THE EXTENDED SCHNEIDERVERSE PART 1: Drake and Josh season 5

This is an expansion of the tv storylines created by Dan Schneider. The characters' stories will be added to in ways that wouldn't be allowed on Teen Nick, but are still in character. The reader is strongly encouraged to read the dialogue in the characters' voices

Episode 4: Who's on First

[The screen square intro]

"There is a lot of great music in the world, but most of it is overlooked," said Drake.

"There are a lot of words that have more than one meaning," said Josh.

"You've got the big four of thrash metal. Everyone knows Metallica, Megadeth, and Slayer," said Drake.

"The word 'set' has hundreds of meanings, noun, verb, and adjective," said Josh.

"But the fourth one of the big four is called Anthrax," said Drake.

"The word 'run' also has hundreds of meanings, just like the word 'put'," said Josh.

"I've also heard about death metal. I bet it's cool," said Drake.

"It's so easy to get confused about what people are trying to say when the words are ambiguous," said Josh.

"Death metal is actually named after a band called Death. I'm gonna start with Anthrax before Slayer and Death before Cannibal Corpse because Mom would shoot me if she saw a Slayer or Cannibal Corpse album cover," said Drake, not knowing that several Anthrax albums also have objectionable cover art.

"Imagine if someone tries to say something harmless, and someone interperates it completely differently," Josh said.

[Screen square intro ends]

Josh was putting on his work vest.

"It's hard to believe that after all the incidents with my mean boss Helen and all the zany disasters I've had that I'm still working at the Premier," said Josh.

"Yeah, it's like were in a TV show," said Drake's voice.

"Drake? Where are you?" asked Josh.

"I'm over here," said his brother, stepping into the room.

"Why were you outside?"

"I was just placing an order for some cool music," replied Drake.

"Like some New Kids on the Block?" asked Josh.

"Who are they?" Drake asked.

Josh looked disappointed.

"You're right about your job," said Drake. "I don't know how I'm still enrolled at Belleview High School. It's like things have to stay the same."

"I don't want to be late yet again," said Josh. "Helen might kill me, and that wouldn't be good for me."

"How long have you been working there anyway?" Drake asked.

"I honestly have no idea," Josh answered.

As Josh hurried out of the door, he heard Drake say "There's gonna be some heavy Anthrax coming to San Diego".

Josh was already in front of the house when he shouted "WHAT DID DRAKE SAY?"

"You know," said Drake, still in his room. "It wouldn't make sense if life was a TV show. They're all scheduled and life isn't. The network would have to cut me off in the -"

[Theme song]

Well, I never thought it would be so simple but

I found a way, I found a way

If you open up your mind (see what's inside)

Gonna take some time to realign

Over your shoulder, you know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up when you're down

So just turn around

Hoo!

Drake walked into his living room. Megan was seated on the couch. She was using a laptop.

"Hey, Megs. What's up?" said Drake.

"Why are you so happy to see me?" she asked. "You're usually crestfallen."

"I don't know what 'crestfallen' means, but even you can't ruin my day."

"Why not?"

"I just ordered a special treat for myself," said Drake.

"I'm also ordering something," said his sister. "It's some agent orange."

"Agent Orange?" asked Drake. "That's some not mainstream punk."

"Who are you calling-" Megan started.

"I know what goes well with Agent Orange. Try and order some Napalm Death. They rock."

"Thanks for the suggestion, Drake. I will make sure to get some," Megan said cheerfully.

Drake left the room. Megan got a creepy smile on her face and said "Even the boobs know the joys of the dark web".

[Arrow transition]

Josh was working behind the counter at the Premier again. Drake walked into the theater.

"Hey, Josh. Do you know why we're rarely seen outside?" asked Drake, walking up to the counter.

"Drake?" asked his brother. "Did you say something about anthrax this morning?"

"Heck yeah, I did. It's gonna be awesome."

"Why would that be awesome?" asked Josh, genuinely.

"Because Anthrax is cool!" said Drake. "I think that you only don't want me to get it because you wouldn't like me exposing it to you."

"That's exactly why I don't want you to have it!" said Josh. "Plus I don't want it to hurt you."

"Oh, Josh, you sound like one of those concerned parents," said Drake. "I don't care if you get exposed to it, or the whole neighborhood, or all of San Diego. I can spread it around wherever I please."

Throughout this conversation, Josh's expression grew more terrified. More people had also been crowding nearby the two boys. Drake walked away from the counter.

"My stepbrother," said Josh, petrified. "Sure he's been a jerk before, but why would it come to this? I thought my sister would be the psycho. Is there something wrong with Momdrey?"

Two police officers were present in the theater. One of them approached Drake.

"Excuse me, young man, but you need to come with us," he said.

"Why should I?" asked Drake.

The other office then jumped and tackeled Drake to the ground.

"Greg, you weren't supposed to do that," said the first officer.

"'Greg, you weren't supposed to do that'" said Greg mockingly. "That's what you sound like, Marvin."

Josh was looking on with bated breath.

"There's the witness!" shouted Marvin.

He climed over the counter and tackeled Josh.

"I do not like to be police brutailitied!" Josh screamed.

"Now who's not doing they're job?" said Greg.

[Arrow transition]

Greg and Marvin rang the Parker Nichols family's doorbell. Walter answered it. The two boys were in the officer's custody.

"Mr. Nichols, you will not believe what this boy is trying to do," said Greg, the officer holding Drake.

"Oh, I'm worried I will," said Walter.

The officer stepped into the house, taking the boys with them.

"These two boys..." began Marvin.

"I was not part of this. Please leave me out," said Josh.

"The shorter boy, who is the less dorky of the two, is planning bioterrorism," Marvin continued.

"I don't know what biotourism is," Drake countered.

"It's 'bioterrorism', Drake," said Josh.

"Shut up," his brother responded.

"The shorter boy, I think his name is Drake, admitted to something shocking," said Greg.

"If it's Drake's fault, why are you holding Josh?" asked Walter.

"That's what I'm saying," said Josh loudly.

"Whatever," said Marvin. "Anyway, Drake purchased some anthrax online, and he is planning on spreading it throughout the city."

Walter gasped.

The camera panned to the living room, where Megan was sitting.

"I should keep my profile lower," she said.

[Arrow transition]

Drake, Josh, Walter, and Audrey were in the living room. Three of them looked shocked and angry, while Drake just looked perplexed.

"Drake," said Walter. "I'd like to believe that you weren't planning on using anthrax, so I need to hear your side of the story."

"You've done a lot of things, but I never took you for a killer," said Audrey.

"What does any of this have to do with Anthrax?" asked Drake, indignantly.

"Anthrax is dangerous," Josh chimed in. "You could kill people with it."

"You haven't even heard it yet!" Drake shot back.

"Do not buy dangerous materials online," Walter said.

"The anthrax germ is deadly," said Drake's mother.

"So you should not spread dangerous material to other people, Drake," said Walter, vehemently.

"It's not that bad, Walter," said Drake to his stepfather. "Besides, I wanted to get Anthrax for myself, not for others."

The three others in the room gasped.

"You wanted... what?" Walter said.

"Did I hear that right?" Audrey asked.

"You said you wanted to get anthrax for yourself?" said Josh.

"Yeah," said Drake.

His family looked in bewilderment.

"Yeah!" said Drake indignantly. "It's for my collection."

"Your collection?" Josh repeated.

"Yeah, it's been getting bigger," Drake replied. "Two weeks ago, I got Suicidal Tendencies. Now I'm gonna get Anthrax. I desire Suicide, and also I wish for Death."

The three others gasped.

"My baby..." said Audrey weakly.

[Arrow transition]

Drake and Josh were in their room. Drake looked nonchalant, while Josh looked worried.

"Drake, what's going on?" Josh said as Drake picked up his guitar.
Drake didn't answer, but played some chords.

"I forgot my girlfriend's name," Drake said to himself.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Josh called out.

"What?" his brother asked.

"Why do you want to die?" Josh asked.

"Huh?" said Drake.

Just then, he glanced down at his bed and picked up a razor blade. Josh gasped.

"A razor," said Drake. "I think we all know who put this in my bed."

"Who, you?" replied Josh.
"No, Megan," Drake responded confusedly.

"That makes sense," Josh agreed. "But why do you want to die?"

"I don't wanna die," said Drake.

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do," said Josh. "That was why Mom and Dad called the special doctor for you."

"This whole day has been stupid," Drake said angrily. "I talk about a band I'm checking out and I get arrested. I talk about some other bands and my parents call some specialist."

"Bands?" Josh asked.

"Yeah, I talk about the band Anthrax and some cops jump on me," Drake said.

"Anthrax is a band?" Josh asked, flabbergasted.

"Yeah, it's in the big four of thrash metal."

"Are Suicide, Death, and the other one also bands?" Josh inquired.

"Yes, they are," Drake responded.

"So, you don't want to die?" Josh asked.

"No, I don't."

A bright smile came onto Josh's face.

"I have this itch on my neck," Drake said.

He scratched his neck with his finger.

"That doesn't seem to be working. I'm gonna use Megan's razor," he said.

"Don't do that," Josh cautioned.

Drake scraped his neck with the blade and yelled "Ouch".

"No, don't do that," Josh cried.

Just then, Walter walked through the door.

"Dr. Pearson says she'll see you tomorrow," he said.

Walter was greeted by a strange sight. Drake was winicing and rubbing his neck with a razor. Josh was shouting "DRAKE, NO!". Walter blanched.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was laying down on the floor of the living room. He rubbed his eyes and opened them.

"What's going on?" he said out loud.

He noticed a dart on his chest.

"Have I been hit with a tranquilizer dart? Megan!" he said.

He got up off the floor and said "How long was I out?"

Josh looked at the nearest clock. It said that it was 7:12.

"But I went up to my room at 7:15. I've been asleep all night!" he realized.

He walked through the house, looking very flustered.

"Mom! Dad! Drake!" he called.

Josh went up the stairs and entered his room. Megan was in there, writing on the walls in permanent marker. What she was writing was "I, MEGAN" and "MEGAN RULEZ DA WORLD".

"Megan, what's going on? Why are you in my room? Did you knock me out with a dart?"

"Of course I did, you big boob. I tranqued you real good. Thank your puny god that it wasn't a real round."

"Where is everyone else?" Josh asked.

"Mom and Walter took Drake off to that doctor they said can fix him. Then they just went off to wherever they go when we're having zany hijinks," said Megan.

They always do seem to be gone at comically bad times, Josh said to himself.

"I hope that the special mind doctor screws up Drake's brain so he lives in pain forever," said Megan.

"Go back to the depths of Heck where you belong," said Josh.

"Make me," said his stepsister.

Josh charged at Megan with clenched fists, but the camera panned away before anything happened.

[Arrow transition]

Drake entered an office and sat on a couch, looking confused. A woman sitting behind the desk spoke to him.

"Drake Parker, is that you?" she asked.

"Yes, it is," he responded.

"My name is Dr. Pearson, and I will be your therapist for the mean time," she said.

"Oh," said Drake. "Do you have a daughter about my age?"

Dr. Pearson hesitated and said "Yes, I do".

"Do you know where I can find her?" Drake asked.

Dr. Pearson hesitated again and said "The cemetery".

"Woah, cool. I wanna go there," said Drake automatically.

"You are quite a serious case," said Dr. Pearson, looking at him seriously.

"Well, yeah. I'm gonna be blowing up soon," said Drake, miming a guitar performance.

"Oh, dear," said the therapist, before going back to business.

"So, can you tell me what you do that makes you happy?" she asked.

"I sing and play the guitar," Drake responded, pulling his guitar out of his backpack.

"You need to concentrate on what makes you happy to fight your depression," said Dr. Pearson.

"I can do that right now," said Drake.

Not waiting for a response, he started playing his guitar. It was Fade to Black by Metallica. He played the chords, though not as well as James Hetfield.

"I learned this song recently," he said.

Then, he began to sing the lyrics.

"I have lost the will to live

Simply nothing more to give

There is nothing more for me

Need the end to set me free"

Dr. Pearson looked very grim and said "You need serious help".

"Everybody's a critic," Drake sighed.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was still in the house, pacing back and forth anxiously.

"What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?" he said.

He walked into the kitchen and saw Megan sitting on a chair, talking on her cell phone, which was large, because it was the 2000's.

"Steve, do you have a date which we could do it on?" she said.

Then, she said "I'll come up with a plan".

"Who are you talking to?" asked Josh.

"Your mom," said Megan.

Josh's face flushed.

"I hope you mean that like the playground insult."

Just then, the front door opened. Walter and Audrey walked through.

"Mom, Dad, where have you been?" shouted Josh.

"I'm not entirely sure," said Walter.

"But we've been worrying so much about Drake," said Audrey.

"Mom, Dad, Drake isn't suicidal!" Josh shouted.

"What?" Walter asked.

"Drake isn't suicidal!" shouted Josh again.

"We heard you the first time; you don't need to yell," said Walter.

"But what about all those things he said?" asked Audrey.

"Those are band names. He told me," said Josh urgently.

"Band names?" asked his father.

"Yes, Suicide, Suicidal Tendencies, Death, and Anthrax," said Josh.

"Hold on, I don't remember him mentioning Yes," said Audrey.

"Well, this has been a darkly comedic misunderstanding," said Walter.

"The story of my life," said Josh.

Suddenly, Dr. Pearson entered the doorway, with Drake alongside her.

"Take him back," Dr. Pearson said. "Here's my opinion. I diagnose him as a metalhead!"

Back in the kitchen, Megan looked disappointed.

[Credits scene]

A girl about the boys' age was standing alone in a cemetery.

"My mom doesn't let me come here. She hates it," the girl said.

For the rest of the credits time, she did the macarena in silence.