JPOV
"Tell me again why you're huddled up on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around with a tub of ice cream crying?" Maria said standing with her hands on her hips. I almost expected her to start tapping her feet and pointing at me like a child.
Maria was my saving grace after my, oh so fucking wonderful display of jealously when I got in from work.
It ate at me like I never thought it could. He was now out there fucking some random guy having a blast and I want him.
Congratulations, you have finally admitted it. Give yourself a big pat on the back; it's only taken you how long? Fuck off.
The thought made me feel sick. I wanted my male best fucking friend and it scared the fucking shit out of me.
How could I seriously want him?
I wasn't gay. I didn't find any guy attractive except Edward.
I was so fucking confused with what all this meant. I didn't even know if he wanted me, if he had even the remotest of feelings towards me or whether I was just some notch on his bedpost.
I looked back up at Maria standing there looking down at me.
My face screwed up slightly as I cried again. I never fucking cried, never! I shed a few tears over Alice when we broke up, but I did not under any way, shape, or form sit and sob like a baby.
I was turning into a fucking girl!
"Because he is out on a date and I'm...I'm..." I trailed. I could admit these things in my head, that was fine, but opening my mouth and letting the words come out wasn't so easy.
"You're?" She motioned with her hands for me to continue. "Come on, Jasper, spit it out." She waited for me to say it. If I said it then surely that makes it real. I was not sure I wanted it to be real yet.
"He doesn't care. I was a notch on his bedpost, nothing else." I mumbled before spooning another mouth full of chocolate chip ice cream in my mouth.
"And you know this how?" She was still standing and raised an eyebrow at me. "You haven't even asked him. You don't know what he is thinking or feeling. For all you know he might want you and you're pussy footing around like this isn't going to sort it out." She sat down next to me and took the tub of ice cream off me plus the spoon which was midway to my mouth.
"How can I? I'm not gay." She giggled and looked at me placing her hand on my knee.
"You don't have to be gay to be with a man. Being gay is finding just men attractive. Being bi is finding both men and women attractive. When you find that person with that spark it doesn't matter what you are, you're going to want that person. That Jasper is you. You felt that spark with Edward. You know that the connection between you two with that spark is good and powerful, bringing you together. It just so happens that Edward is a man and not a woman. If he was a woman we wouldn't be sitting here now." I rested my head on the back of the sofa as my head started spinning.
"So what does that make me then?" I asked. She patted my knee and sighed, bringing her hand in mine.
"That doesn't matter. You're so wound up over what you are and what you were and now how you fit in the world, but it doesn't matter. You found your one, the person who was made and built just for you, what that makes you is lucky." Her soft tone made me think that maybe I had just been worrying over something that really doesn't matter.
"Jasper, admit that you're jealous, it's the first step." She rubbed my knee and looked at me.
"I'm jealous." I whispered out, making her smile. "But I like women. Come on, Maria, you know my rep in the office. This morning I was checking out the new temp, thinking of ways to get her in bed. Fuck, I even joked with Edward when I came in about it, until..." I stopped again, this was way too much now, and I had already admitted I was jealous. I wasn't going to do it again and again.
"And when you found out he was going on a date you became jealous and realised that you wanted to be the one out on the date with him, right?" She asked I nodded my head.
"So now what then? I still don't know if I really know what I want. I'm still confused." She sighed and looked at me, pulling her hair over the side.
"If Edward felt it then maybe his going out tonight was to try and forget about it. Remember as far as he knows you regret
the whole night with him, just talk to him. It seems like you and him haven't actually talked at all, more brushed around the subject." She wandered off taking the tub of ice cream with her.
I grumbled more to myself than to anyone else. I wanted my fucking ice cream. I wanted to sit and sulk, and fill my face with crap while feeling sorry for myself because I was jealous. If women can sit and sulk and do this sort of shit then why the fuck can't I?
"Right Jasper, my bet is he will be back before the clock hits midnight." She flung her bag over her shoulder and looked at me.
"More like midday tomorrow after fucking all night." She shook her head at me. "What?" I asked.
"Think positive, not negative, a fiver says he'll be back before midnight. I expect to see you tomorrow, bye, darling." She patted my head like you would a dog when you're telling it to be good and left.
I lay back down and looked at the clock, it was already nine. He wouldn't be back because he was busy getting laid, fucking some guy named Mike. What sort of name is that? Yeah, because Jasper is so much better. Shag off.
Did he care about me in that way? I trusted him when he said that he had never thought of me in that way.
After living with him for these years it would be hard to kind of keep that little bit of information to yourself. The fucking tent in the trousers would give it away.
And I've walked around this house in towels dripping wet after a shower, just my boxers. That sort of thing and he never, not once showed any sign what so ever of being turned on.
But now he had been avoiding me. He was always at the club and tonight was the first night he had had off in what, a month? Surely if he wasn't avoiding me, then he would have had a night off other than tonight to go out and get laid?
I know I had had a few moments when eyebrows would have been raised if he had seen it.
Maybe he did want me.
After my wonderful little remark of taking his man cherry he left the house faster than he would have done if it was on fire. Even now I couldn't believe that I had come out with that.
Did I really want to fuck Edward? Surely if we got together then that would be fair, wouldn't it? You're actually thinking about having a relationship with him?
No... I mean yes... I don't know.
Did all gay men have this sort of confusion? No wait, in fact did anyone ever go through this sort of confusion or was it just fucking me?
Still lying on the sofa as my eyes continued their stupid little attack of tears I heard the front door shut.
Edward was home, he was back before I even thought he would be. Fuck, I now owed Maria a fucking fiver.
"Jazz?" He called as he came into the living room.
My head snapped to him wiping my face. Fuck, he would see I had been crying.
"Hey, have a good night with...whatever his name was?" I asked pulling myself up to a sitting position.
"No, it was a nightmare. Jazz, why are you crying? Has something happened?" He asked sitting on the coffee table in front of me. Inwardly I smiled and then slapped myself for it. I couldn't be thinking this sort of shit. I nodded my head at him. "You can tell me, Jazz. You know that, right?" I nodded as I felt my bottom lip tremble. Oh, fuck it. Maybe if I just throw it all out there my confusion will stop.
"Give me the answers to all of this please. I'm so fucking confused, Edward. Fuck, this isn't right." I grumbled out. "I was fucking jealous, jealous of you going out on a date, and not because you were having a date and not me, but because you were going out with someone else and that someone else wasn't me. Tell me what that fucking means, and while you're at it tell me what it means when I think of you I get fucking hard, tell me what that shock waves were when I was with you. Tell me why I have gone from straight and knowing what I want to..." I trailed and sucked in a deep breath looking at him.
Shock ran across his face. I stared at him waiting for him to give me something, some sort of answer, anything. Just something that would make me feel better, less confused than what I did now.
"I don't know, what do you want?" He whispered out. I wiped my hand over my face and looked at him.
"You... I think. Shit Edward, tell me you felt that funny buzz fuzzy feeling when we were together. Tell me you... you want me." I whispered out. He blinked a few times and frowned slightly.
"Yeah, I felt it." He said looking at the floor and not at me. "Jazz, you're confused right now." He stated.
True, I was. I was very confused by everything, but he didn't answer my question.
"So you're rejecting me?" I asked just staring at him. He shook his head at me.
"I'm not. You want the truth from me?" He asked. Nodding I shifted slightly on the sofa.
"I've thought about you all the time since our night together, but Jasper I'm not about to walk into something and be some fucking toy for you to play with." He clasped his hands together resting his elbows on his knees.
"All I know right now is that I feel this feeling and it pulls me towards you. I don't know what that means. I don't understand what I'm going through or what I am or anything. I think about you, about our night and it turns me on, Edward. The thought of another man makes me feel sick, but the thought of you doesn't." He rubbed his chin and looked at me, he smiled slightly.
"This is truly fucked up, isn't it?" He asked making me laugh.
"It is, very fucked up. Edward... can we... I don't know, explore this?" He looked at me and thought for a second.
"Explore? As in me be your experiment? Jazz, if that's what you want then that won't happen. I get that you're confused and this is all new to you being with a man, and if you want to see where this leads then fine, but I won't be an experiment for you." That was great, all fine and fucking dandy, but now what?
"I don't want you to be an experiment, as you said though this all new to me. I'm still unsure of what everything all means, but I think I want to see where this leads." I answered what I thought was honesty.
"You think?" He asked. Okay, maybe that wasn't the right word to use. You don't fucking say.
"I want to see where this leads... that is unless you don't." He smiled and carefully placed his hand over mine.
I gasped as the current hit me again.
"I want to. Jasper, can you do this? I'm not about to drag you off to bed or anything and I don't want anything to happen while we're drunk. We'll take our time, but can you do this, as in all of it?" He pulled his hand away and moved to sit next to me.
Could I do this? I knew he meant the whole side of a relationship, being out together in public, with our friends and our families, could I really do all of that?
As far as everyone knows I was god's gift to women.
Shit, if I had to fill the house with the amount of women I've been through the walls would fucking break. I wouldn't know unless I tried.
Fuck, I still didn't really know if I could be with Edward.
"Um... yeah." I answered unsure if being truthful was the right way to go. Sometimes a little bending of the truth was so much better.
"Will... will you kiss me?" I suddenly felt so fucking nervous. He smiled and leant slowly in towards me.
I instantly backed up from him.
"Jazz?" He asked. I sucked in a breath feeling every muscle in me tremble with fucking nerves.
"I... I don't know how to kiss a man." I whispered making him laugh at me.
I frowned. Well, other than kissing Edward a few weeks back when I was drunk I have never kissed a man, only a woman.
"Jazz, it's just the same. There isn't any different style, and besides you seemed to handle it well the other week." I nodded at him.
I could do this. I wanted this, didn't I?
I had asked him for this, all he was doing was giving me what I asked for.
Sucking in another deep breath I smiled and quickly moved forward brushing my lips against his for just a fraction of a second before pulling back.
He cocked an eyebrow at me.
"That was pathetic, Jazz." He chuckled out. Okay, I had to admit it was pretty pathetic.
"Come here." His hand cupped the side of my face as he leant forward, his lips met mine gently. I was shocked by how soft his lips were.
Our lips moved together, they felt on fire against his, moving wonderfully and perfectly in sync.
I moaned as his tongue ran along the bottom of my lips. Opening my mouth I felt his tongue explore my mouth as my hands went into his hair.
I had this strange feeling of feeling complete.
It scared the shit out of me.
Before I was ready he pulled away and smiled at me, leaving my head spinning and light-headed.
"That... um... shit." I got out breathlessly. He chuckled and looked at me. "It really was no different, not really." He chuckled again.
"Wait till you kiss me when I haven't shaved." That thought had never run though my head. I would know what all the women I've kissed were moaning at. "Night Jasper, I'll see you in the morning." He smiled and got up leaving me sitting there with my thoughts.
Had I really just come out with all of that? Admitting I was jealous, asking for us to explore all of this; that I had actually asked him to kiss me?
What the hell was I really thinking? I don't think I was thinking when I came out with all of that shit.
I think I just followed my heart and what it was telling me to do.
My heart wanted me to follow the electrical current, my heart wanted me to feel complete by being with Edward, but all of this scared me.
The morning rolled round and with it brought doubt.
I had never pictured myself wanting a man, or being with a man, living with a man in a relationship. I had always pictured marriage and children and a beautiful wife.
I wanted children. I couldn't have any of that with Edward, could I? I wanted to explore this feeling I got with Edward, but I didn't want to pass up my dreams of one day being a father, a real father to my own flesh and blood, not through adoption. I wanted a little me.
I wouldn't get those things with Edward, would I?
Also the whole being in a same sex relationship scared me.
I had seen abuse thrown at Edward if he brought his boyfriend out with us when we all went out, the strange looks he got if he was holding his boyfriend's hand or the remarks he would get if he kissed him.
I had seen Edward come home bloody after getting into a fight because he was gay.
Edward had taken self defense2016er class not long after he decided he was coming out in order to be able to protect himself if he ever got into any trouble.
Could I handle that sort of shit? Fuck no.
I liked being able to be open with the person I was with and not have to deal with strange looks or anything.
Edward passed them off as nothing and just ignored them. He said it was something you just got used too, but I didn't think I could do that. I didn't think I would be able to be outside and handle hearing the remarks and seeing the strange looks, but Edward had said we wouldn't rush anything so I take it that also classed for going out and about in public, right?
Pulling my suit jacket on I walked down the stairs smelling the smell of fresh coffee fill the house, Edward was up then.
Fiddling with my tie I walked in.
He sat at the table reading the morning paper, his thin framed glasses resting on his nose. He looked up at me over the rim of his glasses and smiled.
"Morning, Jazz." His soft silky voice hit my ears. I smiled at him and went to go and pour myself a coffee from the filter.
Pouring the coffee out I felt Edward snake his arm around my waist making me gasp and jump knocking the coffee over the sides.
"Fuck, Edward." I gasped out feeling his lips softly kiss my neck; trails of fire hit my skin making me feel weak.
"Good morning." He whispered against my skin. I could feel the smile on his lips touching me, before breaking apart and sitting himself back down.
"I wasn't expecting that." I choked out turning around and resting my back on the side of the counter top.
"You were expecting what? I said slowly, not nonexistent." He muttered turning his head back to his paper.
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I was just shocked. You took me by surprise, that's all." Trying to fix the problem I walked over to him and crushed my lips hard against his. I shocked myself by pushing his lips apart with my tongue. Edward moaned into the kiss pulling me closer to him. I broke the kiss and smiled against his lips.
"Now that is how you say good morning." I smirked and sat down; a warm flushed smile was on his face as he looked at me.
"So you're still sure you want this then?" He asked turning the page of the paper over and not looking at me.
Part of me was happy he was second guessing things between us, but part of me was hurt that he hadn't believed me when I said I wanted us to explore this between us.
Then again I hadn't really been that clear and had used a lot of 'I think' in it all, and there was so much of me that was still so unsure, but I needed to find out. I couldn't handle the confusion and the not knowing any more.
Edward stood up folding the paper in half and left it on the table. I noticed he was in shorts and a hooded jumper.
He caught me looking at him, and smirked making me flush slightly.
"I'm off for a run. I'll see you tonight." He flashed a smile and wandered away, the front door slammed behind him moments later.
With everything that had happened I didn't really and truly know what he wanted. He had guarded that from me last night.
Was he keeping it back because he didn't want to rush me or confuse me any more than I already was?
I wanted to know what he wanted, what he wanted from this. I wanted to know how this whole male relationship worked. I didn't have a clue.
Maybe that made me sound thick, but gay relationships weren't really my strong point, and I had never really paid much attention to any relationship he had ever had.
If this actually went somewhere, how the fuck would I tell my parents? They liked Edward, never had a problem with him being gay, but how would they really feel about their own son being in a relationship with a man?
I had been there when Edward had told his parents. His mother cried and asked if he was sure, his father didn't speak during the whole time, listening to everything Edward and his mother had said.
When Edward finally broke down feeling that his family was rejecting him, his father had very calmly walked over to his son, placed a hand on his shoulder and said, 'if that makes you happy, then I'm happy.'
Would my own father be like that? I doubted it.
Edward's mother came round after the news set in that her only child was never going to bring a woman home, accepted her son with open arms. He had been lucky. I had seen some of his friends come here after coming out to their families and it going all wrong.
Would mine be like that? Would they disown me because I was in a relationship with a man?
Texting Maria I told her she had won her bet and I would pay her tomorrow, and would she mind covering my back today as I had done it so many times for her on a Monday after one of her weekend benders. Maria had no choice to but to cover, she knew if she didn't her three day weekends would soon disappear.
"Jasper? I thought you had gone to work." Edward called all sweaty from his run. I watched as he pulled off the hooded jumper he had on to reveal a T-shirt that was clinging to him like another layer of skin.
"Yeah, I was. I called in a favour. I need to ask you a few things." He nodded and walked into the kitchen opening the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water.
One of Edward's little habits was bottled water, the water filter would do at a push, but never from the tap, and if it was from the tap, it was the bathroom tap as he said it tasted better.
What the fuck, isn't water, water? No matter if it has come from the tap downstairs or the one upstairs?
It boggled the mind.
"What sort of things?" He asked a little out of breath and necking the water bottle like it was going out of fashion.
"Okay, I have a few questions, so I'll do the hardest one first. What do you want? Truthfully, I want to know what it is you're after here, what you want from me." I played with the edge of the paper as I waited. I wanted to look at his face, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
"You. I want you, and all that comes with it." I opened and closed my mouth like a goldfish in a bowl. "Jazz, don't look so freaked out. You wanted to know what I wanted and I answered your question." Shaking my head to try and remove the shock from me I looked at him.
He smiled playfully at me and touched my hand. I pulled it back and watched as his face fell slightly.
"Sorry, I...what do you do in a relationship with a man?" Edward laughed at me, his eyes almost running with tears. I blinked; surely it wasn't that much of a stupid question was it?
"Jasper, tell me the things you do in a relationship with a woman?" He chuckled out. I frowned, was he not getting this was hard for me? That this man on man thing was all new to me?
"Dinner, movies, cuddles, touches, kisses, holding hands, fucking, that sort of thing." He cocked an eyebrow at me and smirked.
"Jazz, think about your own question and then think about the answer you have just given me, I know you're not this stupid. Everything is the same; it's just a man on the other side and not a woman." He ran his fingers over his lips and looked at me. "Jasper, I know this is all new and confusing for you, but if you want us to explore this then don't back away from me if I try and touch you. I'm not about to push anything on you or rush you into anything, but I would like to be able to touch you if I want to, have a cuddle now and then, maybe take you out?"
"I'm scared of all of this, Edward, so fucking scared of what this all means. I do want to find out, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have any doubts about this, about us." This I really didn't want to share with him, but I had figured that he was the best person to help me through all this.
His hand reached again slowly and carefully touched the top of my hand, tracing patterns on my skin and setting it on fire.
"You're not the only one with doubts, Jasper. I don't want to lose my best friend over this and I know if it goes wrong, I will. But this feeling I get touching your skin... I wonder if this is really going to go somewhere and I want to find out. I'm willing to take that gamble, risk the years I have know you for, for something great. What doubts do you have about this? Or us?" He asked me as I lifted my fingers up touching the palm of his hand.
"Being out in public, our friends, what people might think. How we will act on a date, that sort of thing." He smiled at me.
"Okay Jazz, truthfully the idea of keeping everything all secret and locked up is not for me. I don't mind keeping things under wraps for a while and not being public about us, but I only see that short term. For the time being when we're out and about I won't do anything, same as when we go on a date, it's your call. Everything will be up to you, but as I said it's short term. As for our friends, they will be fine. They never freaked out over me and I doubt they will about you and as for what other people think, fuck them." He laced his fingers through mine; it didn't feel weird like I thought it might, it felt right, like it should always be like that.
"How about on Saturday night we go out on a date? We'll go to the movies or to dinner, or if you like we could just go to the pub." He sat back on the chair stretching his arm so our fingers didn't break.
"A date? How... everyone... I don't know." He chuckled at me.
"Jasper, we have gone out before and it has never bothered you. No one will think anything, it will just be the same as it has always been, it's just we will know the difference. So can I take you out?" He asked, the smouldering green of his eyes looking at me. I nodded my head making him smile. I could do that. After all we had been out countless times and he said he wouldn't do anything and it was all up to me when we were out. Maybe a date might be a step in the right direction.
"What about the future? Like my parents knowing? And I don't want to give up my dreams Edward and for you I will have too." I mumbled out.
"Jazz, your parents don't need to know anything and if we do get to that point I will be there with you. What dreams will you have to give up? You don't have to give anything up, whatever dreams you're chasing I will stand by you." I snorted and looked at him.
"Really? I want a family, Edward. At some point in my life I will want that and the last time I went to school two men never equalled a baby. I want to get married and have that wonderful family life. I can't have that with a man." He frowned slightly, pulling his hand away.
"You mean you want a wife and a mother to your children?" I nodded my head. Well that's what I did want, one day.
"Sorry." I heard him sigh. As I looked at him I saw his emotions running through his face as he rubbed his forehead.
"Don't be, but it's not as crystal as you think, its not all or nothing. You can have a husband instead of a wife, and you can still have children, you use a donor and a surrogate, or you adopt." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"To tell you the truth, I don't think this will work, fuzzy feeling or no fuzzy feeling." He turned his head away from me. I sat there shocked, so now he was pulling out on this? What the fuck?
"Why?" I whispered out, shocked that out of the two of us he would pull away from this when I thought it would be me.
"Because you say one thing and then change your tune the next. You do one thing then pull away from me when I try and touch your hand. I'm understanding, but you're playing with me. It's like you're trying to figure everything out in one go before you set off. It's never going to work like that. If you want me, if you want to give this a go, then stop with the trying to work everything out. I'll answer your questions the best I can, but don't give off mixed signals to me, don't play with me like this. It's not fair." He left the room, giving me time to think about things.
If this was a woman, I wouldn't be acting like this. I would already be there, wanting cuddles and kisses and not giving a flying fuck about what anybody thought of it, but because it was Edward, a man, I couldn't move and do those things.
I wanted to touch him, kiss him, and have cuddles, but it all scared me.
My body told me what it wanted. It battled against me when I switched my mind two minutes later when I suddenly doubted everything.
My body screamed at me to fucking move my ass off the chair and go and find him.
He needed the reassurance just as much as I did, it was completely new to me, but to him this was a new relationship. I tried to think how I would feel if I was getting these mixed signals in a new relationship that was less then a day old.
I wouldn't like it and I would feel like I was being played with, with their one minute I'll kiss you, the next I'll snatch my hand away if you try and touch me.
Edward was just doing what anyone would do, he was protecting himself.
I had wanted to explore this, I asked him for this last night.
I needed to suck it up and follow through with what I asked for. I needed to face the fear and relax myself around him in our home. I wasn't being rushed for the outside world.
He had made it clear what he was willing to do, the least I could do was try and relax when we were in our home, and not think about things, or the confusion I may have.
With this in mind I headed up the stairs towards his room.
Tapping on the door I opened it without hearing him shout me in. He turned his head to me for just a second before turning it back and looking at the ceiling. His right knee was bent resting his foot on the bed with his hands behind his head.
I crept across the floor slowly, making my way to where he lay on his king-sized bed.
As I reached him I touched his knee before crawling next to him resting my head on his shoulder and placing my arm over his chest.
He sucked in a shaky breath before bringing his arms around me, giving me a gentle squeeze. The sparks flew off us, as the current ran fast through my body.
I let out a contended sigh, and felt happier right now than I had since this mess started. I twisted my body allowing me to be able to lift my head and look at him. He smiled pushing the hair off my face and then gave me a kiss.
"I won't rush you, but I want more of this." His hands rested on my lower back.
None if it felt weird. I was relaxed, so fucking relaxed in his arms. It scared me and shocked me at just how relaxed his arms could make me feel.
I just needed to remember there was no rush.
"I know you won't and you can have more of this." I leant in and captured his soft lips with mine again. I could feel the slight stubble rubbing against my skin. I liked it more than I ever thought I would.
"So where are you taking me on Saturday?" He smiled a true smile that lit his whole face up making his eyes dance.