J
I turned my laptop off when I had enough. New pictures were posted on the Internet of Lisa coming out of the back door of some exclusive club in Miami. Her eyes were glazed over and she looked wasted, which angered me. Seeing gorgeous Rosé Park smiling in the same picture, just two steps behind Lisa, scorched my heart. Viewing the photos of Lisa guiding Rosé into the same car so they could head back to their hotel just about sent me over the edge.
She'd been partying a lot lately since my accident. Late night cast dinners, rumors of the excessive drinking binges, private outings with Rosé, and her denials of it all over the telephone were piling up on me.
Photos from the set were leaked and posted all over the Internet as well. Clear shots of Lisa playing with Rosé's rings on her fingers, sitting so close that you couldn't slide a sheet of paper between them made me crack into tears. It was hard to discern what interaction between them was for the film and what was… not.
And then there was the kissing...
The pictures of her lips on hers over and over again surrounded by words like "Rekindled Love" and "Lisa dumps Jennie Kim for old flame" made me deranged.
Lisa had informed me on several occasions that Rosé had a boyfriend, but every piece of photographic evidence pointed to that being complete bull. I wanted so badly to believe her. Some days I did; some days my faith wavered. It didn't help that all the tabloid websites stated that her relationship with Lucas Banks was over.
This absence from being in her presence drove the wedge deeper and deeper. Just knowing that she was spending so much intimate time with the last woman she had a relationship with before me was terrifying.
Every day she told me she loved me. Every day that we were apart seemed to last an eternity.
I had asked my doctor for a prescription refill, using the excuse that I was still in pain. Even though my body was healing, my mind was in pain. I was also starting to like the way the combination of antidepressants and narcotics made me feel numb.
Lisa was dealing with her own pain, drowning her misery in alcohol. I feared that she would slip and seek comfort in another woman's arms – someone who wasn't the source of her woes.
Ellen finally flew back to Pittsburgh. She had stayed with me for over two weeks, but she had to get back home and back to running Bill's dental office. I was fending for myself fairly well so there wasn't any need for her to stay. As much as I loved her, she was starting to get on my nerves.
As soon as she cleared out, Tammy moved into the guestroom.
There were quite a few moments when I had the overwhelming urge to get on a plane and fly down to Florida to see just what the hell was going on down there, but I couldn't. My ribs were still bruised, my arm was in a cast, and I didn't have medical clearance to fly.
The large black and blue marks on my face were healing, diminished to a most unpleasant yellow tinge to my skin.
My body and face had been covered quite extensively in road rash. Many spots were scraped and bruised… even my scalp. Those too, were healing.
And then there was the acute agoraphobia to deal with. Angelica was still on the loose, paparazzi still lurked around the corners, and I looked like shit from getting hit by a car. It certainly made hiding inside my apartment the most appealing of all options.
Through all of this, there was still one story that hurt more than any of them – and it was the biggest lie of them all. Articles were written and circulated all around the globe that said I tried to trap Lisa Manoban by getting pregnant.
My supposed failed attempt at trapping her was reported as the reason why she went running back to Rosé's arms. It was so far from the actual truth, yet people were even talking about it on television. I was a gold-digging, small town piece of trash who tried to use a superstar to get somewhere in life.
And here I thought I had it bad when Mingyu dumped me. That was a bee sting in comparison to having the moon fall out of the sky and land conveniently on my head.
Hyunji and Asahi were running the bar full time while I recuperated; I spent the majority of each day on the couch in a haze.
"Jennie?" Hyunji called out as she came through my door. She and Tammy both had their own keys to my apartment now. "Mino is downstairs. He says he has something he wants to give you." Her expression was worried.
I thought I had seen the last of Mino when I told him goodbye, but he still continued to drift in and out of my life. I was very apprehensive about seeing him again; part of me feared him.
Tammy led the way down the steps to make sure I wouldn't fall.
Mino was sitting at a booth by himself; a brown bag was on the seat next to his hip. My two best friends stood behind the bar, watching his every move.
"Hi," he said curtly. "Look, I know you probably don't want to see me, but I got some things for you - it would make me feel a lot better if I knew you were safe."
I nervously sat down and rested my cast on the tabletop.
"I got you some stuff." He opened the bag. "Things you can keep in your purse or wherever, just in case."
The first thing Mino took out of the bag was an ordinary can of wasp spray.
"This is better than mace and it sprays farther too. Spray this in an attacker's face and they're instantly incapacitated. I only got you one can but you should probably buy a few more."
I watched as he dug into the bag again. Mino barely made eye contact with me.
"This is a strobe light alarm with mace; it disorients and blinds an attacker," he muttered. "This is called a 'Screecher' – it's really loud. You can put it on your keychain or keep it in your car."
I was looking at one of the packages, wondering why I would ever need to use any of these things. I never needed them before; Lisa's fans had been keeping their distance.
"Just remember that you can't take any of this stuff on an airplane if you are going to fly anywhere. I was going to get you a taser too, but they are illegal in Rhode Island. Do you know any self-defense?" he rambled.
"Not really," I admitted.
Mino didn't smile. "You should probably think about taking some classes when you're healed. I could show you some moves, but…"
Mino put all the items back in the bag and sighed heavily.
"Have you seen Angelica in the area?" he asked, quietly changing the subject.
"No." I shook my head. "I haven't been out of the house much. The two times I went out was to go to the doctor. Jamaal escorted me."
Mino nodded. "Good. Mr. Jones is an excellent bodyguard and a good man."
Mino looked nervous and depressed when he talked to me. "I've been trying to track Angelica down but she hasn't surfaced anywhere yet. I have a few people watching to see if she pops up on the map again. Just don't worry. I'll find her soon enough."
Mino grabbed his keys from his pocket and started to slide out of the booth. "Okay, well… that's all. Take care of yourself."
He started to walk off but I stopped him.
"Mino?" I called out, secretly wishing he'd stay just a bit longer.
He stopped abruptly in his tracks, but barely glanced back at me over his shoulder.
"Would you like to stay for a drink?" I asked apprehensively.
His eyes were so sad and it pained me to know that I was the cause of his melancholy. As if I needed one more reason to be sad myself.
I grabbed the bottle of tequila.
"All you have to do is stamp on their foot real hard," Mino chuckled, telling me about some self-defense maneuvers.
"So, in other words, hitting them over the head with this bottle wouldn't work?" I giggled. I was feeling quite tipsy from the beer, shots, and pain medicine.
"You could always use your big, brown club here," he teased, tapping his fingers on my arm cast. "Swing it hard enough and you could probably knock some teeth out with that thing!"
I smirked at his joke.
"I'm not afraid. If someone wants to try and hurt me, I'm going to put up one hell of a fight. The majority of her fans are harmless, although I'm sure I'll have to deal with a lot more of them hating me over the next forty years. Oh well, whatever."
Mino became awfully quiet.
"Hey, I remember what I wanted to ask you!" I blurted out. "Where is that corner deli where you got that chicken soup?"
"Did you like it?" Mino asked, grinning at me.
"Oh yeah! It was delicious! You'll have to give me directions to that place."
He started to tell me what roads to take but after the fifth turn I lost him. I was quite buzzed after that last shot.
"Can't you write it down for me? I'll never remember," I whined.
"You have a pen?" he asked.
I returned with paper and a pen and two more bottles of beer. Mino started writing directions.
"You're a lefty, huh?" I teased, noticing he wrote with his left hand.
Mino smiled at the paper.
"Did you know that I can write with my left hand?" I taunted. I pulled on the edge of the paper to mess with him while he was writing. "Yep, I'm ambidextrous. What do you think about that?" I tugged on the paper again.
He was grinning as he kept on writing. "I think we have yet another thing in common."
"No way! You are not!" I took a sip of my beer, waiting for him to confirm. He annoyingly kept silent.
As soon as Mino finished writing, I slipped the paper out from under his hand. He tried to stop me from taking it but he wasn't quick enough.
In an instant his whole demeanor changed. We were just having a fun time teasing each other, but now he seemed agitated.
Mino looked at his watch and quickly downed the last of his beer. "I've got to go," he muttered and slid out of the booth.
I was completely confused by his abrupt departure.
"Well, thanks for the stuff." I patted the paper bag.
He was obviously distracted by other thoughts as he put his leather jacket on.
"I'll see you later. Get some rest," he ordered.
I watched as Mino ran his hand through his hair on the way out the door. Hyunji and Tammy were staring at me, giving me the disapproving look that I spent too much time with Mino.
Feeling guilty, I immediately went back upstairs and called Lisa.
"I still think you could make it," Lisa whined in my ear. "I'm sure there's an open seat on a flight."
I looked at the yellowish-brown marks that still covered my cheek through my slightly drunken eyes, thinking that no amount of makeup would ever conceal them. I was glad that we had finally moved on from the umpteenth Mino argument.
"Lisa, I asked my doctor. He doesn't want me to fly for another two weeks. Besides, my face is still black and blue or more like yellow and brown now. You can't be photographed with me looking like this."
"I don't care about that," she breathed. "But if the doctor is the one saying no, then I understand why you can't."
"Honey, I want to be there too, but a trip to L.A. isn't possible right now. I still have some pain in my ribs. I'm planning on watching the Oscars on television. I wouldn't miss your presentation for anything."
"I fly tomorrow and then I have a rehearsal so I don't mess up my lines. I'm really nervous," she admitted.
"You'll do just fine. You're a pro at this!" I tried to encourage her.
"This schedule is crazy. I leave out of LAX at nine the next morning. And then I'm scheduled to do some scenes later that night back in Miami," she groaned.
"No rest for the weary," I stated.
"Jen, would you try to come down here in two weeks? Please? Since I can't see you this weekend at least come down to Miami. I have something very special in mind for your birthday."
"Don't go overboard. It's just another day," I groaned. "Seeing you will be more than enough."
"Nevermind what I plan," she whispered. "I'll get arrangements made for you to fly down here and I'm going to make sure you make it safely to the airport this time, so don't give me any shit about a bodyguard, okay?"
"All I need is for you to hold me," I said.
"Yeah, me too," Lisa whispered.
"Why are you talking so quietly? Is someone there with you?" I asked.
"No. Hang on," she said. "Hey, I'm gonna get going. I um, ordered room service and they're here."
I thought I heard a woman's voice speaking in the background and what sounded like Lisa shushing her.
"Okay, well I guess I'll talk to you later then," I muttered. "I love you."
"Love you too," she whispered quickly. The phone clicked abruptly. Lisa didn't even say goodbye.
The phone call I had with Lisa was still playing over and over again in my mind the next day. I knew she was flying to L.A. and she had a lot of things to do, but it still surprised me that she didn't try calling me. It was out of character for her.
I called her the following day, bothered that I didn't hear from her. I tried to keep my annoyance out of my tone and kept my voice light and happy. Lisa was moody. She said it was because she was being rushed from place to place. She was also getting dressed for the Oscars.
Later that evening I perched myself in front of the television to watch the Academy Awards. Lisa looked so perfect on the red carpet as she gave her interview. Of course, she was asked if she was there with anyone and her reply was, "No, I don't have a date!"
Date? How about your "one and only" girlfriend is still recuperating from her near-death experience? I grunted in anger. There was no private gesture to acknowledge she was thinking of me. I was still a secret she would never admit to out loud.
Several days later, we had another argument.
"Honey, why are there pictures of you hugging and holding Rosé's hand on the Internet?" I asked gently.
Lisa huffed in my ear.
"Jennie, you fucking promised me," she growled angrily.
"It's a simple question, Lisa. I don't hold Fred's hand or Gary's hand – ever. I just want to know why you felt the need to tow her along through some Oscar after party."
"She was drunk. I didn't want her to make an ass out of herself while she was out in public," Lisa defensively answered.
Flashbacks of me asking Mingyu similar questions coated my thoughts. Mingyu always had a valid excuse too:
"Her car broke down and I couldn't just leave her stranded so I gave her a ride home and then we just got to talking..."
"She was a girl I knew from school. She is going through some rough times right now."
"I had to do an estimate at someone's house. So what that I'm a couple hours late. Do I have to check in with you every ten minutes?"
I sighed loudly. "I thought Rosé has a boyfriend? Why wasn't he tending to her?" I asked.
"Because he's on location in New Zealand, Jennie," Lisa returned sharply. "Her boyfriend, Lucas Banks, is also filming." Her tone made me feel like an idiot, like I should've known that.
"I'm sorry," I apologized instinctively. My old habits of being insecure kept resurfacing. Mingyu always had a knack of turning each argument around, blaming my lack of trust and neurosis for being the cause of our fights.
"I just wanted to know what the circumstances were, that's all," I conceded.
"You have no reason to be suspicious, Honey. It's just like the pictures of you holding onto Asahi out on the icy sidewalk. I recall seeing your hand in his in those pictures. Just remember how quickly an innocent gesture gets taken out of context."
"You're right, but…" I whispered. "I just don't want you to give Rosé the wrong impression either, Lisa."
"Are you going to be like this forever, Jen? Accusing me whenever I touch another human being?" Lisa snarled.
"No. But I will be like this when you're holding hands with someone you've already had sex with!"
I tried to maintain my temper, and although I was unsure if she had sex with Rosé or not when they supposedly dated, the fact that she didn't try to deny it was confirmation enough.
"And I know you well enough to know that if you saw pictures of me holding hands with some ex-boyfriend that I…" I took a breath, pausing to check the direction of my accusations. "With someone you didn't know or trust, smiling and canoodling around some over the top party with him, you'd flip out on me," I groaned.
"Yeah, you're right. I would," Lisa willingly admitted.
"And why would you have that reaction, Lisa? Would it be because you don't trust me or because you don't want the entire world to have that impression of our relationship?"
"I trust you," she whispered.
"It's embarrassing and disheartening, seeing your girlfriend being affectionate with her ex-girlfriend off set," I said softly. "When you're filming, it's another thing…"
"If you would have just come out to L.A. like I asked you to we wouldn't be having this conversation. I was afraid of this… afraid of what the distance would truly do to us," Lisa uttered into the phone.
"Lisa, it's not the distance! I know you and Rosé hooked up last year and you dated her. She's familiar territory. I'm like this because I'm in love with you and I don't want to lose you to someone else." The thought of her slipping out of my hands and into Rosé's stabbed me in the heart.
"I figured you knew. No wonder…" she sighed. "I guess I messed up again. I should have told you."
"Well, put it this way, you just confirmed what I thought I knew," I whispered. "I wish you would've just been honest about what happened between you two. I'm just left here to speculate."
"What do you want to know?" she scoffed. "I'm sorry. We should've talked about this, but I didn't think it was a big deal, so either you trust me or you don't."
"Lisa, I trust you!" I said, hoping she'd believe me. "But how could you think it wasn't a big deal for me when you know you're working on a romantic movie with some actress you screwed before? You never even told me about her," I reminded her.
She tried to interrupt but I spoke over her. I needed to get this all off my chest.
"You have to realize, all of these little, undisclosed secrets are what tears trust apart! Give me reasons to trust you, not reasons to distrust you, Lisa."
"Jennie, I said I'm sorry. I should've been honest about it, but I was afraid you would be angry and I didn't want to fight about it, so I didn't say anything. Now I've just made it worse."
I didn't want to push the issue any further. I hoped she got my point about honesty.
"Do you love me?" I asked.
Lisa sighed. "With all my heart."
"Then I trust you," I vowed.
"Do you really?" she questioned harshly. "Then can you explain to me why Mino is in Miami?"
I was momentarily stunned from hearing Mino's name come out of her mouth again.
"What do you mean Mino is in Miami?" I retorted. "When did you see him?"
"He was on location with us this morning, Jen," Lisa growled. "Why is he here?"
"I have no idea why he's there," I defended, trying to decipher Lisa's line of questioning.
"You better not be lying to me, Jennie!" he stated forcefully.
"Lisa, I swear – I'm not lying! I have no idea why he's there."
"When was the last time you saw him?" she asked.
I thought about it for a moment. "When he came to give me that mace and stuff a week ago, and I told you about that. I've told you every time he's ever come around here. I'm not the one keeping secrets."
"Swear to me that you didn't know about him coming down here," Lisa breathed desperately.
"Lisa, I swear on my life that I have no idea why he is there."
"He irks the shit out of me. I don't know why he's here, but I'm going to find out," she said authoritatively.
There was a long pause until Lisa broke the silence.
"Jennie, I don't want to fight with you. I am just frustrated about…" It was silent again and I didn't know if I should say anything or let her talk.
A million thoughts rushed through my mind. She is frustrated with me and my insecurities. She is frustrated that I didn't come to the Oscars. She is frustrated that I lost her unborn baby.
I mindlessly let the next thought slip out of my mouth to kill the silence.
"You're frustrated with me," I stated it, not questioned.
"I'm frustrated with everything, Jennie."
One single tear dripped down my cheek.
