The Guardians of the Galaxy awoke from their bad fanfiction trance. There are so many raccoons.
The raccoons keep calling Peter "daddy".
He doesn't know why.
"Wait, what the fuck happened?" Rocket asked his friends, no longer being the most bigoted person alive.
"I think we were the worst. For like a long time," Peter told him, no longer having punched and assaulted a teenager. "Why are you wearing a collar?"
Rocket pulled off the collar his evil counterpart had been forced to wear. "Oh, yeah, I think this is yours."
"We all love and support each other right? And we don't have to be really weird and stiff about that?" Gamora said, no longer being a vessel for the author's internalized misogyny.
"Yeah! And we would never try to kick Rocket off the team for petty reasons because that's insane? And also he's been the one in charge since like. The beginning?" Peter pointed out.
"I am Groot." Groot wrapped his branches around his friends, no longer being useless.
And the author does not feel the need to tell you verbatim exactly what he said because that is fucking stupid.
"What are we going to do about them?" Drax asked them, now allowed to say things, gesturing to the author's OCs who do not need to be here.
Three raccoons are sitting on the floor with collars around their necks.
Peter kneels down to their level, and removes the collars. "You guys don't need me to tell you what to do. You're not lower life forms. Also, I'm bad at it."
"But we have no story of our own, boss, we won't know what to do with ourselves separate from your existence." DJ told him.
Rocket sighed and looked at her. "So find your story, kid."
"And you and I . . ." Sarah Lightning looked at Rocket.
"Wasn't me. And he treated you like shit." He told her, a bit softly.
Lexi Blaze, the best character, looked between the Guardians. "I was literally fucking with all of you the whole time."
"Yeah, I don't know why I'm here, to be honest." Sparrow Night groaned, running a hand, which weren't paws, they were hands, through his fur.
"Someone needed you once," Drax told the three raccoons and DJ. "You helped them cope in a difficult time in their life. But they don't need you anymore."
"I am Groot."
Rocket looked at his friend, who he deeply loved and respected as a person. "He uh, he says it's actually good news. You're free."
Then he sat down to pilot the ship, because Rocket regularly does that, and Peter said, "We'll drop you off wherever you guys want."
"This is a hell of a better ending than what I got before!" DJ said, cheerfully.
The Guardians flew them to faraway planets where they could start a new life, planets which have names and lore but none of which is relevant and therefore will be left the fuck alone.
