After reading all the comments, I have decided to continue both side A and side B. I have managed to complete this somehow, but can't give any promises as to when the next update will be. For now let me leave you with this and hopefully it won't take as long as this for the next update.
Footsteps echo softly in the dark hallway.
Ram, who hadn't realised she had dozed off, wakes up with a jerk. It's still dark out and she takes a glance at the time crystal.
11 Lunartime. Just an hour before dawn.
A few hours ago, when she had finished all her duties and was ready to call it a day, she heard it through her clairvoyance—the sound of someone leaving the mansion. Unsure of who it was, she ran out to take a peek over the balcony and only managed to catch a silhouette of the leaving entity. So she stayed awake until the person returned but ended up dozing off sometime during the night.
Sitting straight in her chair, she closes her eyes, trying to find a creature on the same wavelength as her. Her vision synchronises with that of a spider on a wall and the first thing she sees is a tuft of raven-black hair trudging slowly towards the men's quarters.
Ram frowns. Where had he gone and why had he stayed out the entire night? Did Beatrice know about this?
A part of her wants to barge right up to him and demand answers… but the other's afraid of sensing the fear in his eyes.
Subaru is scared of them… of all of them and it hurts her a lot more than she expected. The quiet and withdrawn Subaru is only a shell of his former loud and boisterous self. He does go around behaving like his normal self from time to time, but no one's buying into his act for the cracks in his mask are visible for all to see.
Ram may tease him or make fun of him sometimes but never with malicious intentions. She thought Subaru knew that but apparently he didn't. She has never wanted this. She wonders what has happened for him to turn out this way. He left the mansion one day only for him to return, a changed man. Did they hurt him in some way? If only someone can tell her how to fix this…
She walks silently to his room, opening the door just a tad to peek in. His side of the bed is empty, with Beatrice taking care even in her sleep to not encroach into his space… but Subaru's not there. Her eyes widen and she opens the door a little more to find him asleep on the couch instead.
She bites her lips, unable to sort out her own feelings. Maybe she'll talk with Beatrice regarding his night-out in the morning. So she closes the door behind him and walks away.
"The Sin Archbishop of Gluttony has died from blood loss from several open wounds," Julius informs them with a dejected expression as Ram and the others listen to the news with grave faces.
She moves around the table, serving tea to everyone and there's nothing unusual… except Subaru who seems even more gloomy than usual, courtesy of the dark circles under his eyes, a clear indication that he hasn't slept at night.
"When did this happen?" Otto asks and Julius replies, "Last night. Ferris believes he had healed the Archbishop; however, it seems he was mistaken." Julius sighs. Then with his hands clenching into a fist, he says in anger, "What is even infuriating is the smile he had on his face as he lay dead in that room. He escaped too soon." He grits his teeth in a mix of anger, bitterness and disgust.
"The good thing though about all this," Julius continues, his eyes drift to Subaru, who immediately averts his away, biting his lips. "All the nameless who had been asleep until now have all woken up," Julius informs them.
Ram's eyes widen and so does everyone else's, including Subaru, who has been trying his level best to avoid everyone's gazes since the beginning.
"The sleeping people have recovered? Does that mean I didn't…" Subaru stands up with an unexpected vigour not seen in a while that makes everyone around him surprised. His black eyes finally look at Julius, almost pleading him to bring him assurance, for what reason Ram couldn't figure out.
"I…" Julius hesitates under Subaru's gaze, before looking down and reporting, "Joshua woke up as well. He has no memory of us and I regret to say… I do not remember him either."
Subaru's initial excitement disappears almost instantly as he sits back down, his gloomy expression making a return.
Ram sighs. "If it isn't clear to you yet, Barusu, this is still progress. Even if they don't remember, they can still make new memories like Ram did with her lovely sister. Stop being so greedy."
Almost everyone breaks out into a smile at her optimistic words. Everyone except the person who she wanted would hear her words the most. He shows no reaction, sitting still in his gloomy silence.
"What about the others? Did the others that have been asleep manage to find their families?" Otto asks.
"That's…" Julius's golden eyes momentarily drift towards Subaru. Subaru does not respond, too lost in his own world.
As if reading what Julius has in mind, Beatrice takes Subaru's hand in his and gives it a small encouraging pat. "While it is true that Subaru has been of great help in this matter, he is not omniscient, in fact."
"If Subaru could do something, he would definitely help everyone!" Emilia too steps into the conversation in order to protect Subaru against the unrealistic expectations the others have set upon him.
No sooner than the words leave Emilia's mouth, he bites his lips, his countenance morphing with guilt as he hangs his head even further down.
Ram frowns. The idiot is probably blaming himself for something beyond his control again.
"I know. There is a limit to the number of people Subaru can identify and it would be wrong of me to expect too much from him," Julius looks at Subaru apologetically.
"What has…" Subaru speaks up but stops, nervously reaching out to grab the cup of tea before him. Taking a deep breath, he continues, "Where are the nameless now?" He asks before sipping on his tea.
"Among the ones in Priestella, we have somewhat tried to identify the families based on their features and smell. The rest who do not have anywhere to go are under the protection of the knights."
Subaru gives a sad sigh. "It must be a shock for the families to be suddenly told that they have a relative they forgot about because of the Sin Archbishop of Gluttony," he says.
Ram could sympathise with everything Subaru had said. She would have very nearly abandoned Rem had Subaru not told her everything. The idea of families rejecting their loved ones makes her disgusted.
But then, "Surprisingly, although some remain doubtful, most families have welcomed the nameless with open arms. It is a relief to be honest," Julius answers with a little smile coming onto his face.
"What?" Subaru and the tea cup freezes in his hands as his eyes widen.
Otto chuckles from beside him. "It is probably a result of Natsuki-san's efforts. He's the one who has gone around to help the nameless the most after all. When he has been running around so much to save people he doesn't even know, I doubt there's anyone who wouldn't get all sentimental," he teases Subaru.
All of a sudden, the emotions on Subaru's face vanish as the teacup in his hand begins to shake slightly. There's finally an expression on his face other than a frown and Ram doesn't like it one bit. She furrows her brows.
"People expect too much from Betty's contractor, in fact! Hmph!" Beatrice complains, crossing her arms, peeved. Emilia pats her head with a giggle.
"Don't mind her," she apologises for Beatrice. "She's just mad that they take her Subaru hours away from her."
"Emilia!" Beatrice shouts in protest. "That's not-"
Suddenly, there is a loud clatter. Startled, Ram and the others look up to see the source of the noise. The teacup Subaru's holding slips from his hand, onto his thigh and falls to the ground, shattering instantly. Scalding hot tea pours down on his legs, the sound of sizzling as his skin burns reaching them.
"Subaru!" Three voices shout out simultaneously.
"Barusu! Where is your mind at? Can't you even hold a teacup properly?" Ram scolds him lightly.
Beatrice and Ram immediately rush to him, Beatrice to heal him and Ram to clear out the ceramic.
The only person who seems unfazed is Subaru himself, whose hollow eyes momentarily look up at everyone and then back down at the broken cup.
"Subaru, are you alright?" Emilia asks in concern for him.
"I'm sorry," he answers instead, making everyone's eyes widen in shock.
The entire time, not once has he cried out in pain, which unnerves Ram a lot. That has got to burn, yet he sits silent as if the pain is inconsequential to him.
"Natsuki-san, that has got to hurt, right? You don't have to hide that. You can-"
"I'm fine," he says, cutting Otto off, still no reaction to the pain, whatsoever. "I'm sorry for breaking the cup."
"Subaru, I don't think anyone's worried about the cup! You don't have to-"
"I'm fine, Emilia," he reiterates again, this time with a small smile that seems so strained that even a child can tell it's fake.
He gets up, stopping Beatrice in the middle of her healing. "Subaru, what are you doing, I suppose," she cries, but Subaru bends down instead, beginning to pick up the pieces of the broken cup instead.
"Barusu?" Ram eyes him in surprise.
"Here, let me help you." He takes all of the pieces she had collected from her and gathers them onto a tray.
As he's collecting the pieces, the only one whose line of sight his face is in is Ram and she can clearly see it—his jaw clenched and the scorn on his face.
Once he's sure he has scavenged all the pieces, he walks away from the room, while all they can do is stare in shock at his retreating back.
Julius, who's been silent the entire time, finally speaks up, "I have noticed it for a while now, but I didn't want to intrude considering all of you have been silent regarding this. But right now, I'm afraid I have to ask. What is the matter with Subaru? Did something happen?"
"That's the thing! We don't know either!" Emilia answers in frustration.
"Natsuki-san is giving us absolutely nothing!" Otto grabs his hat and slams it onto the table.
"He can at least tell Betty if he's hurt, I suppose. Doesn't he trust Betty this much?" Beatrice's eyes fill up with tears.
Ram grits her teeth and clenches her fist. She has this sinking feeling that something is very wrong here. She ignores it, and excuses herself from the room to follow behind him.
"Barusu?"
Subaru, who's discarding the broken teacup, looks up at her briefly, before looking back down, ignoring her words completely.
A little peeved by his reaction, "Do you feel happy now that you've wasted a perfectly good cup of tea," she asks, walking close to him and lightly kicking his leg, right where the boiling tea had poured down on him.
No reaction again; he doesn't scream nor wince.
"Just how long are you going to keep up this attitude?"
No answer. Her gut is screaming at her that something is off, that she should back off and try some other approach, but she ignores her instincts and asks the question in her mind anyway.
"Where did you go last night?"
Subaru's eyes widen and he lifts his head up to look at her surprise. Ram feels satisfied to have finally gotten him to look at her. Her satisfaction doesn't last long when he clicks his tongue and looks away from her grumbling, "None of your business!"
Ram's veins bulge at the reaction. "Look at Ram when she is talking to you!" She grabs him by his shirt and pushes him against the wall, with him still unfazed by everything that's happening. It's not the kind of development she was hoping for.
"Ram… let me go. I don't have the energy to argue with you right now," he answers, his words soft and dull.
"Just who do you think you are, Barusu? Acting like you're the most unfortunate person in the world and ignoring everyone that cares about you?"
"…" Subaru sighs. "Sorry about that. It won't happen again," he responds as he brings his hands to Ram's to try and release her hold on his shirt.
Instead, her grip tightens and she pushes him even further back against the wall. "Don't expect Ram to keep helping you if you keep this up."
"WHAT IS THE POINT OF HELPING ME NOW!" He shouts all of a sudden, pushing her away from him. Her eyes widen.
Subaru continues ranting. "After everything's done, what can you do about it? You didn't believe me when I needed you the most and now you're talking about trying to help me?" He rasps, breathing heavily, his face flushed red with anger. "I don't need your help! You can go back to helping everyone else because apparently they are more believable than I am!"
"BARUSU, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Ram shouts in astonishment at the outburst that seemed to come out of nowhere. Not a single thing he said makes sense. What is wrong with him? What mistake did she make?
Subaru's eyes widen in shock. "I… I…" He mumbles with a shaky breath as he takes a step back. Biting his lips, he turns around and runs away.
"Barusu, wait!" She calls out to him, but he's already gone.
"If Betty knew something, she would tell you, but she doesn't, I suppose," Beatrice answers with a sigh, when Ram asks her about Subaru's whereabouts the previous night.
"Subaru has a habit of leaving at night from time to time, in fact. Whenever Betty asks him, he just says he needs some fresh air, I suppose," she reveals.
So last night wasn't a first, Ram thinks. While this is new information, yet it explains nothing about what is going on with their knight. Ram crosses her arms and knits her brows. She doesn't understand why Subaru has to leave the Mansion grounds if he just needs some fresh air.
"And you believe him?" She asks Beatrice incredulously.
Beatrice's silent gaze speaks louder than her words.
"Why don't you question him-"
"If Subaru was someone who would spill everything with the slightest push, Betty wouldn't be this much trouble in the first place, I suppose," Beatrice responds with a heavy sigh. "All Betty can do is be patient… and hope Subaru trusts her enough to tell her someday."
Her hands come together and her eyes cast down in sadness and Ram can only find the Great Spirit pitiable. Clearly, silence isn't an approach that seems to be working but she still seems to insist on it. Her kindness is being wasted on the likes of Subaru.
Without saying a word, Ram leaves Beatrice to her and exits the room. Right as she's closing the door—
"Since when have you started snooping around asking about me, nee-sama?"
Ram jumps a little, taken by surprise at the unexpected appearance of the one she'd just been discussing about. She raises her hand to her chest and takes a deep breath, calming herself down. Her gaze then turns to Subaru who's looking at her inquisitively.
Though his earlier words were meant to be playful, there was no bite in them. She narrows her eyes.
"What are you doing here, Barusu? How long have you been listening?" she asks, not making much of an effort to mask the annoyance in her voice.
"It's my room. I can come and go as I please."
"Oh, so you have grown courageous enough to respond to Ram in that manner?"
Ram stares at him and Subaru takes a step back at her gaze. He sighs. "Look, Ram, it's no big deal. I've had a hard time sleeping recently, so I go out for walks occasionally because I'm an idiot and I thought it would somehow tire me out enough to sleep."
A frown seeps into her face at the answer. "Was it the same yesterday?" she asks. Subaru nods.
"Yeah. Why?"
"So, you…" Ram fumbles with her words, unable to decide if she wants to voice it out loud. In the end, against her better judgement she asks, "So you didn't have anything to do with the dead Sin Archbishop?"
Subaru's eyes widen and for a second, she notices the horror flash across his eyes. It's gone as she blinks, making her wonder if she had really seen it in the first place.
"No," he answers curtly and with such firmness that it made Ram feel guilty about asking him that in the first place.
"R-Ram didn't mean to doubt you. She just… needed to be sure." This half-assed apology is the best he is going to receive but Subaru didn't seem to care. And it's followed by more knots in her stomach and more red signals.
"Why do you think I did something?"
Subaru's question—in fact, his whole reaction itself doesn't sit right with her. It doesn't feel… normal. She thought he would be a lot… angrier or sad or hurt being falsely accused of something. One more proof in the growing pile of evidence that she doesn't know him as well as she thinks.
"You didn't seem that happy with Roy Alphard's interrogation," she replies.
He knits his brows. "That's…" He hesitates. Taking a deep breath, he says, "How the knights were interrogating Roy Alphard… it just didn't sit right with me."
Ram furrows her brows, and Subaru continues to prattle on. "I-I… I know that what's right or wrong depends on the kind of society we live in. Like this place is close to what I know as the mediaeval era and torture and stuff like that is more commonplace here, but I can't forget my roots so easily either. So maybe I'm the weird one here but-"
"Barusu, kindly stop talking." Without warning, she flicks his forehead and he cries out in pain. He gazes at her all hurt, but Ram simply sighs in response. From what she could discern from the idiot's words, he is displaying unwarranted feelings of compassion towards the Sin Archbishop and while it is not entirely surprising, given his innate disposition, Ram can't help but feel a mix of emotions about the matter.
"That vermin deserved what he got. Those witch cultists ruined many lives. They don't deserve mercy. He is one of the reasons why Ram and Rem's bond was nearly destroyed. Stop overthinking and worrying so much about this."
"…"
Subaru stares at her for a while in surprise, seeming almost… disappointed at her answer. To her surprise, he looks away from her and gives a bitter chuckle. Ram wishes she could prod into his brain and figure out what he's thinking.
"Barusu, why does this bother you so much? You were the one that wanted Roy Alphard dead back in the watchtower."
"It's not…" He takes in a deep breath, shaking his head. "It's not about the Sin Archbishop. I think he deserves to pay; he's ruined my life. But the real issue for me is…" his words trail off, leaving a perplexed Ram staring at him with a questioning gaze. "...more personal." When he does get to the end of his sentence, his answer is vague, as if he's weighed the words in his head at least ten times before uttering anything.
"What does that mean?"
"It's nothing, Ram."
—He's definitely hiding something.
"Roy Alphard is dead." There's a cold fury hidden in his voice as he says this. Of course, he pretends like nothing's wrong and Ram can't get him to elaborate any further. "Can we put this behind us and just go back to normal?" He asks, no begs. "Please."
Ram can't say no. She wants what Subaru wants. Normalcy. So she stays quiet even though she shouldn't have.
In the next few days, things look brighter. It's not exactly the same as before, but it's somewhere on the way and Ram feels happy with that.
Subaru feels a lot less obnoxious, and he's putting more of an effort to bring things back to normalcy which is fine in and of itself, but it disappoints her that he has to put in the effort.
Even if she dislikes it, there's nothing that can be done. He's changed and it's impossible for things to truly go back to the way it was. At least that's what Ram believed, until—
"Reinhard!" Subaru shouts, waving at the Sword Saint during one outing in the Capital with the brightest smile she's seen him conjure up in months.
Furthermore, there's not an ounce of pretence or strain in his smile. It's… genuine. It's the kind of thing that can leave even Ram shell-shocked and at a loss for words.
"Subaru, it's been a while," Reinhard smiles and walks over to them. "You too, Emilia-sama. It's a pleasure meeting you here."
"Y-yes…" Emilia fumbles. She seems to be just as surprised as Ram by the sudden improvement in Subaru's mood. Even if Subaru tries his best to make sure they don't notice it, it's impossible not to.
"So what are you doing here? Don't tell me you lost Felt again!?" Subaru teases him at which Reinhard smiles sheepishly.
"I don't believe I have ever lost sight of Felt-sama… but I can't deny that she has a tendency to run off on her own a lot."
As Subaru and Reinhard continue to converse nonchalantly like there's nothing wrong in the world, Ram can't help but feel bitter upon catching a glimpse of the old Subaru once again. It's not Ram or Rem or Beatrice or any other member of the Emilia camp. Not even Emilia. It's the Sword Saint of all people who brought him back.
Emilia and the others look happy… but a little disheartened. There can literally be no greater proof than this. It feels like he's punishing them for some reason and they're still no closer to figuring out why.
If just Subaru being on the edge around then was annoying, then the current atmosphere in the Roswaal mansion is beyond suffocating. Apparently, Subaru trusts an outsider like Reinhard more than his own camp and the one to receive the greatest hit is obviously his contracted spirit, Beatrice. Now everyone's on eggshells around him too.
"Otto, do something about this!" Ram demands, glaring at the Internal Affairs Minister who heaves out a tired sigh.
"'Do something,' you say… but that's easier said than done. To fix this we would have to get to the root of the problem."
Ram can't argue with that. In fact, allowing the situation to persist without asking any questions or taking any measures is the reason why it has sustained for so long till holes and cracks were exposed. Sooner or later, it's going to take its toll and the cracks would become craters until the damage to their camp becomes irreparable.
"And that is?"
"Obviously, Natsuki-san…" Otto answers in a meek voice as the irritable Ram stands before his desk, crossing her arms.
"Then figure out why he's mad at us."
"I wouldn't say mad. I guess it would be more correct to say… uncomfortable?" Otto shrugs.
"Why does it even matter?"
"Because it makes matters a lot more difficult. Anger is a more voluntary response compared to the feeling of discomfort. I do believe Natsuki-san wants to reconcile too. He's definitely putting in the effort for it. It's almost like he… wants to trust us but can't."
"So what do you suppose we do? Barusu isn't giving any answers."
"I don't know! I can't think of anything we did wrong and Natsuki-san has become impossible to read these days!" Otto slams his fists on the desk out of frustration and heaves a heavy sigh. "It doesn't make any sense why Natsuki-san is still so silent about all of this!"
The idiot has an unhealthy habit of bottling it all up and then exploding at some point in time. This time though, he's controlling his emotions too well despite his impulsive nature and there's still not a clue as to what's gone wrong with him. If he's staying quiet—
"It's possible that we have not done anything wrong per se… but he was still hurt by us," Otto completes Ram's thoughts. Maybe that's why he can't lash out at them. "But what exactly have we done to make him so distant?"
"The only thing Ram can think of is the Gluttony thing. Barusu was against the interrogation because he thought it was too 'cruel'." Of course, Ram doesn't agree with Subaru. What is possibly too cruel about punishing the one who put the world through such pain and misery?
"But that's a recent thing, isn't it? This started way before-" Otto pauses all of a sudden as his eyes widen.
Is he onto something? Ram watches him closely waiting for him to continue.
"Didn't this behaviour start right around the time Wrath and Gluttony escaped? Could it be connected somehow?"
Ram doesn't know. It's honestly a ridiculous conclusion to come to… if it weren't for the fact that Subaru has started to try and improve since Roy Alphard's death. Come to think of it, Beatrice has also mentioned Subaru's nightly escapades have stopped since Ram spotted him the last time.
…There's also that little slip-up in the kitchen back when the news of Roy Alphard's death arrived. Just what could he have meant by it?
That sinking feeling Ram has kept buried in the depths of her mind resurfaces again. It begins with the conversation with Otto. And then it grows with a simple conversation with Julius.
She's there in the parlour with Julius while they're waiting for Subaru and Emilia to arrive. She doesn't remember how they started talking or became unfortunate enough to discuss the Sin Archbishop of Gluttony.
"Speaking of Gluttony, I recall a rather intriguing incident that occurred recently. It seems one of the prison guards resigned, certain that the prison is haunted."
Ram raises her brow at the strange tale Julius is narrating to her. Haunted prison?
"On the night Gluttony died, he claimed to have witnessed a shadowy apparition inside and he is certain it is that hollow that killed Roy Alphard. Naturally, we believed it to be a story he conjured up in his drunken stupor and dismissed it," Julius explains and Ram doesn't get what is so interesting about the story. It is nothing more than the ramblings of a drunk man.
"And why are you telling this to Ram?"
"Because we did another examination of the Sin Archbishop's corpse. Interestingly enough, Gluttony's heart showed signs of being crushed, but there were no matching external wounds for it. It's as if his heart was crushed from within."
Ram's breath hitches. Julius seems curious to figure out the cause of these findings but Ram is filling up with dread instead. In any other situation, she would most likely have been unable to put two and two together but since she has suspected it for a while now, the first thing that pops into her is an incident that Emilia told her sometime ago—about the heart of the Sin Archbishop of Greed.
It is definitely quite a leap to associate that year old story with the current one, and it could be entirely possible that she's wrong, but…
"Don't mention this story to Barusu," Ram requests. Julius looks at her in bewilderment.
"May I ask why not? I was hoping I could get his input on the matter?"
Ram can't help but feel impressed by the reputation Subaru has built for himself. So many people trust him and value his opinions. …Why does he have to destroy all the good will he's built up with his own hands?
"He… seems to have a lot on his mind right now. His sulking face annoys Ram. Kindly refrain from giving him more work for now until his demeanour becomes more agreeable." It's not a very good excuse, but it's believable enough for Julius to break into a smile and accept it.
"I understand."
Ram feels conflicted. How would Julius feel if he knew Ram's suspicions? Would he still be so accepting?
They don't have the opportunity to discuss further as Emilia and Subaru arrive. As promised, Julius doesn't bring up the strange tale before Subaru even once.
"Barusu, did you really have nothing to do with Roy Alphard's death?" Ram bursts into his room and asks without beating around the bush any longer. She's glad Beatrice isn't here right, because the explanations are going to be a hell of a pain to deal with and she really doesn't want any more drama.
Subaru jumps up in shock and turns around. He's got the most dead look in his eyes, no different from that of a living corpse. Yet, the moment he sees Ram, it's as if a switch has flicked on inside him. He instantly summons a bright smile and cries, "What the hell, nee-sama? Are you trying to give me a heart attack!?"
Ram knits her brows. The fake smile on his face is just as infuriating as his attitude. "Don't ignore my question, Barusu!"
Subaru's eyes twitch as his smile falters. "What about Roy Alphard? Why bring him up suddenly?"
"Apparently, there were signs of his heart being crushed from the inside."
Subaru's eyes widen. "That's ridiculous! Julius didn't tell us anything like-"
"Ram asked him to keep it from you," she replies and he stares back at her in shock.
"That's too mean-spirited, even by your standards! Why are you after me? Just why do you think I did something?" He asks.
Ram closes her eyes and feels her heart thumping in her chest. She's nervous. It's also likely that Subaru is innocent and she's been accusing him for no reason. But the circumstances seem to suggest he did have something to do with it, not to mention her instincts screaming agreeing with it. She hopes he can convince her otherwise.
"Emilia-sama told me about it…" Ram pauses to catch her breath and Subaru returns a questioning look. "…About you crushing the Sin Archbishop of Greed's heart and driving it out of her chest."
Subaru gazes at her, utterly shocked, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging open. "You're telling me you connected the dots based on what I did back then!? I don't know if I should be horrified or impressed!"
He's not denying her accusations that make her heart sink even further.
"It's not just that…" There were a number of things that felt off to Ram that night she saw him go out. The time of death… it matched the time Subaru would take to get there. His clothes were dishevelled when he returned, something that wouldn't happen if he had just gone out for a walk. And the biggest red flag of all—he didn't seem the least bit surprised when Julius announced Roy Alphard's death.
"So you did do something?" Ram asks.
Subaru heaves out a tired sigh. Running his fingers through his hair, he clenches his fist, pulling out a few strands. "Yeah, I killed Roy! You happy now?" He voices out in frustration.
Ram doesn't feel the least bit of satisfaction from this. If only she hadn't seen him go out that night, maybe it wouldn't have hurt this much right now. If only she had remained ignorant to it all…
"Why…?" She asks, her voice cracks in desperation, hoping he had a very good reason for doing so.
For the first time in a while, Subaru lets his true emotions show. His face looks dead and guilt-ridden, as his dark irises drift to Ram and immediately look away.
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. You were so desperate to inflict the same pain upon the Sin Archbishop that he inflicted upon you that you couldn't even see that the torture wasn't working. It was all pointless. Roy didn't even know anything. All he said was that maybe someone else from the Witch Cult mightknow something, but even that information is unreliab-"
"Why did you kill Gluttony?" Ram repeats again, heartbroken.
Subaru looks up at her in astonishment. "Tsk!" Clicking his tongue, he averts his eyes away from her, seeming almost annoyed by incessant questioning.
"Why does it even matter if I killed a Sin Archbishop? He's scum of the-"
"ROY ALPHARD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!" Ram shouts and Subaru flinches. Technically, Roy is at the root of the matter, but that's not what Ram feels upset about. "Do you even realise what you have done? How dare you betray our trust like this!"
"...I betrayed your trust…?" He asks slowly in a shaky voice and Ram waits patiently to hear any excuses he has to say. Instead, she is greeted by the most shocking thing he's done as of yet—he laughs.
"Barusu?" Her eyes widen in horror as she stares at him, dumbfounded. It's not the joyful innocent laughter of the knight she's used to… it feels much more menacing.
"Barusu, what is so funny abo-"
"I KILLED A GODDAMN SIN ARCHBISHOP! A useless one at that and that was far more effective than any interrogation tactic you ever tried! And you say I'm the one who's wrong?" He screams at her.
At Subaru's words, Ram cannot keep quiet either. "DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT RAM CARES WHETHER THE SIN ARCHBISHOP LIVES OR DIES?" She rasps, and her voice cracks despite her trying her level best to keep her emotions under control. "YOU DIDN'T TELL US ANYTHING! YOU WENT BEHIND OUR BACKS!"
"AND SO WHAT IF I DID? Everything's better off now than before, isn't it? This is what you call a betrayal? You get to shout at me for this and yet… I'M SUPPOSED TO STAY QUIET AND JUST CARRY ON LIKE THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WORLD?"
"WHO TOLD YOU TO STAY QUIET? Don't act like you're the most tragic person in the world! Every single person you know cares about you but you… you're just shutting yourself off in some corner, refusing to speak, refusing to let anyone help you! It's like you feed off of your own misery and negative emotions! Why do you always have to punish yourself?"
"THEN WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?" He shouts, hitting his hands on the desk and standing up, making her jump back a little.
"Ram, do you have any idea what it's like to be in a situation where you wanted to scream and shout and cry and get angry but you're unable to do anything? If I can't run away, what do you want me to do? To scream, to cry, to curse everyone for my misfortune? And where do you think that road would lead me to? Nothing good has ever happened to me by doing that! How could it? None of the stuff I would say has even happened! It's not fair! It's so not fair! I start from a clean slate and I'm thrown into the dungeons, but when it's Rem or Julius or literally any other people, even Emilia, for god's sake… they are welcomed back so easily? …You know what? I get it. I know it's not personal but your hatred for the Witch Cult has made you blind! Those people had me to vouch for them but there was no one to vouch for me. Well, Reinhard was, but as always no one takes his word seriously especially after he himself admitted he didn't know who I was despite taking my side. Is having a bad smell really that damning? I hated it! For an entire year, I hated all of you so much. And you expect to go back to normal pretending like what you did to me never happened? But even then… even when everything was undone, I tried sooo hard to carry on like nothing had happened! I've kept trying to do that for so long, but the more I try, the harder it becomes. Sometimes it feels like that year has never ended. The only difference is that the cage has gotten bigger and it's my mind that's being beaten up right now. I don't want to be like this. I want to forget everything. It's all over now and I just want things to go back to normal but… I've no idea how to do that." Tears begin to escape his eyes. "Is that what you wanted to know? To expose me? To tell everyone the kind of villain I am? Well, congratulations! Go ahead! Put me back in the dungeons now and get it over with!"
Ram stares at him, taken aback with no response. His outburst is certainly the biggest blow she's had all week. He kept rambling on and on without thinking and without the context for his words, Ram could make neither head nor tail of the situation. All that escapes her lips is, "Barusu… was your name ever eaten by Gluttony…?"
As far as Ram remembers, she cannot recall such an incident ever happening. Did he dream of it? Was it because of the Sin Archbishops somehow? Emilia did tell them that one of the Witch Cultists could make them see stuff that wasn't there… something that even Subaru was unaware of. Did he fall into such a trap?
A new emotion finds its way onto Subaru's face—namely, fear. His eyes widen. He's sweating profusely, and there's a slight tremor in his hands, he starts breathing heavily and falls to his knees… almost like he's having a panic attack. Ram panics and bends down, worried about what's going on with him.
"Barusu, what's wrong!? What's happen-"
He coughs as she's asking and then she notices a small trail of blood, dripping down his chin from his mouth. He's clutching his chest as if there's something wrong with his heart.
Ram screams at him, trying to figure out what's wrong but Subaru isn't even listening to her in the first place. She strokes his back trying to calm him down.
When he finally calms down, he looks up, wiping the blood off his mouth. "Just a warning this time…?" he whispers.
"Barusu, are you alright?" Ram asks.
Subaru turns his gaze to her. "You're alright!" He exclaims as lets out a breath of relief.
"Why would anything happen to Ram?" She asks, inclining her head in confusion.
He stays silent and takes the hand she's using to stroke his back in his. "Ram, maybe you're right… I really do feed off of my own misery. But I suppose it's the best punishment for me… for destroying this peace."
The next thing she knows, he lets go of her hand, stands up and walks away, all while the raging storm in her head just… disappears. First, she was sad, then she was angry and then she was worried. Now she feels nothing and she's confused.
She tries to recollect everything that happened… that's strange. Why was she angry? Wasn't it because he had ■■■■■■ ■■■? No matter how hard she tries, her memories from the past few minutes are a blur. It's as if her anger itself has been swallowed up and with it the cause as well, leaving nothing but confusion in its wake. What did Subaru do?
As she's trying to sort her own feelings out, "NO, STOP!" she hears a scream. Not Subaru's. It's a female voice… Emilia?
She rushes out of Subaru's room to see Emilia collapse on the floor, with the most heartbroken look she's ever had. Ram runs to help her and Emilia instantly begins crying in her arms.
"Emilia-sama, what's wrong?"
"I-I…" she sobs. "I don't know. I… confessed to Subaru…" she answers. That's not something Ram needs to know or even wants to know. But it feels like there's more that Emilia is keeping from her. But even with this much information, Ram is certain that Subaru is not in the right state of mind to be able to accept a confession.
"I confessed," Emilia says once again, clearer this time and as Ram had assumed, "and he ran away."