Chapter 5 - Before You Go

Author's Note: Warning: Vampires being vampire-y and an excessive level of snuggles.

~ Rivana Rita


Honestly? He doesn't know how he's supposed to sleep in the same room as them. It doesn't help that Crosshair is fairly certain they feel the same way.

He's a mess of hurt and rage, and it instinctively makes Crosshair want to lash out, to hurt them back for hurting him, and he would do it, too, if he didn't feel their hurt burning in his mind. It's... a strange feeling. Not one he wants, either.

Wrecker is hurt and miserable, and a little angry, too. Crosshair loathes that there's a part of him that wants to try making him feel better. There's a tiny part of him that hates himself for doing that to Wrecker, to all of them, and he hates that, too. He's doing what he has to, to protect them. That's what they've always been and done for each other.

Except for him, apparently, and that fills him with no small amount of bitterness.

Echo's anger has faded into a fierce determination, but his hunger is still burning. That's... not ideal, but Crosshair wasn't sure how the turn would affect his eldest brother, either. It's not like he was able to ask Tech.

Tech himself feels numbly empty now.

Hunter is...

Crosshair doesn't want to think about him right now, but he – he just wants what they used to have to come back, to be here again. Hunter always used to protect them above everything else, and he doesn't understand when and how that changed. Once, Hunter would've done anything for them, for him. And now...

He wasn't wrong that compelling them, keeping them here by force, isn't going to make it real. It doesn't, and it never could. He wants to be with them again, to fill the aching void of emptiness inside him.

But it isn't real. And Hunter doesn't want to stay with here, with him, and the others will always follow Hunter.

Crosshair loathes just as much how, when talking to Hunter, it felt like – like he should just give in and listen to him. Once, this devotion wouldn't have bothered him, but now? It's not as though it's returned, either. They left him. They – he saw them on Ryloth, and...

It'd be wrong to say he didn't want to hurt them, because he really, really did, and for as guilty as he sometimes feels about it, it was still their choice. Not his.

Back on Kamino, when they argued, it hurt enough for his hunger to well up, and he just reacted half on instinct, even if it was senseless because Hunter is his sire, and he can't...

It wouldn't change the way their bond worked, obviously, but he was desperate enough to not even care. If Hunter does something stupid and gets himself killed for it, that's not something Crosshair will be able to live with. He'd been desperate, wanting to feel... cared for, and his vampire instincts insisted that feeding would... fix that somehow.

The others are already laying down when Crosshair finally works up the courage to go back out there. Except Echo, anyway, who's pacing the length of the much-too-small room. It's significantly smaller than their barracks on Kamino, which – which are now gone.

That's not something Crosshair wants to think about, either.

Echo pauses when he sees him, and he – surprisingly – doesn't look hostile like before, though he goes to the far side of the room and sits down.

"If you need to feed," Tech says, visibly irked, "I recommend you do it prior to sleeping."

"I'm fine," Echo insists stubbornly.

Wrecker is already sleeping, curled up next to Hunter. They've all taken their armor off, except Echo, who doesn't seem to have any intention of settling down. Then again, sleeping works differently for him, as everything does.

Crosshair hasn't slept near them in a month, and they've always been together. Being without them for even a day was hard. It's worse now that they're here and still so far. Crosshair turns away from them pointedly, taking off his own armor. It looks so out of place piled near theirs in its lifeless black. It makes Crosshair miss his old armor even more.

"Crosshair." He turns at Hunter's voice, as quiet as it might've been. His face betrays nothing, and he feels... still over their bond, and Crosshair doesn't really know if he likes it. "Here," he says, motioning to the spot on the floor beside him. Tech's taken one of the bunks in the room, but he's the only one.

"Why?" he asks, but comes over, anyway, "Afraid I'll stab someone?"

It's not an unfair question, considering he's worried about the same.

But Hunter being Hunter doesn't fall for the jibe. He just watches, and Crosshair somewhat reluctantly lays down next to him.

For a moment they just look at each other, and it feels like he should say something, even if he's completely exhausted and just wants to sleep. He doesn't feel safe or protected anymore, and he wants that again.

Crosshair knows what he wants, but it just feels so hopelessly unachievable. It's too far from reach for him to find. They're not going to want him now any more than they did before.

Hunter did... he did apologize for leaving him, but that doesn't make anything better. It's not as though he's really chosen to come back, either.

The hunger is burning again, and the seeming never-ending headache has kicked up a few notches. Maybe it's also that it's become instinctive for Crosshair – and for all of them – to turn to Hunter when they're hurting, because he's still used to the time when Hunter would take care of him. He scoots a bit closer, slightly hesitant.

Hunter stopped him last time, and he doesn't know if this will be different, and he's almost more afraid of feeling the rejection again than of not trying. (Really, he just wants to cry right now, but that's stupid and childish. He's nine, and he's fully grown, and he's a soldier.)

Hunter shifts slightly so he's on his back, and Crosshair pushes himself up a bit, curling against his side. He can feel Hunter's uncertainty, his... not-quite-fear, and Crosshair feels it the same, but he tries not to think about it.

He pushes himself up a bit, reaching to touch Hunter's neck. He doesn't move away, almost surprisingly. Crosshair's bite from earlier is still healing, still sore, though it's much better than he thought it should be. Hunter said they have enhanced healing.

Hunter offers a faint, slightly strained, but still present, smile. Crosshair nearly freezes when he sees it, because he cannot remember the last time Hunter looked at him like that. He's missed it, and the longing comes back in full force.

He swings his leg over Hunter's, half curled on top of him now, free arm draped around his waist. Blinking back at the sudden and unexpected tears burning his eyes, Crosshair ducks his head onto Hunter's neck and bites down again. He tries to align it with the previous one, because that'll hurt less, but he's not fully sure he managed.

Hunter wraps an arm around him, lightly stroking his hand down Crosshair's back. It's gentle, familiar, just like almost everything about this is, and it hurts. He doesn't know if it's the contact, or the feeding, but something is... calming him. It's taking the edge of his anger off, and even if it hurts even more, it's better than feeling nothing.

His blood is... warm, but they're all warm. It's soothing somehow, not in quite the same way it was for the others. Granted, Echo's probably would've been similar, if it didn't have the faintest tangy bitterness to him that their oldest brother has always had, and if Crosshair wasn't too worried to feed on him.

Something about Hunter's now is... a little different than it was earlier. It's a little sweeter now, which is weird, or... maybe it's not weird, considering that Hunter is calm right now. He was scared earlier – Crosshair felt it. (He loathes that he feels bad about that.)

"I see you've graduated from toothpicks to humans to vampires," Echo says dryly, and at the scent of blood, Crosshair feels how Echo's hunger kicks back up. Maybe he should've thought about that.

Crosshair growls at him anyway, because he's not going to stop to talk. He'd throw a toothpick at him right about now if it were feasible. And return with an equally snippy comment. But the smell and taste of Hunter's blood is too much to pull away from, even if he misses Echo and the playful bickering they used to have. Hunter is willing to give him this, even now, with the comfort and proximity that comes with it, and Crosshair can't let it go.

"Don't antagonize him," Hunter chides, despite sounding amused. "Let him rest."

"He's not resting," Echo grumbles, "He's eating you. Doesn't that bother you?"

Crosshair feels a flare of genuine amusement as Hunter laughs. "It's fine."

Some of the aching loneliness is fading as he feeds, slowly fading to the back of his mind, but Crosshair doesn't want to let up. It's soothing, and he misses Hunter so much. Or maybe it's the only thing that makes him feel somewhat in control and he needs that because he's been without them so long and...

There's an aching guilt twisting inside him now, and he's a bit too tired to even think about what that means.

"Crosshair," Hunter says finally, softly.

He makes a sound of acknowledgement, not pulling back.

"I... I'm sorry."

At that, Crosshair pulls back, albeit reluctantly. "For what?"

Hunter sighs, and Crosshair presses his hand to his side almost instinctively in what he hopes is comforting. Instead, their bond lights up with an aching pain that somehow feels physical. "For doing this to you. For making you this. It... isn't a choice I should've made for you."

"You're here now, aren't you?" Crosshair reminds, lowering his head again. The bleeding has slowed a lot from when it started, not that it was too deep in the first place. He should stop, probably, because Hunter said he was injured earlier and that's probably the reason for the aching pain Crosshair somehow feels through their bond. Being touched hurts, which means their contact hurts him, and long-buried instincts wake up, telling him to stop.

Crosshair starts pulling back, even if he doesn't want to, but Hunter's arm tightens around him a little, tugging him back down. "It's fine," he assures.

To be fair, Crosshair would've said the same thing in that place, if he was the one hurting, because they haven't been together in a month, and he misses Hunter so much.

He's still slightly reluctant, but relaxes, curling up around Hunter again and leans back down to lick the blood off his neck. It's bleeding much more sluggishly now, and he shifts a little, closing his eyes as exhaustion nags at him.

It feels like there's something Crosshair ought to say to him, and there's a strangely deep guilt gnawing at him. All that time, it felt like he was doing the right thing. That – that his brothers were wrong, and everything seemed so simple. Now that he's here with them again, that they've been making an obvious effort for him to fit in even if they're afraid, it's... different. Maybe it's just how worn out he is.

He doesn't really remember falling asleep, but Crosshair wakes up sometime later, still curled around Hunter, who's taken his hand somewhere during the night.

The first thing he becomes aware of is that Wrecker is next to them, close to them, and that...

Guilt crashes into him full-force – the first time it really has.

Crosshair shot him. He hurt him, he... Crosshair compelled him earlier, and while he wasn't going to hurt Hunter, it wasn't as though they knew that. Wrecker was panicking. He was terrified, and Crosshair just ignored that. He had him do it, because Hunter would've reacted otherwise, would've stopped him, could've attacked him, and all Crosshair had been able to think about was...

He was only thinking about himself, not them.

Wrecker stirs slightly, twisting over restlessly, despite how exhausted he must be.

Crosshair carefully pries his hand from Hunter's and reaches over, lightly brushing Wrecker's shoulder. Wrecker jolts to full wakefulness instantly, jerking back on instinct.

Crosshair pulls his hand back, stung. "Wrecker," he says, hopefully quiet enough that it won't awaken the others. They're just with each other, and they're used to the noise that comes with it, but... they're not in a safe place anymore, either. "I – I'm sorry."

Wrecker stares at him, surprise written all over his face. "Yeah," he says, blinking a few times, seeming more confused than anything else, and considering everything that's happened with them, that's fair. "Okay."

That does nothing to calm him. Crosshair lowers his head again, pressing his face to Hunter's neck. He's not so sure Wrecker believes him, and Crosshair can't blame him for it, either. It's just like he told Hunter earlier, that apologizing won't change what happened. Hunter twitches slightly, but doesn't wake, his breathing still calm and even.

He nearly jumps when Wrecker's hand touches his. Crosshair takes his hand, squeezing it lightly. It feels... he feels uncertain, undeserving.

After everything he did to them, he doesn't know if he can really fit back in, if they can just...

They've been through a lot, but they've never been taken from each other before. It's just never happened, and Crosshair doesn't even know how to start dealing with it.

He drifts off again, waking again to the quiet shuffling of his brothers. Echo and Tech are talking quietly. "... unsure if it will work," Tech is saying. He could be talking about anything, but Crosshair's first suspicion is that they're trying to find a way out.

He tenses, half expecting the familiar flare of anger to light up, but it doesn't. He's just... exhausted. Crosshair doesn't want to be here either, and it's the first time he's found himself thinking that. He doesn't want to stay with the thing that ordered him to hurt his brothers. He's still tired, but it's more of a bone-deep exhaustion and a lack of will to keep moving. It's... strange.

He's never felt like that before.

He wishes they'd... something. Just that they weren't here.

Beside him, Hunter's already awake. Crosshair can hear his heartbeat, far clearer than he ever has in the past. His senses are... different. Stronger.

He feels... different. He doesn't understand why and doesn't have the sense of mind to worry about it, either.

Wrecker's still sleeping, but he's rolled a bit away from them in the night, which is normal. He moves around a lot even in his sleep.

Crosshair pushes himself up, scooting away from Hunter a bit. He feels Hunter's eyes on him, but he doesn't look back. Hunter touches his shoulder, and the tug of their bond lights up a bit. He's worried. "You okay?"

He just feels lost. He wants to look to Hunter, as he always has, but somehow, Crosshair doesn't think Hunter knows what to do any more than he does.

"Do... you want to stay?" Crosshair asks finally.

Hunter glances past him, in Tech and Echo's directly, hovering briefly, before turning back. "You know our answer," he reminds, "We would never choose to stay with the Empire. We have to go back to the kid."

Crosshair looks away from him, from them, unable to look them in the eye. He feels... more like himself, and he doesn't really know what changed. The constant throbbing in his head is gone now, and his thoughts are... clearer. What's strangest of all is that he didn't notice before, not until right now, that it's just gone.

Hunter was right from the start when he told him that their staying wouldn't be of their own choice, and it wouldn't be real. Crosshair doesn't know if he entirely wants them to, anyway. He doesn't know what's happening to the clones, or what purpose they'll have after.

He doesn't know if it's safe for them here, either. Hunter certainly didn't think so, but running isn't... isn't much better. He wants to stay with them, but it's...

Complicated.

They left, and the anger he used to feel over that has disappeared entirely into a deep, gnawing hurt that won't lift or go away. It's not fair to be hurt by it, even, not when he's the one who was hurting them.

A twinge of hunger pulls at him. He fed on Hunter for a long time last night already, but there's a ridiculous part of him that wants to again. It's not overwhelming, but it's still there, and if he were presented with that option, he's not fully sure he'd be able to resist.

He turns away from them, tugging his knees to his chest and just... sits there for a few moments. An apology is hardly enough, but he owes them one, owes them something, at least. He forced them to leave Omega for him, and even if he doesn't see her as one of them, the others obviously do. And there's... so much else.

"I'm sorry," he offers, finally.

Echo and Tech twitch, looking at each other, and Tech's gaze flicks to Wrecker, who's sitting up now. Hunter's hand stays steadily on his shoulder. "You can leave with us," Hunter offers quietly, "It's... not something we need to decide right now."

He doesn't know what to say to it.

Wrecker's the one he actually shot, and they only sort of talked about it last night. Crosshair has no idea how to broach the topic to him, though. He's never had reason to apologize to Wrecker before. He doesn't even know how to start.

"Yeah," Wrecker agrees, "We'd still take ya." He looks almost hopeful, and Crosshair can't imagine refusing that. He doesn't want to, either. He wants to leave with them, but he doesn't know how to live any other life.

"We can't hide," Crosshair says finally, "They'd find us."

"We'll find a way to make it possible," Hunter replies.

Maybe, if they'd known, they could've waited on Kamino to make the Empire think they were dead, because they could theoretically hide if the Empire didn't even know to look for them. And maybe it's just that he's too afraid to try. Here, he'll know when they're safe, and they won't have to be hiding, and it seems so much easier.

Hunter doesn't think so, though, and Crosshair feels too tired to even try arguing that. Really, he wants to curl up in a ball and cry.

Wrecker moves closer, hovering awkwardly, a bit uncertainly. Crosshair feels the same way towards them, and he hates it. Because yes, they want him back, obviously, but that doesn't mean he knows how to... handle that. How to be with them again.

"Either way," Hunter replies, pulling back, straightening. "It doesn't matter right now. They'll expect us to try something, and sneaking off a Star Destroyer unnoticed will be impossible."

Crosshair feels a twinge of something, and it takes him a few moments to realize that it's hunger, and it's from Echo. Crosshair can feel the same from Wrecker, too, though it's different, and he looks relatively unperturbed by it. To be fair, Wrecker is always hungry, so it probably doesn't bother him.

Their bond must be... different, or linking over somehow, because the other three look to Echo instantly, too.

"Echo's transformation is incomplete," Tech interjects, "He may require... further feeding."

"No," Echo snaps immediately.

"Should you prefer to go feral again?" Tech snips back – he's clearly still upset. He doesn't get so hostile otherwise.

Echo outright snarls at him, already halfway there. He's often hot-tempered, but this is different, and it hurts to watch. Crosshair is the one who did this to him. He didn't ask him, and he was so certain at the time that it was the only way for them all to survive.

"It doesn't have to be much," Hunter interjects, "But Tech's right, Echo. The shift is hard at first."

Echo breathes out a frustrated hiss. "Alright," he snaps, "But I'm not draining anyone."

That is one thing Crosshair feels absolutely no regret over, even if Wrecker had taken it hard. Probably because it was an accident for him. Crosshair had done it intentionally, and probably, Tech had, too, at least partly.

"You don't have to," Crosshair throws back dryly.

"Not Hunter," Echo says immediately, "Crosshair already fed on him last night."

"I was going to suggest myself, or Crosshair," Tech replies, "Wrecker's turn is still recent, and he is perpetually hungry on his own."

After the nature of his previous conversation with Echo, Crosshair doesn't really want to be that close with Echo, not now.

Tech looks at him, then shrugs, standing and moving to Echo. He rolls up his sleeve and extends his arm to Echo, who just stares at it like its poison.

There's a moment of awkwardness before Crosshair scoffs. He can feel Echo's urge, his need, and he's still stubborn enough to try ignoring it. "Don't be a baby," Crosshair tells him, standing to get Hunter's knife and toss it to Tech. That solves all problems.

Tech takes it, slashing a gash in his wrist. It's not deep, but the scent of blood floods the room in a second and Crosshair hisses faintly as his own hunger swells up. Wrecker whines next to him. Echo dives forwards, unthinking, taking hold of Tech's wrist and presses his mouth to the gash.

... Mission accomplished.

Wrecker is staring at him now. Crosshair can feel that, and he entirely relates to it, too. "Fine," he agrees grudgingly, "But only if I get to bite you again."

"Deal," Wrecker agrees immediately, holding his arms out.

Crosshair climbs into his lap, and no, he does not care how stupidly childish that is. Not right now. Wrecker wraps him in a nearly crushing embrace instantly and Crosshair twists a little, cutting a light gash on Wrecker's neck with his fangs.

It's surface, not deep like when he bit Hunter last night, because he's being more careful now, and he's not nearly as desperate or hungry. He reaches to wrap an arm around him, sort of, but settles for just touching his shoulder, because Crosshair is sitting sideways, and the angle is much too awkward.

Wrecker's arm is wrapped around him, keeping them firmly pressed together, his other hand stroking his hand across Crosshair's arm.

It's soothing, relaxing, and their bond is looping back and forth now, swelling with contentment. The scent is overwhelming, but then, everything since his transformation has been. It's mildly annoying, but not enough to make him want to pull away.

If not for the circumstances last night, when he briefly fed on Hunter, it would've been this calming, too. He wants to do it again now, just to know if it could elicit the same reaction.

Crosshair snuggles impossibly closer, purring.

He... can do that?

It feels right, like the most reasonable way to show his contentment.

Wrecker freezes a moment, then slides his hand to Crosshair's back, purring right back as they snuggle closer.

The contact is so gentle and soothing and maybe it's just that it's Wrecker, and they've done so much together – they're usually together when they fight, in all their ceaseless bickering and competing. Wrecker is very... childlike, but they both are in their own ways, and they're equals in a way that Crosshair isn't with the others. Tech is, well, Tech, and he's a genius, and Hunter's their leader. Echo's their oldest, and everything with him is a bit different. It's true all the way around, though, because none of them have the exact same type of relationship, and it makes him wonder exactly what Omega has become to them.

... He kind of wishes she was here, actually.

Not that it matters right now.

There's a sort of high-pitched sound, and Crosshair takes a moment to realize that it's Tech purring. It's a high frequency, but it's sort of quiet and soft, too.

He pulls back, outright staring, because while he was very, very tempted to start purring last night when he fed on Hunter, when his brother was touching him so gently and soothingly, he didn't. And this is Tech. He's not affectionate like that.

Across from them, Echo is sort of curled around Tech's arm, and Hunter's sitting on his other side, arm draped loosely around his shoulders. It's not that they aren't physically affectionate with each other – it's just that it's never this extreme.

But to be fair, with the strange heaviness he's feeling somewhat lifted, he'd be purring, too, if he was that close with Hunter.

Wrecker tugs him close again, and Crosshair drops his head to his shoulder, trying not to think about how he shot him right there not so long ago. Back on Kamino, he...

He wants this, them, more than he needs to breathe, but he hurt them, too, and he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve to have them.

He picks up a sudden flare of longing from Wrecker and throws a warily uncertain glance his direction. "You good?" he asks.

Wrecker sighs. "I miss the kid."

Yesterday, he'd have had a snarky retort about how she isn't one of them, anyway, but he knows why they care about Omega so much. She had every reason to protest when he took her from them, but she didn't. She stayed strong, and she left, because it was what they needed. She was willing to sacrifice everything, herself, for them, when she could just as easily have protested it.

But she didn't, and he admires her for that. He likes her for that a bit, too. She cares about them, and that's not really something Crosshair, or any of them, have had from anyone else.

He picks up another flare of hunger from Wrecker and rolls up his sleeve. Echo and Tech seem to be managing it fine, and while he's not opposed to having someone feed on him the normal way, he's not about to let Wrecker that close to his neck. He shoves his arm at Wrecker who takes his hand, holding it gently for a moment before pulling it closer. Crosshair looks away again, unwilling to watch Wrecker bite him.

It stings sharply when Wrecker's fangs pierce his wrist, but he's being almost uncharacteristically gentle about it. With Omega around, he must've learned to be more careful. They've changed, but... so has he.

They have to find a way out of here, though. Somehow. Rampart had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want the entirety of Clone Force 99 earlier, before Bracca, and Crosshair can't trust that's changed. He can't believe that this isn't... something to get rid of them all, or that it won't become that, somewhere down the road.

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