Thranduil: For the last time, why did you come here?
Thorin: I'll never tell you.
Thranduil: Listen, we know you dwarves used to live in that mountain over by the lake. We happen to like the humans in the nearby town, in fact we even trade with them, and would hate for Smaug to do anything to them. So, if you're going there to get rid of the dragon, tell us, and we'll provide you with food and supplies to get over there.
Thorin: *spits in Thranduil's face* You'll never get me to speak, you filthy elf.
Thranduil: *sigh* Look, I want to help you, but…
Thorin: Why would a disgusting creature such as yourself want to help me?
Thranduil: I just said, because we…
Thorin: You're just trying to get our riches, aren't you? Well, you ain't gonna get them, you got that, douchebag?
Legolas: What should we do with him, father?
Thorin: And you can piss the fuck off. You're not even in this book.
Thranduil: …you know what? I've given you a chance, sit in your cell and rot for all I care.
Legolas: Allow me, father.
Thorin: Keep your filthy hands off me, you non-character.
*back in his cell*
Thorin: Man, I sure showed him.
Balin: Maybe so, Your Majesty. But did you consider the possibility that he did legitimately want to help us?
Thorin: Poor Balin, you've never been good at noticing the sneakiness of the elves when they speak, have you?
Balin: Really? What did he say to make you suspect him?
Thorin: He didn't have to say anything, he's an elf.
Ori: Yep, that'd do it.
Thorin: See? Even Ori gets it *realisation* Oh God, I just agreed with Ori.
Dwalin: This truly is a depressing place.
Bilbo: *pulling off his ring* Never fear, for I am here.
Gloin: You're not the Symbol of Peace.
Oin: Bilbo, how the hell did you get in here?
Bilbo: I literally just took off my magic ring.
Ori: Yeah, it was pretty obvious how he snuck in.
Bilbo: See? Even Ori gets it *realisation* Oh God, I just agreed with Ori.
Fili: So Bilbo, what's the plan for escaping from here?
Bilbo: Well, put simply…I have no idea.
Kili: Couldn't you just steal the key and let us out, thereby allowing us to sneak away?
Bilbo: That's one idea, but you guys aren't exactly stealthy.
Bombur: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WE'RE NOT QUIET?!
Guard 1: *in the next room* Hey, what was that?
Guard 2: *in the next room* Maybe we should check it out.
Bofur: Great going, Bombur.
Bilbo: Okay, I'm going to get out of here, but I'll be back as soon as I figure out a way to free you guys *puts the ring back on*
*several weeks later*
Bilbo: …yeah, I got nothing *hears someone coming and puts the ring back on*
Butler: …so you're saying that almost every single member of the king's guard is going to be in the upper halls during a very loud festival, leaving us down here alone to do whatever the hell we want for the next few hours before we have to dispose of the empty barrels in the other room by sending them down the river?
Guard: That is exactly what I just said to you, and I have no idea why you bothered to repeat it in that way.
Butler: Just wanted to be clear on the situation. Wanna get drunk?
Guard: Don't we have dwarves to guard?
Butler: They've been here for weeks. If they were going to escape, I would think they'd have done it by now.
Guard: Fair enough. What are we drinking?
Butler: How about this? *pulls down a bottle*
Guard: That's just straight up chloroform.
Butler: What are you, chicken?
Guard: No, I just…
Butler: Bok bok BUCKAW!
Guard: Okay, that's it. You're fucking ON, bitch.
Butler: *pouring two shots of chloroform* Damn right you are.
Guard: But just so you know, I still think this is a bad idea.
Butler: Pussy *the two elves down their shots* UGH! That shit is NASTY!
Guard: I told you it was a bad idea.
Butler: Oh, what's the worst that could… *falls asleep*
Guard: Probably that *falls asleep*
Bilbo: …alright, I guess that's how we're getting out of here *grabs the keys from the guard and heads to the dungeon*
*dungeon*
Dori: Took ya long enough.
Bilbo: You know I could keep you in here to rot, right?
Nori: Hey, don't leave him in here.
Gloin: Yeah, leave Ori if you're going to leave anyone.
Thorin: Please bring him with us.
Ori: Oh…thank you Your Majesty.
Thorin: We might still need him as a meat shield.
Ori: …of course you do.
Bilbo: *opening all the cages* Yes, yes, I know, we all hate Ori. But come on, we don't have much time.
*back in the cellar*
Bilbo: Gentlemen, I present to you, our escape method.
Dwalin: Barrels?
Bilbo: Yep.
Balin: And you're sure about this?
Bilbo: No, but do you have a better idea?
Fili: So, what, we just seal ourselves in a barrel each?
Bilbo: Yeah, they're sending them down the river to the men of Lake-town, which I figure is closer to our destination than being stuck here, so…
Kili: And you're just assuming we're not going to drown in the process?
Bilbo: Look, like I said before, if you have a better idea, let's hear it.
Kili: …son of a bitch.
Thorin: Alright Bilbo, help everyone get in.
Bilbo: Yes sir.
*later*
Bilbo: Alright, everyone's in a barrel, right?
Ori: But Bilbo, how will you…
Bilbo: Shut up Ori, I hear someone coming *puts on his ring*
Elf 1: *coming into the room* So these are the barrels we're dumping, right?
Elf 2: Probably. If you're not sure, better check with Galion.
Elf 1: Can't. He's passed out again.
Elf 2: Seriously?! Was it at least booze this time?
Elf 1: Nope, chloroform again.
Elf 2: Son of a…why do we even keep those together?
Elf 1: Who knows? Let's just dump these things and get back to the party.
Elf 2: Sure *pulls a lever that lets the barrels out into a river below the cellar*
Bilbo: Ah, my plan worked perfectly, letting the dwarves out via those barrels, while I remain trapped in here forev… *sudden realisation* Son of a… *dives through the hole before it closes*
Elf 1: Did you hear something?
Elf 2: Yeah, but I'm also drunk.
Elf 1: Me too. Let's go get drunker.
Narrator: And so, the Bilbo and the barrels of dwarves made their way down the river, and eventually made their way to…
Bilbo: Since when are you back?
Narrator: Look, do you want to spend the rest of the chapter talking to yourself, or do you want me to close this out?
Bilbo: Honestly, I was just expecting the chapter to cut to bla…
