tw: implied trauma, abuse, and other similar themes
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ACT II
"avec toi je suis moi"
with you, i am me
EIGHT OF CUPS
upright — abandonment, walking away,
letting go, searching for truth, leaving behind
reversed — stagnation, monotony, accepting less,
avoidance, fear of change, staying in a bad situation
JULY 1976
REGULUS BLACK THOUGHT MANY THINGS . He thought he and his brother had made amends. He thought that even though they may not have the healthiest relationship in their shitty home, they were still family . And with the reconciliation of such a bond —even if he was fully aware that they weren't the best of buds— foolishly, he thought things were finally about to turn around.
He thought wrong.
And like the many things he thought wrong, the last thing he expected to come home to that day he had snuck out to meet with the Muggle-born Hufflepuff, was the sight of the woman leaning against their gate, drenched in the evening rain.
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The older girl steels herself when she catches sight of him. She stands gracefully as she dried herself off with a flick of the wand, face void of any hint of emotion, presenting herself as the perfect noble she had always been known to be.
But if anything, he knew her better than that by now.
Her green eyes refused to meet his.
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Freyja Belladonna Greengrass was a formidable woman. Despite being older by only a year, she thinks so cleverly what with her cunning smiles and alluring words, that one would think she had a lifetime worth of wisdom. Never one to show weakness, never one to lay all her cards on the table; he never doubted the widespread talks about how she seemed to personify perfect Slytherin. A lady who carried herself with grace and poise, the embodiment of everything purebloods stood for; beauty, wealth and nobility… All wasted on the infamous blood traitor of the House of Black.
However, Regulus Arcturus Black, who had grown up alongside the woman and his impulsive (dare he say, stupid ) mess of an older brother, can attest that there was no one more suited to become the fiancée of Sirius.
She made up for everything the latter lacked and yet, still managed to understand whatever it was that went on his mind; something the younger Black brother always failed to comprehend.
It's precisely why it hadn't been too difficult to come to the conclusion that something was definitely wrong.
And that something , he presumes, has something likely to do with his older brother.
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"Fey…" Regulus calls out warily, following behind her as she wordlessly crossed the street towards the park stationed in front of his home, motioning for him to come along.
"Why didn't you wait inside?" he asks. Where it was warm and dry. Where his two-faced mother would have welcomed her jovially unlike her actual son who the girl was betrothed to.
"Your mother would have wondered where you were. That's far from a pleasant conversation to have over tea, no?" she answers simply. And before he even gets the chance to ask, his fellow Slytherin beats him to it, "Don't worry. She didn't see me. She doesn't know where you've gone to."
Not that he would have doubted her knack for keeping secrets.
And so, Regulus immediately cuts to the chase, apprehension getting the best of him.
"What's wrong?"
The woman doesn't dare ask him why he thinks so, knowing full well that they've grown accustomed to the same pattern of events they've retained from their childhood.
They're way past these stupid pretenses, but she can't seem to find a better way to relay the news.
"I'm just taking it upon myself to tell you before you go home and find out for yourself," Freyja began. "After all, I am… I was your brother's intended."
Her intonation doesn't go unnoticed.
"How could that be?" he makes a face at the implications of her words.
Had this been around anyone else, she would have given him a look to warn him not to speak his mind, the same way she had oriented him on the ways to survive their pureblood society (mainly the basics of deception and well… more deception).
Regardless, he continues to speak his unfiltered thoughts, "No matter how big of a fool Sirius could be, he wouldn't — He couldn't have possibly broken your engagement. He—"
"It wasn't as if he was the one who made the choice…" she smiled wryly. "Or so, I've been trying to tell myself."
"What?"
"But he did make a choice and that's… Well…"
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She's stalling , he could tell. She was using the same set of tricks she had once informed him of.
"People don't do that unless they're distraught," he remembered her saying. And he's never known Freyja Greengrass, the same maiden who had taught him how to lie , to be someone with tells that were too easy to read.
And thus, it doesn't seem so difficult to piece everything together.
"He… left , " Regulus blanched.
"You deserve to hear it from Sirius… But seeing as that's not an option and your mother is livid, I—" she heaves a deep sigh, frustration seeped into the hitch of her breath. "I just… I wanted to warn you. You're just as much family to me as you are to him…"
" Bullshite ," the boy spat, refuting her last words. "Unlike you, he never… He never even—" Cared .
"Regulus," she stressed. "I— I tried to stop him but… Everything's just too much and—"
It was unlike them both, for such eloquent people to be unable to finish their words.
"What about me ?" he cried out. Betrayal, rage and grief gets the best of him. "Does he think he's the only one who had to live with that!"
And though his (ex-)sister-in-law truly didn't deserve any of the consequences of his brother's actions, she is the one forced to face them in their wake.
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Freyja Greengrass winced, and yet she kept her voice even in an attempt to placate him, "Believe me, if I could offer you both a home, I would —"
"But it wouldn't matter because he still got up and left… "
"I'm sorry," she whispered hoarsely, as if it were her apology to make.
And yet, it doesn't stop the boy from hoping, "Did he at least say anything? Did he remember me? Leave a note, or—"
And it breaks her heart, having to be the one to tell him the cruel truth, "No, but—"
"No," Regulus repeats, laughing mirthlessly in his pain, "Of course not. Since when did he give a damn about our family, about—"
Me .
Freyja cuts him off before he finishes that sentence. "You don't know that. He cares. You're brothers ."
"Stop protecting him," Regulus calls her out, exhaustion evident in his voice. "You always try to justify his actions, Fey."
"Because I know him . I know you . He might be the fool who's ridiculously stubborn and incredibly brazen at times, but you can't tell me he never gave a shit about you all this time."
"But he left ," he murmured with a tone of finality. "And you don't just leave the people you care about."
But then he thinks, maybe heshould.
Maybe it's easier to leave before you're left behind.
So he takes a page out of his brother's book and cuts out the last form of reprieve he had in his life.
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SEPTEMBER 1976
WHEN SIRIUS BLACK RAN AWAY from home that Summer of 1976, Regulus Black was reoriented on many things. Their dysfunctional family dynamics for one, their pureblood doctrine and vile mantra for another.
He is reminded of why he was never in the position to live by his own ways, of how he had the responsibility to their house, an obligation sealed by some twisted sense of filial piety.
He is reminded of the reason why he turned out this way. Of how Amaris Leclair made a grave mistake of thinking he could be better when all he can ever give was the bare minimum.
More importantly, Regulus Black is reminded of what a selfish prick his brother could be. Of how everything between them changed since he entered Hogwarts. Of how the man had grown to choose his friends over his own kin.
But beyond that— he is reminded of how people were so fucking selfish .
And he wasn't any different after all.
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When Sirius Black ran away from home that Summer of 1976, Regulus Black reminded himself not to make the same mistake as his pathetic excuse of an older brother. Or rather, he is forced to remember, to engrave that into his body and mind, as he took the brunt of the aftermath of the older boy's departure.
It comes to no surprise that in the wake of Sirius' disownment, Regulus is established as the next heir of their house. Alongside such a proclamation, came the punishment from his father and the increase of the insistent pressure he had always faced from his mother, almost as if he was the one who ought to be the one to atone for his brother's actions. It is a sentence he'd be paying for, possibly until the last breath he took.
"Let this be a reminder," was what his father said the first time he had been struck by his cane, the same one that had been used on Sirius. A simple warning to remind him of the pain, the weight of each strike, the weight of his responsibilities, the weight of each punishment if he fails to accomplish otherwise. Even with the vial of Dittany the man had prepared thereafter, it felt like it still lingered on his skin.
"Make us proud," was what his mother whispered in his ears as her nails dug against his shoulders, every time she held him tight. The same words muttered by the phantom of the woman present in his nightmares. The ones that made his skin crawl and his sleep barely a form of reprieve.
He can no longer speak. At least not with the words he yearned because now, it's all them. All for them. Every practiced smile, every single word he utters in their society.
It comes to no surprise that in the aftermath of such, Regulus reverts back to his old habits. The same ones that were trained into every fiber of his being, wired into his brain, as if it were a way he was thought to survive this haunting sense of drowning he had been burdened with all his life.
If it was difficult to breathe back then, it was certainly a Herculean task to do so now.
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When Sirius Black ran away that Summer of 1976, Regulus made sure not to let him forget once they returned to Hogwarts and consequently, reunited. He doesn't hide his ire, sending his brother and that pathetic group he called his friends scathing glares, muttering hexes under his breath here and there.
It's a petty act of revenge, but he does it if it were the only way to still the embers of the rage that seared through his chest.
He wants to ask if it was worth it. If this was truly the people Sirius chose. If his life now was worth the trouble of abandoning his brother.
He wants to ask Sirius if he even cares. Cared. Whatever.
And if anything, it hurts Regulus more than the others with how unfazed the older boy was acting, treating him like he was a brat on a tantrum, like he wasn't even worth his time much less his attention.
And thus he acts out, turning out to be twice as cold and cruel as he was said to be. He speaks hurtful truths when pushed, picking on their weaknesses and the little things that made them tick. If they even dared to approach him, he threatens them with ease until there's no one else. No one left by his side.
Throughout the early weeks they've returned to Hogwarts, Regulus was intimidating enough that even the handful of people who once had the guts to hang around him were forced to take a step back and let him be.
If he hadn't been alone then, then he was certainly on his own now.
'But it's better this way ,' is what he tells himself.
Fear is what makes the world go round. It's why the mere name of Voldemort holds so much power. It's what gets you respect.
Fear is what Slytherin's love to make the most out of, a guarantor of success, the very thing that assures a snake the life of its prey.
He's alright being feared, if that's what it takes to hide everything else he feels. It's alright, so long as no one sees the scared little boy —tired and jaded, drowning in a bottomless pit— behind the mask he wore.
It's alright even if it meant drawing a line between him and everyone else, distancing himself from the one person he actually cared about. The journal they shared is left sealed as if it is a weapon that would lead him to his downfall. As if a single glance, a single touch of a page, will burn him.
(It will. It does.)
The mere thought of it continues to haunt him in the back of his mind but he refuses to relinquish himself to such urges, refuses to give her power over him. As if she had the power to burn him with her light.
It's alright —to stay like this — because this way, no one else can hurt him.
He shrinks in on himself and shuts them all out.
But it doesn't stop a certain maiden from trying— from hoping.
Because… What else was a Hufflepuff to do but try?
SOMETHING WAS WRONG. Amaris Leclair didn't need to have the ability to see the future to be able to predict such. She didn't need that unsettling feeling in her gut, didn't need to guess because she was fairly certain she knew Regulus well enough to be able to tell.
If not… Well then, the missed messages and the way he'd been avoiding her like a plague were a dead giveaway.
That, and the fact he has yet to step foot in the Astronomy Tower, their usual hangout, she sighs to herself as she recalled the many times she had camped outside her dorm in an attempt to catch the evasive Slytherin.
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Something was wrong, and she was so sure of it, because despite what everyone else had to say, she trusted that Regulus Black was never one to break promises.
A small part of her (the rational one, she liked to think) knows that it's just hopeful thinking ; a testimony to her knack for toxic positivity that he never failed to point out, and she never saw too big of an issue to change. But another part of her (the same one that stubbornly insisted on befriending the Slytherin boy despite his notorious reputation) was the same voice in her mind that whispered about how she was right to think such.
Regulus was as down to earth as can be, there was no use in making promises only to break them. Knowing him, if that was the case, he wouldn't have said such in the first place, never one to take a risk on the likelihood of futility.
And yet he did.
And word per word, she was sure that he said, "For the last time, Leclair, I will. I promise."
I promise.
She'd have been settled without it, and yet Regulus had went as far to say so.
'That must count for something, right?' is what she had argued, despite Mary's disapproving frown and Pandora's pitiful glances.
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"You know, Ames," her Gryffindor friend eventually caved in when the Hufflepuff had expressed concern, "We were never a big fan of him in the first place. Can't say I'm surprised."
"For what it's worth," Pandora mused, as if it were a way to alleviate her downcast expression which was brought by Mary's tactlessness. " You know him better than we would ever dream of. Trust your judgment. Just—"
"Be careful, I know ," Amaris sighed for yet the nth time that day. And despite knowing that her friends meant well, she realizes she won't be able to get answers from anyone but the boy himself.
She groans, defeated.
It feels like they're back to square one. Their first two years with those stupid guessing games and that emotional warfare akin to tug-of-war.
Merlin, befriending Regulus Black is like pulling teeth!
Just when she thought they were past this.
And yet… It doesn't stop her from going out of her way to seek him out every evening.
The first time they met in the comfort of the Astronomy Tower, Regulus Black found Amaris Leclair staring quietly at the moon, solemn and lonely, wishing she was nowhere else but home.
At this moment in time, ironic in a sense, Amaris Leclair finds Regulus Black staring angrily at the reflection of the moon against the dark waters of the Black Lake, sullen and lonely, yet relieved he was anywhere else but home.
It's stupid, he thinks. How they couldn't be any more different. How she always managed to reflect the light of the sun, bright and blinding; while he was akin to the dimming embers of a dying star, darkness looming in its wake.
He is envious of her light, and yet he can never seem to look away, yearning deeply to bask in the warmth she shed upon him.
And yet he narrows his eyes at the sight of her, as if he couldn't bear to watch her illuminate his darkest nights.
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"Ha! I found you," Amaris smiles with an air of childlike innocence, as if all this time, they were merely playing a game of hide-and-seek and she had finally earned a win.
"Go back," he scowls, no different from how he often did back then. "How did you even find me?"
"The ghosts," she explains, taking a step closer to the boy who sat by the edge of the lake. "The Fat Friar asked around, and a portrait said they saw you heading outside, so I figured I'd walk around and take my chances."
Despite the way the surliness in his expression dissipates, he mutters dryly at the thought, "Don't they snitch on students sneaking out past curfew?"
"What can I say? They love me."
She gives him that stupid dopey grin that makes his stomach churn and his chest ache .
Because— Of course, they would fucking adore her.
If he could bend to her every whim, was there truly anyone immune to her charm?
Of fucking course.
Mentally, he groans before averting his eyes back to the lake, refusing to look her in the eye or acknowledge her presence any longer.
"Leave me alone, Leclair."
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"Reg, c'mon," Amaris whines, inching closer, despite how she notices how there was no improvement to his sour mood. "I've missed you a lot and truth be told, I was worried when you haven't responded to anything I wrote in our journal."
He remains unmoved. Stubborn like how he used to be. And yet, she doesn't relent.
"I haven't talked to you all summer, and you've been avoiding me since we arrived in Hogwarts. It's nearly been a month," the girl continued when he refused to speak, making herself comfortable as she sat on the patch of grass beside him.
"Then, take the hint and get the fuck away from me, you filthy m —" he spat venomously in an attempt to drive her away, until realization dawns upon him and he loses his voice.
Before he even catches a semblance of hurt on her face, he turns to face her and takes his words back in a heartbeat. "I… I didn't mean that… I just—" He winced, squeezing his eyes shut as he heaved a tired, defeated sigh, "Just leave me alone, Leclair."
"I would never leave a friend in trouble," Amaris tells him simply and it was so very like her that it made it harder to be around her for more than another second. It hurts to be with her, to be cared for, to let someone in closer than they ought to be.
"What happened?" she then asks after another beat of silence, knowing better than to ask if he was okay, because he was most certainly was not.
"What do you think?" he scoffed, ruthless and unfair, even if he feels a twinge of guilt gnawing on his conscience.
Two can play it that game.
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" I think you really need to be someone right now, but it's too painful to let your guard down, so you're taking it out on other people," Amaris goes about it bluntly —almost savage with the truth— because knowing him, they weren't going anywhere so long as he continues to shut her out.
"I think you want me to stay…" her voice turns gentler when he sucks in a breath, forced to look at her with the way she cupped his cheeks. "But you don't know how. And you're scared of people leaving, so you're thinking of beating them to it."
Her cerulean eyes meet his stony gray orbs. And he feels something stir in him as it reminds him of blue skies, of freedom and trust, of those nostalgic summer days he spent in his youth with his brother, sneaking outside their gloomy home to explore the world beyond them.
He looks at her in the eye, and it makes it harder to breathe. There's a lodge in his throat, and it takes nearly everything in him not to cry.
"What are you, a Legilimens?" he scoffs mockingly, but instead of sounding sharp, his voice betrays him, and it comes out choked up and hoarse.
"It's called empathy, you fool," she lets out a soft breath, pursing her lips together. "I know how it feels because I've felt that way before. Not to mention, when you've spent as much time as I have, trying to understand the inner workings of the complicated being that is Regulus Black, you're bound to pick up a thing or two."
Regulus wills himself to speak, but it's a tad bit difficult keeping his composure when his eyes burn with unshed tears.
"You don't have to tell me. Just know that I will listen. Whatever it is. Whenever you want."
She lets go of him before he gets the chance to, and he finds himself missing her touch.
And yet her assurances creep into the crevices of his chest.
"For now," the girl chuckles. "I'm just glad you're finally willing to look me in the face."
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Yet again, he finds it ironic how difficult it was to lie to the maiden in front of him, despite how she was terrible at deception herself. She has a way with the truth, he supposes, of pulling you close enough into her orbit that you'd relay it to her on a silver platter. But for once, he doesn't necessarily think of it as a bad thing.
They're closer than they used to be (in a rather literal sense) with the way their shoulders pressed against each other, knees bumping, head leaning against the other. And thus, it only takes a handful of minutes as they basked in the comfortable silence they've been way too used to, for him to recognize one of the many truths he had refused to acknowledge until then.
That perhaps it wasn't the Astronomy Tower that granted him solace all this time.
It wasn't so much as a place than it was the person he had been with.
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"Sirius…" Regulus finally confessed, just when she thought their conversation had finally ended. "He ran away from home. My parents didn't waste any time in disowning him."
"What?" she gasps incredulously, slightly stiffening underneath him due to the sudden news he just dropped on her.
Regardless, the boy continued, pulling away for a second, only to bury his head against her shoulder in an attempt to prevent her from looking into his soul or whatever the fuck it was she did whenever those azure eyes pried the truth from him.
"I thought… we were finally getting along. That it— That I meant something to him…" he sneers, mirthless and hollow with a kind of sadness hidden beyond the void in his chest. "But he just left . Without a word, a note. Not even a glance—"
"I'm sorry. You don't deserve that," she murmurs softly, taking his hand in hers as a form of reassurance.
It was Amaris who held his hand, but it was Regulus who intertwined their fingers together, in an attempt to close the distance, as if in doing so she could fill the void within him with the warmth she naturally extruded.
"Now, I have to live up to my parent's expectations. They're counting on me… I'm the only one left and I—"
It was Regulus who intertwined their fingers, but Amaris who tightened her hold, squeezing him tightly as she swore.
"You're not alone. I'll be here for you."
It was a promise, she'd willingly keep to her grave.
"I have to act like their heir , Amaris," he snorts in derision. And despite the way she can't see his face against her shoulder, she can only imagine the weight of the burden he carried from the way his shoulder shook with emotion, "I have to live by everything the purebloods stand for. I can't get by like I've always had, even with everything I've worked hard on. I can't even be seen with the likes of you."
"Well, there's not much difference with how often we've been sneaking around then, is there?" she surmised, looking back to all the hidden smiles and secret glances they shared.
Regulus heaves a shallow breath, shaky and uneven, and like a knot taut with tension, the thread he built his composure on finally snaps.
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When Sirius Black ran away that Summer of 1976, Regulus Black —new heir of the House of Black, the most prominent family in their prideful cutthroat pureblood society— weeps in a Muggle-born 's arms.
He doesn't even know what he's crying for; whether it was the spite he held for his brother, or the frustration he felt against their stupid pureblood philosophy, or even his mere helplessness against the suffocating cycle he's often left stuck in.
If anything, being around Amaris was easier than sorting out those boxes in his mind, and so he lets himself cry in her arms.
"For fuck's sake," he curses under his breath, scoffing at himself for his inability hide his own weakness.
But the Hufflepuff doesn't let him. She turns to face him, releasing his hand and rushing to wrap her arms around him despite the slight handicap he gave her for leaning against her shoulder.
And when she manages to do so, she embraces him like her life depends on it. As if she was willing to give anything to protect him from the world despite all else.
In typical Amaris fashion, however, she also twists too urgently, forgetting the weight on her shoulder, losing balance and falling on her back against the grass beneath them.
They both laid against the grass. Neither let go of the other, but the ridiculousness of the situation had certainly sobered him up.
He snorts, and she laughs softly with him in her arms.
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Regulus lifts his head, catching the way her golden locks framed her face, grass on her hair, as her blue orbs gazed upon the sky out of respect for him. It makes him smile. But only for a moment. At least until, he rolls on his side to lay beside her against the ground instead of crushing her petite figure under his weight.
Pulling away from her brings another incomprehensible wave of emotions, but he refuses to dwell on it, appeasing his urges by reaching out to hold her hand yet again.
This time, she is the one who weaves their fingers together as they gaze at the evening sky, much like they used to in the Astronomy Tower.
Silently watching the moon smile alongside the myriad of stars scattered above them, Regulus asks her, gray eyes looking anywhere else but the girl beside him, " How do you do it?"
"Do what?" Amaris asks genuinely.
"How do you manage to get by despite your fear of losing everyone you care about… I mean you… You've actually lost people."
He stops himself with that, despite the intrusive thoughts that came along with his fall back of spouting cruel words in an attempt to ease the turmoil within him.
There were plenty of examples on the tip of his tongue.
Your father is out of the picture. Your grandfather died. Your mother killed herself. Your sister had to leave you in an orphanage.
But it all goes unsaid.
Amaris mused in response, "I suppose I merely managed over time."
And he scoffs without thinking.
"It gets better," she tugged his hand. "Maybe not yet… Definitely not now ."
"In my case, I met people who became important to me. Who taught me how to care for myself just as much as I care for them… Like you…" the maiden continued. " And Pandora, and Mary, and Gideon, and Fabian, and Xenophilius."
She admits, "If anything, the more people I love, the more there is to fear. But you just have this need to be with them, and when you are, it makes it a little less scary, you know?"
That doesn't even make sense , he's tempted to say.
But beyond that, he notices the meaning behind her words.
She loves him?
It doesn't even matter what type of love she was talking about. (It was platonic, he was sure.) But to hear it come out of someone's mouth; to have it be manifested into the words he never received—
Salazar, she truly is the bane of his existence.
"So, I won't leave you, Reg," Amaris speaks as if it were obvious. "You promised me the same before, haven't you?"
He mutters petulantly, "Those are just mere words… Promises are too easy to break."
"Alright, then I won't promise that I won't leave," the maiden huffed. "But if ever we do split paths one day… No matter how estranged our friendship becomes, you always have a place to return to with me."
"How stupid and so very like you," the boy dryly remarked.
She retorts simply, "In the end, it's better to give them a choice to pick you, isn't it?"
He refuses to grant her the pleasure of an answer.
But regardless, the maiden still promises, "I won't force you to stay. Just know that I'm here and I'll wait for you. Always."
Regulus turns to her, and catches her looking back.
And it warms his chest — unbearably so — to hear those words come out of her lips.
But he will never admit that to her face.
So for now, he makes a choice.
(He chooses to stay.)
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a/n: okay, so it's been awhile and i've got a lot to say...
1.) happy back to hogwarts day! and on that note, i am back (kinda). i'm truly sorry for the delay. the past year has been an entire shitshow, couple that with my non-existent mental health and a massive writer's block and you get an inevitably long hiatus.
2.) while working on this chapter, i've decided to add a soulmate-esque tweak to the story to add lore on amaris' dreams and the like. and thus, will be revising the first act of this fic (mainly the prologue and the first chapter) aside from proofreading the rest. my priority was to publish this chapter by today but otherwise, i want to add those small bits before i work on the next one.
3.) updates may still be slower than usual (because life sucks) but i really don't want to drop this fic and i have been allotting time to write. so a big thanks to all those who stuck around, thank you so much for your patience and i really hope you'll continue to stay with me 'till the end of this story.