"A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honourable, but also more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

George Bernard Shaw

Hermione walked towards Dumbledore's office as quietly as possible. Curfew had already passed, but she had been a student, and she knew that it wasn't always respected. She preferred not to be noticed, even though Hogwarts was relatively protected, there were always Death Eaters or Death Eaters' children inside the school, so they might as well not report to their master.

She'd come in unannounced, but knew that Dumbledore would still be up at this hour. She tried several names for sweets before she got the right one —Chocolate frog— and slowly climbed the stairs. She heard voices, apparently the headmaster of Hogwarts was not alone. Her blood ran cold as she recognised the voice that was talking to Dumbledore.

"YOU!"

Both men turned to her, and looked at her with a strange expression. Dumbledore still wore his usual calm expression, but his eyes spoke volumes. He knew that the conversation was not going to be easy. The other had an indecipherable expression, as always, but his eyes were a mixture of emotions that Hermione couldn't quite make out.

"I warned you! I warned you that if you dared to show up after I or Lily had died, you would regret it! How dare you! If James knew..."

"Miss Grace."

"In the end, it's me who's going to tear you to shreds! I told you to stay with the Death Eaters if you were going to come after me! How dare you turn on me now! Don't you think it's too late!"

"Miss Grace."

"You mind your own business! You've got enough on your plate to worry about. And you, I never want to see again! You betrayed Lily by becoming a slave to that stupid half-blood! I hate you!"

"Helena!"

It was the first time Dumbledore had ever called her by her first name, or her print name, and he sounded both angry and desperate.

"Severus is-"

"It's totally Severus now? You've become Dumbledore's little protégé because you shed three tears and regret the death of your childhood friend?"

"HELENA!"

"Or his slave too, perhaps?"

"Helena! That's enough!"

Hermione glared at Dumbledore. What right did he have to interrupt her like that? She was venting her pent up anger at the wizard and she couldn't do it in peace? Hermione had to use all the self-control she had to avoid sending a spell at Dumbledore. She had to calm down. She could feel her magic pulsing through her body, like when she was angry, on the verge of exploding. It had calmed down since she had been 'bound' to Harry and Neville, her magical power had actually decreased, but she had to calm down before her magic destroyed Dumbledore's entire office. She inhaled several times before she began to speak again.

"I have some new information to give you as Head of the Order. I'll come back later and give it to you in private."

"You can tell me anything now, I trust Severus completely."

"That is your problem, Dumbledore. You trust too much. You trusted Tom, and never tried to stop him. Riddle immersed himself in dark magic in his first year, no one stopped him. You trusted the members of the Order, without even testing them, and Pettigrew betrayed you. You trusted your students, and as a result, some of them report your every move to their parents, who report it to their masters. So no, I will not reveal information of the utmost importance to the first person I meet. Moody will be delighted to be the first to know, I'm sure he'll keep them safe."

Hermione left hurriedly, without looking back, despite the protests of Dumbledore and Severus. She quickly reached the edge of Hogwarts and transplanted herself to her home. She entered, pushing the door open violently.

"Rem! I need to talk to you!" she shouted from the hallway.

She walked through the door to the living room, and saw that the three marauders were there and that Harry had just woken up, probably because of her. If she had known they were there, she would not have shouted like that and would have entered more calmly, she would surely have vented her anger first. They never came in the evening, after dark. It was often more dangerous, so they avoided travelling, especially with a child under two.

"Sorry, I didn't think you'd be here. Give me Harry, hopefully he'll calm down enough to go back to sleep straight away."

James carefully passed his son into Helena's arms and the witch began to rock him, all the while standing. She knew there was no point in sitting down, Harry didn't like being still.

"What are you so upset about?"

"Another stupid idea from Dumbledore. Never mind, I'll give what we found to Moody. At least I'm sure the information won't fall into the wrong hands. And you, what brings you here?"

"We had an idea. I mean Remus and I came up with the idea and James was immediately interested. You know all the newspapers support you-know-who, and the ones that didn't were killed. So we thought we had to keep giving people hope, otherwise the war would be over. So we decided to create a radio, to give all the information that Voldy is hiding!"

"A radio?" asked Hermione, memories flashing through her mind.

"Don't you think it's a good idea?"

"It's the best way. But you've taken all the consequences into account? You'll have to move, all the time. Make sure the Death Eaters don't pick up on the waves being emitted. You're going to have to protect yourself even more. And I'm not sure that's feasible with a one-and-a-half-year-old."

"The twins' radio, it was incredibly successful. A lot of people listened to it. And it allowed us to give out information, without getting caught."

"Yeah, I remember when Ron showed it to us. We came across you talking to them. We were all happy to see that you were alive and that you had come to your senses. In the end, Harry and I ended up hating it. We used to listen to the death count all day long, to make sure that no one in her family had died. Do you know how they managed to pull this off?"

"The twins were always very inventive. They moved every other day. They'd looked up a ton of passwords so they wouldn't have the same one twice."

"Bill was very good at guessing them."

"They spread the word about the witch alleys, word of mouth did the rest. And when they asked me to come along, it was through a notebook. We didn't really have a HQ anymore, you know, but we could still disapparate and use portkeys, so we passed it from house to house. As soon as someone was asked or wanted to go and see them, we used this notebook."

"So we want to create a radio station, like these twins did. But aren't the protections enough to stay in one place? For example a fidelius charm."

"I prefer not to try. The waves emitted, whether magical or electromagnetic, will be extremely powerful."

"Then we'll do it anyway" said Sirius. "James will stay with Harry. But I'd rather you were at HQ than at home alone."

"Padfoot, I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself."

"We're not going to make you take a shower, don't worry Potter" retorted Hermione.

"It's been a long time since you called me Potter."

"If you miss it so much, I can go on. But Sirius is right, you're better off here than at Godric's Hollow. Or go to your parents' house, whatever, don't be alone."

"We'll have to use nicknames for your radio" Remus said to change the subject. "We can't give our real names like that."

"Yes, that's what the Prewett twins told us, we talked to them before we came. They started to give us ideas. They haven't got it right yet for James, I suggested the cross-eyed one, but he turned it down. For Remus, I wanted the god of sex, but he turned that down too," Sirius said most seriously, as Remus blushed and James slapped him on the back of the head. "For you, they said the lightning and the reaper. Remi for his weird scar and you because you kill all your enemies."

They continued their discussion over their new radio, and no one saw Hermione blanch. The Reaper. She had been called that before. She hadn't told anyone. Her hands began to shake and she excused herself briefly before going to the bathroom. She leaned on the edge of the sink and could not stop the tears from flowing. Why did they have to call her that? No one had noticed her trouble and fortunately she would not have been able to explain herself. She was too surprised. Harry was the only one who could have understood the sudden change in his condition, but he was only a year and a half old and was fast asleep.

Hermione raised her head and looked at herself in the mirror. She was a sight to behold. Her hair was dishevelled, her eyes red and her cheeks wet. But the worst part was the shaking that was going on in her body that she couldn't stop.


"You don't think Dumbledore has the intelligence to know whether someone facing him is on his side or not?"

"It's not a question of intelligence, Rem. How can he trust him? He flipped on Lily's death, again!"

"You don't know that."

"I don't?"

"You walked into the office, yelled at them and left. They didn't explain anything to you, they didn't have time to."

"But it must have been at that time."

"Only if you ask one of them you will know for sure."

"Doesn't that concern you more than that?" said Hermione, outraged.

"What do you want me to say? He's betrayed the Death Eaters in the past. I'm not surprised if he does it again. And Dumbledore's always had his little secrets that he doesn't share with anyone."

Hermione was still upset the morning after her conversation. She had preferred to focus on this discussion rather than the one she had had with the marauders, it was disturbing enough. Despite what Remus told her, she went to Moody and gave him the list of Death Eaters and told him about Snape and Dumbledore. She was too angry to think straight, that perhaps Dumbledore had a reason, as did Severus, but she didn't think about it, putting all her hopes on Moody. She hoped that the Auror would confront Dumbledore and inform him of his reasons.


Hermione was in a Muggle convenience store, with Harry in a baby carrier. It was getting heavy, but she preferred it to the pram, it was easier to keep her hands free to do other things. Of course, she didn't make potions when she was babysitting her best friend's double, but for shopping it was convenient.

Most of the Order were on a mission, but not Hermione. She had been requisitioned to make potions, but having finished them, she had decided to go shopping. The marauders were staying more and more at HQ, Sirius and Remus working on their radio project and James trying to get Harry used to being there rather than at home. Even though he'd known the house since he was born, it wasn't the same living there. She was in a small Muggle shop, not liking going to supermarkets with Harry, she was sure there were tons of germs there, only bad things for a one year and nine month old boy.

She was buying some pasta when Harry started to get restless. He was moving around a lot and Hermione couldn't figure out why.

"Mama!"

Hermione turned around and saw a red-haired woman behind her with surprise. She didn't really look like Lily, but they had the same hair colour.

"Mama!"

"Harry, dear. That's not your mama. Lily's gone."

Harry started to cry and the looks of the people in the shop turned to them from them. Hermione didn't know what to do, Harry had never claimed his mum in front of her. He might have done it with James at first, but he had never done it when she was around. She wondered how that could be, given that it had been almost six months since Lily had been gone and Harry was still too young to have any memories of his mother.

Harry was crying louder and louder and Hermione decided to pay for what she had as quickly as possible, she would come back later for the rest. She hurried out and moved to the HQ out of sight. She put her things down in the kitchen and took off the baby carrier, she carried Harry to the sofa and tried to soothe him in her arms. She sent waves of magic through him, it was the Link that told her it was the right thing to do, but she felt it, Harry needed his family, not a woman he considered almost a stranger. She hoped James would get home soon, because even though Sirius and Remus would do for a while, Harry needed his father.

Two hours and fifty-three minutes. That was how long it took James to get home. Hermione jumped on him, checked he wasn't hurt and passed Harry over to him, who began to calm down slowly.

"What happened?" asked James, surprised to see his son in such a state.

"We were in the Muggle world, Harry saw a redheaded woman and thought it was Lily. I couldn't calm him down. He needs you."

James' face darkened and he nodded before going upstairs to his room. Hermione dropped into the couch, but was soon disturbed again as Dumbledore entered the HQ and called out to her. She was forced to lock herself in an office on the ground floor, but that didn't mean she was going to let it happen, far from it.

"Helena, we need to talk about what you thought you understood."

"I didn't think I understood. I understood very well. You arranged for Snape to join the Order without telling anyone. We all know that we are nothing more than mere pawns to you. You don't need to make a big argument, I don't need that."

"You don't know everything, Helena. Let me explain what Severus-"

"Stop giving me that sanctimonious grandfatherly air. There's nothing worse. I don't need your pseudo-compassion. I've never appreciated the way you play us, it's not going to start today. And Rem will be here for the talk you're waiting for. I'm not going to be the only one you tell about your little tricks."

She sent a patronus to Remus, ordering him to return to HQ immediately. The urgency of the situation was sufficiently clear from her tone of voice, but Hermione found it necessary to add a few threats, purely as a precaution, if Remus didn't understand.

"I am happy that you are able to make a patronus again. It means that you have improved, that you have managed to overcome your fears and your dark side."

"Dark magic never stopped me from making a patronus" she said with aplomb. It was the death of the person who mattered most to me.

"The fear of a loved one doesn't normally translate into the loss of their patronus, often the modification of it, but the loss of it, I'd never heard of such a thing."

"Just because it didn't happen to you when you lost your sister and your best friend, or boyfriend I was never very sure of your relationship, doesn't mean it doesn't happen to others. We are wizards. There is no such thing as normal."

It was at this point that Remus stormed into the office, raging at Hermione and preventing Dumbledore from responding at the same time.

"I thought you'd hurt yourself! Do you really want me to die of a heart attack at my age? Don't shout at me like that if there's nothing urgent!"

"It is urgent. Our dear Albus Dumbledore here wants to explain to me why Snape's participation in the Order is not a stupid idea at all. I wanted you to be with me, so I wouldn't have to tell you and you wouldn't say I was exaggerating."

"This is not an emergency."

"It is, Dumbledore has to kick the Death Eaters out of Hogwarts after this."

Remus sighed but didn't retort, he knew Hermione well enough to know that it wouldn't do any good. He just wanted Dumbledore to talk, and then leave, taking Hermione's obsession with the story with him. Ever since she'd seen Severus in Albus' office, she couldn't tear herself away from that conversation and the reasons why Severus had joined the Order.

"Severus has been in the Order for two years and two months."

"I beg your pardon?"

"He came to me in February 1980, asking me to join the Order."

"And you took him at his word?"

"I'm not naive, even if you seem to believe him, Helena. Of course I didn't trust him at first. He had to prove it to me. He showed me his memories, those of your conversation, but many others, very personal. He went under your enhanced veritaserum, which worked more than well. He brought me back some very important information, and I gave him some of it, to prove his trust to Tom."

"And what made him suddenly change his mind? He seemed very sure of himself when I spoke to him last time."

"It made him think. He was moved by the fact that you did it yourself, but he'll never admit it to you, be sure. Then he remembered all the times you and Lily had been close to death. And the following months only confronted him with his choice. He cares about you, Helena, just as he still cares about Lily. You were both his beacons in his storm. He lost Lily, he doesn't want to lose you either. Talk to him, I know you do too."

"Your omniscience is not perfect, Dumbledore. Don't try to decipher me. The monster never comes out of the Darkness once he's in it."