Chapter 8: Insects and Arachnids

Bilbo: So this is Mirkwood, huh?

Thorin: Indeed it is.

Bilbo: Can't say I'm fond of the place.

Dwalin: Why's that?

Bilbo: Oh, you know, the whole foreboding nature of the place, shrouded in impenetrable darkness, the unshakeable feeling that someone or thing's watching us, you know, all those little things tend to put me on edge.

Bofur: Pussy.

Balin: You know he has a point, right?

Bofur: Doesn't make him any less of a pussy.

Fili: Hey guys, a river.

Thorin: Great. We can refill our waterskins, and…

Kili: Question.

Thorin: What's your question?

Kili: Is water meant to be black?

Thorin: …guys, don't go near the water.

Oin: What if it's going right across the path?

Thorin: …I agree with Bilbo, this place sucks.

Dori: How are we going to get across?

Bilbo: I think I can see a boat.

Nori: Really? Where?

Bilbo: …the other side of the river.

Gloin: Alright, I have an idea *pulls out a bow, and fires an arrow with a rope attached across the river* Ori, hold this end of the rope until the rest of us climb across.

Thorin: Good thinking Gloin. Everyone, climb across.

*on the other side of the river*

Bilbo: *pulling the arrow out of a tree* Well, I'm glad we're all across and all, but now what happens to Ori?

Ori: What are you talking about Bilbo?

Bilbo: …what…you…here…explain.

Ori: I just held the rope as I climbed across.

Bilbo: But…we took the rope down on our end.

Thorin: But I don't think he knew that.

Bombur: Well, as long as nothing bad happened to any of us, I guess we can just continue with our… *a deer comes out of nowhere and knocks Bombur over*

Ori: I got it *fires an arrow at the deer as it was jumping across the river, killing it as it landed on the other side*

Thorin: Ori, why did you do that?

Ori: Well, we're going to be running low on food eventually, so I figured I should kill the deer so we'd have some extra.

Thorin: Uh huh. And where did it land?

Ori: The other side of the river.

Thorin: *condescendingly* Very good. Now, here's the tricky bonus question: how are we supposed to get the deer?

Ori: …oh…

Bilbo: Also, the deer knocked Bombur into the river.

Fili: But don't worry, we're getting him out.

Kili: He does weigh a ton though.

Thorin: Ori, you've officially been demoted to pack mule.

Ori: Carrying what?

*later, as Ori's struggling behind the group carrying Bombur by himself*

Bofur: How much further until we're out if here?

Oin: Who knows? It might be a few hours, it might be a few years.

Bilbo: If only someone could climb up to the top of the trees and see if they could see the end of the forest.

Thorin: Bilbo, climb a tree and see if you can see the end of the forest.

Bilbo: Why me?

Gloin: Because you're the smallest of us, so you shouldn't break the tree's upper branches when you reach them.

Bilbo: Do I look like someone who can climb trees?

Nori: You don't have to.

Bilbo: What do you… *gets grabbed by several dwarves*

Dori: On three. One, two, THREE! *the dwarves launch Bilbo into the air*

Bilbo: SON OF A BI… *reaches the top of the trees* Oh hey, we're nowhere near the end of the forest *starts falling* You hear that, guys? *no response* Guys? *realises he's still falling* …uh oh… *crashes into the ground* Guys? Where'd you go?

? 1: Did you hear that?

? 2: Did we miss one?

? 1: Let's go check.

Bilbo: Okay, that doesn't sound good *immediately puts his ring on as two spiders appear*

? 2: Huh, could sworn the noise was coming from here.

? 1: Same, so it's not like you're crazy or anything.

? 2: *turning back the way they came* Why do you always say that, Bob?

Bob: *following him* Say what, Jerry?

Jerry: Say that I'm crazy. You always imply that I'm crazy, and I don't appreciate it.

Bob: Hey, I'm not the one who hooked up with Cheryl, okay?

Jerry: IT WAS A ONE TIME THING, OKAY?!

Bob: She made you believe her 250 babies were yours, didn't she?

Jerry: How was I to know they weren't mine?

Bob: Dude, she gave birth to them THREE DAYS later. She'd totally been screwing some guy two weeks ago, probably someone she doesn't even remember the name of.

Jerry: Do NOT talk about Cheryl that way.

Bob: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! You're still in love with her after THAT?!

Jerry: Hey, maybe a few of those kids are mine.

Bob: That is NOT how that works, buddy. She had all of those eggs in her when you and her got together.

Jerry: But Cheryl said…

Bob: CHERYL IS A LYING THOT, YOU IDIOT!

Jerry: Hey, she's a nice girl, just give her a chance.

Bob: Oh, like you did? How'd that go for you, by the way?

Jerry: Ugh, just forget it. Me and her will work it out, you'll see.

Bob: Doubt it.

Jerry: You'll see. She's going to be super impressed once she sees all these dwarves we captured *indicates the bundles hanging all around them*

Bob: You know she's just going to use you for the free food, right?

Jerry: She would never… *starts screaming as a knife suddenly stabs him in the face*

Bob: Jerry? OH MY GOD, JERRY?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!

Bilbo: I'm sorry guys, but as entertaining as this conversation is, these dwarves owe me money, so I do need them alive.

Jerry: My face…it stings…it stings…

Bob: Jerry? You're gonna be okay, you got that? I'm gonna find this guy, then I'm going to… *Bilbo stabs him* AHH! NOW MY FACE STINGS! *Bilbo proceeds to kill him, along with Jerry*

Bilbo: *looking at his knife* Sting, eh? Not a bad name for this. But the more important thing right now is freeing these guys *starts cutting everyone free*

*later*

Thorin: Thank you for freeing us Bilbo.

Dwalin: Yeah, you really came through for us.

Bilbo: Yeah, but right now we have a more pressing issue.

Balin: And what's that?

Bilbo: We left the path.

Gloin: That's okay, we'll just find it again.

Ori: Also, we're surrounded *points out the spiders surrounding them*

Thorin: Ori, when did you notice this?

Ori: While Bilbo was still cutting us free.

Thorin: And you didn't say anything because…

Ori: I didn't think anyone would listen.

Thorin: DAMN IT ORI! Pick up Bombur, we have to get moving.

Ori: But Thorin…

Thorin: LET'S MOVE OUT PEOPLE!

Bilbo: I'll distract them.

Thorin: That's brave and all Bilbo, but…

Bilbo: Trust me, watch this *to the spiders* Hey guys, I killed Bob and Jerry.

Spider 1: WHAT?! Not Bob!

Spider 2: What about Jerry?

Spider 1: Eh, he was kind of a cuck.

Spider 2: Yeah, fair enough.

Spider 1: *to all the spiders* FOR BOB!

Rest of the Spiders: FOR BOB!

Bilbo: Come get me *slips on the ring*

Spider 2: Where the fuck did he go?

Thorin: That's a good question, where the fuck did he go?

Bilbo: *on the other side of the clearing* Over here, dumbasses.

Spider 1: He's over there, dumbasses, let's get him *the spiders run towards the spot they heard Bilbo's voice, leaving the dwarves alone*

Balin: …I guess we can go now?

*later*

Fili: You know, it's too bad we won't see Bilbo again.

Bilbo: *pulling off the ring* What do you mean?

Kili: Bilbo?! But what about the spiders?

Oin: And how do you keep disappearing and reappearing?

Bombur: And where'd you get that ring?

Thorin: And when did you wake up again?

Ori: Hey, I'm not complaining.

Bilbo: I literally just stood next to a tree while they rushed past me, and I got this magic ring that turns me invisible by robbing that Gollum guy.

Nori: I approve of this.

Dwalin: And you're not worried that thing might be cursed?

Bilbo: Oh, like that's gonna happen.

Dori: So…any ideas how we're gonna get out of here?

Oin: Hey, there's some light over there.

Gloin: Looks like a campfire.

Bofur: And where there's a campfire, there must be food.

Bilbo: Okay guys, what we need to do is…

Dwalin: Charge in and steal all the food?

Bilbo: That is the opposite of what you should…

Thorin: Good idea Dwalin. Gentlemen, ATTACK! *the dwarves charge*

Bilbo: *sigh* This is going to end badly *starts following them, only for the light to go out as the dwarves reached the clearing* See, I told you that was a bad idea *silence* Guys? *more silence* Guys?! *more silence* …well, shit.