Bilbo: …and that's what happened.
Gandalf: But why would this Gollum creature just give you his magic ring?
Thorin: And why do you smell like shit?
Bilbo: Guys, did you miss the part how there's been dirt and dust all the way here?
Goblin 1: *in the distance* Where'd he go?
Goblin 2: *in the distance* Look, the footprints lead this way.
Goblin 1: *in the distance* GET HIM!
Goblin 2: *in the distance* Hey, are those dwarf tracks?
Goblin 1: *in the distance* Even better. ONWARDS, TO BATTLE! *whipcrack, followed by ominous wolf howling sounds*
Balin: Ah crap, they've got wargs.
Bilbo: The fuck are wargs?
Dwalin: They're wolves, but large.
Bilbo: Uh huh. And reason we're still standing here is… *realises everyone else has left* Oh, COME ON GUYS! *runs after them*
*in a clearing at the top of a cliff*
Gandalf: Quick, up the trees. They'll never expect it.
Ori: But there's hardly any leaves in these trees. Won't they see us?
Dori: Shut up and get climbing Ori.
Ori: Why do you hang around with you guys? *follows the others into trees as Bilbo makes it into the clearing*
Bilbo: Hey guys, kinda need a hand here.
Nori: Sorry, but it's every man for himself today.
Bilbo: You're not men, you're dwarves. Gandalf's the only man here.
Gandalf: Actually, I'm a Maia.
Bilbo: What the fuck is a…you know what? Never mind. Just get me off the ground before the goblins get…
Goblin 1: *bursting into the clearing* Found ya bitch.
Gloin: Get up here *drags Bilbo into a tree*
Goblin 2: Well, thanks for making this easy for us. You got some matches?
Goblin 1: *pulling them out* Always.
Bilbo: Alright Gandalf, what's the plan here?
Gandalf: You really think I have a plan for this?
Fili: Besides, you're the one who led them to us.
Kili: If anything, you should be coming up with a plan.
Bilbo: Oh yeah, make this MY fault. That's gonna help.
Bombur: Guys, why do I smell roast pork?
Bofur: Your butthole's on fire.
Bombur: *looking down* Huh, so it is.
Oin: You don't seem too alarmed by this.
Bombur: What good's panicking going to do at this point? We're either gonna roast, or we're going to be eaten by goblins. Either way the pain will be gone soon.
Goblin 2: Just fall already. We have wargs to feed.
Oin: Make us.
Goblin 2: You heard him boys *goblins start shaking the trees*
Thorin: Damn it Oin, Ori's supposed to be the disappointment here.
Ori: It feels good to not be the worst for once.
Bilbo: Well, I guess this is the end then. Fuck all of you for dragging me along on this…
Lord of the Eagles: Will you people SHUT THE FUCK UP?!
Goblin 1: Piss off eagle, this doesn't concern you.
Lord of the Eagles: It is 3 in the morning, and you guys are screaming like banshees. I'd say that concerns me a lot.
Goblin 2: Look, as soon as these guys come down from their trees, we'll shut up and leave. Until then…
Lord of the Eagles: Oh, is that so? Okay boys, rescue time.
Other Eagles: Yes sir.
Goblin 1: Wait, NO!
Lord of the Eagles: *as he and his flock started carrying everyone away* It's too late for that, douchebag.
Goblin 2: We'll get you for this, Eagles.
Lord of the Eagles: Oh no you won't.
Gandalf: So, what was that about being dragged into this adventure?
Bilbo: Hanging from a bird's talon isn't exactly my idea of fun.
Lord of the Eagles: We could always drop you.
Bilbo: …this is fine.
*at Eagle's Eyrie*
Lord of the Eagles: You can rest here for the night.
Gandalf: Why thank you.
Lord of the Eagles: To be clear: we're not doing this because we like you, but because those goblins are asshole.
Thorin: Eh, whatever works.
Bilbo: You guys wouldn't have any food, would you?
Lord of the Eagles: Hold on, I ate a deer on the way here *starts to regurgitate it* Open wide, little one.
Bilbo: …I'm sorry I asked.
