Thanksgiving morning Santana woke up with a headache. It had been a while since she had one this bad, or which lasted this long. She'd had a headache the night before as well, and no amount of advil seemed to be helping. Why she had a headache wasn't a mystery though, it was exactly the kind of headaches she used to get when on tour. A stress headache. And just her luck, today was the absolute worst day to have one. Her parents and Brittany's parents would be showing up in a few hours, and she had an elaborate dinner to prepare. The good news was that she and Brittany had at least been smart enough to recognise that they would not have the energy to cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner by themselves. So all Santana had to do was oversee the chef.
She found Brittany already in the kitchen, picking stuff out of the fridge.
"Couldn't sleep?" Santana asked her, taking a seat at the island.
"I'm too excited." Brittany turned to her, grinning, but it dropped quickly. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"I have a headache."
"Oh." Brittany pouted sympathetically and walked over. "Still?"
"Yeah." Santana gave a small nod. She closed her eyes as her head pulsed.
"I'm sorry love. What…Is there anything I can do?"
"Actually." Santana opened her eyes. "Yeah. A cold compress used to work pretty well."
"Okay." Brittany spun around, pulling a cloth from a drawer. "Do you want ice, or should I just wet it?"
"Just wet it."
Brittany nodded and walked to the sink. Holding the cloth under the tap she craned her neck back to look at Santana.
"Maybe it's a sign you need to slow down."
"Nothing I can do about it." Santana mumbled, now rubbing her temples. "I have a deadline to meet."
"That deadline was so unresonable." Brittany said, switching off the tap aggressively. "You just came back and they're already running you ragged."
"Well…" Santana sighed, shutting her eyes again. "I signed the contract so…"
"Here" Brittany walked to her with the wet cloth. "Come lie down on the couch."
Santana followed Brittany to the living room and spread herself across the couch. Brittany handed her a pillow, which she secured under her neck to keep her comfortable.
"Close your eyes."
Santana did so diligently. Seconds later, the cold cloth was being gently placed over her eyes. She let out a long breath.
"Too cold?"
"No. It's good." Santana pressed it down gently. "It's good. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"I hope this damn headache is gone by the time the chef shows up."
"I can handle that."
Santana tried to open her eyes before remembering that she couldn't. She raised her eyebrows instead.
"Really?"
"Why not?" She imagined Brittany shrugging and smiled.
"Are you going to remember everything that needs to get done?"
Brittany was silent. Santana giggled.
"I can….just…write me a list."
"Okay babe." Santana laughed. "Get me a pen and paper.
Santana woke up feeling the cloth being slowly lifted from her eyes. She cracked one eye open to see who it was.
"Oh hi Mijo."
"Hi" Kyler whispered. "Sorry for waking you up."
"It's okay." Santana yawned. She hadn't even realised she'd fallen asleep. She went to stretch, but found her arm trapped. Looking down, she saw Sophia cuddled into her side, using Santana's arm as a pillow. She smiled.
"She said if you could sleep she should be allowed too."
Santana giggled. "She's not wrong."
"Mama told me to bring you another cloth." He held up a cloth. "She told me how to put it."
"Actually…" Santana smiled, realising that her head wasn't hurting anymore. "I'm all better."
"So you don't need it?"
"Nope."
"Okay." Kyler grinned. "If you're awake now, can I put on the tv?"
"What about Sophia?"
"She should wake up anyway." Kyler said, waving his hand.
"Ky"
"Mami quiero ponerme el sports channel for the pre game an-"
"Analysis right." Santana yawned again. She looked down at Sophia, gently running her fingers through her hair. "Okay, but keep the volume low."
"Yes! Okay." He snatched the remote from the table, kneeling on the floor as he switched on the tv.
"Hey Llévalos a la cocina, you're making my carpet wet!"
Kyler looked down at the two cloths, which he'd dropped onto the carpet and quickly picked them up.
"Sorry." He said sheepishly, before running out of the living room to put them in the kitchen.
"Didn't I tell you not to turn it on? Your mum isn't feeling well Kyler."
Santana lifted her head, turning it back as much as she could. Brittany was standing in front of the kitchen island, hands on her hips and frowning at Kyler.
"Mami's awake." He pointed at Santana. Brittany's eyes flicked to her. Santana smiled.
"How are you feeling?" Brittany asked, walking forward.
"The headache is gone. Honestly I don't know why I even bother with the Advil."
Kyler jumped down onto the couch, making Sophia jump and look up.
"Kyler!" Santana snapped, rubbing Sophia's back.
"Sorry." He said, barely looking at her. His attention was fixed on the tv.
Shaking her head, Santana looked down at Sophia. "Sorry mija."
"S'okay."
"Did you have a nice nap?" Brittany giggled.
Sophia nodded.
"What time is it?" Santana asked.
"Just past nine." Brittany told her.
"Shi-sugar." Both Sophia and Kyler turned to smirk at her. "What I didn't say it."
Kyler shook his head, turning back to the tv.
"I think we should get a swear jar mama." Sophia said, siting up.
"I think that's a great idea." Brittany said. "Then your potty mouth mami will finally learn her lesson."
"I didn't say it!" Santana sat up as well, stretching her back. "Where is the little monster anyway?"
"With his partner in crime." Brittany pointed out to the backyard. "Jesús is teaching him how to jump onto the basketball ring."
"Oh great." Santana scoffed. "As if what he needs is to be even higher off the ground."
"He just broke his hand too." Sophia said. "If I were you I'd sell the trampoline."
"You're only saying that cause you don't use it." Kyler said, frowning but not turning to look at her. "He jumps off the couches, should we sell those too?"
"That's not the same thing." Sophia rolled her eyes.
"He should be fine." Brittany interrupted their argument. "I've been watching them."
"Besides, we only ever really need to worry when he's playing by himself." Santana said.
"Mrs Lopierce?"
Santana and Brittany both turned to see who'd called them. There was a lady dressed in a white coat, black pants and the iconic chef's hat.
"Yes?" Brittany asked.
"You asked to taste the marinade? It's ready."
"Oh." Brittany nodded. She looked back at Santana. "I'll be right back."
"Can I taste too." Sophia stood up.
"Course. Come on." Brittany beckoned her to the kitchen.
Her phone vibrating got Santana's attention. She found it wedged between the two cushion. It must have fallen out of her pocket while she was sleeping. One glance at the caller ID and Santana nearly threw her phone across the room. Taking a deep calming breath, she ignored the call facing forward, settling back against the cushions and turning her attention to the tv.
"So how's it looking Ky?"
Their parents showed up at half past ten.
Santana and Brittany watched their kids run out the front door, practically dragging their parents out of their cars.
"I think my dad might finally be getting too old for this." Brittany laughed, watching as Pierce tried to lift Jesús over his head while Kyler and Mateo attacked his legs.
"Don't let him hear you say that." Santana said. "He might try to prove you wrong."
Sophia had tucked herself under Santana's mother's armpit, grinning happily as Maribel told her how gorgeous she'd gotten.
"My dears." Susan approached them with her arms wide open. "Happy Thanksgiving." She pulled them both into a hug. "Oh it's good to see you."
"It's good to see you too mum." Brittany said as they pulled back. "How was your flight?"
"No issues. It was nice and smooth."
"Girls!" Stephen walked up to them, beaming. "Happy Thanksgiving!"
"Happy Thanksgiving dad." Santana chuckled, as her dad bear hugged Brittany. It never ceased to amaze her how much her dad had changed. He had really embraced the role of grandfather after their first trip back to Lima for the glee reunion, and now he was always so energetic, almost like Pierce.
"Come on Poppy, l'll show you." Mateo grabbed Pierce's hand, attempting to drag him into the house.
Pierce dug his heels in as they passed Santana and Brittany.
"Hold on there little man. Let me say hi to my daughter first."
"You're daughter?" Mateo laughed. "You're too old to have a daughter."
Everyone burst out laughing.
"What do you mean?" Jesús asked.
"Poppy can't have a daughter."
"I'll have you know I have two daughters." Pierce said, holding up two fingers.
"Who?" Mateo asked, frowning.
"Me." Brittany laughed.
"And Tia Ashley." Santana said.
"What? No!"
"Yes."
"But you're my mum."
"Your mum is my daughter kiddo."
"But you can't." Mateo said, looking between Pierce and Brittany. "She's a grown up."
"Grown ups have mums and dads too." Sophia told him, shaking her head.
Mateo frowned, so cutely confused it made Santana's stop laughing.
"Come here." When Mateo walked to her she picked him up and settled him on her hip. "I'm your mum right?"
"Yeah?"
"And when you grow up, I'll still be your mum, right?"
Mateo's eyes widened. "Yeah!"
"Exactly." She grinned, kissing his cheek. "So me and mama just grew up."
He turned to her, cupping her ear and whispering loudly.
"Who's your mummy and daddy?"
"Abuela and abuelo." She whispered back.
He bit his lip and turned to Susan.
"Then who are you?"
Sophia, Jesús and Kyler could hardly stand, they were laughing so hard.
"Mama's mummy Niki, what's wrong with you?" Kyler asked, clutching his stomach.
"Hey." Brittany said gently, shaking her head at Kyler.
"Ooooh." Mateo said, then giggling, he jumped down from Santana's arms. "Okay. Say hi to your daughter quickly then Poppy so I can show you what Jesús taught me." With that, he ran into the house.
"Well okay then." Pierce laughed.
"He is just too adorable mija." Maribel said, hugging Santana as Pierce hugged Brittany. "Can't even imagine his mums needing parents."
"Yeah I can promise there's going to be a lot more questions about that ma." Her mother kissed her cheek.
"I will answer them all gladly."
"Let's go inside please abuela." Sophia said, returning to Maribel's side.
"Yes dear."
Sophia took Maribel's hand and led her into the house.
"What is it with that girl and taming the most untamable?" Santana asked, watching them go.
Brittany laughed.
"She's the boss. You said it yourself, blame Noah."
It was a fantastic day. Usually after spending the whole day with their families, Santana was irritated after just a few hours, but today she didn't want the day to end. They all watched the game together, Pierce, Brittany, Kyler and Jesús screaming at the screen, her and Sophia cuddled up under a blanket and sharing a bowl of nachos, her mother on the floor with Mateo, whispering to each other and her father trying valiantly to keep up with the game. Santana couldn't remember enjoying herself more. When dinner was finally ready, they all sat around the dining table and took turns saying what they were grateful.
"If you'll all let me be a bit emotional for a moment." Pierce said, standing up. "It has been the greatest pleasure of a lifetime, being a part of this family." He smiled at each of the kids and then looked at Susan. "Suzy," he smiled. "I love you."
"I love you too honey." Susan said.
"Marrying you was the best decision I ever made. Not only did I get to spend the rest of my life with you, but then you gave me our two beautiful girls." He turned to Brittany. "Britt-Bee. You brought more love into my life than I ever thought possible. It's been an honor being your dad."
"Aw dad." Brittany clutched her hands to her heart. "We're the ones lucky to have you."
"Well…" He smiled. "Then one day, we got another amazing little girl." He pointed at Santana. Santana felt herself blush. "Brittany showed up with this fiery young girl one day, and…well…we can't say our lives have been the same since can we Suzy?"
"Nope" Susan chuckled.
"Santana, I am thankful for you in more ways than you can know. As a parent, you spend a lot of time worrying about your kids, as I'm sure you know." Brittany and Santana nodded. "You worry about them being out in the world, and the people they let into their lives, and ultimately, you're worried about who they will give their heart to. We never had to worry about that with Brittany. Once you came into her life, I knew she would be safe. One day you will know what a gift it is to be able to trust someone with your child's heart." He glanced at the kids. "Maybe then you will finally understand how much we love you."
Santana pressed her lips together, feeling her throat tighten and emotions swell in her chest. All she could do was nod.
"And then!" He clapped, breaking the emotional atmosphere. "We got these four little critters." He pointed at each of the kids and grinned. "And they're kind of smelly but we love them anyway."
"Hey!"
"Poppy!
"Just kidding." He laughed. Everyone else at the table joined him. "My point is, I am thankful for this family, and every single one of you, for the love, laughter and happiness that you bring into my life every day."
"We love you too dad." Brittany said.
Santana again couldn't bring herself to speak, so she stood up, walked round the table and hugged Pierce.
"I love you too."
Jesús, followed her, hugging Pierce's side, then the other three kids scrambled to find a part of Pierce to hug. Santana felt Brittany press up behind her, wrapping her hands around Santana's waist.
"Happy Thanksgiving ." Mateo yelled.
"Happy Thanksgiving." They all echoed.
After dinner, when they were all too full to think, they moved outside to the backyard. Brittany and Santana gave everyone blankets, the adults drank wine and watched the kids and Pierce and to Santana's great surprise, her mother, play tag in the grass. Santana was sitting beside her father, the two of them sharing a blanket.
"So I hear you are taking a trip in a few days."
"Oh yeah?" Santana chuckled. "Did you hear that from Kyler?"
"Something about a football game." Stephen laughed.
Santana sighed, watching Kyler dodge Pierce.
"I don't know papi. I don't know what to do."
"¿Acerca de mija?"
"I'm back at work now. And we planned that trip before."
"Oh." Stephen nodded. "I understand too well. There's a conflict isn't there?"
"Not exactly….It's just…I have a deadline." Santana looked at her father. "I have to get all the songs done by a certain time."
"Uhuh."
"And…my music director pointed out to me the other day, that I keep taking time off like we even have that time to waste."
"So you're thinking about not going to watch the football game?"
"Yeah. I mean." She turned her body to face Stephen better. "I mean I'm not saying he can't go. He'll get to watch the game, and have a blast."
"But you won't be there."
Santana shook her head. "It sucks." She admitted. "It really sucks. Cause I was looking forward to going and having a few days to just…be with my kids you know?" Stephen nodded. "He's never been to a game this big before, and I wanted to be there to see him experience it. But…" She sighed. "If I want this album to be the comeback I need it to be. If I want to have the career I always dreamed of, papi, don't I have to make sacrifices?"
"Yes." Stephen answered. "Yes it's true, success comes with sacrifices."
Santana licked her lips, turning back to look at Kyler.
"He'll be okay without me."
"You know." Stephen turned to face Santana, taking her hands. "That's what I told myself too."
Santana's head snapped to the side, her eyes wide. "What?"
"Every time I worked late, every time I booked a flight out of town, I told myself you would be okay without me."
Santana's heart dropped. She felt tears spring to her eyes.
"Mija I am not saying that in choosing not to go to this game you will be behaving like I did. I put you second for years, and if you don't go to Tampa Kyler really will be okay. I am just saying that, it is a dangerous line to straddle. It becomes easier and easier to choose work over your family and eventually, they adapt to your absence. The pain you feel now? It's proof that you are still doing right by your kids, and choosing work once won't change that. I just want you to think about the choice you are making."
Santana hung her head, her whole body suddenly feeling heavy.
"You're saying I can't have it all."
"I'm saying…" Stephen sighed. "I'm saying, ask yourself what it is you really want." Stephen turned back to the kids and smiled. "You know, today when Pierce was talking, I felt so ashamed."
"Ashamed?" Santana asked, shocked. "Why would you be ashamed?"
"You don't know this, but when you first became friends with Brittany….or I guess I should say when your mother and I found out you were friends with Brittany." He chuckled. "It was a wakeup call for your mother. I don't know if you remember, but she started asking you a lot of questions about where you were going and who you'd be with…"
"Yeah I remember." Santana laughed. "We fought so much."
"Yes. I don't think the doors of our house will ever recover." He laughed. "Anyway she was worried that you had found another family in the Pierce's, which you had."
"I guess…" Santana said guiltily.
"And she was frantically trying to pull you closer."
"I didn't know that."
"Well she wouldn't tell you would she. Eventually, I asked her what was so wrong with you having a friend that makes you happy? I asked her to let it go and leave you alone. I wanted the fighting to stop and I knew it would just push you further away."
"Yeah I was already spending as little time as possible at home so I didn't have to see mami."
"Yeah. But see, your mother knew then, what I only learned when you came back to Lima for the first time since moving to New York."
"What?" Santana asked curiously.
"That you had built a life without us. That we missed your entire life, and I realised that since you had grown up without me, I was going to miss your future. You didn't need me."
"I wanted you though."
Stephen smiled. "And I am grateful that I woke up, even if I was late, and fixed it."
"Me too papi." Santana shuffled closer to him, hugging him and laying her head on his chest. "I'm glad I have you in my life."
"I don't know what you should do mija." Stephen said, placing a kiss on her head. "But I do know, as a man who chased his career dream ambitiously till the very end, and got it, that if the sacrifice includes your family, it's not worth it."
Mateo and Kyler managed to convince everyone to sleep over. After dessert, they made some popcorn, took the remaining snacks into the living room and put on a movie. All the kids fell asleep together on the floor at some point during the third movie, and at close to three in morning the adults decided to call it a night as well. Santana and Brittany changed the sheets in Sophia and Mateo's room so their parents could sleep there, kissed their kids goodnight and went to bed.
"Today was amazing." Brittany said as she walked out of the bathroom.
"It really was. And your dad's speech….?"
"I wonder where that came from." Brittany climbed into bed next to Santana. "That was really sweet."
"Yeah. He almost made me cry."
"You know what I'm grateful for?"
"Beside what you said at dinner?" Santana chuckled.
"Your relationship with your parents."
Santana stopped braiding her hair and looked at Brittany.
"What do you mean?"
"I always hoped you'd fix it with them. I know it made you sad, and you were really lonely growing up, and when we had kids I know it was hard not having them be the grandparents you wanted."
"Yeah."
"So I am thankful, that our family is whole." Brittany kissed Santana's cheek.
"Me too." Santana said honestly. She wouldn't have admitted it when she was a teenager, but she had always wanted a relationship with her parents like Brittany had with hers, and now she did.
"By the way, did Quinn text you?"
"No about what?" Santana resumed braiding her hair.
"She wants to have a friends-giving type thing tomorrow."
"Oh cool, they'll be back?"
"Yeah they'll be back tonight. She said it wasn't right for our chosen family to not have a Thanksgiving together."
"Will Noah be here?"
"I guess." Brittany shrugged. "Can you go?"
"Well yeah I took today and tomorrow off so it's fine."
"Great." Brittany kissed her cheek again.
"Uh babe…actually…I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Mmh?" Brittany looked at her expectantly.
"You know how you were saying the deadline they gave me for the album was crazy."
"Yeah." Brittany scowled. "I don't know how Emma let that happen."
"I told her to let it go. We'd been discussing the contract for so long, I just wanted to get it over with."
"Oh." Brittany frowned. "Okay?"
"Well…how serious were you about, taking on more with the kids and at home so I can focus on that?"
"Very." Brittany said seriously. "I've already talked to Syth about teaching less classes. I'm not taking any more showcases or music videos or anything demanding like that."
"Okay." Santana nodded. "So…if I couldn't make it for the trip next week…"
Brittany's eyes widened. She sat up straighter. "You mean Tampa?"
"Yeah…"
"You can't come to the game?"
"I want to." Santana said. "I really want to, and I'm not saying I'm not coming. But I have to figure out how I'm going to finish this album or else I'll be in real trouble. And I'm worried that if I come, I'll spend the whole time stressing about how little work I'm getting done and I won't even be able to enjoy it. And worse, what if I mess up the experience for Ky too? What if he remembers that his mother didn't care or was out of it for his first big football game?"
"Okay stop." Brittany said. She cupped Santana's cheek, forcing her to look into her eyes. "Baby, you take too much onto your shoulders." Her thumb brushed over Santana's cheek and Santana realised she was crying.
"I just don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to go on the trip and then end up fucked with the label. But I don't want to stay back and wind up missing our kids' lives."
Brittany nodded. "I get it, but Santana you do so much for us. We all know that if you could, you would be there, and that's what matters. You're not abandoning your family, and honestly, I see what you're saying. With the kind of timeline you're working with, it would be nice to go on this trip, but it doesn't make sense."
Santana shook her head.
"You're just saying that to make me feel better."
"I'm not." Brittany said firmly. "Over the last few years you've been holding down the fort while I work. When I travelled for the convention you didn't make me feel like I was choosing work over the family. How is this any different?"
Santana sighed, wiping the fresh tears from her cheeks. "He's going to be so disappointed."
"Yeah, but he'll be okay, and he can come back and tell you every second in detail. And I'll take lots of pictures and videos…Santana."
Santana looked at Brittany, swallowing hard.
"It's okay. We want this album to be awesome. You have to stay."
Santana couldn't stop her tears, as hard as she tried. Brittany was saying what she'd been thinking, and what Malek had told her, but Santana couldn't help feeling awful about it.
"Come here baby" Brittany pulled Santana into her chest. "Don't cry please?"
"I hate this." Santana croaked. "It's not supposed to be like this."
"We're adjusting." Brittany told her softly. "We thought it was just Niki but both of us…all of us, need to get used to you being back at work. You're used to being there 24/7 so of course this is impossible for you. But babe I promise, I promise." She held Santana tighter. "I promise it's okay."
Santana let Brittany hold her. Maybe tomorrow she'd feel better about this decision, but in this moment she couldn't help feeling like the worst mother in the world. Maybe her dad was right. If feeling like this was the price of having the career of her dreams, Santana wasn't sure it was worth it.
The day before everyone was set to leave, Santana and Brittany picked Jesús from school just before lunch for his doctor's appointment. They had explained to him about ADHD medication and how it might be something that could help him, so now he was anxiously sitting in the waiting room, waiting to be called in by the doctor.
They'd gone through this process before when Jesús was four, but since he was so young the doctor had only been able to tell them that he likely had ADHD, but a definitive diagnosis wouldn't be possible until he was older. They had been treating him like he did have ADHD, changing his diet, limiting sugar, getting him involved in extra-curricular activities that gave him structure and taught him discipline while allowing him to get out his energy, like dance and football, and working with the school to develop a lesson plan that was geared towards his strengths, so that he didn't struggle too much in class.
But over the last few months he'd gotten worse. So it was time to get that diagnosis and get him some real help.
"Lopez-Pierce, Jesús?" The receptionist called out. Jesús bit his lip, turning to look at Santana.
"Don't worry mijo." She stood up. "Here." She called. The receptionist smiled at them.
"You can go in now."
Brittany stood up, taking Jesús' hand, and leading him into the room.
Dr. Abiye was sitting behind a desk, typing quickly on his computer. When they walked in he looked up and smiled.
"Good afternoon." He said jovially. "Please have a seat, I'll just be a second."
Brittany, Santana and Jesús sat on the couch, Jesús between both of them, still gripping Brittany's hand tight.
"How are you today?" Dr. Abiye asked.
"We're good thanks." Brittany said. She glanced at Jesús. "Maybe a little nervous."
The doctor stood up.
"No need to be nervous. We've been through this before Jesús, but you won't remember that."
Jesús shook his head.
"Did your mothers explain what we're going to be doing today?" He sat on the chair opposite them.
"Um…" Jesús looked at Brittany. "Yeah, a little."
"What did they say?"
"That you'll test me for ADHD and see how you can help me."
"Did they tell you what kind of tests we'll be doing?"
Jesús shook his head.
"Okay. Well first I want to talk to you and your mothers, to get to know you a little bit. I'll ask a lot of questions, like what your day usually looks like and stuff like that, okay?"
"Okay."
"And then we'll do the tests. I'll have you answer a few questionnaires…" He paused. "Do you know what a questionnaire is?"
"No."
The doctor chuckled. "Right. It's like an exam, with multiple choice answers. All you have to do is pick the answer that you think describes you the best."
"Okay."
"There will be a few tests like that, because I want to know as much about how you think and how your brain works as I can."
"So you can help me?"
"Exactly. Is that okay?"
Jesús looked at Brittany again.
"It's okay love." She cupped his cheek. "Your mum and I are going to be here the whole time."
"And the tests aren't hard. It's not an actual exam. There are no wrong answers."
Jesús took a deep breath. "Okay."
It was a long day for all of them. The initial interview took over an hour, and then Dr. Abiye let Jesús go play in the playground behind his office while he continued to talk to Santana and Brittany. They went through the checklists and feedback forms he had emailed them to share with Jesús' teachers and anyone else that interacted with Jesús regularly. When that was done Jesús started the tests. There was the standard ADHD rating scale, with questions like 'you find it hard to sit still for very long', only this one was six pages long. Then he had to do an intelligence test, a broad-spectrum test, which the doctor said would help him rule out or identify if Jesús also had a mood disorder or had another learning disorder. To give Jesús a break from the written tests, Dr. Abie went outside with him to test his language development, vocabulary, memory recall and motor skills. By the time they were done with that it was nearly five o'clock.
Santana and Brittany watched Jesús throwing a ball with the doctor while answering questions.
"It didn't take this long last time." Santana said.
"He was four last time. He couldn't exactly do all the written tests could he?"
"I guess not."
"It takes a while, I told you."
"You had to go through all this?"
"Yeah." Brittany nodded. "And mine was not this fun, cause I was a teenager."
Santana moved her hand to Brittany's thigh and rubbed it gently.
"Sorry baby."
Brittany shrugged. "It's fine. I was just glad there might be a reason I was so different." Brittany took Santana's hand in hers. "Jesús won't mind either."
"But we've been here half the day, he must be tired. Should we go home and come back another day?"
"No. By the time we get a new appointment you'll already be on tour."
"Yeah." Santana sighed, pulling her hand away crossing her arms over her chest. Once again, she was having to make decisions about her kids based on her work. She was really beginning to feel like a crappy mother.
"Santana-"
"Leave it." Santana shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it now."
Jesús and Dr. Abiye came back before Brittany could respond.
"Well memory is not a problem." The doctor said as he took his seat behind his desk. He began to type quickly. "Definitely a photographic memory."
"Told you." Jesús grinned. He fit himself between Santana and Brittany again.
"Well we just have one more thing to do, are you up for it?"
"Yeah." Jesús nodded. "Then can I eat?"
"Yes." Brittany told him. "We're going to Elise for dinner today."
"Cool." Jesús nodded. "What's the last thing?"
"We're going to be working on my computer. Come here." He beckoned Jesús to his desk and sat him in his chair. "Here's what you need to do. You're going to hear or see either number one or number two. If you hear or see number one, click this button here." Pointed at the bottom of the screen. "If you hear or see number two, don't click anything."
"That's easy."
"It is." The doctor grinned. "Don't stop until I tell you to okay?"
"Okay."
"No talking either. You need to focus."
"Okay."
"Alright." Dr. Abiye clicked the mouse and stood up straight. "Start."
He left Jesús at his desk and returned to the couch in front of Brittany and Santana.
"What is the point of this one?" Santana asked.
"It will test his ability to stay focused and his impulsivity. Like he said, it's a very easy task, but since it's so repetitive after a few minutes he will get bored. I want to see how long it takes him to reach that point, and then how difficult it will be for him to remain on task without zoning out or becoming restless. As for impulsivity, it will test how well he is able to refrain from clicking the button when he hears two."
"Oh I see. So how will you know how long it takes him to zone out?" Brittany asked. "Are you timing him?"
"No. The computer will be able to tell. At the start most patients make no errors, they click the button when they are supposed to and get it right every time. When he loses focus, he will start making mistakes. He'll forget to click the one, or he'll accidentally click the two, or there will be a lull where for a few minutes he won't click anything because he's daydreaming."
"Mmhh" Santana nodded. "Okay."
"After this, we will do one that's a bit more fun. I'll ask him to play PAC-MAN while I play a series of videos on my phone just off to the side. That'll tell me how easy it is to distract him."
It took a total of seven hours. By the end of it Jesús was so tired he'd laid his head on Brittany's lap without saying a word and closed his eyes. Brittany gently combed her fingers through his hair as Dr. Abiye went through the results f the computer tests. Every so often he would nod, or whisper something to himself and type furiously on the keyboard.
"Okay." He said, looking at them for the first time in twenty minutes. "I can officially diagnose Jesús now, with combined ADHD. This is the most common one-"
"It's the one I have." Brittany said, resting her hand on Jesús' head.
"But Jesús' is severe, particularly in impulsivity, inattention and distractibility."
Jesús sat up. "So can you help me?"
"Of course." Dr. Abiye said. "That's what we're here for right?" He grinned. "Next week, I will email you a list of reccommendations for school. You will need to give it to his teachers, and I suggest, meeting with them and the guidance councilor or therapist if they have one, in person to go through it in case they have questions."
"Okay." Brittany and Santana nodded.
"Then, I would like to work with Jesús twice a week for about four months, to help him develop tools to maintain focus and gain better control of his impulsivity."
"That's his temper?" Santana asked.
"Not exclusively, but yes. It relates to interrupting people, being unable to wait his turn, and yes, aggression."
"Okay, when would you want to start? He'll be gone for all of January-"
The doctor shook his head. "My schedule only opens up in February, so we will meet then and work out the appointments."
"Okay." Brittany said, rubbing Jesús' back. "Do you have any questions buddy?"
"You said..." He looked at Dr. Abiye. "My mum said you might give me some medicine…"
"Yes." He nodded. "I think medication will be necessary, at least for now, but it will not be the final solution. The tools I will be teaching you during our sessions will ultimately allow you to go off the pills."
"So how long will he be on them for?" Santana asked.
"It's hard to say. It takes a while to get the dose right and only Jesús will be able to tell us when he's ready to go off them. For now let's focus on the moment. You said he's traveling in January?"
"Yes we'll be gone for the whole month."
"Okay, then when you come back, shoot me an email and tell me when you've picked up the prescription. I will want to see him three weeks after he starts taking it, to asses how he is adjusting and see if we need to alter the dose."
"Can't I start now?"
"No." The doctor said. "I will need to see you a lot when you first start. If you're gone for a month, it's better to wait for you to return."
Santana turned to Brittany, wondering whether she should leave Jesús behind while she went on tour. It was important for him to get the help he needed, so was it really right for her to delay his treatment.
"Maybe we can-"
"We'll see you in February." Brittany cut her off. Santana frowned but remained silent.
"Okay." Dr. Abiye stood up. "It was good to see you Jesús. I'll see you soon."
"Okay. Thank you for helping me."
"You don't have to thank me kiddo."
"Come on let's go eat." Brittany stood up.
Later that night, Santana and Brittany called all the kids into their room. Santana made them all cuddle up next to her, with Kyler squashed between her and Brittany. She kissed his head.
"So." She said. "Mama and I need to talk to you about tomorrow."
"I can still go right?" Kyler asked immediately.
"Yes." Brittany said. "You're still going, but mami can't make it."
Kyler turned to Santana eyes wide and full off sadness. Santana swallowed, trying not to get emotional.
"You're not coming?" He asked sadly. Santana shook her head.
"Why not?" Jesús asked. "Are you sick?"
"No-"
"Did you get in trouble with mama?" Mateo asked. Santana giggled despite herself.
"No love. I just…" She sighed. "I don't have the time."
Kyler frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Is it the album?" Jesús asked.
"Yeah. See I still have a few songs to write-"
"Why can't you write them when we get back?" Kyler asked, searching her face. She could see the desperation on his face, he was begging her, and Santana's heart was breaking.
"Let her finish baby." Brittany said, gently gripping his arm.
Santana took a deep breath.
"The album is coming out in April, which means I need to do promotional stuff, like interviews and all that, in March, which usually needs a few songs finished by then, so we can play teasers. So that means recording in February-"
"And we won't be here in January." Jesús said, pouting. "So you don't have time."
"I don't have time."
"But…" Kyler sat forward, turning so he was kneeling on his knees in front of them. "But we planned it…we said the whole family would go. We can't leave you."
"No it's okay." Santana said, trying not to sound depressed. "Mama will take lots of videos and pictures and you can tell me all about it when you get back."
"But it won't be the same" Sophia said, speaking for the first time.
Santana pressed her lips together, fighting the urge to cry. Sophia wasn't wrong, it wouldn't be the same and the sad look on all four kids' faces was enough for Santana to know that she'd disappointed them all. She hated it so much.
"No it won't." Brittany said. "And I know it feels really unfair that mami won't be there, but she still wants you to have a great time."
"Absolutely." Santana said, nodding seriously. "I don't want you to feel bad about having fun without me."
"But I'll miss you." Mateo said, crawling into Santana's lap.
"I'll miss you too mijo." Santana hugged him. "But it's just like when you went to Nashville with mama, or LA…I wasn't there but you had a great time."
"But this was a family trip." Sophia said. She was frowning hard, like she couldn't understand what was happening.
"I know…" Santana's voice cracked.
Brittany moved quickly, kneeling next to Kyler.
"Hey." She said, smiling. "Mami has to work. She has to make an awesome album that everyone will love. We don't want her songs to be bad do we?" The kids shook their heads. "And we're really proud of her aren't we?"
"Yeah." Jesús said.
"Yeah." The others parroted.
"So the best thing we can do for her, is to go and have a fantastic time, so she has lots and lots of videos to make her happy."
The kids exchanged a look that Santana wasn't really sure the meaning of, and then Sophia fit herself on Santana's lap next to Mateo.
"I'm gonna take a video at the end of every day and tell you everything that happened."
"I'm gonna call you every day." Jesús said.
"Me too." Mateo said, bouncing slightly. "And take pictures."
"Of everything. Like the hotel and the roads and the buildings-"
Santana giggled, feeling the tightness in her chest lighten as Jesús listed off all the things he was going to photograph. Her eyes caught Kyler's. He wasn't smiling.
"Ky…"
"I'm sorry."
"No, no." Santana moved Sophia and Mateo off her lap, got up on her knees and crawled to Kyler. She hugged him tight to her chest. "It's not your fault."
"I picked the game."
"No it's not your fault. It's just like how you didn't go to LA because you had responsibilities here."
Kyler pulled back and looked at her.
"But you stayed with me." A tear rolled down his cheek. "I should stay with you."
"No amor." Santana cupped his cheeks. "I want you to go and have the most amazing time. That will make me happier than anything."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm very sure. If you do that, it'll be like I'm right there with you." She wiped his tears.
"Okay." He chocked.
"Group hug." Brittany said, pulling the other kids in around Santana and Kyler.
Santana let herself relax into the moment. It had been painful to disappoint her kids like that for what she was pretty sure was the first time ever, but she'd gotten through it. They all had. Painful as it was, she felt for the first time like they actually would be okay. Like her dad said, the pain meant she was doing well enough as a mother for her to feel bad. All she had to do was make sure she didn't do it often enough for the pain to fade.
And she vowed to make it up to them.