Episode 3: To the Fatherland

[The screen square intro]

"Hi, I'm Drake," said Drake.

"I am Josh," said Josh.

"Right now, I'm supposed to tell you something about myself," said Drake.

"I'm also supposed to say something, but it will make me sound lamer," said Josh.

"I'd probably tell you how I'm very lucky even though I've had terrible luck for as long as we've been doing these webcasts."

"The thing I'm supposed to talk to you about is different from what Drake's telling you, but it has similar sentence structure," Josh continued.

"I'm supposed to finish it off right about now and say something that sounds cool," continued Drake.

"And now I'm supposed to finish my story, whose point is that I have bad luck, even though you know that already," said Josh.

"Now, we're almost done," said Drake. "I'll either make an offhand comment about Megan or tell you a plan I have."

"I will either make another comment, maybe about Megan, or tell you what I plan to do today," said Josh.

[Arrow transition]

The two boys were sitting in their room.

"I think it's kind of weird that Walter gave birth to you," said Drake. "I mean, aren't women supposed to be the ones that babies come out of?"

Josh looked up from his textbook with a confused expression.

"Drake, Dad did not give birth to me. I have a mother."

"Oh, I was worried that if I kissed a girl, she might get me pregnant," said Drake.

"Were you given a lobotomy as a baby?" asked Josh.

"No, but I wish I had my own robot," Drake replied.

"Everyone has had a mother, Drake."

"Where is your mother, Josh?"

"Uh... in the universe," Josh replied.

"Thank you, Mr. Specific," Drake snarked.

"Now that I think about it, I don't know anything about your father," said Josh.

"I know a little bit about him. I'll show you," said Drake.

In a different part of the house, Megan put several rusty nails beneath a floor carpet while grinning widely.

[Intro song]

Well, I never thought it would be so simple, but I found a way, I found a way

If you open up your mind

(See what's inside)

It's gonna take some time to realign

Over your shoulder, you know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up when you're down

So just turn around

Hoo!

"Drake," said Josh. "I don't think we're supposed to be in Mom's bedroom."

Drake ignored his stepbrother.

"I don't know why, buy Mom's room seems unfamiliar. It seems like if we lived on a film set, it wouldn't be part of the set. I also realize that Walter sleeps alone. What a loser."

"Drake, that's not nice," scolded Josh.

"I just mean that I thought he'd sleep in the same room as Mom," said Drake.

"Well, we had an argument over a foam finger, and you stopped sleeping with me for a few days," said Josh.

"That is not the best way you could have phrased that, Josh," said Drake.

"Whatever," said Josh.

"Anyway, here it is," said Drake picking up a box.

"Are you trying to tell me your father is a box?" Josh asked.

Drake rolled his eyes.

[Arrow transition]

The two boys were back up in their room. Drake put the box on Josh's bed.

"Josh," he said. "Do you ever feel like, no matter what you do, you'll always be upstaged by a talking sponge?"

"Why would I think that?" he responded, but he looked like he had thought about it a bit.

"I don't know," Drake said. "What if there's a parallel universe where Mickey Mouse showcases a bunch of human teens that get into weird situations like us?"

"I'm worried the teens from that universe would grow into more successful adults than the hilarious teens in our universe," Josh responded.

"That'll never happen," said Drake. "Do you want to see what's in the box?"

"Uh... sure."

Drake opened the lid of the box. There were photographs inside.

"This is my dad," said Drake, handing a photo to Josh.

"A piece of lettuce?" asked Josh.

"Oops," said Drake, replacing the picture with another.

"This is my dad."

The camera zoomed in on the picture.

"His name is Steve Shay. Mom says he met her when Ronald McDonald got reelected," Drake said.

"Do you mean Ronald Reagan?"

Drake then showed the camera a picture of Shay, with a pained expression, holding a baby that had Drake's hair.

"That's me," said Drake. "I was incredibly handsome and talented even back then."

"If you say so."

The camera saw more pictures of Shay, looking more in pain each time. Finally, there was one of him waving while wearing a military uniform.

"That was in 1989," said Drake. "He left to go fight in a war. When he came back, he said it was called Desert Storm or something. That sounds like a cool name for a hair metal album."

But Operation Desert Storm didn't begin until 1991, thought Josh.

"Then he came back in 1991, the year Nirvana released their first album," said Drake, not knowing Nevermind was Nirvana's second album.

The camera then looked at a picture of Audrey with a distended belly, Steve Shay looking at it sadly, and young Drake in front of them, happily dancing.

"Why does he look so sad?" asked Josh.

"I don't know. Maybe he knew Megan was coming," said Drake.

Both boys snickered.

"This is the last picture of him," Drake then said.

The camera looked at a picture of Shay, standing on the edge of a dock, with a gun in one hand and a paper in the other. The paper said "GOODBYE FOREVER. I WON'T MISS YOU. SCREW OFF."

"He took that picture, and then put ketchup on the dock he was standing on, and then disappeared. Where do you think he went? I hope it's somewhere cool like Six Flags."

Josh looked mortified.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was walking down the stairs.

"I did not need to know that. I did not need to know that," he said.

He stepped over the mat that Megan had put rusty nails under. He saw Megan nearby, looking disappointed.

"Megan, what do you know about your father?" he asked.

"I know he's a big boob who gets the weather wrong and wouldn't get me a pony or napalm for my somethingth birthday."

"'Somethingth'? No, I mean your real father," said Josh.

"I don't know what man was involved in making me. Mom never told me anything. I hope there was no one who did that because that would make me a goddess," Megan said.

Josh began to look sad.

"Do you know anything?" Megan asked.

Josh hesitated.

"If you're trying to weaken my defences, it won't work," said Megan haughtily, and walked off.

Drake walked down the stairs, also missing Megan's trap.

"Hey, Josh, what's wrong?" asked Drake.

"Nothing. I'm just going to go somewhere," his stepbrother replied.

"I hope it's not anywhere cool if I'm not going," Drake responded.

Josh sighed.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was at the movie theater. He was looking through the movie posters when Helen accosted him.

"Hey, Josh! Why aren't you in uniform? Go work the popcorn machine," she said.

"I'm not working here; I'm here on my own time," Josh replied.

"When is your shift scheduled?" asked Helen.

"I don't know. It seems like I'm just coming in at random times on random days, as if I'm a character in an inconsistent TV show."

"Josh, go see a movie, and then work the popcorn machine."

"Yes, Helen," said Josh meekly.

He went into a door with the words THE SCISSORING marked on it. Crazy Steve put a bucket of popcorn on his own head.

[Arrow transition]

Josh walked back into his living room. He was happier now.

"Drake! I just watched a cool movie!" Josh called.

"Was there a lot of action and girls?" his brother asked.

"Why do you only want to know if... yes, there was," Josh said.

"Woah, cool."

"Yeah, it was a big spooky horror movie called The Scissoring."

"I've seen that movie," said Drake.

"What? What do you mean you've seen it? It just hit theaters yesterday," said Josh.

"I looked it up on the web. It's a bit short, but it's so sweet," said Drake.

"I suppose it is a bit short," Josh agreed. "Did you see when the girl came out of the ground?"

"Which girl?" Drake asked.

"The girl who is the main character, Drake."

"The two girls got almost equal screentime."

"There were more than two. I'm talking about the girl who killed her friends with scissors," Josh replied.

"I don't remember that in the movie."

"It was the main focus of the... wait a minute. I think you watched the wrong movie."

"I don't remember it being a horror movie," Drake continued.

"Drake, I think you watched the wrong movie," Josh repeated. "You said you found it online?"

"Yeah," said Drake. "The file was called 'The Scissoring - Uncensored'."

"I think you-"

"No, Josh, I think you watched the wrong movie," said Drake. "If that's the wrong one," he continued. "I don't want to see the right one. What I saw was wonderful."

Josh threw up his hands. Far away, in a different cinema, a brown-haired girl about Megan's age was watching a movie with a smile on her face.

[Arrow transition]

Megan moved her carpet of rusty nails to a different place on the floor. Just after she was done, she left and Josh walked onto the screen.

Where are Mom and Walter? Megan wondered from her hiding spot. They seem to be gone most of the time so that the three of us can fight or make up or get into zany hijinks.

Josh walked toward the trap, but was addressed by Drake before he got there.

"Hey, Josh, give me your password," Drake called.

"What?"

"The password for your email," Drake clarified.

"Why do you want to know my email password?" asked Josh.

"Because I don't have one and so I can talk to girls who haven't seen you."

"If you want to meet girls so much, go join a convent," Josh snapped.

"Oh, cool. Good idea. Thanks, Josh," said Drake before walking offscreen.

Megan then fired a peashooter at Josh, hitting him and causing him to lose his balance. He fell over, and hit his head on her trap as she laughed.

"OWWW!" Josh moaned.

Megan stepped into his view, laughing.

"OWWW, MEGAN!" Josh roared.

There was blood dripping from his forehead. Drake then walked back into the room. Josh didn't notice. What Drake saw next shocked him.

"This has gone far enough," Josh shouted. "I'll get you back right now. You know your father? He's a guy named Steve Shay! Except not anymore. He ran way when Drake was a baby, then he came back and made you. Then, before you had popped out of Mommy, he sprayed his brains on the ground. Yeah, that's right! Your daddy splattered his brains all over the dock. All over the dock! Your daddy splattered his brains all over the dock! Your daddy splattered his brains all over the dock! All over the dock."

"Josh!" said Drake, taken aback.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was sitting in his room with a blood-speckeled towl on his head. Drake was yelling at him.

"You don't have the right to say that about my father! This was just when we were starting to get along better. You should be ashamed on yourself!"

"I'm sorry I made fun of your father's death," said Josh.

"Well, sorry doesn't straighten my teeth," said Drake.

"It's 'sweeten my tea'," said Josh.

"Whatever."

"Drake, Megan injured me. I was in pain," said Josh.

"Did you forget that I am my sister's brother? I've told Mom and Walter about your little stunt," Drake said.

"Wait. They're home?" said Josh.

"Yeah," said Drake. "They came in ten minutes ago. It feels like they're hardly ever around anymore."

"Well," said Josh. "What about the time you made those awful fake ID's and got us arrested?"

"That doesn't distract from what you-"

"Or that time you yanked the steering wheel away from me and hit Oprah?"

"Again," said Drake. "That doesn't take away from what you did to me."

"Or that time you got my physics teacher fired? Or that time you gave my cellphone to Craig and Eric and didn't deliver the wedding cake? Or the time you shot me and made me break my foot with a weight? Or that time you sealed the both of us in a treehouse? Or..."

"Okay, I see your point," said Drake.

"So, do you forgive me?" asked Josh.

"No," Drake said.

[Arrow transition]

The family was sitting in the living room, looking at Josh dissapprovingly. Even Megan's face, usually either placid or maniacal, had a scowl. Josh's head was bandaged.

"What you said was very disrespectful," said Audrey.

"Yeah," said Megan.

"It is very wrong to insult the death of a boy's father," Audrey continued.

"Oh, I don't know," said Walter. "If he was still around, I wouldn't have the chance to..."

"Walter!" shouted his wife.

Walter left the room.

"I never told Megan anything about her father because, uh.. umm..." Audrey said.

"Oh, Mama, I don't really understand death," said Megan, pretending to be innocent.

"Oh, you're so young," said her mother.

"She definitely knows what death is. She's just playing you, Mom," said Drake.

"Be quiet, Drake," said Audrey.

She addressed Josh again.

"Megan is only nine years old, Josh," Audrey said.

"I thought she was eleven," Josh said.

"No, she's twelve," said Drake.

"Maybe she's thirteen," said Audrey.

"I think I'm ten, but I'm not sure," said Megan.

"Speaking of Megan, are you going to punish her?" Josh asked. "She's the one who drove the nails into my head."

"You've made so many accusations against her that I'll finally start looking into them," said Audrey.

Megan looked surprised and worried, expressions that were almost never on her face.

[Arrow transition]

Drake and Josh were in their room again. Josh still had bandages on.

"Oh, man. I can't believe you finally got Megan grounded. High five, brother!" said Drake.

Josh aimed his palm at Drake's hand, but missed and slapped him in the face.

"Ow, hey!"

"I didn't mean to do that," said Josh.

"Megan got grounded. That almost never happens. We are two free boys," said Drake.

"Woshuuh!" said Josh, making his excited gibberish noise.

Just then, he had an unrelated thought.

"Why is our room so big? It's big enough for like six people. And you had it to yourself for years. Why is it so big?"

"I have no idea. But it's great," said Drake.

"So, have you forgiven me?" asked the dark-haired stepbrother.

"Sure I have," said Drake. "It was all a genius plan to get Megan."

"Hah?" asked Josh.

"You knew my father wasn't really dead. You just made it up to torture our sister. He told me he was going away before he put ketchup on the dock."

"Drake, I wouldn't torment my.." Josh began. "Do you understand death? He didn't go to another location, he..."

"Hey!" Drake shouted. "Don't say another word."

"You just have to accept loss," said Josh.

Drake walked over to Josh and started peeling the bandages off Josh's head. Josh started punching Drake in response.

[Credits scene]

Somewhere far away, Steve Shay was in a military uniform. He was talking to someone else dressed in a lower ranked one.

"Colonel Shay, it's almost time for another airstrike," said the other man.

"No need," said Shay. "The Ba'athists have already surrendered the town."

"Why?"

"I gave them a smoothie," said Colonel Shay.

"What?" said the other soldier. "That was my smoothie! You can't do that! I was saving it."

"Dishonorably discharged," said Steve Shay.