(OotP) CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Haywire

"Fred," Ellie shouted, stumbling out of Umbridge's office and into the hall. "Fred!"

But he was gone.

She didn't understand what was happening. He had come in, rescued her from Umbridge, delivered a line that rendered him never welcome at Hogwarts again, and disappeared without so much as a glance in Ellie's direction?

Was he… mad at her?

"Lav," Ellie said, running up to her roommate and gripping her so hard by the arm, Lavender actually shrieked in pain. "Sorry. Have you seen Fred go by this way?"

"No," said Lavender, scanning her friend with concern. "Are you okay, Ellie? Your eyes are all red and—"

But Ellie was already running past her.

Where had he gone? How fast had he run? It had only taken her a matter of seconds to pull her shattered self together enough to follow him. Granted, the potion Umbridge had given her was still rendering her weaker than usual, but she wasn't exactly immobile.

She heard something then—the soft, familiar strumming of an acoustic guitar. It sounded so far away, she thought for a moment that it might be in her head. But then she heard the faint sound of a very familiar voice singing and realized with a pang of emotion that it was Fred.

"Do you hear that?" asked someone near her—a Ravenclaw Ellie barely knew—to their friend.

"Another Weasleys song?" suggested the friend, apparently not having noticed Ellie. "C'mon—let's check it out."

Ellie followed the Ravenclaws in a wordless stupor as they headed for the front entrance of the castle and out onto the front lawn. There, she froze in her tracks.

Fred was balanced atop his broomstick, which he had apparently broken free from confiscation. He was floating high above them—high enough that Umbridge wouldn't easily be able to reach him—playing his guitar and singing a song that Ellie herself had introduced to him years ago.

"When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel—your skin makes me cry."

Her hand flew to her mouth as the facts slowly, horribly began to dawn on her.

He was saying goodbye.

"You float like a feather in a beautiful world. I wish I was special you're so fucking special."

Fred, she pleaded in his head. Could he even hear her? Had he taken the potion for real this time? Don't do this. Please.

But if he heard her, he gave no indication.

"Ellie."

Ellie refused to turn at the voice of her other best friend—refused to look away from the boy who was publicly and actively breaking her heart. But when she felt George press something into Ellie's hand, she took it.

"Whatever makes you happy—whatever you want. You're so fucking special—I wish I was special. But I'm a creep—I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."

"Please," she whispered to George. The song was ending; she was running out of time. George had strapped numerous boxes and bags to his own broomstick—enough that told her neither one of them had any plans to return. "We were doing better. We just need more time. Don't let him leave me. Don't you leave me."

George smiled sadly at Ellie as he mounted his broomstick. "We'll always have your back, Ellie," he told her softly. "Remember that."

And with that, both Weasley twins flew away from Hogwarts—and from her.


El,

The night of the Yule Ball was the greatest night of my life. I always thought—at least, hoped—that it might have been yours, too.

Seeing that memory, though, and feeling what you felt, made me realize that, even if it was your best, it was also your worst. I realize now that no matter how much you heal, you'll never forgive yourself for hurting him—that night, or any other.

There's a reason you still haven't moved on from his death, and that reason is me.

There was simply too much overlap. There were too many intertwining emotions—too much damage done as we all attempted to navigate the cruelty that Aleks put us through.

I hope that you believe me, El—that you understand this is no cop-out. I told you I could handle waiting, and I meant it. I would have waited forever for you. I have always loved you, and I always will.

Don't believe me? Determined to believe I simply don't love you enough to stay?

Here's a story I've never told you: The year I met you, you took me to the Mirror of Erised. For several seconds, I couldn't understand what was special about it. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary there—just me and you. It wasn't until you kissed me in that mirror that I realized what my deepest desire was—even then.

It's because of that love that I can't wait forever for you—or rather, I can't let you wait forever to be with me.

I'll never be able to protect you from this pain. I'm the cause of it.

Your only shot at happiness anymore is without me in the picture.

I want you to take your potion, and I want you to put your locket away, somewhere safe. If you're ever in trouble—if you're ever in physical danger and need my help—I hope you'll use the locket and know that I'll come running. Beyond that, though, I have to ask that you not reach out to me. However hard this feels for you, I promise it's harder for me.

Be safe, be careful, but most of all, be happy.

Love always,

Fred


No, she said in his head for what felt like the thousandth time. I refuse to accept it. Come back.

He didn't answer. He hadn't answered once since he left her three hours ago.

Had he really taken the potion? Was he using Occlumency to block her out? After all, he'd told her to use her locket, not her thoughts, if she ever needed him. Wasn't that a sign that he was no longer able to hear her thoughts?

"Ellie. Ellie, I need you to look at me. Ellie, can you hear me?"

She hated that name—Ellie. It was no better than Eleanor. Why didn't everyone call her "El" the way Fred did? It was so much simpler—so much more real. Like him.

"Ellie, your shield is going haywire. Are you okay? Is it affecting your brain?"

The absurdity of that question was enough to draw Ellie out of her stupor long enough to shoot Parvati a rather sarcastic look.

"Do you want us to take you to the hospital wing?" Hermione asked from her other side. They were in the fifth year suite, it would seem. Ellie couldn't quite remember how she had gotten there. All she knew was that Fred's letter was still clutched tightly in her hand.

"No." She glanced down at herself and saw what Parvati had meant about her shield. That funny feeling she'd been experiencing for weeks of it bubbling to the surface had apparently been replaced by it actually breaking the surface.

Too little, too late, she told her shield. As usual.

"Maybe you should eat something," said Lavender, frowning. "You don't have to go to the Great Hall if you don't want to. We could go and fetch you something."

Ellie didn't want food. She didn't want anything except Fred back. She glanced at Hermione with heavy eyes and asked, "Is Ginny around?"

Hermione flitted off to the suite next-door, where she murmured something that Ellie couldn't quite make out before ushering Ginny hurriedly in.

"Did they say anything to you?" Ellie asked her pseudo-sister. "Before they left?"

Ginny's brown eyes swam with concern and sympathy. "Just George. Said he had to pack up their things quick, before Umbridge figured out what he was doing. Snuck out all the Wizard Wheezes stuff he could fit on his broom."

They were probably going to try and open up a real shop, then. Ellie was glad for them. She hated them for leaving her, but she was still glad there was opportunity ahead of them after Fred got expelled because of her.

"He looked… scared," Ginny said softly. "Not of leaving—they both hated it here by the end, same as the rest of us. He was scared for Fred, you know? Of what this would do to him."

"Scared for Fred?" Ellie repeated—so sharply that all four of the girls shrunk back in response. "Fred chose to leave. What about me?"

"He must have done it for you, though, right?" asked Lavender, frowning. "What happened before that, Ellie? Can I see that letter?"

But Ellie closed her fist tightly around the letter, protecting the last shroud of Fred she had for all she was worth.


She didn't fall asleep that night. She spent most of the minutes saying Fred's name in her head over and over again, attempting to cast it into his and knowing that, in all likelihood, he couldn't hear her.

When the sun finally rose above the horizon in the morning, she got to her feet and stepped in front of the mirror.

Her shield was still going haywire. It wasn't quite as intense as it had been the night before, but it was still there—a faint, popping, inconsistent glimmer surrounding her.

Worse than that, though, it hurt.

She was no stranger to this kind of pain, of course. Every time she had overexerted her shield, she wound up feeling this way—as if a magical sort of soreness had overtaken her mind and body. She had once compared it to feeling like she'd been hit by a bus, but now she was fairly certain she'd prefer the bus.

There was something different about it now. It felt more dire—as if it came with an invisible expiration date. Your time is running out. You'd better do something, and fast.


By the time she reached her first class that day, Ellie had accepted the reality that Fred wasn't coming back.

What could she do but accept it, really? He was either ignoring or incapable of hearing her repeated attempts to contact him. She could write to him, but in all likelihood, he'd ignore that, too. She could leave Hogwarts altogether and go see him, but that would risk her own expulsion. She might not care much for this place anymore, but if she was expelled from Hogwarts and from Fred's life, where would that leave her?

Besides, her father had already turned her down. He wanted her to stay.

"When's the next D.A. meeting?" Ellie asked Hermione as she walked to lunch with her, Harry, and Ron.

All three of them looked surprised by her question. It was the first thing she'd said aloud all day.

"We were thinking maybe this weekend," said Hermione carefully. "But if that's too soon—"

"No," said Ellie. "It's not soon enough."

"But…" Hermione frowned, glancing at the boys as if hoping for help. "What about your detentions with Umbridge? Don't you have them after class every day?"

Ellie let out a wry, humorless laugh at that. Umbridge had slipped a note onto her desk at the start of Charms that day: Your detentions have been canceled until such a time that I see fit to reinstate them.

It wasn't an act of kindness, Ellie knew. Umbridge had gone so far during the last detention, there were barely any Cedric memories left. Most likely, she was taking a few days to come up with something new to torture Ellie about.

"I'm off the hook," Ellie summarized. "Can we meet today?"

The golden trio exchanged another look. This time, Harry spoke. "Are you sure, Ellie? Sure you don't want to take a few days first?"

"We're still around, either way," added Hermione. "If you want to talk, or…"

"I'm sure," Ellie said firmly. "Set it up. Please."


As soon as Ellie stepped into the Room of Requirement that evening, Liam approached her.

"I'm so sorry," he said, scanning her with obvious concern. "I still don't know exactly what happened that day, but—"

"It's fine," she interrupted him. Compared to Fred having left, the incident with Noel Davies barely even stung anymore. "It's not the reason for…" She gestured to her still-sporadically-glimmering self. "..this."

"But it's the reason you Splinched!" he exclaimed. Thankfully, no one else was there yet. "He did something bad enough to make you Apparate here when you didn't even know how. I swear, if I had known he was capable, I never—"

"He didn't do anything. He's not exactly the most decent guy in the world, but he didn't do anything. I just… sort of… flashed back to something."

As soon as she said it, she wished she could take it back. Even more concern filled his pale, blue eyes, and pity was the last thing she wanted.

Thankfully, the rest of the D.A. filed in at that point, taking their usual spots on one side of the room or the other. To her surprise, Neville, for the first time, took her side.

"I don't exactly fancy myself an expert on much of anything," Neville told Ellie shyly as he took his place next to Luna. "But I wanted to make sure you were alright."

His words touched her, but they also made her feel even queasier than she already did. She didn't want Neville's pity any more than she wanted Liam's.

"Ellie," said Zacharias, eyeing her thoughtfully. "Is it true you Apparated into Hogwarts?"

"Well… yeah. But I didn't do a great job of it."

She moved aside her robes and lifted her shirt to show them the giant scar that lingered on her stomach. When she did, Liam's eyes bulged, and he quickly stepped in front of her as if trying to block the sight of her exposed stomach from the rest of the group.

It was a bit indecent of her, she supposed. But she didn't particularly care.

"Splinched or not, that's really something, Ellie," said Katie Bell. "Far back as I can remember, they've been saying it's impossible."

"Thanks," Ellie said. And then something in her shifted, and she asked, "Do you think I should try it again?"

"What?" demanded Marietta. "Are you insane?"

"Probably." Ellie shrugged. "But why not try?"

"Ellie," said Liam. "You nearly died last time. Surely you can't be serious."

She held his gaze for several seconds. She knew he didn't mean it like a challenge, but that was how it felt. You nearly died last time. You failed.

You always fail.

She was tired of failing. She was tired of letting people like Aleksander Dolohov and Noel Davies and Dolores Umbridge win. She was ready to fight back.

So, without a single word, she thought of home, closed her eyes, and Apparated out of there.

She was in the kitchen at 12 Grimmauld Place. The Order was having a meeting, but the doors were closed. Without the kids around to listen in, though, they hadn't opted for the silencing charms.

"…saying her shield's been going haywire all day." Molly's voice. "You know how that shield weakens her. I'm afraid she'll be back at St. Mungo's within the week."

"I'll write to her." Sirius now. "I'm sure she's just upset. None of us expected your boys to do something like this."

"They were expelled!" shouted Arthur. "They didn't have a choice!"

"Actually, only one of us was expelled."

Ellie froze. It was George.

Was Fred on the other side of that door, too?

"Even more reason for at least one of you to have stayed and looked after her," Sirius was saying. "How could you leave her like that, George? With everything she's been going through this year? How could he?"

"He left for her." Ellie started to breathe again. It sounded like Fred wasn't there. "He's as devastated as she is, Sirius. He's barely left the house."

She couldn't hear any more. She didn't want Fred to be devastated. She just wanted him back.

She closed her eyes, thought of the Room of Requirement, and Apparated back in.

She didn't Splinch.

"Jesus, Ellie," breathed Angelina, shaking her head. "Really took your time about it, didn't you?"

"We were about ready to go to Dumbledore," Neville told her. "Where did you go?"

But Ellie didn't answer his question. Instead, she cleared her throat so loudly, everyone in the room—not just her side—stopped what they were doing and turned to look at her.

"I'm going to kick things up a notch," she told them. "Apparition and Disapparition. Legilimency and Occlumency. Conjuration and Vanishment. And—yes—the Unforgivable Curses."

"Ellie," said Harry immediately, stepping towards her. "You need to think about this. Those curses are illegal. You can't—"

"I'm going to get strong," she interrupted. "Strong enough to kill Death Eaters. And once I am, I'm going to kill the man responsible for killing Cedric."

That was what it all boiled down to, really: Aleks. Her desire to imprison Peter Pettigrew and deliver him to the Ministry in exchange for Sirius' freedom was a close second, of course, but killing Aleks had officially landed at number one. He was the reason for all of her pain—the reason Fred had left.

"So," she said, taking a deep breath. "Who's with me?"


Well, Ellie has officially gone off the deep end... but can you blame her? Are we mad at Fred for leaving, or do we at least see where he's coming from? Surely he'll come back to his senses soon, right? Or am I too cruel for that? Whatever happens, I can promise you that the rest of Ellie's year five will be a major whirlwind. Stay tuned, and don't forget to review and follow to show your support!