Helloooooooooo everybody! How many years has it been? 20? Just about. I'm sorry about that. The more serious stories took priority (especially Lone Dragon Emperor) over this comedy centered one and this is one of the few that fell by the wayside.
And even more importantly than that, I've been updating my other stories less lately as well because of one main reason: life.
So yeah.
Anyway, in a time of drought, I've decided to add another chapter to this one. The "stupid king" is back! (Just don't expect toomany regular uploads.) Especially with how hectic life is nowadays.
SCENE
"Still, I'm sorry for calling you out here so suddenly, Ise-kun."
Akeno apologized to the blank-faced moron shortly after he arrived at the shrine temple.
"It's ok. Ray wanted to try some new weird sex stuff and to be honest, I didn't want to. So you kind of saved me by calling me."
"Ara… I really didn't need to know that."
"That's okay. You know now. —Anyway, why are we here? And why isn't Rias here?"
"Ah, Rias is finalizing some paperwork relating to the peace conference that will be taking place. She will be joining us later."
"How come we're at a shrine though?"
"Well, as I said, there is someone I must greet here."
"At a shrine? Is it the Solar God?"
"The sun god, Amateratsu?"
"No, no, the one that looks like me."
"Ara… Were you named after a god or something, Ise-kun?"
"No, I said he looks like me, not had the same name. Although, now that I think about it, he did have the same name too. He also had black hair and a hot cousin."
"I truly don't know what we're talking about here, Ise-kun."
"Eh, it's just a weird dream I had once."
"Okay..?"
While Issei and Akeno were having another bizarre exchange, which was obviously a common occurrence with the boy, a certain golden glowing man appeared behind the two.
"Oh, is this the Sekiryuutei?"
Akeno and Issei turned to see a man with a halo over his head and multiple pairs of beautiful feathered wings behind his back.
(Though if you ask me, dark wings are bette—)
"Pleased to meet you, Hyoudou Issei-kun. I am Michael, leader of the Angels of heaven."
"..?!"
Upon hearing his greeting, Issei immediately gained a serious expression and gasped. He also took a stupid martial arts stance.
"Michael! My arch nemesis from the western world!"
Michael maintained his closed-eyed, gentle smile and titled his head.
"Pardon?"
"I-Ise-kun… This is Michael, the archangel."
"You can't fool me. There's only one man named Michael that knows my game username."
"..Game..?"
Issei's left arm then let out a disgruntled voice.
[For the last time… "Sekiryuutei" is our TITLE, and it is NOT a TITLE to be thrown around so recklessly, you absolute buffoon! STOP USING IT FOR YOUR STUPID VIDEO GAMES!]
"I'll get you back for defeating me in Tekken once and never rematching me, Michael. I broke three controllers in a quiet rage because of you, and Mama rightfully grounded me for two weeks because of it. Today, I'll get my revenge."
[ANGEL OF THE HEAVENS, I BEG OF YOU, RETRIEVE ME FROM THIS FOOL AND SEND ME ELSEWHERE, TRULY IT MUST HAVE BEEN I WHO WAS CURSED WITH HIM RATHER THAN HE WITH ME!]
….
….
….
And Michael, the leader of heaven's reaction to this was..
"..."
—With the same exact smile, Michael simply gestured towards the shrine temple entrance doors.
"Now, follow me. Let me show you what you are here for."
[I AM IGNORED?!]
Michael led the two towards the temple doors and slid them open to reveal something inside.
"Actually, I'm here to present you with this."
Behind the doors, it was revealed that there was a holy sword floating precariously in the air. Issei pointed at it and gasped.
"Excalibur!"
"No, Ise-kun, those were secured already. That's just a holy sword."
"Oh."
"A holy dragon-slaying sword, to be specific."
Michael added at the end.
"Hyoudou Issei, this is [Ascalon], the holy dragon-slaying sword employed by none other than Saint George in the past. A special ritual has rendered it safe so that even a Devil who holds the spirit of a dragon can wield it."
Michael explained it simply, but Akeno corrected him.
"Actually, Michael-sama, Ise-kun is not a Devil. He is still a human."
"Eh? You mean that the Sekiryuutei who defeated Kokabiel without the use of his Balance Breaker is still a human?"
"Indeed. Isn't that right, Ise-ku—"
When Akeno turned back to Issei, he was gone from his spot. In fact, he was standing with Ascalon in his hands.
SHINK.
—Scratch that. He was standing there with Ascalon halfway through his stomach, because he had inexplicably stabbed himself with it.
…..
…..
"It isn't slaying me. Saint George was scammed."
…..
[RELEASE ME FROM THIS HELL!]
"We aren't in hell, Ddraig."
[YOU ARE MY HELL.]
"That's romantic?"
[DO NOT IGNORE MY CRIES FOR SALVATION, FEATHERS OF GOD!]
Meanwhile, Michael…
"Rather than wielding it, we were hoping you would combine it with your gear, Hyoudou Issei-kun."
[IGNORED AGAAAAIN!?]
Michael: Resilience 100(?)
"—You want me to combine this with my gear?"
Issei asked, having removed the blade from his abdomen and somehow healed from his wound. (How in the hell..?)
Michael continued conversing with him with the same attitude as if nothing had happened.
"Yes. It should be possible, considering the ritual that was done to make it feasible. And if you really are a human being, then that should only make it easier."
"But why give it to me?"
"Well, consider it a gift. With the upcoming conference, we thought it appropriate to show an example of our goodwill. From our side to the Devils. Even though you aren't a Devil, it should still suffice since you are associated mainly with their side. Although, Azazel would like to say otherwise…"
"Oh, that Azuzu guy? Does he say that we're friends or something?"
"Well, he likes to think that you are more clearly aligned with the Fallen Angels rather than Devils because of your loyalty to those Fallen Angel women around you. It's a bit of a stretch, I'd say, but he and Sirzechs have argued about it before. Truthfully, I couldn't care less. Especially since we're going to become allies anywa—"
SHIIN!
A bright light suddenly flashed in front of Michael's smiling face, cutting him off. When the light died out, it became clear that Issei had already combined Ascalon with his Boosted Gear.
"Ah, sorry. I stopped listening when you said "well."
"…."
"Hey, since you're an Angel, aren't you supposed to say stuff like "Be Not A Scaredy Cat" and look like a bunch of flying teeth or something?"
"..."
What Michael could be thinking behind that creepy, unmoving smile of his, no one could know. Only his dead dad could understand it.
All I know is that if you zoomed in real close on Michael's face, it would be revealed to you that his eyes aren't actually closed, but just very very heavily squinted in an unsettling manner.
"—Well done, indeed. With that, I must take my leave."
"Ah, wait, Mitchell."
Michael looked back at Issei with an unflinching smile.
"Yes?"
Issei looked straight at Michael and asked him.
"..Do you still have Tekken?"
….
SHIN!
A bright light enveloped Michael's body.
《Farewell, Hyoudou Issei. Until next we meet, at the summit.》
Michael was gone within a flash, literally. Akeno and Issei were left standing there silently together. That was until Issei turned to Akeno with a serious face.
"Mononoke-hime-jima, do you think they'll have a gaming setup ready at the summit?"
….
Akeno's smile was unfazed.
"..Why don't we have some tea, Ise-kun?"
Akeno: resilience (ally effect: buff)
Part 2
A short while after Michael had left the two alone, Issei and Akeno were sitting together, drinking tea silently. Truthfully, Akeno had no idea what to talk about with Issei, considering how much of an oddball he is.
At some point, however, Akeno found it within herself to mention a very serious topic..
"..Ise-kun?"
"Yeah?"
"...I can safely assume that you of all people don't have any sort of biases against Fallen Angels, correct?"
"Biases?"
"..Yes, like prejudices."
"Prejudices? I don't really have any pride or prejudice yet. I haven't read the book. Besides, I suck at English. And literature."
"No, Ise-kun. What I mean is... you don't hate Fallen Angels, do you?"
Ise furrowed brows in a confused way and his eyes even seemed to hold a bit of pity in them.
"...You do know that I live with three of them, right?"
"Please don't look at me as if I'm the one lacking in intelligence, Ise-kun."
Akeno sighed after placing down her tea.
"Haah.. Though, you are right. That was a stupid question, wasn't it. The answer should've been obvious. Perhaps it's simply because I'm afraid to ask the real questions…"
Akeno's eyes appeared to hold a tinge of sadness.
"...Ise-kun. Let me ask you what I really wanted to ask you…. If there was ever a being which was a mixture between Devil and Fallen Angel, would you consider that existence an...abomination?"
Akeno asked with great hesitation, fearing what Issei might say… But...
"—There's another hybrid besides you and Neko?"
The serious atmosphere that she was about to establish was quickly destroyed.
"...I'm sorry?"
"I didn't know that there were other hybrids besides you two. But I guess that makes sense. There's probably also other Fallen Angels that became Devils. Actually, now that there's gonna be an alliance, there's probably also going to be a lot more hybrids in the future, huh? Everybody's gonna start getting busy."
….
Akeno paused for a moment before regaining her serious attitude.
"..I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It's clear that Ise-kun knew already. Even if you didn't, you could've found out just by how powerful you are…. In that case, let me rephrase myself. Do you find an existence like me...repulsive?"
"Yes."
Akeno flinched. Although she was hoping for an honest reply, somewhere underneath, she was also hoping to hear something different. She shouldn't have gotten her hopes up..
"Anyone who's this good at making tea is bound to have gross taste in food."
….
….
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Tea is gross, so if you're good at making it, that probably just means that you make other gross foods as well."
"..."
Akeno really shouldn't have gotten her hopes up..
"...Ise-kun… I'm talking about my state of being."
"We don't live in the states, we live in Japan."
"N-No, not that. That's not what I mean."
"Oh. Well, your current state is called being "alive."
"Ise-kun, I'm being serious."
"I am t—"
"Of course you are! Ugh, I should have known!"
Akeno facepalmed before continuing.
"...Ise-kun. Listen to me… What I'm talking about isn't being alive or dead, nor does it involve where I live…. What I'm talking about is me being a hybrid. Who "I" am as a person…"
Issei deadpanned.
"I don't get it. What you are has nothing to do with who you are as a person?"
For a moment, Akeno paused. Somewhere within herself, she felt the urge to smile, but she suppressed it.
"As I thought… It's just like Rias said. You might be an idiot, but…you still know what to say to make people feel better."
"I'm not trying to make you feel better. I'm just telling the truth."
"...Heh, maybe you are… Say, Ise-kun…. Would you mind if I told you a story? It's one that is very important to me."
Issei froze. He placed his tea cup down and stated it shakily, despite his blank expression.
"..I will try my best to stay awake."
"Right…. Please do."
Ahem… Well, it all started when I was a child. Specifically, when I turned 11 years old.
Flashback noises!
"Ise-kun, what was that?"
"What was what?"
"That sound you just made with your mouth."
"I didn't make any sound."
"...Please don't interrupt my story."
"Sorry."
Anyway… As I was saying, it all started when I turned 11 years old.
Quiet flashback noises..!
You know that I can still hear you?
…..
Ugh… Whatever…
—Like I said, my whole life changed back then. You see, my mother was a shrine maiden. Before I was born, my mother met a Fallen-Angel outside of her shrine. It was a gruff man, covered in scars, with a beard. That man…was my father.
"Gasp! Baraka!"
"...Barakiel."
"Who's that?"
"..."
He had crashed into the field, terribly wounded and unconscious. My mother, being the kind woman that she was, nursed him back to health. It was during this time that they fell in love with each other.
As a result of their union, I was born. In other words, I was born as a half-human, half-fallen angel.
…And I loved my mother and father. The truth is, we had a very happy life together.
However, something terrible occurred that would change my life forever.
You see, although my parents loved each other dearly and shared a happy life together, my mother's family wasn't so accepting of the circumstances. More specifically, my Great Uncle from the main branch of the Himejima family, Suou Himejima, the leader of the clan, who detested the union most of all.
And under his rule, a terrible plan was devised….
—One day, when my father returned home after being summoned to his home base for something important, my uncle made his move.
My mother and I were already detained by my uncle's group. They tied my mother and I up and forced us to witness something truly awful…
"Suou! Why are you doing this?!"
"Silence, Shuri. You've brought this only on yourself. You have only yourself to blame after lying with the likes of that scum."
"Barakiel is a good man! He may be a Fallen-Angel, but he is a loving father and a strong protector! If only you'd reach out your hand and see, he could become a powerful ally for the entire clan!"
"Nonsense! Ally with him?! You truly must have lost your mind, Shuri. His perversion has poisoned your spirit. But worry not. Soon, you will be cleansed. Before that happens however, you must see the truth."
My uncle gestured to his wife, who was patiently waiting in the other room, not saying a word. On the other hand, we were trapped in the darkness of an adjacent room with my uncle and his goons, helpless, with the crack of space between the sliding door as our only source of light and sight of the event.
"Your wife? What are you planning to do, Suou?!"
"You shall see. See for yourself how depraved and unfaithful the nature of a Fallen-Angel truly is! Gag them, and blind the girl."
And so, we both had a cloth wrapped around our mouths to silence us, and I was blindfolded as well. All I could do was listen to what was happening in the other room…
(Shuri, Akeno. I've returned. Are you here?)
(Oh, good evening.)
(Who are you?)
(Allow me to introduce myself, nephew-in-law.)
What occurred next was later only described to me by my mother very vaguely. But after some time, and some odd noises, what I did hear above all else was my great uncle's proud proclamations.
"Ahahaha! Now do you see, Shuri? Do you see the true nature of the Fallen-Angel? Despite naming him your husband, despite being the father to your child, he still engages in adulterous acts! He is no more faithful than the lowliest, most depraved of human beings! Hahahaha!"
My great uncle laughed proudly at his victory. Although my memory isn't the best, I think I recall his subordinates muttering amongst themselves?
"Um… S-Suou-dono… Uh, your wife.."
"Hahaha! Too bad, Shuri. Perhaps you should've listened to our warnings."
"Suou-dono… About the plan.."
"Aw, don't cry, Shuri. I can hear the pace of your breathing. I know it's hard, but this is the reality of your choice. Now, you must live with it. You and your daughter both. You must live with your sin."
"Suou-dono, I uh… I don't think she's crying."
"Oh, please. She's trembling."
"S-Suou-dono.."
"My plan worked to perfection! I am the wisest—"
"—Suou-dono!"
"What?!"
"Weren't you, um….supposed to interrupt the scene before it occurred..?"
"Of course! The plan was to have my wife play the role of seductress, reveal the Fallen-Angel's true nature, then burst onto the scene and humiliate him before Shuri, so that he never returns!"
"Right… And, uh… when were we supposed to go in?"
"After my wife gives the signal, obviously."
"Okay… Well, when is that supposed to happen?"
"Before anything occurs, obvi—"
"...She hasn't given the signal, Suou-dono."
"..."
—After that, I heard a lot of yelling in the background between various parties, including my great uncle. The last thing I heard anyone say was my great aunt, who said: "Well, I'm sorry, dear. He's just so charming, you know? Shuri might have a point after all."
It went quiet then, but I do remember hearing a bunch of footsteps. I think my uncle and his crew left after that.
Eventually, I was un-blindfolded and witnessed my parents arguing for the first time. In the midst of their argument, my mother pushed my father out of the shrine in anger.
"Shuri, w-wait, please! Don't do this! I'm sorry!"
"No, I'm done with you, cheater! Why don't you just go! Go and be with that mature, bustier woman, who also happens to be your in-law, instead! Go and continue your disgusting affair with her! In fact, here! Take this camcorder with you! Record the whole thing! And when you're done, bring it back here to me so that I can have evidence of your vile betrayal! You filthy, filthy man!"
"S-Shuri..?"
And so, from then on, my family has never been the same…
Issei and Akeno sat there in silence after she finished her story.
….
"And then?"
"Then…nothing. That's the story."
"That's it? Like, your mother is still alive and everything?"
"Uh, yeah..?"
Uncharacteristically, Issei took another sip of his tea.
"...Ise-kun? Why do you seem confused?"
"Huh? Oh, I don't know. I just thought that was going to have a much darker ending."
"Why would you think that?"
"I don't know, but… I feel as if "a can in a vent" has been disrupted…"
"A fucking what?"
"Nothing. Anyway, is that the reason why you're ashamed of your Fallen-Angel blood?"
"Yes… It is because of my father's nature as a Fallen-Angel that my family was torn apart. Fallen-Angels are naturally sexually charged creatures, to a fault… and my mother learned that lesson the hard way. That's why, I hate my father and the filthy blood in me… Do you understand now, Ise-kun..? Ise-kun? What's wrong?"
For whatever reason, Issei was tapping his knees while remaining quiet. Although his expression was the same as always, he was scrunching his mouth up to the corners of his face, as if being overcome by awkwardness.
"Hmm… How do I explain this so that you can understand it better?"
"Like I said earlier, Ise-kun, don't treat me as if I'm the one lacking intelligence here."
"Well, maybe not intelligence. It's more like knowledge. Cursed knowledge."
"What are you talking about?"
Issei took yet another unexpected sip from his tea.
"Well, Akuma-senpai."
"Akeno. Although, you technically aren't wrong."
"You see, when two people like each other very much, they hang out. And by hanging out, I mean that they do "certain things" together. Especially when they get older."
"I know what sex is, Ise-kun."
"Oh, okay, cool. Then, in that case, um… You see, there's different types of sex that people have. Some people have certain interests, or certain ways they like to have sex. Some like it gross, some like it painful, and some just like it straight up weird. Basically—"
"Oh, for goodness sake, I know what a "kink" is, Ise-kun! Where are you going with this?"
"Great, that makes things easier. Basically, what I'm saying is that your mom likes it weird."
"Excuse me?"
"Your mom likes to watch."
"Excuse me?!"
"Your mom's a cuck."
"HUUUUUH?!"
"Sorry, cuckquean. —No offense."
At that point, Akeno stood up and started shouting.
"What the hell are you talking about?! How dare you say those things about my mother?!"
"Like I said, no offense."
"How am I not supposed to take offense to that?!"
"I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I don't judge. Ray told me that it's wrong to judge people for their kinks. I think she called it "sink shaming?" I don't know why people like to have sex on top of sinks, but that's the point of the saying, I guess. No judgment here."
"No, Ise-kun, it's called kink-sha— actually, who gives a shit!? How could you say that?! For you to assume those things, despite being such an idiot! You don't know anything about my mother!"
"I know she likes to watch her husband cheat on her with other family members."
"No, she doesn't! If she did, she wouldn't kick my father out every time he comes back home!"
"Well, what does she usually say when she kicks him out?"
"She usually asks how many other women he's slept with, and he always says the same thing "I haven't done it again since then!" Then, she gets really angry and kicks him out! She always tells him not to come back unless he brings every woman he's ever cheated on her with back to our house and proves that he doesn't love any of them by..…"
Akeno then came to a silent standstill. Issei remained seated quietly, taking sips from his tea intermittently.
….
"Blegh.."
Tea, which of course, he hated.
Some time later…
Akeno and Issei both sat side by side, quietly taking sips of their tea every once in a while.
"..Blegh."
"You don't have to drink the tea if you don't like it, Ise-kun."
"Oh, finally."
Issei placed his teacup back on the table and Akeno sighed deeply.
"Haah… So all of this time, my father's infidelity, my parents separation…. It wasn't even that big of a deal..? How can this be?"
"Well, like Ray told me before, it doesn't matter how weird somebody likes it. What matters most is consent. If everybody is game for it, then it's all good."
"But I don't even think my father consented."
"Yeah, me neither. I think your mom's just got a weird kink that she wants to explore, and your dad is just not getting the message."
"Hmm. I guess that explains why they keep getting back together. And also why every argument basically ends with the same mentioning of lovers and such…"
"Your mom needs to be honest with herself and have a conversation with your dad. You should let her know, because I really don't think he's ever gonna get it."
"Neither do I… Speaking of which, Ise-kun. Do you know anyone that likes to, um, you know, watch their partners…? For example, your Fallen-Angel companions?"
"Yeah. Matsuda likes it, I think. But he likes to imagine himself as the NTR perpetrator, not the victim. Motohama always makes fun of him for it though. And then Matsuda usually responds by saying that the only reason Motohama doesn't like it is because he fits the description of the NTR victim. Then they argue. Ray also seems to like watching me do it with the other girls a bit too, but I think that's just cos' she likes going with the flow and escalating things. She calls herself a freak, but I hate that word. Still, none of them seem obsessed with watching like your mom is though."
"Yeah…"
"By the way, if that's what happened with your parents, how did you meet Rias-senpai?"
"Hm? Oh, that. To be honest, I sometimes have no idea how we became friends. I met her when my mother and I went to Tokyo for sightseeing. She was covered in a bunch of "anime" merchandise and carrying bags of Japanese souvenirs, while her attendees were carrying mountains of boxes. She was also harassing some Maid Cafe workers."
Issei showed a rare expression of worry and sweatdropped.
"Oh no… She's a filthy Gaijin and a weeaboo…"
"In the truest sense, she is a Japanophile."
Issei furrowed his brows even more worriedly.
"...That's not even a kink, that's straight up illegal."
"No, Ise-kun, you're thinking of Lolicons.."
"No, that's Matsuda. Wait a minute…"
As Issei contemplated to himself, Akeno sighed again.
"Well… I suppose this means that I need to get over my own hatred for myself and my father. Or more specifically, my hatred for our nature as Fallen-Angels."
"Like I said before, what you are has nothing to do with who you are. Even if someone were to treat you wrongly for that, or call you names, it wouldn't matter. Ray, Mito-chan, and Kala are all Fallen-Angels, but I love them more than anything. They're nice girls. It's the same with you. Even if you are a Fallen-Angel hybrid, it doesn't mean you aren't a nice girl. Akeno-san is a nice girl. So try not to worry about it."
Akeno put her teacup down and fidgeted in place.
"W-Wow…. I never thought Ise-kun could say something so mature… You even got my name right this time."
Break!
Issei's teacup fell out of his hands and shattered into pieces.
"...I did?"
Akeno sighed for the final time.
"Haaah… Well, the mood was good while it lasted… for a second…"
A few hours later into the night, long after Issei had received Ascalon, the idiot "assisted" in the training regiment of his vampire companion. And by that, I mean that he was tossing balls towards Gasper at nearly 90 kilometers per hour.
Whoosh!
"Kyaah!"
Gasper hit the ground, narrowly avoiding the killer volleyball. Of course, this meant that the volleyball instead disappeared into the treeline surrounding the old school building, causing sounds of cracking wood to emit from somewhere within.
"Jasper, you're supposed to freeze the dodgeballs, not dodge them. Wait.."
"Are you kidding?! H-How on earth am I supposed to freeze those?! I can barely even see them coming! Issei-senpai needs to throw them slower or I'll die! If they hit me, I'll seriously die!"
Issei looked at the ball in his hands confusedly.
"But I'm throwing them the slowest that I can.."
"That's the slowest?! Haven't you played with the sports teams at school before?! How have you not killed anybody?!"
"Well, I've never hit anyone with anything during sports. I've definitely broken things before though."
"That's nothing short of a miracle!"
Asia, who was standing beside Issei, tugged at his sleeve.
"Ano, Issei-san? Maybe you should try harder to reduce the speed of your throws? I'm sure I can heal brain trauma easily, but I don't know if it'll reverse the effects of any brain damage itself.."
Gasper cried tears of relief.
"Waaaaaah! Asia-senpai, you're an angel! You're my only ally in the entire Gremory Familia!"
Issei rubbed his chin curiously.
"Hmm… Maybe if I use my non-dominant hand to toss it, it might go off slower?"
"That's the spirit, Issei-san! Good job!"
"Okay, G-man. Get ready. I'm gonna throw it again."
"Y-Yes, Issei-senpai!"
With newfound determination, Gasper prepared himself for the next throw. Which, fittingly enough, was actually a dodgeball this time. So, Issei reared back his arm, the right one specifically, and threw the ball toward Gasper.
Astonishingly, Gasper was able to stop it this ti—!
WHAP!
"Oof!"
—Nope, nevermind. It hit him dead on, in the face, causing Gasper to hit the floor and stop moving.
"Gya-kun?! Issei-san! That didn't seem slower at all!"
"Whoops. I forgot I was ambiverted."
"D-Don't you mean ambidextrous?"
"No, I'm pretty introverted actually."
The two stood there silently, staring at the possible corpse of their new companion.
"...Y-You don't think he's d-dead, do you, Issei-san?"
"If he is, it's deserved. Vampires are supposed to be undead anyway."
"Issei-san!"
Asia sighed.
"Maybe we should try a different approach? I mean, it doesn't really feel like we're making any progress… Aren't there any other methods we can think of?"
Issei thought for a moment. Then, he dropped his fist into his palm, as if realizing something.
"Oh!"
"What is it, Issei-san? Have you thought of something?"
Instead of answering, Issei walked over to Gasper's limp body and lifted his torso. Then, using his newly acquired Ascalon, he cut into the palm of his hand, causing blood to leak out.
"I-Issei-san!"
Issei ignored Asia's worried cries and did something bizarre. He placed his bleeding palm up against Gasper's mouth and held it there.
"Issei-san? What are you doing?"
"Giving him my blood. Since he's a vampire, it might give him a boost in power."
"Oh! I see. Did you think of that yourself?"
"Actually, it was that weird naked robe guy's idea. He said before that the blood of the Sekiryuutei might have a positive effect on him so I thought I should try it now."
"A positive effect?"
"Yeah. Which doesn't make sense because I'm an O-negative."
"Issei-san…"
Again, a silence filled the air. Until Asia asked him curiously.
"Ano, Issei-san? How much of your blood exactly are you supposed to give him..?"
"Ah."
Issei pulled his hand away and looked down at Gasper. When he made no noticeable movements, Issei shook his body to wake him.
"Hey, Jasp—"
But suddenly, Gasper's glowing eyes shot wide open. His body jumped to its feet and stood stiff.
"G-Gyasuke?"
Asia nervously called out to him, and with the sound of her voice, he turned to face them..
"G-Gyasuke!"
Asia gasped in shock. That's because when Gasper turned around, his face had completely changed…
"I-Issei-san! His face!"
The best way to describe it…would be to say that his entire "character design" just decreased in quality. And what I mean by that is that he's smiling very blankly, with a cartoonishly undetailed mouth and simple black dots for eyes.
"He looks normal to me."
"There's no way that's true!"
Asia asked Gasper hesitantly.
"G…Gya-kun..? Are you okay?"
For a moment, Gasper did and said nothing. From the sideline, Issei picked up the ball that originally hit Gasper and tossed it at Gasper again.
"Let's see if it works now."
"Issei-san?!"
But just as the ball flew towards Gasper—
"Za Warudo~!"
—it stopped right in front of his face.
"..! Gya-kun, you stopped it! Issei-san, he did it! Your plan worked!"
Asia proclaimed it excitedly, but for some reason, Issei's expression was anything but friendly. In fact, it was idiotically dramatic.
"Dio!"
Issei spat out the name venomously, with a burly voice that didn't even sound like his own. Once the ball dropped to the ground, Issei took a step forward, only to realize that his foot was frozen in place.
"Hoh? You're approaching me?"
Out of nowhere, Gasper started contorting his body into a bunch of weird, overly-dramatic stances that made Asia's back cringe from how arched he looked.
"Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?"
Issei responded just as dramatically as Gasper did.
"I can't verify your physical sex characteristics without getting closer."
"Hoho.. Oh really? Then by all means, come as close as you need to.."
Just like that, Gasper and Issei were having an unexpected stare off. Issei with his hands in his pockets and wearing a cap he seemingly pulled out of nowhere, and Gasper with a hand over his face, leaving only his glowing, vampiric eyes visible like some supervillain. Meanwhile, Asia could only stand there confused.
"...Why does Gya-kun suddenly sound like Raiser-san..?"
—In conclusion, thanks to the undesired blood transfusion from Issei, Gasper was temporarily infected with his stupid for the next 12 hours. Needless to say, as a result of this, somehow, Gasper had complete and total control over every aspect of his abilities for that short period. Unfortunately however, Gasper had practically no memory of this the next day, meaning that he ultimately made virtually zero progress towards his goal anyway.
Part 3
The next day, it was time for the peace summit. After arriving at school, the ORC members (+Kalawarner and Mitlet for some reason)(-Konenko and Gasper), set off for the main school building, where the meeting was taking place.
"Ugh, why did I have to come?"
Freed Sellzen grumbled. Although he'd been forced to attend the summit, he refused to wear a school uniform like his fellow peerage members. Instead, he opted for sweatpants and a hoodie. Also, "crocs," or whatever the kids call them.
"Oh, it's not so bad, Freed-san. Don't you think it's nice to have everyone come together for the sake of peace?"
Asia attempted to reassure him, but he wasn't very receptive.
"Not if it means I have to run around talking to even more chicken or bat winged bastards everyday. I grew up used to everyone being at each other's throats. That was a lot simpler. I mean, it's all the same anyways…. A former saint like you might not get it. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't have become a devil."
"But Freed-san became a Devil too..?"
"Yeah, don't remind me. I'm currently regretting it as we speak."
"I'm not sure I understand…. Isn't it just better if everyone gets along anyway? That means we don't have to hate each other like before. E-Everyone can be friends! We can finally be equals!"
To that, Freed gained a distant look.
"Equals, you say…. "The same," huh… Well…"
Freed groaned again, grasping his head as if suffering from a headache.
"Ugh… Such a pain… Whatever. I'd still rather be at home playing Smash."
Unsurprisingly, Issei's stupidity exacerbated Freed's headache.
"Who are you smashing with? Bros?"
"...It's a different kind of smash, idiot."
"There's more than one entry?"
"It's a video game, dumbass."
"Yeah, obviously. What are you talking about?"
Freed scowled at Issei disgustedly.
"I swear your "stupid" makes me sick sometimes."
"It's contagious?"
"If it is, then you're the fucking BLACK PLAGUE!"
"Bubonic plague."
"FUCK YOU!"
"I can only do that with Ray's permission."
"DIE!"
"I don't think I can."
"UGH!"
"An exclamation of disgust, horror, or annoyance."
"—That's enough, you two. We're here."
Rias interrupted the exchange between the boys, which had devolved into Freed strangling Issei, who had no change in expression and didn't seem affected at all. Finally, the group stood before the double doors of the school's meeting room, where the summit was being held. Rias placed her hands on the doors and prepared herself.
"Let's go."
Dakun!
After entering the room, everyone took note of the set up. A large circular table was in the middle of the room, with the four most important figures being present there. On the sidelines, there were the representatives for each group. Sona Sitri and her peerage on the Devil's side, Irina Shidou on the Heaven's side, and Vali on the Fallen-Angel's side.
Scanning the room with uncharacteristically beady eyes, Issei found the target of his interest.
"Michael! My archnemesis!"
He exclaimed while pointing his finger.
"Hmm?"
But looking around, he seemed confused.
"Where's the gaming setup?"
To which, Michael—
"..."
—just continued smiling creepily, without responding…
"Oh, if it isn't Ise-kun. Good evening to you."
Sirzechs greeted Issei respectfully, to which you can assume what Issei's response was.
"Oh, hey, sis-con."
"Hahahaha, well, that's true."
With a sigh, I, Azazel, chided Sirzechs.
"For the love of dead God, Sirzechs, don't agree with him."
"Oh, hey, it's you, uh.."
Issei finally took note of the leader of the Fallen-Angels, Azazel. The single most charming, handsome, dashing, breathtaking—
"Asshole?"
"...That's not even close to my name."
"Oh, sorry, somebody had to stop your monologuing or we'd be here all night."
"What? How did you know I was.."
"Oh, hey, it's Saint Seya."
Issei said that in reference to Serafall Leviathan. (To this day, I have no idea how he did that..)
"Non, non, Sekiryuutei-chan! I am not a "saint!" I am Magical-girl Leviatan! If anything, Michael is closer to Saint Seya than I am!"
"No. You don't have a planet to represent. You're a faker."
Why is it only for such stupid reasons that he's ever wearing a serious expression?
"T-That can't be! Is that true, Sizechs-chan?!"
"I, uh, am not sure.. Perhaps it is?"
"No way! I'm a fake MagiGirl!? That can't be! I need to return home and study everything as soon as possible!"
I— Ahem, I mean, Azazel, sighed.
"Haah, can we just get to the meeting already?"
"I concur.."
With the agreement of the embarrassed Sona Sitri, the peace summit finally began. She and her group went on to explain the circumstances regarding Kokabiel and how it was resolved.
"That is all for our report."
"Thank you, Sona."
"Yaay, go, Sona-tan!"
Sirzechs smiled in what appeared to be amusement.
"Ha, so it really was Ise-kun who managed to defeat Kokabiel all on his own after all. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, all things considered. Still, I'm just glad that it didn't end in some sort of disaster. For a moment there, it was almost a dire situation."
"Yeah, well, either way, it would've ended up fine. Even if your idiot hadn't resolved the issue, I had already dispatched my own…moron, to intercept Kokabiel before he went too far."
Azazel pointed back in reference to the Hakuryuukou behind him. Just as he did so however, he sensed movement from her. For whatever reason, the girl inched closer to a small cabinet with a vase atop it. Slowly and sneakily, she took the vase and hid it behind herself. Without even turning around, Azazel ordered her.
"Vali, put that back."
"Put what back?"
"The vase."
"What vase?"
"That vase you stole."
"I don't steal things, you taught me better than that."
Azazel sighed deeply and rubbed his temples exhaustedly.
"Yes… Yes, I certainly did, didn't I..?"
Ignoring that, Azazel tried to move on.
"Anyway, like you said, it was all resolved. That guy's gone now so we won't need to worry about him. There aren't many in his regime who're left over either. We can move on from that. More importantly, we all agree to the terms of the peace treaty, right? If that's the case, we might as well not waste time and just sign it, right? That's what's best for everyone."
Azazel casually waved off the other's concerns. In contrast to his attitude, Michael questioned it.
"Well, we understand the terms. The real problem lies with the Sekiryuutei and the Hakuryuukou. How do they feel about peace?"
Everyone's gazes locked onto the two Heavenly Dragons, who both only had confused faces on.
" " Piece of what? " "
Of course, they said it in unison.
….
….
Fittingly, both Azazel and Raynare facepalmed in unison as well.
Azazel didn't elaborate, knowing that nothing he could say would allow Vali to understand. Rias, who had not as much experience, still made a futile attempt.
"Peace, Ise… As in, the opposite of war."
"Why would I want a piece of war?"
"No, honey, you wouldn't. That's the point. So just say you want peace, not war."
"But I don't want a piece of war. I don't want any of it."
"I know! So you just say that you want "peace!"
"Piece of what?"
"Piece of my mind, if you keep this up!"
"Oh, I mean, yeah. I definitely want peace of mind, so no war for me."
"Ugh.."
Azazel groaned internally, knowing what sort of answer to expect from his own dull dragon. Still, he asked exasperatedly.
"And what about you, Vali?"
"War? What is it good for?"
"Absolutely nothing."
"Oh, in that case, I don't care. As long as I can get a piece of him, I don't mind."
She said that while pointing at Issei, causing him to tilt his head confusedly.
"But I want to keep my legs."
"I don't want your legs, I want your d*ck."
"You can't have that. That belongs to Ray."
"Damn right it does!" (Background character noises.)
"Well, sharing is caring."
"That's true. I wanna stay uncut though so no."
"That's okay, I don't mind hoodies."
"But it's spring?"
"You'll be sprung."
"Impossible, I'm not in season. I like winter better anyway."
"Well, my wings have air conditioning so I don't mind summer either."
"They do? Can I have them?"
"Only if I can have your c*ck."
"Eh, I'm not in the mood for chicken. I could really go for some wings though.."
"Me too.."
As the two idiots began drooling simultaneously, Michael's creepy smile seemingly returned and he clapped his hands.
"Alright! So I assume that means you two agree then?"
The two looked straight at each other.
" "Do we?" "
They went quiet for a moment, then walked towards each other, meeting one another in the middle of the room. The tension surrounding them suggested something serious..
There, a back and forth started, with Issei being the lead.
"What's your favorite food? On three. Five… two, three.."
" "Cake." "
"—Least favorite food? Seven… Nine, Three.."
" "Tea." "
"—Wait, is tea even a food?"
"I don't know. Do you drink food and eat tea?"
"I don't, I hate tea."
"Me too. I like coffee though."
"I can't drink coffee. Mama banned me after I drank it once and didn't sleep for seven days. I just forgot how to close my eyes though. But the doctor still called me an insomniac."
"What a d*ck."
"No, doctor."
"D*cktor. Also, I need a prescription."
"I can't help with that."
"That's where you're wrong, bucko."
"What about your favorite game?"
" "Tekken." "
"Which one?"
"I can't remember, I'm bad with numbers."
"Me too. Also, my nemesis Michael from America refuses to rematch me."
"You fought him too?!"
At that moment, it was like a spark of lightning connected between the two idiots, causing them to align frequencies on the (retard) spectrum. Suddenly, they shook each other's hands and nodded in solidarity. Which then ended with them glaring at Michael the archangel.
Michael was unfazed.
"Well, it seems they do agree after all. Isn't that nice."
Again, the idiots stared at each other, with Vali tilting her head first.
"Does that mean we have to kiss now?"
"No?"
Issei turned to his group for confirmation, to which a bunch of girls from his side immediately started shaking their heads in response. He turned back to Vali.
"No."
"Aww.."
Settling that matter, they walked back to their sides. Azazel sighed once again.
"Good… Well, with that all being said, now we can finally move on to the treaty itself. So, does everyone agree?"
The leaders nodded, indicating that the terms were finally understood and settled.
"Alright, in that case, let's—"
—But just then, they felt chills. Something was fast approaching. Amongst those who sensed it were the leaders…
..And of course, Issei.
"Ah."
"What is it, babe?"
"—Whoops."
"Whoops?"
FREEZE!
Part 4
After a moment, Raynare and those around her blinked themselves out of their collective stupor.
"W...What happened?"
"Yeah, just now, something… It almost felt like.."
Sirzechs provided an explanation.
"You were all frozen for a moment there. Welcome back."
"We…were frozen? You mean… Gasper!"
Just as Rias and her group felt the shock of the revelation that had come to them, they heard a weak voice from right beside them.
"Y-Yes, buchou..?"
Instead of freezing literally, they froze figuratively upon realizing that Issei was standing there while holding Gasper's limp body by the collar. For some reason, Gasper's clothes were tattered and he seemed exhausted. Koneko was also standing beside him relatively unharmed, save for a couple rips in her uniform.
"Wha…? What happened?"
Rias asked in bewilderment. Issei answered as casually as he always does.
"You guys were frozen so I went to save gasper!"
Instead of saying Gasper's name, Issei audibly gasped and said "er." Oh, wait, I get it now. "Gasp-er." Wow. What a fucking moro—
"Save him..? Wait, how long were we frozen for?"
Issei started counting with his fingers, which he visibly struggled with.
"Uh… Um… 10… No, uh, 3 hours..?"
"Three hours?!"
The deadpan Koneko corrected Issei's mistake.
"It lasted 34 seconds."
"Oh, thank the dead god!"
As Rias breathed a sigh of relief, she questioned Gasper's condition.
"So what happened to Gasper? Was he attacked, Koneko?"
"They attacked us, but they were mainly aiming for me. I was able to protect Gya-kun with my body. They trapped us with their powers and used them on Gya-kun, but that's not why he looks like that."
"Oh, then why..?"
"Well.."
After crashing into the old school building from the sky, Issei stood before the magicians that held Koneko and Gasper captive. He noted their positions, with Gasper upright, and Koneko upside down, revealing her panties.
"Ohoho, this must be the Sekiryuutei who defeated the great Kokabiel that we've heard about. Greetings. We are magicians working with Khaos Brigade. Welcome to our trap. But too bad! You're too late! We've already—"
"—Turn him upside down."
The lead magician paused.
"...What?"
"The vampire. Turn him upside down."
"W…What? Why?"
"I need to confirm something."
Gasper, rightfully so, became quite fearful.
"Eeeeeeek! Issei-senpai is scary! He's looking at me with scary eyes!"
"Don't worry, it'll only take a second."
"Eeeeeeeeep! Noooooooo!"
The magicians couldn't help but sweatdrop.
"...Uh, ma'am… I can't help but feel that the vampire might actually be better off with us instead…"
"Y-Yeah…"
Rias facepalmed while looking up at the ceiling above them, which had a gigantic hole in it.
"Ugh… Well, at least you two are safe, I guess… Or, one of you is.."
Issei gave a thumbs up.
"I've confirmed what I needed to know."
"Uweeeh, Buchou… My innocence.."
Raynare tapped Issei on the shoulder.
"Babe, remember, next time, you need to ask for consent."
"Oh, right. Gasper, do I have your consent?"
"No, babe, before you do anything. Remember? Not after."
Issei paused.
"Shit."
"Well, at least you got a solid answer. So what's the conclusion on him-her?"
To that, Issei shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't know."
"You took my innocence just for that?!"
"Only a lousy excuse for a vampire needs "innocence."
"That's victim blaming, babe."
"Oh right. Sorry, Casper."
"Just sorry?! Give me back my innocence!"
Rumble!
A quake shook the building, causing everyone to walk towards the windows and observe the area outside the new school building. Looking up at the sky, hundreds of magic circles were surrounding the entire academy's air space. The attack by the "Khaos Brigade" had begun.
"So they're planning to disrupt the peace talks, are they? How uncouth."
"They're probably trying to keep the tensions high between us because it benefits them. And if that's the case, then it's likely the Old-Maou Faction that's behind it."
As the leaders were discussing what was occurring, Issei stepped up from the side and asked casually.
"Want me to go stop them?"
"I can go too."
Unsurprisingly, Vali mirrored his action. Sirzechs shook his head.
"No, not yet. I'm sure you're quite strong, Ise-kun, but we should wait. We should consider our options first."
Unfortunately for Sizechs, his idea was quickly dismissed, not by his allies, but instead by an enemy who appeared in the middle of the room with a bright flash.
Shiiiiin!
"Good evening, Devil-king fakers."
"That voice.."
"Watch out!"
Just as the silhouette appeared, they raised their staff and unleashed an explosive attack, causing the entire main school building to be destroyed.
Boooooooooooooom!
….
Moments of silence passed as the smoke cleared. Raynare and the rest of the ORC opened their eyes to realize that they were obscured by darkness. Or more accurately, they were being covered. When Mitlet reached out to touch the barrier of "skin" in front of her, she flinched at the texture.
"Are these…scales..?"
["That tickles."]
"WAAH!"
Pulling back, she realized that it was actually a large wingspan. After a moment of confusion, it was made clear what protected them when the wingspan spread apart. All around them was rubble, indicating that the main school building was flattened. But that wasn't the most noticeable thing in the environment. No, that was probably the creature that just spoke up with a bellowing voice that rattled everyone's ear drums.
"Oh.. Ryuchin, is that you?"
It was the 30 meter tall red dragon that towered over everyone who stood out the most.
["Yeah, it's me."]
"Why did you turn into the dragon..?"
["My normal wings weren't enough to protect everybody, so I transformed."]
"Oh… Thanks…"
["You guys look like squirrels."]
The leaders, or everyone for the most part, stared up at the dragon form in amazement.
"Hoh, so this is what it looks like up close. I must admit, Ise-kun, it's pretty intimidating. It's no wonder Raiser was so afraid of you during your fight."
"Heeeeh, so this guy can transform into a dragon too. Vali did this once so I can't say that I'm that shocked. As a full human, though, that's…something."
"Oh, Father in Heaven… I can't say I miss seeing this form."
Out of everyone, it was Vali, who walked up to Issei's underbelly, that appeared the most interested.
"...Do you have one in this form?"
["Have what?"]
Raynare pushed Vali away with a hand to her face and snapped her fingers.
"Okay, babe, that's enough. Come back down."
["Okay."]
Foooooooooooooom!
With a quick burst of flames that didn't seem to harm anyone, Issei returned to his human form, albeit, without clothes.
"Oh, thank goodness, you have one in this form at least."
Again, Raynare pushed Vali away and used her magic to craft Issei some clothing. After that, Issei pointed ahead of everyone to the person staring at them.
"Who's that lady?"
Everyone turned around and finally laid eyes on the person who had destroyed the main school building. The boss of this operation. A busty vixen with a long ponytail. Someone that the four leaders, and most especially, Serafall Leviathan recognized.
"Cattleya Leviathan!"
"Cattleya-chan!"
They delivered a shocked impression to the realization, expecting an introduction by the enemy or an opening to a villainous speech. However..
"G…ah…"
—Cattleya Leviathan was standing there with her mouth agape and skin as pale as a ghost's. All in all, she appeared to be in an actual state of shock.
"...Um, Cattleya-chan..?"
"Whoops. I think Ise-kun might've broken her."
"Can't blame her. Not everyday you see something like that. Look, even the poor magicians in the sky aren't moving. You'd think they were the ones who got frozen in time."
Inexplicably, Issei picked up a piece of rubble the size of a rock and threw it straight at Cattleya.
Bonk!
It bounced off the woman's forehead, but she gave no reaction to it, remaining still as a statue.
"Oh, let me try."
Vali did the same thing and picked up a slightly larger piece, throwing it like a pitcher and landing a precise hit…to the back of Cattleya's throat.
Shwoop!
"KA—!"
From there, Cattleya began making harsh choking sounds and moving around frantically, smacking the back of her throat.
"Bulls-throat!"
"You mean, Bullseye?"
"No, it was her throat."
"Oh, I guess that's true. Why did you aim there?"
"I always aim for the throat."
"Like sexually or fight wise?"
"Yes."
Finally, after a harsh slam of her own staff's end into her abdomen, Cattleya dislodged the piece of debris from her throat and heaved rapidly whilst on her knees.
"Haaah! Haah! Who..! Haah! In Satan's name..! Haah! Threw that..?!"
Of course, both Issei and Vali mirrored each other by pointing their fingers to the side, at each other.
" "S/He did it." "
Cattleya made an ugly face, as if disgusted by this seemingly "random" display of stupidity. Too bad for her, she had no idea what was to come…
"Cattleya Leviathan. Have you come to disrupt the peace talks between the Three-powers?"
Internally, Cattleya was grateful for the return to normalcy by Michael's question.
"Ahem. —Yes, that's right, Archangel of Heaven. I, as well as my allies, have come to make sure that this "peace treaty" between the Three-powers isn't established."
"Why are you doing this, Cattleya-chan?!"
To Serafall's question, Cattleya scoffed frustratedly.
"Hmph. Serafall. Have you enjoyed playing the part of "Leviathan" in my stead? You faker. I will take back that name you stole and maimed with shame!"
"What? But I just…"
"Silence! I don't want to hear it from you! You and the rest of your fake gaggle of pretenders! We'll take back the Underworld by force and establish dominance over the other powers again! We'll reform this decayed world in our own image!"
"—You're from the land down under?"
Issei's stupid question interrupted Cattleya's passionate speech, causing a tick mark to appear on her head.
"...It's called the Underworld, you simpleton."
"That's what I just said."
She emphasized it in an angrier tone.
"I am from the Underworld, yes."
"Ew, she's Australian."
…..
…..
Only the sudden laughter of Sirzechs Lucifer broke the uncomfortable silence.
"Hahahaha! You really are such a comedian, Ise-kun. I can't get enough of it."
Azazel sweatdropped.
"No, well… He isn't joking. Neither of those two are."
To that, Sirzechs went quiet. Gradually, second by second, his smiling face shifted into a face that could only be described as "one of those extremely detailed faces drawn during an awful realization in a horror manga."
"...He.…. He's not…?"
"You seriously didn't know?!"
In the middle of all this, Cattleya made an expression of repulsion that couldn't be understated.
"...And here I thought that I'd seen the true form of the Red Dragon Emperor for a moment, but surely that was my imagination… There's no possible way a Neanderthal of this caliber could produce a form like that…. I should've known my mind was playing tricks on me. No matter. Even if that was the case somehow, I'm still going to defeat you all here, by myself—"
"—Are you the final boss?"
Once again, Cattleya's speech was interrupted by the trademark idiot. Her anger, as a result, was only growing stronger. Of course, that went ignored by the idiot and his twin.
"No, she's more like a mini-boss. The final boss is way stronger."
"Who's the final boss then?"
"Big mama."
"You mean "Big Boss?"
"Is Big Boss a snake?"
"Sort of?"
"Okay, then yes. Also, she's not very big. She's more like a loli."
"Like the 5,000 year old type or the real type?"
"What's the difference?"
"One is illegal."
"Oh, well, she's definitely "against the law."
"Gross."
"What a thrill~"
"No, that's snake-eater."
"She is the snake-eater. She's Ouroboros—"
"—SHUT UP!"
Cattleya finally blew up after all. Her head was red as can be, and her nostrils were practically fuming steam.
"YOU TWO! YOU..! YOU ABSOLUTE BRAINDEAD, BACKWARDS-ASS, MYOPIC, REPROBATES! HOW DARE YOU! YOUR VERY EXISTENCES ARE LIKE A BLACK PLAGUE OF BUFFOONERY! I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT SUCH LOW FUNCTIONING, MOUTH BREATHING LIFE-FORMS COULD EVER POSSESS THE LEGENDARY DRAGONS WHO EVEN STRUCK FEAR INTO GODS! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! NO, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! THERE'S SIMPLY NO WAY! EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS AN INSULT TO THE HEAVENLY DRAGONS AND THEIR KIND! SO WHY DON'T YOU DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND SHUT UP AND NEVER SPEAK AGAIN!"
Again, there was silence, with only Cattleya's heavy breathing to break it. Well, at least for a while.
[Aaah… It feels cathartic, doesn't it, Albion? To hear it from the outside… It's almost like therapy, no..?]
[ Yes, my rival… It certainly calms my nerves… To be reminded that we aren't the crazy ones after all… It soothes my spirit… ]
[I know what you mean…. Well, it's nice while it lasts.]
[ Yes… Nice while it lasted… ]
Cattleya, taken aback by the sudden appearance of the Welsh dragon and Vanishing dragon's voices, paused.
"Huh? That now… Was that..?"
Unfortunately for her and the dragons themselves, just as they stated, moments like these often don't last. At all.
"—Get her."
That was all Issei said before both he and Vali appeared behind Cattleya in a flash.
Zip!
"...Eh?"
The next moment, Issei casually karate chopped the top of Cattleya's head, causing her legs to drill into the ground and create a crater around the three, the attack effectively knocking her out cold.
DOOONN!
After a few seconds, she fell flat on her face into the ground. And again, the silence returned.
…..
…..
…..
"Ugh…"
Unfortunately for herself, Cattleya was able to regain consciousness. But she wasn't able to get up. Because the moment she started moving, Issei and his twin began their simultaneous (blank-faced) assault of stomping (Issei) and punching (Vali.)
In other words, they "jumped" her before she could even finish a sentence.
Stomp! Punch, punch, punch! Stomp!
"ACK—! HELP—!"
Punch, punch! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
"SOMEONE—! HELP ME—! AGH—! OOF—!"
Stomp! Stomp! Punch, punch, punch, punch!
"PLEASE—! STOP—! UGH—! STOP, PLEASE—! HEEEELP!"
"Wait, let her get up."
At Issei's command, the two stopped. Cattleya, probably more weakly than she'd ever tried before, struggled to bring herself onto all fours.
"Ugh… Why did you.."
Then Vali pulled a vase out of basically nowhere and smashed it on top of Cattleya's head, causing her to fall flat on her face again.
Break!
"Oof!"
…..
Issei looked at Vali curiously.
"Where'd you get a vase from?"
"I stole it."
"You know, you shouldn't steal things."
"I know."
For a moment, they said nothing. Then Vali looked at Issei curiously.
"Do we kiss now?"
"No? Wait.."
For some reason, Issei looked down at Cattleya and then to his surroundings. He appeared to be thinking seriously. He looked at his group that was a bit aways from him.
"Do we kiss now?"
Just like before, a bunch of girls from his group shouted in unified protest.
[ "NO!" ]
"Oh. No."
"Aww, man.."
In response to Vali's disappointment, Issei pulled out a chocolate treat from his pocket.
"Here, you can have this."
"Oh, a kiss."
"I just said no."
OOOOOHHMMM!
Suddenly, a powerful aura exploded from in between Vali and Issei. It was Cattleya.
"—HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FOOLS! YOU SHOULD'VE FINISHED ME OFF WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE! NOW, FEEL THE POWER OF A DESCENDANT OF THE TRUE DEVIL-KING!"
Using an abnormal amount of aura, even for a Devil-king descendant, Cattleya took to the skies and attacked the twin morons below her. To Vali, she fired a volley of demonic magic attacks, and to Issei, she blasted a wave of her pure aura. Both of them were engulfed by the respective attacks.
"Ise!"
Although Rias shouted in fear for the lovable idiot, her Fallen-Angel allies appeared particularly unfazed. It was the same for the handsome devil— er, guy, Azazel. Rias questioned their relaxed attitudes.
"Raynare! What's with you? Aren't you worried about Ise at all?"
"You know, princess, you'd think you get the idea at this point that my baby is untouchable."
"Yes, but…! Don't you see those attacks?! This is no ordinary opponent, this is the descendant of the original Maou! They're on a completely different level than Kokabiel! Right, Azazel?"
Azazel rubbed the back of his neck casually.
"Well, that's true. I probably would've placed Kokabiel above her ilk under normal circumstances. However, for whatever reason, she seems pretty powered up right now. That isn't the regular amount of aura, even for a Devil-king descendant. I wonder…"
"Well, aren't you worried about Vali, at least?"
Azazel sighed, as if it was somewhat troubling to admit.
"Honestly, speaking… Nope. Not even a little bit."
Just as he finished saying that, the maniacal laughter of Cattleya came to an abrupt halt.
"HAHAHAHAHA! Take that, Heavenly Dragons! You might've been lucky enough to catch me off guard before, but it looks like you really were just a pair of imbeciles—"
Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Suddenly, Cattleya heard an odd sound. It was something that resembled the sound of a vacuum sucking up dust. When she looked closer at the two separate torrents of power down below, she noticed that one of them was decreasing in size, while the other was changing shape. The one from which a sucking sound was being produced was the attack on Vali, which was seemingly shrinking further down in size. But no, she noticed after a moment that it wasn't that the pillar of magical energy was shrinking, rather it was disappearing entirely into a vortex.
"What is this?! A black hole?! No, that's not possible! Can it be?! The Vanishing Dragon's power, the ability to "Divide" attacks into nothing, the Divine Dividing!?"
All things considered, she wasn't making an absurd assumption. Under normal circumstances, it would be the most reasonable explanation. However, she seemingly failed to consider that the two beings she was dealing with currently…can really be defined as anything but normal.
Suuuuuuu!
"No, wait… This is!"
Suuuuuuu!
"She's…!?"
Suuuuuu!
"She's…."
Suuuu!
"...You're joking, right?"
—Unsurprisingly, Vali was sucking up all the different magical attacks engulfing her, straight into her mouth…
Sssuuupp!
And finally, after she was done…
"..burp!"
She burped out a puff of smoke… Issei, who was engulfed by pure unadulterated Devil aura, on the other hand…
Gogogogogo…
Without even needing to do anything, the aura started to morph into a different shape around Issei. In fact, it appeared as if the aura wasn't harming him at all, but instead reforming itself to cloak parts of his body.
"What is…?"
Cattleya was even more confused with what she was seeing with Issei, which she wasn't alone on. Pretty much everyone had no idea what was going on with him. For whatever inexplicable reason, the aura had not only refused to harm him, but had now finally taken shape to resemble…a giant snake. A giant snake that wrapped itself "X" style around the boy's entire torso like a vest, but with the head of the snake looping around to bite onto its tail end laid on Issei's chest.
"That's…"
Sirzechs uttered it in amazement.
"The Ouroboros…?"
Indeed, the aura took on the shape of the legendary symbol of "the Infinite." A snake devouring its own tail, wrapped around the bone-headed Red Dragon Emperor like some sort of protector. What this meant…we still didn't know at that time.
As for "now," or then, despite everyone's collective shock and awe (and confusion), Issei didn't appear bothered. In fact, considering the fact that he was now lifting his arms and flexing his biceps in classic knucklehead fashion, he seemed quite content.
"Power armor."
"Ooooh. Wow."
Of course, his twin idiot clapped at the display like some kid watching their favorite "Tokusatsu," while still maintaining the signature emotionless expression.
"Hahahaha! Power armor, he said! Kuku, I knew it. Ise-kun really is a big jokester after all. I should've known you were just messing with me, Azazel. Of course. I mean, just look at him. No one is that stupid."
That's what Sirzechs said while wiping a tear from his eye… Azazel couldn't help but place a hand on the shoulder of his newly established ally and look at him with an expression of pity.
'No doubt, he's coping… But oh well, I suppose. If it keeps him from losing his sanity, maybe it's for the best. Unlike Michael and I, Sirzechs isn't a being that's been in existence since nearly the beginning of time, so his resilience probably isn't as high as ours. That's why, it's probably for the best not to take this from him.. Yeah, I'll just leave him be…'
Azazel patted the confused Sirzechs on the shoulder in a comforting manner without saying anything. Rias sighed and rubbed her forehead.
"Ugh… You're right. I shouldn't have worried. At all."
"Still, I do wonder why that power is concentrated like that.."
Michael questioned it while rubbing his chin. Cattleya echoed his sentiment by yelling at the boy frustratedly.
"You! You stupid blockhead! How did you do that?! How are you doing that?!"
To no one's surprise, Issei shrugged.
"I don't know. I didn't really do anything."
"Bullshit! You're telling me that the power of the legendary dragon-god, Ophis, the Ouroboros Dragon, just decided to do that on its own?!"
"I guess? I definitely wasn't the one who did it."
"Yeah, me neither."
"Shut up, Hakuryuukou! No one was asking you! How did you even survive my magical attacks?!"
"I can eat demonic power."
"Oh, cool. I can eat flames."
"I love you."
"What?"
"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! Especially you, Vali! As a matter of fact, what the hell are you even doing?! You're supposed to be my ally and yet all you've done is attack me and support the enemy team!"
[—!?]
Just then, Cattleya revealed something shocking.
"What?! Vali is the traitor?!"
"It can't be! She's an idiot! She wouldn't even know there was a bad side!"
As the Three-powers alliance members announced their collective shock, Issei asked Vali casually.
"You're working with these guys?"
Vali paused.
"Ah."
She smacked her open palm with her fist.
"Oh yeah. —I forgot."
Is it even necessary to say that almost no one was surprised by that? Well, almost.
"Are you kidding me?! You forgot?! That's why you attacked me?!"
"Yeah."
"I truly despise you."
"Sorry, but I don't swing that way. I do like girls though."
"Newsflash, dullard, that means you swing that way."
"Oh… I didn't know it meant that."
"What in the hell else could it mean?"
"I thought it meant you weren't into old hags. You know, like you."
"EXCUSE ME?!"
"Gesundheit."
"—Wait."
Issei interjected with a rare expression of seriousness.
"Vali."
"Yeah?"
"You said you work with these guys, right?"
"Yeah."
"You know these guys are the bad guys, right?"
Issei said that while pointing up at the legions of magicians up in the sky. Vali paused. Then, her face became worried.
"...They are?"
Issei nodded.
She looked up at the magicians above and shouted loudly.
"Hey! Are you guys the bad guys?"
For a moment, the magicians just looked around at each other. Until one of them answered.
"Y…. No…"
"Are you sure?"
"...Yes.."
Vali turned back to Issei blankly.
"See? They're the good guys. You guys are the bad guys."
"What? No, we're…"
Then, Issei made a shocked expression.
"...We are?"
When he looked over at his allies, however…
[ " NO! " ]
Literally every single person on the Three-powers side, including the leaders, shouted back at the top of their lungs.
"See? We're the good guys."
"But I have more people on my side."
"Yeah, but we have more main characters."
At that moment, it looked like Vali came to a realization.
"...You're right."
She then turned to Cattleya and announced it in a normal tone.
"Sorry, Cattleya. It might be hard for you to hear this, but I'm switching sides."
"I don't give a shit, just die."
In contrast to Cattleya, her allies in the sky all collectively announced their own disappointment in unison.
[ " FUCK! " ]
A couple dozen of them even threw up their arms and straight up left.
"Goddammit! Alright, I'm outta here."
"Same, I'm not staying for this ass whooping. I'd rather go back to work."
"Man, first the Role-play at the abandoned church gets canceled, and now this? Fuck it, I'm going to D&D."
"Fantasy sucks. I'm going back to Sci-fi."
Azazel shouted at the magicians in the sky.
"If you're lookin' for Sci-fi, Grigori always has spots open at the high-tech testing facilities!"
As if it couldn't get any stupider, some of the magicians actually took Azazel up on that and he even started handing out business cards to them.
"Just to let you know, some of the tests might be somewhat, extremely deadly and invasive."
"Eh, as long as there's no probing."
"No promises."
Cattleya, who was so red in the face that she looked like a literal tomato, had finally reached the limit of her patience. So, she exploded.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
In fact, she exploded so badly that...she was just straight up crying.
"AAAAAAAAAAAH, MOOOOOOOUU! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMOOOOOOORE! IT'S SO UNFAIR! UNFAIR, UNFAIR, UNFAIR, UNFAAAAAIR! IT'S ALL SO STUPID! EVERYONE IS SO, SO STUPID! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUUUUUUUUPIIIIIDDD! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Like a child, she fell out of the sky and landed on her bum, crying and kicking her feet while flailing her arms around.
"Wow…. Looks like they finally broke her."
Rias looked at the woman with pity, but Freed was deadpanned.
"I'm just surprised it took that long, to be honest."
Azazel shook his head, sighing for the thousandth time that day.
"Well, it's to be expected, I suppose. It was only a matter of time. Even I feel like doing that sometimes. You learn to grow numb to it though. For the most part…. Anyway, what about the rest of you, then?"
Azazel asked the remaining majority of magicians in the sky. They seemed confused, discussing amongst themselves. Until one of them finally spoke up for all of them.
"We'll fight! I guess.."
Azazel shook his head again.
"That's too bad. I suppose it's the "we've come too far" mentality. Oh well then. In that case, we might as well have our guys eliminate them."
With Azazel's conclusion, Raynare volunteered her own suggestion.
"Allow me, Azazel-sama. —Ahem. Babe!"
She shouted at Issei from across the aisle to grab his attention.
"Yeah?"
"If you beat up all these guys, I'll serve you the best cake you've ever had in your life when we get home!"
"Like sex cake or cake cake?"
"Yes!"
Issei suddenly wore his best war-face and spoke in a "badass action-hero" voice out of nowhere.
"Roger that."
Vali asked curiously from the sidelines.
"Can I have some?"
"I don't know. Ask Ray."
"Okay. Can I have some?"
"No!"
Raynare thought it over for a moment.
"Actually, wait… Hmm… I mean, she's got a pretty nice face. Good figure too…"
Rias put her face in her hands and joined in on the tradition of sighing deeply for the umpteenth time.
"Ugh… This is my life now… A hell the likes of which has never been seen."
"Hahaha, I wouldn't go that far, Ria-tan. You have to admit, it can be quite entertaining in its own right."
"Please, shut up, Onii-sama."
"Don't you mean Oni-sama?"
"I will disown you."
As soon as that interaction ended, the legion of magicians restarted their assault, blasting countless magical attacks down at the allies down below, who defended themselves through a barrier set by the leaders. Their own allied forces also clashed with them.
"Welp, looks like it's started. Might as well give your idiot boyfriend the signal now, Raynare. It's really too bad. If only they'd disbanded—"
"—Finally."
"Eh? Finally?"
Azazel was confused as to who whispered that in such a bizarre tone, only to see Michael step in front of him and walk straight out of the barrier.
"Michael? What are you doing?"
"Azazel, Sirzechs. Recall your forces. Now, if you would."
Although Sirzechs and Azazel were confused, they gave the order anyway. As a result, all of the enemy's focus was left to Michael, who protected himself effortlessly with an invisible barrier without even lifting his hands. His body was also emitting an aura that could make your skin crawl..
"In all honesty, I'm glad. I'd had quite enough of all this for today…"
Just then, Michael spread his wings fully, causing a brief flash of light to come out. He was facing away from everyone else, aiming only at the human magicians. Dead god only knows what they could've seen in that moment that caused them all to stop and stay in place, but considering the historical portrayals of Angels like Michael in the Bible… (Well, uh, it's a form I haven't seen in a long time. But let's just say that normal humans don't take to it very well..)
—So, while those magicians all hovered in place, not moving a muscle, Michael created a holy-magic circle of such massive size that it almost encapsulated the entire academy grounds ahead of him. It was certainly enough to cover the ground below all of the magicians. 'Oh, I know that attack…' is what Azazel thought morbidly.
He and Sirzechs shared one last weary look at each other, silently understanding that the only reason they complied with Michael's demands was because he was wearing the creepiest smile they'd ever seen— and also knowing exactly what it meant was about to happen.
《"Well, then… I suppose it's time for [Judgement.]"》
Michael lifted his arm and began "forming a cross" catholic style with his hand, as if blessing the open air. Just then, the holy-magic circle started to brighten.
《"But Be Not Afraid. —We Angels, Servants of Heaven and of The Divine, shall receive your spirits to Paradise gratefully. Blessed Be."》
It was once he brought his hand the final time that it happened.
《"Amen."》
—And just like that, the entire academy was swallowed by a blinding light as powerful as the sun.
Part 5
It must've been a couple minutes later that everyone regained their bearings. Needless to say, the enemy forces were completely wiped away from the earth. The only traces left were some, um…"shadows" left on some of the surrounding environment.
Anyway, putting that surreally morbid detail aside, everyone on the Three-powers side was alright. Michael limited his power to only target the enemies, and the other 3 leaders focused their power on strengthening the defensive barrier to reduce holy damage as much as possible. Their hands even got a little "sunburnt," for lack of a better term. But otherwise, everyone was safe.
In fact, shockingly enough, even Cattleya herself survived. However, it was seemingly only thanks to the pair of dummies who protected her by covering her in their wing spans. To which, she was obviously confused.
"...Y-You protected me..? Why…?"
Issei and Vali looked at each other, then simultaneously shrugged.
"I forgot you were our enemy."
"I forgot I switched sides."
In response to that, Cattleya simply said…
"Oh… I see.."
Ah, looks like they really did break her after all. Just like Azazel said earlier, you really need to grow numb to it at some point. Cattleya is clearly past the point of being capable of questioning it. She's better off maintaining her sanity without questioning it at all, honestly.
Michael, who was in the middle of the scorched earth, turned around wearing his regular smile again.
"Ah, that's better. Divine Judgement has been delivered. Now, is there anything else we need to discuss?"
He was clearly asking his other newfound allies, to which they collectively shook their heads awkwardly in response.
"Uh, no, Michael… I think that's all."
"Oh, good then. In that case, I must return to Heaven at once. We'll be receiving a volley of new souls right about now, and they'll need me there to explain everything. So, if you would, please excuse me."
Michael excused himself and prepared himself to leave at once. But before he could, someone in particular called out to him.
"Michael!"
"Hmm?"
Michael made the mistake of acknowledging the serious-faced idiot standing behind him.
"When are we gonna have our rematch?"
And beside him was the other one.
"Rematches."
To which, Michael….
"..."
Shiiiiiin!
…disappeared in a flash of light, never once changing expression. Although, it felt as if there was a scary undertone present underneath his smile, just for a moment before he left.
With a sigh, Azazel addressed the others around him.
"Well, great. Looks like that's all settled now. Sirzechs, you think you and your guys can handle fixing up the place?"
"Huh? Oh, right. Yes, we should be fine. Thank you for asking."
"Uh-huh, likewise, thanks for all your hard work, everyone. If that's all, I might as well head home myself."
"Very well. Safe travels."
"Uh-huh, you too."
Azazel waved his new allies goodbye and approached the duo of morons.
"Vali? What about you? You coming back home?"
Vali looked at Issei with a blank stare, which he returned.
"Can I go to your house?"
"I don't know. Ask Mama. It's up to her."
"Does she usually let friends come over twice?"
"Yeah. Are we friends though?"
"I sure hope so. With benefits, that is."
"Do friends usually come with benefits?"
"This one sure does."
Azazel asked Issei just to be sure.
"You don't have a problem with Vali being around you, do you, Hyoudou Issei?"
Maybe out of a sense of parental concern, but that's what Azazel felt compelled to inquire. Issei simply shrugged.
"I don't really mind. She already stayed at my house once. It's just up to Mama if she stays longer or not."
Subtly, Azazel smirked.
"I see. In that case, I'll leave her to you. Good luck, you two. If anything goes wrong, my door is still open."
Azazel walked off after giving them a wave. Internally, he felt a sense of relief.
'That girl might be the world's most troublesome imbecile, but still… She's been alone for the longest time. Maybe now, she can finally have someone to really relate to.'
Azazel took one last look back as a magic circle spawned beneath his feet. The blank-faced resemblance between the duo's demeanor was uncanny…. Scratch that, it was probably the single most concerning (unnerving) thing he'd ever witnessed. So, of course, he teleported away with a nervous smile.
"...Dead god help us all…"
Shiiin!
Just like that, he was gone in a flash. Finally, Issei's group reunited with him.
"Ise."
"Babe."
"Oh, hey."
"Ready to go home yet, babe?"
To Raynare's question, Issei looked over at Vali. She asked him very casually.
"Wanna have a go before we leave?"
"For what?"
"For fun."
"Like sex or fighting?"
"Yes."
"But I didn't consent to that."
"That's okay. I did."
"You can't just r*pe people, that's illegal."
"I live on the edge. Or do I live while edging? One of those."
"Uh, I need an adult?"
"I am an adult."
"No, neither of us are."
"Exactly. Which means it's legal."
Issei paused, as if he had an epiphany.
"...She's right.."
"No the fuck she is not!" (Background character noises ×2)
Ignoring Rias, Issei glanced over at his girlfriend Raynare, causing her to sigh.
"Do what you gotta do, babe."
Issei nodded and faced Vali.
"Okay, let's do it."
"Cool. On the count of three."
"Okay."
"...Seven.."
—Issei "one-punch man-ed" Vali right in the face unexpectedly, causing her to fly 10 meters away. Unfazed, the girl sat up with a bloody nose.
"Whoops. Sorry. I'm not good with countdowns."
"No, it's okay. I actually didn't know which number came next."
"By the way, is your nose bleeding because you're turned on or because I hit you?"
"Yes."
Raynare sighed heavily.
"Alright, you dunderheads, just leave it at that, will ya? Clearly, there's no point in you two even fighting. Just settle your rivalry in that Tekken game or something, whatever you call it."
Just then, imaginary lightning appeared and struck both of the idiots in the head, as if they'd just stumbled upon a grand revelation like no other.
Standing up and dusting herself off, Vali, as has become the pattern, mirrored her rival's speech. They both spoke in dead serious tones.
"Ddraig… I've found it.."
"Albion, I've found it.."
Of course, they stated it in unison.
" "The method 0f discovering which of the Heavenly Dragons is truly superior. The perfect way to settle our rivalry…forever. " "
…..
…..
The rarely heard voice of Albion came out from Vali's glowing wings. In the most frank but respectful way of describing it…. His voice came out sounding like a mental patient having a psychotic breakdown..
[ Ah... Ah. No. No, I can't… I can't take it. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! —AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! LET ME OOOOOOOUUUUUUT! HEEEEEEEELP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! ]
[ALBION! MY RIVAL! IT'S ALRIGHT! IT'S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT! WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER! CALM YOURSELF! WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS! WE ARE THE HEAVENLY DRAGONS OF LEGEND! WE CAN MAKE IT! WE ARE STRONG! YOU ARE STRONG! DON'T GIVE IN! STAY STRONG, MY BROTHER IN ARMS!]
"Dang, he's loud. He's hurting my ears."
"Yeah, his voice is in my head. It hurts way more over here."
[SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP AND DON'T SPEAK AGAIN UNLESS SPOKEN TO! DON'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING YOU'VE CAUSED MY FRIEND!? HOLD YOUR BRAINLESS COMMENTS AND STUPID THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF UNTIL HE'S CALMED DOWN! AS A MATTER OF FACT, DON'T EVEN MAKE A SOUND UNTIL HE'S FULLY RECOVERED FROM HIS TRAUMA!]
"But that'll take forever."
[THEN FOREVER IT WILL BE ! ! !]
From behind the duo of stupidity, the rest of the group was already preparing to leave by magic circle.
"Ya know what, they can walk."
Shiiiiin!
—And just like that, the day had concluded. The conflict involving the Three-powers peace summit and "Khaos Brigade" ended just as unceremoniously as it began. A moment of silence for all of the possible tension and drama that would've survived, if not for being brutally murdered by a pair of idiots the likes of which the world has never seen before.
….
"Hey, uh…. What about me..? Is someone going to arrest me? Can I go home?"
Ugh..
《Uncle Azazel, how do you keep knowing about all of the parts you weren't present for?》
《For the last time, I'm your grandpa. Second, stop asking questions that you're afraid to hear the answers to.》
《I've heard worse.》
《Ya know what, being the only child by those two idiots, I believe you. But I don't care. Ask your siblings.》
《Che, stingy.》
One Day Later..
"Ugh, I can't believe Mama agreed to let that dumbass stay here."
"Is there a specific one you're referring to, Mitlet?"
"Haha, very funny, Kala."
Mitlet sighed.
"Great… Now, we have to deal with an idiot we don't love. And on top of that, that damn princess said that even more girls are gonna be living here starting next week!? What did we do to deserve this?!"
"It is concerning. Soon, we'll be outnumbered."
Mitlet grumbled as Kalawarner scrubbed her back. The two were bathing in the large, extravagantly designed bathhouse in their newly renovated home. Of course, the two weren't alone. In fact, almost all of the residents of the household began to funnel into the bathhouse with their own towels, ready to bathe. Mitlet sighed.
"Ah, great. Speak of the half-devil.."
"Half-Lucifer, no less."
Just as Mitlet said, Vali, along with Issei, Raynare, Rias, and Asia, entered the bathhouse. Yes, that's right. The mother of the Hyoudou residence had indeed approved of Vali's stay, much to Mitlet's (everyone's) dismay.
If you're wondering as to the reasoning, well…
(Flashback noises..!)
"Oh, Vali-chan! You're back! Are you going to stay with us again?"
"Can I?"
"Of course! Any of my son's beautiful friends are welcome in my home!"
"Can I stay forever?"
"Oh? Forever, you say..? What brought this on? Is…something going on at home, sweetie?"
"No."
She pointed at Issei and stated it very casually.
"I'm just in love with him."
The rest of the residents would've been surprised by her bold declaration, if not for the fact that they knew she was only so open because she was an idiot.
"Oh! Oh, my! My, oh my! Did you hear that, Otou-san! Our son has brought home another wife! At this rate, we're going to be drowning in grandchildren!"
"How can you "drown in grandchildren?" Aren't they made out of flesh and bone?"
"Oh! Oh, oh, OH! Otou-san! They're perfect for each other! I can't believe it! It's a nightmare come true! It's a match made in heaven!"
"Actually, hell—"
"—Shh, shh. You're one of my angels now too, so no more of that. Okay?"
"Okay."
And that was the basic gist of it. Mitlet groaned frustratedly again as everyone started taking their places to wash their bodies. However, as Vali and Issei removed their towels, Vali froze. Uncharacteristically, she made a horrified face.
"Wha…"
She pointed at Raynare and Rias, or more specifically, at their crotches.
"Y-You're things! They're gone!?"
….
….
"What?"
That was all Rias uttered in response as everyone stood silent in response. Out of panic, Vali bolted out of that bathhouse and ran all the way downstairs. Three floors down, she found herself in the main kitchen hall, where she yelled out for Mama Hyoudou.
"Mama! Mama!"
"Ah!"
Mama Hyoudou was startled by Vali's sudden appearance, causing her to drop one of the apples she was peeling for family snack-time. She placed a hand over her chest and caught her breath.
"Oh, Vali-chan.. Don't startle me like that. Mama is an old lady, you know? It's not good for my heart.."
"Mama! Something terrible happened!"
Naturally, Mama Hyoudou became worried after hearing that.
"What?! What's going on?! What happened?! Where's the rest of my babies?!"
"It's the girls, Mama!" They..! They—!"
"They what?! What happened, Vali-chan?!"
Then, she finally spit it out.
"Their weenies fell off!"
"..."
For a moment, Mama Hyoudou said nothing.
"Mama?"
"Huh? Oh, sorry, honey… I uh… I was just having Deja vu for a second there... Whew."
Making a relieved sigh, Mama Hyoudou composed herself again.
"Ahem. —Actually, sweetie, that's completely normal. Girls don't usually have those."
"What?! But even I have one!"
"No, you don't, honey."
Vali looked down at her exposed crotch, noticing that nothing was there. She turned pale.
"...Mine fell off.."
"Ugh.. No, honey, you never had one. You weren't born with it."
"But I was…"
Then, Vali smacked her palm with her fist, as if a light bulb popped up over her head.
"Oh, yeah."
Although Mama Hyoudou was speaking with a closed-eyed smile, she still felt a flash of light hit her eyelids.
"See, honey. You understand now? Girls and boys are different. Boys have one and girls don.."
When she opened her eyes, she realized what she was looking at. Namely, the extra appendage that had suddenly appeared on Vali, seemingly without explanation.
"I forgot I could turn it off."
Like Michael the archangel, Mama Hyoudou maintained her smile, albeit without the creepy undertone.
"...well, nowadays, people can be whoever they wish. No matter what, you are still Mama's little angel. Mama will accept you for who you are, sweetie. Nothing will ever change that."
Mama Hyoudou: Resilience ∞
"Thanks, Mama."
Vali turned to walk away, but not without saying one more thing.
"Oh, by the way, I can still have kids."
《Mama Hyoudou systems rebooted. Resuming regular function.》 Now, her smile was beaming with stars in her eyes. She shot Vali a thumbs-up gesture of approval.
"You're perfect just the way you are, baby girl!"
"Okay."
Vali eventually returned to the bathhouse.
"Okay, nevermind. We're good."
"Well, good for her, she realized it after all. All is well."
Raynare stated calmly.
"NO THE FUCK IT IS NOT, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"
Mitlet exclaimed calmly.
"Oh, would you look at that? She's really got one too. Guess she had a reason to freak out after all."
Raynare stated calmly, again. Of course, Mitlet, on the other hand, was also calm… No, she wasn't. Not at all.
"Whaddya mean "would you look at that?!" Are you seeing what I'm seeing right now?! This girl's got one down there, in case you haven't noticed!"
"What are you, stupid? Of course I noticed. Why else would I mention it?"
"Well, you're pretty damn calm for someone who did notice!"
Raynare shrugged, calmly.
"Eh, who cares? We've been alive a long time. It's not the weirdest thing we've ever seen, is it?"
"Are you kidding?! Hell yeah it is! Look at her! She's still got Double D's! She's still shaped like an hourglass! NO, even more than that— she literally didn't have one just a minute ago, and then she suddenly comes back with one attached?! What kinda shit is that?! Screw weird, that's just straight up freaky!"
Unexpectedly, Issei gently scolded Mitlet with a rarely seen serious expression.
"Mito, don't say that word. No matter how odd someone seems, you should never call them that."
Mitlet flinched, being caught totally off guard by that reaction. She poked at Kalawarner for back-up.
"H-Hey, Kala… I'm not wrong, am I? I mean, it is pretty…uh, c-crazy? Right?"
Kalawarner put a hand up to her chin, as if genuinely curious.
"Hmm… I wonder how she did it. Is it a shape-shifting technique? Some transformation magic of some sort? Or maybe she can control her form at will, like with Ryu-sama's dragon transformation…"
Seeing that Kalawarner was a lost cause, Mitlet looked to Rias.
"Princess..?"
Rias sighed and went over to wash her body.
"I'm past questioning either of them at this point."
The last person she could look to was Asia, who just smiled awkwardly.
"Ehehe… W-Well, it's certainly peculiar… B-But I still think Vali-san is very pretty! I don't think things like that change a person's beauty, let alone how you should judge them.."
"Well, I should've expected that one. You're too kind for your own good anyway."
Mitlet waved off Asia's response, but Raynare reassured her.
"Come on, it's not even a big deal."
"Maybe not for a sexual deviant like you, but it certainly is to me!"
"Bah! That's just cos' you're a total baby when it comes to anything sex related. It's always "only missionary" this! or "Hold me tightly" that! Honestly, you're even more of a prude than Asia is. And she's a nun! At least she's done an*l."
"Ew, ew, ew! Don't say those things out loud so casually! God, this is so like you! It's no wonder you convinced Kala to get tied up in that insane bondage and hung her from the ceiling that one time!"
"Huh? Oh, no, that was all her idea actually."
"Oh please, you really think I'd believe tha.."
As Mitlet was turning to look at Kalawarner, she noticed her whip her face in the opposite direction, hiding her expression. Raynare huffed her chest proudly.
"Hmph! I can always tell a masochist when I see one."
"...W-Well, even if that is the case, I'm sure you're the one who planted the idea in her head in the first place anyway! Pig!"
"Pig, you say? Hmm, pig… No, not quite yet, I'm afraid."
"W….What do you mean by that…?"
Instead of answering Mitlet's question, Raynare knelt down and held out her hands, tilting them to a vertical angle, with an open space between them, as if preparing to measure something with them. Much to Mitlet's dismay, Raynare did just that. The unbelievable… She placed her hands up against…Issei's bottom half, and then did the same with Vali right after.
She then nodded her head and held her chin with a deeply intrigued expression.
"Yep, just like I thought. I could tell just by looking. —The exact same size."
Mitlet's expression of disgust shifted into an expression of horror.
"No, Raynare…. You wouldn't…"
Raynare smirked mischievously.
"You forget the reason that I was cast down from heaven in the first place, Mitlet."
"No way…"
Raynare then stood up and cleared her throat to make an announcement.
"Speaking of "pigs"... —Ahem! Attention, everyone! If you believe yourself to have a particular distaste for "spit-roasting" then please, change the channel! Stop watching the show, right now! …And by that I mean leave."
"I love spit roast. Pork is my favorite."
"Same."
Issei and Vali high-fived each other blankly.
"Save the high-fives for when you're across from each other, you two."
"But we are across from each other, Ray."
"Not yet you're not!"
…After a moment of dead silence passed, Rias got up and grabbed her towel.
"I'm going to the sauna. Let's go, Asia."
"Eh? Oh, b-but.."
"Trust me, you don't want to see this."
As Rias and Asia exited the bathhouse, Mitlet followed by grabbing her own towel.
"I can't believe you… Come on, Kala."
Despite Mitlet's call, Kalawarner didn't follow. Again, she turned her head away.
"I am….curious.."
"..."
Mitlet walked out of the bathhouse.
"You all disgust me.."
With that, only the 'stupid duo' and 'kinky duo' were left in the bathhouse.
"Nice, Kala! You and I can take turns! We'll switch at thirty minute intervals! High-five!"
Raynare put her hand up, expectantly waiting for a high-five from her partner-in-crime. It probably took an entire minute of hesitancy, but Kalawarner eventually reciprocated.
"Yay, go team!"
Issei and Vali tilted their heads at each other.
"Are we going to be cooking our own spit-roasts in teams?"
"I don't know, I'm not good at cooking, I'm just good at eating."
"Same."
"Oh, don't worry, you two. You won't be chefs for this meal, you'll just be the stick… Although, it'll certainly be your meal to enjoy~"
With Raynare's affirmation, Vali and Issei high-fived each other again.
" "Yay." "
Kalawarner sweatdropped.
"I…might regret this.."
Kuoh Academy
"You're shitting me, right?"
The next day, at school, the members of the ORC were gathered in the clubroom as per usual. Except, one detail seemed out of place upon their arrival. Namely, it was the handsome bastard sitting in what was usually Rias Gremory's desk chair.
"Yo, brats. I've come."
Issei furrowed his stupid brows worriedly.
"Did you really have to do that at Rias-senpai's desk?"
Azazel elected to ignore the idiot, as it was far more trouble than what it was worth addressing him. Rias tapped her foot on the ground aggravatedly.
"And why exactly are you here?"
"Heh. What a warm welcome. Well, if you must ask, I've come to assist you, mainly. Or more accurately, I'm here to provide you with my sage council."
"And what sort of sage advice could someone like you provide us with?"
"Ouch. Is that really any way to speak to your sensei?"
"Excuse me?"
"Are you really not getting it?"
Azazel sighed and stood up, placing his hands in his pockets.
"You see, brats, there are those amongst your group that are still in need of dire "development." The holy-demonic sword user, the twilight healing priestess, and the Forbidden Balor View. You all have limitless potential, and from now on, it's going to be my job to nurture you and harness that potential. Using my knowledge and experience with Sacred Gears, I'll turn you all into top tier Sacred Gear users. The same goes for the others amongst you as well. Under my wing, you'll all be improving your skills and talents. Who knows, I might even have a thing or two to teach the Sekiryuutei who defeated Kokabiel."
"Doubt it."
Azazel ignored Rias's comment and cleared his throat.
"Ahem. Anyway, as part of my compensation for what happened with my former colleague, and as a sign of goodwill towards our newly established peace, I'll be helping you guys out. Sirzechs already approved it, so I wouldn't go around complaining now. It's been decided. Might as well deal with it. So, with that settled, you can all refer to me as "sensei" from now on."
"Asshole."
"Shitsei."
"Azathoth."
A tick mark of anger appeared on top of Azazel's head, but he disregarded the disrespectful comments for now.
"...Alright. Any questions?"
Issei raised his hand.
"..Yes, the imbecile in the middle. What is it?"
"If you took care of Vali, does that make you her father?"
"...Ah, well, that's…complicated. But I guess you could say that I am, in a way, her "father." Why do you ask?"
"When I mentioned that you were still around, Mama said that she's going to "give you a talking to" for letting Vali run around to random stranger's houses. She seems pretty happy that Vali is with us now, but she doesn't seem like she's very happy with you. She's expecting you to come over one of these days to explain yourself."
"Is…that so? Well, I don't really have time to go around meeting different people's parents so just let her know I'm sorry and give her my thanks for taking Vali in."
"Oh, she wasn't asking."
"Pardon?"
For whatever reason, despite having an emotionless expression, Issei said it in an eerie tone.
"Whatever Mama says, goes..."
Azazel sweatdropped.
"Uh-huh…. Okay, any other inquiries? No? Alright then! In that case, prepare yourselves, brats. I'm not going to go easy on any of you just because Sirzechs said. So save your complaints until after it's all said and done, yeah? Let's look forward to working with each other."
Rias sighed deeply.
"Haaah… What has the world come to?"
Raynare shrugged from beside her.
"Eh, it's not so bad. Azazel-sama is only half-weirdo so I think we should be fine."
"Half-weirdo is far more than I can handle, if the standards we're going by are yours, miss pig on a stick."
"Sticks. Plural."
"Fuck off, corndog."
"You first, tampon head."
Azazel rubbed the back of his head exhaustedly.
"Woof. We've got a lot of work to do.."
Extra
"Dammit! Freed! Come here at once! These bastards are causing me to "tilt" with rage!"
"You can just say you're getting tilted, Donashit. Here, let me have a go."
You win!
"...Ooooh! As I thought, Freed, you are indeed skilled in the art of Street Fighting!"
"Yeah, well, it's easy once you get the hang of the combos… oh, looks like this guy wants a rematch. Geez, again? You'd think this "Michael" douchebag would just learn his lesson and take the L… Whatever, I'm nice so I guess I'll oblige him… Would you look at that? He's going for a meta pick too. Alright. I'll humor him. Let's see how he does in this match."
You lose!
"What?! What the fuck?! Did you see that?! That was totally lag! Does this game have rollback net code or not?! Fuckin' bullshit!"
"Hmm. Indeed, it did seem to me as if he "got lucky."
"Whatever. No more games now. I'll just pick my main this time and stomp the shit out of him. That'll show him. Rematch."
Player has disconnected..
"Oh… Looks like he left the lobby, Freed."
….
….
BREAK!
"YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! I REMATCHED YOU THREE TIMES AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME?! COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT ME, YOU FUCKING COWARD!"
"Wasn't that your only controller?"
"...FUCK!"
End!
AND THERE SHE GOES! FINALLY, after so long, it's done. Goddammit, I missed this story. Glad I came back to it. Hopefully I've still got it. Again, like I said up above, try not to expect too many regular updates from this one. I'm definitely gonna try and come back to it as often as possible, whenever I have free time, but free time is scarce. I'll use it wisely.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one. I hope I still haven't lost my touch with comedy, at least with regard to this story. Otherwise, this story would become pointless. I hope you guys can have some laughs and find some levity to indulge in during the troubling, stressful days of your life. That's mainly why this story exists. I just want it to be a feel-good story as much as possible, cuz my other stories are kind of downers sometimes lol. Of course, this story has its serious moments too (and it will have more in the future) but that's in service of allowing you to love the characters and appreciate the comedic moments all the more.
So let me know what ya think! Tell me what made you laugh, if anything did. Favorite jokes, favorite callbacks, favorite references. There's actually a lot of references in this one specifically. I wonder if anyone will be able to spot all of them. I'll give you a cookie if you do! (There are none left, Vali ate them.)
Read, Rate, Review, go crazy!
Stay frosty.
