CHAPTER 23:

Reflections

Even from under the covers, she kept seeing him, hovering over her, replaying the look in his eyes, in her mind. The grief, confusion, insanity, desperation, all boiled into a mix within a rage. She couldn't help but think of when she last saw that look, when he was hovering above her grandpa, about to kill him, fighting something inside him but unsure what to do. His eyes had been glazed, as if there were some kind of wall, a barrier, keeping him locked as a prisoner inside his own body.

He had called that alien from months ago "Lord Baby." It just seemed so bizarre, so completely out of whack. If that wasn't Trunks or Baby, then who was it? What was it? She knew that Trunks was an incredibly powerful fighter, following just behind her father and grandpa now that he could ascend to the next level, and she knew that he was a genius, inheriting his mind both from his mother and his father, becoming possibly one of the most intelligent men in the world; yet no amount of fighting, both physical or mental, had been able to keep him free from that dormant evil inside of him.

She felt a great deal for Trunks. She had never had a close friend like him before. Back on Earth, she always managed to scare people away or make her short-lived friends upset in some way. Those that attached themselves to her were fake and superficial, hoping to be able to go back to their homes and say that they were friends with 'Mr. Satan's granddaughter' as if the only way Pan truly stood out was through some sort of title. It was just the cheap thrill of being associated her that ever drew people to notice her. And, she hated all those people that used her like that. Like... all her boyfriends... They all went out with her, using her, and once they found out what she was like, they ran as if Cell were hot on their trail.

She had learned to cope with that, to escape a lot of her emotions by either going to her gramps' dojo every other few days just to smack around some of his students, or going to Vegeta's gravity room every Friday evening, trying to release her anger at the world. When she found out that her uncle was going to go into space with his best friend Trunks and her grandpa, whom she had not spent time with since she was a baby, it was all she could do to stow away on the ship and leave with them instead of Goten because... she needed it. She needed a break from the world. Nobody understood her, and she hated how her life was just one successive disappointment after another.

She understood why Trunks had been upset with her for so long, but never really let it get her down. It wasn't the first time a boy, or man in his case, had shown her the cold shoulder. She had outwardly hardened to it, even though it still managed to tear her up inside how nobody gave her a chance to show how she would do anything just to have a friend – any friend; a real friend with whom she could talk openly, and appreciate, and love as family.

Finally, after a long period of successive fighting followed by silent treatments, he had begun to open up to her. It was all so new to her, to have a friend who was not her family. In some way, he could be regarded as a second uncle – she did used to call him "Uncle Trunks" when she was little – but still she never in her wildest dreams imagined that she'd be closer to Trunks than to Bra. Bra and she used to be friends when they were little, but once they approached grade school, Pan had watched Bra become associated with a particular crowd of people while Pan watched from the sidelines. After a while, they ended up growing apart, and whenever Bulma would hold one of her annual reunion parties, Pan would always find herself sticking closer to her parents, or even Yamucha, who positively adored her, saying she reminded him of Chi Chi when her grandma was little.

Pan had never really noticed Trunks before. Considering how she had never exactly been on the best terms with her Uncle Goten, she never found much reason for getting to know Bra's older brother. Besides never being home while working all the time, he never showed much interest in sparring with her or Vegeta when they went to the gravity room every week. The only bits she really ever heard about him were some side comments from Vegeta about how Trunks never trained anymore and that he would become a 'weakling' like her Uncle Goten if he continued at that rate (wouldn't he be shocked to find out that Trunks was more powerful than him now, and he only sparred once during the entire trip!).

She wondered how her Uncle Goten felt about her at this moment, back on Earth. Was he resentful? Was he jealous? Did he hate her, despise her, like every other person who ever got around to knowing her? He was probably up to his usual, dating his entourage of girls who flocked to him, all somehow attracted to the 'innocent' side of him, thinking him to be 'as cute and cuddly as a teddy bear' according to one of his latest girlfriends, Havana, whom Pan had unfortunately met. She sorely scowled. I swear, that 'innocent' boy gets more action than Master Roshi at a drunken sorority mixer.

It really surprised her when she found out that he and Trunks were completely opposite a long time ago. Back in their teenage years, Trunks had been the wild one, according to her papa. Apparently when she was younger, Trunks had even gone out of his way to call her papa a "nerd." It was funny, how hypocritical he ended up being, becoming the president of Capsule Corporation and wearing those thick, ugly, ridiculous glasses he hid behind all the time. He had brought them on the trip, but after a lot of heavy complaining on her part, he took them off and never wore them again.

To be honest with herself, Pan had to admit that Trunks had the ability to be drop-dead gorgeous if he wanted to be, but he always found ways to mask it either with props or body language. Pan had never seen him wear anything other than his usual beige suit except two 'official' times: at Dr. and Mrs. Briefs' funerals. He had worn a black suit those days, and then hid it away somewhere after that. There had been other times when he wore 'alternative' outfits, like that wedding dress when he had to dress in drag earlier in the trip (the memory still got her to crack up randomly sometimes), Mirai's outfit which he wore by accident, King Kai's gi outfit, and that other wedding dress back on Kikaru. Pan smiled when she thought of that. Almost half the times she'd seen him wear anything other than his pajamas or suit, he'd been in dresses. That'd be something funny to tell his kids one day, whenever he got around to finding some girl and having them, that is. Twenty-nine as of today, and he hadn't had a girlfriend since forever. It was hard to imagine, considering how most people considered him a rich and powerful tycoon who was beautiful and ripped enough to be a 'Mr. Universe' model if he truly wished to be.

At first, his status had somewhat intimidated her, however much she would die before admitting it. She had never really known him for the person he was, and based her impression of Trunks from her family's memories of him and what the rest of the world viewed him to be. Sure, he had babysat her when she was little, and even took baths with her, according to his tales back on Kikaru, but actually knowing him for the person he was... that was something she never thought she'd do.

There were so many 'firsts' that she was experiencing with him, ranging from adventures to emotions. He had a good fourteen years on her, and had most likely felt a great deal of these 'first's of hers before, but it didn't help her get over the fact that she felt unusually close to him, even if he didn't feel the same way back. She wasn't exactly sure how he felt, but he had been doing a lot of things lately – little things, like stroking her face – that she had never felt before, and she didn't want it to stop. She didn't want to lose her best friend when they would return to Earth. But even if she didn't lose him... she had this terrible gut feeling that he'd never touch her like this ever again, and she'd go the rest of her life boyfriendless, loveless, and friendless.

What happened last night confused her. She had never slept in the same bed with anyone before – well, ever since she was a little girl. Once she turned five, she stopped crawling into her parents' bed at night during thunderstorms. Ever since then, guests, even Bra when she was little and they were still close, would stay in the guest room. But last night, Trunks had asked her to sleep next to him, and had held her as she slept. On one hand, it was a slightly strange experience. She wasn't quite sure how to view it in her memory, or how to interpret it. His behavior had come out of nowhere. One moment, she was angry with him, and probably would have held a day-long grudge about it, and then two hours later, he came in and kissed her.

It wasn't a long kiss, and it hardly held any pressure against her lips; and it wasn't even her first kiss – that kiss had been given on their 'wedding day,' which she later regretted doing – but it still meant a great deal to her. She was grateful that he did that, that he kissed her to give her a 'real' first kiss, so she wouldn't have to doubt anymore if she had experienced one or not. Although it had not been weighing on her mind much anymore, it had been a topic of thought for several weeks after the act. She had been so sure that her forced kiss on him would make him start hating her. She knew if he had forced a kiss on her, she would have never gotten over it, holding a reserve of spite every time she'd think of him. After pondering it a great deal, she figured his attitude about it had to do with experience. She figured that he had most definitely kissed girls before, and it probably wasn't as significant to him as it was to her.

But, that was before last night... when he said he wanted to make up for their horrible experience before, to give it a second shot. She didn't know if it was because he wanted her to know that he forgave her for kissing him, or whether it was because he was thinking about her own conflicted emotions about it, and wanted to clear some confusion. All she knew was that he did something incredibly sweet, and then he added icing to the cake by inviting her into his bed, to hold her while dreaming. It all seemed so romantic, but she knew better than to think like a girl. She knew Trunks, and that he didn't have a romantic bone in his body, especially toward her. She knew better than to get the wrong idea about the situation. But, it was a nice thought to daydream anyway. She wouldn't worry about his motives, because they, unlike her Uncle Goten's, were most likely innocent.

What really worried her was whatever happened to him recently, when he snapped. Something was wrong with him. Somehow, Trunks was sick, and neither she nor Trunks nor her grandfather knew how to deal with it, or to find a cure. The safest thing to do would be to keep Trunks in a good mood, to prevent him from losing it again. That monster, whatever it was, released one the most evil ki she had ever felt. She couldn't even begin to fathom Trunks being so cruel. He was... one of the nicest guys she'd ever known, once you got on his good side, at least. And, he was her friend. She wanted so much to help him, but didn't know how.

She held up her left hand and admired the beautiful ring that had wrapped itself around her finger so long ago. It seemed like years ago, that whole mess that changed everything, when they had to get naked and go to King Kai's new planet. When... he almost discovered her secret that she had never told anyone, and she made her parents swear to never reveal. If he ever found out, what would he think? He could he ever view her the same, as a Saiyan, knowing that she...she... could probably never attain a transformation?

But she wouldn't settle for that. Though her body screamed that it was hopeless, even with a power level of 35,000,000 – more than three times the power her grandpa had after he first transformed – she was determined to keep trying. She refused to believe that she was too human to ever experience those teal eyes and that blonde hair that would make everyone in her family so proud of her. She would continue to train, to become stronger, to prove to herself that Vegeta was wrong, that the source of a Saiyan's strength lay deeper than his or her tail. It had to... if she ever wanted to be able to transform.

The light from the crack in the doorway glinted off the metallic transparent gold of her ring. It had never occurred to her to take it off. She was not one for wearing jewelry, but there was something special about this memento, something that was deeper than its design, that made her realize it might be best if she kept it on. She wasn't quite sure what the whole glowing deal was, but she knew one thing for certain: if she weren't wearing that ring, she probably would be dead by now. Something had held that demon back before, and it wasn't Trunks' doing – Trunks had lost his battle against the thing when it first took over his mind. It had been powerful enough to knock her grandpa unconscious with one blow. Then, it attacked her, and it was on the verge of killing her, but had been repelled by something else, something that was beyond Trunks' control.

And, in the process, Trunks had come back... and he had saved her. Perhaps it was like that time she was on that planet, "Planet Bulma," when she had watched Trunks endure having a gun to his head, and all that she could think about was saving him, no matter what the cost. She had not been able to control her actions at the time, though. When she looked back, it was as if something else was driving her forward, to protect him, as if it were instinctive. She wanted to place the blame on her burning finger, but didn't want to lie to herself. A lot of what she felt had already existed for him in some way. The ring acted to enhance it to the point of insanity. Even with its protective nature, what she did resulted in Trunks getting shot anyway. It was as if it were all for naught, and in the end he still just got hurt.

She couldn't stand the idea of him being hurt. It tore her up inside that he was suffering from something inside of him, threatening to possess him at any moment in time. She would feel that way for anyone, though. If her grandpa had the same problem, she'd be just as anxious about his health, but there was something about Trunks that was special to her. He was her best friend. Her first real, solid, alive-and-breathing friend.

She smiled as she put her hand back under the covers. Bra's older brother, Pan's best friend. Never in her wildest dreams had that ever been a possibility to her. Her Uncle Goten would flip when he would find out that Trunks viewed her as his best friend now as well.

She suddenly felt like she would burst from pride for catching such a prize fish. Maybe, when they would get back to Earth, she could convince Trunks to take her to a nice restaurant somewhere sometime, or get him to sponsor her one-day dojo. Perhaps he could introduce her to some of his other friends – the rich and famous ones! If she had him, why not make the most of him, if he offered it?

No... that would be silly. She wasn't friends with him in order to exploit him. That's what every other girl wanted, who actually pursued him for his power in the economy. It would be nice if he offered her such things, but she was just kidding herself if she thought she'd be interested in getting to know his friends. It would be nice to meet them one day, but Trunks was her friend because of other reasons that went deeper than going out to places.

Trunks was her friend because he had learned to trust her. She hoped that trust could last for years, all the way until he did find someone else, some other girl to replace her in his life. She just hoped that he'd stay single for a while, until she could learn to maintain friendships better, so his loss wouldn't be so hard on her. But he was twenty-nine. He would be retiring by the age of thirty, he said, and then try to start a family. He'd actually go out and try to meet women.

It made her ache, to know he'd be spending his days gaining other attachments, slowly forgetting about her. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to make the most of her time with him now, while she still had him... while she was still able to show him how much she appreciated him. He was her best friend. More than anything, she wanted him to know that – to really know that.

She yawned and coughed a bit as she hugged herself, trying to keep warm. It was definitely a lot warmer in the bedroom, but for some reason, she still felt cold. Perhaps it was just a mental side-effect of the events some hours earlier. She felt incredibly lonely, lying by herself. Trunks had told her to rest for her body to heal properly, especially since she had broken her arm so badly before, but she really wanted to get out of bed and help Trunks and her grandpa clean the place. She could hear their muffled voices through the doorway. She couldn't make out the words, but she could hear her grandpa sneezing a few times. She figured they were probably talking about her grandpa getting sick for once in his life. It served him right for not buying a jacket. She just hoped Trunks wouldn't get ill on top of whatever parasite he had at the moment. He had gone through enough lately.

Several minutes passed, and the voices stopped. Another minute of silence. Then, she heard Trunks call out for Giru and begin his conversation again for some time. Pan had tried to listen, but it was no use. By this time, she had cleared her head of all thoughts. She turned on her side and took the pillow that Trunks had slept on the night before, hugging it to her body, pretending it was him and that it smelled like him, even though it smelled more like her grandpa. Her grandpa... Grandpa Goku...

She tried not to think of the anger she used to feel toward him before they went on the journey together. He had left his family, had abandoned her grandma to go train someone for ten years. Pan had lost her grandpa for an entire decade before he returned, and when he came back, he was a little boy. She was four years old when he left, and although she held a few memories of him, she had forgotten his face a long time before. She knew him more from pictures and stories than how she remembered him.

She loved her grandpa so much, though. There were so many reasons why, in addition to how he was family. She held an enormous respect for him, considering him to be her role model. She wanted to be just like him one day – a true hero.

The voices in the hall stopped again. Trunks said something, and then there was a brief silence before she sensed the bedroom door open a crack, sending a rush of cold air into the room. Pan felt her face flush as she realized she was still holding the pillow against her, and decided to pretend she was asleep and not aware that she was hugging something. It would be less embarrassing that way.

Closing her eyes, she buried her face into the pillow as she heard Trunks slip into the room and close the door behind him. She could sense him walking quietly up to the bed, and felt the mattress shift slightly as he sat on the edge of the bed, looking at her.

When he spoke, he whispered lightly, as if afraid to wake her, "Pan...?"

Pan was still blushing, but didn't want him to see it, so she pretended to sleep through his whisper, with her face still against the pillow.

The bed creaked almost inaudibly as his weight shifted on its side. She could sense the heat of his hand before it touched her neck gently, then gingerly began to run his fingers through her hair. "Pan...? Are you awake?"

She pretended to let out a groggy moan. Feeling her cheeks return to their normal color, she shifted her body a bit, while in the process rubbing her cheek against his hand. She faked a yawn and opened her eyes, pushing her pillow aside to look at Trunks, who had an oddly placid look on his face. "Hi Trunks..." She smiled as sleepily as she could manage.

His calm face bent lower towards hers, his hand moved to hold her shoulder as he looked concernedly in her eyes. "How are you feeling?"

Instead of answering, she sat up slowly and wrapped her arms around his neck. She could sense his hands tentatively touch her back as they were unsure of where to go. She whispered into his left ear, "I feel wonderful, thanks to you."

He lowered his eyes as he rested his hands on the small of her back, "You'd have felt better if it weren't for me..."

"Don't say that." She hugged him closer and felt her cheek brush his, "I know that wasn't you."

"Even still... I'm..." He closed his eyes as his hands spread and secured her back, pushing her closer to envelop her in a hug, "I'm sorry, Pan."

She smiled against his neck and brought her hand up to tousle the back of his hair. "You're still my best boy."

Trunks exhaled sharply in a quick laugh, remembering how he had just said a very similar sentence to her right before the whole incident. He squeezed her in appreciation for a moment, then released her. As he sat back, his neck came free of her arms. He corrected her with a smile, "Still your best man."

"Hardly!" She smiled, then poked him in the side attempting to be playful, trying to think of something else he could be the best at. "Haha, you're my best bride."

Trunks frowned at the memory to which she was referring. She had a lot of nerve to randomly bring that up. A split moment passed before he retorted, "Well then you're my best bug."

"Bug?" Her eyes narrowed as that comment took on multiple meanings, either referring to the costume she brought on the trip, how she bugs him, or her mother and father, as she found out last night. If she could steam from anger, she would have. She felt rage building inside of her as she yelled out, "Well, you're my best underwear!"

"And you're my best appetizer!" His face turned a little red as his temple throbbed on his forehead. He growled loudly as he thought of various ways to strangle the girl.

Pan couldn't take it anymore. She beat the sheets with her fists while screaming, "That's it! I can't believe you can be so immature, Trunks!"

"Me?! You're the one who started the name-calling!"

"Why did you come in here anyway? To start a fight with me or something?!" She threw the covers off of her and glared angrily at him, "Honestly, after you already ripped the blankets this morning, you'd think you'd have learned your lesson!"

"Are you baka?! YOU were the one who tore the sheets!"

"You always put all the blame on me! Why can't you take any responsibility?! You NEVER take the blame."

"That's because I never do anything!"

"Well you know what?" She crossed her arms and looked away, "You sure did a number on me earlier, Trunks."

He pointed at her, his eyes narrowed as he said through his teeth, "That wasn't me."

"Well, it sure looked like you."

His eyebrows turned upward as he held his breath. He felt his body tremble at the memory. Everything seemed to hazy to him. He wasn't even sure, as he looked back on it, that he was remembering anything correctly, but... he knew he saw her face. She looked so burned and beaten, he wasn't even sure a senzu bean would have been able to heal her fully. If she would have died... She could have...

"Trunks?"

He looked down at his hands as his eyebrows quivered. He felt sick. No... more than sick: devastated, torn, lost... There were no words to express how angry and despaired and hopeless he felt. There was nothing in all of space that could heal him from his memories. It all seemed maddening, everything... Everything had happened so fast. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He didn't even know how to prevent it from happening again...

He felt Pan's arms wrap around him again as she pressed him to her. "I'm sorry, Trunks... I didn't mean it. I know you didn't do it. I was just angry and..."

She trailed off as she suddenly felt his arms wrap around to her shoulders and press her body against his as he buried his face in her hair. His body trembled slightly as his breathing became irregular, as if he were trying to hold back an overwhelming emotion. His voice threatened to break into a sob by her ear, "I barely even... I-I almost... You..." She heard a sharp intake of breath, "I mean..."

"I know..."

"I could have... If we didn't... on Kikaru..."

Pan squeezed him and said in a low voice "I know... I know, Trunks. I..." She rocked him slightly, "I think you need to get some rest. You've had a lot happen to you today." She smiled against his neck, "Some birthday, eh?"

Trunks let loose a small scoff with a smile. "The most interesting birthday I've ever had. That's for sure." He nodded into her hair, "And a bit of rest does sound inviting."

Pan pulled away and looked at him shyly, her face flushing slightly, "Would you like... to take a nap with me?"

Trunks shook his head with a sad grin, "We don't have time. I came in here to... well..." He looked to her eyes and continued, "I came in here to tell you that we're going to reach the planet within the hour." He looked at her body, exposed to the chilly air. "I wanted you to know that you should... get dressed."

She smiled and nodded, "Okay."

"I also wanted to let you know that your grandfather has contracted a very violent sneeze. He nearly blew another hole in the wall when he forgot to cover his mouth with a tissue." Trunks chuckled under his breath, "I'd stay clear of him if I were you."

Pan touched Trunks' shoulder and nodded toward him. When she dropped her hand, she leaned back onto her pillow again – well, Trunks' official pillow – and looked up toward the bunk above her. "One more dragonball and then, after this, we get to head home?"

He nodded to her, smiling. "Homeward bound."

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-11/11/04-

Author's Notes:

Note #1: This is a TP Get-Together. NOT a TP Romance:

Just to remind people, this is a TP Get-Together, not a TP Romance. There is a big difference. A TP get-together explains what leads them to eventually begin to fall in love. A get-together usually implies that they are NOT in love, and will not be until much later in the story. A TP romance is when they are already in love and get together and start having lemons and babies everywhere. Don't expect a lemon in this story, at any point whatsoever. If they do happen to make love at any point, I will keep its tale completely PG-13 rated. I stress, IF THEY DO. And, if they do, it won't be until several chapters before the end of the story. Aka. 40 chapters, people. Don't start getting your hopes up that they are falling in love yet. They will. Just not now.

Note #2: Your Homework Results

Due to a request I received in my reviews (proving that reviewing pays off. You get special benefits from me if you ask me for favors, even if I don't know you that well), I will give a brief summary of the episode on Saturday which people may have missed. It's entitled "Saying Goodbye":

During the Shadow Dragon Saga, Goku and Pan have to fight off and kill each of the individual dragons that have tainted Dende's dragonballs. They fight the seven-star dragonball without realizing it has the ability to possess and use bodies as its own. Pan gets sucked into the seven-star dragonball, fuses with the dragon, and then fights Goku, saying that Goku doesn't have the heart to kill his own granddaughter. They fight and fight, and the episode dragons on, and then finally Goku decides to kill her, because Pan would rather die than be fused with an evil dragon and hurt people. He does his ultimate Kamehameha blast on her, and thinks she dies. However, it turns out he can't kill the dragon, and as he's dying, the dragon grants him a wish just to be nice. Goku's wish was to see Pan again. So, he sees Pan, and at the last second, pulls her out from the dragon's belly and then the dragon shrinks to be a little mole, which Goku promptly destroys. They then, in the next episode, have to fight the four-star dragon (coming up this Saturday).

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