(6 years and 10 months ago)
Escape.
Escape.
Escape.
That's all, all that had been on my mind lately. Thank fucking God for that scholarship, or I would still be stuck in that town. Thank God for the money I still had saved under my mattress. Thank God for my terrible lone wolf abilities, breaking contact with almost everybody... Yeah, that's a great, thing, I don't need them, I swear.
Hell, I don't even believe in God, but I was still counting my lucky stars.
I had spent the last two months running around the world, breaking contact with the people who I knew better than to crawl back to. It was so much easier to just... End the relationship then to know I'll only get pain from. Even the people who haven't hurt me, well, they will in the future.
Not Jackson, though, yeah, Jackson definitely loved me.
I kept telling myself all of these things, I mean, where else was my life going to go? Well... Other than university.
All I wanted was to escape that tiny little town, that town was a wasteland. And the more I escaped that place, the more I could run and bury my past. I swear, I felt like I was clean.
I pulled my car through the twisting road, just enjoying my time on the road. Surprisingly, it was raining, but as I only kept driving south, having an eventual destination, but not thinking about where I would be staying the night, not thinking about the specifics. Just the music turned up loud, and getting lost in my thoughts.
After hours of looking around at the rain-covered wilderness, the lush greens popping, the road having the most beautiful sheen.
What was I going to do with my life? Was what I was thinking about the most, like a constant loop in my mind. I had to be an adult now, I was no longer confined to my small town, chained back to my relationships that meant nothing.
Nothing.
Eventually, my mind only continued to spiral more and more. My knuckles turned whiter, I gripped onto the wheel more, hopelessly clasping onto something that could weigh me down, ground me. A subconscious tick I've had for years, my mind always seeming to grab my being, my consciousness, bring it down and trap it in the back of my mind.
Maybe adulthood isn't for you... Hell, you're still technically 17...
I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled my car over. I had been driving in the Northern U.S for hours, and while the scenery was simply breathtaking - But I was on a twisty road, and no one was near... I still had the stress of dying from taking a turn too hard, slipping, and falling hundreds of feet.
On the other hand...
There was a pocket of land, with beautiful evergreen trees overlooking it.
From the windshield, I saw how far down it went...
Yeah, just one more push on the gas pedal, it would all be gone.
The car, my life, the fear.
I tried to take a breath. Why would I do this? Why wouldn't I? Wasn't life just going to treat me harsher? How about I just spare myself the pain, things will never get better...
I looked down once more. There was no sound, just the rain and the music.
I closed my eyes. The last song ended, then I remembered the playlist I had put on - my rain playlist.
'mirrorball' by Taylor Swift finished, a song that completely summarized how I felt.
"... I'm still trying everything, to get you laughing at me.
And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why - I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try... I'm still on that tightrope, I'm still trying everything to get you looking at me!"
I had no one to laugh at me, no one to look at me, why was I even trying, if it never ends well? Tears started to roll down my cheeks.
However, when I made the playlist, because of my own 'cheeky' instincts, I put the song 'There'd Better Be A Mirrorball' by Arctic Monkeys. I would always make the remark that the mirrorball was right there.
"So, if you want to walk me to the car... I'm sure to have a heavy heart..."
Now, my tears were coming in full force. I was even making noises, but I made no effort to wipe my tears away. I checked my phone, no messages... No one to check on me, either I pushed them all away, or they didn't care.
I was just about to drive, just about to end it, but I couldn't help but just overthink. Maybe things didn't need to end this way?
The song only continued, the tears gushing out, I was making ugly noises, most likely. As the bridge of the song ended, I finally opened my eyes.
"But can we please be absolutely sure...? That there's a mirrorball fo-or meee..."
That cheeky remark came back to me, maybe... Maybe I should be absolutely sure before I made a rash decision like this - Not one I could change my mind on, it was permanent.
If I was the mirrorball, maybe I had to be around for a reason, for someone.
I glanced at my writings, my poems, all of that shit from when I was too in my brain to express myself like a normal fucking person... Maybe it could mean something?
Slowly, I backed the car onto the road. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't kill myself - not yet. Life had more in store for me, the future was going to have more things to give me... Right?
I mean, it's not like death was going anywhere... I could try again in the future.
I almost smiled. I put the address for the university in the GPS. I had at least a physical direction to go in - Maybe I'd find my figurative path along the way.
I tried to find more of the simple joys in my life... It was raining, I was listening to music I love, and I was going to study English, my art could really be something. And if life decides to chew me and spit me back out - At least art, mine and others would always be there.
So I drove, listening to the music I loved, from every artist I knew and loved, trying to sprinkle some joy back into my life. I finished listening to the entire album of The Car, reflecting on my life and where it could go.
Eventually, I did pull over at some opulent hotel in a town with no significant name. Another thing that brought me happiness - I was writing all of these things in my phone, maybe I would buy a journal to jot these little happy thoughts down. Anything, anything to stay alive.
As I closed the door of my car, the song 'this is me trying' wrapped up. That would be my anthem for the next chapter of my life.
"Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down..."
