Young women these days
Long before their first regular overnight trip, Orochimaru knew sharing a single bedroom and only one bed would be complicated. What he didn't anticipate was that he would be the one to blame.
Like every other time when he had to stay the night after attending the fundraiser, he rented the cheapest accommodation. This time, with Ino as his wife, it was the cheapest room for two. Huge mistake.
Ino was using the bathroom while he was staring at the tiniest double bed in the world.
"Why are you standing here?"
He was so desperate he didn't hear when Ino left the bathroom and joined him.
"This wont work," he said.
"What won't work?" she asked, heading toward the problematic bed.
"The bed is too small. And there is no additional bedding. And-"
"I am so tired I could probably fall asleep on my feet," she interrupted. "Which side do you prefer?"
"We can't sleep in the same bed."
"I am also too tired for this discussion."
She unceremoniously sat on the farther side and began undressing.
"I really like this story so far," Jiraiya said. "But the constant rolling of your eyes and your general grumpiness are telling me it didn't end the way I hope."
"My general grumpiness," Orochimaru said grumpily, "is the result of sleep deprivation. Seven nights while we were away and now-"
"She kept you up for seven consecutive nights?" Jiraiya gasped.
"Yes," Orochimaru sighed, "but not the way you hope."
Sitting at the back of the small tea house, all Orochimaru could think of was sleep.
Jiraiya had a different kind of sleeping on his mind.
"I don't understand why you are upset. She seemed okay with the idea of sharing the bed. Sleepy spooning is the best if you can't tell whether she is in the mood. If she hates it, you apologize. If she likes it, you both get naked and proceed."
"She would have hated it," Orochimaru said, stifling a yawn.
"How do you know? Did you ask her?"
"I didn't have to. She told me by herself," Orochimaru said, rolling his eyes. "Self pleasure is better than mediocre sex, but I am free to do whatever I want with whoever I want. And also tell her about it."
Jiraiya shifted in his seat then leaned across the table.
"Listen," he began quietly, "there is no other way to tell you this, but Ino thinks you are a lousy kisser."
Orochimaru was sleepy, but his hearing was perfect.
"I am what? How do you know? Did she tell you?"
"I figured it out."
"How?"
Now Jiraiya signalled Orochimaru to also lean across the table. Orochimaru did, impatient to learn when Ino managed to talk to his friend about their kiss. Why did she tell him anything in the first place? And was he really a lousy kisser?
"She wondered what was wrong with your tongue," Jiraiya explained. "And I know nothing is wrong, so you must have been using it in a way she disliked. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to take the next step."
Orochimaru straightened up in his seat.
"Next step? What are you talking about? And how do you know we kissed?"
Jiraiya also sat up straight.
"Aren't you listening? She asked me about-"
"About my tongue, yes," Orochimaru interrupted. "It wasn't involved in our kiss. Why would she ask you that? And when did you manage to talk? We are constantly away."
"What do you mean, when? The only time we talked, at the festival."
"But I didn't kiss her at the festival. Or before it."
"Why would she ask me then?"
"I don't know! How should I know? I just learned I was a lousy kisser!"
Unlike the sleepy Orochimaru's, Jiraiya's brain worked properly, so he came to a correct conclusion.
"If you haven't kissed before the festival, then it happened afterwards. And you didn't tell me!"
"I just did," Orochimaru sighed.
"But not what happened next!" Jiraiya protested.
"Nothing happened. She didn't kiss me back."
"Oh."
From grumpy, they became depressed.
"What did you do then?" Jiraiya asked.
"Apologized. What was I supposed to do?"
"And you haven't repeated it since?"
"No. I understood the hint."
It must have been too much information for Jiraiya, so he needed a few moments to drink some tea and think of more questions. Orochimaru drank strong coffee, hoping to rouse himself. All he got was a bitter taste in his mouth. A perfect combination for this conversation.
"But you didn't kiss her out of the blue," Jiraiya said. "You would have never done it.
"Of course I didn't."
"So why didn't she kiss you back? You obviously thought she wanted it."
Orochimaru was desperate for a nap, he just confessed he kissed Ino and learned she considered him a lousy kisser. How much worse could it get?
"We went to the horny resort."
"YOU WENT TO THE HORNY RESORT?"
Jiraiya's voice was so loud it was a miracle their drinks didn't spill all over the table. Orochimaru was too sleepy to care about other guests hearing of horny resort.
Jiraiya took another sip and sighed, probably to calm himself down.
"Can you explain how you returned with one unreciprocated kiss?" Jiraiya asked. "I would have understood if it had happened at home, but the purpose of the resort-"
"I gave her a blocker," Orochimaru interrupted.
"A what?"
"A substance that annuls the effects of gas that makes you horny."
"Why would you do that? To not get involved with other men? It couldn't have happened if you had stayed in your room."
"You know Tange is my most important investor. We couldn't have stayed in our room."
Jiraiya ran out of his tea, so he left the table to get them more. Despite the awful taste, Orochimaru chose coffee again.
"And for how long did you stay?" Jiraiya asked, now having a full cup of tea.
"Too long."
"How did Ino react after learning the real purpose of the resort?"
"Told me to feel free to engage."
"She wasn't shocked?"
"Maybe a little," Orochimaru said. "But she sees nothing wrong with adults having consensual sex."
Now Jiraiya laughed.
"This girl is something."
"One in a million."
Jiraiya drank tea, but Orochimaru recognized his surprised expression.
"Tange said that," Orochimaru explained.
"You introduced them?"
"It was Ino's idea. He loved her."
"He didn't suspect anything?"
"Ino told him I was everything she looked for in a man."
"No wonder you can't sleep next to her."
"Thank you."
It was Orochimaru's turn to take a sip of his drink. Hot coffee was somehow even worse.
"Also this coffee of yours doesn't work," he complained. "I already had three cups and nothing."
"It arouses you on a regular morning, not after a sleepless week," Jiraiya explained. "Don't you have pills for that too?"
"I took them while abroad. Even my body has limits."
"So why don't you go home now and take a nap?"
Orochimaru sighed, wondering if Jiraiya considered him stupid.
"If Ino is not there," he said, "I will wait for her return. No sleep again. If she is there, then I will have to explain what's wrong and I don't feel like explaining. And I can't sleep unless she sleeps too."
"So you wait for her to go to bed every night?"
"No, I wait for her to fall asleep."
"And you hide in your room until it happens?"
"Yes."
"I think you are the problem."
"I never said I wasn't the problem," Orochimaru said, frowning. "But you should try it too. Live by yourself for decades then never have an empty house for yourself. After all these years I bet I couldn't fall asleep in your company either."
Ino was an intruder in his house. He was never alone. Never. Her working schedule didn't allow night shifts, so she was at home every evening. She never barged into his bedroom, but her presence alone was making him tense. Sharing the same bedroom while traveling was even worse. No privacy whatsoever.
"Here's what you can do," Jiraiya said, rubbing his chin. "Go take a nap at my place while I go talk to your wife to give you one more shot at kissing."
Jiraiya's grin was telling him the proposal wasn't a joke.
"No," Orochimaru said, leaving no room for misinterpretation.
"Why not?" Jiraiya wailed. "We both know you want to repeat it."
"No."
Jiraiya was quiet for several moments, probably thinking of the best way to suggest kissing Ino again. Orochimaru decided to discourage him.
"If I do kiss her again," Orochimaru said and Jiraiya's face lit up, "and she likes it for some reason," now Jiraiya nodded like an excited puppy, "where is the end to it?"
"There isn't, that's the beauty of it!" Jiraiya exclaimed. "You proceed!"
"Yes, but once the money is collected, we are getting a divorce."
"So?"
"So why start anything?"
"Why does it have to be the beginning of something serious?" Jiraiya asked. "Why wouldn't you have sex for the sake of sex?"
"I prefer it with people I will never see again. Ino lives with me, so it's impossible."
"You would have an awkward conversation only once, the first morning after," Jiraiya persisted.
"I thought I would have to explain to you the whole fake marriage with Ino only once, but here we are, having the same discussion for the millionth time."
"When you are stubborn! I am sure Ino would-"
Jiraiya stopped talking mid-sentence, his gaze fixated on the entrance. Orochimaru glanced over his shoulder to see who or what might end Jiraiya's advice. He should have known only one person had that power over him.
"Did I interrupt something?" Tsunade asked, now standing next to their table.
Jiraiya must have made a grimace that gave Tsunade an idea of the subject before her arrival.
"No need to worry," she said with a smile. "I know about the kiss."
Jiraiya first looked at Orochimaru, then Tsunade, then back at Orochimaru.
"You told Tsunade first?"
"I didn't!"
Putting his fists on the table, Jiraiya got up.
"That's it. I am leaving. And not speaking to you."
Tsunade placed her palm on Jiraiya's shoulder and forced him to sit down.
"You are not going anywhere," she said firmly, then looked at Orochimaru. "Ino told me."
Out of all problems of his fake marriage he predicted, Ino going around and telling his friends about their kissing wasn't one of them.
"Ino told you?" Jiraiya repeated. "Did she say she hated it?"
"No, poor thing! She feared Orochimaru might divorce her because she didn't react properly."
Assuming Tsunade had more useful information, Jiraiya made room so she could sit next to him.
"What else did she tell you?" Orochimaru asked.
"About spending the lovely evening at her parents'."
"I meant about the kiss. And there was nothing lovely about that dinner."
"You met her parents?" Jiraiya asked.
"Yes," Orochimaru sighed then yawned. "Her mother thinks we are sleeping together."
"Ino told me that too," Tsunade said. "But you are not, are you?"
"Ino sleeps, I do not. We are definitely not sleeping together."
"But you could!" Jiraiya jumped in. "Could they?" he asked Tsunade.
"It's not obligatory, but it's not forbidden either," Tsunade said. "And what does it mean you don't sleep?"
"Ino keeps him up," Jiraiya answered instead of his sleepy friend. "By existing."
Tsunade looked at Jiraiya, then at Orochimaru then at his empty cup of coffee.
"You can't sleep?" she asked.
"I can't," he admitted, "knowing she is awake and possibly not wearing any clothes."
Tsunade and Jiraiya looked at each other, then back at Orochimaru.
"I need more details on this issue," Tsunade said.
"The other day, I got home, and she was sitting at the table wearing no proper clothes. And also something green on her face."
"She was naked?" Jiraiya asked.
"No, she was wrapped in a towel. And her hair was in a towel."
"Sounds like she just took a shower and was waiting to wash off the facial mask," Tsunade said.
"Facial mask?"
"Green thing on her face," she explained.
"Ah."
"If she was wrapped in a towel, what disturbed you?" Tsunade asked. "Her bare arms? Or legs? I mean, women show more skin on the beach."
"Yes, but what if the towel unwrapped?"
"Then you would have seen Ino naked and continued with your life. Why are we having this discussion?"
"Because you wanted to know why I don't sleep properly."
"Ah, so you are picturing Ino naked, that's what's keeping you up!" Jiraiya concluded.
Orochimaru and Tsunade sighed in unison.
"What did she do after you got home?" Tsunade asked.
"Nothing," Orochimaru muttered. "She greeted me and I escaped to my bedroom."
"And what was she supposed to do?"
Orochimaru didn't have an answer, so he sighed again.
"You are blowing the whole thing out of proportion," Tsunade said. "It's not like she invited you into her room to help her get dressed."
"Actually, that happened too."
"Was she dressed?" Jiraiya asked.
"Yes. She asked me to zip up her dress."
"Meaning what, seeing her bare back?"
"And seeing she was not wearing a bra."
"Like I said, her bare back," Tsunade concluded.
"So no bending over and checking her behind?" Jiraiya asked.
"She did ask me if she looked fat. On several occasions."
"She is treating you as a friend," Tsunade said.
And Orochimaru knew she was right.
Imagine Ino covering every inch of her skin, perceiving him as a potential molester! It was great she trusted him, but he was also just a man, couldn't she treat him like one? And there was a huge difference between assuring her she didn't look fat and being wrapped in a tiny towel in his company.
"Would you behave like that?" he asked Tsunade.
"I wouldn't, but Ino and I are not the same, I already told you. She is open-minded and far from shy. If she had been different, she wouldn't have been a convincing wife and you know it."
"I would have had the time of my life with Ino as my fake wife," Jiraiya said. "I would have made her try on every sexy dress, with then without a bra. Then I would have accidentally spilled something sticky all over her and helped her remove it and-"
Tsunade's elbow between Jiraiya's ribs stopped him from going into more detail.
"Anyway," he coughed to get some air, "you are missing out on so much fun."
"I can say something if you insist," Tsunade offered.
"That would make him the only man in the world complaining about having a young beautiful woman half naked in his living room."
Easy for them to say. After learning Ino was not wearing a bra, he spent the rest of the evening wondering if other people noticed and what would happen if the straps of her dress would magically tear. Then again, he could have easily taught her to zip herself with a little help of a special jutsu, but he decided not to. The same scene repeated at the end of the night, he helped her pull the zipper down. And no, she did not parade in front of him, but went to the bathroom and emerged fully dressed in her pyjamas.
"Now, I have a real complaint about your behaviour," Tsunade said.
"What did I do? Wore too much clothes?"
"You revealed Ino our age."
"I didn't," Orochimaru protested. "I just said I was older than her father."
"And that gave her enough information. She shouldn't know that about me."
"And it's okay she knows almost everything about me?"
"She should, because you are her husband."
And it was his fault again.
He somehow blurted out when exactly his parents died and she insisted on visiting the cemetery that same day. He also found fresh flowers more than once since.
"Also I don't know if it's your influence, but I received so much praise for Ino's work," Tsunade said, now smiling. "Many patients requested for her in advance, but she is not allowed to work more than other married kunoichi."
"Are those patients men?" Jiraiya asked.
"Actually, no," Tsunade said.
"Then I will tell you a secret," Jiraiya said. "The rest of the staff is overworked, so they are pleased Ino dedicates her time to them."
"It's not my fault," Tsunade said. "It's the rules for married kunoichi."
"And if you had been married," Orochimaru jumped in, "you would have hired a maid."
"A maid?" she repeated.
"Ino's mother was shocked to hear her daughter doesn't cook or clean," Orochimaru explained. "I have been listening about Ino's future husband's expectations throughout the entire dinner."
"And did you tell her no guy will care about dinner if she greets him wrapped in a towel?" Jiraiya asked, smiling knowingly.
"That woman is impossible to please."
"They all are!" Jiraiya laughed. "That's why you choose the one who looks good without the said towel. And you have one just like that waiting for you at home."
"Jiraiya…"
"What? Let's analyse the timing of Ino's beauty routine," he said, rubbing his palms together. "She could have showered and put whatever she wanted on her face in the middle of the afternoon, but no, she waited until the evening, knowing you would come home soon and find her wearing only a towel."
"Don't you shower before going to sleep?" Tsunade asked. "It was a coincidence."
"Maybe, but since the kiss, from what you told me, you saw her barely dressed twice and you met her parents," Jiraiya said. "I would say she changed her mind about you, my friend."
"I can ask her about that too," Tsunade said. "If walking around barely dressed counts as seduction."
"How many times do I have to repeat myself?" Orochimaru said, sighing deeply. "She is not interested in me, I am not interested in her, we are interested in salary, so can we drop the subject?
"I have been waiting for the salary to come up, but all I heard from you was kissing with Ino and her mother giving her a hard time," Tsunade said. "Not only does it sound like you are interested in her, it sounds like a real marriage too."
Orochimaru had enough. First Jiraiya, now Tsunade too! Couldn't they all just let him sleep at the table?
"I am tired," he said, staring at his empty cup of coffee. "Both from this discussion and because of lack of sleep."
"Luckily for you and thanks to me," Tsunade said, "the fake marriage will end much faster than estimated."
"Thanks to you?" Orochimaru echoed. "You found another source of income?"
"No," she said, rolling her eyes. "If you don't remember, I chose the right wife."
Tsunade silently dug into her pocket and handed him a small piece of paper.
"This is the current balance at the savings account for your very important equipment."
Orochimaru blinked once, then the second time, but the number on the paper still had way too many digits.
"Let me see what made you speechless!"
Jiraiya snatched the paper from Orochimaru's hand.
"Well, at this rate," Jiraiya said with a grin, "you will divorce Ino-"
"In four months," Tsunade finished instead of him. "I believe you can endure her unforgivable behaviour for that long. Or her mother's."
"Or you can finally make a move, now that you know you will get your personal space back in just four months," Jiraiya added.
This information roused him like no type of coffee in the world could. What was four months in comparison to years he would need on his own? Too bad Orochimaru knew what was behind this impressive amount.
"The greatest donation last year also happened after spending time at the resort," he explained, leaving out Jiraiya's description of the resort.
"Not this great," Tsunade pointed out. "Either way, stop complaining about Ino. Whatever she does, it has a great impact on your funds."
In public on his funds, in private on his sleeping schedule.
"And now you have an excuse to get home earlier than usual," Jiraiya said. "You are bringing the good news about the money and then you take a well deserved nap."
His best idea so far. Orochimaru did wish to tell Ino about the gathered money, but it wouldn't mean she would go to sleep as well. And if not sure she was asleep, he couldn't sleep either.
"Or confess the problem and ask for tips on sleeping," Jiraiya said, as if he knew what Orochimaru had been thinking. "She feels comfortable around you, so maybe you could hang out until you feel the same. Or maybe-"
"Or maybe I could just take a sleeping pill," Orochimaru cut him off. "Thanks for this," he said to Tsunade, pointing at the piece of paper on the table. "Ino will be thrilled to hear she can start searching for her future husband in four months."
Orochimaru knew it was too optimistic, but he needed the excuse to leave his friends' company and their enthusiastic suggestions.
"Just for this?" Tsunade asked. "And not for the entire idea?"
"We will celebrate properly when the time comes," he promised.
"Then it's my turn to thank you," she said as they were parting. "I entrusted you my young apprentice and you proved yourself as a good partner, not forcing her to do something she wasn't ready for. Not many men would behave like you did."
It was funny because Ino also said that, not long before he kissed her and almost ruined everything. He was grateful for Ino's tolerance and understanding.
"And here is a friendly advice, from someone who knows your wife a bit longer than you," she said after Jiraiya left. "When Ino decides the two of you should kiss, for whatever reason, she will make her intentions clear, so you won't have doubts about it."
"Because you instructed her to be direct?"
"It's how she is. And that makes her a perfect fake wife."
And Orochimaru agreed. So perfect that he wasn't allowed to forget it was all fake, not even for a second. All of her compliments and flirting and every publicly appropriate touch was pretending. For the next four months, or more realistically, a bit longer than that, he was supposed to ignore that the gorgeous woman who spent the entire evening by his side telling strangers how wonderful of a husband he was, was nothing more than an acquaintance. And no matter how much he tried to deny it, he was just a man. It was challenging to ignore a semi nude woman in his living room. He wasn't proud of himself, but almost everything Jiraiya said aloud, crossed Orochimaru's mind. At least once.
Also a sleeping pill wasn't a joke. On their next long journey, if necessary, he would give some to Ino too. That way they would both sleep through the night, not one of them wide awake, alert the other might wake up and suggest doing whatever real spouses usually did while awake in the bed. He hoped for a bigger bed too. For sleeping, not for the sake of the activity while awake.
Four more months, Orochimaru comforted himself. Or maybe a while longer. Most importantly, not as long as his estimation.
First step was retelling it to Ino.
After closing the door and announcing his arrival, Orochimaru didn't get an answer of any kind, despite Ino being in the house.
The noise he heard was unexpected and certainly coming from the bathroom. Instead of a beauty routine, it reminded him of food poisoning.
Whatever was happening behind the closed door, Orochimaru hoped Ino was decent. Still he knocked first.