Always And Forever

Story 9: By Any Other Name


Maybe telling Graham about the baby kicking was the worst mistake, because even as she settled into bed nearly finished reading the last five chapters of her book he positioned himself on the bedside staring with burning determination at the bump holding either side.

Honestly, Vee had always considered it an overrated experience until it happened... Now she was unable to stop the tug of a smile on her lips even as the ending of the book plunged into an apocalypse no one would ever recover from.

"It must be uncomfortable staying in one place." Graham said to the bump, impressively ignoring how desperate he looked. "It would be terrible if you inherited my problem; my legs always fall asleep if I sit down too long. I'm required to sit more than I'd like. I'd rather stand... Oh, but if you're the same way then go ahead and prove it, so I don't have to worry..."

Vee peeked over the book; she greatly anticipated the baby more than she even let Graham know, but even she hadn't attempted conversing to them.

"I'm not a strict father, I promise!" Graham resorted to begging, lightly moving his hands around. "Just kick one more time, just one, and you won't have to hear me babbling when your mother's in the room. I'm disciplined! I can be quiet; let you sleep any other time. Just not now, right? How can I sleep worrying I'm missing out on potential memories?"

Vee truly wondered if the baby had fallen asleep, either from simply needing the rest as it was preparing to develop enough to exist in this world or... Graham's voice was soothing. The second option, by the way, wasn't absurd. Again, not even loving and wanting to spend eternity with this man would make her admit she could fall asleep in his arms as he babbled without a point.

"Please?" With quivering eyes Graham resorted to light tapping where he assumed the baby to be. Vee was about to interject when he spoke a name. "Rosella?"

It seemed like background armor clatter, the breeze outside, all noise was silenced. Vee must have flinched more obviously than she thought; Graham leaped from the bed as if she'd kneed him in the spleen. She didn't think she did? Well, more importantly, they shared a moment of horrified eye contact as if he had just spoken an ancient, cursed word to destroy the world right then and there.

"Is that okay?" Graham asked in the faintest tone she had ever heard from him. It was wrong, but he didn't correct it... Just crept over, palms rolling together or rubbing the back of his neck. "Clearly, she doesn't want to communicate with me, so I don't have enough information to go on. Our baby deserves at least a moderately creative name."

"Where did 'Rosella' come from?" Vee hoped it wasn't line of sight, seeing roses in a shop window. She cringed at the thought.

Graham dodged her eyes first; he settled on hands placing themselves on his face as if that would act as protection against judgment. He had nothing to worry about; they hadn't discussed names at all yet, never even casually pondering the gender. Vee had to leave the bed, approach and slip an arm around his back to encourage him. Gentle squeezes attempted to let him know he didn't have to worry about her reaction, successfully coaxing his explanation.

Graham allowed himself to ramble, tone only ascending to match sparkling eyes as he went on. "I can't imagine the baby not being a girl – a girl who miraculously avoids inheriting any possible trait of mine, only yours. She'll have the best! She'll be an active girl, way too curious for her own good but it'll make every day lively! She'll look absolutely nothing like me, but since she'll have your personality she can have her looks from either of our parents! She won't be a perfect person, thank goodness, but she'll have the mind and abilities needed to survive and always manage to be successful! Of course, like roses, she'll be beautiful but have thorns so the world can't run her over! She'll be so strong; I won't have to worry about her... I can..."

Graham took his time removing his hands, trying not to look nervous folding his arms as his words hung in the air. Vee knew there was a problem when he couldn't help but slip in a negative reference to himself, but she always hated when particular outbursts of happiness were cut short.

Vee repeated the name in her mind with the occasional sprinkling of separated Rose and Ella. No offense to either of those, but no child of theirs was going to be lost in the crowd of common names. She tried to visualize a little girl who just so happened to inherit mostly Graham's looks all the way to a big smile brighter than the sun responding to calls of "Rosella".

Vee hummed thoughtfully, maybe even slightly irritated realizing she couldn't see clearly. Graham radiated panic then, but he wasn't out of line for just wanting to meet this child already. His wondering what they might be like were valid. But what did Vee, herself, expect? When she pondered it, another image came to mind in much more vivid detail.

She could see a boy with a blend of their looks especially Graham's smile and had no match in chess. The boy was a perfect result of two people making something meant to be in concept, awkwardly managed but hey they did it in the end. And the boy had a name expressing his natural strength and intelligence the moment it was uttered.

If the town had a fountain to hold bags of coins, if all the stars decided to fall at this moment then Graham probably would have made endless wishes for Rosella to exist. And Vee didn't want to crush his hope, absolutely not. She had to proceed delicately... Which turned out to be taking his hands and placing them back on the bump, maintaining direct and serious eye contact grateful her fringe covered what must have been deep wrinkles on her forehead.

She still couldn't manage the words.

Graham's eyes dimmed, smile reversed. "Believe me, I know I'm asking for too much. But I can't watch my own child turn out like me. She deserves a normal, stress-free life. She shouldn't have a crisis where she looks back on her past and cringe to death."

"You shouldn't have to look back and cringe to death!" Vee involuntarily shouted, and though rapidly flushing with a leaping heart after that she had an opening to go on with Graham stunned.

Priorities. Vee cleared her throat, making sure her tone was neutral as she asked a simple question. "Would you have any regrets if 'Rosella' was 'Alexander' instead... Our son?"

It was too late in the night for gender debates, but she had to know. She just couldn't imagine Graham looking back on whichever long night created this child with regret, let alone refusing to acknowledge a son. Since he had come from a family without a lasting or noteworthy father figure what did he know about father/son bonding?

"There's also a chance it doesn't matter if Rosella or Alexander are born; they might take after only you anyway. And if that happens, I consider it the best scenario. I have three reasons... You know which traits I'm talking about. Shall I list them?" Vee knew her eyes were twinkling then.

Graham shook his head at the question before sheepishly murmuring something she didn't catch.

"Do you want a son?" He asked clearly afterward, as if they had a choice.

Vee wondered if he knew how blatantly obvious he was, removing himself from the topic of discussion. But she did want to explain where she was coming from, helping Graham understand he might have to face the reality of a son being secondary... But still important. It wasn't that Vee didn't want a daughter.

"It's just that you have all your sisters, and my father is my only male relative I've consistent contact with." Vee explained. "Call it compulsion, but the scale is unbalanced. There might be more variety, more perspectives with Alexander around."

Graham nodded, signaling he understood. He didn't hide his face, his mouth reacting as if he'd scarfed down a lemon. When Vee was counting backwards to maintain composure, she heard muttering just loud enough she could tell he meant to be heard.

"That's just a placeholder name, right?"

The internal counting got caught on seven, then couldn't decide to go up or down once charged again.

"Alexander is the perfect name for our son." Vee forced herself to believe she didn't sound defensive in her next explanation. Not tangent. "Be honest with yourself, Graham. Can't you imagine a child with the sharpest mind, equipped with all the skills he needs to survive in this world. I can. And isn't Alex a charming nickname? I can almost see a quick little Alex, running around eager to learn. Just making the most of his life."

"So, placeholder?"

The number counter had a fiery explosion.

Vee inhaled deeply, her reflection in Graham's eyes showing she'd removed all emotion off her face before taking a large step and whirl away. Graham made confused noise, but she responded to none of it and just climbed back into bed making sure she was turned away from him as much as she could.

She didn't know how many minutes passed before another body joined her. She kept her eyes shut, even with a hand searching and failing to grasp hers under the covers. It was made difficult when she simply turned to the other side. There was a heartbreaking whine next to her.

"I just don't want another me in the world." Graham breathed with panic and despair behind her head. It took him long enough, but their hands connected. "Please don't be angry, Vee. I can't do anything about it; I've done all the self-esteem exercises, but it doesn't matter how many times I give positive talk to my face."

"I'm just... At a loss, not angry." Vee breathed in return, eyes burning into the other side of the room.

"Let me just explain-"

"Graham, no. You don't realize how much you give away as it is."

A moment passed without any more words, just Graham struggling over whether or not to take her hand. Vee let it remain there, secretly wanting him to. Actually, if he pulled her into his arms, she would have let go of the topic for now... If only he knew the power of his embrace.

No one wanted to sleep. This wasn't a conflict, right? If Vee asked, Graham would send it back and they wouldn't accomplish anything. Fingers nervously tapped hers, requesting permission to fuse. Vee welcomed it, spreading her own. At least her lip quirked at the speed he moved in. Their hands were a curled, twisted, sweaty and imperfect fit as they should be.

No one was getting any sleep. Vee knew the moment Graham picked up both their hands so they could remain connected on top of Vee's hip as he snuggled up to her. Graham had another method of restoring positive vibes, although his slightly shaky tone gave away lack of confidence in it.

"Alexander would be just like you." Graham said. "He would be a fast learner, highly intelligent for his age with justified self-confidence. And, yes, stubborn... Which isn't bad! Being stubborn sounds better than giving up without even trying. Our boy wouldn't do that; he wouldn't walk away from an unfinished task even if it wasn't life or death."

In the meantime, Vee finally turned to face him. She imagined the baby stirring, confused by their parent's antics. She refrained from grinning at first sight of round, thrilled eyes at this. Instead, she made herself cozy hooking Graham's legs with her feet. He measured the distance, free hand out to hold at the bump before affectionately rubbing it.

"Rosella would be just like you." Vee said, loud and clear. When Graham looked up unsure, she went on fully motivated. "She would be compassionate enough to get herself in tight situations, but wise enough to save herself with the bravery to not even consider failure. But I can imagine our girl being strong above all else, never the damsel in distress."

"Why do we have such amazing kids?" Graham asked, voice suddenly stuffy while he suspiciously leaned one side of his face into the pillow.

Vee decided not to wipe the betraying tear, let him have this. Despite her brief chuckles, she felt tears in her own eyes she was surprised to hold back given the pregnancy situation. She wasn't at all surprised he loved their child with approximately nothing to base it on.

Maybe it was a good thing the baby was done kicking for now. This would have been the most ideal time for Graham to finally establish a communication, but if he received it in this emotional state his heart probably would have failed on the spot. Vee was satisfied with just lying there knowing full well both of them would be drained during their work, but at least they were flexing their creativity – which their child would surely inherit – tossing potential memories back and forth.