You can hide in your bed, it won't find your lungs,
Try and scream in the night but it's got your tongue,
Tippy toes, crack a smile, while it's still low tide,
You will drown in the sea of carbon monoxide
- Carbon Monoxide, Krooked Kings
I had done horrible things.
I knew it, before opening my eyes, that I would be covered in a thin layer of blood. I lacked the memories of what had happened, but I remembered the feeling of Apex gaining control and breaking free of his cage. I had flashes of images; fire, claws digging into flesh, and a bright light. I could still smell the thick scent of copper, mixed with burnt cotton. Oh God, what had I done?
My eyes were still closed, but I knew that I was lying on one of the hard metal tables from the Med Bay. But, there was something different from the multiple times I had been there; it was too quiet, and it lacked the strong sterile smell. Wherever they had put me, it was no where I had been before.
Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I opened my eyes. A harsh light hung over me, making my eyes squeeze shut again. I sat up first, and then tried again, letting my eyes acclimate to the light. My body ached in a way I hadn't felt for a long time. The flesh on my back felt like it was on fire, while there was a deep pain in my bones.
I was right; I wasn't in the Med Bay, but I could tell I was still in the school. The room was empty, with clean white walls and flooring. The only indicator of my location was the massive metal doors designed in the shape of an X. The room itself was small, with my fingertips grazing each wall if I stretched out my arms. The only other thing in the room other than the metal table was a chair in the far corner, where Logan sat, glaring at me.
His eyes were cold. I had never seen him look at anyone that way, even when he was in the middle of an attack. Logan always had a rough exterior, sure, and there were few people he was fond of. But I never saw him look at anyone with such an icy anger before. It was like he was one spark away from pure hatred. Yesterday I had considered him a close friend.
We both stared at each other for a long moment, waiting for the other to break the silence. Finally, when I knew I couldn't take his glare anymore, I asked, "What happened?"
"Don't lie to me." His voice was icy. His hands trembled with a barely masked rage.
I shrunk back, unsure what I could say to calm him. He looked so... betrayed. Whatever had happened, I knew that Logan entirely blamed me and not Apex.
Logan stood suddenly, the chair screeching against the shiny floor as he did. "We trusted you, Violet. I knew you had your problems, but I never thought you'd try and hurt someone. Was it John? Did he put you up to this?"
My face screwed up as I looked at Logan. What did John have to do with any of this? John wasn't anywhere near me when I lost control. I suddenly had a sinking feeling that my loss of control had caused more damage than I would ever know. "John? What, no. It was Apex."
Logan shook his head once. "You actually expect me to believe that you lost control after months of training? You've been in countless Danger Room simulations, real life battles, and high stress situations. But you're telling me that you suddenly lose control sitting in class one day? I don't buy it. I know guys like Allerdyce and I've heard the way he talks about this place. So what, he finally decides to burn this place to the ground, once and for all?"
"No!" I argued. My head spun, either from the accusations or the migraine from the battle. "I would never try to hurt anyone. He wouldn't."
"He did," Logan snarled back. "You did. The Professor needs round the clock care because of what you did! The only reason Jay is alive is because he can heal."
I covered my face with my hands, hoping that this was all some sort of sick dream. I had hurt the Professor and Jay? Based on the level of security and Logan's jarring words, this hadn't been just a scratch or two. Apex had mauled them. Behind the darkness of my hands, I could see flashes of images. Blood pooling under large black paws. Pale, terrified faces. Fire. So much fire.
Was Logan telling the truth? No. It wasn't possible. I had lost control of Apex - it was the one thing I was sure of - but there was no way John decided that was the perfect time to burn the school to the ground. But why could I remember so much fire? None of it made any sense, and it just made my head spin.
I pulled my face from my hands to meet Logan's gaze again. I hoped that any part of him that had ever trusted me was still in there. He needed to believe me. "I promise you, I have no idea what you're talking about."
I could see the smallest falter in his gaze. He caught himself quickly, steeling himself once more. But it was there. Logan knew Apex better than anyone would like to admit; he knew the deep instinctual rage that burned in his gut whenever he, or someone he loved, was under attack. He had his own inner beast, causing him to unsheathe his claws at the first sign of danger. A wolf and a wolverine weren't so different after all.
"We've had healers working on the Professor day and night. And when wakes up, he'll be able to tell us the truth," Logan decided, standing up. "Until then, you're not going anywhere."
I nodded once, not trying to fight my fate. It wasn't until Logan was almost at the door that his words caught up to me. Day and night. "Wait, how long was I out?"
Logan didn't stop to answer me; he didn't even slow down. "Three days."
And then, the door slammed behind him and he was gone.
[X]
It was another three days before the Professor woke up.
In that time, no one came to visit me. The only face I saw was Logan's, as he delivered my meals three times a day. Each time, I'd try to convince him that I had no control over what had happened, and Apex was the one to hurt those people. He rarely said anything, but I was able to piece together what Apex had done from flashes of memories and the few words Logan spoke. I knew the attack had come out of no where, and John had acted quickly. I still wasn't sure why he decided to set the room on fire, but I knew he had a reason - not that anyone took the time to listen to his side. I also knew that I had somehow hurt Rogue, Jay, and the Professor.
Rogue had borrowed Logan's healing powers to stop a venomous bite to the leg from killing her. Jay, who thankfully had his own healing powers, had suffered from horrifying slashes to his chest, arms, and wings. But the Professor was in the worst shape of everyone. Apex had ripped apart his back, as if he were digging for bone. If Kitty hadn't phased him out when she did, everyone knew that he would have died. It was no surprise that it took him so long to recover.
But the one piece of information that I couldn't figure out was what happened to John.
I knew, both from my scattered memories and my own relationship with him, that John hadn't done anything that would warrant him a criminal. And yet, Logan was acting like he was as guilty as me. The thought of John being punished for something Apex did was making my stomach turn. I hated the thought that he was locked in a similar room that I was. No windows, no entertainment, only harsh lights and dark thoughts.
Being locked away was only making Apex gain more control. I was stressed and scared, which summoned Apex like a spell. There were a few times when I let me control slip and he took over, angrily slashing at the door with his claws until I was able to calm us down. When Logan saw the claw marks, he only took it as confirmation of my guilt.
I was sitting on the metal table, my legs crossed and eyes shut as I took deep breaths, when Logan walked in. I wasn't due for another meal for a few hours, which made his presence all the more alarming. He had a pair of handcuffs in his hands, which sent Apex into overdrive. I was only able to remain in control by controlling my breathing and reminding Apex that we would easily be able to escape the cuffs if we needed.
"The Professor is awake," Logan said. He tossed the handcuffs to me, and nodded expectantly. "We need you there so he can read your mind and prove whether you intentionally attacked him. There's no way you're getting near him without cuffs."
If this was what I needed to do to prove my innocence, then so be it. I slipped the handcuffs over my wrists, and Logan locked them tightly. I winced as the metal dug into my skin, but Logan didn't seem to notice - or care.
For the first time in nearly a week, Logan let me out of the room. I instantly recognized that I was in the basement, in the same hallway that led to the Danger Room and the Med Bay. I had never noticed the doors before - or never cared to explore them. It was unsettling to know that I had passed by prison cells once a week.
Logan led me to the Med Bay, where Bobby and Rogue were waiting. They could barely look at me, and instead chose to pretend like I wasn't there. Logan was also surprised to see them, because he arched one eyebrow. Before he could say anything, Rogue said, "We just have to know the truth. They were our friends."
I felt anger spike in my gut. Were we really that good of friends if she believed I would intentionally try to kill the Professor? I may have done a lot of stupid things in the past, but every death was from Apex's claws. Rogue, of all people, should know that. She had touched me before with her poison skin - she knew what it was like to have an animal living inside.
Logan nodded once, and stepped toward the door to the Med Bay. It slid open, and my heart lurched at the scene in front of me.
The Professor was laying in a bed, wires and tubes crossing over his body. The back of his bed was raised, so I could see how pale and weak his face looked. I could see bandages creeping over his shoulders, leading from his back. There were only two other people in the room; Storm, and a younger teenager with golden skin. I vaguely recognized him as a mutant with healing abilities. He had helped mend John after he was shot at Alkali Lake. I remembered John nagging him about how the Professor was still in a wheelchair if he could heal him. The kid - Josh Foley - had weak abilites, that drained his energy fairly quickly if the wound was bad. It took over a month for John to heal completely... I wondered how long it would take the Professor?
When she saw us, Storm turned to the boy. "You can go now, Josh. Thank you."
He nodded once. "I can come back tonight after I've regained some of my strength."
Josh left quickly, shooting an accusational look at me as he did. Apex wondered if he would act that way if I wasn't bound in handcuffs. Probably not.
"Charles, we've brought Violet," Logan said.
The Professor looked weak, as he blinked his eyes, trying to focus. "Violet," he repeated. And suddenly, a new sadness filled his eyes. "Oh Violet... I'm so sorry."
It was like time stood still. Everyone had suddenly tensed up at his words. They had expected some sort of reaction from the Professor - blame or anger - but not an apology. I let out the shaky breath I had been holding, as I realized that this hellish nightmare was almost over. The Professor would finally tell them what had happened.
"What?" Storm asked, looking between us.
The Professor raised a shaking hand, rubbing his forehead. "I-I should have foreseen this. I have felt Apex's presence growing stronger these past few months, but I was foolish to think we could have handled him. I was so focused on my class that I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late."
"She was telling the truth," Logan said slowly. His shoulders slumped, his jaw slack. After all this time, and all this resentment, it was more shocking that I was innocent than guilty. In a moment, he tensed again, as if remembering some damning detail. "And what about the kid, Allerdyce? He set the room on fire before Violet even attacked."
The Professor's face wrinkled in confusion. "John Allerdyce saved me."
A heavy silence hung in the air as everyone came to term with the new information. The Professor didn't even need to read John's mind to know the truth - somehow, John had sensed Apex before anyone else, and had taken action. The memory was still blurry, but I was sure he would have done it to create some sort of distraction, or to separate Apex from his victims. Unfortunately for him, no one else understood that fire could protect instead of just destroy.
The Professor went on, finally answering the question I had been asking myself for the past week. "John tried to stop Apex before anyone else knew he had taken control."
"But Apex didn't attack him. Apex attacked everyone, but refused to attack John," Rogue argued. Her voice was shaky, as if she were coming to a horrible realization but was too guilty to admit it to herself.
There was a stretch of silence, as the Professor's eyes met mine. I could feel the probing in my memories, before he finally replied. "No." His voice was hoarse and exhausted. "Apex would never hurt his pack."
Storm was the first to finally accept the information as truth. Despite whatever they had seen, or the stories they had told themselves to make sense of the attack, they had been wrong. I could handle being kept in confinement for a week, but I wasn't the only one to suffer from their misplaced blame. Storm covered her mouth, gasping as she realized what they had done. "John."
The Professor looked confused once more, but it only lasted a second. He had clearly read someone's mind, and understood where they had made a grave mistake. "What have you done?"
Storm didn't answer. She was suddenly aware of how urgent the situation was. She looked to Logan and nodded to my handcuffs. "Logan, release her. We need to go get John."
"I don't have the keys," Logan said with a shrug.
There was a pause as we all stared at him, waiting for him to say he was joking. He just stared back at Storm, as if it were ludicrous that he - the one who had put the handcuffs on me in the first place - would have the keys to free me.
I didn't want to wait around for them to argue over how to free me. Instead, I shrunk my arms into my body, as if I were transforming into a snake but not finishing the transformation. Once my arms disappeared, the handcuffs clattered across the ground. I let my arms regain their human form. There was another long pause as everyone stared at me, realizing how useless cuffing me actually was.
"We don't have time to discuss this," Storm finally decided, turning away from me and the handcuffs on the ground.
We followed her, out the door and down the hall. I had this sick feeling in my gut, that the nightmare wasn't yet over. While no one had said it outright, I had a horrible idea of how John was treated this past week. They had betrayed him, locked him in a cell, and refused to listen to his side of the story. And after everything, they finally learn that he had risked his life to save the Professor.
We reached a door, that blended in with the white walls of the hallway. I wouldn't have even noticed it if I had walked past. Logan slipped his had into one of the grooves in the wall, pulling at it. There was a clicking sound as the door unlocked, and slid open, revealing a bright white room, similar to the one I had been kept in.
My heart sunk as I saw the scene in front of me. John was sitting against the wall, his arms hanging over his knees and his head resting against the wall. He didn't even react when the door opened - he wasn't surprised that they had finally come to free him. He knew of his innocence, and it was only a matter of time before everyone else did as well.
There was a long moment before John finally moved. He pulled himself off the floor, and walked slowly towards the exit, not making eye contact with anyone. His mouth was set in a straight line and his eyes were dark. His hair was ruffled, and dark bags hung under his gaze. He had been locked up in that windowless cell for days. Dear God, he was a teenager and they treated him like that? What would they have done if the Professor never woke up and proved his innocence?
He didn't meet my eyes but I could see that the person I knew had died in that cell. John had taken so many hits in life, especially from the X-Men... I knew that this was the one he wouldn't be able to bounce back from.
Bobby was the one to break the silence by stepping forward, his eyebrows turned upward. "Hey man, I'm sor-"
"Save it." John's voice was ice cold. It went beyond anger; whatever friendship he had rekindled with Bobby was truly destroyed. Bobby shrunk back, regret washing over his face. He was supposed to be John's best friend, and yet Bobby had turned on him so easily. That kind of betrayal could never be undone.
"Listen kid-" Logan's words were cut off from John turning and walking down the hallway. Logan called after him, but Storm placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, shaking her head ever so slightly.
"He needs space. After what we did... it's going to take time to fix it," she said quietly. Bobby's head hung as he looked down at his feet. Rogue just stared after John's retreating form, longing to go back to a time before she had ruined their friendship. But she had her chance - they all had - and every time John had any hope of building a home here, they lit that hope on fire.
Anger bubbled up inside me. I couldn't stand to be around them after what they had done. "You can't fix it," I hissed. I pushed past Storm to follow after John. "Every bad thing he's done is because of you. He's not a bad person but you're destroying every good thing about him."
I felt Logan's hand on my shoulder, pulling me back from going after John. He was almost at the end of the hallway now. If Logan didn't release me, I knew that this would be the last time I would see John again. This wasn't a harmless discussion about us leaving one day. John had no future here. I knew that it would probably be for the best - he needed to get out - but the selfish part of me wanted him to stay.
I looked up to Logan. Couldn't he see that I needed to go after John? But his face was firm, still holding a trace of anger towards me. "We can't let you go after him, Violet. We can't let you out of this basement until we know Apex is under control."
My eyes widened and I looked back to where John was standing, waiting for the elevator. He was so close to being gone. I couldn't - I wouldn't - let him leave me. So even though I knew it was a bad idea, I let feathers sprout from my skin. Before Logan could even comprehend what was happening, I was a hawk, darting down the hallway to my friend. I could hear them yelling after me, but I wouldn't turn back until I knew John wasn't leaving me.
I landed in front of John, just as the elevator doors opened. He took a step in, but I grabbed his wrist. He looked at me through a stone cold mask. Beneath it, anger and betrayal swirled in his gaze. What had happened to him - as a result of what I had done - was something he would never be able to heal from. This wasn't a silly argument or feeling like we were being treated like children. This was the truest form of betrayal. When it came down to it, everyone had shown they didn't trust John. And now, he couldn't trust them either.
"Don't."
I ignored him. "Please stay, John," I whispered. I couldn't let him go without at least trying. I would hate myself if I just let him leave.
John pulled his hand from my grip and stepped into the elevator. Behind me, I could hear Storm's footsteps pounding on the linoleum floor. I knew that if she reached me, she would never let me follow John. So, I stepped forward and let the doors close behind me. I could handle being reprimanded by Storm later. Right now, my only priority was making sure John didn't leave me.
Now that we were alone, his stony exterior cracked. Underneath it, anger boiled over. His fist slammed into the solid metal wall of the elevator. "I can't, Vi. I can't do it anymore. I can't stay here with these people," he growled out through clenched teeth. "It's prison."
"Please," I whispered again. Hopelessness filled my chest, causing tears to well up in my eyes. "I can't do this without you, John."
He straightened, stepping towards me. In that moment, he looked so powerful. He was so different than the man they locked up in a cell. It made me want to shrink away from him. "Then come with me." I immediately started shaking my head. "Violet, you promised!"
I froze up, staring into John's hazel eyes. He looked angry, but underneath it all was a broken man. They had pushed him too far this time. I could see each puncture wound from where they had stabbed him in the back. How could I possibly ask him to stay after everything they had done? He was right. I had promised that we would leave this place together. And yet...
"I can't." I looked up at John's face, my heart shattering as I did. "John, if I go after you, I'm going to hurt someone again. I'm going to kill someone. I can't control Apex alone."
John stepped forward, grasping my hands in his. He breathed heavily, knowing that our trip would end soon and he would either be leaving with or without me. "Then let me help control him. I can help, Violet."
"John," I said evenly, trying to stop the tears from spilling over. "I can live with the things I've done - that's my burden to bear. But if I followed you and-" my voice cracked, "I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt you."
John released my hands, taking a step back. He now held a sadness in his eyes; this was no longer the start of a new chapter in our lives, but a goodbye. I couldn't help it as the tears spilled down my cheeks. Out of everything that could have happened, the thought of losing John was somehow the worst possible outcome. I knew how selfish I was being, but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't handle losing him once I finally admitted to myself how much I loved him.
I stepped after him, wrapping my arms around John and burying my face in his neck. I knew I was losing him and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was pathetic, but I had run out of things to say to convince him to stay. All I could do was beg and sob into his shirt. "I'm so sorry, John. I'm so, so sorry. Please stay. Please."
John slowly raised his arms to hug me back, his hand coming to rest on the back of my head. It all felt so final. I was hugging my best friend goodbye for the last time, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wasn't sure where he would go, but we both knew damned well that he would never come back once his foot was out the door.
"Okay."
My entire body tensed up at the single word. Okay. I instantly pulled away from him, my hands on either shoulder as I stared into his eyes to make sure I was understanding him. He looked sad, and torn, but he wasn't leaving. In an instant, I pulled him back, squeezing him even tighter.
He was staying. I had really thought I had lost him there.
But John was here. I could feel his skin under mine, and his warm breath hitting the side of my neck. I could smell him in the familiar mix of cologne and smoke. Every sense told me that he was staying. And yet, I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face at the thought of him leaving. I knew I was asking him to sacrifice so much... but I promised myself then that I would try my hardest to find a way to fix my issues with Apex. I wanted to be safe enough to leave.
When he finally pulled away, I wiped the tears from my face. I hadn't realized that the elevator doors had opened, and it was his time to leave. It felt easier for him to step out of that elevator, knowing he would just be upstairs. I was aware that the students passing were giving me terrified looks after hearing the story of my attack. I didn't care really if they were scared of me. I was starting to not care what they whispered about behind my back.
John didn't say anything as he stepped out of the elevator, but I could see he had put his icy mask back over his face. In his eyes, I could see that he was telling me to come with him. And I wanted to - God, I wanted to - but I was still too aware of Apex's presence in my mind. He was pacing back and forth in a cage made of twigs. It wasn't a matter of if he took control again, it was a matter of when. The fear of John being the one bleeding under Apex's claws was enough to keep me frozen in spot as the elevator doors slid shut between us.
The doors closed once more, leaving me alone in the elevator again. I let out a shaky breath, feeling the horrible thoughts leave my body.
I hated that the threat of him leaving made me realize how dependent I was on him. It reminded me of our argument, when he had told me to get a life in the heat of the fight. I had scoffed at him at the time, but here I was, crying at the thought of him leaving. Maybe I had grown too attached, or maybe I had lost my sense of self. Maybe I needed to be away from John to regain my independence. It was what everyone had been telling me - we were codependent, we were bad for eachother... John was an addiction that I wasn't ready to give up.
A minute later, the elevator doors opened again, this time at the basement level. Storm was standing there, about to rush in when she saw that I hadn't left. She looked shocked, and then sympathetic when she realized that I was alone. I stepped into the hallway, allowing her to place a gentle hand on my shoulder. "You did the right thing by staying."
"I know," I whispered.
Every muscle, every bone in my body was telling me to step back into that elevator and run after John, to tell him that we should go. But there was a loud voice in my head forcing me to stay. It wasn't my conscience, or the logical part of me. It was Apex; he wasn't telling me to stay, but to let him take control again so I could make Storm and the X-Men pay for hurting John. His anger was so strong that it poisoned every drop of blood in my body, filling it with hate and rage. I knew that I couldn't leave that basement until the Professor found a way to calm my urge to kill.
I squeezed my eyes shut, as another tear slid down my face. Storm spoke soothing words that I ignored. She thought I was trying to stop crying, to come to terms with what my life had become. No, I was using the only tool I had left to keep my anger in check.
One... Two... Three... Four...
A/N: As usual, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I had actually split this chapter into 2 because it was getting too long and rushed. So next chapter should be up soon. I also have pretty much all of chapter 35 pre-written so that should also be a fairly quick update! Basically, lots to look forward to in the next few weeks. I really appreciate all the support by the way, each and every follow, favorite, and review warms my heart.
And in response to the review asking if I'll ever move Apex Predator to AO3 - In short, yes, but not anytime soon. I've slowly been moving some of my older fics over to AO3, and doing some heavy editing as I go. It's been a lot more work than anticipated so I wouldn't want to add Apex Predator to the workload and lead to short updates or poorer quality.
