Hello! This is my third RivaMika fic! I seriously can't get enough of these two. I'm just going down the embarrassing long list of random prompts I have for them, and I finally got to check off this one. I hope you enjoy!
Only In Private
The first time he said her name, Mikasa felt like she was floating. Floating on fresh, spring air, drifting amongst pillowy clouds and blanketed by the warmth of the dawning sun, beaming on her like a soft awakening.
Mikasa stands beneath a tree in the garden of their headquarters. She looks up, then closes her eyes to recall the memory.
They were sitting on a tree branch, watching the sunset and overlooking the rest of the forest as they wait for a reasonable hour to sleep. Mikasa had been alone at first, masking in the beautiful site before her – golden sunlight seeping through the gapes of the tree branches, leaves rustling quietly in the soothing breeze, the chirpings of birds fading into the distance as they fly far, far away, away from what otherwise could've been a peaceful world had it not been for those blood hungry Titans she had devoted her heart to eliminating for the sake of humanity. A Survey Scout's promise, after all.
But then came her ever so attentive captain with no greeting other than the sound of the branch creaking from his weight as he took a seat next to her. She didn't look at him, no him she. Their eyes were fixated only at the scenery ahead, the sun alas descending to its slumber. Perhaps he also wanted to visualize a world that was everything but the cruel one they live in.
They sat in silence for a while, comfortably, until the crackling noise of fire and wood down below caught their attention. Mikasa looked down and saw her comrades Connie and Jean building a campfire to keep everyone warm for their night in before resuming their mission in the morning. She wondered if she should join them.
"It's about time those brats started setting up," judged Levi, breaking the silence and turning his body slightly to better face her, "How's your wrist?"
Mikasa blinked at him, then down at wrist, confused. It's true she had sprained her wrist a bit when she fell off her house – an amateur mistake, courtesy of her almighty squirrel that startled her steed – and landed right on top of it when she hit the ground. But she was alone then, having been way ahead of the rest of the squad, and she even felt relief from being spared from the embarrassment had anyone saw her. She definitely didn't remember Levi being around to witness it. Mikasa tried rolling her wrist, checking to see if it got any better, but she winced at the sting of the swelling. She then sighed.
"Some slight swelling, but nothing to worry about. It should be better in the morning."
"You need to be more careful," his voice was stern, "We can't afford to have you injured with what's at stake."
Mikasa's shoulders dropped a bit, feeling the weight of being the girl worth a hundred soldiers and needing to stay in perfect condition to complete the mission at hand. The prestigious title was already a heavy burden on its own. Levi must've sensed her discomfort from his words. He released a defeated sigh, in lieu of an apology she felt, and extended out his hand to her.
"Here. Let me take a look."
It took Mikasa a few seconds to recognize he was referring to her wrist. She contemplated for a moment, never really knowing what to expect from her grouchy captain, but then slowly came to her senses and slowly placed her hand palm up into his outstretched one. These were the little things they had to get used to. They are together, after all.
(Albeit, as of just the day before – because leave it to humanity's most dense pair to finally confess their feelings for each other a night before a mission – but still together nonetheless.)
Levi carefully massaged her wrist with gentle strokes and squeezes, his thumb circling over where it hurt the most. Mikasa tensed up from the ache, but it quickly subsided. She couldn't help but find his subtle ways of apologizing fascinatingly sweet, as he's never really the one to say it aloud. She'll take what she can get, for now.
"I didn't mean it like that," Levi spoke quietly, eyes still focused on his handiwork.
"Like what?" she asked, her eyes following his fingers as if the movements were spelling out the answer.
"You know what I meant to say."
It's satirical at the point, how he calls her the stubborn one. Mikasa watched his fingers then travel from her wrist to between her own, slowly interlocking them and pulling their hands to rest on his lap. Mikasa's eyes widened in surprise at the sudden hold, and she diverted her gaze to his face, only to see he was looking towards the ground, eyes a tad bit scrunched and a notable pink that formed on his cheeks. Internally, Mikasa gushed at how adorable this side of him was. This was the first time he has ever held her hand so intimately, surely he had to be at least a little bashful to react in such a way. The odd mix of timidity and stress on his expression was so interesting. She wanted to see more.
"I don't," she said, half teasing to get more expressions out of him, the other half genuinely curious since she actually didn't know what he meant to say, "Please, tell me?"
"Dammit brat," he rolled his eyes, exasperated, "Do you really need me to say it out loud?"
Mikasa nodded her head 'yes' in response. After his infamous tch rolled off his tongue, he sighed then looked down at their linked hands on his lap. Levi's thumb began to tenderly stroke the skin of her hand, in a way so comforting she wondered if it was to compose himself and his thoughts, or to reassure her of something not yet spoken. Either way, it made her heart flutter in the distinct way that only Levi can trigger out of her. So much so that she couldn't help the smile that painted across her lips even before he said anything.
Levi noticed and softly smiled back in return after releasing a chuckle that he failed to suppress. The look in his eyes was undeniably that of compassion and relief, another rare sight that she somehow felt was only reserved for her, because only with her does Levi allow himself to appear content, despite it all. She knew then what he meant to say earlier. Still, she wanted to hear it.
"I care about you, Ackerman," he let go of her hand to pat her head and tousle her hair, "Don't go hurting yourself, especially on my watch."
Mikasa's empty palm already missed the warmth of his hand, but she resisted grabbing it back so that she could playfully swat his hand away from her head.
Something else bothered her, though. The use of her last name didn't seem to have the same, cunning ring to it as before when he would say it casually towards her. Most like because he did so with practically everyone else in the squad. Perhaps it was irksome because she's not 'everyone else' anymore.
She's his. Mikasa was well aware of how childish her request is going to sound, but it has always been in her character to act upon her needs.
"Don't you think we should drop the formalities, at least when we're together?" she asked boldly, and when she saw the twitch in his brow that typically meant reluctancy, she quickly spat out a reasonable condition as her last hope, "Only in private."
He stared at her dully for what felt like eternity, and the warmth on her face only grew stronger as more seconds of awkward silence passed. Before long, she decided to break free from this odd stare down.
"Ah, forget what I –"
"Only in private?"
He had asked that, but it sounded more like a statement than a question to answer. Mikasa nonetheless answered, giving him a nod along with an innocent smile to reassure, "Only in private."
The sight of the small curve of Levi's lips always enthralled her.
"Reasonable enough."
He moved himself closer to her, scooting until they sat shoulder to shoulder, leg to leg. Mikasa tensed and felt her cheek's warmth deepen as she noted how physically close they were. If their comrades were to so much look up at the highest branch above them, they would definitely see and speculate. Both she and Levi had agreed just the day before to keep their relationship secret until they felt the time was right. It has only been a day, and she doubted that Levi would want to reveal it now while they were on a mission.
Levi, being ever so aware, noticed her worry and decided to speak to help ease her nerves. But Levi wouldn't be Levi if he didn't do so with a little, or a lot, of mischief. He turned his head and leaned in slightly, his mouth barely inches from her ear. His warm breath and alluring scent of soap and pine brought shivers down her spine and to areas she dares not yet admit to him. Then he spoke.
"Mikasa."
Her name. The way he whispered it brought upon her an enchantment, like a spellbinding song that lured her into a sweet euphoria she never wants to leave. He finally said her name. It was way sooner than she anticipated, but she didn't complain. She slowly turned her head to Levi, and being face to face granted her an even greater luxury of seeing the affectionate look in his eyes that was so captivating, so loving, so tempting that she wanted nothing more than to kiss him to ease the fire burning in her gut.
But always the intuitive one, Levi satisfies her urge and beats her to it. It was short, all but a soft brush on her lips by his own, but it was enough to leave Mikasa breathless. It was when he pulled away and presented her a heart faltering smile that she realized that indeed, this has been the man that she had loved all along.
Mikasa opens her eyes, her face still warm from the memory. It had been months since then, and she still wonders to this day what more would've happened had she not pushed him off the branch in embarrassment shortly after the kiss because he tried to lean in for another one.
Kissing Levi definitely took some getting used to; it's still a learning process, really, and so is just being with him romantically in general, if she could be so openly honest. The fact alone that their relationship must be kept hidden hinders its blossoming. Residing in a small headquarter with hundreds of scouts, leaders, and an overjubilant Hange around isn't quite charitable with privacy.
They have yet to go beyond just quick pecks whenever she sneaks to his quarters to say goodnight, or surprise kisses to her hand or check whenever they bid adieu – all in which mustn't be near not even one set of curious eyes. Watching their intimacy ever becoming more passionate has only occurred in her daydreams, much to her sensual frustration, but she trusted timing to play it out when it should. She will not push for it. Levi is a busy man, a captain first and foremost. Mikasa dares not add more on his already hefty plate.
What troubles Mikasa the most, however, is saying his name aloud, even in her own company. A tad ironic, as she was the one who had suggested they drop formalities when they're alone the first place. But even with those rare moments of being in private together, his name just won't escape her tongue. She'd still address him as captain or old man or shorty, each sounding more out of place as days of their relationship goes by and he grows more affectionate towards her. Not to be mistaken as a complete change of heart, though, since Levi still projects his cold, strict demeanor whenever he has to, even with her. After all, he still is her captain.
She envies how Levi could say her name so effortlessly, and even with his monotonous tone, he still manages to have it sound like a sweet, comforting peal, while she can't even muster enough courage to say his at all, a mere two syllables. Why? Is she too familiar with his formal title that it almost feels wrong to call him anything but? Or is it simply because she's too shy?
It's the latter, as much as Mikasa hates to admit. Shy? Her? With him? Her scoffs pathetically at herself. She literally brawls with man for training, spewing vulgar language his way to get under his skin, and throwing low blows, both figuratively and literally, to bruise his obnoxious ego. She once had to be pulled off him from fellow scouts because she was a second and a half away from strangling him to oblivion– though, in fairness, he had snapped and told her she was "a moody brat with no identity other than being Eren's shadow" just moments before, so she still believes he deserved it.
Perhaps the hesitation derives from a fear; a fear that if she calls him by his name, with the intention as her lover instead of her superior, the realness of their relationship will only make it hurt more when it ends. He will always be her captain, but will he always be hers? Mikasa frowns. She knows it's irritational to assume that it will end when there has been no indication – she fights herself from saying yet – of Levi wanting to part ways. She so desperately wants to make what she has with Levi last, forever if she could, should their cruel, Titan-infested world with no promise of tomorrow allow them.
As strong as she may be, a woman's still no match for a broken heart. Mikasa confesses to her fear of being rejected, feeling unworthy. Because she has loved before so deeply, giving up her whole heart and devotion, only to still suffer from what she fears most: loneliness. She made that mistake with Eren, and she's terrified of it possibly happening again with Levi, the man she least expected to bring life to her days and make her once again believe in hope, in second chances, and in her worth.
Being with him is like a breath of fresh air, a calming aura that relieves her from the heaviness of simply existing in this dark realm of mortality and madness. With him, she can breathe, breathe and for once in her entire life since her parents' traumatizing death, feel normal, feel free from the unjust chains of expectations, and most of all, feel alive, like she was supposed to be here, to exist… with him.
Mikasa blushes. That's explains why her name has such a special ring to it whenever he says it. Because when he says it, it never sounds like a desperate cry for saving, or a demand to only focus on being humanity's only hope. It just sounds like he's calling for her. For her presence. For her to notice him.
Her heart sinks. Is she being unfair? Has she been depriving him of such blissful feelings? Would she have the same effect on him if she called him…
"Le…vi."
She says it in a whisper, and then immediately squats down to her knees to cover her hot face from the many puzzling feelings that dawns her. She feels childishly giddy, lips hurting from trying to fight the urge to smile like a little girl whose secret crush just waved at her. There's this weird sense of victory she feels from finally being able to have said his name aloud, and it makes her so indisputably happy. She lifts her head, the cool breeze soothing the warmth on her cheeks. The urge won. Her heart was racing, and it gives her this odd rush to want to say it again.
"Levi."
This time, she speaks a bit louder and giggles at how ticklish her heart is. His name sounds so different falling from her lips; so light, so warm, and so addicting.
"Levi."
Mikasa looks up to see the sky with the silly smile on her face, as if to say his name out to the world and share these exhilarated feelings…
"Le—"
…only to see the very person who belongs to the name she's been repeating.
"…vi?"
He stands behind her, bent over and looking down to where his face is above hers. His bangs hover above her nose and it's only when he raises a brow that she snaps back to reality and fully recognizes his startling presence. She jolts up in surprise, accidentally headbutting Levi's face in the process. Mikasa gasps. Levi dizzily stumbles a few steps backwards, hand to his nose that reddened from the impact.
"Fucking hell, Ackerman!" he groans, rubbing his nose to ease the burn.
"You scared me!" Mikasa blurts out, face growing hotter from the suddenness and embarrassment of it all, "It's your fault for sneaking up on me!"
(Pointing fingers is their favorite way to argue.)
"Tch. I wasn't sneaking up on you, you brat" he replies, annoyance in his tone, "I saw you squatting on the floor like you're about to take a shit, so I got worried and approached you to see what was wrong. Assumed you had a stomach cramp."
"I'm fine," Mikasa rolls her eyes, irritated by his crude choice of words. She inhales deeply and lets out a deep sigh before holding her elbow and relaxing her stance to really look at him, "Why are you here anyways?"
Levi just scoffs, "I just told you. I saw you and I got worried."
Mikasa blinks at him dully, feeling quite dumb for asking when he did indeed already tell her. She rubs her arms sheepishly, and only manages to let out a flat, "Oh," in response.
A small wave of guilt crashes onto her as she stares at him looking back at her with his serious eyes that others would easily mistake for impassive. Mikasa didn't tell anyone that she was heading off to the gardens after practice, so Levi finding her here certainly meant he was looking for her. She didn't specifically tell Levi her whereabouts because she wanted to clear her mind – about him – but perhaps she should've just been honest for common courtesy as his girlfriend. He got worried, and in return, she headbutted the man. He could've approached me differently, Mikasa stubbornly pouts, but then surrenders knowing that still doesn't excuse her attack. Letting go of her pride, she steps up to him and gently trails her thumb across his nose. It feels warm.
"I'm sorry," Mikasa says quietly, giving him a soft, apologetic smile, "Thank you for worrying about me."
"If you weren't such an impulsive, moody brat, I wouldn't have to worry so much," he snorts, "I could very well still write you up for disappearing without notice."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Mikasa chuckles at his fake-mad tone that implicates he already forgave her. Her hands travel down tug on both sides of his uniform lapel, straightening out the creases, "Whatever you say, captain."
She was just about done until he asks:
"Any particular reason you were calling for me?"
Mikasa's hand froze. It didn't take long for it to sink in that Levi heard her repeatedly call out his name to herself. She feels the heat rise back to her cheeks as her eyes remain wide and stuck on his. A small smirk was forming on his lips, seemingly taking pleasure in her humiliation. Damn bastard's enjoying this, she thinks irritably. She also wants to damn him for being so handsome because the way he amusingly looks at her is picking up her already fastened heartbeats.
Mikasa looks away hopelessly and loosens her grip to let go of his lapel, only for Levi to grab her hands in each of his and keep them in their place. Her eyes forcibly shift back to his, him having full view now of her tainted cheeks, pouted lips, and scrunched expression.
"What happened to 'only in private'?" he asks teasingly.
Damn him. "I was just…practicing," she mumbles, glancing to the side. As peculiar as it sounded, it is the truth.
"Practicing," he repeats the word keenly, then squeezes her hands to prompt her to look at him, "Let's hear it, then."
Damn him to hell! Her eyes shoot back to his,"W-what?"
Suddenly, his cavernous blue eyes darken into a deeper shade of longing and greed. The teasing smirk still remains, but Mikasa can tell by how intensely he gazes into her eyes that he's actually very serious. Still tongue-tied from this unforeseen request of his, Levi continues to taunt her, bringing his forehead to hers to level their stare. Mikasa blushes fiercely, not just with how temptingly close his mouth hovers that she feels his breath warm on her lips, but with how very much out in the open they are. Anyone can pass through any minute, being that they're in the public garden of the headquarters, and Mikasa can't even bring herself to imagine the reactions of their comrades walking in on her and their captain literally face to face, hand in hand.
Levi, however, seems as unfazed as can be, still holding her hands captive on his chest, his gentle yet firm grip showing no intent of letting go. Her heart is at her throat, beating so rapidly she's unsure if she's even breathing. Mikasa's head starts to spin, she feels elated from all the nerves spiraling within her, miserably torn between wanting to just jam her lips onto his or push him off and run away.
Levi gives her no time to decide.
"I want to hear you," he whispers huskily, his tone seductive, "Say my name."
She feels a fiery rush blaze straight from her cheeks to her core, it makes her weak in the knees. The tantalizing effect this man's voice has on her alone is dangerous, deadly even. Now she absolutely wants to claim his lips, public indecency be damned. Knowing that there is no way out of this unless she caves into his demand, she submits, hoping he will reward her with what her mouth so desperately craves.
"Levi."
She did it. But she can't even celebrate with the way this man keeps her awestruck.
He slants his head slightly. Their noses touch.
"Again."
"Levi."
"One more time."
"Lev—"
He kisses her, so soft and so sudden, throwing her completely off guard. Her eyes grow big in surprise, but she does not move; the warm look in his eyes as he pulls away keeping her grounded in place. The disappointment of it being so short-lived doesn't get the chance to settle, because he leans in again, capturing her, this time with more fervor, more tenderness, she really thinks she might faint. She freaks out momentarily at the intensity of the new move and sensation, seeing as this is the first time they pushed further than their innocent pecks, so she worries if she's even kissing back properly. He is the only man whose lips she has ever touched her own. But his satisfaction is very telling in the way that he releases his hands to cup her face and deepen the kiss, passion just pouring from his movements, forcing out a small gasp from Mikasa against his lips as she shuts her eyes, delirious from it all. She feels his fingers tense.
He pulls away suddenly and slowly pushes her off, his hands firm on either side of her arms. She opens her eyes and becomes very aware of her heaving chest and the overpowering heat all over her body. She still melts under Levi's dark, sultry stare, and she notices that he, too, is breathing quite heavily. This view is one like she's never seen before, and she soaks it in, not ever wanting to forget how mesmeric he looks. She hopes to see more of this side of him.
Levi takes in a deep breath and slowly exhales out, seemingly musing himself back to earth as he slides his hands down her arm. He reclaims her hands in each of his and brings one up to his lips. There's a pleasant wave of familiarity with this touch that calms Mikasa. She can't help but smile as he keeps her hand there for a little while longer.
"Dammit, Mikasa, what you do to me…"
He spoke so quietly against her skin, Mikasa barely makes out what he was saying. But she catches the authenticity in the way he says her name and realizes then just how much Levi adores her. And she, him.
And like a switch, the
"Was that so hard?" Levi pushes her forehead away with his finger, "I've been waiting for you to say it, you brat." He turns and tilts his head at her as he walks forward, motioning her to follow him, "Let's go. It's time for dinner."
She rubs her forehead and follows alongside him, still entranced by what conspired between their lips just minutes ago. They walk in unison, steps feeling light under her feet. She puts her hands behind her back and looks over to him, examining his side features. His sharp jaw, groomed hair, soft skin – there's no denying this man's good looks. It's almost unfair. But only her being able to see and feel him in ways no one else could definitely makes up for it.
Mikasa then becomes curious.
"Levi?"
"Mm?"
"We weren't in private."
He chuckles out a scoff, "It was private enough."
Mikasa playfully nudges him, "You're being so risky."
"Those shitty brats can watch for all I care," she sees him roll his eyes, "Maybe then they'll finally get the hint to back off what's mine."
"Yours?" Mikasa emphasizes the word, stunned but more amused by the sudden reveal of his possessiveness.
He looks at her like she asked a dumb question, with scrunched eyes and a furrowed brow, "Yes, mine. You have no idea how hard it is for me to not kiss you when we're in public when all I see are shameless pigs undressing you with their eyes. Those shitheads will get it then."
She can't tell if he is joking or not, but a radiant smile still spreads across Mikasa's features, relishing in this new, profound joy of Levi being more open and honest with her. Levi already having urges to expose their relationship so that they no longer have to carry the weight of a hidden love makes her hopeful.
"I won't stop you."
Levi blinks and stares at her for a moment longer, appearing deep in thought. He then looks ahead as they continue their way back. She sees a smile pull up from the corner of his lips, and though she can't see it fully, she feels its unspoken promise. Eyes still forward, Levi extends his arm to her. She accepts the invite and links her arm around his.
FIN
I hope you enjoyed the story! Kind reviews are greatly appreciated, and please stay turned for more!
