A camera flashed, and Jeremy tried not to flinch. He leaned into Jean. "It feels weird to be doing this," he whispered.

Jean kept most of the confusion out of his expression. "This was your idea," he murmured, patting the dirt down around the tomato plant they'd just stuck in the ground. "We've volunteered here before."

"Not that," said Jeremy quietly. "Just—the press. Making it into some kind of publicity stunt."

Jean shrugged and took a long drink from his new Team Jerejean water bottle, making sure the writing was clearly visible as another flash went off. "We're still doing the good thing, yes? What does it matter if we're also using it to look better than Josten and Minyard?"

"Yeah, I guess," Jeremy agreed. They really did love volunteering at the community garden. And Elisabeth—the woman who ran it—had been thrilled about the publicity this appearance would bring. It was mutually beneficial, and Jeremy knew that, but it still made him feel slimy. He made eye contact with Camila, their publicist, who was standing behind the photographer. She gave him a thumbs up and grinned pointedly, and Jeremy held back a sigh as he mirrored her expression.

That was the worst part, Jeremy thought. He should genuinely be having fun. And he would be, probably, if this wasn't being used as some part of a weird rivalry with two of their closest friends. It felt inauthentic. Even more inauthentic than a typical public appearance. Not that he was opposed to public appearances in general. They were important, and usually fun, and—even if he didn't actually have quite as much sunny enthusiasm as he tried to project in front of the cameras—it wasn't like he was putting on some kind of huge act.

And it wasn't even that they were lying about the rivalry. Unlike the infamous Minyard-Josten Rivalry, they weren't pretending not to like each other. They were just competing against each other for public bragging rights. Jeremy didn't know why it was bothering him so much. He didn't even care about the stupid rivalry.

Jean did, though. He had hardly talked about anything else all week. It mattered to Jean, and Jean mattered to Jeremy. That was what was at the heart of this, really—they loved each other. He just needed to keep that in perspective.

Jean leaned close and brushed a kiss against his cheek. "Stop clenching your jaw," he said quietly. "We won't win if we look tense and miserable."

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. "Is it just about winning?"

"Of course not," said Jean. He studied Jeremy's face. "Are you okay? We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

Jeremy felt himself relax without even trying. Jean cared about him more than the rivalry; it would be over soon eough. "I'm okay," he said. He pressed his shoulder against Jean's. "I love you."

Jean smiled. "Je t'aime."

With a newfound enthusiasm, Jeremy returned his attention to his tomato plant.

By the time they finished their afternoon of gardening, Jeremy was feeling a bit better. The physical activity had felt nice, and he'd eventually been able to ignore the cameras and his publicist and just focus on the work.

Of course, by the time he and Jean got home, the work itself was fading into the background again. Camila had sent them a few photos—some candid, some posed—with an array of emojis and instructions to post "asap."

"We look very cute," said Jean, smiling fondly as he selected a couple of photos to share on social media. "Much cuter than Josten and Minyard are capable of looking."

Jeremy rolled his eyes. "We can be cute without comparing ourselves to them, you know."

"Of course we can," Jean agreed. "But we are actively competing with them. And we are winning."

"If you say so," said Jeremy. "What did Neil and Andrew do for their activity this week, anyway?"

"Let me check," said Jean, scrolling through Twitter. He frowned. "Oh, come on."

"What is it?"

"Remember during the newlywed game, when they threatened to get cats to torment Kevin?"

"Yes," said Jeremy apprehensively.

"Look," said Jean, shoving his phone in front of Jeremy's face. Neil and Andrew stared back at him, each holding a scrawny-looking kitten and looking entirely too smug.

"They went to a shelter?" he asked.

Jean nodded glumly. "They volunteered there, and then they adopted these two kittens. Much cuter than vegetables."

"Vegetables are good," Jeremy protested weakly. "Besides, it's only the first week. We've got plenty of time."

"We've got to come up with something better," said Jean. "Something cuter."

"Like . . . a puppy?"

"No," said Jean. "Too similar. We'd look like we're copying them," said Jean. He perked up. "A baby!"

"What?"

"We should adopt a baby," said Jean. "That will get us way more votes than some dumb cats."

"Babe. Take a breath," said Jeremy. "We're not adopting a baby. You don't even like babies."

"We make enough money to hire a nanny, probably."

"Not the point."

"It would make us very popular."

"Not if we're shitty parents."

"Oh. Yes. That's probably true," said Jean. "Besides, doesn't it take a long time to adopt a human? I bet the rivalry would be over before the kid could do us any good."

Jeremy snorted. "That's one way to look at it."

"So, we're still looking for an idea to beat them."

"Yep," said Jeremy with a grimace. "What did they name the kittens, anyway? Did they actually call them Kevin and Day?"

Jean shook his head. "They're running a contest. They want people to reply to the tweet with name suggestions, and the one with the most retweets at the end of the week wins."

Jeremy perked up. "We should suggest names."

Jean brightened. "Brilliant. If we can get enough people to retweet our suggestion, we can totally steal their positive attention."

"Oh," said Jeremy. "That, too, I guess. I just thought it could be fun."

"Mon amour, you do not have a competitive bone in your entire body."

"Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment."

Jeremy sighed. "I know."

"What names should we suggest?" asked Jean. "It cannot be too awful, or people will not retweet it."

"Why do the names have to be awful?" asked Jeremy. "Why can't they just be cute?"

"That is not a bad idea," said Jean, nodding. "Neil and Andrew would hate it if their cats had cutesy names."

That hadn't been what Jeremy meant, either, but Jean looked excited, and this seemed like a comparably healthy directly to channel that energy, so Jeremy decided to roll with it. "How about . . . Fluffy?"

"That's a good start," said Jean, "but think bigger."

"Bigger how?"

"More dignified."

"You just said the names should be cutesy," said Jeremy.

"Yes. They can be both," said Jean. "Like . . . King Fluffkins."

Jeremy laughed. "That's absurd."

"I know," said Jean, pleased. "It's perfect."

Okay, at least he knew what genre he was aiming for now. "For the other one," said Jeremy slowly, "how about . . . Sir Fat Cat McCatterson?"

"Perfection. Done," said Jean, typing quickly on his phone. "Go retweet my reply so it will start gaining traction."

"Consider it done," said Jeremy. "Woah—people really seem to like the names."

"People really seem to like us," Jean corrected him. "We could've suggested anything. Our power is limitless."

"At least it's not going to your head."

"Not at all," said Jean. "I simply have a realistic perception of my social clout."

Jeremy leaned over and kissed Jean on the cheek. "Whatever you say, love."

"Thank you for taking the time to come on the show!"

"Thank you for having us, Holly," said Jeremy. "We're big fans of you and Ryan—you've got the best exy podcast in the business!"

"We're going to hold you to that assessment," said Ryan. "We've got you on record now, so everyone will know you said that."

"We would not say it if we did not mean it," said Jean. "Yours is the only podcast we listen to."

"If you stay as busy as you've been this week, you probably don't have much time to listen to podcasts, do you?" asked Holly. "It seems like you've been everywhere lately!"

Jeremy laughed. "Not everywhere," he said. "We've been in L.A. for years, and there are still a lot of cultural things we haven't done—or haven't done enough. We're working on checking some of those things off our list."

"Can you send us your itinerary when you're done?" asked Ryan. "The food in particular has looked spectacular."

"It really has been," Jeremy agreed. "We've been having a really great time checking out some local restaurants. It's so easy to fall back on national chains—they're convenient, they're familiar. But there are so many fantastic local places."

"I'm sure there are," said Holly, "but I have been going to the same four restaurants for the past twenty-five years, so I can tell you from experience, trying new places isn't as easy as you're making it sound."

"It is worth it, though," said Jean. "The other day, we went to a new Mexican place—La Tortilla Roja—and the tacos were the best we've ever had."

"I remember the picture you posted of those tacos," said Ryan. "I think I've been dreaming about those tacos, and I haven't even tasted them yet."

"They're some pretty dream-worthy tacos!" said Jeremy. He mostly hid a grimace—not that it mattered, much, what expressions he made; it was a podcast, after all. He hadn't felt this fake during an interview in years. It wasn't even like he was saying anything that wasn't true—he did love trying local restaurants! The tacos were good!—it all just felt slightly forced.

Jean put a hand on his knee and raised an eyebrow, silently checking in on him. Jeremy took a breath and relaxed, and the smile he gave him was genuine. He loved Jean. Jean was invested in winning this rivalry. Jeremy could deal with a couple more weeks of activities laced with ulterior motives.

"I wish there was a way for our listeners to see whatever y'all just did, because that was adorable," said Holly. "Seriously, your nonverbal communication is off the charts."

"We are very in sync," Jean agreed. "Did you happen to see our victory over Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard in the Newlywed Game week before last? Jeremy and I were quite good at it."

"We absolutely saw it," said Ryan. "I've actually watched it several times. I notice something new every time!"

"I've got to ask," said Holly, "this new Andreil-Jerejean Rivalry—is that why you've been so busy lately? I've got to say, it seems like the four of you have been putting forth some extra effort on the PR front."

"More pressingly, why do you all know your ship names?" asked Ryan. "Please tell me you have not explored the realm of real-person fic."

"We have not," said Jean. "Although we cannot speak for the Andreil half of the rivalry; we have no idea what activities they may or may not partake in on their own time."

"We're reasonably active on social media, and we keep an eye on what people are saying about us," said Jeremy. "I think we all just have a sort of awareness of these things."

"If you're anything like me, I'm sure you sometimes wish you were less aware," said Holly. "But, anyway, back to my question: do we have this rivalry to thank for your increased activity?"

"Not that we're complaining," said Ryan quickly. "If the rivalry is even a small part of the reason you finally took us up on our offer to come on the show, we are completely on board."

Jeremy glanced at Jean. They hadn't really covered how much they were supposed to share about the rivalry. Talking about it on a podcast without planning out what to say seemed much more like something Neil and Andrew would do than something he and Jean would do.

Jean gave a small shrug; he was deferring to Jeremy.

Maybe this was a good chance to be just a bit more like Neil and Andrew. Jeremy felt a little reckless as he answered. "It's related," he said. "Not that any of the things we've been doing are outside the realm of what we'd do anyway, of course. The rivalry has just given us an excuse to check off a few things we've been meaning to do a bit more quickly than we might otherwise have gotten to them."

"Hold on, is this an exclusive? It feels like you're giving us an exclusive here," said Holly, leaning forward with a grin.

"Yeah, I guess we are!" said Jeremy.

"What else can you tell us?" asked Ryan. "Where did this rivalry come from? It seemed kind of out of the blue."

"I think they started it because they were bored," said Jean, "and because they wanted to distract from the fact that Jeremy and I are a superior couple in every way."

"Well, I know we're team Jerejean over here," said Holly. "They seem great and all, but you came on our show, and you brought us special Hashtag Team Jerejean water bottles. Give me a present and I'm your friend for life."

"We appreciate your support," said Jean. "Though I cannot imagine it was a very difficult choice. Frankly, Neil and Andrew do not bring very much to the table."

"They certainly didn't bring us any custom red and gold water bottles," said Ryan.

"Now, hold on," said Holly. "At the end of the Minyard-Josten Rivalry, we found out the two of them had actually been married the whole time. We already know the four of you are actually friends. At the end of this, are we going to find out you're secretly in some kind of polycule?"

"Absolutely not," said Jean. "In fact, to say that we are 'friends' might be an overstatement."

"We are friends," Jeremy corrected him. "But no, there's not going to be some big reveal at the end of it all. This rivalry is just a friendly competition to see who fans think is the better couple."

"And obviously, we will win," Jean added.

"I'm loving the confidence from Jean here," said Holly. "Jeremy, are you equally confident, or do you have some doubts?"

"Yes, Jeremy, do you have any doubts?" Jean echoed.

"No doubts," said Jeremy. "But I also don't need a Twitter poll to tell me we're the best. Nothing against Andrew and Neil—they're great, too." He smiled at Jean. "I just know that this is as good as it gets."

"I have never once wished that there was a video component to our podcast here," said Holly, "but y'all are making me reconsider that position. Our listeners are missing out, not being able to see how adorable y'all are for themselves."

Jeremy laughed. "They're going to think we paid you to say that."

"No payment necessary," said Holly. "Y'all are really just that cute. It's a little annoying, to be perfectly honest. I mean, how can anyone live up to the standard you're setting here?"

"It's simple," said Jean smugly. "They can't."

"I don't know," said Jeremy, smiling fondly. "Loving Jean is the easiest thing I've ever done. It would be a lot harder to act like I didn't love him so much." He shrugged. "If you love someone enough, I don't really see how you could not show it just as much as we do. Maybe not in the exact same ways, but just as clearly, if you know how to look."

"He's an athlete and a poet!" said Holly with delight.

Jean smiled. "I am a very lucky man."

"Today, we are all lucky men," said Holly.

"We truly are," said Ryan. "Now, I could do a whole episode on this rivalry and your relationship, but we do occasionally talk about exy on this show, and we'd be remiss not to spend at least part of this time actually asking you about exy. The U.S. Court team is having a great season, and the Los Angeles Lions are in position to be at the top of the league this year, as well. So, my question is, have either of you ever been on a team that's not one of the best?"

"No,' said Jean simply, with a shrug. "I went to the Nest at a very young. There was not much time to be on a team that was less than the best."

Jean had been very matter-of-fact about it—by now, he was usually able to discuss the basics of the Nest without issue—but Ryan and Holly looked uncomfortable at having accidentally stumbled into a topic with so much baggage. Jeremy jumped into his own answer before they could attempt an awkward apology. "I've been very fortunate to be on a lot of really great teams," he said. "That said, my teams have definitely not always been the best. I had a little league team one year that didn't win a single game."

Thankfully, the hosts latched onto his shift in topic. "Not a single game?" asked Holly. "Honestly, that's impressive. I feel like you have to try to be that bad."

"You would think so," Jeremy agreed with a laugh. "Unfortunately, I was trying very hard to win."

"Yeah, but what about the rest of the team?" asked Ryan. "Was there a rest of the team, or was it just baby Jeremy Knox playing one on six?"

"There was a full team!" said Jeremy. "And I think they were all trying to win, too, but if there are any other former Snapdragons listening who want to come forward and admit to throwing the games, my DMs are open. And I won't be mad anymore, just disappointed."

"Wait, did you say snapdragons?" asked Holly. "What a phenomenal mascot! Sounds ferocious but is actually a flower. Which, by the way, is kind of how I'm picturing you on this terrible little league team."

"I do not think I had heard about the snapdragons before today," said Jean. "I think that could be a good nickname. Mon petit snapdragon."

"I would also like to say, for the record, that Jeremy Knox being disappointed in me would be way worse than Jeremy Knox being mad at me," said Ryan. "So you might not be incentivizing those former Snapdragons to come forward quite as much as you think you are."

"That's true," said Holly. "I think disappointing Jeremy would feel kind of like kicking a golden retriever puppy."

"Okay, okay," said Jeremy with a laugh. "We can tell them I won't be disappointed, either. Although, honestly, I don't really think I want to know, at this point. Thankfully, the Snapdragons' terrible season is long behind me, and I've successfully managed to move on with my exy career."

"Thank goodness," said Jean. "If you had remained on the worst team of all time, our paths may never have crossed."

"That's true," said Jeremy. "I think it's safe to say you wouldn't have transferred to the Snapdragons."

"Because little league teams do not typically accept NCAA athletes," said Jean, nodding sagely. "But also because they were, apparently, terrible."

"Mostly because they were terrible, right?" asked Jeremy in a stage whisper.

"I only accept the best," said Jean, lifting Jeremy's hand to his lips. "That is why I am with you."

"And on that beautiful note, I am so sorry to say we are out of time," said Holly. "But I need you both to know you are welcome back here literally any time. For real, if you wanted to just take over the podcast, I think we would let that happen."

"Thanks, Holly," said Jeremy. "We had a great time—and we might just take you up on that! The coming back, not the hijacking of the whole show."

"Either way, we'd be happy to have you," said Ryan. "Thanks again!"

Jeremy and Jean said their goodbyes and left the studio. Jeremy turned his phone back on and checked his notifications as they headed out to their car. "Camila has sent us three more articles about all of our outings this week."

"Good," said Jean, nodding.

"Renee is asking if we want to expand beyond water bottles."

"If this were going to be a more prolonged rivalry, I would say yes," said Jean, "but since we are on such a short timeline, I think no."

"Agreed," said Jeremy. "We've also got a missed call from Kevin," he said. "Want to call him back?"

"Sure," said Jean. "Once we are in the car. We can put him on speaker and rub in how much better at this we are than Andrew and Neil."

"Kevin hasn't taken sides," Jeremy reminded him.

"Exactly. We can show him how much of a mistake it is to stay neutral when there is such a clear winner."

Jeremy grinned as he ducked into the driver's side of their car. He still found the rivalry exhausting, and Jean's obsession with it was a little concerning, but he did love this side of Jean—confident, bold, and happy. At the end of the day, he'd give Jean anything he wanted. So, if the rivalry was what he wanted, the rivalry was what he would get. "I do think our swag looks better," said Jeremy.

"Of course it does," said Jean, getting into the passenger side. "Orange is a horrible color. They never stood a chance."

"All right, ready for Kevin?" asked Jeremy, connecting his phone to the car's Bluetooth.

Jean sighed dramatically. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Kevin answered on the first ring. "They went on Court Call this afternoon," he said quietly, without preamble. "It airs tonight."

"They went on television?" asked Jean. "They hate television." He turned to Jeremy. "Why didn't we go on television?"

"The podcast is just as good," said Jeremy. "It's probably got about the same number of listeners as Court Call has viewers."

"Yeah, I told you the podcast was a good idea," said Kevin impatiently. "It's not about that."

"Wait, you talked to him about this in advance?" Jean asked Jeremy. "He is not on our side! He probably told Minyard and Josten, and that is how they knew to go on television and outdo us!"

"I didn't tell them anything," said Kevin, the eye-roll evident in his voice. "Now shut up and let me tell you why I called."

"Shoot," said Jeremy with a nod.

"They talk about your competition," Kevin said, still speaking with quiet urgency. "They reveal that you've been making these public appearances specifically as part of the rivalry."

"Is that all?" asked Jean. "That is nothing. We talked about that on the podcast, too."

"Oh," Kevin whispered. "Okay, then, you're probably fine. The show will air first, but not by much, so you should be fine."

"Why are you talking like that?" asked Jean with a frown. "Like you are scared of getting caught."

"Are Neil and Andrew nearby?" asked Jeremy.

"No," said Kevin. He sighed. "King Fluffkins is sleeping next to me."

"Aw, that's sweet," said Jeremy.

"No it's not," said Kevin. "It's self-preservation. The thing's a terror. If I wake her up, she'll start yowling and scratching again."

Jean laughed. "That is what you get for living with the inferior couple."

"I think the commute between Denver and L.A. would be a little rough," said Kevin dryly.

"Perhaps," said Jean, "but we do not have any murderous cats."

Kevin sighed. "Honestly, don't tempt me."

"I think you should at least take an extended vacation and stay with us," said Jean. "Perhaps, and I am just thinking out loud here, but the next two weeks or so? You could fly out tomorrow—or maybe tonight, we can check—and stay with us until the next Court weekend."

"Um," said Jeremy, "I'm not sure—uh, no offense, Kevin, but Jean, shouldn't we maybe talk about it first?"

Kevin and Jean both ignored him. "And how, exactly, would me coming to stay with you for several weeks help you win this stupid rivalry?" Kevin asked.

"Simple," said Jean. "It is known that you live with the enemy. If, mid-rivalry, you feel the need to get away from them and spend some quality time with us, well, you must know something the general public may not. And that something is that Jeremy and I are the better couple in every way."

Kevin snorted. "Oh, yeah, that sounds—ow! Fuck!" Kevin's expletives increased in tandem with the unmistakable yowling of a cat.

Jeremy winced and turned down the volume. "Okay, well, we'll let you handle that," he said. "Let us know if you want to visit! You're welcome any time. Bye!"

Jean started laughing as soon as they hung up. "I guess he was telling the truth about the cat."

"Yeah, no kidding."

"Do you think he will have visible scratches?"

"I—what?"

"Not bad ones, necessarily," said Jean. "Just enough that the general public can see what the Minyard-Jostens' menace of a cat has done to the Queen of Exy. Could lose them a few votes."

Jeremy held back a sigh. "Yeah, maybe."

"Of course, people are quite fond of animals, and Kevin can be somewhat polarizing, so it is possible they will side with the cat," said Jean. "I suppose there is not much we can do about that."

Jeremy made a vague noise of agreement, silently counting down the days until this made-up rivalry would be over.