Round 1
Snake vs. Wario
Snake's moving graphic, disinterestedly striking a fighting pose with his hands balled into fists, was first, followed by a brief montage of his Brawl performance.
"This is Snake, reporting for briefing," Snake announced
This seemed to throw off Nikki, who was interrupted mid-syllable of the first word of the introductory salvo, "Ah, this isn't a briefing, it's an interview,"
"Oh, sorry, force of habit," Snake muttered, his eyes widening in embarrassed realization.
"So, you've been gone for a while," came Nikki's hesitating voice.
Snake raised an eyebrow, "Yes, I have," came his firm reply.
"So, who are you looking forward to fighting?" Nikki asked.
Snake grunted in thought, the silence hanging in the air, "Well, Falco beat me early the last time I was in one of these. Cloud and I have been training together, so I want to meet him on the field of battle. Subject Zero and I have a lot in common from what I've researched as well."
"What do you think of your opponent, Wario then?"
The interviewee frowned, "He's a bruiser with odd moves that would throw anyone off. But he's cocky and lacks discipline, so I should be able to exploit that."
"Alright, that's it, t thank you for your time."
Snake silently nodded, walking off camera.
Now, Wario's graphic appeared, flexing his biceps as a highlight real of his past two attempts at Smash tournament supremacy played for the audience in the stadium and those watching around the multiverse.
"Can we-a wrap-a this up a-quickly?" Wario whined, "I have important deals to make,"
"Sure," Nikki blurted, sounding a bit annoyed.
"What? Do you-a doubt-a that zee great Wario has deals to make?" Wario demanded, a scrunched-up, childish expression all over his fat face.
"No, I just… Look, who do you want to fight in this?"
"Obviously those-a trash Mario-a Brothers come to mind-a. I wouldn't mind beating up The Villager again either. But, those two harlots who stopped-a me in zee last tournaments, Samus and a-Peach have something coming too," he sneered.
Disgust in her voice, Nikki continued, "What do you think of your opponent, Snake?"
A devious smile came over Wario, "I do not fear zee sneaky little man. Anything he can do I've survived before. All will fall before me, ME! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Alright, thank you for your time," Nikki sighed in relief.
Picking a booger as he walked off camera, Wario purred, "The honor was all yours,"
"I'm disgusted to share a universe with that guy," Cranky gagged, "And I'd better not hear any bias outta you young man, you hear? I've been puttin' up with your softball commentary on fatso for years now and I won't stand for it again!"
"Hey, Mom and I have a mortgage to pay, and he's the boss! Anyway, Futaba?"
"Ba-ring!" Futaba chirped, imitating the Metal Gear alert sound, "If Snake can beat a tank with nothing but mines and intellect, he can beat the loudmouth."
"Good girl," Cranky nodded, all the while 9-Volt shifted uncomfortably "Let's throw it down to..."
Once again, the lights went out.
"Somebody's been watching Undertaker matches lately," Cranky sneered.
"Who?" 9-Volt asked.
The lights came back on revealing a cardboard box with a red exclamation point along the side. Standing up from underneath the box, Snake emerged, throwing the box to the side and meekly waving to the crowd.
"That's it?" 9-Volt crowed, "That's what he did last time! You'd think all that time on ice gave him time to think of an entrance!"
"He's a spy boy," snapped Cranky, "He's not one for pomp and circumstance."
Suddenly, the tubas of Greenhorn Forest played over the speakers but...
"Does this song sounds weird to you?" 9-Volt remarked to Cranky, "It sounds sped up and pitched u-"
GONNA KEEP ON ROLLIN' BABY
"Oh my God," 9-Volt said, dread in his voice, "He actually did it,"
Meanwhile, in the Smashers' Box, as Wario rode out in his signature motorcycle, simultaneous eruptions of laughter and disgust from the veterans polluted the tense air. Quinn, startled from a meditation, simply asked, "What?".
"This is Snake's fault," sneered Zelda as the portly biker antagonistically drove circles around Snake, the mercenary simply pivoting to face him, hands up, ready to fight, "He said Wario's demeanor reminded him of someone from his world named Fred Durst, and that got Wario into this dreadful music he and his band produce."
Eventually, Mills appeared, threatening to disqualify Wario if he didn't go to his corner, which Wario begrudgingly did, still sat lazily across his motorbike.
"The following contest," Mills began, frustration on the tip of his theoretical tongue, "Is a Round 1 match of the Super Smash Brothers Ultimate Tournament. The winner of this bout will face either Dark Pit or Green in the next round! Now, introducing in the corner to my left. He comes to us from The Metal Gear universe, he is the Legendary Soldier of Fortune, Solid Snake!"
Much as he had done before, he waved bashfully to near-universal chants of "Snake, Snake, SNAAAAAAAAKE!"
"And introducing in the corner to my right. He comes to us from the Mario universe, he is The Farter of Gold, WARIO!"
"CUZ EVERYTHING I DO, EVEN FART, IS MONEY! WAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Wario to a cascade of boos from the crowd.
"So," sighed Mills, "You know the drill by now gentlemen. If Wario wins the coin toss it'll be Warioware, if Snake wins the coin toss the stage will be Shadow Moses Island! Gentlemen, call it!"
"He-" Snake began
VROOM!
A mischievous smile appeared on Wario's face, as he revved his engine again.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Since no one called the coin toss, I have decided as the referee that the stage will be Warioware Inc!"
"WAHAHAHAHAHA! Outsmarted you, soldier boy," mocked the fat man with the mustache as he did celebratory donuts on his motorcycle.
In the Smashers Box, there was clamor, "Did lardo seriously bribe a robot?" Daisy balked.
A few of the Brawl veterans snickered.
Mario smirked, "No, but I let him think he did. I planted the seeds that our Wire Frame, Polygon, and Alloys have a concept of money, so he's been pumping money right into my bank account for three tournaments."
"Why let him do it?" asked Subject Zero, who had been standing at the back of the room unnoticed with the other ninjas.
"Because he'll whine at any randomization and quite frankly I don't have the patience for it."
"That idea rules," Sans laughed, casting a thumbs up.
"What's to stop us from telling Boss when he gets back?" sneered an indignant Porky, the rest of the Wario Family Wa-ffice nodding inquisitively behind him.
"If you do," Mario began, his brow furrowed, "You'll be locked in your rooms all tournament. Now zip your lip."
"Yes sir," came Porky's meek reply as the fighters were finally teleported away after Mills calmed Wario's celebration.
Stage: Warioware Inc
Rules: Two stock, items medium
Music: Ruins (Wario Land: Shake It)
3
Snake appeared sprawled out on all fours, having cloaked himself with his black Octo Camo suit.
2
Wario careened onto the leftmost platform, crashing his bike, which disappeared in a puff of fire as he dusted himself off.
1
GO!
Snake immediately leaped up, catching Wario flush on the jaw with a kick. Landing on the platform below Wario as he grunted in pain, he jumped up again twisting so that his body so that his feet were facing up. The maneuver planted itself perfectly on Wario's jaw bone. As the fat man yelped in pain, Snake leaped up to meet Wario on the platform, whipping out a mortar, the force of which sent Wario flying upward, perfectly level with the mortar shell that exploded on his gut. With a mischievous chuckle, Wario jumped away, while Snake landed softly on the platform. Wario eventually floated to him, leaving him open for two back-to-back kicks. Even through all the damage, Wario looked unharmed, still smiling like a buffoon. An Assist Trophy appeared behind them, spawning in the dead center of the stage. In one motion, Wario jumped up, kicking Snake in the face. As the soldier staggered from the suddenness of the attack. Wario grabbed the Assist Trophy. Holding it above his head with pride, the prism shattered open to reveal a black man in sunglasses in a trenchcoat.
"Let the games begin," smoothly proclaimed the man.
Snake was already mid-sprint when Rodin finished speaking, but a shockwave of blood-red demonic energy when the demon stomped the ground closed the gap.
His smile even wider now, Wario jumped once again, floating underneath Snake, pressing his head in between both his hands with a clap, then another. As Snake fell to the ground, trying to clear the cobwebs, Wario waddled over to the other side of the stage, hands leisurely rested behind his head as Rodin juked Snake with a dive kick. Demon nor treasure hunter was prepared when Snake suddenly came back into the fray, getting just enough verticality to kick Rodin in the ankles. The man cried out, suddenly executing a rolling falling kick, catching the stealth master off guard as Rodin's full body weight sent Snake hurdling into the air, right into a small fart by Wario.
"Typical fat cat bastard," hissed Cranky, "Getting someone else to do the work for you."
"Well when you're a rich businessman like Wario is, you can do that!" snapped 9-Volt.
As the commentators bickered, Snake lay on the floor stunned. A jumping kick propelled Rodin through the air dug into Snake's back, sending him to the blast zone.
Snake: 1
Wario: 2
"YES," 9-Volt cheered, "Go, boss!"
As Cranky gagged, Snake immediately exited the revival platform, using the invincibility of being revived to survive Rodin's onslaught and kick yet another Assist Trophy out of Wario's grubby hands, rolling to grab it mid-run, and hoisting it up to reveal Grey Fox.
"Snaaake," the cyborg ninja moaned.
As Wario and Rodin avoided the onslaught of katana slices from the former Frank Jaeger, the elevator behind them opened up to a desert setting.
"LOOK OUT!" demanded scratchy text above them.
Wario, in reading the text, walked right into a barrage of slashes from Grey Fox. To add to the mayhem, a sneaker-adorned foot stomped down, burying Wario in a rut as the ninja mindlessly slashed away. A rocket-propelled grenade at point-blank range only sealed the defenseless fighter's date with the blast zone.
Snake: 1
Wario: 1
The Assist Trophies were gone, both fighters were at zero, as Snake recovered the bit of damage he'd received via winning the mini-game and Wario was barreling down from the revival platform. It all came down to this.
The two stood in their fighting stances, Snake in a much more traditional Muay Thai stance, while Wario puffed out his chest. For what felt like an eternity, Snake dodged around Wario's lumbering hammer fists and lariats, while Wario, as big as was, dodged Snake's punches and kicks as quickly as a cat.
Once again, the elevator door opened. The world was all blue, the only thing in this new room was a slab of granite
"CHISEL!" the text instructed.
Half-heartedly, Snake clubbed away at the rock slab, hoping by some miracle to unearth the bodybuilder sculpture underneath, although both knew no two men had ever completed the minigame in its history.
"WA HA HA! FOR I, ZEE GREAT WARIO, WILL FINALLY CLEAR THIS-A MINI-GAME BY MYSELF," Wario chortled in contrast.
The time expired.
"What? No fair!" pouted Wario.
Instead of transforming back into the stage, the elevator door simply closed. Snake's combat stance briefly wavered with dread, while Wario's pout immediately turned to its usual sinister smile. It was time for another mini-game. The doors opened to a greyscale facsimile of an alleyway.
The instructions were clear, "STAY DRY!"
Immediately, Snake stepped outside the protection of the floating umbrella, as the oddly painful rain pelted him. Snake gestured, 'c'mon' with both hands. Wario's expression immediately transformed into a hideous growl and bolted within striking distance of the mercenary soldier, the two trading punches, neither man faltering. The mini-game ended, and as it did, Wario slapped Snake across the face. Wario's meaty palm was enough to shake the combat veteran. A salvo of punches rocked Snake backward, ever closer to the edge of the stage, until the final punch sent him off stage. Wario laughed heartily as Snake summoned a Cypher, the drone carrying him upwards.
"FINAL SMASH!" 9-Volt broke from his commentary on the action as the ball appeared.
The two saw it at the same time, Wario summoning his motorcycle, driving to the opposite end of the stage for momentum, and carrying that momentum across the stage to jump for the mystical orb. Meanwhile, Snake, who had been hanging on to the ledge as Wario prepared jumped to meet the wannabe stuntman just as he was about to connect with it. Wario's eyes widened in horror when he saw what Snake had in his hand, a detonator.
"THERE!" growled Snake, pressing the button.
Much to Snake's relief, both he and Wario traveled vertically as opposed to horizontally, meaning that the trip down was much more gentle than he had anticipated. All it took was both competitors landing on the top-right platform of the stage for chaos to reign again, Snake jumped up, unleashing a flurry of kicks. Wario dodged them all, chuckling all the way. Snake's eyes didn't even have time to widen before Wario thrust his palm upward into his jaw. Luckily, adrenaline drove his equilibrium this day, Sake thrust kicking Wario as hard as he could in the jaw. Wario was launched away, spiraling through the air as he did. Throwing a grenade as extra assurance, Snake kicked open the Smash Ball. Not even Wario's torrent of currents or haphazard attempt to pick up the grenade before it exploded was enough to break Snake's resolve.
"It's showtime," he purred, throwing a smoke bomb.
Snake watched like a hawk as Wario leaped around the stage, swearing all the way like a toddler denied a toy. Whispering Wario's coordinates so faintly it seemed his mouth barely moved, a single ballistic missile was enough to take the owner of Warioware Inc out of the picture, the victim crying "WAAAAAAAAAAAA" as the inevitable occurred
GAME!
On the Smash Courtyard, Snake crawled on his belly, rolling onto his knees announcing, "This is Snake, mission accomplished," as the splash screen declared his victory.
"FUCK YOU!" Wario screamed in between claps, "YOU SUCK!"
Wario's interview time was now, Mister Zero joined him, "What're your…"
"BALLISTIC MISSILE'S ALL FOR A-LOSERS! YOU-A GOT-A LUCKY! IF YOU DON'T GET A-TAKEN OUT BY GREEN, OR MY CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND DARK PIT, SOMEONE IN MY WA-FICE WILL, AND DAT'S A PROMISE!" roared the now purple-faced man, stomping off.
Meanwhile, Mister Zero stood with a poised Snake, "Congratulations on your victory."
"Thank you, but a man in my position can't afford to celebrate every victory. Dark Pit intel will be easy enough to find, but this Green and her Galar Pokemon are a near-mystery."
"Is that a lack of confidence I hear from you?" the man in the purple suit prodded.
"No, just realism" Snake shook his head, "Whatever happens, the best fighter will win. Dark Pit, Green, I watch your match with great interest"
And with that, Snake jogged off-camera and headed for the Smashers Box. Amidst the ranting and raving of Wario, everyone not in his Wa-ffice stable applauded, Isabelle pushing her way through the crowd.
"Gimme five!" she cheered.
"Shoot, was hoping you'd forget,"
Isabelle put her hands on her hips, a frown on his face, "You seem to underestimate my memory quite a bit,"
"I was joking," Snake smirked, holding out his hand.
With a cheery "hup," Isabelle jumped up, completing the high five.
"Softy," loudly growled Bill Rizer from somewhere in the mass of people.
"I heard that Bill," Snake growled back.
"Hey hey! Randomizer's up!" quacked Mikey.
Flipping through the matches remaining, Cranky and 9-Volt announced the randomizer's decision.
"ZELDA VERSUS DOCTOR MARIO!"
Even in the midst of 100 plus people all chittering excitedly, Doctor Marip's audible sigh could be heard, "Here we go again,"
Zelda and Mario were now walking alongside each other on their way up to the front of the auditorium. The bubbly princess giggled, "Chin up, it'll be fun! I'll even go, Sheik, the entire time so you don't have to put up with all the magic."
"Oh, could you?" Doctor Mario sounded relieved now, "Self-examinations are always ridiculous, more so after you've been walloped with magic."
"We get auto-healed here," Zelda teased, "You're bringing all that extra annoyance on yourself."
"I'm a doctor, can you blame me for being neurotic and over-thorough?"
"I hate to break up this lovely conversation," Shulk interrupted, "But Zelda, you're in Tunnel A. Doc, you're in Tunnel B, and please, try your best."
"Why wouldn't I?" Doctor Mario asked, "The money's good,"
Shulk laughed, "Fair enough, good luck to you both."
"Yes, good luck Doctor," Zelda nodded, turning to walk down her tunnel.
Doctor Mario cracked his gloved knuckles, heading down Tunnel B.
(AN: To listen to the entire Rollin' Forest mashup, hit up my profile for a link!)