Okay, since someone asked if I recycled Astral Heart, the answer is no. This is a completely different kettle of fish from that story. It, like an unfortunate large number of fics I had been writing are on MY laptop, while this is being written on one my cousin let me borrow.

Also, there will be a bromance with Dean and Gabriel over the pranks Regina puts Sam through. No pairings yet though.


Regina was the only one not wincing at the sound of the high pitched hum. Then again, she could hear words in that hum.

"Bloody hell. Whoever that was clearly doesn't know how to use a translation spell. I don't speak that language."

"What?" said Dean, wincing.

"Oh for heaven's sake, sit still," said Regina rolling her eyes. She pulled out...an eleven-inch stick? She said something in Latin, and suddenly Dean felt infinitely better.

"What was that?" he asked, amazed.

"Healing spell. Unlike most witches, I spent most of my free time learning new magic so I would never be caught flat footed again. And a good chunk of the ones I learned were healing spells. I'm a healer in all but oath, and that's just because I didn't feel like catering to their stupidity."

Dean snorted.

"Nice to have a doctor with us... Wait, where's Sam?"

"Captain Dumbass left. Unfortunately for him, I left a surprise if he went to find Ruby again."

"What did you do?"

"Oh, something he's already familiar with...with a little extra."

"What. Did. You. Do."

"Explosive diarrhea. I had it timed so the second he left the car to meet up with Ruby it would go off. Now that I have my body back, I can do more than just dump potions in his food and drink."

"I think I'm in love," said Dean.

"And while I was at it, I figured I'd enchant the car too. Not exactly legal, but I've never given a damn about the rules before anyway. Besides...this way I can make Ruby really suffer," said Regina.

"What did you do to Baby?" said Dean seriously.

"You mean before or after turning it into the magical equivalent of a tank with an expanded trunk for more weapons and leg room?"

Dean stared at her.

"What."

"I turned your car into a magical tank. Basically it can ram a hell hound and take only minimal damage, the glass is pretty much bullet proof, the frame can take twice the stress it could have before...and I might have added a mini fridge somewhere under the seat."

"Mini-fridge?" perked Dean.

"Mini-fridge. If I remember right, I put it under the back seat. The front may or may not have an extra weapons closet."

"That's it, you are officially way more useful than Ruby ever was. I would rather have a witch on our side than any stinking demon," said Dean.

"Which makes you infinitely smarter than your brother."

"I still find that hilarious. Sam's smarter than I am and almost became a lawyer," said Dean.

"Knowledge and Intelligence can go hand in hand, but sometimes common sense can trump both. In this case, you have the common sense not to trust a demon, let alone sleep with one. Your brother is an idiot because he follows Ruby around like a damn puppy."

"So how do we find him?"

"Follow the cursing. He'll probably figure out I was the one to hit him again. And if not, Ruby will be pissed enough he got her to leave an already 'dead' body."

"I can get why you were so pissed with Sam because he waited. But why are you so angry with her?"

Regina paused at the door. Her face was unusually blank.

"I'm surprised your brother never noticed, considering I was there when he first started sleeping with her, but I was a virgin when Ruby possessed me. I never had time to look for a boyfriend, and after the magical war in England I couldn't trust anyone that tried to date me. And to be honest, finding someone to eventually marry didn't seem all that important as cleaning up the mess my old headmaster left with his greater good bullshit."

Dean's wince spoke volumes. After hearing that, it was a miracle she hadn't tried to kill Sam with magic. If he had been a girl and had to endure that, he would have gone on a vengeful streak the likes God himself had never seen.

"Sam's lucky I have the patience of a saint and plan to take most of my fury out on that demon bitch."

"And once Ruby's dead?"

"I'll go after her handler. For some reason she never realized I was hanging around, outside of pretending to listen to Sam's bitching about my pranks on him. And neither did her handler Lilith."

Dean paused at the door.

"Hold up one goddamn minute. Did you just say Ruby's handler is Lilith?! As in the white-eyed bitch who sent HELLHOUNDS after my ass?!"

Regina gave him an odd look.

"Didn't you know? Lilith runs all the high ranking contracts, while the lesser ones usually fall under the prevue of some demon named Fergus Crowley. Annoying bastard but at least he has good taste in liquor."

"Go back to Lilith and Ruby are working together."

"Keep in mind I wouldn't have given a damn about Sam and never bothered to mention this to him. You, however, are infinitely less irritating. All I know is that Ruby has been making regular reports to someone she calls 'Lilith'. Reports on how much the 'corruption of the Vessel' has been going. Again, for some reason neither of them even noticed me, but I generally kept out of eyesight since I only had to maintain a minimum distance to keep the reapers from finding me."

"What's a vessel? Don't demons call us meat suits?"

"From what I've read, angels need to possess people too, only they at least keep them alive once they leave them. Someone possessed by an angel is called a vessel. The thing is that I have no idea why demons would be working to help an angel, or why an angel would want a corrupted vessel," said Regina.

Seeing his look, she shrugged.

"I did a lot of research on the supernatural once I realized I had the ability to astral walk. I just didn't count on human intervention or being stuck in an OBE for several months."

"OBE?"

"Out of Body Experience. Basically a soul that's gotten stuck outside the body. Generally reapers try to 'deal' with them since they have trouble distinguishing someone astral walking and an actual dead soul. It's also why I stuck around the bitch even while she was traipsing around in my body. If you maintain a minimum distance of your original body, the reapers either can't see you or figure you're a psychic on a stroll."

Regina shuddered for a moment.

"And don't get me started on the assholes that litter hell. Though on the plus side I did give my old headmaster and the bastard who killed my parents a piece of my mind. They won't be forgetting me for a long time."

"...Do I want to know what you did to them that makes it worse to be in hell?" asked Dean.

"Are you aware of who Barney is?"

"Yes."

"I sent Barney after Tom Riddle, who killed my parents and then sent Sailor Moon on my headmaster."

Dean choked.

"Why would that freak him out?"

"He's gay and he fully believed the 'power of love' would defeat the Dark Lord, despite the fact I had no idea what love was. Can you think of anything more annoying than having to listen to Sailor Moon go on and on about the power of love and friendship for eternity?"

"You are a cruel, evil woman. Remind me never to piss you off," said Dean impressed.

"Never sleep with a demon possessing my body then."

Dean was really, really liking this chick. Even if she was a few...well...several grades above what he usually had to look at, her personality appealed to him greatly. As did the tiny, almost not worth mentioning fact that she chose to prank the living hell out of his brother rather than automatically kill him for his part in allowing a demon to continue possessing her body. Even if she was a witch, she was actually useful.


When Dean caught up to Sam, his brother was firmly lodged on a random toilet looking very miserable. Dean couldn't find it in him to feel very sorry for him though.

"That's what you deserve, going back to that bitch," said Regina snidely.

Sam groaned.

"After spending so much time making your life hell, I made sure to tie that spell to you alone. If Dean here had been the driver, nothing would have happened."

Sam grimaced as his stomach made an angry noise.

Regina crossed her arms, completely unconcerned that Sam had his pants down.

"Have you learned your lesson about trusting Ruby, or should I just leave that prank curse on you until it's run it's course?"

Sam groaned. Regina gave him a temporary reprieve.

"Why do you keep cursing me? You got your body back didn't you?"

Regina gave him a flat look.

"Samuel, until I see that bitch Ruby dead at my feet, you're never getting rid of me. Even if I have to enlist the help of my cowardly patron to hold her still until I kill her," said Regina.

"Your cowardly patron?" repeated Dean.

"The Trickster god Loki. Accidentally helped a pair of twin summon him for prank ideas, and he took a liking to me. Though apparently it only worked because the only thing I had on hand to sacrifice was a triple layer chocolate cake."

Who knew Loki was a sugar nut of the highest order? In any event Regina made a point to 'sacrifice' whatever baked good she was in the mood to cook, but not eat. Needless to say the Pagan trickster loved her.

He was probably wondering what happened to her, since she tended to 'sacrifice' a baked good once a month at least.

"That reminds me...think Bobby would mind if I borrowed his oven and a small space to set up a sacrificial circle?"

"Okay the oven I can get, but why the circle?"

"Mostly to tell Loki I'm still alive, and possibly tempt his cowardly ass out of hiding. It's easier to send baked goods through the pagan channel than it is to have an owl deliver them...and he prefers cakes and other treats hot."

"...Pagan channel?"

"With the right circle you can literally deliver corpses, goods and letters to the gods you're trying to reach, and they find it less offensive than you summoning them directly," said Regina absentmindedly.

Dean sweatdropped.

"Why do you call your patron god a coward though? Wouldn't he smite you for it?"

"This is Loki, the biggest chicken I've ever met, literally."

And boy, he had been shocked when she told him why she specifically called him a 'chicken'. Apparently his wings weren't supposed to be seen, but at least she wasn't calling him an ostrich.


Gabriel (though he went by the name Loki usually), looked up from the random asshole he had under an illusion.

He knew that smell.

Perking up, he honed in on the scent of Regina's baked treats. Still, it was weird she hadn't sent any for four months. He had asked around, and she wasn't on one of her extended cases and she was a regular follower...next to the Weasley twins.

Savoring the chocolatey taste, Gabriel decided that perhaps it was past time to see what happened to her. Well that and he might be able to convince her to make extras to make up for missed 'sacrifices', as she jokingly called them.


Regina was putting up wards...among other things...around Bobby's house when she sensed it. The twins had always joked about how weird it was she was on the same wavelength as Loki himself.

Well, right after they got over their fan boy moment of realizing she had accidentally summoned said Trickster into their shop. Who knew you just needed sugar to summon a Trickster?

"What's up?" asked Dean, trying to look up anything and everything about angels.

"Loki's here," said Regina absentminded.

"Why would a Trickster show up?" asked Bobby.

"He was either in the area or wants me to make up for missing my usual delivery of sugary treats," said Regina. She grinned. "I'm betting it's the latter though. He was pretty addicted to them and sometimes made requests."

Whatever Dean would have said next was interrupted by Sam's enraged shout.

"YOU!"

"Okay, what is Dumbass so pissed off about now?" said Regina.

She refused to call him 'Sam' or even 'Sammy', but insisted on calling him Dumbass. Considering her reasoning for calling him that, Bobby and Dean weren't in any particular hurry to get her to stop. Sam had more or less earned an insulting nickname for the stunt he pulled.

So imagine his shock when Regina took one look at the man who had caught his attention, beamed, and promptly tackled the figure to the ground with a happy cry of "Loki!"

Loki, as it turned out, was the same Trickster who had stuck Sam in an endless loop of Dean dying.

"Ugh. Why do you reek of sulfur?"

Regina had an irritated look.

"Dumbass over here refused to exorcise a demon...who I plan to murder in a brutal and utterly horrifying fashion...that stole my body when some idiot maid found it in my hotel room slumped over and called the paramedics," said Regina annoyed.

"Oh. OH. So you were possessed?"

"And even thought Dumbass over here knew the body still had an owner...and I was haunting him pretty frequently...he refused to exorcise the bitch until his brother showed up."

Loki looked at Sam.

"Why do you call him a dumbass?"

"He slept with the demon possessing MY body and even drank the blood," she said sourly. Loki's expression turned dark.

"Any resemblance of remorse I might have felt about putting you through the Mystery Spot just went out the window," he stated. "Why are you still with the Winchesters then?"

"I plan on using Dumbass as bait so I can get my hands on Ruby. Though thanks to her I finally got over any lingering ideas of revenge against Dumbledore and Voldemort."

"I have to ask, what did you do?"

"I set Sailor Moon on Dumbledore and left Voldemort to endure a singing Barney on an never ending loop."

"That is evil. I like it," said Loki beaming.

"I know, right?" said Dean in absolute agreement.

"So it was Ruby that stole your body for a joyride?"

"And Dumbass has been falling for her bullshit hook, line, and sinker. Until he gets his head out of his ass and realizes she's deliberately using him, I'm not calling him by name or letting up on my pranks. He only got a temporary reprieve from the diarrhea hex because he still had the car keys and we needed to find out who brought Dean back."

"Knew there was a reason you're my favorite," said Loki.

"Question. If she calls you a chicken to your face, why haven't you smote her yet?" asked Dean.

"One, she bribes me with chocolate. And two, I don't want to draw heaven's attention on me for something as minor as an insulting nickname," said Loki instantly.

"Why would she bring heaven's attention to you?" asked Sam.

"She's the first magical Saint in over a fifteen hundred years since Merlin. And heaven tends to keep track of Saints, because the more noteworthy they are the more likely they become newly fledged angels," shrugged Loki.

"I have the patience of a saint, but I don't see how being a dark magic hunter qualifies me for it," said Regina.

"You've suffered most of your life without knowing what love is like, and yet you've never considered going after the ones responsible and killing them. That combined with your large amount of empathy and the fact you're more likely to resort to absolutely humiliating pranks rather than murder qualifies you," said Loki.

"There are worse fates than death. Just ask Dumbass," said Regina grinning evilly at Sam. He shuddered.

"Memories or details girl!" said Loki far too enthusiastically.

"Can we make it memories? I want to see if I can't scrounge up some ideas for the yearly Winchester prank war," said Dean. Sam groaned in horror. Regina laughed evilly.

"What is this, team up against Sam day?"

"Of course not," said Regina immediately. Sam turned to look at her. "That would mean we wouldn't be able to focus on pranking you for the rest of the week. Dean will have a day of his own if he ever does something to even remotely match your level of idiocy."

Dean and Loki's evil laughter at that statement did not help. At. All.