Chapter 8: Red Tuxedo

Another day at Del Toro High, but today all the students are chatting about the upcoming prom.

"Oh man, Casa's going to the dance with BJ Cuntz." Woodie bemoaned, while looking at his phone.

"I thought he liked HJ." Mondo said confusingly.

"Nobody would chose HJ over BJ." Woodie corrected.

"How do you keep finding out about all these dates to the prom?" Mondo asked, bewildered.

"This site Wadska set up, High School Master Dater." Woodie explained, showing Mondo the site on his phone. It shows BJ and Casa, then Turk and Milan, Gene and some girl, and lastly Mondo and a box of tissues. "It gives super-instant updates on everyone's prom status."

"Tissues? They think I'd be home crying all night?" Mondo asked.

"Uh, no..." Woodie said.

After sitting at their desks, Mondo is staring at Gene, who's annoyed by Turk.

"I wonder who Gene is gonna take? Lately, I've been having these reoccurring dreams where I'm dancing with him." Mondo said, while reminiscing about them dancing under a disco-ball to slow-dance love music while Mondo wears a white tuxedo and Gene in a black one; then they start kissing. "And the next thing I know, I'm covered in blood crying into a plate of ravioli."

"That's terrible." Woodie said.

"No, it was lobster with a nice butter sade sauce."

"Plug your little pleasure holes, piglets!" Ms. Teets said as she barged into the classroom. "Today we're gonna have a very serious talk about alcohol, and how it's a ginormous problem at school dances. It could make you have sex, which could led to contracting a debilitating disease, called babies. Little Didi, here, is a cautionary tale." She gestures at a pregnant teenage girl in a cheerleader outfit sitting besides Mondo.

"I'm fixing to name it Malibu. It's a rum, it's a car, and a classy place to park your RV."

"To illustrate, we're gonna watch an educational video." Ms. Teets said as she pulled down the screen. "Recently converted to 3D."

Ms. Teets put on 3D glasses, and the rest of the class did as well.

"Childbirth: From Conception to Divorce." Ms. Teets read the title of the film. It shows a woman in the hospital giving birth to her baby. The students reacted in disgust, except for Wadska.

But to Mondo's even worst horror, the woman is his own mother Babs. "Welcome to this world, Montgomery Brando." she said as the doctor gives baby Mondo to Babs, who's holding him in her arms.

Everyone laughs at Mondo as he lowers himself in total humiliation.


"Oh god, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life! How could my mom do this?!" Mondo whined. Then he noticed Woodie is staring into space. "Woodie?"

"Uh? Oh I'm sorry, did you say something? I was thinking about how fine your mom in a motherly glow."

"Well, stop!" Mondo demanded. "I gotta decide whether or not I should go to the prom and who I could go out with, since I obviously just can't just ask Gene."

"Sorry, Mondo. I gotta go do a thing. Maybe later." Woodie said as he left. Mondo looked as he saw Woodie walked up to Gene. Then the two leave together.

"What the...?" Mondo couldn't help but noticed that Woodie and Gene seem to be hanging out together a lot lately.


The next day, the principal announced the theme of the prom, called the "Just the Tip of the Iceberg", which the students boo'd at. But when a piece of the banner ripped to just say "Just the Tip", they all cheered.

Gene was eating a salad when Turk walked up to him. "I've been thinking about our special night. I got us a hotel room at the One & Done Motor Lodge."

"Oh sweet, Turk, we'll have a kick-ass after party there!"

"No can't do, man. Got a bit of a schedule conflict." Turk said. Explaining that he, Gene, and the rest of the crew only have a few hours to spend with their dates.

"What? You 'schedule' me to sleep with my date like she's some prostitute?" Gene asked angrily.

"Hey man, that's not true. You're not paying her." Turk laughed. Gene rolls his eyes.

Meanwhile, Mondo and Woodie are at the lunch line. Mondo is curious about Woodie hanging out with Gene, so he decides to ask. "So Woodie, what's up with you and Gene, huh?"

Suddenly they heard a loud crash, and looked to see that Little Didi accidentally knocked down some display stands carrying tapioca pudding with her bloated stomach, spilling them all on the ground.

"My tapioca! My fucking tapioca!" The cook yelled. This caused Didi to run away crying. Mondo and Woodie looked as she went to sit on one of the tables, feeling sorry for her.

"I gotta go talk to Didi." Mondo said to Woodie, and accidentally knocked down more pudding cups.

"Didi? Are you okay?" Mondo asked as he sat down.

"Well, let's see... I'm a bloated, leaking, stretch-marked pig, my baby daddy dumped me, no one's taking me to prom, and my nippers look like burnt tatters." Didi explained as she breaks down further.

"I know exactly what you're going through." Mondo said.

"Really? Because you're fat?"

"No! My mom went through alone too." Mondo said. When he confronted his mom about Childbirth: From Conception to Divorce, she explained that she was a poor single mother who had it rough until a local college offered her money to star in the educational film to pay the hospital bills and to provide for him.

"Oh, thanks for talking to me, Mondo. But you could go back to your high school experience while I contemplate my ruined life and eat this jar of pickles."

"Hey, Didi, you know, I don't have anybody to go to the prom with..."

Didi gasped. "Really? You wanna go to the prom?" Mondo nodded. "Thanks, Mondo! I love to be your date."

Didi offers Mondo a pickle and he takes one. As he takes a bite, he spotted Woodie and Gene talking to each other and they laugh, Woodie wrapped an arm over Gene's shoulder, causing Mondo to chock on his pickle.


That night, Mondo, Woodie and Gene are in a long white limo with their dates, Didi and two lesbian girls who agreed to go with the boys as long as they're able to dance together.

Gene is wearing a black tuxedo, Woodie wears a blue tuxedo, and Gene wears a black tuxedo.

Mondo gasped when he saw Gene put his hand on Woodie's shoulder. Then he suddenly imagined Gene tonguing Woodie. "NOOOOO! I mean, hey! Let's play a game where we switch seats and stop touch each other for the rest of the limo ride."


"That should be me getting slapped by BJ." Woodie moaned.

"Wanna try these meatballs, Woodie. They're really good."

"Sure!" Woodie said.

Mondo imagines Gene with a meatball between his teeth so Woodie can grab it with his own teeth and the two start French kissing. Panicking, he ran up to them, grabbed the plate and shoved all the meatballs into his mouth. "Look at how many meatballs I can fit in my mouth!" He yelled between bites.

"Ooh-kay." Gene said awkwardly. The slow music has started. "Let's go dance."

Mondo saw Gene and Woodie dancing next to each other and then bumped their butts at each other. He suddenly imagined Woodie thrusting his pelvis on Gene's butt and slapping it while Gene says "Oh yeah, harder!"

Mondo becomes pissed and walked over to Woodie. "You son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled and starts hitting him, which only come as weak slaps.

"What are you doing?" Woodie asked confused.

"I'm fighting you." Mondo said, and stopped hitting. "And you just kicked my ass. Who am I kidding?"

Mondo leaves prom crying, but not before taking a bite on the lobster ravioli in butter sage sauce.


Mondo is back home, took off his tuxedo and just want to watch TV to get his mind off prom.

"What's with your tux? Did you get shot or something?" Babs asked, as she holds up Mondo's red-stained tuxedo.

"I wish. I just had a rough night."

"You're not the only one. I just saw at TMZ that Mila Kunis was arrested for supplying minors with alcohol." Babs changed to that channel, which shows an image of a selfie of Wadska in a tuxedo with a haggered-looking Mila Kunis in a dress and her hands cuffed.

"No offense mom, I just wanna be alone."

"Okay, no problem. Your friend Gene's here, but I'll just tell him you'll talk tomorrow."

"I CAN TALK NOW! TELL GENE I CAN TALK NOW!" Mondo screamed. He dashed to the front door to find Gene standing outside. He also saw Woodie at his car, he dropped Gene off, then drove away. Babs also left the boys alone. The two then sit down on the doorstep.

"So where did you go off?" Gene asked.

"I figured you were hanging out with Turk."

"Only to comfort him after the humiliation. He may be a crappy friend, but I felt bad for him. And I gave Milan a pity dance."

"That's even worse!" Mondo aghasted. "Oh, you said pity."

"Jeez, do I have a speech impediment or what?!" Gene said in annoyance. "Look Mondo, I was actually thinking about you all night."

"You do?"

"Yeah, when I saw you with Dee Dee, I was feeling a bit jealous." Gene admitted.

"Really? Whenever I see you with Turk, all I am is jealous." Mondo confessed. "And a little hungry sometimes, but mostly jealous. I mean, I think about you constantly. Not like a stalker but more like an obsessive fan that wants a clip of your hair, okay that sounded a little creepy, but what I'm trying to say is-"

Suddenly Gene grabs Mondo's face and gives him a deep kiss on his lips.

"Gene...?" Mondo droned. "Does that mean y-you're gay?!"

"I'm bicurious." Gene stated. "I have been thinking about guys for a while, and I'm considering switching teams. And you didn't think I haven't noticed you have the hots for me?"

Mondo giggled sheepishly. "Was I that obvious?"

"Only to certain people. And besides, you did say you beat off to good-looking men." Gene winked. "Oh, sorry, you were saying something until I interrupted?"

"Nothing I say matters."


The next morning, Mondo and Woodie are at the beach, preparing to surf.

"You mean he's actually bisexual, and he just kissed you?!" Woodie asked surprisingly.

"He sure did! Well he's bicurious, but that's close!" Mondo explained.

"Very cool."

"So how did it go with you?"

"HJ was awesome."

"I thought you ended up with BJ."

"I did."

"Woodie, remember all those times I've been depressed about leaving Jersey?"

"Yeah?"

"Well forget it, I love it here!"