"I Want More" (Live Acoustic) By: KALEO

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Time feels fickle as I walk through the cold New York streets yet my mind seems restless. The tears that seem to continue to run down feel like steam. The crowds of people cheering and singing.

"Happy New Year!"

"Happy New Year!"

I can't seem to focus on anything right now, as I sit down on a metal bench. Everything feels like an out of body experience. My mind keeps going in and out of focus as the sound of people running back and forth celebrating the holiday.

"Is this seat taken?"

It took me a few minutes to realize this man was talking to me, I looked over and immediately wiped my face.

Dark hair with the most beautiful maroon eyes I've ever seen. He was so tall wearing an oddly plaid zip jacket and pair of cargo pants that still had the tags on it, like he just pulled them off a sales rack a second before speaking to me.

"Uh sorry I didn't mean to disturb you, my leg is shot is all" he explains as I turn to see that he was clutching his thigh."Sprained ankle I mean."

"Oh, um. No." I huffed out taking in a sniffle as I moved to the other side of the bench "are you ok?" I stutter as he slumps down opening his phone to check the time.

"Yeah I'm fine I'm just waiting on my ride" he explains glancing over at me, quietly. "But are you ok? Looks like you're not doing too well either"

And I laugh a bit, "is it obvious?"

The man doesn't speak, he just stares at me. "So I take it you had a rough night?"

"Rough year." I admitted, attempting to hold back these stupid tears again. "What do you think is worse? To be the one who has to live with the memories? Or one that has to leave everyone behind?"

He doesn't speak but I wasn't really waiting for a reply either.

"I'm sorry, i don't mean to..." I explain trying to form the correct words, or find some better excuse to why I was acting so strange...but I had no extra brain power to come up with anything. "My dad just passed."

He froze almost like...as if it was his fault or something, and for a moment I think he also forgot how to breathe.

"how did he...?"

"Car accident" I answered "yesterday morning."

"I'm sorry to hear" the man says rubbing the back of his thumbs like he was forcing himself not to move.

"but...he was fighting cancer for a while now so maybe it's a good thing you know? Like...at-least he's not suffering anymore." I explain trying to make things not anymore awkward "I'm sorry... I really don't know why I'm telling you all of this,"

"I lost my girlfriend." He admitted and I turn to look at him. "So I know what grief feels like,"

There is a pause for a moment and I'm just enveloped in his aura.

"It's uh...it's not easy, to keep going even after our story closes." He explains "I would give anything to just...I wanna say it gets better but I'm still working on the better part."

Maybe it's the way he spoke that made me feel like I wanted to talk him off the ledge and I thought maybe talking about the good things might keep him from jumping over that mental barrier.

"What did you like about her?" I ask and he sits and ponders for a moment.

"Kind of a broad question" he replied "but if I had to pick only one thing I would have to say it was her heart. She was always way too nice" he trails off "this one time, she went to the farmers market for rock sugar and came out with a live blue crab and begged me to keep it as a pet"

And I laugh a bit as he rubs his eyes,

"Then you know she fucking named it and I couldn't even get rid of it after that"

"So what you're saying is you suck at saying no" I tease and he turns to look into my eyes.

"No" he corrects holding his finger up to me. "I can say no to her anytime I want. I just choose my battles wisely"

"Do you still have the crab?"

"Eh heh, is that suppose to be an insult?" He throws back "and yes, that little shit is still alive."

"Did she name it, Jimmy or something?" I laugh and he lowers his eyes at me in an almost disbelief. "Oh my god am I right? That's actually what I thought about naming a pet, well if I ever had one."

"What a coincidence..." he muttered I turn to stare at him for a brief second.

"How did she um...?"

"It's...complicated." He replies "she's not dead, if that's what you're assuming" but something about his demeanor makes me believe that...it's much worse than death, even when he's trying to make me feel less guilty.

"So a bad breakup?" I respond and to not feel like elaborating he just agreed. "Your fault or hers?"

"Mine" he replied almost quicker than I was expecting like he never had a chance to admit that. "It was all my fault."

"Do you regret it?"

He doesn't reply to that instead,

"I think...the one who lives with the memories is worse." He responded "to answer your question from before"

"If you could go back in time, would you...fix it?"

"Would you?..." he ask more bluntly turning to look at me "Knowing you are the reason for all the shitty things that happened in her life? And if all it takes is to disappear would you choose to go back and fix it? Just because you miss her?"

It was complicated, he was right. The silence hits between us.

"Yeah, I wouldn't either" he responds. Because that would be selfish and he wasn't selfish. If anything, it was a sacrifice for the better.

"It must be so hard for you," I empathized and he sighs.

"It's just a breakup"

"But...it's not, isn't it? There's..something more? It's much deeper?" I muttered off as he looks at me. Those maroon eyes seem to glimmer under the moonlight... "I feel like? I know you somehow? Like...maybe...

then his phone rings.

"Hey. Yeah, ok I'm on my way." He says before hanging up "My rides here. Happy New Year by the way" The man ends before standing up.

"I think if it was me, I would want you to fix it." I say "because life will always be complicated, there's never going to be one easy answer but if it makes you happy and she's happy...is it really that bad?"

There is silence again,

"That's the thing, baby." He says and for a moment I thought it was just a figure of speech. "If I only had to worry about your happiness I wouldn't care. But...sometimes love means I have to do things I'm not ok with. Sometimes love means that if I need to pick between you and me...and it will always be you,"

He turns to me for a second. "Just know, I do everything because I love you."

"I will always love you." He says slowly as I just stare at him in awe.

"What?" I muttered "I'm sorry do I...know you?"

Then I woke up in my room, gasping for air like everything was a bad dream but it can't be because today is the next day and my aunts and uncles breaks into my room hugging me with tears in their eyes.

"I'm so sorry!" They cry

"Your father is in a better place baby"

So it was real, he did...pass.

"I always love you"

———————

The funeral was all paid for by an anonymous donor, with hundreds of flowers filling the grounds of the cemetery. You could see them from miles away, endless assortments of stems that ranged from eucalyptus to roses even calla lilies.

"Are you Blaire Ryland?" An older lady says tapping my shoulder as I turn, wiping my eyes.

"Uh yes" I nodded as she holds a package addressed to me. "I? Who is this from?"

"I just deliver them ma'am." She tells me before walking off to her freight truck. It was heavy as I walked into the small sitting room as I open the package to find an album of family photos, of my father and I. The tears begin to fall as I flipped through each one.

But the last page resonated with me, it was a photo of me and my father at my high school graduation and in the reflection, from behind us, the one taking the photo...was that same man in my dreams.

He was real. He is. Real.

At the bottom of the box was cash, and a note.

For the rough year that you had, take care of yourself.