Thank you to everyone who continues to read and comment on this story. I don't own Divergent and all military-related mistakes are mine. Happy Reading!
Chapter 30 Don't Look Back
Tobias POV
Seeing the agony written across Tris's face as I say goodbye to her, kills me, more than I thought it would. I wish I could think clearly. I want to give my whole self to her, but something inside is holding me back. I yearn to tell her, but I don't even fully understand the effects she has on me, and the feelings I feel, terrify me. She is all I ever think about. She is all I ever dream about. Thoughts of her fogged my mind, when I was supposed to be focusing on flying a billion-dollar plane, but, thanks to Peter, Zeke and I, ended up in the situation we did. I wasn't paying close enough attention. I was too busy talking about Tris with Zeke, asking him if it was too soon, to ask her to be my wife even though we have only lived together for a few short weeks, but those short weeks feel like a lifetime of happiness to me. I don't have a ring yet, but the thought has occurred to me more than once to ask her without an engagement ring. I was with Stacy for years, and the thought of marriage, it scared me even though I brought an engagement ring once for her because she was pushing me for one because everyone was expecting us to get married. I returned it the next day, knowing I could never be permanently tied to a cheater for the rest of eternity.
I shove my hands into my pockets as I try to keep my hands to myself, if I touch her, I know I will break and ask her to stay. I really need her to stay, even if I can't talk about what is going on with me. Tris makes me feel safe like Peter can't hurt me anymore. My mouth feels dry as I think about asking her the question; will you stay with me? Don't leave. I wish I could ask her to stay. I wish I could tell her the words that she wants to hear from me so badly. I wish I could finish my damn sentence, and tell her I love her, that I have loved her since the moment I caught her falling over those boxes in my kitchen, since the night we spent talking in the airport all those months ago.
I see her lips moving, but I can't make out the words that she is saying. I wish I could be the prince she so badly deserves after everything she has been through. But the moment I open my mouth to tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her, and how I want her in my life forever, all I can say is, "You don't understand how big of an effect you have on me." My mouth and brain won't connect, and I lose my nerve. My words fall flat on my tongue as I look at Tris, knowing if I asked her to stay, she would, and I can't be selfish with her like that, no matter how much I want to.
I can't watch her fall apart every time she steps foot inside this house until I manage to secure new transfer orders to another state. Base housing is full to capacity, and I know Zeke and Shauna would happily let Tris stay if I asked, but their house is set up exactly like mine. I can't bear the thought of watching her having to hide her emotions away from me and our friends as she battled her inner demons. She needs to get away from California, she needs to start fresh, even if it means leaving me in the process.
I keep repeating to myself the stupid saying: if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours; if they don't, then they were never yours to begin with. My chest aches as her final words hit me. I blink as her words sink in. Her words, "Goodbye Tobias. I hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for in this life because it clearly isn't me. I hope you get the help you need," resound in my head. She broke up with me; I just lost the best thing to ever happen to me. Why can't I tell her that I really don't believe that there is nothing better out there for her and that I spouted some bullshit off to her, trying to push her away from me? As I watch her walk through security, the hole in my chest grows wider, heavier, and I feel like I can't breathe.
When she is on the other side of security, I call to her, just wanting to see her face one more time before she walks away from me forever to start fresh in New York. My chest aches as I stare at her standing there with people knocking into her. I can tell she is crying, and my heart hurts, my mouth feels sticky. I want to tell her that I made a mistake, that we can make this work between us. I yell, "Tris," but she doesn't turn around. "Tris," I call again, my heart racing, hoping that she will respond to my voice, but she doesn't. I see her hold her head high, and, as she takes a step, my chest begins to physically hurt; I feel like I have been punched as she rounds the corner, and I lose sight of her. I run towards the metal gate, banging against it, attempting to knock it over. "Sir!" A man yells at me, "You can't go in there. You need to stand in the security line, and you need a ticket to do that."
"Please, I need to get to my girlfriend. I recently made the biggest mistake of my life." I say, desperately to the man behind the gate as I thrash against the metal barrier separating Tris and myself. I don't remember what happens next, but somehow I end up in an interrogation room under bright lights in handcuffs. Fuck!
Tris POV
As the plane is loading, unshed tears burn my eyes, and the tears begin to fall as I board the plane. I wait for Tobias at the gate, hoping that he will realize his mistake by letting me go. When the flight attendant announces, "Last Call United Airlines Flight 5467 San Francisco to O'Hare," the tears won't stop falling as I replay our last interaction together. As I sit in the vacant window seat, my mind creates a world that doesn't exist; the one where Tobias said all the right things when he chased me down to the airline gate. The world where he got down on his knees to confess his love to me as he agrees to seek help not only for me but for himself as well. I shake my head disrupting the beautiful daydream. That version of Tobias doesn't exist. The once upbeat man, who I met in O'Hare, who stayed up half the night talking, flirting with me, he doesn't exist. At least not anymore. He only exists in my mind now. Maybe Peter destroyed him as well, and he can't be saved. Maybe, he doesn't feel worthy of my love after everything Peter inflicted. Maybe our relationship has been through too much damage to endure whatever comes next. Maybe he figured out I am too damaged, and he doesn't want me. Maybe he is too damaged from Peter's violence. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I am determined to not shed another tear for Tobias, at least for the rest of the plane ride to O'Hare airport, but it is useless, everywhere I look in this stupid place, every song that fills my earbuds, reminds me of him.
As the plane boards, a young girl with her father hurries to their seats, out of breath. I rub my eyes as I rip my earbuds out of my ears, feeling like I am going crazy. "Stephen?" I whisper at the dirty blonde, blue-eyed man buckling in his daughter. He looks up with a surprised expression on his face. The surprised expression turns to happiness as he says, "Tris, I didn't expect to see you ever again. I stopped by the house earlier, but no one was there."
"Why? What did you need? Where are you and Mattie off to?" I ask, trying to change the subject.
A dreamy smile falls upon his lips as he says, "Mark called last night. He is finally coming home." I giggle, "That is great news. I am so happy for you."
He laughs, "Yeah, but now that he will be coming home, Mattie and I will be going to New Jersey to be with him, to the base that he is stationed at. The Air Force gods finally gave me New Jersey as my base for transfer. Mattie and I are going on a short vacation to go find daddy in a crowd of other people in uniforms at the airport, then we are all going house hunting together. Aren't we, darling?" Stephen asks, looking at his smiling, red-haired, blue-eyed daughter, sitting between us. She giggles, bouncing in her seat, "Yes, daddy. He promised me, my very own room with my own bathroom and a pool."
"You did that?" I ask Stephen as he shakes his head sighing, "Mark, the trouble maker, that he is, always trying to be the favorite parent since he is hardly ever around. As I already told you, Mattie, we will have to think about the pool. Maybe we can get a pool table."
"Why a pool table?" She asks curiously, raising a brow at him, "You don't play pool."
"So I can throw your father on it, and kiss him." He mutters under his breath. I burst out laughing, catching his remark, as he stares at me, smirking. Mattie looks confused as she cocks her head to the side, asking, "What's funny?"
I feel my cheeks heat as Stephen whispers, "Never mind you," as she squeals, "Eww! You're going to kiss, daddy when you see him?" Mattie laughs, acting like a typical six-year-old.
"Yeah, why?" Stephen grins, looking at her as she responds, "Because daddy, you are only supposed to kiss me."
"Am I now?" He asks, smirking at her, raising an eyebrow, while leaning down, planting several kisses all over her face as she giggles, "Stop!" She pushes him away with her hands as he cradles her in his arms. Mattie and I color for a while, then she falls asleep against Stephen's side. When she is asleep, Stephen and I talk, and it helps to keep my mind off Tobias. Stephen doesn't bring up Tobias nor does he ask me where I am going. When the plane touches down in Chicago, a sense of sadness overwhelms me, when Stephen picks Mattie up. He gives me a one-armed hug as he whispers, "Take care of yourself, Tris, and keep in touch."
"Same goes for you, Stephen. I hope that you find a great house with everything that you are looking for. Maybe one with a pool in it for Mattie, and please say hello to Mark for me." I whisper, hugging him tightly as he pulls me closer to his side, he whispers into my ear, "Tris, I know Four. I have lived next to him for years, he is a very stubborn individual. He loves you. He will come around. Please, don't give up on him. Fight for him, fight for your relationship. Relationships like yours don't happen every day. You are good together, you bring out the best in him, I have never seen him smile as much as I have seen him smile these last few weeks since you moved in with him."
"But, what if he gave up on me, first?" I ask as he releases me, he says, "Then call him, and demand an explanation for his actions, ask him, why." I rub Mattie's head gently as he turns, walking away from me. At the doorway, he waves at me, and I return the wave. I'm the last one standing on the plane. I take a deep, shaky breath as I take my first step. Then I take another one, and I feel, with each step I take stronger. I try to feel stronger for whatever journey lies ahead. A new life, one without Tobias, loving Tobias, or whatever that looks like if Tobias is involved in my life, if he so chooses. As I step off the plane into the O'Hare airport terminal, I blink as the airport lights, blind me. I gather the little bit of strength I have, as I look up toward the gate, I murmur to myself, "Come on, Tris. You can do this. You have got this."
Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter. What did you think of Tobias's POV? Did you enjoy it? Do you think he will be able to get himself out of the situation he has gotten himself into? If so how? I do have some bad news, I'm probably not going to be able to update until the weekend of August 3rd. I will try to update sooner on my usual every other weekend, but I make no promises as my husband and I are going away on my weekends off during the month of July.