Episode 4: Welcome To The Jungle
Chapter 3: 51st Millennium Barbecue
"What will food look like in the far future? How would alien lifeforms end up on our menu? Is there really a moon out there that's made of cheese? Those are wild but tantalizing prospects to think about, not just for actual chefs, but also for worldbuilding authors and speculative astronomers."
Read DND: Heroes' Feast, to learn more.
"That's the biggest damn tree I've ever seen! It looks even more stupendous and massive than the ones Ahsoka and I climbed on Kashyyyk!"
Anakin was just getting used to the look of megaflora on Pandora, in this case a 100-millennium old tree that was at least mile high and hosted an entire Na'vi village, which had been improved with biotechnology like organic metal alloys such as chlorophyte and shroomite, to make the hanging buildings more sturdy and fireproof.
"My Master is correct," Ahsoka added. "I remember scaling Wroshyr trees on the Wookiee home planet when the Confederate droid army attacked. Just by tapping into the Force, I can tell the Hometree makes Kashyyyk's most prodigious plants look minuscule by comparison."
On the talking point of big trees and other plants, Jake Sully had a wealth of knowledge to offer... some of it was secret information that no one apart from the Na'vi were supposed to know, since the natives of Pandora had never completely forgotten their deep connection to nature, even with the arrival of colonial powers and the introduction of advanced technology. Jake trusted his new friends, though, and so he told everyone this:
"Crazy thing is, the Hometree doesn't even come close to being the largest plant in the known multiverse, much less the largest living organism. Ever heard of Yggdrasil, the World Tree? Colonizers from the Republic have been exploring it for millennia, yet they were ordered by the Central Government of Coruscant to keep the expedition a secret from the rest of intergalactic society."
"Oh yes, PLEASE DO bring up the topic of the government keeping secrets," Master Chief replied. "We've all witnessed or heard of our fair share of suspicious activity associated with the Senate, and it scares even the likes of me... which is saying something."
Beidou finished the discussion by saying something everyone was ready to do after a long, burdensome and arduous journey:
"Let's eat! We can talk about politics later!"
The Na'vi of the Omaticaya clan roasted their meat in fire pits using wood planks gathered from smaller rainforest trees, in a manner not unlike prehistoric humans on ancient Coruscant, when Earthlings were just beginning to perceive their role and destiny in history.
There were also skewered vegetables of all kinds, many of them were bioluminescent and colorful even after being cooked, and even the former Separatist alien leaders were being catered to, with stewed krayt dragon tongue- a Hutt delicacy- being present on the table alongside a jug of bantha milk and a plate of Dagobah swamp croquettes.
While Anakin, Ahsoka, Jake, and John-117 (who had taken off his helmet) wolfed down their food following days of going without eating, Beidou was entertaining Neytiri's kids with her breathtaking acrobatic skills, which she had learned in the Jedi Temple's gymnasium and obstacle courses. Even Lo'ak and Spider were impressed by the Tau girl's performance, and the two brothers were constantly competing in athletic endeavors.
"You think this short Jedi girl could be better at climbing rock walls than me?," Spider asked his sibling.
"I wouldn't doubt it," Lo'ak said. "I was told she was very gifted in parkour, and grew up in Galactic City on Coruscant. She's practically an urban ninja."
Beidou came down from the tree canopy she had just leapt into, and told Lo'ak and Spider, "Are you gonna keep talking, or are you gonna show me your moves?"
One moment, Ahsoka noticed something strange in her taro root skewer, and remarked on it:
"Is this a crispy cockroach in my dinner?"
"Just eat it," Jake told her, "people are starving en masse in the hive cities, they'd kill for this kind of grub!"
Then things got uncomfortable when the Confederate representatives arrived for dinner- here comes Jabba the Hutt, accompanied by General Grievous and Nute Gunray, a rather infamous trio.
Anakin braced himself for a fight when Grievous made eye contact with him, and Ahsoka and Beidou did the exact same. The man, the myth, the legend, he was a Jedi KILLER.
Beidou in particular remembered when the merciless Confederate general sadistically tortured, mutilated and murdered Aalya Secura, the decorated Twi'lek Jedi Master, who had been practically like an older sister to her, teaching her almost everything she knew and inspiring her to stand for what is right. And he did this right in front of her.
She wanted to run Grievous through with her green lightsaber, but knew that would be a suicidal notion, because she would be totally outmatched in a duel, and so she restrained her burning anger and deep hatred- exactly what a Jedi should do, at least according to the code. But how could you forgive a person who sinned so unrepentantly and so gleefully?
Anakin and Ahsoka kept their distance from Grievous, but eventually Anakin felt like saying something, since he had previously been involved in multiple fights to the death with him before being transferred to Hoth.
"What exactly are you doing here? Jabba and Nute Gunray actually have some semblance of talent in diplomacy, but you're just a mass murderer without any additional role."
"Well then, pot meets kettle!," Grievous spat. "Look at your Republic. Its political structure is rotten from the inside out. Leaders are almost never held accountable for their actions, and the war effort only serves to give Palpatine and his imperialist cohorts more power! Democracies aren't ever overthrown... they're given away. That's a lesson you should learn, kid. Maybe the enemies we're fighting on the outside are secretly in league with the people on the inside."
"A fair observation, General," Nute Gunray said. "Speaking of hypocrisy, I lately came upon a plot by Republic military leaders to invade some backwater planet known as Kaurava, because apparently there's a person known as the Avatar living there who does crazy martial arts to cast magic, like a natural upgrade over the Force. Any means necessary, right? You Loyalists are guilty of the same crimes as us Separatists."
While stuffing his face with the Dagobah croquettes, Jabba the Hutt felt the urge to make a lewd comment on Beidou's revealing choice of outfit, because he's a massive pervert. Not only that, but the space mafia boss wanted to say something that would REALLY get on her nerves. So he did it, brilliantly.
Note: Jabba the Hutt can speak Common like everyone else in this scenario, unlike most scenes with him in Star Wars
"I didn't know Jedi Knights recruited prostitutes to be part of their ranks! Oh, wait. Aalya Secura was already there, and she got demolished by Grievous a while back. Good times. And look, Ahsoka Tano is part of this historic event too!"
Beidou and Ahsoka both lit their lightsabers in response to this offensive slander.
"Keep talking, and we'll cut off more than just your tail."
"Try it, bitch and bimbo!," Jabba jeered back.
"Grievous and I would recommend you to NOT test your luck," Nute Gunray said, trying to de-escalate the situation.
Thankfully, Neytiri and the Master Chief interrupted the squabble.
"Alright, everybody, sit down and SHUT UP! This is a place for rational discussion, not throwing around trivial and meaningless ad hominem insults."
"You heard him. If we want to talk serious status quo, we need to cooperate, and stay focused and disciplined. Nobody is killing each other tonight. Remember, this dinner invite is for diplomacy."
The group calmed down, and they began realizing that "acting the mickey" hadn't really solved any problems.
...An outcome that seemed a little too good to be true. It didn't take long for the barbecue peace treaty to be rudely interrupted by a massive explosion that came from Hell's Gate, one that shook the ground and made the air very hot, even though the Hometree was at least 30 miles away from the spaceport.
Anakin had a very bad feeling about this turn of events.
"Did that blast come from the one thing I was afraid of when we got here? I didn't want to bring it up, but now it's too late for small talk!"
"What's he referring to?," Beidou asked.
Jake was irritated at her not acknowledging the obvious details.
"You IDIOT! Didn't you notice the big black obsidian COCK that was poking out of the center of Hell's Gate? It's right there for everyone to see!"
"Why were we researching it, exactly?," Ahsoka asked. "And did the scientists know something like this would eventually happen?"
"There's only one way to find out," Master Chief told her.
Anakin gave the orders on who went where, since he was the highest ranking Republic officer present and a Jedi as well.
"Jake, Neytiri, you'd best steer clear and protect your kids, and the former Separatists might be too cowardly to help us anyway, so they're staying here. Beidou, Ahsoka, and the Chief will accompany me en route to Hell's Gate. We better prepare for the worst."
"Who you calling coward, Jedi?," Grievous hissed.
"I'll take my statement back if you come with us," Anakin spoke softly.
That offer perplexed the cyborg general, since he had sworn to never fight alongside the Jedi ever again, and he didn't want to break his oath, yet he didn't want to live with being labeled as a coward. He didn't say anything else.
With that settled, Anakin and three of his fellow patriots hopped in their Jedi turbo speeder, and drove off into the jungle towards the now rapidly burning structure of Hell's Gate, which had become very literal in a naming sense.
Master Skywalker hoped there would still be survivors of the unexplained conflagration who could explain to him what the deal was with the ancient pitch black pillar, but inside he knew that asking questions was pointless, since it was extremely evident that the source of the danger was right smack dab in front of him.
What transpired inside the inferno would bring about the most alarming revelation since the siege of Hoth... and the latter had nothing to do with the black monolith itself.
One step closer to an ugly, terrible truth.
