(Santana)
Papi had some unstated purposes with this trip to Spain. He said that we should keep up the tradition of our summer family trips and holidays, even with Rachel and I living away from home. I agreed, as Papi had a very important part in our lives, and cutting those ties would be stupid. It turns out that the family now included Shelby and Beth. It was fair and strange at the same time. Rachel and I had our own dynamic with our parents. I didn't know what to expect on a trip without Dad, and with three extra elements, counting Quinn, who I considered to be the same as unwanted baggage, but who I had to put up with.
I tried to find reasons why the traditional trip missed the point. Was the family now a new one? Certainly. Shelby is my biological mother, and was dating my also biological father. Beth is my little sister of the heart. But I had a feeling there was more to the story. My bet: he was going to announce the engagement at some cliché program with all of us there, maybe at one of those restaurants overlooking a breathtaking landscape.
Papi wanted us to stay together the whole time, but Rachel changed her plans while still in New York. She and Quinn took the train to Barcelona the day after we landed in Madrid. They were staying in a huge apartment that Papi rented from a friend of his. I stayed with Papi, Shelby and Beth in the capital and we would meet up with the desperate rabbit couple only the following week. On the other hand, it was for the best. I didn't resolve the issues I had with Papi and Shelby, but it was a peaceful week where I could forget about the problems a little more. I went to a soccer game with papi at the Real Madrid stadium because he liked soccer and that was quite an experience. Shelby, Beth and I did some shopping around town, which was fun. I watched a stunning piece of flamenco dancing and I did some regular sightseeing with my parents. Anyway, I enjoyed the city.
On the eve of traveling to Barcelona to meet Rachel and Quinn, I wasn't in the mood to go out, so I spent the afternoon at the hotel pool.
"Usted no debe beber, hija.." I had a tetra pack wine box in my hands, just like those for industrialized juice. They sold these good things in Madrid for a ridiculous price.
"Aquí se puede beber. Se permite desde hace 14 años." I offered a sip of my wine, but papi declined.
" Es un país de locos."
" O de sábios." We laugh a little.
" Santana, qué pasa com usted " He looked at me seriously, in a way that broke down any wall I tried to build to hide myself.
"No sé lo que estás hablando, papi."
"Tú no ir a divertirse, no busca hacer amigos, estar en mi compañía y su madre y Beth todo el tiempo. Esto no le es."
The wine was gone faster than I wanted and needed and papi was still staring at me with a serious face, but with those eyes that assured me that he loved me unconditionally. How hard it was to keep things to myself in situations like that. And the four cans of wine that I drank in all did little to help. I don't know how Papi could know me so well to realize that I was having fun and not having fun at the same time. That was the opportunity to vent and my little drunkenness helped.
"No estoy segura se quiero ir a Harvard."
"Por qué no?" His tone was harsher, surprised.
"Tengo muchas dudas sobre lo que quiero para mi vida."
"Después de todo lo que me hiciste pasar, ahora me dise que tiene dudas?" I should have kept my mouth shut. I knew it was better to leave the subject until after the trip. "Por casualidad crees que las cosas son dáciles? Que basta chasquear los dedos y hacer su voluntad?"
"Papi…"
"Sabes qué? No voy a dejar que tú arruine mis vacaciones." Papi got up obviously not happy. "Sólo habla conmigo otra vez cuando algo de sentido entrar en la cabeza."
It was official: I had a big problem on my hands. The way Papi stomped off into the hotel room, I guarantee that if Zaide showed up at that moment, they would shake hands and join forces to mete out any punishment without caring that I was a big girl, of age, able to make my own decisions. Let's face it: Papi and I were never good at this communication thing. I missed Dad at times, because it was so much easier to talk to him about my problems. papi knew how to talk to Rachel better than me, not least because Rachel is papi's darling little girl, his estrellita. Only Rachel seemed to be able to soften the old Chilean's heart. My serious conversations with papi were always a bit cross, with misunderstandings. This was no exception.
I went to the bar and came back with more boxes of wine. After the conversation with Papi, I decided I would drink them all. I would leave that hotel playground meowing, mistaking a monkey for a cat. But I didn't have a chance to get past my average state of inebriation. Shelby walked up to me, standing in front of me with her arms folded, her face was closed and she had this eagle stare. I had to admit that she intimidated me a little when she struck a HBIC pose.
"What the hell happened? And why is your father up there cursing you and all your descendants up to the sixth generation?"
"Daughters are born to displease. I read that sentence in a book. Nice, isn't it?"
"No. That's the kind of sentence my father would say. It's not cool, Santana. No small talk, tell me what happened?"
"I just said I wasn't sure I wanted to go to Harvard. It was no big deal."
"Why don't you want to go to Harvard? Did you happen to find yourself an actress, want to drop everything and live the Broadway dream like your sister?"
"For God's sake, no! I just wanted to go to Columbia instead of Harvard. But everything went so crazy with my admission to the greatest university in the world, that I was left with no way out." The wine was starting to work in my favor. "I don't want to go to Mass, to Cambridge, or live with Paul. In fact, Paul is gone, I'm going to text him and break up with him. In New York, at least, I have my house and the three stooges. Columbia is not a bad university, you know? It's still one of the top 10 in US."
"Okay! That explains why you're acting weird all this time. So you don't want to drop out of school, move to a quack circus and marry a drunken poker addict?"
"No!" My God, what have Papi and her been talking about?
Shelby took my box of wine and threw it in the trash. Then she took me by the arm and pulled me into the hotel room, unmoved by my protests. She took me to my room and threw a clean hotel towel right in my face.
"Bath and bed!" Shelby ordered.
"You're not the boss of me."
"Santana!" She snapped her fingers in front of my face. I confess it was a little scary. "Bath and bed."
I obeyed with my tail between my legs because frankly I was scared of Shelby Corcoran. I took a relatively quick shower, put on my pajamas, and when I came out of the bathroom, Shelby was still in my bedroom, with a glass of water and an aspirin.
"I don't want to see you hungover in the morning. We're going to leave early."
"Honestly, I don't know if you want to punish me or help me."
"You can draw your own conclusions later. It's time for bed." Shelby pointed to the bed. "This will help your body deal with all that alcohol you've ingested."
"What? Are you going to sing to lull me to sleep, like you do with Beth?"
"If you want... I wouldn't mind."
"Really?" Yes, I was in disbelief at her attitude.
"One way or another, I'm not leaving until you sleep."
"Why?"
"Because, my lovely firstborn, you may be a grown and independent woman, but you still need a lap now and then. I couldn't give you that comfort when you were a child, but I can now."
"Said the woman who rejected Rachel twice!"
"I have my mitigating factors. Besides, I wasn't 100% prepared back then."
"Now you are?"
"More than ever." She lay down on my bed and patted the mattress. "Lie down."
I drank the water and the aspirin, because I really wasn't in the mood for a hangover. I lay down next to Shelby. She turned on the television, and we watched music videos. Shelby took my hand and kept analyzing my fingers.
"I held you when you were born."
"Huh?"
"It wasn't part of the contract, but Juan was in the delivery room, and when you were born, he put you on my chest. Your hand was so small... yet you squeezed my fingers. I fell in love with you in a second. It was the best minute of peace I've ever had in my life."
"And then?"
"The doctors had to induce labor for Rachel to be born. That's why the difference between you two is 29 minutes. It was unbelievable pain, and when Rachel was born... I didn't get to see her because the doctors had to treat her immediately. She was smaller than you. I never got to hold your sister..."
"I'm sorry it had to be that way."
"It wasn't easy. But the memory of you on my chest, looking at me and holding my finger was what kept me going, what gave me strength, because all I wanted was to meet you again."
"Considering our first meet... it must have fallen well short of your fantasies."
"You're right. I dreamed of seeing you running up and hugging me, saying mommy. But what I got was a teenage girl yelling at the bartender for a root beer." We allowed ourselves a little laugh at the moment. "You know what, I fell in love with you for the second time in that moment. I always knew that little girl who squeezed my fingers tightly, even though she was so small, would be special." Then Shelby smiled. "Your middle name... Juan honored a wish I had."
"You wanted to name me Liza?"
"Yes."
"Liza and Barbra?"
"Yeah... sorta."
My mom hugged me and I slept. It was different and good.
...
I woke up with a slight headache, but nothing so bad that I couldn't solve it with water and another aspirin. Shelby was no longer by my side, which was kind of obvious. I found the rest of the family in the next room getting ready to catch the train to Barcelona. Papi said good morning as if everything was normal, Shelby gave me a kiss on the head while Beth, already dressed up in a little blue summer dress and brushed hair, tried to climb on me. I took that little flunky on my lap. She was big for the two years old she was.
"If you want to go to Columbia instead of Harvard, I have no objection." Papi put his hand on my shoulder, assuring me of his words. "It's a great university and you'll still be able to stay with your sister. That will be perfect even for me. One will continue to keep an eye on the other, as has always been."
"But I don't know if zaide will accept it. For him, it was either MIT or Harvard and there was no third option. And you won't be able to afford Columbia and NYU at the same time without his help. Your salary isn't that good."
"I'll talk to your grandfather myself, okay? I don't want you to worry about it. I assure you that when we get back to the States, you will go to Columbia and get your application. The rest is up to me. I'll work it out." I was speechless. I put Beth down before running over and hugging Papi in thanks. It was like he had just saved my life. "Now can you finally start enjoying the vacations with your family?"
...
June 29, 2013
(Santana)
In a rough comparison, Madrid is like New York and Barcelona is like Los Angeles. The first one has great nightlife, lots of leisure options, rich cultural life and lots of buildings. Barcelona has all this too, but with fewer people, beaches and spectacular architecture. But there are two fundamental flaws in Barcelona. One is the Catalan language. What a difficult thing to understand even for me, who speaks Spanish (or rather Castilian, as they say here), even with a bit of an American accent. Anyway, no problem to communicate in a cosmopolitan city like Madrid. In Barcelona... speak Spanish or Castilian and there will be some people turning their backs on you. It's as if I was speaking English in Paris. The worst thing is that I had immense difficulty understanding Catalan. The second bad thing about Barcelona (Spain as a whole) is the Euro. No wonder there is an economic crisis still going on.
We arrived in Barcelona late on Friday afternoon. Quinn and Rachel were already waiting at the station. Quinn tried to make an average with papi, stammered a few meager phrases in Spanish with a ridiculous accent. What was worse was seeing Rachel's goofy smile in love because her girlfriend was "learning" to speak Spanish. It was nauseating. We headed to the apartment that Papi rented from a friend for a bargain price. And what an apartment! A luxury three-bedroom, very well furnished and decorated. Beth and I shared a room, Quinn and Rachel had already been taking advantage of the whole apartment for a few days. Papi and Shelby were finally going to be able to have a moment alone. In the morning, Quinn and Rachel went with me to rent the bike. It was the best way to enjoy the city beaches.
But I wanted to know less about the bikes and more about the sun on that fine golden sand. How I miss a good beach. The last time I was on a decent beach was in Mexico three years ago when Dad and papi planned a trip to try to save their marriage.
I needed to make up for the loss to get back to the States with a respectable tan. Rachel was tanned, Quinn was red, and I still had the New York's pallor.
"What good places have you guys discovered around here?" I asked Quinn as she slathered on the thousand-factor sunscreen.
"There is a nightclub near the beach in the center. It's very good and much cleaner and more civilized than the ones in New York."
"Who recommended it?"
"Manolo." Quinn spoke the name with a funny accent. Very gringo. "He lives in the building. He hit on Rachel, but I showed him his place." I imagine the bitch in action to defend her territory.
The years in Lima taught me not to underestimate Quinn, and never to relax completely around her. She was an extremely manipulative person when she wanted to be. Quinn was also someone who was very dangerous when she wanted to get over some bodies, and she did it masterfully. Quinn was rarely able to hit me directly because I policed myself and gave her little ammunition. But when she wanted to screw me over in some way, she would look for ways to do it through third parties. Quinn would involve those close to her, make deals or manipulate my disaffections. That's how she kept me below her in the cheerios even though she wasn't the best dancer or the fittest.
Quinn doesn't hesitate to play dirty. Nor do I always play fair, but my candor and hot blood diminish my firepower in this game where Quinn is a teacher. Do I like Quinn? The answer is "I respect more than I like her." We were colleagues and allies by necessity and circumstance, never friends. Yet, she became my sister's girlfriend who was living in the same roof and sharing the rent. The worst part is that she really loves my sister. Even a blind man can see it. Rachel made her more malleable. Well, life and Beth played a part in the process. Quinn wouldn't hurt me without good reason, no matter how much I teased her and she felt jealous. At least not like the Lima's days. I say the same for my part. Still, providence dictates that one should always be on one's guard against her. I trusted Quinn with suspicion. Always!
"Is that Manolo handsome? Rachel's not available, but her little sister here is."
"Does Paul know about this yet?"
"Paul got a text saying he was out of the game."
"You broke up with your boyfriend with a cell phone message?" My sister was horrified. "Poor guy!"
"It wasn't such a cold message. I told him I'd decided to study at Columbia and that he'd have to go to MIT on his own."
"You're going to Columbia?" Rachel widened her eyes and I nodded in confirmation. "I don't believe that!" My sister laughed and hugged me. "We'll stick together!"
Quinn and Rachel introduced me to Manolo at the first opportunity. Manolo had charm. He was no Gael Garcia Bernal, but he wasn't one to be missed. We chatted a lot that first day and then went to this nightclub. It was a cleaner place because it was frequented by the bourgeoisie of Barcelona. Quinn was bourgeois, even if she was poor at the time. I preferred the noisy pubs of New York and London. Anyway, the music was nice, the drink wasn't bad and it had various dance settings, for drinking and chatting or necking with someone. Manolo was also a bourgeois and couldn't think any different from a resident of an upper middle class building overlooking the sea. He studied architecture and was good at telling an advantage. I only decided to stay with him because I needed to "get rid" of Paul, and I had nothing better to do.
...
It was nine in the morning, the day before we were due to return to the United States. I decided to have sex with Manolo because it seemed like a good idea at the time, there was the opportunity and I was horny. I didn't have any condoms in my bag. I never trust men either and always prefer to have one within reach. Before I went downstairs to buy a condom, I checked Papi's bag to see if I could find one and thus save some money. I wasn't sure if he had one. I knew Shelby used an IUD, but prudence dictated having alternatives on hand because she was still old enough to get pregnant, and Papi was a sensible guy. I slipped my hand inside the small compartments of his suitcase and found a box with an engagement ring. My hard-on passed. Manolo passed. Then I knew everything. Papi had actually planned the trip to Spain with all the family to ask for Shelby's hand and have a big party. I wasn't sure if he had already done it because nothing was told to us. I was going to investigate.
"Papi?" I struck up a conversation on one of the rare occasions when Rachel and I were alone with him. In that case, the morning of the day before our return, the three of us were in the kitchen preparing breakfast, taking advantage of the fact that Quinn, Shelby, and Beth had gone down to the beach in front of the apartment. "Are you thinking of getting married? Con Shelby?"
He looked at me startled. Rachel was even more so. She spit out the juice, the kind that comes out of your nose.
"Qué está diciendo?" Rachel cleaned herself. "Papi?"
"Vi El anillo de compromiso em su bolsa." I explained better
"Santana! Usted no tenía derecho a tocar mis cosas." Papi was mad with reason.
"Fue um accidente! Buscava condones!" I tried to defend myself.
"Pai, esto es cierto?" Rachel said more cautios. "Te quieres casar?"
He looked at both of us. He looked frightened and for a moment I thought he was going to cry. Then he regained his posture and raised his head.
"Shelby dijo que no." Behind his face and the firm voice, I saw that my old man was hurt. "Your mother didn't accept my marriage proposal. She said she wasn't ready yet, that it wasn't the time." He turned his back on us and pretended to be too focused on washing the dishes, as if that was the most important thing in the world to do.
My father's attitude and even Shelby's answer had the impact of a bomb in my head. Seeing my parents married would be weird. Seeing them apart would be worse. Rachel hugged Papi to comfort him while I couldn't react: I was too shocked. Papi kept saying words of comfort to Rachel, as if we were the ones who needed it, as if we had heard the rejection.
I walked down to the beach in front of the building, even though I was in no mood to party. Rachel followed right behind. We found Quinn running around with little Beth, while Shelby was sunbathing on a towel. I took a good look and it was the first time I noticed her looking down.
"Girls!" She smiled at us.
"Can I sit down?" I asked.
"Sure!" She made room for me. Rachel remained standing with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face.
"Shelby..." I tried to be cautious, but Rachel didn't have the same idea.
"When did he ask for your hand?" My sister was harsh.
"Juan told you what happened?" she was upset and surprised. "How could he? We agreed not to talk so as not to spoil your vacation."
"It was my fault. I went through his things and saw the ring."
"Oh, Santana..."
"You still haven't answered. When did he ask?" Rachel wasn't willing to make it easy.
"When we went out for that romantic dinner on the beach." That was three days ago. I'd gone out dancing with Manolo while Rachel and Quinn stayed back to take care of Beth at the apartment.
"Why did you say no?" Rachel was still nervous and inquisitive.
"I love Juan very much, Rachel. But I think maybe we are being hasty. I have to look at my professional growth. The offer I got to be a visiting professor at OSU may open a new professional door for me, but I also know that it may be stressful for my relationship with Juan. I may have to spend six months living in Columbus, and I don't know how our relationship would progress with these difficulties of distance. Getting engaged now would be a bad idea."
"Really?" That was the most lame excuse I had ever heard.
"Why don't you just admit you're a coward and you're scared?" Rachel raised her tone. She had tears in her eyes. "If you were going to end up like that, hurting mi papi, then you'd better not have come back at all."
My sister kicked up a pile of sand and stomped back to the apartment. Of the two of us, she was always the unconditional supporter of our parents' relationship. So my sister felt personally affected. Maybe because I always had a back foot with Shelby, I managed to keep myself in check. But it was hard and difficult not to repeat Rachel's attitude. It was hard to see Papi heartbroken over Shelby. I had the same opinion as my sister: I also thought Shelby was too scared to get involved. It was like that with us. It was like that with Papi.
"Shelby..." I was cautious as I saw that she was wiping tears from her face. "I know I didn't make it easy on you, but I'm usually a good friend and listener. If you want to talk to me, not mother to daughter, but to vent, feel free."
"There's nothing to say, Santana. Your father has asked me to marry him, but this is not the time. There are some pending issues between us. I have a job offer that financially is not as attractive as staying in Carmel. But being a professor at OSU is a chance for professional growth that I can't just pass up. There are other issues as well."
"What other issues?"
"Juan has a fuction that demands a lot of his time at the hospital. He can't devote himself entirely to a relationship that, like it or not, involves a two-year-old girl."
"Okay... I get that you're both very busy right now. But what's the difference in doing this while you're engaged to him? It's not like you have to sign a contract now. You can spend six months living in separate cities and still be together. Can't you?"
"Santana, an engagement with your father couldn't be just an attempt: it had to be a certainty. I am a mother, Santana. I'm sorry, but I'm talking about Beth right now, not you and Rachel. I have to think of myself and especially of her. I think it's great that Juan adores Beth, but until I'm 100% sure and certain, I can't accept this commitment."
"What's stopping you? Do you think my father will hurt Beth?" I asked, already disgusted by the hypothesis. My father would never hurt her.
"No!" Shelby answered categorically. "That is not what I fear. Juan is a man I would trust with Beth's life. He raised you and Rachel very well, and he would do the same for Beth."
"Then what is it?"
"Both of us aren't ready to get married. If I am to marry your father, our path has to be clear and we need to be fully in sync personally and professionally. Otherwise, it would eat us alive, and I can't put Beth through that anguish."
In my opinion, this was all a misconception. Papi was a relationship guy, he didn't fool around, having lovers from time to time, or having sex with random persons. The way he looked, the body he had, he could have casual sex with any woman or man just by showing off his six pack abs. I saw this man on the beach on vacation. Everywhere he went, women looked, because he was a forty seven-year-old handsome man still very athletic. Papi could have whoever he wanted, yet he was a monogamous guy... however he slipped up once or twice, but he was monogamous. He really invested in a relationship. That's why he was so upset. I knew he loved Shelby, that he was in love with her. So I knew that her 'no' was a very hard blow to my father.
I could see that Shelby was upset too. But I didn't know her very well. I knew she had several boyfriends and that she even slept with a director to get a part in a play. I didn't know to what extent she could keep a commitment to a guy like my father. What I did know was that she was prioritizing her career over her relationship with papi. Rationally speaking, I didn't think she was completely wrong. But wasn't it Shelby herself who told my sister that she was in a different phase and would prioritize family over career? What happened?
"Shelby..." I said after a brief period in silence.
"What?"
"If I ask you a question, do you swear you'll answer without wanting to spare me the truth?"
"What do you want to know?"
"Does your fear of staying with papi now have to do with the fact that he chose to stay with dad in the past when you two... had an affair? Is that your fear? Of papi changing his mind again if you're not there anymore?"
"That's not a fair question, Santana. At that time Juan and Hiram were married and I came into their lives by virtue of a contract. What Juan and I had had no chance of working out, because I needed to be in New York and he needed to finish his residency in Cleveland."
"Kind of like how it's happening now, right?" I made the observation and Shelby didn't answer me. "Shelby... can I ask you a question that's been hammering me for a long time?"
"What?"
"At that disastrous dinner in New York, when you said that only one of us was the fruit of insemination, and that the other... wasn't."
"Before you were born. Hiram was willing to pay for my eggs, but he didn't want me to carry the pregnancy. I needed the money and I played the charm on Juan because I realized he... wasn't totally gay. We... look Santana, I don't think that's something you need to know."
"I need to know! Right now, all I need is to understand. I know you had an affair back then. How was it?"
"Yeah..." Shelby shook her head, as if she couldn't believe she was venting to me. "At first I played the charm on Juan because I wanted him to convince Hiram to let me carry the pregnancy. It would give me more money to try life in New York. He convinced Hiram, used technical data because artificial insemination was cheaper than in vitro insemination... that they could save money by simply injecting the sperm into my vagina after stimulating my ovulation with hormones. Anyway... my will was done. I took the injections, and when the time came for me to ovulate, a doctor injected the sperm juice into my vagina. It was all very clean and controlled."
"Not so clean and controlled, is it?"
"No." Shelby ran a hand over her face, as if to relieve the attention while unloading the weight of a secret. "Juan and I had sex before that. I started to feel madly attracted to him, and he to me. It was like we were meant to be together, but we had met at the wrong time. Santana, you were born first, not because you were rushed. You were born first because you were two weeks older than Rachel. I couldn't have known whose daughter Rachel would be, but I knew very well who your father was. When you were born, Rachel's sac hadn't ruptured, because she was smaller and she wasn't going to be born on the same day as you... she could have been born the next day due to stress, or after three weeks... from a gestational point of view, two weeks is a significant difference. But the doctors induced labor and practically forcibly took Rachel out because I was supposed to be out of the picture."
"When did my dad find out that you and papi were having an affair?"
"At the first ultrasound, when the doctor saw that the fetuses had different gestational ages."
"And then?"
"And then there was a crisis in their relationship, and Juan chose to stay with Hiram and the two of you. I was just a woman with a contract and who got paid for everything."
"What happened after we were born?"
"I went back to my apartment after I was released from the hospital. The money was deposited in my bank account and all contact was suspended. I bought a one-way ticket to New York."
"And when you went to live in Lima..."
"I didn't know you were living in Lima, but I knew that was the city where Juan's parents lived. I hired a private eye and, to my surprise, he gave me all the information I needed. That's why I agreed to work in Carmel in the first place. But I didn't contact Juan. He was the guy who had chosen someone else... I didn't want to talk to him. I went to work in Carmel because I wanted to be able to see you and Rachel, even from afar. There came a point where just seeing you from afar wasn't enough. I wanted to talk to you, to have a relationship with you both. That's why things happened the way they did."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I needed to know.
"There was an afternoon, the same day you dressed Rachel as Lady Gaga, I went to Carmel to talk to you, but I found Dad in your office. You seemed to be arguing. I couldn't hear anything and never had the courage to ask until now. But I need to know from you what Dad went to do there?"
"Basically Hiram went to say that he was going to sue me if I didn't stay away from you girls and Juan."
"Is that why you kicked us out?"
"Hiram kept his promises. But I wasn't lying when I said I was scared. My fantasy was to find the babies who left my body: fragile beings who needed me. When I met two teenage ladies, especially you, it was a shock and I had an anxiety attack. That's why I ran out of the auditorium that day. Because I didn't want you to witness me having a crying fit and shortness of breath."
"When did you and papi see each other again?"
"He got my cell phone number, and he asked me to stay out of your lives until the appropriate age or until Hiram flexed, but Juan committed to always letting me know what was going on. That's exactly what he did: I respected an agreement with your father."
"When did you start getting involved again? I mean, sexually?"
"It was before Hiram died. Juan said he was already separated from Hiram, but he stayed living in the same house because of you two, and because he didn't want to lose ground on Hiram."
"Well... he didn't lie. Their marriage was pretty bad before you came along. But... before Dad died and behind everyone's back? Really? No wonder Dad didn't like you. Now I realize he was absolutely right. You and papi deserve each other. You know what? You deserve even the pain you are causing each other. It's called karma!"
"I thought you wouldn't judge me like your sister did. I thought we were talking like friends!"
"Sorry..." I stood up from the towel. "It's just that I can't help it. Not now that I know what you did to Dad!"
"I didn't do what I did to hurt Hiram, Santana."
"I know... still... it's complicated."
I wish the vacations were remembered as a time of good decisions. You can't have everything.
...
July 07, 2013
(Santana)
My plan was actually to stay in Lima for at least a week, but Rachel only decided to do so because of Papi's frustrated engagement to Shelby. Quinn was in New York together with Mike: she had to go back to work immediately, so she stayed in the city when we landed, while the rest of us took the connection to Columbus.
I still didn't have the heart to talk to my sister about the whole conversation with Shelby in Barcelona. The way she was angry with Shelby, it would only fuel the hurt she felt. It wasn't right to do that. To tell the truth, it was hard to admit even to myself that the relationship between Papi and Shelby didn't arise from the mere union of two broken hearts, as they themselves gave the image. After we got home, all I saw was my old man hunkering down in that hospital. He always chose to work harder in times of emotional crisis because opening up the bellies of others helped him stay focused. Shelby started planning the move to Columbus, and I believe she would do it as soon as possible after the family drama. Rachel spent our days in Lima pretty much at abuela's house, because she didn't want to see or talk to Shelby.
I had my own problems to solve. Taking advantage of our last days of summer vacation in Ohio, I rented a car and hit the road to Cleveland to visit zaide and bubbee. By this time, Zaide knew about my decision to go to Columbia. Papi had warned me that he didn't take the news well, and I could tell by the cold way he greeted me.
"Santana, can I talk to you in the office for a moment?" He said five minutes after I set foot in that house.
"Sure, zaide."
Bubbee looked at me with a sympathy she rarely reserved for me. At least I knew that someone was standing next to me in that house. I followed Zaide into the office and he asked me to close the door. I had been in that place a zillion times before, but that was the first time I felt truly uncomfortable. I sat down in the chair across from Zaide, who interlaced his fingers and sighed.
"Your father talked to me about your decision to go to Columbia." It wasn't a question, and I wondered whether or not to argue.
"I think the best thing is to stay in New York with Rachel. Besides, Columbia has a great economics and math school, one of the best in the world."
"Economics, Santana? Weren't you going to do business?"
"Or I can do math and work doing logarithms for silicon valley companies! I can also work at Nasa. Yes, economics, zaide! I like the idea of using math to make a difference in people's lives, and studying economics is a good way to go. I wanted to be able to find a model where people can thrive without being enslaved and oppressed in these current models. I want to be able to find a better alternative than capitalism and socialism, which are two corrupt, indecent, enslaving economic and government regimes. I know this because unlike the idiots who just repeat slogans, I actually studied history from the perspective of one who doesn't lie: mathematics. Even if I can't find a revolutionary mathematical model for the economy, maybe I can help people navigate this bullshit."
"Language, Santana!"
"Sorry, zaide." I sighed because I knew zaide wasn't at all convinced. "I'm sorry because I didn't want to do business... but you didn't need that either."
"What?"
"You never had to go to college to successfully run the weaving factory."
"How dare you belittle my story, Santana? I spent my life having to seek training to be able to manage our assets, because I didn't have the opportunity to have a good education. I had to run around to learn trivial things and not lose my hand in business. Things you already know thanks to the good education you had the opportunity to have so far."
"Sorry, zaide, I didn't mean to offend you. On the other hand, what you are trying to do to me is not right. It's not that I want to turn my back on the heritage you have built. It's not that! I want to help you with the factories, but first I want the opportunity to make my own way. I'm going to do economics, zaide. Mathematics applied to economics to be exact."
"I feel like I'm seeing Hiram in front of me..." Zaide grumbled and crossed his arms. "He sat in this same chair you're sitting in now saying he wanted to be a botanist. Can you imagine? Botanist! He wanted to study tree leaves!"
"Aba was a great botanist, zaide!"
"Yeah... he was a botanist thanks to his bubbee, who paid for almost everything with the savings she had... if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't even be a botanist, because I wouldn't gave him a dime."
"I thought you refused to pay for college after he said he was gay."
Zaide stared at me and I could see pain in those tired brown eyes. Another moment that, for a second, I regretted confronting him.
"So that's it? You're going to Columbia to study economics. Would you rather pass up the opportunity at the best university in the world?"
"Columbia is among the top 10 universities in the world, zaide! It is currently ranked better than Yale! I won't lose anything. On the contrary: I only have to gain: I'll be in a city I'm already used to and I'll still have Rachel and friends around."
"I made a deal with your father I few days ago. That I would pay for your college while he would support Rachel's dream of being an actress. I'll keep my end of the bargain, Santana. But I won't give you a penny more. How you keep yourself in New York is your business."
"I've kept myself in the city so far, zaide."
"Great! Then we're done! Why don't you go see if your bubbee doesn't need something?"
"Yes sir... and thanks for everything."
Zaide didn't even look at me. He picked up the bottle of cognac and poured himself a shot. I kept thinking about Dad. Of the countless times he had to face Zaide the way I just did. It can't have been easy. In fact, nothing has been easy this past year. But if I have survived so far, I won't fade away.
