EPOV
Sunday morning brought a whole load of crap its way, or more my way.
My life had never been this complex. I hated how this was, and hated how Jasper would just switch with me.
The whole date had been a complete fucking disaster. Never before has he had a problem being out seen with me, but Sunday it's some great big problem that he can't seem to sort out.
It's not as though I have a fucking neon sign over my head shouting that I was gay. Even if I did, so fucking what?
I have never wanted to floor anyone as much as I wanted to floor Jasper yesterday.
His whole behavior was so childish, throwing a fit in the car because suddenly he realized he might be seen with a gay man.
What the hell was all that about?
While I do get that he is confused, get that this is all new and scary. Fuck, I even get and understand that this isn't something he has done before and he feels a little uncomfortable, but the switching has to stop.
I can't live my life like this. He freaks out over the fact that I might do something and then he's the one pulling moves on me. I didn't really mind, but I was slightly fucked off that he freaked in the car and then did that.
If this was ever going to work he can't keep doing this.
I had to put a stop to it yesterday. All I could see was him freaking out over it later. I wasn't ready to handle that sort of rejection from him.
He needs to be ready before we can actually move forward in that area. It took a lot of control to stop it from getting there, and yesterday I almost didn't stop it.
As much as I wanted him, it has to be right. I didn't know if it was ever going to get there, if it ever will be right, if he'll ever be able to accept what was happening between us.
If he stays in denial forever this won't work.
I came out a long time ago. I was not one for hiding away from the world and if that's what Jasper wants then this will end badly.
Now I only hope that he starts to accept this after meeting Peter and Garrett, when he speaks to someone who has sort of been through what he is going through.
Peter and Garrett were coming round later today. Jasper would get the chance to talk to him and hopefully understand more of what is happening.
Peter and Garrett have been together for years, this would give me a chance to speak to Garrett about everything and find out more about how he felt when he went through this.
"Do they know?" Jasper asked as he walked into my room and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Good morning to you, too." Smirking I turned on to my side and propped my head up with my hand, resting my elbow on the pillow
"Sorry." He leant forward and captured his lips with mine; the fresh taste of mint hit my taste buds as our tongues danced together.
Why couldn't he be like this more often, instead of the over-thinker that he was?
"Morning." He whispered against my lips, I smiled before pulling back.
"They know, Jazz, you won't need to explain anything if you don't want to." Answering his question, Jasper just nodded and pulled his knees up.
"I want this, you know? I know I'm not really filling you with confidence over it, and my little freak outs, it's all new and strange to me." His fingers reached out and touched my bare chest sending my heart racing and my skin on fire. "I want to try, and I mean really try. Right now I'm doubting a lot of things; everything I have ever known has been turned upside down and put on its ass. I want to be happy and I want to be with you. I want to be able to hold your hand in public or kiss you and not give a fuck what people think." He smiled warmly at me and lay on top of me, his head resting on my chest. My arms went around him touching his back.
"Don't blow hot and cold with me, okay? There's only so much I can take and little stunts like the one you pulled in the car park yesterday will piss me off and next time I might not hold back. I'm not madly in love with you, I never have been. Yeah, I'm falling for you, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to take all I can get from you. I'm not that desperate for your attention." Jasper closed his eyes at me tilting his head downwards.
"I'm not saying this to be nasty, Jazz. I just don't want to get hurt through all of this. I'm willing to help you here, you're not on your own, but you really need to start helping yourself. It's been close to a week since you said you wanted this, I'm not expecting miracles overnight, but I would like some change to happen." I lifted his head up to look at me, holding his face in my hands.
"If you want me, you want us, then you're going to have to start showing me. If you don't then it ends now, Jasper." He sighed and touched my hand with his.
"I do, I want us, I want this, please give me time." I smiled and rubbed my thumb on his cheek.
"You have time, Jazz, just start showing me. It's all I ask." I leant forward giving him a kiss on the lips.
"Does it still bother you when you hear people making comments or throwing looks your way?" He asked as he pulled away from the kiss.
"Sometimes it does, it pisses me off more than anything nowadays. What gives them the right to judge me? If it was a woman I was holding hands with then I wouldn't get the comments or the looks. What's the difference? Just because I would sooner suck cock than lick pussy, why should I be treated any differently? Thankfully it's not so taboo anymore and most people don't give a shit, but you get the old cunt that thinks it's some disease. I reckon though that these people who have problems with it are because secretly they're gay and they wish they had the balls to come out of the closet." Jasper chuckled and bit his bottom lip slightly.
"You know when the time comes; will you be there with me?" He asked looking slightly embarrassed. I chuckled and brushed his golden curls out of his face.
"Be where, babe?" Was he asking what I thought he was? Surely he wasn't actually thinking about admitting about us at some point?
"When I tell my parents? Will you be there, please?" He looked at me with questioning eyes. "I'm not just saying this, not yet, but when I'm ready, when my head is fully back together, will you be there?" The embarrassing look returned to his gorgeous face.
"Are you being serious? Or are you just telling me things I want to hear?" Shock hit his face; his eyes carried hurt in them.
I wasn't asking to be nasty or unkind, but I needed to know the truth.
I was already falling for him and fast, if this was just talk it would crush me. If it never came to light and he was just saying this to make me feel better it would destroy me.
Seeing the hurt in his deep blue eyes, the truth was there, no doubt was hiding around his eyes.
"I'm being serious. I want to try, to give us a real shot. I'm not saying I'm willing to be able to go out in public right away, but I don't want us to hide forever." Trying hard not to get my hopes up, I smiled at him. I believed him, but at the same time I wasn't truly sold on what he said.
"I'll be there, whenever you're ready." Jasper moved pulling himself up to a sitting position. I missed his touched straight away.
"Do you feel like I'm messing you around?" I frowned slightly bringing my hands behind my head.
There was so much truth coming out this morning, I worried that if I answered this truthfully it might send him back and everything will change again.
This was the trouble with Jasper being my best friend; I was running the risk of losing him altogether. Sighing I sat up resting my wrists on my knees.
"I feel sometimes like this is just experiment for you." Not wanting to look at him right now I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the headboard.
Soft peppered kisses touched every part of my face, lighting fires all over my skin. I shivered and opened my eyes. Jasper's face was inches from mine, his eyes looking back at me so caring, so full of emotion.
His fingers ghosted over my face, as he studied it. His fingers touched over my lips and across my jaw, I sucked in a shaky breath and smiled at him.
"You're not an experiment; I wouldn't do that to you." His lips met mine giving me a soft gentle kiss. I'm looking forward to meeting Peter. Hw do you know them?" I chuckled and ran my fingers through my hair.
"Remember that guy that smashed the back end of my car a few years back?" Jasper nodded. "That was Peter. After that, we just kind of bumped into each other all the time, and slowly we became friends. Well I'm going to take a shower before they get here." I gave him a kiss, and headed into the shower.
As the hot water hit my body I thought about what Jasper had been saying this morning.
I wanted so badly to believe that he would get to the point of telling his parents about us, that we would be able to be together out and about, but the niggling little thought in the back of my head told me it was just talk.
I had seen this happen before, seen one of my friends walk a similar road to this and it just ended in disaster. It was all good and well behind closed door, but in public you would think they didn't know each other.
No amount of begging changed it. Love got in the way and he became blinded by it, wanting every second the guy threw at him, took whatever he could.
I don't want that. That's not who I am.
I had to believe him, believe what he said. I knew Jasper, knew him well enough to know when he was lying. He didn't seem like he was lying, then again I had never been in this close of a situation with him before, so maybe he was.
I just didn't want to get hurt through this, it could be great or it could be a nightmare, it could be the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I was hoping that it wouldn't be.
I was hoping that by giving it some time, him speaking to Peter that everything will be worth the risk I was taking, worth the risk we were both taking.
Coming out of the shower I headed into my bedroom expecting to find Jasper long gone.
As I pushed my door open I saw Jasper laying on his front his face pushed into my pillow. I smirked wondering just what the hell he was doing.
"Smell nice?" Jasper's head snapped up and looked at me as his face burned bright red making me laugh.
"Just what are you doing?" I asked him watching as Jasper fumbled sitting up, trying to hide the redness of his face.
"I was... um... just..." He trailed off suddenly finding his knee interesting.
"You were caught, Jazz, smelling my pillow. I thought only girls did that." Jasper looked mortified as his mouth hung open.
"I'm not a girl. I don't have any traits of being a girl." He defended himself. I cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Really? So why are you sniffing my pillow then?" I could see the clocks ticking over inside his mind as he tried to think of an excuse.
Moving to him I buried my face in the nape of his neck and breathed in deeply, taking his spicily scent deep into my lungs before breathing out slowly.
"Pillows are good, but they smell of wash powder, whereas the skin itself doesn't." I murmured in his ear making him shudder. "Unless you want a free show get out my room." He blushed slightly and headed out closing the door behind him.
There was such a large part of me that even though I wanted Jasper, regretted getting involved. I had been following what my heart was telling me and not what my head was.
People always tell you to follow your heart, but your heart can lead you to heartache.
In an ideal world Jasper would have accepted it all, moved forward and none of this crap would be happening. There wouldn't be any hiding, any need to hold back, but this isn't an idea world.
And while we watch crappy love films where the person in question overcomes all there problems in minutes, real life just doesn't work like that, at all.
You have to do what's right for yourself even if that means hurting someone else in the process. I have always done what was right for me, and I've hurt people in the process of it all, but I came out happier for it.
Jasper could do the same thing to me, he could choose to do what he believes is right for him.
How do I know that I was right for him? I don't. I'm just taking a random guess that maybe, just maybe if lady luck wants to come sit on my shoulder, that Jasper will decide that I was right for him.
I don't expect this to be easy for him. I know it's not, and this is where my problem lies. Jasper is a ladies man; he has never had a single problem going through countless amounts of women.
In college he started a collection of panties, every woman he slept with. He made sure their panties stayed put, as a token almost. He bragged and counted and got all happy and overexcited when he reached the end of his college course and he had gotten close to a hundred, they didn't count if it was the same girl more than once.
How does a man that has so openly worshiped the female form, even read fucking books on giving the best pussy licks, could suddenly decide that actually a woman's body isn't what he wanted after all?
I knew I was good looking, but to Jasper, to a man who has always seen the female sex as something of beauty, as something to be worshipped, I didn't stand a chance. His talk of the new little temp that was just begging for it was in his eye line all the time. How do you compete with that?
Women had never appealed to me. I could appreciate a good looking woman, but it never did anything for me.
To be honest I find pregnant women highly beautiful, there is just something about it, something about them carrying and nurturing a child within them, but did I want a woman?
No. I craved hard lines and smooth skin over hard muscle. Rough hands running over my body, strong jaw lines and hard cocks, not soft ample skin that covers soft delicate curves, and dripping pussy, the contrast between the two is a turn off.
I had tried to put myself in Jasper's shoes, tried to think what it would be like for me, if all I had ever known was men to suddenly find myself attracted and wanting a female, never mind sleeping with one.
The thought made me feel sick, and to be honest I would not have a clue what to do with a woman if my life depended on it. I was about as clued up as a fourteen year old geeky virgin running high with hormones when it came to females.
I guess these thoughts made me be a little more understanding towards Jasper and his problems right now. I had wondered if he had ever thought that maybe somewhere along the line I had held some torch for him, secretly wanting him and loving him afar and this was like my dream come true.
I knew I had never had a single thought about him in that way before now, but did he?
Heading down the stairs after getting changed I flicked through the mail that had arrived.
My eyes narrowed catching the sight of a handwritten envelope that was addressed to Jasper. I knew the handwriting, knew who it belonged to, Alice.
If she was worming her way back into his life this was over. I knew that Jasper still loved Alice; he had had all these plans with her. It cut him into pieces when they split or should I say when Alice decided she needed to go and find herself, leaving Jasper high and fucking dry.
The bitch even had the cheek to say it wasn't him, it was her. What fucking bullshit was all that about?
The thought ran through me to rip it up and throw it away. Jasper wouldn't know that the letter had arrived and if he ever so much as questioned it, there was always it must have got lost in the mail to cover my tracks.
But I couldn't do that, that wasn't me, and I would feel guilty, so even though I held the fucking letter from the little bitch who had his heart. I fought back my jealousy and placed it on the table in the kitchen and waited for him to come and read it.
Would I ask what was in the letter? Yes, I fucking would.
The coffee machine held zero appeal to me. It took too long for it to start, so I made do with the kettle.
Pulling the milk out of the fridge I turned to see Jasper walking into the kitchen, his hair still wet, making his golden curls longer. It was surprising just how long his hair was when it was wet. He flashed me a smile rubbing the back of his neck.
As he saw the letter on the table the color drained from his face as he picked it up. I watched as he frowned staring at the letter, part of me wanted to snatch it out of his hands as the jealousy raged in me.
I didn't compete well, competitions for someone's affection never really worked well for me. I didn't believe in competing for someone's love or affection. If they weren't willing to give it freely without it being held as some sort of prize then it wasn't worth having.
Placing the cup to my mouth and pulling my head slightly down I narrowed my eyes as I watched him undo the letter from his love. Bitch!
He knew I knew it was there, he knew I placed it there, he knew I knew it was from her, but yet he hadn't looked at me since he saw it there waiting for him.
I was a jealous person, I didn't like anyone moving in on what I classed as mine and I classed Jasper as mine now, early fucking days or not.
We had gotten together and that made him now mine, despite the fact that she still held his heart. I gritted my teeth, tightening my jaw that much it hurt as he read through the letter, his eyes glossed over more than once. He took in a shaky breath as he folded the letter up and placed it back inside the envelop.
"Jazz?" I forced my voice to sound somewhat pleasant even though inside I was raging over that fucking letter turning up right fucking now and fucking everything up. He turned his head towards me and gave me a weak smile.
"It was Alice, but you already knew that." Yeah, I bloody did, start fucking talking Jasper before I lose it.
"And?" Anymore than one word answers and I was likely to explode at him.
"She... um...she wonders how I am, and asked if I've met anyone else. She asked me to call her sometime to talk. She says she needs to tell me something that she can't discuss with over a letter." She's fucking with you, seeing how much of a hold she has; if it was anything important the bitch would be here.
"Are you?" Well done, you managed all of two words and didn't blow your lid.
"No." He shook his head and held his hand out to me. Inwardly I smiled, one to me, bitch. "I still care about her, but I want you. It's too late for this now. It's been over two months since she left." I smiled weakly at him, my fears still not fully gone.
His fingers laced through mine, the warm buzz flowed through us as we touched. He stood up and came to me, his body flushed against mine.
"I know I haven't really done much to make you believe me, but I want you. I know that, I'm still accepting it." His lips met mine with no hesitation moving wonderfully together. Jasper moaned into the kiss as my fingers found themselves in his wet hair pulling him closer to me and deepening the kiss.
How had he been my friend for all these years and only now had I noticed just how fucking gorgeous he actually is? Jasper pulled back breaking the kiss resting his forehead against mine smiling.
"Where's the sudden change come from?" I whispered out as his breath fanned my face over and over again, the warmth covering me like a blanket. Could I actually stay like this and never move?
"I did a lot of thinking last night, about us, about what I wanted. As scary as it is, I'm going to do this, if you can put up with me long enough." I smirked at him.
"I think I should be able to put up with you. You want to come to the club with me tonight for a while? Try the whole being out together but not publicly again?" He bit his lip and thought for a minute. "You could try your hand at bar work while you're there; everyone will just think you're helping me out."
"Would that be an excuse for you to just check my ass out?" I chuckled as he pulled a sexy smirk at me.
"Fuck yes, so are you going to come? I don't really want to end our time together, but I have to go in tonight." I could see the thoughts run through his mind as he thought about everything, the emotions on his face gave nothing away.
"All right, I'll come, but I need an early night. I have work tomorrow." He smiled and kissed me once more as the doorbell went. "Is that them?" He asked pulling back from me. I missed his warmth right away.
I wanted to pull him back and forget all about the fucking doorbell ringing, but I knew Jasper needed to talk to someone who has been through this.
"That will be them." I smiled as nerves washed over Jasper's face. "Don't look so worried, they're nice people, Jazz." He half smiled as I went to answer the door.
Opening the door I could hear them bickering, I smirked seeing Peter frown slightly as Garrett smiled.
"Are you two bickering again?" I asked as I let them in. Peter rolled his eyes at me and shot a look at Garrett.
"Us? No. Garrett just needs to learn how to drive... again." I chuckled as Garrett muttered something under his breath about Peter's driving.
Leading them into the kitchen I saw Jasper leaning up against the side, his elbows resting on the countertop behind him, a smirk on his face.
Fuck, I wanted him there and fucking then!
"Garrett, Peter, this is Jasper." Jasper smiled and half waved at them, before pushing himself off the side and shaking their hands.
"So this is the one who had sent you into a spin then?" Garrett whispered in my ear. I simply nodded before moving and flicking the kettle back on.
"How long have you been together?" Jasper asked which surprised me slightly.
I wasn't expecting Jasper to start asking them any questions yet. I knew Jasper never failed with confidence, but he was out of his comfort zone.
"Almost three years, though sometimes it seems longer." Garrett chuckled out; I watched as Peter eyed Jasper up, working him out. Garrett kept his eyes flickering between me and Jasper.
"So um... Peter, can we talk? Alone?" Jasper asked. Peter looked a little surprised and nodded getting up from the table and following Jasper into the living room. Once the door closed Garrett turned and looked at me.
"Sucks, doesn't it?" He asked as I sat down. I rested my head in my hands scratching my scalp
"Fuck, it's harder than I thought it would be." I mumbled out pulling my hands away and picking up my mug, Garrett smiled.
"You'll do all right, he's fallen, or falling, your eyes give you two away. He shot you a quick look before he left the room; his eyes are on the prize. He's just confused with everything going on. Pete will straighten him out, just you watch. Want my honest opinion?" He asked taking a sip of coffee. I nodded as I sat back.
"You have nothing to worry about, it won't be an easy ride, but it will be worth it in the end. I'm willing to bet money on it." He smirked like the fucking know-it-all that he is. I trusted Garrett's opinion, only time would tell if he is right.