Hello again! Believe it or not, tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of when I uploaded the first chapter of The Loudest Silence! Crazy, right? I would wait and upload it then, but A) it will be Mother's Day, and B) I'll likely be busy all day anyway. LoL it's been a year and they've only just reached Rivendell… Oooh boy.

Regardless! The anniversary is made even more fantastic by the fact that, for my birthday, the continuously-amazing Durinsdottir made FANARTS FOR TLS! Fanarts! As in multiple! It still blows my mind when I look at them, and I've been staring non-stop, I swear. (For your convenience, I will be adding that link in my profile as well.)

Anyways. Your patience has paid off. Here it goes! :)


The Loudest Silence

Chapter Twenty


For the first few hours of self-induced isolation, I tried to read. While an entertaining book, The Last Unicorn just wasn't enough to keep away my thoughts, and I wound up re-reading the same lines over and over. With a certain amount of frustration, I gave up on that and curled up in the bed sheets, doing absolutely jack shit for quite a while, as one is want to do when in a funk.

I eventually got up and wandered around the room, partially pacing, partially inspecting decorations. After meandering for a moment, I went over to my window and took a look out over the grounds. Like I mentioned, there was no way for anyone to see up into my room with the level it was on and the way it was positioned, but the view was still quite nice. I could see several pathways winding through trees and some gazebo-looking structures, and quite a ways away there was a garden of some kind. Though it was lined with trees, and I couldn't really discern anything through the branches, I could make out what looked like benches. I made a mental note to see about visiting the odd garden if I could, turning to glance at other scenery.

While doing this, I absentmindedly reached up to find my whistle, forgetting for a panicky moment that I had put it in my backpack before bathing yesterday. The small fright subsided as I walked over and pulled it from my bag, replacing it around my neck and holding it to my chest with relief. Had I left it in my hoodie, I wasn't sure if it would have been damaged by being washed, but I was glad I didn't have to find out.

Were it not for Bifur's clever gift, would they have found me in time? Mere seconds was all it would have taken...

I forced my mind to blank out and not think about that. Sucking in a deep breath, I began pacing again, fiddling with the whistle, tracing the Khuzdul runes that spelled out Birâthûna with my thumbs. Girl of the map. Hah. That title was wasted on me. I was the one who got the map toasted in the first place.

Noon rolled around, and when I still didn't come out of hiding for lunch, I received a knock on the door.

I was sitting on the bed when they visited, giving a slight jump at the sound. Ugh, I was still so tense... With a scowl, I watched the closed entry way and waited.

"Jenna?" came Kili's familiar voice, and then a long pause.

Was he waiting for me to answer back or something? Because, I mean…

Apparently they were having the same thoughts, as there was a whispering that I couldn't quite make out, followed up by Fili's voice, saying, "If you're taking a nap, we apologize. Er… but if you're not, perhaps…"

"Uh, clap twice if you can hear us!" Kili suggested, sounding a bit too hopeful that I would reply.

I stared at the door in contemplation for a moment, finally giving in and clapping twice.

There was an excited shuffling, and the dull sound of cloth as if someone was whopped on the shoulder.

"Lunch has been served," Fili said. "The Elves mentioned you were still in your room, so we came to see if you were hungry."

"It's the same as before – fruits and vegetables and the like – but it's better than nothing, we suppose," Kili added casually, like he hadn't been eagerly snorfing down some vegetarian fare at breakfast. Were Dwarves afraid that liking healthy food would make them less intimidating or something?

While I knew I should be hungry, food just sounded unappealing at the moment. My stomach hadn't properly settled since my nausea at breakfast, and just the sound of the princes' voices had sent it roiling with guilt again, so lunch was probably a bad idea.

I stood from the bed and waited a moment, unsure of how to answer without opening the door.

"We understand if… maybe you need more time," assured Fili after a long interval of nothing.

There was a forced chuckle from Kili, as he added, "Can't say I would come out for just a salad either. Though, later this evening, we were planning on cooking up some sausages. They won't keep for much longer, so if you'd like to join us then, instead…"

The offer hung in the air, unanswered, and I felt the opportunity slip away.

An almost imperceptible, "C'mon, Kee," was followed by one pair of footsteps slowly meandering down the hall. A few seconds later, there was the soft slide of a hand falling from the door, and the other feet taking a few steps, hesitantly, before continuing onward with the first.

I blinked rapidly as my eyes watered, and I quickly stared at the ceiling as I ran a hand through my hair.

I'm sorry, you guys.


"Jenna?"

Abruptly, I was pulled from the light sleep I had fallen into as a few knocks sounded at the door again. Sitting on the floor with my back against the end of the bed, The Last Unicorn had slipped from my hands and was lying face down between my legs. There was a horrible crick in my neck as I looked around briefly, realizing the sun had gone down, and the two sconces shone just as persistent as before.

"Just came to check on you, see if ye might be wanting supper, since the lads mentioned ye weren't feeling up to lunch and all…" came the easily recognizable voice of Bofur. "We've got sausages cookin' this time though! Ought to be a wee bit better than a pile o' lettuce trying to call itself a meal, aye? Bombur's fixing them up as we speak. Or rather, as I speak."

The corner of my lip twitched at his joke, despite my half asleep state. I stretched painfully, then picked up my book and stood, setting it on the bed as I wondered if I would be able to handle seeing everyone quite yet. My previous immunity to hunger was wearing off, but was food worth freaking out again?

"Not even sure if ye've heard anything I've said, so I might actually be talkin' to myself over here, but we'd love to have ya join us for a while," Bofur continued.

I took a few steps towards the door, pausing midway as I brushed off the remnants of my dozing. More awake (though still quite tired), I could feel the return of that tightness in my stomach that had nothing to do with hunger. Well, okay, it might have had a little bit to do with hunger, considering I had barely eaten in the past two days, but this dread far outweighed the draw of food. The idea of coming to dinner, only to flee when the reality once again overwhelmed me, was not super appealing.

"It's not a fancy get-together or nothin'," he said, still without any sign that I was actually awake, "So ye don't have to wear that Elvish garb again if ye don't want. In fact, it's so relaxed that most o'the Company's in their unders! Though, now that I think of it… that little detail might not be a winner."

Bofur would probably keep going until I gave some indication of yes or no, so I took the last couple of steps across the room as he began talking about their campfire they were cooking the sausages over.

As I opened the door a smidgen, I saw the Dwarf standing expectantly in the hallway as he spoke, stopping midsentence when I showed up.

"Why, hello there! Long time no see," Bofur said while smiling. "Wasn't sure if ye were asleep already or maybe out for a walk. Nobody's seen hide nor hair of ye since breakfast, so we all just assumed you were still in here resting up."

I nodded. 'Still here. Still not feeling… the best,' I signed listlessly through the partially open door, dropping my gaze a bit to stare at one of his braids.

"Ah. I'm sorry about that, lass," he reassured, tone softening as he took in my demeanor. "I figure it can't be easy for you right now."

There was a long pause, with me continuing to avoid eye contact as he went on.

"For what ye went through... I know there's no amount of apologizin' that can make it so as nothing happened, but I am sorry for that as well. Sorry I couldn't stop 'em from taking you. Downright slimy bastards, using a little thing like you as hostage – riles me all over again just thinkin' about it," he forced himself to break off before he could begin ranting.

A frown had crept up on my face at his apology, and I found myself shaking my head and saying, 'Not your fault they take me. Do not apologize.'

"Aye, I know, I know. Just wish there was more I could've done," Bofur gave in, a small smile coming back to him finally. "Dwarves don't take too kindly to their friend bein' kidnapped, if ye can believe it."

I nodded slightly, my lips turning upwards a bit at 'friend'.

A sigh escaped Bofur, then he continued with, "Anyway – dinner! Ye know how our crew puts away food, so if you're plannin' on having some…?"

My slowly lifting mood rolled away like a wobbly tire from a cartoon car crash at the thought of socializing. Like, actual socializing, possibly with Durins, and not just singular Bofur here who was a living embodiment of charisma and comfort.

Bofur watched as my expression changed unintentionally, and he pursed his lips for a second, seeming to realize my decision hadn't changed. "That's alright then. Ye don't have to if you don't want," he said. Adding as an afterthought, "Though, if I brought you a plate, would ye try to get a little bit of food down? The hunger's only gonna make ye feel worse, lass."

I thought about it for a second before deciding that was probably the best idea, so I gave a nod, grateful for his offer.

In the end, I was only able to eat half the plate Bofur brought back before he skedaddled to rejoin the others – though, in my defense, it was a veritable mountain of food. Whether on accident or on purpose, I think he was trying to get me to compensate for the meals I hadn't had, but that just wasn't how it worked. Either way, the sentiment was still appreciated, and I was able to sate my tentative hunger with sausages, potatoes, carrots, and various other nibbles he thought I might like.

My fifteen some-odd minutes of dozing on the floor was probably the longest consecutive amount of time sleeping that I'd gone without a nightmare since the kidnapping, giving me enough energy to do… Well, not a whole lot, but my brain was temporarily functioning. I knew that wouldn't last long, though, and decided to think on a plan of some kind if I wasn't going with the Company.

From my cross-legged seat on the bed, I leaned over, setting my partially devoured plate on one of the nightstands, and wondered briefly how long I could stay in Rivendell before they got tired of me. Maybe I could find a job here, do dishes or something, earn my keep. It was funny trying to imagine these Elves doing dishes anyway, but someone had to be doing them, and it wasn't like they had connections to the House Elves of Hogwarts. Ha, no, if Dobby was here, I'd just get him to apparate my ass out of this mess so I could go home and be depressed in peace. Hang out with Netflix instead of the ever-thrilling Window-flix.

It wouldn't be a good idea to stay in Rivendell anyway though, I realized with a grimace. Bilbo would be coming back through here on his way home, after having experienced the horror of the final battle and witnessing the deaths of his friends – deaths that I would have known were going to happen. I couldn't face the Hobbit after that, or risk running into him. Even if he never found out about my knowledge, the guilt alone would be… a tad crushing. This also meant I couldn't go live in Hobbiton, as fun as that sounded, and I sure as fuck didn't want to go live in Bree, even with Gavin and Jean out of the picture. What if someone recognized me as that weird girl they were chasing through town?

No, if there was any possible way for me to go home, that would be a much better idea, since I wasn't even supposed to be in Middle Earth and there had obviously been a huge mistake. The question was, how?

I didn't figure Gandalf would be willing to help me chicken out of an apparent 'choice' made by the Valar, or give me any ideas on how to do so, but who else could I go to? What tier of magical skill did you have to be on for 'speaking to the deities' to be an option? I seriously doubted I could just go mentally yell at a flower until Yavanna materialized before me.

Though, given my location and timing, perhaps there was another I could talk to. Maybe I could get her to convince Yavanna to send me back, or maybe even do it herself, authority level depending. I mean, if anyone was omniscient enough to see what a terrible decision had been made, and to immediately know the truth of the situation, it was Galadriel.

Right?

Big fat problem though – I wasn't entirely sure when Galadriel would even show up. All I knew was that, according to the movie, the White Council would meet one night and the Dwarves would sneak out at the butt-crack of dawn so the Elves can't stop them. However, taking the extended edition of the film into account, I was still stuck on the same question as before; on what exact day was the Company leaving?

I huffed, standing from the bed to put on my silky slippers. Damn overly-condensed timelines!

With nothing else for it, I decided to go for a walk, hoping that luck or fate or whatever was on my side, and maybe I could run into the Lady of Lórien. Or, better still, maybe she would have a vision about this traumatized potato child and go ahead and come over. Surely to God she would be able to see what a disaster this was? That I could very easily send Middle Earth spiraling into a cataclysmic event with just one wrong move? How much I needed to be anywhere but here?

While Rivendell was peaceful during the daytime, it was absolutely dead at night. It was like when you check into a nice hotel really late in the evening, and the only sound is coming from their decorative water fountain and that one person at the snack machine. Except the fountain was a waterfall, and the snack machine guest was a bundle of loud Dwarves laughing and telling stories around a campfire some several buildings away.

I had no desire to run into the Company, so I found myself wandering down the airy walkways in the opposite direction, my route lit via scattered candelabras and moonlight. Where there weren't candles, there were windows, but the temperature seemed to be pretty comfortable, if a bit on the brisk side. I was glad it wasn't any cooler, seeing as how I was just wandering around in my t-shirt and sweats, and didn't really feel like going back for my hoodie or cloak.

A number of halls and a few small staircases away, I discovered an exit from the building that led to a long, rectangular yard of sorts. There were a total of seven stone benches lining the whole thing, three on each side and one at the end, and ornamental statues of graceful figures in between them. The whole thing was surrounded by some decent sized trees, though I didn't know what kind. I wasn't a girl scout.

After a few minutes, I realized it was the garden I had seen earlier, from my room. I made my way to the very last bench at the end of the yard and peeked up, past the trees, recognizing my window some distance away and confirming my suspicions.

All in all, it felt cozy and relatively secluded, lit by two sconces on either side of the doorway I came from, plus the obvious moon. Though, I couldn't be 100% sure that I wasn't intruding on someone's private garden. Practicality said they wouldn't place it so close to the guest quarters if they didn't want people visiting, but I was not familiar with the intricacies of Elven etiquette.

I sighed a bit as I plopped down on the stone bench. Now what?

My genius idea worked about as well as I thought it would – which was to say, not at all. I chilled there for a while, unconsciously messing with the drawstrings of my sweatpants as I stared at the stars, hoping something would happen. This bench was the only one not covered by a tree, so you could see every twinkling dot up there. It really was quite beautiful, but maybe that's because I still wasn't used to it. Stars were so much harder to see back in my home city, and despite all our days of camping, they were just as pretty to me as they were on day one. Er… well, day two then, considering day one was not exactly great for stargazing.

I'm not sure how long I waited for some supernatural entity to show up, basically begging for a sign that any of them were listening to my silent pleas. Yavanna was who I tried first, for a long while. I made an effort to stay polite, but eventually it just dissolved into rambling. You guys know this was a bad idea, so send me back. Send me back home. I'm the wrong one for this job. Please send me back, Yavanna, I thought desperately, trying to project my non-existent words into space like a loon. It felt almost like praying. My Aunt had never been really religious, though she did have her own beliefs about the world and spirituality, and she's the one who basically raised me, so that had kind of rubbed off. Praying was a foreign feeling, but like… I knew Yavanna was out there! I knew the Valar were awake and kicking, corporeal or not! I freakin' met one of them!

I rubbed my eyes when the stars became blurry, aggravation rising at my inability to keep from crying for five seconds. Scowling at the sky, I tried again with a different approach, much too irritated with Yavanna to keep calling for something that wasn't happening.

Fine. Galadriel... Uh, Lady Galadriel… I don't even know if you have that kind of influence, or if you can even hear me, but I know you're crazy powerful. I'm not strong enough for this. I'm not brave. I'm scared. I almost died. Maybe I'll have to talk to you when you get here in person, maybe you can just like… hear me now. Either way. I need to go home. I'll mess everything up if I stay here. Please, please, please, Lady Galadriel…

Pretty please with sugar on top?


I nodded off several times, lying on the bench and staring at the stars to distract myself, unable to find any of the constellations I knew from home. My mental pleading would begin anew each time I was awoken by a nightmare, but the shiny, distant specks were oddly calming, and I couldn't find it in myself to go back inside until the sky was a deep blue and the birds had already begun their twittering.

With a slightly sore throat, from the combination of crying so much lately and trying to sleep on a stone bench with no blanket or coat (genius), I meandered back to my room, exhausted. If I got sick, then I definitely wasn't going on no jolly quest, my own choice be damned.

I fell over onto the fluffy white blankets of the guest bed, face first. My own choice… Was it though? Was it really my own choice? The Valar had picked wrong, that's all it was. There was no decision for me to make – right?

Air escaped into the blankets instead of an aggravated screech.

Again, I wound up dozing after that, rising as soon as the sky was light enough to deem it morning. Not that I actually left the room or anything, save for trips to the toilet or to go wash up a little bit. No. I secluded myself once more, like a big ole coward, only opening the door briefly when I heard a knock, followed by, "Lady Hollander?"

Since it wasn't one of the Dwarves and I wouldn't have to face everlasting guilt, I allowed Nadri to enter. To my surprise, she brought me a bowl of some fruit salad looking stuff, seeming to disapprove of the state of my diet.

"You have not rejoined your companions for some time now," she said, in response to the curious look I gave her as she handed off the bowl. In the same smooth motion, she passed by me and retrieved the half eaten dinner from the previous evening, from the nightstand. Oops. Forgot about that.

I shuffled my feet and shrugged slightly.

The Elf watched this, glancing at my arm and then turning to exit, saying, "I will return with clean bandages."

Within minutes, Nadri came back and made me sit on the edge of the bed. She took a seat next to me and undid the previous dressings, a minute crease appearing between her fine brows as she inspected the cut, saying nothing until it was re-bandaged.

"If possible, allow your injury to breathe later this evening. I will come to change it again at that time," Nadri eventually advised. The bandages from the previous day were rolled into a neat bundle, and she carried them away, pausing at the door to look at me.

I gave her a smile of thanks, though I don't think that's what she was waiting for, as the tiny crease between her brows had not dissipated.

Her voice was calm though somehow curious, and I couldn't quite read her when she said, "They are certainly an… interesting bunch, your Dwarves."

My brow quirked a bit at 'your', and I waited for some expansion on her statement.

"If you do not enjoy their company, why must you travel with them?" Nadri asked bluntly.

This time, I frowned. What was she going on about? Why would she think I didn't…? Oh. I realized then, that would probably be the logical conclusion from an outsider's point of view. I suddenly hoped the Company themselves didn't see it that way, though… Oh man. I shook my head a bit with that frown still there, trying to convey that she had the wrong idea.

Nadri paused to study my expression, the crease finally fading, and her face returning to that naturally serene state. Whether or not my actual message came across was unclear, but she gave a single nod all the same, dipping out of the room and closing the door behind her. I meandered over to slowly reopen the door, peeking out into the hallway. After watching her disappear around a corner, I debated for a moment before deciding to leave the door open, needing some kind of change in here so I wouldn't go insane.

So the Elves thought I was avoiding the Company because I didn't like them? Well, that was just patently untrue. The Dwarves were fantastic and the hitch was that that I liked them too much. I was avoiding them because I didn't like… well, me. Which was kind of backwards, but I was wrong for this job and nobody said depression made any sense. They needed like, an athlete who had been backpacking across Europe and did archery in her spare time; not me, whose athleticism and archery skills were limited to the shitty little Wii she bought at a yard sale. Though I could see now why my behavior would come across as avoidance due to dislike rather than avoidance for reasons they wouldn't even have a clue about.

Nibbling on the bowl of fruit, I stared out the window with a frown. Did the Dwarves see it that way? Surely they knew I wasn't upset at them for any reason? I was about to let them waltz off without me, knowing three of them were going to die, however, so I obviously didn't like them enough to endanger my life for their sake… Except, I did. The thought of Thorin, Fili, and Kili meeting their end because I didn't try sent an icicle through my stomach, now more than ever. But… I couldn't! Judging by the trip so far, I would wind up dead before I could even change anything for the better!

I chucked a blackberry out my window, grinding my teeth as I watched it disappear harmlessly into some tree branches, gaining no satisfaction from the scene.

Maybe… Maybe I could try and find Galadriel again. She was bound to show up eventually. If I just kept checking around every night, perhaps I could find her before the meeting of the White Council. I would have simply found the meeting place itself and waited there instead, but I didn't want to risk running into Saruman, regardless of who he was aligned with in The Hobbit time period. (Just the thought of meeting him gave me the heebie jeebies.)

Yes. That was my plan. Find an Elf witch and run away from my problems. Escape the world that I always turned to in order to get away from my troubles on Earth. I would run back to the universe where these Dwarven deaths were fictional and I wouldn't have to feel guilty. The only type of running I was good at.

I hurled an entire strawberry out the window this time, the small fruit smacking against a wall and leaving a tiny pink stain on the neighboring beige building. Scrunching up my face in an attempt to stop any crying, I screamed at myself internally, frustration having reached a boiling point.

Jenna Marie Hollander, you bloody coward!

"Kili's behavior is rubbing off on you."

Giving a small jump, I whirled around to see Thorin standing in my doorway with his arms crossed, expression stoic as normal despite his light tone at the mention of his nephew's food-throwing. I was glaring at him, partially for scaring me, and partially for interrupting a very important conversation with some fruit. This was not a good time to see one of the three reasons for my excruciating internal debate.

Still scowling, I set my bowl down on the closest nightstand to ask, 'You do not knock?'

Thorin's brows rose a bit at my venom before he moved his gaze, glancing around the room in an attempt at casual. "The door was open," he said simply, looking back to me. "I assumed you would be decent this time."

'You know what they say about assume,' I signed, expression the same as I ignored the decency remark.

He decided to humor me, annoyingly enough, remaining calm despite my clear issue of having company at the moment, and asked, "What do they say, Miss Hollander?"

I broke eye contact, glaring at my hands as I answered, 'Makes an ass of you and me.'

A long pause.

Though I didn't see Thorin's reaction, he was silent for a moment before a somewhat suppressed sigh was heard, and I could tell he uncrossed his arms. He made no comment about my cruddy joke, instead asking, "May I come in?"

Honestly, I wanted to say no, GTFO, but found myself hesitantly nodding anyway. Dammit.

He took a few slow, measured steps into the room, stopping midway between me and the door. Nothing was said as the birds chirped outside and we watched the leaves of the trees rustling through my window, Thorin seeming to think very carefully on his words.

Growing anxious, I began picking at my already abysmal nails. What could he want?

"In the past two days, you've not left this room but a handful of times," he said after a while, tone almost resigned. "You're not sleeping, you're barely eating. The others grow concerned."

For a second, I wondered how they knew I wasn't sleeping, but leaned slightly to glance in the mirror behind him. Hello Captain Obvious, I looked like shit! If I didn't resemble a raccoon before this, then I definitely did now! The dark circles beneath my eyes were a deal more significant, and my already pale complexion just looked deathly in comparison to the splay of colors still on my cheekbone. Not to mention my hair. Lord, my hair…

The way my eyebrows tilted was an obvious concurrence with their reasoning.

Our eyes met again, Thorin taking note of my realization and giving his own subtle expression of 'see'? It faded relatively quickly, back into that grim set that made me worry about his next words, as he explained, "I spoke amongst our Company, unfortunately reaching the same conclusion as many others. We know now of the runes, of what they say; we know when and under what circumstances the door will be accessible. Though I still have many questions for you before we depart in four days' time, I will not force you to continue on this journey."

I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing. I felt a chilly burst in my veins as I stared at him, not quite sure if I heard right.

Thorin noticed something on my face change – I think what little color there was may have disappeared, to be honest – and he added, a little softer, "I thank you for what help you have given, however, this quest is the burden of myself and my kin. Persisting in your current state would be foolish. You signed no contract, nor made any promise to see this mission to its end."

This was what I had been waiting for, wasn't it? The chance to drop out of the race, wash my hands of this madness?

Then why, oh why was that suddenly the last thing I wanted to do?

Even though he didn't have a clue as to the magnitude of his words, Thorin was giving me permission to let him and his nephews die. All he did know was that he had a girl in his Company who was scared and a bit traumatized, nightmare-riddled with a shot appetite, and he was going to let her off the hook. He knew what the map said now and probably thought that was why the Valar sent me – to be the spare map, the Birâthûna. I had done my duty. There was no point in making me go when I was obviously terrified, because they knew I was not just a tattoo to keep track of, but also a human life. It was the same reason Thorin had asked what happened to me, the other night, instead of jumping straight to questions about how the map was burned. They were good, and kind, and loyal, and brave, and I was going to repay them by…

"Miss Hollander?"

I blinked a few times, breaking my dazed stare from a speck on the wall to look back to him, feeling light-headed suddenly. Maybe it was lack of sleep, maybe it was the unexpected slap across the mental face. Either way, I took a couple steps back and sat down heavily on the bed, causing Thorin to come slightly closer, making sure I wasn't about to pass out. It took me a while to steady enough for him to go on, and even then, he seemed to keep an eye out for signs of collapse.

"Tomorrow, I wish to speak with you further about the map. How it came to be on your arm, for one," Thorin informed me, thinking for a moment before adding, "As for your voice… I do not know the correlation, or why the Valar would set such a rule, but you made mention that it would return once the mountain was reclaimed, and reclaim Erebor we will."

I looked back up to him from my seat, tangible resolve rolling off this already striking figure. It was probably a bad sign that I had nearly forgotten about the vocal inconvenience in the midst of my wallowing, but what I had said about my voice that day was only half true. Not that they knew that. Not that I could admit that without spilling every single bean in the can.

Thorin briefly glanced at my arm, observing the new bandage and furthering his point with a sour attitude at the subject. "While there is no love lost between that of Dwarves and Elves, our hosts have less issue with your kind. I see they have tended your injury once more," he said, then looked to the bowl on the nightstand, tone changing slightly, "Brought you breakfast, even if some of it does happen to fly out of the window."

My daze had not quite gone away, and I didn't even notice one corner of my lips curl at that.

He did see it, though, some of the harsher lines on his face seeming to fade for a moment, and there was a long few seconds where I just stared at him, equal parts grateful and regretful of this short trip I had made. If the dip of his chin and the slight movement of his brows was any indication, Thorin was of a similar mindset, a mutual understanding sneaking through the barriers without words.

I'm sorry.

He was sorry I had been kidnapped and traumatized, and I was sorry for… well, a lot of god-awful things that had yet to happen, but for that moment, I was sorry I couldn't continue on with them. I was sorry I couldn't be what they needed.

Eventually, to my both my disappointment and relief, he broke eye contact, safely shuttering off whatever had transgressed. Something in my chest was tightening, constricting with the ever-shrinking window before me.

Thorin's grim demeanor returned and he said shortly, "I will have a word with Gandalf to see if something cannot be arranged temporarily."

There was a waiting period, to see if I would disagree with this decision. I took a breath and raised my hands, but signed nothing, letting them gradually fall back to my lap, lifting them intermittently until they were just completely still. No disagreement, no asking to continue on the quest. My lungs weren't functioning and I couldn't get my hands to either. God, but…

A mild sigh, like a nail in a coffin. "Miss Hollander," he said in the way that one says 'Good day', and then he was exiting my room.

I simply gave a dull nod, listening to his boot steps as they grew further and further away, and the breath that left me was shaky. It was done. It was over. Thorin Oakenshield would talk to Gandalf the Grey to make sure I could stay here, in Rivendell, where I would be far away from Wargs and Orcs, and I would be finished with this quest.

That was what I had begged for last night, wasn't it? A way out of this?

My heart was abruptly racing as my thoughts bounced around. I was more awake than I had been in a while, reality splashing me in the face like a cold glass of water as I thought about my friends. And they were friends. I enjoyed spending time with the ill-fated Durins; seeing Fili and Kili banter as brothers do, often engaging me in their antics when I was down. They tried this time as well, but I shut myself off because of an illness telling me things that just weren't true. Telling myself I was the wrong one for this.

Thorin… He was going to reclaim Erebor – return home – only to walk straight into a sickness himself, and then die trying to make up for his actions. He didn't deserve that.

I stood quickly, taking a few rapid steps to the open door, setting out into the hallway.

I thought about the Warg, staring me down. I thought about Gavin's screams, and it was almost enough to send me sprinting back to my room, but then all I could hear was Thorin, saying my name for the first time when I was rescued. They saved my life, and what was I going to do in return?

The hallway was empty now, thankfully, as I strode through the building, picking up speed the more I thought about what was to come. I was essentially jogging, though I don't know why. It wasn't like the Dwarves were going anywhere within the next five minutes.

Turning a corner, I recognized the veranda where the group had dined, gaining a few odd looks from some Elves as I glanced around. My head was bit light, but that was my own fault for trying to exert myself after not sleeping or eating properly.

Hearing some familiar voices, I shifted directions, following the sounds of conversation. They led me upstairs, down a walkway with some nice railings, into a room that was lined with the same banisters, and overlooked some of the gardens on the story below. The whole area was wide enough to accommodate the Company's gear, and everything was spread out like an indoor camping trip. There were even the remnants of a small bonfire in the center, where they had no doubt cooked the sausages from last night.

A few of the Dwarves were present when I came into view; Nori, leaning against the wall opposite the banister as he talked, and Ori, sitting on the ground next to the duo I was looking for. I hoped that, despite everything that had happened, the offer was still good.

"Jenna!" Kili exclaimed, pausing in the inspection of his bow. He was seated on the ground as well, next to his brother and Ori, the three seeming somewhat happy and yet worried that I was out of my cave of solitude.

From the wall, Nori just watched the proceedings with one eyebrow raised.

"We worried you would never come out," Fili tried jokingly, giving a smile that wasn't quite sure of the situation.

"Yes," Kili agreed with a nod, looking back to me, "How are you feeling?"

Instead of answering, I took the last few steps across the room, over some bedrolls and what I think may have been a broken table leg. Fili and Kili were watching me with looks that only sealed the certainty of my epiphany.

I realized I wasn't the wrong one.

I was the only one.

I was the only one here, now, that knew what would happen to them. Whether these Dwarves deserved someone better or not, I was the one they were stuck with, and though it was a shitty card the Valar dealt us, I had to play the game. I wasn't sure how, or even if I really could, but I was the only one available to save my new friends.

'Teach me to fight.'

And dammit if I wouldn't at least try.


Ah, here we go. Things are starting to look up, but will it be smooth sailing?

Probably not. XD

I enjoyed writing this chapter, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Don't be afraid to let me know what you thought! I love hearing from all of you! And feel free to message me on tumblr as well. I think I'm going to add a TLS tag on there, keep people up-to-date on progress and stuff with new chapters. Or you'll just get spammed with memes. XD

Either way, thank you so much for reading! :D

Until next time~!