J

I heard the dark shadow whisper "she's not breathing" before his lips pressed into mine. The shadow's warm breath was stale and lifeless, and tasted like a mixture of blood and cigarettes. I felt the shadow's strength when he touched my face, pinching my nose with force.

Ow, that hurts! Be gentle!

The wind that he blew into my chest burned my lungs like fire.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" a female voice cried out. Her halo glowed like a sparkling rainbow around her head. "I tried to stop!" she sobbed.

Don't worry heavenly angel. It's okay! I tried to say, but no words came from my mouth. I wanted to calm her, stop her from crying. Why can't I speak to her?

"Miss Jennie!" the male voice cried, blowing another gust of searing wind into my chest. His third gust filled my soul; I felt my breast rise to the sky towards the light. The wind scorched me from inside and I squeezed my eyes tight from the pain.

Everything was dark again; my body craved new air. My mouth and eyes flew open when my lungs pulled in a sharp breath on their own. I gasped repeatedly for more air; it couldn't come into my body quick enough.

Dazed and disoriented, my eyes tried to refocus on all the faces that looked down at me. Some faces were sideways, some were upside down. How peculiar! I tried to reason with these new visions but the burn in my chest and the taste of blood in my mouth overpowered those thoughts. Who are these people? Why am I lying in the street?

I turned my head to see who was talking to me. It was Jimmy Pop; he was kneeling next to me.

"Oh Miss Jennie. Oi!" he cried.

"Oh Miss Jennie! Stop taking pictures of her!" Jimmy yelled. He tried to shield my body with his own.

I wanted to get up; I didn't want to be laying in the cold snow and the street. When I tried to move, the pain blasted in my gut and radiated out towards my hips.

In the distance I could hear the screaming sound of sirens; the noise was coming towards me.

"Don't move, don't move! Stay still!" another voice shouted at me.

The shrill of sirens was more pronounced now. Their tones changed as they approached. I could see the red and blue flashing lights reflecting off the puddles on the wet street.

"Jimmy," I choked. "Jimmy." The blood in my mouth clogged my throat.

I looked at the old, Italian man kneeling next to me; his eyes were wrinkled and wet with tears.

"My purse…" I garbled. "Phone. Call Lisa."

"Move back, everyone move back," I heard a man shouting. A new face appeared in my vision; this one too was upside down. I felt the leather of his gloves when he wrapped his fingers around the sides of my head. Even though his face was reversed, he still looked familiar.

"Don't try to move," he cautioned me. "Tell me your name."

"Jennie." I tried to swallow. The blood tasted horrible. "Jennie… Kim."

"Jennie, it's Officer Carlton. The ambulance is on its way. Are you allergic to any medicines?"

"No." I felt relief knowing I'd be rescued soon.

"Can you tell me what happened?" the officer questioned.

I could see from the corner of my eye that Jimmy Pop had my phone in his hand. He and another man were fumbling with it. If they would just hand me the phone I could call Lisa. "Give me…" I weakly asked, holding my arm out to them.

"Jennie!" Do you remember what happened?" Officer Carlton asked again with more urgency.

"I was… crossing the street. She was… car… waiting." I tried to lift my left arm and point in the direction where Angelica's car was, but when I tried the pain shot down into my elbow. My arm must be broken.

"I didn't see." I tried to swallow. The blood was congealing in my mouth.

"Oh, Miss Lisa, Miss Lisa. It's Jimmy. Oh, come. You come quick! Miss Jennie, she's been hit by a car! Oh, ho, ho!" He started to cry.

New sirens joined in the mix of noise and confusion. They seemed to come from all directions towards me, and they had different tones.

"I'm alive," I mumbled, hoping Jimmy would tell Lisa the same. The police officer that was holding my head still kept asking me questions.

"Um, I'm on the pill... just birth control." I answered his question about what medicine I take. Someone covered me with a blanket.

"She's talking to the police," I heard Jimmy say in the phone. At least she knew I was alive. Oh, Lisa, I cried inside.

"Ambulance is here. You come now!" Jimmy ordered. "I don't know. I find out."

I was glad that the police made the crowd move away from me. There was too much going on; it was confusing.

"Tell me your name," a new voice asked. Latex clad hands replaced the policeman's hands and I was looking at a new upside down face. The paramedic was attending to me now.

"Jennie Kim." I tried to pick dried blood off my lip. It felt strange to talk; my lip seemed way too big. Swollen. My right arm moved with only the slightest bit of pain.

"I'm twenty-seven," I muttered, answering his age question.

He asked me the same questions about medicines and allergies. Just get me off the damn cold street is what I really wanted to say. My head was wrapped in some red colored rubber collar thing. It made me feel claustrophobic when they squeezed it to my cheeks. No longer could I glance at Jimmy Pop and the phone that connected me to Lisa.

I heard the ambulance driver tell Jimmy that I'd be transported to Saint Luke's Hospital, which was one town over. He conveyed the message to Lisa. I was so relieved that she knew where to find me. I'd never make it to Miami or her hotel... not today.

The ambulance crew rolled me to my side; I cried out in pain when they rolled me onto my arm. Slowly they rolled me onto my back and I was strapped down in place on a stiff board.

"I tried to cross the street. We have a stalker. She was waiting, in her car." I had to catch my breath. The pain in my stomach was excruciating. "I thought she was going to run me over. So I ran. I ran. I didn't see the other car. I wasn't looking." My words came easier now, even though my teeth were starting to chatter together and my lip felt twenty pounds over-inflated.

"Officer," the paramedic shouted. I had to repeat my story.

"Angelica… Staunton. She's… stalking me and my girlfriend. She must have gotten out of jail. We have a restraining order; it's in my purse." I tried to point. It hurt to breathe. "She was waiting in her car, and she pulled away from the curb when she saw me. I thought she was going to hit me, so I ran. I didn't see." I swallowed hard. "I didn't see the other car. It was my fault."

I was glad to finally be up and off the street, even though I was lying on a stiff board. I know they tried to be careful but I was still jostled a bit when they rolled me into the ambulance.

The cameras flashed repeatedly off the glass in the ambulance. Great, more embarrassing publicity - just what Lisa needs!

I felt a needle stick me in the arm, but the discomfort was minimal. Needles, tape, questions, shoes removed… my head swirled.

The sirens blazed to life and we were finally on our way to the hospital. About time!

I sighed, relieved we were moving. My eyes glanced over at the paramedic; he had menacing silver scissors in his hand. No sooner did the ambulance get going, he stuck the scissors into the pants leg of my jeans and started cutting.

"What are you doing?" I panicked as he cut my jeans, the same jeans I was wearing the first day I met Lisa.

"Stay calm, Miss Kim. I need to assess the level of your injuries."

I closed my eyes while he cut up the front of both legs of my jeans, all the way to my waist. Next he cut through the layers of my shirts, snipping my white lace bra open between my breasts. He cut my underwear and pushed the tattered, wet remains of my clothing out of his way, exposing my naked body. I felt like I was being raped and there was nothing I could do about it.

All my clothes were cut, one by one, piece by piece, from my body. Tears formed and dripped out of the corners of my eyes.

He started running his hands from the top of my head down every part of my body and I shivered with fear. He squeezed my arms, stopping at my left wrist when I cried out. Damn, it's definitely re-broken.

He was listening with his stethoscope and when he ran his hands over my ribs the pain it generated made me moan out in agony. He squeezed my legs; I was glad that it didn't cause any major pain. I could feel every touch of his warm hands. I was naked, fully exposed, and freezing.

He hooked me up with that annoying oxygen thing that fits in your nostrils. Although it was uncomfortable, it actually helped.

"I'm freezing." My teeth chattered. I was glad when he finally covered me with a nice, thick blanket.

"Unit 1784 inbound, ten to twelve minute ETA…"

"Is the driver okay?" I asked when he finished talking on the radio.

"Let's just worry about you right now," he flatly replied.

"What did I hit?" I murmured.

"It was an SUV ma'am," he answered.

"I remember silver. Was it silver colored?" My eyes squinted, trying to remember the details.

"Yes, it was." He nodded.

I sighed, relieved that I could remember.

The paramedic and his partner wheeled me through the glass doors of the emergency room where I was immediately rolled into a curtained room. Nurses and doctors descended like flies and I was moved from the stretcher to the hospital gurney.

I spent the next five hours being poked, prodded, X-rayed, and MRI'd. I had a new IV stuck in the top of my right hand and a clip to measure something was snapped on my finger. Everything was taped securely in place. I had a rectal exam, a vaginal exam, was stuck repeatedly with needles, and they took my blood pressure with that stupid automatic machine a thousand times.

During the moments that I wasn't being poked or quizzed, I allowed myself to cry. I felt so alone; I just wanted to see Lisa. I needed her to hold me.

Eventually my left arm was wrapped in a cast, from my hand to my elbow. The doctor gave me a brown wrap because he said the color matched my eyes. I think he was just trying to calm me.

An older female orderly wheeled me back into the emergency room, returning me to the same little curtain area I was in before. A doctor and a nurse came in a few moments later; the nurse was pushing a large machine into the room with her.

"Ms. Kim, I'm Doctor Willsten. I'm the attending OBGYN. We have the results of your urinalysis and you've tested positive for being pregnant. We're going to do an ultrasound of your uterus."

"What?" My thoughts spun wildly. I shook my head in disbelief. "Um, that's impossible. I can't be pregnant. I take birth control pills. You must be mistaken."

He smiled as he wrote something on a clipboard. "You know that birth control pills are not one hundred percent effective in preventing pregnancy. Have you recently taken any other types of medications? Any over-the-counter products?"

I remembered how sick I was after Thanksgiving, but that was weeks ago. "I had a bad sinus infection and bronchitis at the beginning of December. My doctor gave me antibiotics."

Doctor Willsten looked up from his paperwork and smiled at me again. "That will cancel out the effectiveness of the birth control medicine."

I heard a commotion coming from outside my room, distracting me momentarily.

"She's this way," I heard a female voice say. I pulled the cover up higher to my neck in case reporters or photographers were going to come ripping around the corner.

The weight of a thousand worries lifted off my chest when Lisa came running around the curtain. She rushed right to my side.

"Honey, are you all right?" she kissed my face, my forehead. I knew I had a busted lip. I could feel it was swollen. "Oh Honey," she cried out softly. Her eyes looked me over to assess the damage.

Tears of relief streamed down my cheeks; all I could do was nod my head.

"I was just about to review the extent of her injuries with her," the man with the Doctor Carlino nametag announced. "Could we please get you to wait outside for a moment, sir?"

"No," I said fiercely, holding Lisa's hand with my good hand. "She stays. This is my girlfriend."

Doctor Carlino nodded. "We have reviewed all the test results and I'm happy to inform you that your injuries are minimal. Your left ulna is fractured above the wrist, but as you see we've already addressed that with a cast. Your ribs are severely bruised, but luckily there are no fractures. You'll be quite sore for several weeks though. The contusions on your skin will eventually fade. We will treat your injuries with pain management medications. Your lip and face are swollen from the impact, but fortunately it doesn't require stitches. And you've got a fair amount of bruising and what we call 'road rash' but that will all heal with time. We expect you to make a full recovery." He smiled. "My colleague, Doctor Willsten, has been called in to assess the fetal risk."

I looked up at Lisa; she was trying to soak that one in.

I gasped in a few ragged breaths.

"Lisa, they just told me I'm pregnant." My voice was shaky with fear of telling her this news. "I'm sorry," I whispered. My eyes flickered back to her.

"Pregnant?" she shook her head slightly. "I thought…"

"The doctor said that the antibiotics I took a couple of weeks ago could have affected my birth control pill." I felt a tear leave my eye. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"I'd like to do an ultrasound now," Doctor Willsten announced, rolling the cart closer to the bed.

My legs were draped in a sheet while the doctor inserted a long probe inside me. The anxiety of finding out that I was pregnant made my legs shake.

"Ow…" I winced from the pain.

"Sorry, I know it's uncomfortable." My pain didn't stop him.

The doctor was hitting a lot of buttons, taking some sort of readings. He marked an X at one end of a circle and another X on the opposite side. I was staring intently at the monitor, wondering how the hell he knew what he was looking it.

"You're about six and a half weeks along. Hmm." He looked at a little calendar and counted backwards. "Christmas baby!" He smiled at us. I felt Lisa squeeze my hand.

He clicked a few more buttons and we heard this strange noise over the machine's speaker. It was a fast whooshing noise.

"What is that?" Lisa asked hesitantly.

"That's the heartbeat," the doctor stated.

The machine printed out a picture, which the doctor handed to Lisa. "That's the embryo."

Lisa leaned on my pillow next to my head. A huge smile crossed her face.

"That's our baby? I'm going to be a dada? Oh, Jen!" she kissed my forehead.

I was so scared to see how she would react. Nervous visions of her being angry and fleeing the emergency room were instantly replaced by calm and joy. I was so relieved that she seemed okay with the news. Our life had just made a monumental turn in a new direction.

Doctor Willsten spoke to another doctor on the other side of the curtain. I could only make out several words, some of which were "continue to monitor" and "possible placental abruption." When he returned to speak to me, his face was stoic.

"Ms. Kim, we have a private room ready for you now. We're going to move you to the neo-natal wing. We've noticed some abnormalities on the ultrasound. We're going to continue to monitor you overnight just to keep an eye on things. The impact from the accident was centered on your abdomen and we're concerned about your well being. If all goes well, you should be able to go home in a day or so."

I was wheeled into a room with two beds but they assured me that I would have the room to myself, considering our status. Random nurses kept passing by my door, all gawking in my room to get a look at Lisa.

Lisa pulled the guest chair over to the side of my bed and took my hand in her. "Honey, what happened?"

I swallowed hard, trying to remember the details of the last few hours. "I was leaving for the airport; I came down the alley. Just as I was ready to cross Mulberry, I saw Angelica sitting in her car."

"What? Are you telling me she's out of jail?" Her voice bellowed her anger.

"Yeah. She was sitting in her Plymouth. I was terrified." My lips trembled. I felt like crying.

"She was on the other side of Mulberry where she always parks. Just when I got to the edge of the alley she pulled up to the stop sign. I thought she was going to run me down." I scratched my fat lip. "I ran across the street. I was so stupid. I was watching her instead of looking where I was going."

Lisa softly kissed my cheek. "I love you so much."

"I probably look horrible." I wanted her to stop staring at me for a minute. I attempted to place my new blue cast over my eyes. "Ow," I cried out. Pain immediately shot into my shoulder when I moved my arm, forcing me to remember additional parts of the accident.

"You were hit by a car! I don't care how you look. I'm just glad you're alive."

I tried to smile. "Do I look like you did when you fought those bad guys?" I held the ice pack closer to my lip.

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah! Just a little! But your makeup looks real." She trailed her finger over my cheek.

Of course we weren't alone for long. Two young nurses came into my room, smiling frantically at the sight of Lisa.

"Hi there! My name is Kerry," a slender brunette wearing bright purple scrubs announced. "This is Natalie. We'll be taking care of you tonight." Natalie was busy writing their names and the date on the dry erase board on my wall.

While they tended to me, Lisa was off in the corner, making phone calls. She called her parents and spoke to her father. Her parents were going to take the first available flight out.

I heard two men speaking briefly outside my door. Then a man in a suit knocked on my door and allowed himself entry.

"Ms. Kim, I'm Walter Krause, Hospital Administrator. How are you feeling?"

I was hit by a car. How do you think I'm feeling? This was just like the stupid questions that Lisa got asked every time she had to do an interview.

"I've been better," I muttered, looking at the IV that they inconveniently stuck in the top of my hand.

"Yes, well, I want to let you know that we will do our best to provide you with privacy while you are a patient here, but I hope you understand that we cannot guarantee policing all the corridors."

There was nothing in place to prevent any stranger from walking into the hospital and into my room.

My eyes flickered back to Lisa as she ended her call quickly.

"Mr. Krause, Lisa Manoban." Lisa held out her hand. "I have hired private security for Jennie. You'll inform me directly of any considerations or difficulties during her stay. I do not want you or any other member of your staff to concern her with those details. She needs to rest and heal."

"Of course, Ms Manoban. That's why I'm here. Perhaps we can speak privately in my office."

"I trust your staff will comply with the medical privacy act?" Lisa stressed.

"Yes, of course. However we are only governed to keeping her medical condition and records private. I will instruct the staff on proper conduct," Mr. Krause said.

"I'll be contacting my Publicist to release a formal statement to the media. No other statements are to be made by any member of this hospital without consulting with me first. Is that clear?" Lisa's authoritative tone made me grin.

"Yes. I understand. Would you like to take a few moments to come to my office?"

"Thank you but no, not at this time. Mike?" Lisa called out.

Mike, Lisa's bodyguard, came into my room.

"Mr. Krause, was it? This is my security manager, Mike Murphy. He will be handling all security matters." The two men shook hands.

"I don't want any reporters or photographers on this floor. There will be a security team posted outside her door at all times. We can have a discussion later or you can speak to Mr. Murphy directly for any security matters. Right now my priority is her." Lisa rubbed her hand across my head.

"Very well. We can talk later. If there's anything else you need, please don't hesitate to ask."

Mr. Krause seemed a bit perturbed with the way Lisa just handled him. I didn't care. I loved Lisa's "no bullshit" take charge attitude. It was one of the qualities that I loved the most about her.

Lisa barely nodded at Mr. Krause. She was stroking my hair, totally focused on me. The nurses were still waiting inside my room - for what, I didn't know.

"We're just going to check the fetal heartbeat again," one of the nurses informed.

She rolled up my hospital gown and pressed the microphone thing into my bruised stomach. Soon we were able to hear the whoosh-whoosh noise of our baby's heartbeat again.

Lisa smiled gloriously and kissed my forehead tenderly.

"That's our baby in there!" she whispered her happiness privately in my ear. "I love you so much."

I was elated that she was fine with me being pregnant; she was actually beyond fine with it. I was able to relax and not worry; it made all the pain seem worthwhile. I smiled back at her with pure joy and love in my heart. She was going to be a dada; I was going to be a mommy. Her brown-eyed baby was growing inside me.

I felt the nurse wiggle the microphone when the whooshing noise ceased; my attention immediately turned to her. The two nurses were looking at each other; neither of them looked happy. One of the nurses quickly darted out of the room.

My smile faded and a sharp pain stabbed me in the bellybutton. I felt wetness gush between my legs. Pain rocketed into my chest from my bruised ribs when I tried to sit up. I panted in and out hoping that shallow breaths would help me manage the pain.

"Something's wrong. I feel like something just popped," I breathed out at the nurse. I wanted to know what was wet between my legs. I tried to grab the top of the bed sheet so I could get my hand underneath it, but the stupid IV sticking out of my hand caught the bedrail. I felt the tube that was stuck in my vein poke me. "Ow!" I squeezed my eyes from the discomfort.

Just then another sharp pain stabbed me again; this one so intense that it caused me to cry out in agony. The nurse pulled the bed sheet down past my feet, allowing me a split second to feel between my legs with my hand. Crimson red blood was all over my fingertips.

The other nurse wheeled the large ultrasound machine back into my room.

Doctor Willsten came running. I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine in no time. As soon as the doctor saw the amount of blood, he quietly instructed the nurse to call for an O.R. suite. I was wise enough to know that meant surgery.

The doctor was performing the ultrasound of my stomach while the one nurse monitored my blood pressure. Lisa stayed at the head of my bed; She was frozen in place. We were all listening intently to the whoosh-whoosh sound of our baby's heartbeat. Gradually it slowed in tempo until it just abruptly stopped. There was nothing but silence. I felt faint.

In an instant, four people were in my room, lifting me up by the bed sheet to relocate me on a gurney. I was wheeled out of my room in a hurry.

"Where are you taking her?" Lisa cried out.

I reached my hand out to her but a nurse was blocking Lisa from following me. The nurse stayed with Lisa when they wheeled me out of my room.

Next thing I remember I was being rolled into a room with bright lights. People were hustling all around me. I was so confused and now completely sedated that I couldn't even speak if I wanted to. A nurse took each of my weak legs and propped them up in stirrups. A plastic mask was placed over my mouth and nose. In an instant, everything was black again.

My eyes flickered when I started to wake up. It was hard to keep my eyes open for any great length of time. Some sort of machine was beeping rhythmically in the background, lulling me back to sleep. I felt the cool rush of air streaming into my nose. I must have that air hose prong thing stuck in my nose again.

"Jennie. How you doing hun?" Some lady spoke loudly at me. "Can you wake up for me?"

I looked at her with one eye. Who the hell are you and why are you shouting in my ear?

"Hey there! Time to wake up! We're going to take you back to your room now. You're going to be just fine." She smiled at me.

I was still groggy when they brought me back to my room. I saw Mike and another man perched on chairs outside my door. They stood up when the nurses stopped my gurney.

I could see Lisa sitting in a chair in my room; her face was in her hands until she heard the commotion in the hallway. When I saw her up close, I noticed her eyes were red and puffy. I could tell she'd been crying. Sitting across the room from her was the hospital chaplain.

The doctor explained that the impact caused my placenta to separate from my uterus and that the baby didn't make it. The doctor had to remove it all from my body, but he assured us that I'd still be able to have children.

The chaplain tried to give us words of comfort, using soft tones and encouraging us to believe in God's will. He said a prayer for the innocent life that left us today. Although I appreciated his efforts, I thanked him and asked him politely to give Lisa and me some privacy.

Lisa set her face on my chest and gently wrapped my bruised body in a hug; I draped my good arm up around her. I felt her tears as they soaked into my gown. We both sobbed uncontrollably, breaking down from the agony of our loss.

--

"There you go!" Hyunji gently smiled at me as she finished wrapping a long scarf around my neck and face. "No one will see your puffy lip now."

"Are there a lot out there?" I motioned with my chin towards the window.

"A few," Lisa muttered, helping me with my coat. "Don't worry about them. They won't see you leave. Are you sure about this? I mean I'll charter a private plane…"

"No, Lisa. Please? I want to go home. I just want to get out of this hospital and sleep in my own bed."

"But Marla said that…" Lisa continued.

"I don't care what your Publicist said," I raised my voice slightly. "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to hide somewhere. Maybe it would have been better if that damn car would have killed me, or better yet, Angelica running me over. That would be a better story for the media."

Lisa scowled at me. "Don't be so melodramatic."

"Hyunji, please tell the nurse I'm ready to leave and get me out of here… please?" I pleaded.

I was rolled via wheelchair to the loading docks where food and supplies get delivered to the hospital, all for the sake of avoiding the reporters and photographers who were hovering around the main entrance to the hospital. I was so glad to slide onto the leather back seat of the sedan and finally be on my way home; it made enduring the pain of getting my bruised body in the car worth it.

A crowd of reporters, photographers, and onlookers blocked the alleyway behind my pub. Our driver had to honk his horn to get people to move out of the way. My blood was starting to boil with anger and frustration. All of this attention for what - to take more photographs of Lisa cheating on her rekindled love, Rosé, with "the nobody" from Rhode Island?

And to top off my glorious day, there was Mino, standing dutifully by my door with other security men to hold back the throng of photographers. He took his sunglasses off and shoved them into his pocket when my car came to a stop.

Our stalker, Angelica, was still on the loose and yet there Mino stood – willing to risk his own life to save mine.

His face was pained and I could tell just by the way he looked at me and held his arms out to his sides that he was telling me "I told you so."

See this? All of this scrutiny… all of this incomprehensible, unwanted attention? More pictures to post with their web of lies? Haven't you had enough yet, Jennie?

Mino's expression quickly changed when he glanced at Lisa. His contempt for Lisa was obvious and the eye daggers that flew between the two were mutual. I didn't know who hated whom more, but their hatred for each other was palpable.

"Come on Honey, I got you." Lisa held my hand and elbow, helping me out of the car. It was difficult to stand up. My knee was very bruised and stiff and the pain from my ribs shot down into my hips.

"Ow!" I winced.

"I won't let go," Lisa muttered. She helped me take a step. "Do you want me to carry you?" she whispered.

"No," I groaned and shuffled a few steps. I didn't want the photographers to capture that she had to carry me and give them more reason to create new lies.

Mino pushed past Mike and got right into Lisa's face. "Are you happy, Manoban? Now that one of your fans almost killed her?"

Mike quickly turned and intervened, blocking Mino in the chest with his hands. "Hey, back off! Cool it, Mino!"

"When is enough enough Jennie?" Mino cried out. Mike and another guard scuffled with Mino, pulling him back.

Lisa turned to deal with Mino; the anger on Lisa's face was evident.

"Lisa?" I breathed out from the pain, diverting her attention back to me. "Honey, just get me inside, please. Please?"

I wanted Lisa to stay focused and ignore Mino's accusations. Having Lisa miserable and brooding would be no help to anyone, especially me. I clutched Lisa's arm with my hand and leaned into her chest as she carefully led me to the door.

Lisa was only able to stay with me four more hours before she had to catch a flight and return to the set in Florida. She couldn't hold up production any longer; this film was a multi-million dollar investment just to shoot. She had already been away for three days.

It felt like another whole section of my heart was torn away when she left. It didn't matter that she called me every few hours.

Lisa's mom insisted on taking care of me for a few days and Hyunji was in and out of the apartment twenty times a day as well. I was wondering when they both would get sick of watching me cry. My doctor finally prescribed antidepressants to help me cope.

Everyone in our inner circle knew that I had lost a baby. It only took three days after my discharge from the hospital for the rest of the world to be informed of the same. The media had a field day when the news broke. Speculation of my pregnancy stemmed from the fact that my room was in the neo-natal wing of the hospital, but then was confirmed by some hospital informants who wished to remain anonymous. Those informants conveniently included the fact that I had lost the baby I was carrying…Lisa Manoban's illegitimate child.

Lisa's Publicist released a statement that stated I was hit by a car while crossing the street and that no one was at fault for the accident. Every branch of the media also ended that same story with a blurb that her reps neither confirm nor deny the pregnancy rumors.

Marla even made a special phone call to remind me to keep my mouth shut. Well, she didn't exactly say those words but that was the message she delivered. I was tempted to tell her where she could shove her "public image management."

My employees were also given gag orders and were reminded not to speak publicly to anyone about anything.

It was soon after that when Lisa and I had our first major fight over the phone, and her mom was sitting in the same room with me when it happened.

"What the hell did you say to Marla?" Lisa barked in my ear. "She informed me that she will no longer be speaking directly to you."

"Marla can go to Hell," I replied. "She's worthless in my book."

"Jennie! She's my Publicist! I've had her for years now."

I huffed. "Lisa! She's so damn worried that I might speak to anyone about my accident but yet she keeps allowing all those rumors about you having an affair with Rosé going? Oh, and what about the reports of you calling Mina to cry on her shoulder? I don't see her doing anything to squelch those lies either so I let her know how I felt."

"What is she supposed to do?" she raised her voice to me again.

"She should do her damn job! She's supposed to protect your reputation, right? And now she also represents me?"

"You don't know what you're talking about. She can't stop what's printed," she snapped back.

"Like hell she can't! It took her no time at all to put out a public statement pretty much shading over the fact that I'm an imbecile who crossed a street without looking both ways, but she doesn't have anything to say about your supposed affairs? How about a big freaking public statement that says Lisa Manoban is not sleeping with Rosé Park or Mina Myoui?"

"She won't do that," she said flatly. "And don't you dare ask her to do that either."

"Why?" The tears from her betrayal came to my eyes.

"Because controversy is what's going to sell tickets."

I scoffed. "I can't believe this! My life, my reputation, they are all up for grabs, but Heaven forbid that we mess with ticket sales!"

"Jennie, just stop."

"No! Screw that. I'm sitting here – banged up – broken – our first child is gone and I have to swallow it all because of ticket sales. You know what Lisa? Fuck you!" I snapped my phone shut.

Her mother's mouth dropped open but I didn't care anymore. Lisa just informed me where I rated on her priority list.

Two minutes later she called back. I hung up on her and then turned my cell phone off. The tears were pouring out of my eyes. The pain in my stomach from my ribs being bruised was no longer stifled by Percocet. I pulled a pillow over top of my ice pack and wept uncontrollably.

"Jennie, Honey." Her mother tried to console me. "Don't get yourself so upset."

Her cell phone rang.

"I'm not talking to her right now!" I sputtered through my tears.

"Lisa, you shouldn't get Jennie upset like this! She needs to heal!" She moved her conversation to my kitchen, but I could still hear her.

"Daughter, she lost a baby! You need to be more understanding. She's in the living room crying her eyes out. She doesn't need this stress right now. I know Honey – you don't either."

Ellen came back into the living room and held out her phone. "She wants to talk to you."

"Tell her to ask Marla what I should say." I wiped my eyes with my shirtsleeve.

"Jennie!" She used that stern mother tone with me. That was all I could take.

I grabbed the end of the couch with my unbroken arm and slid my body to the edge so I could stand up. "Ow," I cried out, hunching from the pain that rocketed through my body.

"Just stay sitting," she reprimanded me.

"No, I need to stand up," I grit through my teeth.

She tried to brace me but there wasn't a spot on my body that wasn't bruised or busted. I managed to get my legs underneath me and I slowly straightened up. Ellen held out her phone with Lisa still holding. I took it from her hand.

"You know, when I was lying in the street, I was so relieved when the paramedics strapped me to that board and finally put me in the ambulance. It meant that I was no longer on display for the paparazzi to take my picture over and over again while I lay there bleeding. Then when the paramedic cut every piece of clothing off my body and I felt like I was being raped, I thought that that was the worst moment of my life.

"Then when the doctor told us that our child died inside me, I thought that was the worst moment of my life. But to hear that my life has to continue in a circle of lies and pain so that people go to see your movies, it just makes it all worthwhile. Thank you for that." I snapped Ellen's phone shut and handed it back to her. I locked my bedroom door behind me.

A few hours later Ellen gently knocked on my door. "Jennie, Honey? Are you hungry?"

"No thank you." I had gone through an entire box of tissues from crying. I knew she had talked to Lisa about five times. Her phone rang every twenty minutes.

"Come on sweetheart, you have to eat something. You haven't eaten all day."

I didn't care; I wasn't hungry so I ignored her.

Ten minutes later there was another knock on my door. This knock was louder.

"Jennie, it's Hyunji. Open up."

I had to give Lisa's mom credit; she was resourceful.

"I'm okay, Hyunji. Just leave me alone." I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to wallow in my own misery.

"Hey Fred, it's Hyunji. I need you to come over to Jennie's and take her bedroom door down. She locked herself in. Just bring a drill and saw so we can cut the doorknob off. What? I should just kick it in with my foot?"

Hyunji smiled at me when I opened the door. She only pretended to call Fred. "That's what's going to happen if you ever lock yourself in here again," she informed.

I heard Ellen talking on her phone, obviously to Lisa. She scurried for the living room when I came out of my room. She was giving Lisa a play-by-play account of my actions. She called her mom several times that night, but I refused to talk to her each time. I was so hurt that no apology could fix it.

The next afternoon, flowers showed up. Three dozen long stemmed red roses accompanied by an "I love you - I'm so sorry" note. I left them in the box to rot. Like roses would make everything better somehow – perhaps give me a rosy outlook? Yeah right! So much for a happy Valentine's Day. If her mother weren't here, they would have gone in the trash, but Ellen found my crystal vase and spent a few minutes fussing with them.

"You know this is tough on her too," she uttered, setting the rose arrangement on my dining table. "She is suffering along with you."

I knew she wanted me to see Lisa's side through my self-centered focus, but I was still so angry with her that I was only worried about protecting myself now. She obviously didn't care enough to protect my reputation so I was on my own.

Ellen sprayed polish on a rag and started dusting my furniture. Something made her smile.

"Do you remember that time when Lisa called her father from here and told him that you took her fishing?" She turned to look at me.

"Yes," I answered her, recalling that evening quite clearly.

"She called me later that night when she got back to her hotel." She smiled. "She was so elated! she said, 'Mom, I found the woman I'm going to marry!' Of course I was thrilled for her, but as her mother I was also concerned. I mean she had only known you for a few weeks, but she was so sure right from the very start. Jennie, you know she loves you more than anything in this world, don't you?"

Her guilt trip was working. I tried to hold firm to my reasons for feeling betrayed so my position in this fight would be validated, but her one-sided conversation was pecking at my resolve. I started to feel like crap for being mad at her.

"She said last night that she feels completely responsible for the accident. After all, it was one of her demented fans that terrorized you, and you were on your way to see her when she couldn't be here."

"It's not her fault," I muttered. "She shouldn't think that."

"But she does," she assured me. "She cried so hard last night when I talked to her." Her voice trembled with pain and remorse.

"She… she said she killed her baby." Her hand covered her quivering lips when she spoke the words, stifling her urge to cry out loud. Ellen quickly dropped the dust rag and shielded her face in her hands when her tears broke.

Tears of my own cracked again and I watched her hurry away to the bathroom through my blurry eyes.

She didn't kill our baby – I did. I was the heinous monster.

"Jennie, I'm so sorry," Lisa breathed in the phone when she answered my call.

I couldn't stop crying. I never knew I had so many tears to shed in one lifetime.