Chapter 9:

"If you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed"

Charlotte's Pov

Everything ends.
You had been foolish enough to think that you could hold on to this life you had chosen for yourself. It had been a choice after all.
But you should have known that everything eventually falls apart.
You thought you would feel more pain than this as you watched him walk away from you.
Your world had just fallen to pieces and what was left was nothing.
But all you felt was a gaping hole in your chest.
You wanted to go after him, to make him see that he held a special place in your heart.
But you couldn't do that to him.

You had been cruel.
You saw that now.
You had led him down a path that would eventually lead to heartache.
As you accepted his proposal of marriage you knew that you couldn't love him the way he deserved. But you had chosen to ignore that fact and convinced yourself that your heart would adapt to him and you would eventually feel the love in your heart he deserved.
You had used him cruelly.
You had willingly inflicted pain by withholding one crucial part from him; your heart.
The simple truth was that you had given away your heart and what was left of you now was a shell of a woman. But yet you had clung to the fact that he could give you a life, a family.
You were willing to ignore that part of you that screamed that you were making a mistake in favour of the fact that you knew that he was constant.
He would never hurt you.
He would stay.
You had been weak and foolish.
He had been right to sever the ties between the two of you and walk away.
You could not fault him for that.
The only thing you regretted was the hurt you had caused.

You sat down on the bench under your favourite tree and tried to collect yourself.
The world you had carefully built for yourself had come undone.
What was left for you now?
He represented stability; a safe place.
You knew what was expected of you when you had said yes to marry him.
You knew your place in the order of things.
But now you felt lost.

Your mother was the one that found you two hours later.
She came walking on the path from the house dressed in her finest dress.
She walked up to you and sat down beside you without saying a word.
Your mother had always been a master of using silence to get her way.
You broke the silence first.
"Mother, I…"
Her voice was sharp as she cut you off by saying:
"Ralph came to speak to your father. The spoke for a long while. Your father said that Ralph has ended your engagement."
Your voice trembled as you started to speak.
"Ralph came to see me. We spoke."
"Ralph told your father that a marriage with him was not something you wanted and that it would be wrong to go through with it."
Your mother turned her head and your eyes met.
"Mother, please let me explain."

Her eyes darkened then as she said:
"Your father is very disappointed in you, Charlotte. He thinks you brought shame to this family."
You felt like that hole inside of you expanded a little more as her words sliced into you.
You knew the truth of her words but hearing her say them made it more real.
"I'm sorry. I never meant..."
She took your hands in hers and made you look at her.
"I know you are. I wish you had come to me and told me about your doubts. I could have helped."
You looked into your mother's eyes and you wished in that moment that you were strong enough to tell her the truth.
You saw tenderness in her eyes as she continued.
"Ralph is a good man. He can give you a good life."
"I know."
How could you tell her that the life he had offered, the wife of a farmer, was a life you didn't want? That you wanted more than this village and the life she lived.
"He has loved you for so long. He would make an excellent father. Please, Charlotte, make me understand. You came back from Sanditon all those months ago and you accepted his proposal. You seemed happy. I just don't understand what he did wrong."
"Ralph did nothing wrong."
"Then why?"
You met her eyes and for once you told the truth:
"I don't love him."
She took her hand, placed it on your cheek and said:
"Oh, my girl. It takes time. But you have to let it grow. When your father asked for my hand I wouldn't say that I was in love with him. But I knew he was a good man and he could give me a great life."
How could you tell her that you could never love Ralph the way he deserved?
But also that you couldn't knowingly go down the aisle with him knowing that the life you would share would be based on lies.
It would eventually kill you.
"I can't marry him, mother. I just can't."
She removed her hand from your cheek, rose from the bench and took a step back from you.
"I don't understand. I just don't."
"I know.."
A shadow fell across her face then and her eyes darkened as she spoke:
"Did something happen in Sanditon? I know that we shouldn't have let you go there again."

You had to make a choice; to lie or tell the truth.
How could you tell her how you had given away your heart to another man and by the time you realized that you loved this man it was too late?
You had searched for that feeling of being complete and whole for so long that when you eventually found it you pushed it away out of fear.
How could you tell her all of this and see the disappointment in her eyes?
Your mother and father had after all given up so much for you to find your place in the world. But at the same time, how could you lie to her, to your mother, knowing it could cost you so much?
It would cost you a piece of your soul.
In the end, your fear of disappointing her won the battle as you rose from the bench and said:
"Nothing happened. You need not worry about that".
The lie tasted bitter in your mouth.
"You came back different somehow. Like you had lost something. It made me wonder what happened. I thought if I just gave you time then maybe you would come to me and tell me. But you never did. And now this."
"My stay in Sanditon was fine. It has nothing to do with this."
Liar.
That word kept ringing in your ears.
"Well, I know there is something you're not telling me. You know that you can't stay here, Charlotte. Not now. Not after this."
Her words hit and hit hard. It rattled you.
You took a step closer to her and said:
"Mother, please."
"If it was up to me then I would keep you with me. But you brought shame to this family."
You knew your choice to not marry would come with consequences but still, you were not prepared to hear your mother's words.
The pain of her words engulfed you.
"I'm sorry. I never meant this to happen."
She took your hand and made you look at her.
You saw the expression on your mother's face soften as she spoke:
"Just go back to him. Just go back and tell him it was a mistake. Tell him it was wedding nerves. Please, Charlotte."
As you looked into the eyes of the woman that had raised you, that had stood by you, a part of you wanted to do what she asked.
It would be so easy to say that you had been wrong after all.
But you knew if you took that step and it would eventually crush you.
"I can't do that. It wouldn't be right."
Your mother let go of your hands, took a step back and said:
"It wouldn't be right?! Ralph Sterling is a good, kind man that loves you. He can provide for you. Who will provide for you now? You can't stay here. Your father would not allow it. Not now. Not after this."
A part of you had known it would come to this but still fear gripped you then.
It felt like you had come undone and you were falling without a net.
There was no one there to catch you.
As you stood there you felt so alone.
Your mother's voice was sharp as she said:
"Your sister will take you in. You need to write to her. You need to book a passage to Irland as soon as possible."
You felt suddenly so cold, standing there under that tree, looking at your mother as she planned how to remove you from her life.
You were alone now.
There was no going back.