(7 years ago)
If the world was going to end today, I hope I could at least finish my life today.
Although, ever since Prom, I didn't even know how much I was living these days.
How long ago was Prom? I wondered. A day? A week? A month?
I tried my best to not flash-back to that night. Though... The more I tried to not think of that night, it seemed like I only thought of it more. Ironic how the moments we constantly want to forget, those are the things that have been scarred in our minds... They've carved a niche in our brain, so no matter how much it's covered up, it'll always come back up.
But that day will be meaningless if I can't fulfill my destiny.
I tried to put anything meaningless, like emotions, out of my mind... Giving a fuck about other people would only lead to more weakness...
I took a deep breath, ran my hand through my flowing pink dress. A slight summer breeze kicked in, even though summer hasn't officially started, it was early June, and the heat was already kicking in.
Whilst the wind swiftly flowed through my dress, my pinned-up hair, and strapped on cone-heels, I didn't let it phase me.
I was trying to quickly slip away, and I knew I had to be at my ceremony, I was internally screaming. Doomsday was inevitably coming, and I had spent almost a decade preparing myself for this day.
Trying to ground myself, I changed into my cap and gown.
"Today is going to be a great day. Don't overthink it."
I whipped around to see one of the three spirits I knew all too well.
"What do you want?" I asked in a stern tone as I checked my hair and makeup.
"Trust me, Madeline, everything will be fine."
"And I should trust you? After everything I've been told for years?!" I huffed.
I also just generally had a harder time trusting this spirit... The three spirits were all brothers and knights, but the one who spoke to me now, the Knight of Altruism, had always been focused on me being able to complete my destiny. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the proposition... Me and him lived in very different worlds. It's much more difficult to be on the same level of a mindset... He no longer lives in reality, or at least my reality.
Why did I ever accept his offer? Was all I could think to myself.
"I know that after -"
"Trust me, you don't need to bring it up again."
"I know this is painful for you, but you must not let your emotions cloud -"
If I was in a good mood, maybe I would've entertained his cliche' speeches, as if I hadn't spent years of my life leading up to this day.
And now, if I allowed my mind to keep spiralling, then I would be crying, makeup smeared, the fucking eyeliner I got perfect would all be ruined, and it would just be a sign that I had no composure.
I gripped into the sink as I thought, 'get a fucking grip, Madeline'.
"I know most of my comments towards you have been... Constructive criticism, but here me now, I know you will be fine... You've trained, and trust me, I believe in you."
"What?!"
I harshly turned around, in utter shock... It would be quite an understatement to say it's all just 'constructive criticism'... Try constantly doubting me... After years of always criticizing me... Now this?
Someone knocked on the bathroom door, and I realized I had to go.
"Trust me, you are prepared... My brothers and I will be ready, watching on."
The moment I turned back around, he was gone.
Never had a ceremony felt so long.
I know these kinds of things aren't tailored to be engaging or fun, but... I mean, okay, I was usually into this kind of shit.
I had hoped I could tear up at the speeches, look back at memories with nostalgia, look forward to my future... But that's a little hard when the end of the world is such a looming threat.
Funnily enough, it wasn't just that my mind was focusing on.
A few days ago, after months of no contact, a guy I had liked a while ago came out of the blue to text me. Jackson was a cute guy, quite social and all of that lovely stuff. I had fancied him, but he always had a girlfriend, so I had just fucked off.
Now he said he wanted to meet up, even said he wanted to say he had always liked me, but I was too unavailable. Maybe it would be bait I'm taking but... How could I resist?
He was even here today, and whilst he had graduated a year ago, he had friends... How supportive.
I spied him from my chair, a curly, black-haired beauty he was.
He looked nothing like them... Like him.
The voice in my head asked myself: Why even bother? Everything you touch turns to ash anyway... Always broken beyond repair.
The ceremony was cordial, I even got a standing ovation when my name was called. I had declined the opportunity to speak, even though I wanted to, but I was too scared, and probably not in the best state of mind. I would prefer if this day could be an increment less shittier than it was going to be. I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to give into some... Dark desires of mine when certain people came across the stage. These people who got 'whoops' and cheers as if they were goddamn heroes, not the lying, cheating scumbags they were... Ruining lives without a single thought... I only counted a few, even a traitor from years ago, the kind of betrayal that always left a scar, it's just duller because time chose to move on. I looked to the scars on my arm, desperately wanting to add another one when he got his so much fucking noise... Him! Not giving a damn who he hurts, as long as others were backing him up, and he would never stop. Karma clearly didn't exist, or his face would've been smashed into a fucking building.
I only kept glancing at my watch as the time kept going... At noon, I was sure it would happen. But it never came.
The ceremony ended, and we all went to talk to each other.
My "friends" all gave me the most surface-level exchanges... All saying they would miss me, but I knew if that was true, they wouldn't have distanced themselves from me. And I don't exactly blame them - At this point, I'm just a sack of needles... Good for nothing, not alive, and would only hurt anyone who got close enough to touch. I glanced around the room, feeling absolutely burning... And I knew it wasn't just the early June sun. People constantly being nice to me, as if I wasn't the popular girl who disappeared...
My eyes darted to the crowds, and I saw Andy's face.
Andy.
I couldn't even think of him without thinking of the tragedy that came from all of this... Not like I could ever talk to him again.
Besides, he was surrounded by a sea of people, and I knew I would just drown in that ocean of patrons... And I wouldn't want to crumble completely in front of him.
Cutting him out was better anyway, less chances of running into him.
Finally... As if to save me from the misery, I saw the three spirits.
Well... No one was talking to me, no one around to care. In more ways than one... No one would notice I was gone.
It wasn't just The Knight Of Altruism, but his two younger brothers, The Knight Of Balance, and The Knight Of Logic. While all three were old men, they were distinguishable. The Knight Of Altruism has deep, dark eyes, with a white beard that went down to his neck. His spirit adorned your stereotypical 'knight' garb. The Knight Of Balance preferred to have his beard end at his face, which was grey. He wore simple robes of tan and brown. And The Knight Of Logic was the youngest, and while was clearly not young, he had white hair that stopped before his shoulders, with dark brown eyes. He liked much more modern clothing, wearing a patterned button-up shirt.
"Madeline... It... It didn't happen. There is no longer a need for you."
As if I didn't already have knives stabbed quite far in my back, this statement felt like a stinging cutlass.
"What he's trying to say is... We got it wrong. The world didn't end... It was not for this universe not for this time."
I felt frozen. To contrast that, the hottest tears I ever felt rolled down my cheeks.
"What the fuck... Do you mean you don't 'need me anymore'?" I became so bitter, apparent I'm my voice.
"You think you can just... Tap into your FUCKING 'universal powers' bullshit - "
"Madeline - We can only apologize. But we assume this will happen in every universe, and you are the one to save them..."
"And your assumptions got to tear up and ruin my life?!"
I looked like a disaster... I think my tears has mixed up with my makeup all the time, coming out so furiously, it was probably all over my dress.
"Madeline, we completely understand." I couldn't even tell who was talking, but it absolutely didn't matter. All of these years, sacrificing my childhood, my adolescence, for a vague sense of being a hero... And here's how it ended for me. All crashing down.
After what could've been hours and was most likely not, I eventually composed myself.
The spirits admitted they would have to leave, and while they were all relieved we didn't have to deal with a doomsday event, it was also bittersweet to part with them.
The Knight Of Logic lingered.
"Madeline, one last thing..."
The word "What?", Softly fell from my lips.
"You... Your powers, abilities, gifts." You no longer require them.
He offered a well-meaning smile. But this whole situation made me feel used-up, discarded.
"I'm going to repeal your abilities,but... I'll let you in on a little secret - One I really shouldn't let you know, my brothers told me against it."
The Knight Of Logic was always like that... Favoring methods that could bring out the best results, not what was set in stone. The middle brother was a mix of the both... But I always liked the logical ideas, surprisingly, despite my emotions and passions, the logic was not only a good juxtaposition, yet always was the healthiest for my emotions.
"Just because I'm taking your powers back..." He started, sitting down next to me.
"I think the real power is in your head... Maybe even trapped."
And with that, my scars and bruises were less faded, and I felt like a weight had been lifted.
With that ominous note, he left, after a warm smile and 'goodbye'.
The crowds were dwindling... And I couldn't be happier. I looked wrecked, and I felt so, so weak. Seeing that traitor giggle along, these students here... They meant nothing.
Because I meant nothing to them.
I darted over to Jackson, joking with his friends. Fuck it, I wasn't going to through away my future... I thought to myself.
"Jackson." I tried.
"Jackson!" The conversation was still so loud.
"JACKSON!"
"Heeeey Madelyn, how are you."
Sniffling, I answered with, "fine".
"Happy to hear it, " he winked at me. Was that a snide remark at how I didn't look fine?! I knew I was over-thinking, but my mind was in such a state... I couldn't help it.
He tried to turn back to the conversation, but I grabbed his shoulder.
"I wanted to take you up on your offer. I'd love to be your girlfriend." I said with a smile.
"Lovely," he said, wrapping an arm around me.
I couldn't keep up with the mindless chatter, it was such a bore... And I felt as if I was falling into a deeper and deeper hole.
The laughter was fake, the compliments hollow, the conversation just so... Inauthentic.
So... Instead of doing anything for myself, I just sank into that internal hole, yearning for the inevitable parting.
I decided that I would leave this past behind.
My adolescence of spirits, powers and adventures... I could move on, I could do it easily. I wasn't going to let a few tiny childhood problems get in the way, make me throw away my future... I was ready for what life would give me.
After all, I was fine.
