"Will you tell your dead wife to leave me alone?" Olivia groaned.
He wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry. He'd have to ask for clarification on that later, but he was struggling to keep from sobbing like an idiot. His relief was all consuming.
He stood and cupped her face with his large palm. She leaned into his touch, before turning and placing a kiss onto the center of his palm. He couldn't resist leaning in to kiss her lips softly. When he pulled back she seem disoriented. Her eyes darted around. "Wait." Her voice sounded weak and unsure. "How are you here?" She glanced around again, "Bell's gonna have your ass if she sees you here!"
Elliot opened his mouth to explain, but her face crumbled and she gasped…the pain had caught up to her, and it was bad.
He felt helpless watching her curl up into herself. His mind raced frantically. Painkillers. She needed painkillers, but then he remembered Fin told him not to let them give her any. He trusted Fin. He knew her better than anyone, but God, he couldn't watch her hurting like this.
He held her hand and tried talking to distract her, but nothing helped.
Her hand remained gripped to his when Amanda texted.
A: How is she?
E: She's awake
A: Thank god
A: Noah wants to see her
E: Probably not a good idea. Her pain is off the charts. Doctors want her to start a morphine drip.
A: Don't do it
E: You aren't here. Fin told me not to let them give her opiates too. But this is bad.
A: I promise you it will be way worse if you let them give her morphine. Please trust us on this.
E: Okay.
Watching her deep breathing through the non stop pain caused real physical pain rip through his own body. Right then he wished he was the type of person who would demand pain meds for her own good. But he would never take that choice away from her. If this is what she wanted then he'd suffer through it with her.
"Please Liv." His voice cracked. "Just a little to take the edge off." She shook her head, and he wanted to cry, "I can't watch you hurt like this. Please," he begged.
Her eyes were pinched shut, but she tried to explain, "I can't," the words sort of rushed out of her like an elongated exhale.
He wasn't sure how "with it" she was because she suddenly spilled a piece of information that hit him like a gut punch.
"Flashbacks," she took a slow deliberate breath and swallowed. Her eyes pinched shut again. "I can't. I can't go back." The words came out in a breathy rush. "Opiates," she swallowed deeply, "take me back, and…I can't go back I can't."
Elliot had no idea what the hell she was talking about, but God he'd do anything to spare her from this.
She gulped again, trying to swallow back the stabbing pain. "Lewis," she spit out. The words abducted, tortured, and drugged echoed through his soul. He felt like he was living in a nightmare that he couldn't wake from. Maybe he deserved it, but Liv didn't deserve any of it. He felt like he was burning in hell and he dragged her with him. They were burning and fair or not, they were burning together.
-000-
If she thought the floating feeling was bad, this was worse. Much worse. At least Kathy was gone. That had begun to be more than a little unnerving.
She couldn't revel in that victory though because pain ripped through her with every breath. She knew Elliot was borderline frantic. Somewhere outside of the pain she could hear him begging her to take the painkillers, but even the thought of it sent her heart racing with fear. She tried to choke out at least a disjointed explanation, but she wasn't sure any of it made sense. She wished she told him sooner. The bare explanation was probably terrifying, but the full story was worse.
Whatever she managed to communicate kept him from begging her to take pain killers, but the look on his face was soul crushing. She wasn't sure he ever looked so helpless or afraid. He was Elliot. He wasn't afraid of anything.
Tears threatened to fall when she realized that Elliot was afraid of something. Something she suspected he'd been afraid of for a long time. Something that sent him running time and time again. She was certain there was only one thing that made him truly afraid. Losing her.
The pain became unrelenting, and she wasn't certain how she'd ever sleep again. Elliot continued to watch her, barely blinking. A knock on the door temporarily distracted her, but her mind immediately drifted back to her shattered ribs.
The doctor stepped just inside the door and left it open. "Can I speak with you in the hall for a moment," his question was obviously directed toward Elliot.
"Uh," he hesitated. His eyes darted back to her, and she tried to give him a reassuring look, but her clenched jaw weakened its effect.
She knew he wouldn't leave without her permission. "Go," she whispered.
He still hesitated so she pulled her hand away. He stood, but his eyes remained on her, like if he left she would dematerialize in his absence. She nodded.
He finally pulled his eyes away from her, and followed the doctor into the hall.
-000-
Elliot stood nervously in the hall. He couldn't stop himself from glancing back at the door. He didn't want to spend a minute away from her.
The doctor's voice felt far away, but he consciously honed his focus so he could understand what he was saying.
"We can't push painkillers on anyone. It's unethical, and dangerous for addicts, but," the doctor sighed. "Pain creates tension in the body and it can interfere with healing. Her body suffered significant damage. We had to remove a part of a vital organ. This level of pain," he shook his head. "I need you to try and convince her to allow at least a minimal amount of medication."
"I already tried," Elliot explained. "Several times actually, but she's adamant."
The doctor nodded in understanding. "I reviewed her medical history. I read about the abduction, the burning and drugging. I understand the strength of PTSD and flashbacks."
Elliot wanted to throw up.
"But I'm going to have to sedate her if we can't get her pain or her response to it, under control. I'm not asking you to force her. I'm asking you to try one more time. This is what she needs, and we can always back off if she becomes too triggered."
Elliot sighed. He didn't want to make her do something she didn't want to do, something she was scared of, something that might break her, but he couldn't let her suffer. He couldn't let her hurt herself more by interfering with her own healing. "I'll try one more time, but if she says no, I'm not asking again." He kept his eyes on the doctor, making sure he understood that he was serious.
"Thank you, that's all I'm asking."
Elliot nodded and opened the door. He wasn't sure what he could say to convince her, and he really didn't want to push. She knew herself and she knew her body, and she was saying no.
When he entered the room he watched her chest rising and falling with a deliberate steadied effort. Sweat dripped from her forehead as she worked her mind through the pain. The entire scene broke his heart.
He approached her bed slowly and lifted her hand to his lips. Her eyes opened but she seemed far away. She took another slow breath and asked, "What's happening?" She swallowed and he was certain her throat must be dry. He found a cup and filled it with water. She sipped slowly, and her brown eyes remained fixed in his direction. She was waiting for an answer to her question.
He sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "The doctor wants you to reconsider stronger pain medications."
She shook her head before he finished the sentence.
"I know. I told him that, but he told me that the pain will interfere with your healing and he might have to sedate you again if we can't get it under control."
Tears filled her eyes, and he knew she was torn. The pain was excruciating, so the flashbacks must be damn near terrifying if she refused to risk it.
He scooted a little closer so he could lay his hand on her thigh. He brought his other hand to her sweat glistening face. "Please," he felt his voice crack, "Liv, I'll be here the whole time. I…I won't let you go there. I'll keep you here with me, but you need to let them try. We can always stop treatment if it becomes too much, but I think.." he hated begging her for this, for her to change her mind, "I think you should try."
Her eyes watered, and he couldn't keep back his own emotion. He hated watching her hurt so much. Her voice came out shaky and unsteady. "Don't leave me." She took another breath and added, "Okay."
Elliot felt his entire body sink with relief. He leaned in and kissed her lips softly. "Thank you." He swallowed back more tears. "Thank you."
-000-
The junky feeling in her limbs was what triggered the memories. The world moved in a sticky syrupy slow motion. The pain had become manageable, and her body fully relaxed. But that feeling. It triggered anxiety she hadn't experienced in years. She felt herself drifting, the world began to close in and she knew in a moment she'd be there.
But then there was a voice, a comforting one, one she loved, whispering in her ear.
"Stay with me baby. I have you. Listen to me. I've got you." The sound of his voice tethered her to some level of reality.
When another wave of anxiety came crashing down she felt his arms tighten as he spoke soothing words in her ear. "I have you Olivia. I have you." His lips brushed her cheek. "I'm here. I'm not leaving. I'm here."
Her anxiety peaked with her level of exhaustion. She knew she couldn't stay awake much longer, but she didn't know what horrors her subconscious might bring. But his voice was there again. "Liv, baby. Go to sleep. I'll keep watch. I won't let you drift too far. His arms gave her a light squeeze. I got you." Her last conscious memory was his lips sweeping across her jaw, "I love you." Those words echoed through her mind as she finally drifted off to sleep.