In the casino's theater, Team Heartbreak had done their patrol as Ultra Guardians and they had invited Team Wynaut to their next movie review; most of the team members had already gotten to their seats while the rest were finding theirs.

"Hello, this is Team Heartbreak; we remember it so you don't have to." Chyna said.

"You know, I love the Looney Tunes. Who doesn't? They're funny, they're clever, they're unique and they're absolutely wonderful. And you wanna know what else? I love basketball. Again, who doesn't? It's fun, it's intense, it gives you a rush of energy and it's also absolutely wonderful. However you might wanna be sure to keep these two elements as far away from each other as humanly possible. Because if you don't, YOU GET FUCKING SPACE JAM; THE WORST PIECE OF COMMERCIALIZED, HALF-BAKED HORSESHIT THAT EVER HIT THE-" Marty Jannetty ranted, before Wobbuffet shook him gently.

"Wobba, Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet shouted, as Marty calmed down.

"Okay... alright, I apologize. I just really hate it when Hollywood takes not one, but TWO of the things that I hold so dear to me and poisons it with undiluted urine-filled backwash that I hate so much. So with that said, let's take a look at how these two wonderful pastimes got transformed into the cinematic gang rape that lies before us." Marty Jannetty said, before the lights dimmed and the film projector was turned on.

"First of all, you might be wondering, 'How the hell did this idea even come about?'" Bret Hart asked.

"Well, in the early '90s; mainly 1992, Nike had a brilliant marketing plan for selling their hottest new item, Air Jordans. Obviously, they had Michael Jordan on board, but they needed something else that would be sure to grab all the little kids' attention. So Nike made a deal with Warner Bros. to throw in characters like Bugs Bunny and Marvin the Martian into their commercials." Benny Mardones said, watching a commercial on his iPad.

"Who did you expect? Elmer Fudd?" Michael Jordan asked on the iPad.

"The ads were a huge hit and soon enough, Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan became America's top marketing whores, sucking dick for Nike, McDonald's, toy moguls and too many t-shirt companies to count." Hunter Helmsley said, looking at Benny's iPad.

"Gruesome, ain't it?" Bugs Bunny asked on the iPad.

"After this big success, the marketing heads at Warner Bros. got an idea." Laura Nyro said.

"What if we turn the commercial into a movie, thereby turning the movie into a commercial and thereby producing commercials for commercials!" Tom Keifer mocked.

"It's like every advertiser's wet dream, a perpetual money making motion machine that has the ability to turn shit into gold!" Glenn Frey said.

"Well, that's how it goes." Daffy Duck said.

"And thus, Space Jam was born. The first film that was quite literally a commercial for a commercial for a commercial." Dean Ambrose said.

"But don't worry. They hide that fact very cleverly." Eddie Van Halen said.

"Get your Hanes on, lace up your Nikes, grab your Wheaties and your Gatorade and we'll pick up a Big Mac on the way to the ballpark." Stan Podolak said.

"Subtle." Tommy Bolin nodded.

"Indeed." Lily Tomlin agreed.

"But still, a movie with two of America's most treasured icons was a pretty big deal. And we all knew that the heads of Hollywood wouldn't just throw any crap together for their money-making prized possessions." Helen Reddy said.

"Obviously." Michael Jordan said.

"So tell us then, what's the story?" Tiffany asked.

"You see, these aliens come from outer space and they wanna make us slaves in their theme park, so we challenged them to a basketball game." Bugs Bunny explained, as everyone went from excited to confused to horrified.

"The fuck did he just...?" Diesel whispered in shock.

"But then they show up and they ain't so little; THEY'RE HUGE! We need to beat these guys. Cause they're talkin' about slavery. They're gonna make us do stand-up comedy: the same jokes, every night for all eternity." Bugs Bunny explained, as Brian Pillman pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniel's and starts drinking.

"What's this talk about slavery?" Meowth asked.

"We're gonna be locked up like wild animals and then trotted out to perform for a bunch of low-brow, bug-eyed, fatheaded, humor-challenged aliens!" Bugs Bunny finished.

"Is it too late to get my money back?" Sell-Out Seth asked.

"Okay, so the story Bugs was TRYING to get across starts off with Michael Jordan after he dropped out of the NBA." Glenn Frey said.

"The FIRST time he dropped out." Chyna said.

"We see him during those embarrassing years in his life when he actually took up baseball instead of basketball." Diesel said.

"And that's not bad writing! Th-that actually happened..." Stephan Jones added.

"Meanwhile, we travel to outer space where Mr. Swackhammer, an evil ruler of a theme park on the moon is looking for new attractions. So he sends his alien henchmen to kidnap the Looney Tunes, who live in the middle of the Earth, where the Looney Tunes retaliate by challenging them to a basketball game." Tom Keifer explained.

"Yea, how many times have we heard THAT story?" Dean Ambrose scoffed.

"We gotta get new agents, we're gettin' screwed." Daffy Duck snarked.

"But before we even get to that, we have to watch dozens of scenes where Michael Jordan is interacting with his family." Tiffany said.

"What's wrong with Jeff?" Michael Jordan asked.

"Well, he went two for five and lost 32 points in his batting average. So yea, that puts him at like a .685 or something." Juanita Jordan said.

"Oh come on, can't you get to the Looney Tunes already?" Lou Reed asked.

"What do ya think? I'm kinda partial to purple and gold myself. It goes better with my coloring." Daffy Duck said.

"Fitting tribute to Kobe Bryant, but on second thought, go back to the boring family." Jeff Hardy said.

"Whatcha cookin'?" Michael Jordan asked.

"Chicken." Delores Jordan said.

"Chicken and what?" Michael Jordan asked.

"Chicken and collard greens." Delores Jordan said.

"Good." Michael Jordan said.

"On second thought, go back to the Looney Tunes." Matt Hardy said.

"One giant leap for Moron Mountain!" Nerdluck Bupkus shouted, jamming a flag pole into Nerdluck Pound's foot.

"...is The 700 Club on?" Shawn Michaels asked.

"I thought you'd never ask." Bugs Bunny said.

"Judging from those clips, you may have noticed the first problem with this movie: the Looney Tunes aren't funny. They're rude, loud and obnoxiously annoying, but they're certainly not funny. In fact, the writing for this movie is so horrible, you almost wish the original Looney Tunes from the '50s could sit there and watch it." Tom Keifer explained.

"I'm a cheerleader." Granny said, as Chyna rolled her eyes at the scene.

"But mommy, I don't want to go to school today!" Daffy Duck said in a daze, as Stiv Bators just looks at the scene with a bored expression.

"Boo." Monstar Blanko said.

"AAAAAAH! I wet myself." Porky Pig said timidly.

"Haha, very funny, hahaha." Fran O'Toole said mockingly.

"The second problem you may have noticed with this movie is that Michael Jordan is not funny. He's dull, boring and an incredibly bad actor, but he's certainly not funny. In fact, I don't even think he knows he's IN a movie. I think they just followed him around with cameras and then painted some cartoon characters in the background." Glenn Frey said.

"Thufferin' thuckatash!" Sylvester said.

"Getting back to the story, the aliens decide to go back to our world and try to get some extra strength. While there, they sit next to Patricia Heaton, the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond and Dan Castellaneta, the guy who did the voice for Homer Simpson." Levon Helm said.

"How... random." Hunter Helmsley said.

"So the aliens steal all the talent from some of basketball's greatest players." Tommy Bolin said.

"We're fine. It's some some psychosomatic deal, or something with to do with the moon and the alignment of the planet." Muggsy Bogues said.

"Wow, looks like they took their acting talent too." Sell-Out Seth said.

"It stinks." Nerdluck Nawt said.

"So the aliens become giant Monstars which the Looney Tunes can't possibly defeat. So they get the help of Michael Jordan and his wormy little assistant played by Wayne Knight. Who, I was surprised to find out, is NOT a cartoon character." Tommy Bolin said.

"Wobbuffet." Wobbuffet said.

"Oh yea? Who says?" Nerdluck Pound asked.

"So the game is on and all the Looney Tunes join forces to stop the evil aliens in a universal Space Jam. Which still sounds strange to me, I don't know, when I think of Space Jam, I think of that stuff they used in Spaceballs to block out the radar." Steven Van Zandt said.

"So all your favorites are there for the lineup, including Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Taz, Elmer, Lola, Tweety, Marvin the- WAIT A MINUTE! Who the fuck is Lola? Oh, wait, wait, wait, I remember, from the classic Lola cartoons! You know, with the... and the... anyway, WHO THE FUCK'S LOLA?!" Jeff Hardy asked in shock.

"Lola, turns out, is a girl bunny they created to bring in more of the female demographic. Unfortunately they didn't really make her fun, silly, goofy, wacky or zany... in fact, they didn't give her any personality at all. They just tried to pose her off as some sort of strange sex-symbol." Matt Hardy answered.

"Which is kinda weird, because she is in fact, a rabbit. She's not a person, she's a rabbit. If it was a person, maybe it'll make a little bit more sense to make her a sex symbol, but she is in fact, a rabbit. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANNA FUCK A RABBIT, WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE?! Rabbits aren't sexy, rabbits are... FOOD!" 123 Kid ranted.

"I mean look at her, they dress her in skimpy clothes, they make her wear short shorts..." Bret Hart explained.

"Oh! And here's the biggest insult of them all: They actually gave her bunny boobies. BUNNY BOOBIES! I mean, what kind of sick, twisted pervert actually gives a cartoon character bunny boobies? I mean, if that hassenpfeffer hussy actually has female genitalia, what does that mean the other Looney Tunes characters have?" Brian Pillman asked in shock.

"We've got balls!" Sylvester called out.

"STOP! STOP! Okay, alright, let me make one thing perfectly clear to all you Warner Bros. representatives out there: we don't wanna fuck bunnies! I can't believe I have to say this, we don't wanna fuck bunnies! I mean we're people! Therefore we like to fuck other people! I'm sure there's some SMALL percentage of people out there that like to fuck bunnies, but that hardly seems like a very profitable demographic. I mean, I put it to you: have you ever seen a bunny that you ACTUALLY had the hots for?" Shawn Michaels asked in angered shock.

We see HappyScary Dean with a Playboy Bunny.

"THAT DOESN'T COUNT!" Shawn Michaels snapped, before hearing Elmer laugh.

"Okay, so aside from promoting bestiality to kids, the film also has the worst camera shots in the entire world. That is to say, they're ALL extreme closeups! Seriously, I feel like all the characters in this movie are about to French me. These shots are so close, I keep thinking the camera's gonna hit 'em in the face, like in the opening of Aladdin." Rick Danko complained.

"So all the Looney Tune characters: Bugs, Daffy, Taz, Lola and so forth, pretty much get their animated asses handed to them. And trust me when I say no one is spared." Levon Helm said, before everyone watched a scene where Granny gets tackled by the Monstars.

"Dude, did they just beat the shit out of Granny?" Glenn Frey asked in surprise.

"They did! They just beat the shit out of Granny! They actually just tackled, punched and kicked an innocent, old lady who never harmed anyone in her life!" Tiffany said in horror.

"Oh, my chibi God, I could watch that forever." HappyScary Dean said.

"Well, I won't!" Tiffany retorted, throwing her popcorn at HappyScary Dean.

"Oh, my..." Granny said in a daze.

"But unfortunately the movie continues and it turns out that Michael Jordan and his Looney Tunes are actually short one player. Who could they possibly get?" Tom Keifer wondered, before Bill Murray showed up in the film's next scene.

"Dun da da da da da da daaaa!" Bill Murray cheered.

"What the f- Bill Murray?!" Benny Mardones asked in horror.

"Ah, no, BILL! What are you doin'? You still got a career to lose!" Diesel said in horror.

"Perhaps I could be of some assistance." Bill Murray said.

"Go! Get out! There's still time! Look, you made it through Larger Than Life and you made it through The Man Who Knew Too Little, but I just don't think you can survive this, ese!" Eddie Guerrero begged.

"This is why I was born." Bill Murray said.

"Okay, I'm gonna give you the name of the director here, Sofia Coppola, she's kind of a newcomer, but she has a lot of promise. Just... just think about it." Sell-Out Seth said.

"Very funny." Daffy Duck said.

"Of course it comes down to a tied game and it's up to Michael Jordan to score the final point. But, in a stunning turn of events..." Tommy Bolin said.

"They actually don't win. They lose the game, defying all cinematic conventions. Michael Jordan finds out that he is an imperfect human being, a fallen hero. He discovers the burden of responsibility that having such great power requires. But... he also finds that strength comes from the mind and soul and not just from athletic accomplishments. And though, not the happiest ending, the film teaches children that even in their darkest moments you can always find unity... in yourself. And that my friend, is the essence of all manki- no, just kidding, he makes the basket and wins." Dean Ambrose said.

"Aw." the Nerdlucks lamented.

"So the Looney Tunes get Michael back home, give the players back their talent and return to being their phenomenally unfunny selves. But Jordan still has one last thing to settle." Glenn Frey said.

"You know he doesn't play BASKETBALL anymore." Charles Barkley said.

"You know, he probably doesn't even have it anymore, guys." Shawn Bradley said.

"There's only one way to find out." Michael Jordan said.

"Welcome back, Michaellll Jordaaaaaan!" a sports announcer called out.

"Oh I see, it's because of the Looney Tunes that Michael Jordan came back to basketball. Ahahahahahahahahahaha! Ahahaha, aha, ahahaha, ha, ha- GOD, THIS MOVIE SUCKS!" Dr. John shouted.

The film projector stops and the lights come on.

"I mean what were they thinking?! In what insane asylum could this movie possibly be considered good?! And you wanna know what the amazing thing is?! This movie actually had FOUR writers! FOUR WRITERS! And not one of them knew they were writing intergalactic pig shit! I mean can you imagine what the writing section with those four drunken morons was like?!" Rick Danko asked in anger.

"I see aliens... I also see Michael Jordan being sucked down a golf hole... to win a basketball game against... Bugs Bunny... " Jane Vasey said, meditating in her seat.

"Actually that explains a lot." Chyna said.

"That's it, we're outta here." Matt Hardy snapped, leaving the theater with his brother Jeff following him.

"This is Team Heartbreak; we remember it so you don't have to." Diesel said, getting out of his seat and leaving the theater, "God, what a bad movie..."