John
The rest of the guys are still in the locker room getting dressed when I show up, and I start getting into uniform myself.
"Morning." Roy greets me. "Running a little behind, I see."
"Just got a late start." I respond casually. It's sort of true, but only because I ended up staying over at Neil's the night before and had to hurry home before I came in.
But Roy doesn't need to know that, especially since he's so freaked out by any mention of Neil.
He gives me a funny look as I change my shirt. "What?" I ask.
"You've got, uh, something right there." Roy points to his own collarbone.
I merely roll my eyes. "What, you don't remember what a hickey looks like?"
Roy sighs and shakes his head, closing his locker door. I finish dressing and tuck my shirt into my pants on my way to the day room for roll call.
After a quick briefing with C shift's paramedic team and our own roll call, Roy and I both start toward the coffee pot. I pick a pair of mugs from the cabinet while Roy fills them.
"Joanne wants you to come over this weekend." Roy tells me.
"Depends on when." I reply. "Kind of have my own plans."
Roy gives me a sideways glance before nodding. "Well, hey, maybe some other time."
"I can make the time." I respond. "I just need to know when."
"I'll talk to Joanne and get back to you." Roy answers.
"Does she know I'm, uh, seeing someone?"
Roy looks thoughtful for a moment. "I've mentioned it. Didn't tell her who. You know how she is."
"And I know how you are, too." The words fly out before I can stop them.
Roy looks over at me, baffled. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, forget it." I quickly reply. "Doesn't matter."
The tones go off, and we drop the conversation to answer the call. It turns out to be a relatively minor call, but we still have to accompany the patient to Rampart. Roy rides along while I follow in the squad.
Once at Rampart, I take the opportunity to restock. I run into a couple other paramedics, making idle chatter while I fill out the form.
Soon enough, it's my turn, and I hand Neil the form. He takes it with a slight smile. "You have a little something right there." He points to his collarbone.
"Yeah, I know." I reply. "Roy already pointed it out."
"Oh." Neil frowns ever so slightly as he pulls supplies.
"It's not a big deal." I tell him.
"If you say so." Neil returns with a full box, looking around before he continues. "Are we still on for Nicholas's birthday party?"
"As far as I know." I reply. "Roy said something about his wife wanting me to come over this weekend, but nothing's set yet."
"Okay." Neil nods at that. "You know the location changed, right?"
"Yeah, I know."
Neil frowns ever so slightly. "I know you don't care for bars. You don't have to go if you don't want to."
"You're not getting rid of me that easily." I try to sound casual. "I'll be there."
Neil's expression smooths out, and I think I detect a hint of a smile. I can't help but feel a little relieved.
He leans toward me, our fingers brushing as I pick up the box. "I'm definitely not trying to get rid of you."
Relief turns to something else completely, something else I can't define. "I wasn't worried."
Neil arches an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"
I scoff as I pick up the box. "Sure, I'm sure."
Neil smiles a little more at that, and God, it just about undoes me. I don't know what it is about the man that does it to me, but it's a feeling I don't want to lose.
"Johnny." Roy's voice jolts me out of my thoughts, and I leave Neil with a quick nod as I hurry to catch up with Roy.
We climb into the squad, and without another call forthcoming, we start back toward the station. Roy backs the squad into the bay and shuts off the engine.
"What was that crack you made earlier?" Roy asks as I have my hand on the door handle.
I'd nearly forgotten. "What do you mean?"
"'And I know how you are, too.'" Roy replies. "What did you mean by that?"
I take in a breath and let it out, regretting my tendency to shoot off at the mouth. "You know exactly what I mean. Every time I say anything about Neil, you get all weird about it, like there's something wrong with it."
Roy's hand rests on the steering wheel, and seems to stare intently at that hand, his expression turning more serious. "You know people talk, right?"
"Sure." I shrug. "So what?"
Roy lets out a heavy sigh. "I know there have been rumors about you and your…proclivities for a long time. I've always been able to brush them off because you've never been serious about anyone."
I want to tell him that I don't think I'm all that serious about Neil, but the way things are headed, I'm not sure that's entirely true. "Don't know that I am serious about him yet, but I know I like him. I like spending time with him. I like being with him. And he seems to like being with me, too."
"Dammit, Johnny." Roy lets out a huff. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
That hurts. "Nothing's wrong with me, Roy. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean anything's wrong with me."
Roy shakes his head. "Don't worry about coming over this weekend. Not sure it's a good idea. You know, with the kids and everything."
It takes a moment for his words to sink in. Is he saying what I think he's saying? "So, what, I'm not allowed to come over anymore? Is that it?"
"It's nothing personal." Roy answers quietly. "Please don't take it that way."
"How can I not?" I demand. "You're telling me I can't be around your kids because you can't deal with me being with a guy. Sounds pretty goddamn personal to me."
"You don't understand." Roy replies sharply.
"I understand perfectly." I reply with equal sharpness. "You don't need to explain any further."
I open the door with a little more force than usual and hop down from the squad, slamming the door shut behind me. I can't help but feel betrayed. I thought Roy and I were more than partners. I thought we were friends, almost family.
I didn't realize that friendship came with conditions until now.
I cross the bay and enter the day room, ignoring the puzzled looks of the rest of the crew. They'll figure out soon enough that something's wrong. No need for me to explain.
Roy isn't far behind, and I can feel everyone's eyes on us as we each get a cup of coffee and join the crew at the table.
"Bad run?" Chet offers.
I give Roy a look before responding. "Nope. Perfectly normal run. Wouldn't you say, Roy?"
Roy gives me a sideways look, his cup paused halfway to his mouth. "Right. Perfectly normal run."
Chet's eyes flick between me and Roy, and I can almost see the wheels turning in his head. Finally, his eyebrows shoot up. "Lovers' quarrel?"
"Shut up, Chet." Roy and I answer in unison as the rest of the crew snickers.
Chet leans back in his chair, his hands raised. "Look, I don't know what you two do out there in the squad."
I finish my coffee and set my mug on the table, figuring now is as good a time as any to set things straight, as it were. "I'm spending time with the supply nurse at Rampart and Roy's being uptight about it."
"What's wrong with that?" Marco asks.
"The supply nurse is a guy." Roy breaks in.
The room falls absolutely silent as the rest of the crew absorbs the information. Finally, Chet breaks the silence. "I don't know how to tell you this Roy, but Johnny, uh, being with guys isn't exactly breaking news."
Roy doesn't respond, which for some reason only pisses me off more. "You're not going to tell them the rest of it? How you don't want me around your kids anymore?"
"That's not what I said." Roy replies sharply.
"That's exactly what you said!" I shoot back. "Jesus, Roy."
"Everything okay in here?" Cap pokes his head in the doorway.
"Mom and Dad are fighting." Chet replies lightly, gesturing toward me and Roy.
"Well, I'm sure whatever they're fighting about will blow over." Cap answers confidently as he crosses the room to get to the coffee pot.
I'm not so sure that it will.
Neil
I pull up to John's apartment house to pick him up for Nicholas's party. I know how John feels about bars, so I'm pleasantly surprised that he still wants to go.
I climb the steps that lead to his apartment and knock on the door. I've only been here a few times in the time we've been seeing each other, but never for very long. We don't usually spend the night at each other's places, the other night after painting being a notable exception.
I could say it was mostly because neither one of us felt much like moving after a long day of painting, but I'm not sure that was the case. I didn't have it in me to question John's motives for staying. I certainly didn't object.
Of course, it would have been better had he not awakened in a panic the next morning, already running late for work.
The door opens, snapping me out of my thoughts, and Johnny is suddenly in the doorway. He's dressed in a plaid shirt tucked into jeans, his hair tidy for a change.
There are times when he truly does take my breath away. This is one of them, and I have to resist the urge to mess up his hair.
He smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Something's bothering him, and at some point, I'm sure he'll tell me about it. "Hey. Come on in."
I enter and close the door behind me, and John immediately pulls me in with a hand at the small of my back, and he leans down to capture my mouth with his. As it deepens, an unfamiliar scent fills my nose, but something that somehow suits him.
I manage to pull away, placing a hand on his chest. "God, you smell good." I murmur, seeking out that spot on his collarbone that I know drives him nuts.
John inhales sharply at the move, his hands sliding up my back before he lets out a soft sigh. Finally, he finds his voice again. "Figured I'd try to clean up a little more to meet your friends. Your other friends, I mean."
"You didn't have to do that." But God, I'm glad he did. Although our chances of getting out of the apartment today are getting smaller with every moment.
"I wanted to." John responds quietly.
Something in the tone of his voice makes me break away to look up at him. "Something's wrong."
"I don't wanna talk about it." He answers, dropping one more quick kiss on my lips. "Suppose we should get going."
We finally manage to leave the apartment and get into my car, and John pulls out his aviators, sliding them on to his face. He's remarkably quiet all the way to the bar, mostly just staring out the window as I drive.
I won't get anywhere badgering him, I already know that. At best I'll be met with a scowl if I try.
With any luck, he'll relax once we get in there and he starts talking to people.
I find a place to park, and we make our way to the bar. It's well-hidden, the kind of place you can only find if you know what you're looking for. I open the door and am immediately assaulted by loud dance music and a cacophony of voices.
"Hi!" Nicholas greets me by sweeping me into a tight hug, kissing my cheek. "I'm so glad you made it."
He looks John up and down, a broad smile lighting his face. "And you brought me a present. How sweet are you?"
I can't help laughing at that, though I can't quite tell how John is reacting. He hasn't bolted for the door yet, so I assume he's okay. "Hi, Nicholas. This is John. John, the birthday boy himself, Nicholas."
Nicholas extends a hand to John, and John easily accepts. "It's wonderful to finally meet you. You're practically all this man has been talking about for weeks."
I hear John chuckle in response. "Nice to meet you, too. Happy birthday."
Nicholas turns to me. "What a sweetheart. Go on, the bar's open. Go get yourself some drinks."
I start toward the bar, John following close behind with a hand on my hip. We work our way through the crowd, and I introduce John to everyone I run into, trying to answer everyone's questions.
John, for his part, seems to be taking it well, easily falling into conversation with everyone as they pass through, and his mood from earlier seems to have passed.
I soon lose track of him, but then I spot him across the room, deep in conversation with someone I vaguely recognize. Whatever the subject matter is clearly has John excited. His face is animated, his arms waving wildly to emphasize whatever point he's making.
"Well, he seems to fit right in, doesn't he?" Barry is suddenly behind me, startling me.
I turn to face him. "It certainly seems that way."
Barry lets out a soft snort. "Is he aware who he's talking to?"
"I doubt it matters to him."
Barry touches my shoulder and starts over to where John and the other man are talking. I can see John's expression change almost immediately, a frown flashing over his face as he backs away slightly, nodding as Barry appears to take over the conversation.
I'm baffled and irritated. What purpose does it serve for Barry to butt in? It seems to me he only wants to make a fool of John, and I won't stand for that.
John starts to make his way across the bar, occasionally stopping to talk to people. Somewhere along the way he's picked up another drink, and he finally makes his way back over to me, that damned crooked grin on his face.
He pulls me in with an arm around my waist, moving with the music, his lips brushing my neck, his tongue flicking out.
I rest a hand on his hip as he continues up my neck and along my jawline until his mouth finds mine. He tastes sweet and spicy, and I want nothing more than to get him out of here and take him home with me.
He finally pulls away with a sigh, looking down at me, clearly more than a little tipsy. I can't help laughing a little at his expression. "Having a good time?" I ask him.
"Yeah." John nods. "Had a good chat with that doctor friend of yours. Got to talking photography and stuff. Was going good until that one friend of yours butted in."
"Barry." I sigh.
"Yeah, him." John responds. "You know, I don't think he likes me. Think he's trying to run me off. Some of your other friends are pretty cool, though."
"That's good." I reply.
John's expression turns serious as he takes another drink before looking down at me. "You know something?"
"I know lots of things."
John smiles ever so slightly before leaning in closer. "I think I might be in love with you."
That catches me completely off guard, but I try to cover it. "Oh, you think so?"
John nods. "Yeah. And I know it sounds crazy. Believe me, I know. I've kinda got a reputation, you know?"
"I know."
"But you…you make me feel stuff. Stuff I haven't felt with anyone else. Men, women, whatever."
I know his words are heartfelt, but the way he expresses himself amuses me to no end.
John catches me and scowls. "Dammit, Neil. I'm pouring my heart out and you're just laughing at me."
He starts to pull away before I stop him, placing a hand on each side of his face. "I promise you that I'm not laughing at you. You just…have a way with words. That's all."
John shakes his head. "Just forget I said anything, okay? Forget it."
"I will not." I tell him firmly.
He pulls back, finishing his drink and setting the glass on a nearby table before wrapping his other arm around me. "You know there's folks that don't think we should be together, right?"
"Oh, believe me, I know." Barry has been the loudest voice regarding John, but not the only one. A couple of my other friends have expressed similar concerns, for similar reasons.
"You know what Roy told me the other day?" John continues. "Told me he doesn't want me around his kids. You know, unless things change."
And there it is, the thing that was bothering John so much earlier. "John…"
"No." John cuts me off. "I'm not…I'm not gonna give you up because of him. He can just get used to it. Or not. I don't know."
This feels wrong. John's talked about how close he and Roy are. I can't allow this thing between us to fracture such a long-standing partnership and friendship. "And what if he doesn't get used to it?"
John doesn't answer that, his eyes downcast. I can only imagine the hurt he's feeling right now. "I'll tell you what? Why don't we give him time? Maybe if he sees that you're serious, he'll come around."
John's eyes meet mine. "I am serious."
Across the bar, someone starts a chorus of 'Happy Birthday'. We both turn toward the sound, joining in. Afterward, Nicholas climbs on top of the bar, obviously inebriated himself.
"I am SO happy you're all here!" He calls out. "Thank you so much. You've made this an AMAZING birthday. And John, wherever the hell you are, bless you. You are a goddamn delight…and so goddamn pretty. My favorite present. Now someone get me down."
A wave of laughter sweeps across the bar at Nicholas's little speech, and I hear John mutter something behind me before he squeezes my shoulder, stroking with his thumb.
I lean against him, turning my head to look up at him. "Are you ready to go?"
"Only if you are."
I find my way over to Nicholas to say our goodbyes, and he wraps me up in a tight hug. "Leaving already?"
"I'm afraid so." I answer. "But we'll get together soon."
"We'd better." He replies before setting his sights on John. "And you'd better bring this handsome devil with you. John, sweetie, it was wonderful to meet you."
He catches John in a hug and kisses his cheek, clearly catching him by surprise. John seems to get over it quickly, responding with a one-armed hug of his own. "Hey, yeah. Another time for sure."
We finally leave the bar and return to my car. It's a fairly short drive back to John's apartment, but by the time we get there, John is leaning against the door frame, fast asleep.
"John." I gently shake him. "We're at your place."
He stirs and blinks, shifting in his seat before looking over at me. "You staying?"
Another surprise. "If you want me to."
John nods, and we both step out of the car and find our way up to his apartment. He fumbles with his keys until I take over and let us in.
As soon as we get inside, John's all over me, pushing me toward his bedroom, tugging at my shirt and fumbling at the buttons. He's rough and sloppy, but I don't want him to stop.
It isn't long before everything is stripped away and I'm on my back in John's bed, with John straddling me, launching an all-out assault on my body and my senses with hands and mouth.
I wince a little when I feel teeth, stroking the top of his head. "Take it easy."
"Sorry." John picks up right where he left off, slowing down slightly, obvious more mindful, and I let the sensation take over, riding it out until I relax completely, sinking into the mattress.
John soon joins me, pressing up against me and slinging an arm and a leg over me, nuzzling my neck. "I meant what I said."
I rest a hand on his arm. "I know. Go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow."
I lay awake for a while, listening as John's breathing evens out into a soft snore. I have to believe this will all work out, somehow.
I don't want to consider the alternative.
