Guest 1: Thank you so much for your feedback! I hope you like this rewrite. I definitely made some much-needed tweaks.
Jaded orbs: Wow! I haven't heard that song in a while. Since you mentioned it I've had it on loop. It was an inspiration for the rewrite. Hope you enjoy it.
Aethelfraed: Thank you very much for your kind words! I always wish we got more Uncle Henry- he interests me a lot as a character. So far as Rhett is concerned, I'm not so sure her ever does forgive himself for what's to come.
Newreader2022: As an author you gave me such a huge compliment, thank you. Writing the last chapter (and this one too who am I kidding) was very painful but I was hoping that the art could be seen through that pain. Hopefully, you enjoy this chapter too. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Guest 2: Oh, thank you! I love communicating with my readers. You're all so wonderful and give great constructive feedback when there's something not right. Your favorite chapter is the next one then, but I hope you enjoy this one too!
Truckee Gal: Yes, I believe that Uncle Henry having to care for his sister is the reason he never married. I like to believe that's why he can be so gentle with poor Scarlett. He will be an important figure to come as well.
Lescarlett: Thank you so much- I hope you enjoy this chapter as well. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Breakfastattiffanygs: Weekly dose of angst coming up! Enjoy!
Chapter Eight
Scarlett toyed with the edge of the envelope in her lap for so long that the oils of her fingers worked a tiny hole into its left corner. For hours she had focused all of her energy on acknowledging the presence of that little corner to center herself in her surroundings. It was not working.
It had been just over a week since Uncle Henry had first called to discuss her divorce but the time between his visit and this moment seemed to stretch on for an eternity. Sweet Henry had called every day to discuss her impending meeting with Rhett's lawyer. He had helped her assess her finances, practiced with her what to say, and was a true confidant to her in a time when she needed kindness.
Upon reviewing her assets, Scarlett realized she had more than enough money to live off of the sale of her lumber business. She did not need Rhett's financial help if she did not want it, and she keenly did not. She wanted to break clean from Rhett. She wanted to give him the option to sever ties with her completely. Henry helped her draft a proposal to sell the Peachtree Street house and give all proceeds to her husband. She would take nothing. She would walk quietly from his life in devastated acquiescence in the hope that someday she might cross his mind and he might think of her with fondness instead of revulsion.
Henry additionally helped Scarlett establish monthly payments to her sister, Suellen, to help care for Wade and Ella while Scarlett took time to mourn the termination of her marriage. She allotted six months worth of funding while she handled the legal separation from her Rhett. She knew she was in no position to mother her children, but she would do everything in her power to provide for them monetarily while she rebuilt her life and resolve. Finally, Henry promised her that he would accompany her to Columbia, South Carolina but a few days before she was set to make the trip, she politely but forcefully declined his company.
During her many sleepless nights Scarlett had come to the realization that there was always more than just two people in her marriage: she was infatuated with Ashley, Rhett had a number of extramarital affairs, the Old Guard of Atlanta consistently had the topic of their marriage in their mouths, Melanie had interceded consistently on both of their behalves- the list went on. She could not remember a single moment when her marriage had consisted of just the two of them. She vowed that she would handle the final moments of their union the way it should have started: between man and wife. She would not allow any more people into their scorched marriage bed.
So she took the train to Augusta alone. There she picked up the South Carolina Rail Road to Columbia where she met with Rhett's lawyer, William Ahlborn, in secret and without representation. The meeting lasted less than an hour and ended with a signed letter to provide to her husband stating that the documentation in question was legal and valid as well as a promise from Ahlborn that he would not alert Rhett of her visit.
That visit was three days ago and Scarlett had no reason to suspect that Mr. Ahlborn had withheld the end of his promise. She had begged him to keep her secret through her repressed tears. He accepted at the time, but she was under no pretenses. She was not his client. He owed her no loyalties and yet when she arrived at her mother in-laws' doorstep Scarlett was met with genuine surprise. Scarlett thought that the lawyer must have taken pity on her. She had broken down in tears at the end of their meeting which made the brusque, graying man obviously uncomfortable. Eleanor Butler had been courteous enough to attempt to mask her confusion and surprise, but Rhett had not been so gracious.
Eleanor saw the tragic nature of her daughter-in-law. Scarlett, always a thin woman, was disproportionately skeletal. Her skin stretched like wet wax paper over her joints. Her bright, green eyes had sunk deep within her once pretty face. This was not the woman she had come to know through her son's stories. She was no vixen with plans to ruin him. She was a doe, shot and left to slowly bleed out by a hunter no longer willing to carry its weight. Eleanor had taken mercy on the poor creature and kindly ushered Scarlett into a small sitting room near the front of her home returning with tea and a soft smile. Her son was out, she said, but he would be returning home momentarily.
An hour had passed. Scarlett watched the hands on a nearby clock: tick, tick, and tick. When she could no longer stand to watch the slow march of seconds, she turned her attention to the steaming tea. She watched it cool until it became bitterly cold without taking a single sip. The silence of the tiny room settled around her like an unwanted shroud and she found numbness tugging at the corners of her frayed mind, retreating soundlessly into dissociation. It had been a week since she had had any laudanum, but she craved it every moment of every day. She had determined that she would face Rhett sober and clear headed, but she had not expected that the opium withdrawal would be so severe. She trembled constantly though she was not cold, her head throbbed, and she felt herself frequently fighting the urge to slip into that detached numbness she began to know so well.
It was staring numbly at her tea, working the left corner of an envelope that Rhett found her. She barely had time to comprehend the brief, heated conversation on the opposite end of the door before it was opened unceremoniously. The suddenness in which the settled quiet had been interrupted startled Scarlett and she stood with a start, the letter tumbling from her hands to the floor.
The sight on him made her breath catch in her throat.
Rhett stood rigid, one hand clenched so tightly over the door handle that his knuckles blued. His dark eyes were blazing and the muscle in his jaw tightened at seeing her. He seemed taller than she remembered, but she could not tell if it was due to her fear of him in that moment or that she allowed herself to wither in his absence. It struck her then that he looked as if he were composed of all jagged angles. She wondered, briefly, if she would cut herself if she reached out to touch him.
"Scarlett," Rhett said dangerously, closing the door behind him slowly, controlled. "To what do we owe this fine pleasure?" The words dripped from his tongue like acid, corroding the space between them. "I thought I made it abundantly clear that all correspondence was to go through William."
Scarlett nodded slowly, unable to manage words. Her tongue seemed too slick in her mouth. She felt heavy all of a sudden- too heavy to keep herself standing. She glanced down at her quivering hands and noticed the large envelope. She reached down gingerly to retrieve it. When she stood back up, she pressed the papers to her stomach unintentionally using it as a makeshift shield. She glanced back up to meet his gaze and she realized that he had closed some of the distance between them. She could smell his aftershave. The scent rose an emotion in her she was not ready to process. Scarlett swallowed hard and averted her gaze trying desperately to breathe through the longing in her heart.
"So, you acknowledge that I requested all interaction go through my lawyer and yet you are here." A mocking smile toyed at the edges of his lips.
"Yes," Scarlett croaked, clearing her throat in the process.
"Ah, she speaks!"
Scarlett ignored the remark and continued. She was discouraged to hear that she sounded so weak. Her voice barely broke above a whisper, but she pressed on determined. "I thought of sending you a letter to tell you I was planning on calling, but thought better of it. I thought that if I warned you of my coming that you would turn me away."
"I would have."
Scarlett took a slow, steady breath in through her nose and released it out through her mouth. She had expected this; she knew that if Rhett's lawyer kept his promise that Rhett would be angry with her. She reminded herself that she deserved his ire however it manifested. She would allow him to use her for verbal sparring. Nothing he said was any different from how she felt herself. She turned slightly to place the envelope on the large table in the center of the room. She ran her finger across the sachet absentmindedly, trying to steel her resolve.
"You still have yet to answer my question, Scarlett. Why have you come here unannounced?"
"I met with your lawyer a few days ago and wanted to come to discuss some final things in person. I assumed you would not take my letters, and rightfully so. This was the only way I could think of to have a conversation." She turned to face him. "I apologize for catching you unawares, Rhett. I hope you can see that it is not my intention to fight with you or make you feel as if I am ensnaring you in any way. I knew what I was doing and I knew you would be cross with me, but I just ask for one conversation. You owe me that."
"Cross does not begin to cover it, Scarlett, dear. You met with my lawyer without my consent?" Though his voice was full of a sardonic calm, his eyes betrayed him. Antagonism surged in his eyes, uncontrolled. His left hand twitched at his side and he jammed it abruptly into his trouser pocket. He raked his right hand down his face, trying to compose himself. "You had no right to go to William. I do not owe you anything."
A dull flicker of anger flared in Scarlett's breast. She cocked her head to the side and furrowed her brows. "I had no right? Rhett, you wouldn't answer any of my letters. I wrote to you often and begged you to please listen to me. You forced all correspondence through Mr. Ahlborn and yet I have no right? You forced my hand. What was I to do? I had no other choice. In regards to owing me a final conversation, perhaps you're right. I supposed technically, you do not owe me anything, but we have known each other for twelve years. That is nearly half my life. You have been many things to me, Rhett. I may not deserve it, but as someone you once cared for I would appreciate your time and honesty."
Rhett straightened; she could tell he was considering her words closely. "Final, is it? What is your hidden agenda, Scarlett? I have never known you to be anything but vampiric."
"Please, do not be cruel. Not now. I told you I am not here to fight with you. I know you anger is undoubtedly warranted, but I… Rhett, I'm not wholly sure I could manage it."
Scarlett finally turned her face up to meet his eyes and he stilled. His head rocked back almost imperceptibly as if to examine her. She searched his gaze trying to find even a semblance of the way he used to look at her, but there was nothing. He had composed himself just enough that had she not known better she would have never believed him to be angry. Only the gentle curve of a frown line forming at the bridge of his nose gave his true feelings away.
A long moment passed between them like this. They both stood inspecting each other. Neither was willing to break the silence, nor were they particularly eager to end it. When Scarlett could bear the stillness no longer she cleared her throat and asked, "Would you care for a drink with me, Rhett?"
He raised an eyebrow, "Are you offering me a drink in my mother's home or are you asking for one?"
Scarlett shrugged slightly, her rounded shoulders trembling with the effort. "Asking I suppose. I think it might be easier to start this conversation after a drink, don't you?"
He let out a low grunt, nodding curtly once. He turned and exited the room for a brief moment before returning with a full decanter and two glasses. Rhett uncorked the bottle and the bitter, acerbic smell reminded her of laudanum. Scarlett's mouth watered in anticipation.
"We both know you're no stranger to whiskey." She nodded as he handed her a crystal glass two fingers deep of amber liquid. She accepted it with shaky hands. He held the glass up to his nose and breathed in deeply, closing his eyes. When he opened again them he inclined the glass towards her in a morose toast. She returned the gesture and in one swift motion brought the glass to her lips and swallowed the contents of her glass.
Rhett's eyebrows shot up in surprise as he watched her. His glass still held mid air, he tilted his head to the side as if in understanding and brought his own glass to his lips to follow suit.
She handed her empty glass back to Rhett and he filled it a second time. This time he watched her closely as she swallowed the amber liquid in one mouthful. Her hands seemed to still with each shot, but her eyes seemed to glaze over hard. He emptied his second glass, observing her the entire time.
Scarlett offered the glass to Rhett for a third time. He narrowed his brows, "A bit hasty, aren't you?"
"You know I am more than capable of holding my liquor, Rhett." When he did not move to refill her glass, she sighed and took the decenter from him unsteadily. She poured a third glass for the both of them before stopping it and placing the crystal vessel gingerly next to her sachet. "I would like to have something to occupy my hands, if nothing else." She motioned for him to take a seat at the table with her. He obliged with a taunting smile.
They settled into a silence stretched between them like an endless desert. On many sleepless nights Scarlett had longed to see her husband and yet here he was. Except now, even before her, he felt just as unattainable as when she dreamed him. Whiskey had smoothed the corners of his pinched, narrowed gaze, but not enough to make her feel any less alien in this space. He was only an arms length away, but every angle of his body made her aware of the distance between them.
"You look terrible," he said lightly, bitingly, shattering the silence around them. His words stung, sinking deep into her skin as she pulled herself from her musings. He caught her glance and kept it as if to challenge her.
"I thought we agreed to be kind to one another. I promise I am not here to be cruel or convince you to change your mind."
"We both know what your promises are worth, Scarlett." He leaned forward in his chair as if ready to pounce. She could tell he was uncomfortable. His right hand clung to his tumbler; his left lay rigid on his thigh. He leaned into his words, knowing full well their effects.
Scarlett reached out almost reflexively to touch his left hand, but before she could stop herself he straightened in his chair and pulled his hand away from her, higher up his thigh. Scarlett let her hand hover in mid air for a brief moment before letting it fall limply into her lap. "I want to apologize, Rhett- for everything. I know that the main reason our marriage is ending is because of me. I just…"
"Ever so much the martyr, my dear. Have you come all this way to make me feel sorry for you?" Rhett interjected, taking another mouthful of whiskey.
"Let me finish. I am going to give you what you want, Rhett." Scarlett said quietly taking a sip of her drink to calm her nerves. She had started to feel the effects of the two shots she had consumed in quick succession. They anesthetized her, but in a way that bordered on pleasurable. The numbness of drink was much different to the numbness of her constant mental state. In the bottle she could feel the weightlessness of her limbs; this numb felt normal. The dissociated haze of her sleepless days unnerved her, but here three drinks in she felt like she could breathe into her emotions. "Please let me apologize."
When Rhett said nothing, Scarlett took in a shaky breath and continued; "I know that the dissolution of our marriage weighs heavily on my shoulders. I knew many years ago that I did not love Ashley, but I blindly held onto that childish fantasy of him. He was the closest thing to my old life before the war and I was bitter. I was bitter that the war stole my youth, my family, my friends, my entire view of my world. I was broken by that war, Rhett. My family dead or dying, my child starving, watching my entire life wither away and die between my fingers was traumatizing. I wanted to forget. I wanted to go back to that time before there was ever any violence and death. I loved something that never existed. I was not ready to grow up and so I stunted myself. I thought I was doing the best thing for me, but in reality I hurt everyone around me. I know that now."
Rhett watched her empty the contents of her glass and pour herself a shaky fourth. "What made you come to this realization?"
"You left, the children wanted to stay at Tara, Melanie died: I was quite alone. When you spend as many nights alone as I did you come to see yourself for what you really are. I was a child and I did nothing but manipulate and wound everyone that loved me. I can never apologize to some of those people, but I can to you. I am sorry, Rhett. I am so sorry," her voice hitched on the last syllable. Scarlett swallowed hard and before she could stop them, the words tumbled from her mouth. "But you have to know how much I loved you."
He started, taking another sip of his drink. His nostrils flared and she could hear the slow exhale of his breath. She regretted those words they moment they had slipped between her teeth, but the truth was laid before them and there was no going back.
"Don't say that, Scarlett. It changes nothing."
She nodded her own heart aching inside her breast, "I don't expect it to, but it is true. I knew I was no longer in love with Ashley, but by the time I figured it out you had been so cruel for so long. I don't think I knew how to love anyone let alone you at that point." He let out a hard breath, bristling. "That came out wrong. What I mean to say is that we had confused love and violence for so long that I did not understand how to love you in the way you should have been loved. You kept running to Belle Watling and leaving me when things became too difficult. I suppose I started to resent you for that which bred a particularly confusing kind of affection."
She glanced up from her hands and caught him staring. She held the gaze for a long moment before a hiccup escaped her lips. She felt warmth spread across her cheeks as she reached up and pressed the back of her hand to her mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm starting to feel this whiskey."
He nodded, "I can tell." He reached out to take the glass from her but she pulled back shaking her head. "Why don't you slow down, Scarlett. I have a strong feeling that this confession is predominantly alcohol."
"It's not. I've wanted to tell you for a long time now. Besides, I think the whiskey is the only thing keeping you here with me."
He poured himself a fifth glass and began nursing it, running his long index finger over the lip of the glass. "You're not altogether incorrect. I've always thought you to be more tolerable when I'm drunk."
Uncomfortable stillness fell between them again. Rhett watched her warily, his eyes barely blinking. His gaze made Scarlett uneasy and she dropped her eyes to her lap. She began toying with a fraying string on her skirt, but she could still feel his eyes boring into her. Her mind leapt from one thought to the next, trying to form a complete sentence. She took a sip of her whiskey and found the first question on the tip of her tongue.
"Why did you run to Belle so often? Did you love her?"
"No, I did not love her. She was easy," he said, taking another drink. "She has and always will be a dear friend from my past. If we're being honest with each other, my pet, she was easy and she desired me at a time when my wife could not bear the sight of me, would not let me touch her. There's something to be said for being wanted, Scarlett."
"I wanted you."
He let out a sharp, stinging laugh that sounded more bark than joy. "You've never desired me a day in your life," he said. "Besides, I did not have to marry her to have her."
"Did you love me?" Scarlett asked quietly, averting her eyes and studying her whiskey with the upmost intent.
"What a ridiculous question to ask, Scarlett."
She shook her head slowly, bringing her eyes up to meet his once more. "No, it's not ridiculous. You have never once told me you loved me."
Rhett placed his glass on the table adjacent to him and tilted his head to study her, his eyes narrowing. The corner of his lips twitched, "And should I have? You were always rather unwavering in your affections for Mr. Wilkes. If I recall on several occasions you even went so far as to call out the fact that you did not love me. While I can appreciate your… candor, I was never one of your young beaus. I was never going to fall at your feet just because you wanted the attention. Yet, I made a fool of myself for a woman nonetheless."
He picked up his glass roughly and consumed the remainder of the contents, pouring himself another. Rhett could feel the loosening of his tongue and knew he would regret his words as soon as he spoke them. "Of course I loved you, Scarlett. I loved you to madness but 'this love I feel, I feel no love in this.' My previous regard for you changes nothing about our current situation. We were never right for one another and we caused nothing but pain in our wake."
"I'm not arguing that, Rhett. I'll take the blame for our marriage, I will, but there were times you hurt me more than you realized. I think that you leaving and confiding in Belle so often had a hand in the dissolution of our marriage just as much as my Ashley affliction. You may not want to believe me, but there were so many times I felt love for you, but you mocked me and went right to Belle. I began the cycle by pushing you away, but we only perpetuated it by not speaking to one another. I hurt you, you hurt me, and I wanted to make you feel it tenfold. I was a child though, Rhett. Part of you had to know that I was a child. I was only sixteen when I met you. I think, perhaps you will always think of me as a child."
There was no malice in her voice. She was far away, fading into her memories, the whiskey taking hold of her tongue and wringing her words dry. "Did you love me because I was malleable? I was headstrong but impressionable and I think sometimes you used that to your advantage. You were never one for reputation; I remember you once telling me you could live just fine without them if you had enough courage and a backbone. I had both and I followed you blindly because I trusted you. You were my friend, first and foremost and I let you lead. How could you not have known how much I cared for you? I threw everything away for you."
Finally, she turned her face towards him. Setting down her glass, she reached out for his hand. This time he let her take it. "I don't know when it began, Rhett. Maybe it was the first time we met in the library at Twelve Oaks, but you're right. We generated nothing but chaos. I'll take the blame for you, whatever you want that to mean, but I am not alone in destroying our marriage. I do not think we ever truly understood each other and that was the true crux of our demise.
"I wish I had taken the time to learn you, Rhett. If I had, maybe there would be a universe in which we were happy. I would give anything to be in that world now. You were the only constant in my life. A beacon of hope during every dark time, and soon you'll be gone. Not learning you will be the biggest regret of my life."
