When he walked into his mother's house and saw the familiar wallpaper and old family photos, Simon knew he was home. It was good to be back, despite the depressing texts from Clary.
What was he supposed to do with her 'I miss you' and 'you're still my best friend,' texts anyway? Should he reply with 'yeah I miss you too, but not the way you miss me', or better yet, he could say 'I've been in love with you from the beginning so you were never my best friend since I've never had platonic feelings for you!' Okay that was a bit harsh and spoke of bitterness, but Simon couldn't help it. He had decided to just not reply at all. Read, rage, ignore. It was as solution right? Okay maybe not, but Simon was home and he was going to try not think about it.
"Everything is how you left it," his mother, Elaine said, as they walked down the hall. "Though your sister's room has been emptied since she came to pack up her stuff." Elaine's voice softened with sadness as she finished her sentence. Simon had been worried about his mother since his sister Becky had officially moved out for good. At least with him home, she wouldn't be alone anymore.
"Yeah, Becky told me," Simon said. He was in fairly regular contact with his older sister, though she now lived far away in her third year of art school.
"It's so good to have you home!" his mother cried as she pulled him in for another hug. This had been happening basically on the half hour since she had first wrapped her arms around him at the airport. "The house is so empty with you kids gone."
"Mom," Simon sighed, rolling his eyes as he accepted her latest hug.
"And I'm so glad you aren't leaving me again!" Elaine exclaimed. "Do you want to look at local school brochures this afternoon?"
"Sure," Simon agreed. She finally let him go and he followed her into the kitchen where his mother started making them lunch, as if on automatic.
"I never much liked Clary," Elaine scoffed as she spread mustard on brown bread. "I always thought you could do better."
"I really don't want to talk about Clary," Simon whined.
"Didn't I always say she'd break your heart," Elaine continued against his wishes. Simon was sitting at the breakfast bar, but at his mother's words he let his head hit the counter in exasperation. It made a loud thunk, and Simon instantly regretted it as his forehead throbbed.
"You are going to hurt yourself doing that," Elaine warned, turning at the noise. "Oh you should get in touch with Kirk and Matt about your band," Elaine continued her one sided conversation. "Maybe before we look at new colleges. You need to get settled in." Simon patiently listened to his mother's happy ramblings while they eat lunch and for about an hour afterwards, then he politely excused himself. It had been a while since he'd spent so much alone time with mom, and he was definitely not used to it. Though he admitted some of her advice had been excellent. Simon texted both Kirk and Matt that afternoon, though he didn't get a reply. While he waited, Simon went for a walk around his old neighbourhood getting reacquainted with his home town, and trying not to think about all the places he'd visited with Clary. For example that bench was definitely not where they'd had their first taco together, and over there by that fountain was not the place he'd first told her he loved her.
Simon arrived home sulky, but thankfully his mother was too busy talking to notice. The next day she bribed him with a delicious breakfast of crepes, bacon, and fresh strawberries to get him to look into new school options. It turned out, one year of university with an undeclared major wasn't a lot as far as transferring went.
"I won't say I told you so," Elaine said. "But I told you so."
"Really… not helpful mom," Simon sighed. She was referring to his decision to follow Clary to school. His mother, having been one of the ones to warn him endlessly, that it was a bad idea before he'd done it.
"Fine yes," Elaine replied. "But still. A year with purpose would have been so much better, but nevermind. We shall just start from scratch." Simon groaned. Had his mother always been this annoying, or was it just that he'd gotten used to not living with her while at school? Nevertheless, he endured school hunting with her until they'd picked out a few contenders.
Kirk and Matt texted him back within the next couple days. Matt was able to get together and hang out sooner than Kirk, though when Simon asked him about getting the band back together, he wasn't keen on the idea.
"I've just kinda moved on, sorry man," Matt said. "It would be cool if you could get it going again though."
"Yeah," Simon sighed.
"I'm just so busy with work right now, and my girlfriend," Matt continued.
"A little piece of advice," Simon said only slightly bitterly. "Don't structure your life around a girl. It doesn't end well." Matt just laughed, clearly not taking the warning seriously. Oh well, Simon thought. He'd learn eventually one way or the other.
It took almost a week for Kirk to finally have time to hang out with Simon. They met up at an old arcade game store where Simon, Kirk, Matt, and Eric had spent almost all their high school weekends. The store had a section in the back that was for playing games, rather than buying them. You just needed enough quarters to keep the game going, the lights were dim, and many old style games lined the walls, all displaying 8bit graphics.
"That would be awesome!" Kirk said when Simon mentioned the band. "Let me know where you're playing. I will totally come." Kirk wasn't facing Simon, but rather had his eyes fixed forward on the game he was playing.
"No, I mean you should join again," Simon explained. Kirk's avatar died dramatically as he lost the level he was playing. Then he turned to Simon.
"Yeah, I don't really sing anymore," Kirk said. "My online digital graphics classes are so interesting, and I tend to spend all my time wrapped up in those."
Simon pretended like it was all fine. He smiled and told his friend he was happy that Kirk had found his passion, but this totally sucked!
Later that night, when Simon was by himself in his room, and feeling lonelier than he'd ever felt at home before, he got out his phone. He scrolled through his contacts absently until he reached someone he actually wanted to talk to.
'Hey,' Simon texted. 'How's your summer going so far?'
Then he set his phone down and stared up at his ceiling. He was lying on his childhood bed, gazing up as if there was more to see than white stucco which, of course, there wasn't. Simon got bored of his ceiling quickly and turned to the internet for comfort, opening up Netflix and selecting some period drama with good sword fighting scenes. Right when the heros were taking on an army with nothing but their sheer force of will, Simon's phone went off.
'Good, how about yours?' the text read.
He had to think for a moment. 'Weird,' he texted back. 'Living with mom again is weird.'
'Lol. Yes, moms are like that,' came the reply. 'Or so I hear.'
'Is your mom not?' Simon asked, curious.
'My parents think my brother can do no wrong and I should look to his example in all things,' her text read.
'That must suck,' Simon texted back. 'Sorry, I didn't know.'
'No worries,' she typed. 'How could you know.'
'Fair point,' Simon texted.
'Daniel is just a brat,' Maia's text read.
'Sounds like it,' Simon replied. 'My sister is more the motherly type.'
'Lucky,' Maia replied.
It was nice talking to Maia, like talking to a real friend. It hadn't felt the same hanging out with Kirk and Matt like it had before. They had both changed so much since high school, and Simon just wasn't sure what to say anymore. He and Eric had kept in touch at the University over the last year, so Simon hadn't noticed that negative change in their relationship in the same way. Simon wondered maybe if he hadn't left with Clary, would his old high school friends still be his friends, or was this just the nature order of the universe? Maybe High School friendships just weren't meant to last, kinda like High School sweethearts, he added sadly.
Did Simon have more friends, more purpose, more of a life at Clary's school than he did at home? It was a strange concept to consider. Certainly he was friends with Maia. Though he also suspected Jace had potential in that area, though the idea still felt wrong, as Jace was the one dating Clary now. He did have Eric back at school. And though he usually didn't want to see Clary, maybe they could salvage a friendship of some kind with time and distance. Then Simon found himself remembering the touch of a stranger's lips in the dark. There was that mystery elevator girl as well.
Simon covered his face with his pillow, blocking out the light and ceiling alike. He wished the pillow could block out his thoughts too, but no such luck. He had strange dreams that night, about broken friendships and confusing lights. Simon awoke curled around his pillow, and decided he needed a morning in bed to think.
"Mom," Simon said as casually as he could when he came down for breakfast a few hours later. "How mad would you be if I went back to the same school?"
"Why?" she asked, forgetting about the fruit she was preparing and looking up at him.
"Because I kinda think I want to go back," Simon said sheepishly. After all the fuss he'd made about leaving, he was feeling a little guilty changing his mind now.
"Why?" Elaine asked again.
"I realized I made friends there," Simon answered. "Friends who feel more real to me than the ones I left behind almost a year ago. And it's not like it's a bad university. The courses aren't that different from the ones we were looking at together."
"Well, I'll miss you," Elaine said, calmly. "But as long as its for you and not for a girl." She spoke the last word with such a sharp defiance, Simon had to think before answering. The girl in the elevator. No, this wasn't for her. Even if he'd like to see her again, it wasn't why he'd changed his mind. Friends, future, and freedom. These were what mattered, and Simon had realized these were things he couldn't obtain here under his mother's roof in his home town.
"It's not, I promise," Simon said, firmly. "I don't belong here anymore mom. I'm sorry." His mother didn't speak for a moment, then she let out a deep sigh as if she'd been holding it in since his arrival.
"I know," she said sadly. Simon walked over to her and hugged her. She wrapped her arms around him so tight, like she had when he'd been little.
"I am going to need to join a book club," his mother laughed as she let him go.
"That's a great idea," Simon exclaimed, glad she recognized she couldn't keep relying on visits from her children as her only social events.
Time passed as the new reality settled in. Simon and his mother were now talking about classes and dorms rather than selecting a school. One day Simon had a sudden idea, and texted Maia to ask her if she would like to join his band.
'Sorry,' Maia's text reply read. 'I don't have any musical skills, so unless you need an off-key singer, or someone to hit something and make a bang noise, I'm not your girl.'
'I'm sure you're not that bad,' Simon consoled her. He was proven very very wrong a moment later when Maia called him to sing off-key to him, just to make her point.
So it was still gonna be just him and Eric, but it had been just him and Eric all year anyway. The Immortal Instruments were epic even with only two members, though Simon was seriously considering holding auditions when he got back.
"You should pick a major," Elaine told Simon while they were hunched over a tablet at the kitchen table looking at courses.
"I don't have to declare till third year," Simon repeated.
"That doesn't mean you should wait till third year," his mother argued. "And are you sure you want to live in dorms again?"
"I don't mind," Simon replied. "And it is the cheapest option."
"Splitting rent with someone off campus might be more comfortable," Elaine reminded him.
"I don't want to rent with a stranger," Simon explained. "I might as well dorm with a stranger if I'm gonna do that. I don't have any friends looking for places to live right now." He shrugged. "Dorms aren't bad, really. Besides I got lucky last year, and wasn't even stuck with a roommate. I haven't paid my dues yet." His mother laughed as she tried to explain that wasn't how it worked, but Simon stuck to his dorm plan.
Simon wasn't sure if he should tell Clary or not. Maybe it was best to keep it to himself for now. It was a big campus. He might not run into her for a while, and he didn't want to deal with her strange confusing joy at his returning to the school until he had to.
Sneak Peek Chapter 51
He was rather excited about it though he was also possibly having an out of body experience. Was Clary really there next to him making him glow with pride? Surely it was someone else more worthy of her standing here holding her hand.
Jace walked up to Celine's house, Clary's hand held in his acting as Jace's anchor as he ran the doorbell. Why was he so nervous? He knew his mother would love Clary just as much as he did. He knew it, so why did Jace feel like a coiled spring of anxious energy?
