The Unknowing
Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans or anything dealing with DCU
Chapter Seven: Losing Control
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Third Point of View
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It's been almost twenty four hours and she still hasn't woken up. One minute they're teleporting to the cave and the next thing he knows she's laying on the floor, body convulsing.
Dick and Jason got her to the medical wing immediately but they soon realized they had no idea what was going on or how to help her. Thankfully it didn't take long for her to settle down, in fact now she just looked like she was sleeping. Unfortunately whatever happened to her wouldn't be explained until she wakes up. Assuming, she even knows what the hell is going on with her.
Jason can tell Dick is trying to remain unphased but he's doing a poor job at it. It's tearing him up that he can't help her, even more so that he has no way of finding out since she is only half human. Seeing him care this much for one of his old team members left him with such a bittersweet feeling on his tongue. Did Dick care this much for him when he died? Did it tear him apart that he would never see him again? A street kid who ended up not having what it takes to make it in this world. Or was he glad that he was finally out of the picture? After all, Dick was the first Robin. That's a title that he could never take from him. Jason will always be in Dick's shadow, always falling second in line. Bruce's second choice until something better came along.
As his thoughts started him down a long, dark corridor, his body stiffened in anticipation. Afraid of what could happen if he let his mind wander further and further away. What waits for him at the end? He knows the answer but doesn't want to think about it anymore. Pain and anguish. Rage and guilt. It always ended the same way. His mind spirals with dark thoughts, thoughts he's afraid to say aloud and ones he knows to be true no matter how much he wished they weren't.
The pit had a way of taking control of him. Mind, body and soul. If he even had a soul anymore. The pit took so much from him and gave him more. Unfortunately it gave him more than he wanted. He had always been on the more emotional side, hot tempered and impulsive but that still was a far cry better than he can be now. Now he needed to stay in control of the pit every second of every day and it was taxing on his mind. Not to mention the physical toll it had on his body.
He needed to control his rage so it didn't control him. So he wouldn't go off on a killing spree through Gotham. The world would be a better place without the likes of Joker and Black Mask being around but what would that leave him with? Without a family to go back to? He learned the hard way what it was like being on his own. Don't get Jason wrong, he enjoyed nothing more than answering only to himself and going as he pleases. That will never change but during his lowest parts, the times he was utterly alone and in need of help, he was reminded that everyone needs help from time to time. Somewhere you can go, where they have to take you in. Home.
The only place they'll forgive you.
Sighing, Jason heads in to see if there's any changes in her condition. A groan catches his attention.
Raven opens her eyes and tries to sit up. "What happened?"
"No idea, Sunshine, we were hoping you could explain it to us. You teleported us here and then passed out."
She furrows her brows and rubs her forehead. "I don't…" She trails off, thinking only something she knows before she meets my eyes and gulps. It's only briefly before she looks to her lap.
The action makes him pause but when it's clear she isn't going to answer, he calls for Dick. It only takes a minute before he's rushing in and to her side.
"Raven, you scared us. How are you feeling?"
She sighs as she runs her hand through her violet locks. "I'm fine, it was nothing."
"Rae, you were out for twenty four hours. You call that nothing?" He's already looking at her chart and giving her a one over.
"I said I'm fine, Dick."
Raven's shortness caused Dick and Jason to pause, taking them by surprise as Raven huffed and attempted to stand up on wobbly legs.
"Yeah, you're the pinnacle of good health. Ready to take down anyone, right?"
Raven shot Jason a look that would make most people cower in fear and regret saying anything. Most people but not Jason. At the most, he looked bored, even amused as he watched the witch shakily stand and glare his way.
What was most unexpected was the room suddenly losing all the light until it was pitch black and freezing. If he thought her nightmares made it eerie to be around her, then he wasn't sure what this compares to. It felt like all the good in the world was gone until there was only sadness.
Sadness within him. Anger. Distrust. Betrayal. Anxiety. Resentment. Jealousy. And above all, the strongest emotion that was currently creeping in every dark crevasse of his mind, body and soul; fear. Fear of what though?
All he could feel was his fear. The fear of not knowing where his next meal is coming from. The fear Bruce will bench him as Robin. The fear he felt in the last moments with Joker. The fear of not having any friends to support him when he came back to life. Not really, not like Dick would have had. The fear doesn't stop there. The biggest fear he has is for himself. That one day his rage will get the better of him and he finally loses himself to the pit. Or worse, himself.
Life is funny, one moment you're doing your own thing, minding your own business and then the next you're feeling every negative emotion you've ever felt in your entire life all at once. The strong emotions were deafening to his ears, he didn't even notice as he dropped to his knees and clutched his ears in an attempt to lessen the pain. It didn't work.
His mind doesn't stop spiraling and his world is void of all light as his shoulders shake uncontrollably. He doesn't recognize the gentle touch to his forehead, warming his essence. Taking the pain away within a blink of an eye.
His senses kick back in, as if nothing has happened. He's in control of his body again and instead of kneeling on the floor, he's lunging for her. The one closest to him.
The one who did this to him. Made him relive it all.
He hears someone shouting his name, probably Dick, but he pays it no mind. His eyes are trained on the dark witch in front of him as he pins her to the wall. Her eyes are wide, wider and more scared than he's ever seen before. He can feel her fear so closely, he felt like he could taste it on his tongue. It tastes spicy.
"What. Did. You. Do. Witch?" He managed to growl out behind clenched teeth.
"I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean-"
"Didn't mean to what exactly?" He tightened his grip on her shoulder, causing her to whimper. "You're losing your shit so you wanted to make me feel like shit too? Is that it?"
Pools of water started welling up in her big purple eyes but none fell over. She was scared but he got the strangest feeling it wasn't because of him. No, she was scared about something else, something worse than him.
Before either can say anything more, Jason feels a strong hand rip him off Raven and back a few feet. He turns to see an equally angry Dick glaring at him.
"What the fuck is your problem? You know what, I don't care what happened, don't put your hands on her again. Got it?"
"Dick, it's my fault," Raven started to say until Jason's crude laughter cut her off.
"Yeah, Dickhead, listen to your friend. Wasn't my fault, she's the one who invaded my head because she had a bad day. Or was it some sick joke you wanted to play because you're bored? Or maybe…"
Jason takes a step closer to Raven until one look from Dick stops him. He can feel the pit rising within him but he doesn't care. His eyes are probably a bright green by now but that doesn't stop him either.
"The day has come that you've finally lost your mojo. You're spiraling, Raven. You can't control your powers anymore, can you?"
He tilts his head to the side, waiting for her to respond or make a move but she wouldn't meet his gaze. His already short patience was gone, the pit was itching for a fight. He hated people being in his head and for what? Because she can't deal with her own shit? Normally Jason would have to do something very stupid to get himself in this position but that wasn't even the case this time. He was genuinely worried for her, and has been since she passed out. This drama was more than he signed up for.
"Just back off her, don't be an asshole, Jason."
"Me?! She's the one who reminded me of every negative emotion I've ever felt all at once! I felt it all, Dick! And you want me to calm down?!" He looked between the two and sighed. "You know what? Fuck you both, I'm done with this shit."
"Jason, wait!"
He ignored his calls as he made a beeline for the exit. It was only when he was reaching for the door that he felt her presence behind him. He expected to get annoyed but all he felt was calmness. As he turned to face her, she lightly touched his arm. Her hand is cold to the touch and smooth against his roughened skin.
With a simple touch, he can feel the pit slowly start to slither deeper into him, until he can barely feel it at all. He lets out a sigh of relief, feeling more like himself. Better than himself actually. Normally the pit has a stronger presence within him but now it was buried so deep in him that he could almost forget it was even there. He felt good.
"I'm so sorry, Jason. I lost control for a minute and lashed out, I never meant to cause you any harm." Raven took several steps back, not once meeting his gaze. "What I did was wrong, I wasn't in control of myself. I would never intentionally hurt either of you."
He could hear the sincerity in her words. She was telling the truth.
Now that his pit infused rage subsided, he could get a clear look on his current situation. Raven was standing before him, obviously embarrassed and ashamed for losing her shit and attacking him. Her shoulders slumped and her eyes downcast while she nibbled on her lower lip. She was scared.
In a way he felt bad for her. She looked frailer than when Dick and him first met up with her. He rubbed the back of his neck unsure what to say. The pit took over him as well, he would never put hands on a woman. The pit had been a bit worse lately but he thought he had a better hold on it. He hadn't meant to lose his temper so he supposed he couldn't be too mad at her. But the emotions that cursed through him could not be forgotten.
"Just… make sure not to do it again. Not exactly my idea of a good time."
Raven nodded in response, not trusting her voice. He was right, she felt like she was spiraling and that alone scared her to her core. She's one of the most powerful people to live, she couldn't afford to lose her cool.
Jason left without another word and Raven couldn't blame him. If she was him then she would get as far away from her as humanly possible.
Her attention was ripped from her thoughts when she felt Dick's hand on her shoulder, bringing her in for a tight hug. She instinctively nuzzled in closer as he rested his chin on her head and rubbed her back.
"You know I'm not going to let anything happen to you, Raven. No matter what's going on, I got your back. Jason has his own set of problems he deals with. I'll make sure to talk with him."
"It's fine, Dick, it was my fault to begin with. If you felt what he felt then you wouldn't be happy with me either." Raven took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She repeated that a couple times before continuing, "I don't feel like myself anymore. I-I feel different."
"Different, how?"
"Besides losing control and not being able to focus?" She replied sharply.
Dick has always been so patient with her, never giving up on her no matter what. He was the one who suggested she join the team even though she warned them she's dangerous. He was the one that would always ask if she was okay or if she needed to talk. He would even respect her boundaries when she said she wanted to be left alone. Out of all the Titans, she was closest with Dick. They understood each other on a different level. She couldn't be more thankful to have him in her life.
Needless to say she was thankful he ignored her tone of voice and continued to rub circles on her back while she gathered her thoughts. He knew she wasn't upset at him and wouldn't hold it against her.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"Rae, you don't owe me an apology. I understand that this is difficult for you and I want to help you in any way that I can. I'm here for you." He pulled back to look her in the eyes, showing her he truly means what he said.
Sighing, she nodded and took a step back. "Thank you, Dick. I guess I just feel… off. Like I'm not fully me anymore. I don't know how to explain it but I feel like I have missing puzzle pieces and I can't find them anywhere. Everyday feels like another puzzle piece goes missing, making me feel less and less like myself."
Dick rubbed his chin in thought. "So we'll find your missing puzzle pieces then."
"You make it sound so easy."
"You're the one making it sound difficult." He chuckled when she rolled her eyes at him. "Alright, so it's not the easiest thing in the world but it's also not the hardest thing in the world. We'll take it one day at a time. We finally have a lead on our mission. Soon we'll have another one and after that another one. We'll figure out what's going on and put a stop to it. Permanently. But first, care to tell me why you passed out?" He crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. "You made me worried sick."
"Dick, I'm sorry I worried you. I just think everything hit me all at once, ya know? Everyone's emotions are a bit much lately and not meditating…" She trails off as her mind looks for an answer. She knows there's only one thing she can say that will relax him. "I'll take it slower for the next few days."
"I think that's a good idea." He nods, feeling better that she'll be taking it easier.
She cares for everyone else more than herself and because of that, often forgets to take care of herself. He discovered that when they were still teenagers. That's why he made it a point to check on her periodically. The only time he hadn't was recently and now he's kicking his ass for it.
Getting almost killed from a gunshot wound to your head will make you think differently. For most. He on the other hand lost focus on the right thing, let himself get distracted. His mind was one giant mess of fog for months after he woke up. For a while, everything was slow going, even training. It wasn't until he saw Kory, that that light started shining in his bleak world again. They had been on a short break beforehand but he was glad that was over with now. She saved him with her burning light, bringing warmth to his heart. Everything clicked when his eyes landed on her bright green ones. The most beautiful eyes he's ever seen.
Their relationship once more jump started to life but this time stronger. He was more dedicated than ever and he knew he wanted to marry her one day and start a family. There's no doubt in his mind but he forgot to be a friend to someone else. He forgot to check in with Raven, his best friend. His heart hurt as guilt squeezed around it tightly. He'll never make that mistake again.
"Leave Jason to me, I'll talk with him."
"Wait, I'll go. I'm the one who… started whatever that was so I should be the one to talk to him," Raven replied as she made her way to the door but stopped to look back at her longtime friend. "Thank you, Dick, for everything."
He smiled when he saw the corner of her lip raise slightly. He meant what he said, he would do whatever he needed to do to help her. He just hoped he could help them all from whatever was brewing beyond their walls.
