CHAPTER 58:
The Secret Stuff!

The sky was a dark blood red with slight vanishing pinks and indigo clouds along the horizon while everything else in the world was painted in dark shades of blue. Two seagulls called as they seemed to hover in the breeze, their shrieks muffled as large waves crashed along the shore like rhythmic drums before the war hunt.

To the east, the sky was an especially dark shade of black, colored in bright whites and yellows every few minutes as static lightning danced within the clouds. The breeze was cool and damp as the final rays vanished along the western horizon, leaving the world enshrouded in darkness.

Two dark figures emerged from the waves, keeping low to the ground as they ran along the shore. They stopped every few moments and darted their heads to make sure no one noticed them, and then moved closer to their target, making light shadowed footprints along the beach.

Once they sprinted to the walls, they pinned themselves against the wood for several minutes, scanning for any signs of ki. The lights were on in the house, yet it appeared no one was home. This confused one slightly as she ran a ki check one more time, to be absolutely certain everyone was out; though, the only signs of life seemed to be some whales off the shoreline.

They both kept quiet as the figure brought a silent index finger to her lips and then signaled the other shadow to follow her as they edged their way to a window.

–––––––

"Three aces!" Oolong cackled as he lay down the hand, "Pay up!"

Puar and Turtle sighed as they lay down their cards. The small feline groaned slightly in her high pitched voice, "How is it you always win?"

"Shhh!" Master Roshi glued his eye to the periscope across the submarine bridge, "This could be trouble!"

"I'd say!" Turtle frowned slowly as he sighed again, "I'm all out of chips."

Puar pouted, "Yeah, Oolong. It's not fun if you keep winning."

"Shhh!" Master Roshi hissed as he bared his teeth, "Those darn Tuffles!" He growled as he brought his hands away from the periscope, "They're back again!"

Oolong groaned as he collected the chips, sorting the blues and the reds with scrupulous care. The groan escalated into a nasal whine as he grumpily looked up, "Don't they ever go away?"

Master Roshi growled as he brought his eyes back to the periscope, "And look, they're going into the house!" He brought his face away and turned to Oolong, Puar and Turtle, as he said in an old husky voice, "They'd better not go through my Vixen magazines!

"Oh no!" Oolong groaned as he dropped some chips and grabbed his ears, "I thought that you hid those!"

Roshi frowned as whined a little as he looked up, stroking his beard dejectedly, "Those are my most priiiized possessions…"

"Yeah, yeah," Puar rolled her eyes as her mouth turned down in a frown.

Turtle looked to Master Roshi and then looked down at his cards as he overturned them, "Too bad Goku's gone. He could take care of the Tuffles."

"Ehh, Goku?" Master Roshi raised an eyebrow as he looked up to the submarine ceiling, "I'm not quite sure he's gone, Turtle, but I can't, for the life of me, tell where–"

There was a large BOOM! that suddenly sent a shock wave through the ocean, rattling the ship as everything was shifted and overturned in an instant. Everyone and everything went flying as Roshi, Oolong and Turtle slammed to the ceiling and then landed on the ground. Puar was hovering in surprise as she clasped her hands to her mouth, "Oh no! What was that?"

"They AREN'T!" Roshi's eyes widened as he scrambled back to the periscope with an angry swollen lip, "They ARE!"

Oolong groaned as he began to pick up his scattered poker chips, "What happened now?"

"Noooo!" Roshi wailed, banging his fist against the submarine wall, "Those darn Tuffles!"

Puar frowned, "What now?"

"That's it!" Roshi put away the periscope and made a fist, shaking it at the ceiling, "We're going up!"

Oolong panicked, grabbing the table with wide eyes, "Up THERE?"

Puar wailed, "But there are Tuffles up there!"

"I know, I know!" Roshi growled as he stroked his chin, "But they're going through my secret stuff!"

"Oh NO!" Oolong's eyes bugged as his ears stood up straight, "How do you KNOW?"

"Because…" Master Roshi growled as he tapped the periscope angrily, "I set a bomb trap on that chest! And it isn't there any more, now is it?"

–––––––

"Hack! Cough! Aacchh!" Pan fell back as her nostrils flared with smoke, "Ahhgh!"

"Oh great spirits!" Uub hacked as he tried to waft the smoke from his face, "What WAS that?"

The room was completely charred black with a few papers singeing with the remains of their ash. Smoke was everywhere and soot covered Pan and Uub from head to toe as they coughed in front of the large metal chest they had attempted to open.

"I –khhh– I don't know, –khhh–hhuh–!"

Pan sneezed and shook her head as she spit out some ash that somehow made its way into her mouth. She seemed to be slightly disoriented as she stumbled to her feet and then squinted her eyes to get a good look at the artifact in front of her.

A moment passed as they both stood there, blackened figures who had wandered to the second floor, now panting in the clearing smoke that billowed out the windows. A few lone island crickets chirped outside a moment as Pan took a step toward the chest, her lips curving into a smirk.

Uub just looked at it, "What is it?"

"Well, obviously it must have something good inside it," Pan grinned, "Hopefully something flaring!"

"I don't know, Pan," Uub raised his eyebrow at her, "I think we just experienced enough flaring for one evening."

"Oh hush," Pan grinned as she lifted the lid, "You need to be willing to take risks in life if you ever want to be a hero!"

"Who said anything about wanting to be a hero?"

"Silly." Pan grinned as she picked out the first outfit in the chest, "Wow, look at this!"

Uub coughed in the settling smoke and frowned, "What is it?"

"This must be Krillin's old gi. Wow!" Pan put the orange outfit against herself and laughed, "It's too small even for me now!"

"Quit playing around," Uub frowned, "I am not comfortable with being in a house without being invited in. And what we're doing is wrong!"

"Huh?" Pan dropped the outfit and turned to him, scowling, "What do you mean without being invited in! Do you honestly think Tuffles would willingly invite us in?"

"Shh!" Uub brought his hands forward and grimaced as he motioned for her to keep it down, "You don't know when they'll be coming back."

"Hmmph," Pan picked out a small purple outfit from the chest and then threw it aside as she rummaged deeper in the pile, "I'm not afraid of Master Rosh–EEK!" Pan screamed as her eyes flew wide and her body sprung back. The item in her hands went flying upward and then landed with a SMACK on the ground, opened to the centerfold page. A naked pink pig woman lay sprawled along the pages, wearing nothing more than her birthday suit.

"Ew, gross!" Pan shrieked again as she backed away quickly, "There are more of them?"

"What's this?" Uub picked it up in wonder.

"Don't touch that! It's beastiality pictures!"

Uub turned it sideways as he raised an eyebrow, "What's so wrong with her body?"

"Just… oh God," Pan covered her face with her hands, "Never mind. You go through the chest. I'll…" She turned with a mildly desperate frown as her eyes searched for a new location to rummage. "I'll go…" her eyes settled on a door, "to the closet. There has to be something there."

Pan quickly walked up to the closet and opened the door timidly, tempted to squeeze her eyes shut from fear of there being 'too much information' stored away. But as the closet door squeaked open and she pulled the wire on the lightbulb overhead, she was met with a nice organized closet with several racks of clothes neatly piled and hung up. There were two boxes in the corner of it, and Pan quickly grabbed the first one and dragged it out to the center of the room.

She opened the box with mild curiosity, but almost gagged when she was faced with the smell of moth balls and dust which rose in a small cloud.

"Look!" Uub turned to her with a smile and held up a shirt, "This is funny!"

Pan looked up and sneezed, squinting a bit as the sight. She sniffed as her nose crinkled, "What is it?"

"Look!" Uub brought the shirt in front of him, and the sight of it caused Pan to widen her eyes in both surprise and partial disgust.

"Augh! That creep!" Pan stuck out her tongue, "That's disgusting!"

"Is it flare enough?" Uub looked down to the shirt with a bemused grin.

"It's more than flare. It's just wrong." Pan raised an eyebrow and looked at the shirt closely, trying to ignore the fact that a woman's body was painted over the white shirt so it looked like whoever wore the shirt was wearing some thong bikini.

"Look, I found this, too!" Uub held up a neon green visor that reflected the lamplight and made Pan feel sick just to look at.

"Egh." Pan's nose crinkled, "Yup." She looked away, slightly horrified by the clothing, "That'll do just fine."

"There's more! Hold on," Uub once again bent down to tear through the things in the chest as Pan opened the box fully.

Clothes and magazines were now littered all over the hardwood floor, and were even thrown over the bed and bureau. Magazines were tossed over and under chairs, and all kinds of gis were scattered everywhere. There were wigs and costumes and scarves and gloves, not to mention belts and chains and handcuffs, and several sex toys which Uub came across and didn't quite realize what they were. The room was quickly becoming what resembled a war zone. There was no way they'd be able to clean up the mess. It would be obvious that the Tuffles were paid a visit; but at this point, it didn't matter, as long as Pan and Uub gathered enough supplies.

As Pan rummaged through the box, she took out several odd triangle and paper hats, olive-brown oven mitts, purple bowties, several poles and sticks, a few nunchucks, and one especially solid simple red bo staff in a bamboo case which looked like a high quality weapon.

Pan lingered on the red bo weapon, fingering it in her hands in wonder, "Wait, is this Grandpa's Nyoi-Bo?"

"Aha, look at this!" Uub laughed as he turned around with a neon pink shirt that said Boobs Are My Friends in bright yellow words, outlined in dark green.

"Oh dead Lord," Pan rolled her eyes as she set the Nyoi-Bo aside on the bed for safekeeping, and continued to rummage through the stuff.

"Oh, oh! Look at this!" Uub held up another shirt, Girl Scouts Gone Wild.

"What the–?" Pan raised an eyebrow.

Uub held up a third shirt, I Can Kick Your Baby's Ass. "Wow."

"Eck!" Pan's eyes went wide as her throat caught, "Hehehahaha!" Her body shook as she closed her eyes and started laughing, "HaHAHAHA! Baby! Hahaha!"

"Hehehhahaha" Uub held it up and turned it around to show the picture that went behind it, "Hahahaha!"

"Heheheh," Pan grinned as she continued to tear through the box. "Heheheh–Ohhhh!" Her mouth dropped in surprise and her eyes widened in glee as she came across the goods she was looking for, "Here we go!"

"Huh?" Uub looked up.

Pan held up some shades, "His sunglasses reserve!"

"His what?"

"Here, catch." Pan threw a pair to Uub as she unpacked a pair for herself, and in the process, took out two pink leis that had been by the items. "Take this too," she threw the fake flowers to Uub as well.

Uub caught both the sunglasses and lei and donned them with a grin. He then held up a neon yellow Island shirt with patterns of breasts and margaritas splattered over it with I Got Lei'd on Penguin Island on the back. He then picked up the neon green visor and fit it over his hair as he wore a smug smile. "How do I look?"

"Ehhh…" Pan couldn't really tell, as she found it embarrassing to even look at him, "I think it works!"

"Here, you catch." Uub threw Pan the Boobs Are My Friends shirt and a black top-hat. Pan fit it over her damp gi with a chuckle, and adjusted her new glasses so they fit better on her nose.

"No," Uub chuckled, "I think you're still missing something. I am still able to look at you."

"Hmm…" Pan turned and frowned as she thought of more items to add to her array of flare. Her gaze wandered to some of the things she threw aside before, and her dark eyes lit with a hint of mischief, "Yes! Yes!"

Pan picked up a purple bow-tie and clipped it to her collar and then went to the corner of the room where she had thrown a green wig to match her shirt. "Hmm," she turned and then spotted a lavender fluorescent feather scarf thrown over the bedpost. She finished off her outfit with a pair of white gloves and a hula skirt that had been dyed blue in the past.

"Oh Man!" Uub gave a nervous chuckle and then hid his face with his hands, "You look terrible."

"Really?" Pan tan to the bureau and looked herself in the mirror, frowning as if she were still missing some key ingredient. With a pout unseen behind the glasses, she frowned, "I don't look badass enough."

"Badass!" Uub's eyes practically popped out, "You could give a clown a hemorrhage with that look!"

"Ahh!" Pan grinned mischievously as her eyes wandered back to the bed, "Yes, this will do nicely!" She picked up the red Nyoi-Bo staff and fastened it around her costume, "There we go!"

Uub, however, frowned slightly as he brought his hand to his chin, "A weapon's going to weigh you down."

"Silly," Pan grinned as she made her way to the bathroom to grab some of Eighteen's makeup, "I'm not going to fight in this whole outfit! That's why we're wearing this! To go incognito, remember?"

Pan opened the medicine cabinet and then resorted to the drawers around the sink, "Now, where could it be…?" She tossed some things outside of the drawers and huffed in a flustered groan when she only came across one shade of red lipstick. "Doesn't Eighteen wear any makeup?"

"Who's Eighteen?"

"Hmmph, it figures," Pan tucked the lipstick into a small pocket in her gi belt, "That she wouldn't need makeup, I mean. But… wait…!" Pan came across a vial that caught her attention and caused her to pause. Pan then scrunched her nose and blinked a few times, reading the label about, "Lax-tastic".

"What?" Uub looked up from grabbing a particularly colorful orange cape.

"Interesting…" Pan held the vial up and then turned it around to read its effects on the back. "Interesting…!"

He frowned and asked again, "What"

"Ohhhh, nothing…" Pan grinned devilishly as she tucked the vial into her pocket, "Just a little medicine for just in ca–"

The door to the bedroom suddenly SLAMMED open and an enraged Master Roshi entered at the door.

Pan shrieked in surprise as she slipped on the bathroom tile and almost fell flat on the floor, except she grabbed the sink and then used it to propel herself forward without a moment's hesitation, "BUSTED!"

"Look what you nincompoops did! You little THIEVES!"

Uub's eyes flew wide as he dropped the snake-skin bandana he had been admiring, "Ack!"

"Go go go!" Pan zipped by Uub and grabbed him on the way out the window.

"Get back here!" Roshi ran toward them as they jumped and ran their way wildly along the beach.

"Crap! Crap!" Pan screamed aloud as she reached the water's edge, "Omigod omigod omigod!"

"We can't swim in this! We'll lose our props!"

"Crap! We can't fly either!" Pan clenched her fists and ran along the beach as if it could somehow give her more ideas. "Crap! If we fly, Gohan will find us!"

"Isn't there any other way?.!"

"Crap, crap, CRAP!" Pan turned and snarled, clenching her fists, "It looks like we're going to have to take him down!"

"Isn't that going to alert everyone we're here?.!"

"Crap!" Pan sensed Roshi scrambling down the stairs and reaching the first floor. She desperately looked to Uub and then turned her head to the night sky, willing to take the one chance they'd ever have of escaping the island incognito, "Nimbus! Nimbus!"

There was a far cry from Master Roshi as he hobbled along the beach with his cane, screaming at them, "That cloud will never work for you, you little impostors!"

"Nimbus!" Pan screamed aloud again and tried its second name, "Kinto'un!"

There was a light buzzing in the sky as a light cloud tore its way through the night's black depths and zipped its way over to Kame Island. Within a flash, it appeared before them, happily hovering as the Evil Master Roshi approached with hands glowing with a prepared ki blast.

"Get on, get on, GET ON!" Pan pushed Uub onto the cloud, and he fell with a surprised yelp onto its soft bedding, "Help me up!"

Uub grabbed Pan and hoisted her up, but let out a surprised yelp as she fell right through and landed in the water with a splash!

Her eyes widened with a pain that struck deeper than her flesh as her body trembled with a sudden shock and realization.

"Try it again! Try it, you just slipped!"

Pan stood up and grabbed his hands, trying again, "Please Nimbus," she prayed inside as a blast went off by her head. "HEY!" She wanted to turn and scream at Roshi, but she felt Uub's hands grab her by the collar of her gi and yank her up as the cloud suddenly tore off to the horizon, zooming at an incredible speed.

As it soared in the sky, away from the island, Uub managed to pull her up onto the small cloud, and to her even greater surprise, and a shock even greater than before, Pan realized with tears in her eyes that it was true – she had only slipped, before. With a slight smile and then a joyful smile at her new friend, she realized Nimbus still believed she had a pure heart.

She was still able to ride Nimbus.

–––––––

"Come BACK, you darn TUFFLES!" Master Roshi screamed at the cloud, shaking his right hand and the walking stick he still held in it.

There was a rustling in the brush behind him, and Master Roshi spun around with a scowl, "And YOU! You ran the minute you found out they were upstairs!"

Oolong poked his head out of the brush with an anxious grin, "Are they gone?"

"Humph!" Master Roshi huffed as he made his walk back to the house, "You didn't miss much."

Oolong frowned as he raised an eyebrow, "Who was it?"

"I don't know. The darn ugliest girl I've ever seen." Master Roshi growled, "She was so trecherous to look at, I couldn't even aim right!"

"Wow!" Oolong came out of the brush and scratched his head, "I guess I really didn't miss much!"

"Yeah…" Roshi frowned, "But she stole my favorite shirt!" He paused a moment as he looked off to the horizon, to where Nimbus had carried them to the west, "And, unfortunately…" he frowned more deeply, "she even made off with the Nyoi-Bo…"

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–6/14/05–