JPOV
The letter niggled in the back of my mind. It burned in the back of my pocket. It called silently to me, screaming at me to do it.
All I had to do was open it up and look at the number, pick up my phone and dial the number. It wasn't the hardest task in the world. Millions upon millions of people called people day after day, hour after hour, why should this be any different from any other phone call I have ever made?
My first thought had been not to call, it was the answer I had given Edward and when I gave it to him I meant it. Every last word of it, but now, with it in my mind I wasn't too sure.
Every single word I had said to Edward this morning I meant. I wanted to try, I wanted us. I wanted him. I knew that, but now this landed on my doorstep and everything changed.
Her letter had made me question again if I was doing the right thing by trying this with Edward. Before she left Alice was the safe bet, I knew how to please her. There were no funny looks or horrid comments when we were out and about. Everything with her was as the world should be, or as the world thinks the world should be.
I had bled over her. I cried over her. I broke my heart over her and now she wants me to call her?
Part of me wanted to call and find out what she had to say. The nice side of me wanted to hear her out, give her a chance to say whatever it was she needed to, but the other side of me told me to rip it up and throw it away.
There was no point in lying, no point in denying it, I still cared for Alice. I had loved her, we were to get married, you don't just forget all about them and the time you shared together so fast.
If the letter had arrived a month ago I would have been on the phone by now calling her, wanting to talk to her, to hear her voice. Now part of me just wishes she hadn't sent the letter, it only added to my confusion.
Edward was now part of my life romantically I guess you could say. I wanted to do what was right by him, not mess him around. I thought so much last night about my actions over the last few days, how I acted in the car park, how I acted under the cover of darkness.
I was jerking him around. That wasn't what I wanted.
Although this may all be so new to me, I did want him. My body reacted to his touch, the way his eyes could smolder me into burning rubble if I stared into them for too long, how I felt all giddy and joyful when his lips touched mine.
The sparks flew off me when we touched leaving a trail of goose bumps and fire burning deep into me. The buzz was like nothing I had ever felt before.
I knew only he could make me feel that, he had that power to turn me into goo on the floor.
My mind had over thought everything, over thought the whole aspect of a relationship with a man, what it would actually mean for me to be with Edward. The looks we may get, the remarks we may hear, how everything between us would be different, so different.
Was I falling for him? I guess I was.
Somehow, someway, I was falling for my best friend, unable to stop it from happening.
My mind threw together pictures of us being happy and in love, being able to just be and not having anything bother us, but that was what my own little mind had created, the reality of it was so different. I was scared, scared shitless of what it would be like to be out with him like that, to go out in public holding his hand, how people would look at us and what they would think of us.
I didn't want to hurt Edward by dragging my feet or acting the way I had been doing. I knew I was hurting him, hurting him more then he would let on.
I guess this was why I had dragged Peter off the moment they arrived. I needed to know that everything would be fine if I stepped onto this ride.
To me this is what it felt like, like one of those really high roller-coasters you go on, that drops you down from a high height, that loops and flips at high speed.
You stand watching it, waiting to go on, excited that you're about to go on it, only to shit yourself the moment your ass touches the seat. That was the point; you either bailed or went on the ride of your life.
This was the same to me. I wanted him, but I was scared to have him, scared that I may just fall off and be left in the unknown.
The unknown of if this didn't work out then what would all this mean for me? Always had a straight relationship, but now finds himself having had a gay relationship wondering just where he now was.
It was hardly the top list of great things to say to a new partner, was it?
Peter sat across from me drinking his coffee his eyes staring into me, watching me, watching every little move I made. He had made no attempt to speak to me yet, but then again neither had I. We had both been just waiting and I had been wasting time.
"You know all about what has happened, so I won't bother you with you the details. What am I meant to do? You've been here, how did you go from safe to dangerous?" I asked placing my coffee mug on the table.
I hadn't meant to sound so off, so abrupt to him. It just kind of came out like that. Peter smirked slightly and drummed his fingers on the edge of the chair arm.
"For one, I wouldn't call Garrett dangerous. A pain sometimes, but his bark is worse than his bite. Jasper, I can't tell you what to do, you have to make your own choice there. You see the choice I made, but I had to make it, no one else." He shifted slightly leaning forward and looking at me.
"You know Edward is a good guy, and I would hate to see you fuck him around. I'm not saying you're about to, but from what I have seen you're in the balance, flicking between him and someone else? That's my guess, of course you don't have to tell me if I'm right, but since you left the kitchen you're whole being has changed. So I'm asking who were you thinking about when we first sat down?" I blinked and looked at him. Surely he hadn't been doing all this working out while I had been sitting here, had he?
"Alice... my ex, she just got in touch today with me through a letter." I mumbled out, watching as Peter just nodded slightly.
"Before Garrett there was Charlotte, she and I were always together. It was good, great even. We got on well, we laughed and joked and fell in love, but there was something that was missing, something that I didn't know until I met Garrett. Then I became torn, much like you are now. Jasper, I had been with men before, never really open about it. It wasn't something I wanted to shout about. I had no idea what sort of a life I would lead with a man. Charlotte was safe. Being with her was what is considered to be normal. We are put on this earth to make life, that's it. That's the short of it all. We are not put here to work, or earn money, or even rule, we are put here to do one thing and that is to keep the human race going. Two men or two women stop that, or slow it down depending on your view. For life to continue you need a man and a woman, it doesn't add up without that." He sipped his coffee and smiled looking at me the whole time.
"Being with Garrett is what some people would call the work of the devil, again depending on what your view is on it. Being with Garrett goes against what we are here to do, but being with Garrett has given me the wonderful gift of true love, true undented, perfect, blissful never ending love. Your soul mate knows you better than anyone, they read you better than anyone, and they make you feel things that no one has ever been able to make you feel before. This is what the world forgets. This is why we receive the looks we do, why people are so backwards and won't understand. The world forgets that while we are here to make more humans, we are here to fall in love. It's one of life's wonderful, magical gifts, which changes you as a person, for the better I might add."
"I could have stayed with Charlotte and gotten married and had a few little me's running around and been happy, but missing something. Or I could have gone with Garrett, found the meaning of true love and overcome all the hurdles that life wants to give you together. You have this in front of you, Alice or Edward, whom you know and like, against whom you know and love. The first time we were out together and we made it known I was scared, shitting it, in fact. My palms were sweaty and I thought for sure I was going to have some sort of heart attack or arrest. In the middle of a shopping center I kissed him. We were fighting over something or other and Garrett was sulking with me. I wanted to take the sulk off, take away the hurt look in his eyes so I kissed him right there and then. I felt sick with nerves, but you know the moment my lips met his everything disappeared. No one else was there, just me and him. The world outside had disappeared from us." He finished his speech and looked at me as I sat there with my mouth open like a gold fish.
"How... how did you overcome it?" I asked as he chuckled at me and sat back.
"I just did. The first time is the hardest, hearing names and remarks being thrown at us used to send me into some sort of breakdown where I would want the world to swallow me whole. Garrett never so much as raised an eyebrow, he stuck by me even if I wanted to go home after ten minutes of being out, and Edward will do the same. The more you do it the easier it gets until you just forget all about it and it just becomes second nature. Now I don't care, but it took time and trying to get there." I thought about his words, his answer.
Would Edward actually be happy with short little stunts like that?
"Everyone looking and staring... I don't know if I can do that, if I could find the battle in me to hold his hand. I mean I want too, but I don't know if I can." Bringing my knee up and under my chin I bit my thumbnail.
"Jasper, Edward isn't expecting you to start singing and dancing that you're with him, so you don't need to worry about doing everything so open just yet, but try little things, like placing your hand on his arm when you're talking together in public. No one will think much of it and it will help you." He said finishing off his coffee before looking at his hands for a second then at me.
"Jasper, I know you want answers. I can only tell you what I know and what I did, but if Edward gives that feeling that no one else does then go for it, you will regret if you don't. And as far as the ex goes, forget all about her. Edward will be far more important to you than she ever was." He stood up and headed towards the door.
"I think we should go and see what they're up too." I stayed put as he walked off. I heard Peter speak to both Edward and Garrett.
Peter had taken the big risk and gone with Garrett instead of the safe choice being Charlotte. I guess I could do slow little baby steps, nothing too serious to begin with, just little small things and see how I feel.
Slowly pushing myself up to doing something more until I was completely comfortable being with Edward out and about.
Maybe I should call Alice to have the closure in my life, closure of that other part.
Maybe seeing her would sort out what I was meant to do, play it safe or take a risk?
I headed into the kitchen seeing Edward laughing with his friends. I smirked and leant against the doorframe. His eyes met mine and he flashed me a wink. I wanted to go over to him, touch him and kiss him. It wasn't as though Peter and Garrett didn't know that we were sort of seeing each other.
They were gay, so it wasn't as though I would get any weird looks if I did, but then again they would be the first people that would see Edward and me together that way.
As much as I wanted to I was torn. I felt silly for kissing him in front of people, almost as though I had never kissed anyone before.
His eyes stayed locked on me as I walked to the table and sat down next to him.
The hair all over my body suddenly stood up on end as I was hit with electricity that just radiated off him and was directed solely towards me. He smiled softly at me, but made no attempt to touch me or kiss me.
He was sticking to his word and letting me make the move. Sucking in a breath I laid my hand on top of his as tiny bolts of electricity shot through my skin.
He smiled warmly at me and turned his hand over, his palm facing up so our fingers could lock together. I wondered if he was as proud as I was over my little effect. Our hands were under the table so they couldn't see, but it was a start, wasn't it?
Peter and Garrett soon left claiming they had Christmas shopping to do, leaving Edward and I alone for a couple of hours before he and I went off to the club.
I was looking forward to working in there tonight, trying my hand out at bar work. You never know, I could be really good at it and I might change my career, then again maybe not.
As Edward walked back into the kitchen he beamed at me, but his face soon fell as he saw the letter from Alice in my hand.
"Watch." Was all I said as I tore it up and threw it in the bin. If I was going to try I needed to rid all this shit. I walked back over to him and stood just in front of him, mere inches away from his face. I studied his face before leaning in and kissing him. "I want this." I whispered breaking away from the kiss. He smiled at me and laced his fingers through mine.
"I'm proud of you for doing that." He nodded towards the bin. "Also for holding my hand when Peter and Garrett were here."
The club was packed as I sat on the edge of a bar stool drinking my beer and people watching. Edward was working the bar, laughing and joking with the bar staff and the customers. He fit in so easily.
The woman he served drooled buckets over him, you could have filled a swimming pool with the amount of drool these women were letting go.
Not one single one of them clocked that his eyes flicked back to me all the time. Not one clocked that his eyes were falling all the time on a man, and not one clocked that he was gay.
There were some hot ass chicks in the club that kept checking me out. Oh yes, baby, you know you want me. I smirked slightly giving one woman a slow go over with my eyes, teasing slightly and then turning my attention to Edward.
He wore all black tonight, his black T-shirt was hugging across his pecs and the sleeves were gripping against his biceps as his muscles flexed. He looked hot, hotter than the woman did. He caught me checking him out and winked at me before walking over.
"Come get behind the bar, Jazz. Let me see you work." He whispered in my ear. I grinned.
This bar shit looked easy. I reckoned I could spin bottles in my hand and pull off some fancy trick. Fuck, it looked easy in the films.
"I'm keeping my tips and I want paying for this." Leaning back towards him, it was nice being this close to him and everyone just thinking we were doing this just so we could hear each other over the noise of the music; which we were, but there was something else there as well.
"Let's see what you got first." He flipped the lip on the side of the bar giving me entrance.
Edward told me where everything was and then leant against the back wall at the side watching me as I served the customers. I soon started to relax and enjoy it, getting a little bold and flicking bottles around like I was some bad ass. I chatted to the woman that came all the time aware that Edward was watching every single move I made.
Deciding that I was going to try and be like some guy who could juggle the spirit bottles I picked up two almost full bottles of some crap that you only ever order when you're completely drunk. I clocked Edward narrow his eyes at me and shake his head, but the cockiness in me had taken over.
I was getting big headed as I threw a bottle up, the idea being was that it was meant to go over my head and slide down my back so I could catch it, what happened wasn't that.
The bottle went up and instead of going over my head hit the low ceiling and smashed, covering me and the floor in some blue stuff and glass. I felt his heat before I heard him standing behind me breathing down my neck.
"My office, now." His tone was so short and sharp at me, it almost turned me on, and laughing like an idiot I left the bar and made my way through the crowded club towards his office.
By the time I got there I was crying with laughter. My Tom Cruise act had fallen flat on its face. I thought I looked pretty good at it until the bottle smashed. I even got a few girls shouting some other things I can throw. The door opened to the office and Edward stood there smirking at me.
"I don't think bar work is your thing, Jazz. The whole smashing bottles would cost me way too much." He smirked making his way towards me, and flicking the bits of glass that were still in my hair. "You okay?" He held the bottom of my chin giving me the once over with his eyes.
"Yeah, sorry, I guess I owe you a bottle. How do you want me to repay you?" He closed his eyes biting his bottom lip.
"You don't want to know the answer to that right now." He hissed out before capturing my lips with his. I moaned into the kiss as my fingers found there way into his hair pulling him closer to me. He sucked and gently nibbled on my tongue as it darted into his mouth exploring every inch of it.
He pulled me even closer to him and I could feel his hard cock pressing against mine.
He pulled back needing air. Breathing hard he smiled softly at me and rested his head against mine.
"Does this repayment that you won't tell me have something to do with this desk?" I asked running my fingers along it, my voice almost purring at him.
He nodded his head as his eyes filled with lust. I moved closer to him and walked behind him with my cockiness in full force.
"Bent over it, while you fuck me hard with that great big cock of yours." Edward groaned, turning sharply and grabbing me.
Before I knew it Edward had me bent over the desk, his hard cock pressed into my ass.
"Don't tempt me, Jazz; honestly, don't fucking tempt me." Teasing him I pushed my ass back against his cock making him hiss.
His fingers gripped into my hips tightly. "Go home, Jazz." He let go of me. I turned and sat on the edge of his desk and hooked my thumbs through his jean belt loops and pulled him closer to me.
"I'm going, but." I kissed his lips. "I wouldn't mind me and you getting a little closer." Edward smiled at me and met my lips again.
"Soon, babe, now go home. Don't take this the wrong way, but the covered in alcohol smell does smell awful on you. You don't smell like my Jazz." His face froze as he realized what he had just said.
He called me his, my Jazz. This strange feeling washed over me, not like the feeling I had gotten before. It didn't freak me out or make me feel scared, or even doubt what I was doing, it was almost like I felt loved, but not love that I felt before, but a different sort of love.
Like this was real and true, pure even. I knew we weren't in love yet, but we were heading that way.
His words sent a wonderful feeling of warmth through me making me smile as I looked at him.
He looked as if he had just been caught out, like a deer in the headlights.
"Jazz, sorry, I... I ..." I placed my finger on his lips to stop him from rambling. I knew he was now worried that he had freaked me, and after the way I had acted over the last few days I couldn't argue his reasoning, worried that maybe he might have just undone the slow work I had made.
"It's okay, I liked it, babe." His eyes looked uncertain for a moment until I smiled.
"I guess I'll see you tomorrow night then?" I asked jumping off the desk and pulling my car keys out my pocket.
"Yeah, I don't know if I'll be here until closing or not, so it's more than likely it will be tomorrow night." I felt a little disheartened that I wouldn't get to see him until tomorrow night. It seemed like a long time to go without seeing him.
Kissing him on his soft lips just once before smiling at him and leaving his office I closed the door then looked over my shoulder catching a slight smirk off his face. I span the keys around my finger wondering about everything that was happening as I made my way to the car.
I thought about what Peter had told me, about the fear of being open and out with Edward would never go until I actually started to do it.
It wasn't something that would go away unless I worked at it and the only way I could work at it was if I came out in public with him. My mind was still confused about everything, but it was slowly figuring things out. I just had to take that risk, had to find the strength to do that.