Shonen - Who I am

"Do you have anything else to report about the supply run? Anything at all?"

I shook my head at the woman who'd introduced herself as Ichisayo Okukawa, the chief quartermaster, and my boss.

She crossed her arms.

"Nothing? So you didn't threaten to murder one of the garrison ninja?"

Oh, that!

I planted my fist into my palm as I remembered.

"Yes, that happened."

Ignore the pain, it just burns… It's going to get easier.

"Ha, I'd congratulate you if it wasn't causing me such a headache."

I cocked my head questioningly.

She sighed.

"You see, you work directly for me, and there's only one person with a rank higher than mine. The little snitch who couldn't take a little bullying works in another division, under fucking Akenori Tange. So normally, being that our ranks match, I'd talk this out with him." She paused for a moment. "By which I mean, I'd tell him how it's going to be and he'd grumble about it."

I nodded to confirm my understanding.

"Problem is, we can't get in contact with the bastard. Everyone knows that I'll just bully someone lower ranked than me into getting what I want, so either you're going to apologise or this is being taken up to the next rank, straight to the boss."

Right, I see.

I brought out my writing tools.

Scribble, flip: 'So when do I have to meet Orochimaru?'

"You're not even going to consider apologising?" She asked with a smirk.

Scribble, flip: 'Why would I? I was right.'

"Sure, why not!" she snarked. "I'm curious to see where this goes. Just know-"

She leaned down to look me in the eyes with a malicious look.

"You might be my golden goose, but if you sink I'm cutting you loose."

I shrugged nonchalantly and waved as I went to prepare.


A week later I found myself in Orochimaru's office/lab-thing again, with a bored and mildly irritated Orochimaru.

"...so that's what happened."

The chunin bully finished.

The snake's gaze slid over to me.

Scribble, flip: 'permission to communicate via genjutsu?'

"Granted." He droned lazily with an offhand wave.

My hands flew through the signs. They knew much better than I did which to use so I just let instinct steer until it finished twice.

"That is what happened, yes. I could argue the details, explain my reasoning, or bring up the moral implications, but quite frankly, I don't believe you care what happened or why, sir. So…"

I popped out a pile of papers.

"...I'm going to explain myself in a matter you do care about."

The action earned me a raised eyebrow.

That's more than anything the idiot managed, so I'm ahead so far.

I took the first sheet and presented it.

"This is an estimate of the net ryo each shinobi generates for the Hidden Sound per month, sorted by rank and specialty. Here-" I plopped down another small pile "-are the sources and calculations used."

I'm so glad I turned out to be good at maths.

Which was probably why this was my first approach.

"I'm going to be using this as a basis for the rest of my argument, so if there are any disagreements, it would be good to hear them now."

"This is bullshit!"

I raised an eyebrow at the man, while Orochimaru silently scanned through the pages. With neither of us reacting much to the outburst, he lost his bluster.

Oh, um, I wasn't expecting him to take that much of an interest in those numbers…

Maybe I should have brought the cash flow charts as well. Even as censored and classified as most of the mission reports were, I still had more than enough to generate the data I needed.

The following awkward silence continued until Orochimaru slowly put down the papers and returned his gaze to me.

"Continue."

His full attention had me torn between nervous and giddy, but fortunately genjutsu produced voices don't waver.

"Philosophically, one would argue that you shouldn't put a value on life…" I took another paper from the larger pile. "…but that doesn't mean we can't. Since the Hidden Sound practises what basically amounts to slavery, we can estimate a human life's monetary worth through the power of statistics.

I handed the paper over, and kept my emotions under lock. The whole practice was abhorrent, but Orochimaru didn't care. So despite how much I wanted to 'rage against the machine' so to speak -don't know where that saying comes from- that wouldn't accomplish anything.

"Whenever a ninja is off acquiring 'human resources', for the lack of a better term.-" slaves "-They aren't doing missions that could be earning the village an income. Which is an opportunity cost that we can use to calculate the cost of such a mission. Divide that by the number of 'human resources' acquired, and you have the worth of human life.

"Now obviously, each of these missions is going to be different, and circumstance is a major factor, which is why I reorganised the data into these two graphs." I placed another two papers in front of Orochimaru. "The first shows a trend concerning the economies of scale, in other words how the expense changes with the scale of the operation. The other shows a trend concerning the change in expense over time."

I took a breath, then continued the illusion.

"While I think the values, along with many others I unearthed while running these numbers, are worth noting, I'd mainly like to point out that extrapolating from the cost over time graph rather than the mean average would better project the cost of my actions."

I bowed.

"Thank you for your time."

The other ninja was looking at me bug eyed by this point. He'd failed to keep up. Orochimaru on the other hand looked had gone from merely focused to intrigued. He rose up to his feet and walked around to our side of the table.

"You've made an excellent point." he told me, before turning to the other man. "Leave us."

He didn't object, and soon I was alone with the snake-like man.

He waited a moment longer, before acknowledging me again.

"You put a lot of work into this. You are worth more to me than he is. If it had been just your word against his, the results would have been in your favour."

Really?

I had a hard time believing it.

"You want something else, don't you?"

I froze up a bit uncomfortably, before I regained my bearing.

No, he's right… sort of.

I remembered to cancel the genjutsu on the other man before I answered.

"Not consciously. Not at first, sir. I just saw something wrong that I didn't like." I shuffled uncomfortably. "I couldn't put my finger on it at first, but being forced to explain myself made it obvious. You had something I wanted, and like with anything else, I needed to give you a reason to give it to me."

"...and that would be?" he inquired knowingly.

"Fair treatment for the non-ninja." With the truth said, it was easier for me to continue. "I have more numbers, more statistics to prove that it's to your benefit to do the 'right' thing. May I..?"

"By all means."

I popped out a piece of paper, schooling my expression to appear neutral.

"The losses due to hunger, food poisoning, and other issues related to food in terms of ryo compared to-" I dropped another paper "-the market prices of food."

No visible reaction.

Is he listening?

Another paper.

"The losses due to preventable diseases and minor injuries in terms of ryo compared to-" Another page. "-the costs of basic cleaning and medical care."

No visible reaction.

Am I getting through?

The next page came down with a barely noticeable crease where I'd held it too hard.

"The losses due to experimentation, and a projection of how those costs should affect the budgets of the scientists who serve you." In my mind's eye I saw that man from earlier and I slammed another page. "The losses due to shinobi murder, and a projection of what effect that should have had on their pay."

No visible reaction.

"Estimated mission earning value from the ones who do work for us-"

No visible reaction.

One more page. Slammed with intensity.

"Approximations of…"

No visible reaction.

Two more pages. Aggressively deposed onto the table.

"Figures showing…"

No visible reaction.

Three more pages and more. My hands were shaking, even as my voice remained steady, courtesy of the nature of genjutsu again.

"All of this-" I slammed my last page, not noticing the way my hand shook as I brought it back to my side. "-without accounting for the issues of reputation."

Orochimaru put down the page he was looking at.

"Reputation?"

He's listening!

I ignored the subtle voice in the back of my mind that assured me that listening wasn't the same as caring.

"Reputation, it's a resource like any other, even if it is more difficult to put a number on its worth."

"I am familiar with the concept. A fearsome reputation has served me well, but it dwindles without action." The snake leaned back. "You believe there's an issue here?"

I nodded and managed to reign myself back into calm again.

"The issue with being feared is that those who fear you don't want you around. You can wager it once with little issue, twice it becomes more questionable, but thrice? Four times? Infinitely?" I shrugged. "Fear is a predatory relationship. The fearsome take from the afraid. They can do so because the prey fears the cost of disobedience more than the price of submission. But sunk cost fallacy doesn't apply here. With each submission they come closer to realising that the predator can take infinitely. What cost can compare to infinity?"

I let the point sink in.

"Then consider the opposite. This village is filled with people who love you. With no action or indication, they try to act in your favour when it doesn't cost them anything, and sometimes even when it does.

"This village isn't independent. Ninja don't farm rice. Ninja don't tailor clothes. Ninja don't pay for missions. We rely on outsiders' cooperation." I folded my arms. "I know I'd feel safer if the ones working with us aren't looking for the first opportunity to bail out or join a rival."

I sighed, and pulled out a last piece of paper.

"There's no data here. Just some ungrounded suggestions:"

I took a deep breath.

"Have your ninja and scientists pay for the cost of life out of their own pocket or budget. That should reduce unnecessary waste, and get back the monetary worth of the lost asset.

"Consider hiring volunteers instead. There are plenty of people who are already risking their lives for less. Even if death is guaranteed, some would probably do it to support friends or family. It would probably be cheaper than kidnapping people.

"Or even better, figure out biological cloning. There's bound to be some genius here that can manage it. Soulless unfeeling flesh puppets can't complain or be complained about. Whatever it costs to figure it out would certainly pay for itself with the reduced cost per unit."

I dragged my hands down my face.

"I know. I know. There's not enough missions that all the ninja here can reasonably earn their projected amounts, but they can branch out! There's no reason the ninja of today in the village of tomorrow needs to earn money through violence like in the world of yesterday.

"Do you know how much it costs to build a foundation for a building? I don't, but I bet it's a lot more than if you paid a ninja with an earth jutsu to put their hands together. There's a lot of room for peaceful applications of jutsu.

"This doesn't just apply to the ninja. Sir, you are a genius. You've surrounded yourself with Geniuses. There's bound to be something you can discover that you'd be willing to sell and people would be willing to buy!

"There's-"

The genjutsu suddenly stopped.

Huh?

I suddenly noticed that I was feeling faint.

I was having trouble standing.

What's happening?

"Chakra exhaustion." Orochimaru answered my unspoken thoughts.

I couldn't get a read on him.

Did I get through? Is he annoyed? Entertained? Considering it?

He stepped up and steadied me.

"I believe it's time you returned home."

I blacked out.


I was in my room alone, sitting on my bed hugging my legs. That's where I'd woken up, that's where I'd stayed. A single thought ran across my mind…

I messed up.

There was a knock on my door.

"Yumika? Are you in there?"

Go away Kanshi.

"I know you haven't eaten dinner yet. Are you still chakra exhausted?"

I stayed silent.

"I'm coming in."

The door opened and Kanshi saw my pathetic state.

"Yumika…"

He didn't push. He just came and sat on the bed with me. His eyes asked the question his mouth didn't voice.

Despite myself, I pulled the chakra from my tongue.

"I messed up." I whispered, "I knew that Orochimaru didn't care about any morals or feelings. I even told him I knew, but despite that, I got carried away…"

I hugged myself closer.

"...like a child having a tantrum."

I felt a reassuring hand on my back.

"The future is like the night, you can't know for sure what it holds until the sun rises and it is revealed." I saw Kanshi smile from the corner of my eyes. "Perhaps it is not as ominous as you think, from what I hear, you at least had an impressive start-"

"-then I talked myself into unconsciousness." I interrupted. "I might not know the future, but sometimes it isn't difficult to predict. My statistics are solid, but since my conclusion fell through he'll likely dismiss my thoughts and go in a completely different direction. I might have made things worse!"

I let my voice quiet down as I averted my gaze.

"...because I couldn't keep my cool. I heard uncle Shikyou say that 'ninja aren't supposed to feel', maybe-"

"Stop."

I almost jumped at the sudden weight Kanshi laid on the word.

Suddenly he was in front of me. His eyes bored into mine and his hands on my shoulders kept me fixed in place.

"Yumika." his gaze intensified, making sure he had my attention. "For all the time I've known you, I've come to learn one thing. Your heart is the strongest part of you."

I felt my chest tighten uncomfortably. My heart disagreed.

"If it hadn't been for that, we would be enemies and you wouldn't be Shiin." He elaborated.

"You have always been at your best when this-" he poked me in the centre of my chest "-worked together with this."

He poked my forehead.

I heard the words, but they didn't stick, even as a small part of me wondered why.

Kanshi looked like he was going to say more, but he caught himself with a thoughtful expression.

"I see that my words alone will not be enough for you." He stood up, pulling me along. "Let's go, we have a supply mission to run and we won't be learning whether Orochimaru is going to listen to you or not anytime soon, so there's no point waiting for a response."

I immediately spotted the oddity with what he'd said.

We? I thought I was supposed to do those alone with Hanzo.

"I'm volunteering."

You can do that? Why?

He didn't answer, instead just pulling me along.


I had only done the supply run once so far, but already I could tell this was different.

During the other run, the first one I remember. I was alone. I would run for hours at a steady pace with nothing but my thoughts for company. In a familiar way I just… turned off.

Here with Kanshi though, I felt alive.

We didn't talk much on the run, but at least he was there. The breaks and camping were an entirely different matter. Instead of just waiting for night to fall, I was actually happy. We talked, laughed, and even played music together, which I was apparently good at.

Then we'd quiet and go to sleep, and with the distraction out of mind I'd remember that I'd likely botched my only chance to help those people.

I'm being self destructive. I'm being pessimistic. I-

-knew that, but feelings didn't respond to reason. What I knew differed from what I believed.

At least I learned something about myself…

I thought as sleep finally began to take me.

I don't handle failure well.


We were running on the fourth day, and I noticed something.

"We're going the wrong way."

Kanshi shook his head, and looked over to address me.

"Incorrect, we're taking a detour."

Before I could draw chakra from my tongue to object, he spoke up again.

"There's no need to rush through this mission Yumika. You're still adjusting to your amnesia so Team Haruka isn't going on any mission this month, or next for that matter."

Still…

He smiled and I felt my worries fade a bit.

"Trust me, this will be worth it."

I stayed silent and followed his lead.

Our path took us to a large town. Specifically we found ourselves waiting outside a door in a residential area, one that was attached to a modest house.

A minute passed.

"Kanshi, are you sure the doorbell worked?"

"Certain."

Then why haven't they gotten the door yet?

I heard uneven steps through the door, and turned in time for the door to open.

I was greeted with the sight of a well dressed plain looking young adult with squarish features, brown eyes and black hair. One would think he was a completely ordinary fellow if not for the small smattering of minor scars and the way he leaned heavily on a cane.

He turned to Kanshi with a smile.

"Ah, sir Kanshi. It's good to see you. I got your letter, is this..?" he trailed and turned to me with a curious and gentle look.

"-the teammate I wanted you to meet with, yes."

"Of course. Please come inside."

Kanshi followed the man in, taking his shoes off at the door, and I followed suit, storing mine away with my seals.

The interior was clean and well kept, despite how entirely full it seemed. Everywhere I looked I saw signs of life. The slight wear and tear on the window sill under a vase. A pair of closet doors that weren't quite aligned. Things placed neatly in places that didn't quite make sense.

All in all, It felt homely and that was putting me on edge.

-too many blind spots. The floor is too noisy. Where does that door lead?-

The thoughts were there, but they weren't too intrusive and faded to the back of my mind as we entered what looked to be a living room, complete with a sofa arrangement with a small coffee table.

"Have a seat, make yourselves comfortable."

Kanshi sat down and I joined him. Kanshi opened up a casual conversation and minutes passed with the two simply catching up. I didn't speak up, opting to just listen in instead.

I still don't get why we're here. Who is this person?

"Ah, apologise, I seem to have gotten carried away." Kanshi turned to face me shamelessly smiling in contrast to his words, "this is Kouma. While you were away, Isae and I, under Haruka, did a mission for him. It was a mildly awkward affair when Haruka recognised him."

"Hah! Awkward is certainly a word for it." the man smirked to himself, "I was certain I was going to die!"

"Which would be rather awkward for us shinobi who were there to protect you." Kanshi elaborated playfully.

I looked back and forth between the two, before settling on Kouma and pulling chakra from my tongue.

"Why did you think you would die?"

The man sobered up and his shoulders sank so that he leaned more heavily on his cane.

"Yes, I guess it's about time I told my story." he answered in a more quiet voice. "I can't say my early years were particularly eventful. I grew up, went to school, and finally moved out of home to get a job.

"Then a few years ago, I made a mistake. I don't even remember what it was, but it cost me my job. I spent a month trying to find something new, but it was a small village and there weren't any openings. So I took a gamble, I sold my home and made my way to one of the big cities..." he sighed. "...where I got scammed out of almost everything I had.

"Unable to afford a place to live, my chances to find any work plummeted. Then as my remaining funds dwindled, I started making choices, small ones at first." His grip tightened around his cane. "I left a food stand without paying while the chef wasn't looking, pocketed an apple before approaching the counter, that kind of thing.

"'It's fine, I need to do this because I don't have the money' was the kind of thing I told myself. Then as my funds dried up, I took it up a notch, and it only got worse from there. From bullying small change out of people, to mugging, to eventually joining a gang. I just wanted to avoid hitting zero, but it was never enough.

"Eventually, the gang noticed a cart leaving town loaded without any protection, and we made a choice that there was no coming back from." He laughed humorlessly "I won't say we were the best bandits, but we got by. Fortunately we didn't hurt too many people, but we stole a lot."

Listening to his voice laden with regret and guilt, I felt something. It wasn't a feeling I enjoyed.

I scooched forward a step and rested a reassuring hand on top of his to try to free myself of that heavy feeling.

Sympathy. Pity.

He was quiet for a moment, but put his other hand on top of mine and smiled.

"All of this takes us to how I met a certain ninja."

I shuffled back onto the couch and kept focused on his story."

"We were getting by, until we weren't. Our resources dwindled quickly, and we made a choice: we tried to hold up a small group of shinobi."

I cringed at that.

"Yup, it went absolutely horribly. Most of my friends died, but I got out of it with just an arrow to the knee. It was a close call though, that man Haruka was going around making sure we were all dead."

A close call? Haruka wouldn't make that kind of mistake, so how-?

"One of the other ninja talked him out of it. Then, while she was burying my friends, she tried talking to me. Let me tell you, that was a mess. I respect her now, but it was obvious that she had no idea what she was doing. She wanted- what was it again..?"

He snapped his fingers.

"Right, she wanted some sort of assurance that I wasn't just going to go back to being a bandit." He said, shaking his head. "Stupid as I was, I wasn't buying it. Way I saw it she and her two buddies killed all my friends, so I figured that she was up to something. I only realised later that she hadn't killed anyone, and remembered that she'd even asked us to back off.

"At the time though, I was an ass about the whole thing, but despite that, she let me go. More than that, she gave me a bag full of ryo with no strings attached other than a hope that I'd use it to get my life together.

"It was frankly ridiculous. She had my life in her hands and was practically begging me to try and turn things around." He looked around and took in his home. "As you can probably tell, I gave it a try and it worked. I used what I'd learned about the land and trade while robbing merchant caravans to become a merchant myself.

"My business grew, and eventually I needed to hire some help. I was going to hire a regular upstanding citizen, but I remembered something the ninja said about passing on kindness, and ended up hiring this thug woman who'd fallen in with a local gang.

"Now we're married, I have enough savings to be sure that neither me nor my family will ever fall on hard times ever again, and I run a small trading company with a policy of hiring people in need of second chances."

He paused.

"All of this only happened thanks to the mercy of a stranger I attacked." He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "I even named my daughter after her."

Listening to the story, a picture formed in my mind: a kind woman offering her hand. In my mind this person looked something like Kanshi's mother Yuharu. She was confident, beautiful, strong, wise, and most importantly: she was kind. The kind of person that shone brightly.

Not like me…I'm a coward.

The thought came to me naturally.

I'd be average in terms of my appearance without the claw scars on my face.

I looked down at my hand, clenching and unclenching it slowly and fully aware of how unsteady they were thanks to my body's condition.

I'm not strong.

I recalled losing my cool with Orochimaru.

I'm not wise.

A tug pulled at my gut, calling at me from my forgotten memories.

I'm not kind.

My mind went back to the woman and the way Kouma spoke of her. I felt an admiration blossom in my chest, plagued by a touch of envy.

I want to be.

The fire that burned in my chest felt familiar.

The idea of reaching for something beyond me and failing felt familiar.

The feeling of not being enough felt familiar.

The way I channelled that irritation into drive felt familiar.

It all clicked in place and I felt complete.

The sound of the front door opening brought me back to the present.

"Ah, that would be my wife and daughter, I should welcome them home. No need for you to get up" Kouma said as he stood up and exited the room.

My gaze lingered on the door he'd left as I pulled the chakra from my tongue.

"I think I understand why you brought me here. You wanted to remind me of something important." I looked down at my now clenched fist. "You are right. If I want to be someone like her, then I can't lock away my feelings. The ability to make the correct decision isn't the same as making the right one."

That familiar feeling clawed at my chest threatening to rip through.

"I… don't think I can be like that person, but I want to try." I turned to Kanshi with a determined gaze. "I will try! I'll get as close as I can!"

Kanshi stared back with a blank look of shock.

Then there was a huff of laughter and his expression shifted.

Wait, was that not what he was going for?!

The bravado and burst of motivation fled my body like air from a balloon.

"U-unless that's not what you really meant- I mean-"

I didn't get further as his laughing grew more intense, to the degree that he was bowling over.

My face flushed red with indignation.

"H-hey, I was totally serious! I did the shonen anime speech and everything!"

He laughed more, and I didn't think about the fact that I didn't know what I meant by 'shonen anime'.

"Y-You!"

I couldn't think of any words that would let me release my frustrations, so I went to the only other thing that seemed reasonable at the time.

Violence.

"Ah- Yumika- stop." He stammered out between my weak chakra-less smacks and his own continuing laughter, holding his arms up defensively.

"No, I let my heart out and you're laughing at me!"

"It's not- that-"

"I was quite sure fighting between ninja was supposed to be far more impressive." Kouma's voice sounded playfully from the doorway, causing me to freeze up and shoot back to my seated position stiffly. Kanshi got his laughter under control, though at a much more relaxed pace.

Kouma stepped into the room, presenting the two who were behind him.

The one with the strongest presence between the three of them was a tall tanned woman who seemed to have taken the idea of 'ruggedly handsome' and turned it into something refined. She was dressed to impress, but rather than being dainty like a flower, boasted an amazonian build and confidence. I didn't see any scars, but I noted that she wore a high collar, long sleeves, gloves, socks, and other accessories to cover up as much skin as she could.

The last person was the polar opposite of the married couple. Young, rather than old. Innocently naive, rather than agedly wise. Adorably cute, rather than mature. The daughter of the family, I surmised.

"This is my wife, Tomose and-"

Before he could finish, his daughter started waddling forward quickly to meet us. So quickly in fact that she stumbled and started to fall over.

Before I'd consciously recognised what was happening, I stepped out of the sofa and appeared before her with a burst of chakra, catching her.

She looked up at me with childish wonder, and I subdued the little spark of joy at the flattery.

"It's nice to meet you, what's your name?"

She smiled brightly.

"Yumika!"

I smiled back, though she couldn't see it through my mask.

"What a coincidence, that's also… my…name…" my words trailed off as I realised.

The girl's expression shifted to confusion and my mind went blank, unable to accept what I'd realised..

"You don't need to try to be that person…" Kanshi said while he crouched down next to me. "...you already are."

With his words the mental image I'd built changed, the woman I'd pictured replaced by myself, a nervous wreck just trying her best.

The image faded and my gaze met the wide innocent eyes staring back up at me.

If I'd killed Kouma, she wouldn't exist.

The thought was like an overflowing well of relief in my gut, and unbidden another thought came to me.

My mercy was worth something.

The overflowing well filled my body until I could feel its wetness on my face in the form of joyful tears.


After I'd recovered from my little emotional moment, we spent the rest of the night entertaining the little girl who shared my name, stayed for dinner, and were even offered to stay the night in their single guest bedroom.

Kanshi of course took the bed since I preferred the floor anyway.

"Um, Kanshi?"

"Yes Yumika?"

I took a breath.

"Thank you… for taking me here. Especially since you had other things you were supposed to do."

"You're welcome, and it's fine. This was something I wanted to do. I am not disobeying my father's orders to be here, so it should be fine, and…"

I looked up at the bed, waiting for him to finish, but he shook his head in dismissal.

We laid in silence.

"Can we come back here?"

Kanshi sat up to look down at me with a smile.

"Yumika, you are your own person, you can do what you want."

I smiled playfully.

"I know that. Now that I know she's around, I have to get to know my namesake. I'm practically her godmother!" I quieted down again and sent him a pleading look. "Kanshi, I meant 'we'."

He hesitated for an almost imperceptible moment, before regaining his vigour.

"Of course."

Satisfied, I let sleep take me accompanied by dreams of the hero I could be.