Chapter 34: Yuffie's Four Mistakes
July 6, 0011
Zack Fair sat on the couch with his shirt off. It had been a rough day. WRO headquarters was now in ruin. Shalua was in a coma she might never come out of. And, to top it all off, the world might be coming to an end.
Again.
Realizing there was nothing to do about it at the moment, he did the only thing he could do.
He turned on the television.
"I guess this is my destiny," a wedding-gown-clad Danica Downing said to her twin brother, Dane. "I'll miss you!"
She hugged him good-bye.
It then cut to Dirk walking her down the aisle.
"Take care of my daughter," he said as he shook Hiram's hand.
"I promise I won't let her down," Hiram assured him.
"Enjoy your life in the kitchen, popping kid after kid out," sighed Zack.
He changed the channel.
A scantly-clad blonde girl was interviewing a guy.
"Kiss or slap?" she asked.
"Ooh, slap!" the guy said with a grin.
The blonde turned her butt toward the guy with a ditzy giggle, and waited.
Just then, the guy's girlfriend marched up to the blonde and smacked her in the face.
"Stay away from my boyfriend!" she hissed.
"Well, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes," Zack sighed.
He changed the channel.
A five-year-old girl was petting a sad-looking Scottish terrier that was sitting on her lap.
"Awwww, poor Putty," she said. "Everybody says your butt stinks!"
Just then, a ripping sound came from Putty's butt.
"Ew! Eeeew! Putty has gas!" cried the girl. "Ew! Mommy!"
"Well, who didn't see that coming?" sighed Zack.
He changed the channel.
A man wearing striped clothes was singing a song while a woman wearing a nude-colored latex bikini was twerking against him.
"Educational program," sighed Zack.
He turned off the television.
Just then, Yuffie entered the room.
Zack was somewhat curious, as she was wearing a navy blue tank top and a pair of skinny jeans, as if she planned to go somewhere.
"You're planning to sit on your butt watching TV all day?" she inquired with her arms folded.
"Maybe," Zack replied.
Yuffie immediately grabbed him and yanked him off the couch.
"Let's go," she commanded.
"Go?" Zack inquired. "Where?"
"You'll know when you get there," she replied. "I have a surprise for you."
LATER…
Lucrecia passed the Zack's prison cell as she noticed something different about its occupant, who had since showered and changed into her orange jumpsuit.
"You're blond?" she inquired.
"The red was just spray," Rosso answered. "This is what I actually look like."
Lucrecia found it strange. She looked like a completely different person.
And there was something else. Something that had always been different about her.
"Something else I noticed," Lucrecia began. "How come you have an accent and can speak a foreign language, but none of the other Tsviets can?"
Rosso was silent.
"You're not really a Tsviet, are you?" she continued. "Or at least you weren't born one."
"Zaymis' svoimi grebanymi delami!" Rosso snapped.
Lucrecia slowly backed away.
LATER…
Zack and Yuffie had parked their car in a parking garage, and had spent the last few minutes on a conveyor belt, when they suddenly beheld a huge plaza.
"What is this place?!" Zack exclaimed.
"Eastern Winds Resort," Yuffie replied. "The Eastern Continent's response to Gold Saucer. This is the Promenade. To the left is Lands of Enchantment. To the right is Movie Land. Two amusement parks in one. My treat."
Zack was speechless.
"Why?" he asked.
"Can't a girl spoil her guy every now and then?" Yuffie asked with a flirty wink. "We'll go to the parks, and then check out the shops afterward. Sounds good?"
"Sounds good," Zack agreed.
"Perfect!" Yuffie said as she took his hand and led the way.
LATER….
Reeve sat alone on his bed when a knock sounded the door.
"Come in," he sighed, as he was not really in the mood for company.
A moment later, the door opened, and Sage appeared in the doorway.
"Daddy!" the fourteen-year-old girl cried as she ran to and threw her arms around him.
"Reeve!" called Parker from the doorway, who then did the same.
"Are you hurt?" Sage asked.
"I'll recover," Reeve assured her. "At least physically."
"What's wrong?" Parker asked.
"I failed," Reeve sighed. "Deepground ransacked our headquarters. Shalua's in a coma and she doesn't have much of a chance."
"I also heard Rosso the Crimson was captured," Parker added.
"Yeah," said Sage. "She doesn't look very crimson anymore."
Reeve sighed and rolled his shoulders; his husband and daughter did have a point.
"Think positive, daddy," Sage assured Reeve as she hugged him again. "Good things are bound to happen if you keep trying."
LATER…
Zack and Yuffie had explored Movie Land. They had gone on a shooter ride, and a couple of roller coasters.
Now they stood at the newest addition to the park; it was the most unique one.
"Romina Ronkin's Midgar Mayhem," Yuffie said aloud.
Below was a warning in red: FOR ADULTS ONLY.
"This has to be good," Zack said.
"I heard about this," Yuffie added. "It's definitely not for kids."
The crowd was led through a hall resembling a radio studio before reaching the a screen, which lit up, and Romina Ronkin appeared on it.
"Greetings, dicks and pussies," she said.
The audience laughed.
"I would say get your asses onto the ride, but the law says I have to give you these warnings," Romina continued. "If you're pregnant, get the fuck out of here. If you have a heart condition or motion sickness, get the fuck out of here. If you've had recent surgery, get the fuck out of here. If you're under eighteen….naughty naughty! But I'll book a night with you on your eighteenth birthday. Okay, also, no photography or videography, and I mean it. You take pictures or video, and you're cleaning out my toilet! Got it? Then get your asses on the ride!"
The video ceased, and the screen went blank.
The crowd was then led into the room, with the ride, and a screen.
"It's one of those virtual rides," Yuffie observed.
Zack then noticed the seats.
They were open toilets.
"Are we supposed to pull our pants down?" he asked.
"I highly doubt it," Yuffie giggled.
Everyone sat on the toilets and buckled their seatbelts.
On the screen, Romina Ronkin drove by in a convertible with a suspiciously phallic shape.
"This runs on the power of queef gas!" she announced as the ride began to move, seemingly following the convertible.
First, it led them through Wall Market, as well as through the Honeybee Inn, seemingly disrupting a few intimate acts.
Then, it led everyone to the surface, driving through a water treatment plant and knocking all the workers into the sewage.
Artificial stink was somehow produced, causing several riders to gag.
The convertible then hit a bump, and flew right into the air, crashing into the Shinra Building and landing in the board room.
Rufus was alone at the table, or so he appeared to be, until a blonde prostitute raised herself from under the table.
"As you were, baby," he said.
"Okay, Mr. President!" the hooker exclaimed before disappearing below the table again.
The car then backed out of the Shinra Building and landed on the street.
At this point, Romina got out of the car.
"Well hope you enjoyed riding with me," she said. "Now to ride my boyfriend."
With that, she happily trotted offscreen.
LATER…
Zack and Yuffie had spent another five hours in Movie Land before heading over to Lands of Enchantment.
They went straight to the Sorcerers of Volvaga, where they got in line for the Flight from Hell.
"This is the one ride I've never been on," Yuffie said.
A couple of hours later, Zack and Yuffie were at the ride.
"It's a motorcycle?" Zack inquired.
"You got it," Yuffie replied.
He took a look, and noticed the front seat was smaller than the back; he knew exactly what that meant.
"You get to ride bitch," Yuffie informed him.
Zack got on first, sitting in the back seat.
Yuffie sat in front, pressing her skinny-jean-covered butt against Zack.
"Don't get horny," she warned him. "I heard there's a lot of stops and gos."
"No promises," Zack replied. "But can we have sex tonight?"
"Only if you don't scream on the ride," Yuffie replied with a wink.
The motorcycle started slowly down the track. It moved around a bend and then began to ascending the lift hill.
Don't scream, Zack thought to himself.
The motorcycle continued up the lift hill.
Don't scream, Zack again reminded himself. Not if you want to get into Yuffie's pants tonight.
The motorcycle reached the top.
Zack peered over.
This isn't so steep, he realized. I don't know why the-
Suddenly, the motorcycle zoomed backward at lightning speed.
Zack immediately clenched his teeth to avoid making a sound.
Meanwhile, Yuffie was enjoying the thrill.
"Woot!" she yelled in delight as she raised her arms in the air.
The motorcycle then zoomed forward, switching to a different track. This was followed by a banked turn.
Don't scream, Zack reminded himself. Not a sound!
The motorcycle made a few more banked turns and then came to a stop.
A giant tarantula was on the track.
Zack had a severe case of arachnophobia.
It's fake, he assured himself. Cheap theme park animatronics.
"I guess we can only go backward again," Zack observed.
Suddenly, the motorcycle dropped freely.
Zack bit his lip shut again.
The motorcycle landed and accelerated one more time before coming to a complete stop.
It's over, Zack thought. I made it.
And then, the motorcycle's check engine light switched on.
Zack screamed.
LATER…
The Promenade was where all the shops and restaurants were. There was even a movie theater there.
They stopped in a disco, where they (mostly Yuffie) danced amongst the strobe lights for an hour.
After that, they got ice cream, and began to make their way back to the parking lot.
"I really had fun tonight," Zack complimented as he finished his cone. "Thanks for taking me."
"Don't mention it," Yuffie replied as she finished her own cone and took his arm. "You deserve it."
Zack was silent; he was not quite sure what she meant about that.
"I think I've really grown up this year," Yuffie continued. "And it's all thanks to you."
She then pulled out her phone, and opened a document that was titled "Four Mistakes."
"There's four mistakes I'm out to correct on this mission," Yuffie began.
MISTAKE 1: Acting Immature
"Acting immature?" Zack read aloud.
"Mainly toward you," she began as she kissed him on the cheek. "I've known you since I was nine, and I've played you up a lot ever since."
Zack stroked her hair.
"You realize, of course," he replied, "that it's what eventually brought us together."
Yuffie nodded.
"I think I've corrected it," she continued. "I mean, I'm nineteen, but I've been acting like I'm twenty-nine or older."
She then scrolled down.
MISTAKE 2: Stealing the Materia
"That was a pain in everyone's ass," Yuffie admitted. "You heard about the time I lured everyone to Wutai?"
"I did," Zack replied. "And how it left a notorious sex offender dead. Plus, I don't thing we'd be friends with the former Turks if that didn't happen. Oh yeah, and Tifa would still be a stone statue."
"I suppose I can cross this off," Yuffie admitted. "I haven't done it in three years anyway."
She scrolled down again.
MISTAKE 3: Falling Out with Dad
"You fell out with your dad?!" Zack exclaimed in surprise. "When was this?"
"Since I was one," she replied. "When he refused to allow the Mako Reactor and started the WRSA."
"The WRSA?" Zack asked.
"The War to Resist Shinra Aggression," Yuffie replied. "That's what we call it in Wutai. But I really hated him starting when I was ten. We lost the war and he was a coward about it."
"He seemed okay when I met him," Zack said.
"We both felt the tension," she insisted.
"Will you see him again soon?" he then asked.
"He'll be at the wedding," Yuffie replied. "I guess I can talk to him beforehand."
"Cid and Shera's wedding?" Zack inquired.
"Why are you surprised?" she asked. "Your parents are going. So is Tifa's dad. And her daughter. Tobin's parents will be there, too. It's one big reunion."
"Wow," said Zack.
Yuffie then became mysteriously quiet.
She took a deep breath, and scrolled down again.
MISTAKE 4:
Zack noticed that she mysteriously left that one blank.
"What's mistake #4?" Zack asked.
Yuffie looked down, almost as if she was troubled.
"Tell you later," she replied.
Zack scratched his head.
"Tell me later?!"
Yuffie raised her head and gave him a sad smile.
"Tell you later," she repeated. "When this mission's over."
She then placed her hand on his cheek and kissed him.
"Aishitemasu," she said with moist eyes.
It was one of the few things from her native language that she had taught him; it meant "I love you."
"I love you, too," Zack replied.
He pressed his lips against hers.
Their tongues soon met, and rolled over each other passionately.
"Watashi o hakon de," she commanded.
Zack knew what that meant as well; he picked her up and began to carry her.
"Watashi no shiri ni te o oite kudasai," she commanded.
Zack put his hands on her butt through her jeans.
Yuffie kissed him passionately again.
"Kon'ya, watashitachiha kono kuni de nanika ihōna koto o shite imasu," she said.
"What does that mean?" Zack asked.
"You'll find out," she replied with a grin.
They got to the belt, whereupon Zack had to put her down; they settled for holding hands from that point onward.
"I wonder how Cloud and Tifa are doing," Yuffie said before stepping onto the belt.
THE STUFF THAT MIGHT HAVE GONE UNNOTICED...
Eastern Winds is a clear parody of Universal Orlando. Romina Ronkin's Midgar Mayhem is a parody of Race through New York, and Flight From Hell is a parody of the Hagrid Ride.