Chapter 4 - Mill

Author's Note: Another familiar face shows up. :D And Vader finds out... certain truths. ;)

~ Amina Gila

Vader feels strangely numb as they take Obi-Wan to the nearby town center. Every moment since Mustafar he's burned – quite literally – with the furious desire to hurt his once master for what he did to him there. To – to make him to know that, and...

But it happened without him even doing it, and he still can't shake the sound of Obi-Wan's screams from mind. Still can't understand – even less so now – how he could have just walked away and left him there to die.

Vader could have done the same.

He can't deny it momentarily crossed his mind.

But he – he could never do that. Even if he hardly knows why.

And... Ahsoka is alive and here with him now, and he has no idea what to feel about that either. He knew she survived because he saw her lightsaber, but it's different seeing her here. She isn't... his Ahsoka anymore, though. She's Anakin's. And Sidious tells him over and over again that that's not who he is, even if it's...

It's not untrue, because he can't see himself as who he used to be. Too much has changed. There is no going back.

Perhaps they should talk, but he can't do that right now. He doesn't remember how to talk to anyone anymore, anyway. Not outside of the mission, and right now that is... ensuring Obi-Wan doesn't die.

Ahsoka seems in equal shock, though, because she doesn't initiate any conversation either.

He also needs to track down Abeloth, and perhaps he will have to meditate more deeply to do that. Being with Ahsoka and Obi-Wan again is reminding him too much of last time, and he doesn't want to think about it, a time when they were happy.

Moving is always agonizing, but he's too agitated to hold still, and if he does stop, he'll never want to start moving again. He's pacing back and forth in the hall outside of the room Obi-Wan's being treated in now, just...

He doesn't know what he's even going to do now. Obi-Wan and Ahsoka are both Jedi, and he... has to turn them. Or kill them, because it's his duty. He's... contemplated turning Obi-Wan for a long time now; in many ways, it would be the best form of... vengeance.

Though the thought of taking any vengeance at all right now leaves him feeling totally numb. He never expected seeing his once master hurt the same way he hurt him would leave him feeling like this.

And Ahsoka... he can't imagine her as being any way other than what she is. (He wants to protect her, to keep her safe, even now, even if she's not... his. That's why he never tried to find her before, because she would be safer if she were away from him.)

"Anakin?"

Her voice snaps him out of his thoughts, and he turns, meeting her gaze. She's shaded over in red now, the same as everything he sees is. And he doesn't know what to say to her. "Yes?"

"Why did you Fall?" she asks, something accusing, confused, and hurt at once in her voice,"What happened?"

It's not something he could even begin answering. He can't even think about most of it, even if it haunts him constantly. All he wanted was to save Padme and his child, and they died by his own hand instead. "The Jedi committed treason," Vader replies, finally.

"What?" Ahsoka demands, incredulously, "They would never do that!"

"I was there. Windu attempted to assassinate the Chancellor, in cold blood. He was defenseless." And Windu was practically torturing him, with his own lightning, even if that was half Sidious' fault, too. And Vader couldn't just... stand by, watching the very head of the Order betray everything he claimed they stood for.

She looks momentarily taken aback at the words. "But he's a Sith," she objects, finally, "He had to be stopped, and Sith are never truly defenseless, are they?"

Perhaps not. Certainly not Sidious, but that doesn't change what it was. "I saw what the Jedi intended to do," he replies, firmly, "They were going to overthrow the Republic."

"Even if that were true, why would that make you Fall?" she protests.

"The Master of the Order was willing to violate all principles he Jedi claimed to hold. I did not know how far it went," he answers, bluntly. But discussing this is pointless. "Why is it that you are here?"

"I –" Ahsoka cuts herself off, crossing her arms, like she's weighing how much she should or shouldn't say. "I'm tracking Abeloth. And you?"

"I have been sent to deal with her, as well," he confirms, "We must move quickly if we are to find her." That – this is one thing he does want. To fight alongside Ahsoka again, even if they... are supposed to be enemies. He can figure out what to do about that once the mission is over.

"We do need to," she agrees, reluctantly, "It will be easier if we work together. But I still have questions. You're still... working with the Empire now?"

"Yes."

"Why? Haven't you seen what they're doing?" she demands.

"It is bringing peace and order to the galaxy," he asserts. At least that's what it's supposed to be doing. It's not working like he imagined, but when they're trying to rebuild from the ashes of the Republic, it's... hard. Especially when it's not as if the people in charge now are any different than the Republic.

"Peace?" she repeats, incredulously, "I can't believe you haven't seen the death and destruction the Empire is causing. And I don't just mean in the Rebellion. I watched an entire village burned to the ground because of me, because an Inquisitor was searching for me, as a Jedi. And the people didn't even know anything."

Vader stills.

Of course, Ahsoka would be constantly in danger because of the hunt for the Jedi. He knew that, but he never realized how close she might have come to dying because of it. And... the rest...

"There is still undeniably much corruption," he answers, at length. It sounds lame, like nothing more than an excuse, which is... true. Sidious promised to root it all out, but it's not happening like he said. "It is little different than the Republic."

"At least in the Republic, the Jedi were still there so we could actually do something about it," she argues, with every bit of the passion and fierceness she's always had for what she believes in. She's always seen things in black and white, and he's not surprised she's unwilling to listen to any of this, but – First, he should focus on the current mission from Sidious. Then... he will worry about after, later.

Except it's at that very moment he suddenly senses... something. It's a Force presence – why is it so familiar? – that brushes against his, before just as quickly pulling away, but it was enough to know that there must be another Jedi right here.

Whoever it was, it was too fast and fleeting for him to grasp properly. He reaches out with the Force again, instantly, searching.

But he doesn't have to start looking because then a black-haired Zabrak rounds the corner. She looks about fifteen, and even if she's tinged in red thanks to his visors, the Force presence is too familiar. He only knew Mill briefly, once in the mission to Cato Neimoidia to save Obi-Wan, and then later, when they were fighting Abeloth, but he could never forget her.

Why is it that everyone from when they last fought the Mother are suddenly coming back together?

Mill had given him what no one ever did. A belief that he might matter for something other than his power, even if he knows now it's untrue.

And she's... alive. He truly hadn't thought of her since everything fell, but he can't deny the... relief he feels. She would never be a threat to the Empire. She never wanted to fight before; he doesn't believe she would now, either. And if she was planning to fight, she certainly wouldn't be hiding out here, working as some kind of medical assistant.

Mill is staring up at him, eyes wide with shock, and he can only imagine what she's sensing. She knows who he is, too.

"Master Skywalker?" she breathes finally, faintly. The light she always shone of is dimmer now, greyed over with the darkness that now covers the entire galaxy, but it's still there.

"That is no longer who I am." The two years ago that it was might as well have been another lifetime, a life lived by someone else. (Even if seeing Ahsoka again is making him question if everything is as truly gone as he thought.)

"You – you're – what happened?"

"He Fell," Ahsoka interjects, uncertainly, "I don't understand what happened, either."

Mill's gaze darts back to him, and she winces slightly, reaching up to press a hand to her head. If anything, she looks oddly close to tears, but that might be because she can pick up on... much of what he's feeling. She always could strongly sense emotions. "But you – you're in so much pain," she blurts.

"That is the way of the Sith," Vader replies, ignoring the way he can feel Ahsoka's gaze boring into him.

She bites down on her lip, eyes glimmering with unshed tears. "Who did this to you?"

There are many answers he can give to that, but all he can feel suddenly, facing her, and Ahsoka again, especially, is a smothering wave of self-loathing. "I did."

"That doesn't make sense. You – you're injured," Mill argues, "That..."

Ahsoka's eyes narrow, and he feels a sharp flare of horror. "Is that what your armor is for?" she demands.

"Yes."

"What happened?" she presses, stepping closer, a sudden edge of anger in her voice, "How... bad is it? Was it Sidious?"

Vader clenches his left hand; it's sometimes still jarring to feel nothing when he does that. And he doesn't want to talk about this. At all. It's enough that the memory consumes his every waking moment and has every second the past two years since it happened. "Obi-Wan did it."

"What?" Mill squeaks, eyes wide.

"Obi-Wan hurt you?" Ahsoka repeats, incredulously.

"We fought, after everything fell. I do not wish to speak of this."

They both fall quiet at that, even if he can tell they still have many questions.

"You're searching for Abeloth?" Mill asks, finally.

"Yes."

"I sensed her come on planet, but I didn't know what to do. If you need help, I can come. I might be able to help track her down."

That... is a good point. He never imagined he might fight alongside her again. "Come then," he replies, striding for the door. The mission is what they need to be focusing on, anyway. "But remain out of danger. You do not have a weapon." At least, he assumes she doesn't because she never did in the past.

Vader pilots the ship as they take off. He can hear Mill and Ahsoka conversing about something – likely him – in the hold before coming to join him in the cockpit.

Vader reaches out with the Force, searching for where Abeloth's twisted presence is. He can sense Mill doing likewise, her soft presence pressing close to his own, and it reminds him sharply again, of times long ago. Has it really only been two years? Over half the length of the war, and everything –

It doesn't matter.

He's Vader now. He can't be the person they used to know, like undoubtedly, they're going to want.

"We're on the right trail. Keep going south," Mill's voice filters in from far away.

"Yes," Vader agrees. He can sense it, too, and he turns his focus back to tracking the Force creature.

There's a danger she could destroy their ship, so he stays ready to lash out if he feels her too close.

And then, he senses it, a second before the Force wraps around their ship, trying to crush it, with them inside. Vader fights against it instantly, stubbornly holding out his own shield to keep her from touching it, but she's powerful. It's growing increasingly hard to hold her off, no matter how much his anger and pain fuel him.

But he will not let her hurt Ahsoka, no matter what. Or Mill.

He can't fly the ship at the same time, though, and he doesn't have the mental space to tell the other two that either. He loses control of the ship, and it spirals for the ground. Ahsoka barely makes it to the copilot seat to get it under control before it crashes.

The jolt throws all of them forwards, sending a stab of agony through Vader's back and skin, and... everywhere really, but it fuels him in fighting back Abeloth and that's what matters.

Finally, she pulls back, but that only means another attack is coming. Even if he doesn't see her anywhere around here. She could be concealing herself in literally any form, though, so that means nothing.

He motions for the others to follow, heading down the ramp.

A dark, nearly gleeful laugh rings from everywhere and nowhere at once, as Vader steps outside. "You cannot find me." Her voice echoes around them, as though she's standing beneath and above them at once.

He braces himself for an attack, perhaps from vines like she once did, but nothing happens.

"You cannot stop me from taking what is rightfully mine."

"The lives of all the people you're killing senselessly aren't yours to take," Ahsoka snaps, drawing her lightsabers, looking around.

Abeloth chuckles again; something about it is putting Vader more on edge than normal. There's something... "Not that. You and your friends took my children from me once, and now, I will take his."

...What?

It leaves everyone momentarily dumbstruck and confused, or maybe that's her point. Throwing them off-guard by saying something totally nonsensical, but that doesn't mean Vader remotely appreciates the jab at how his child is gone. He would've lashed out, if he even knew where she was.

"You didn't know?" she asks, "They're alive, Vader. Your children are alive."

"What?" he demands, voice rising. It feels true, even though it doesn't make any sense.

And what does she mean by saying that in plural? For that matter, how would she even know if this were true? It's not as if there's any children here, are there?

"Did your friends take that from you, too?" she asks, mildly, "But no matter. You refused what I gave you, and now, they are mine. Do not worry. I will not harm them. I have other uses for them, even if you will never see them again."

And then, he suddenly feels her presence receding.

"What is she talking about?" Mill asks, confused.

Ahsoka slowly turns to look at him. "Is that... true? You had children?!"

The sharp wave of grief that stabs through him is far more agonizing than the constant physical pain. "I would have. But she is gone." His daughter and Padme both.

"She?" Ahsoka repeats, eyes widening, "I – I was sent here after someone's adopted daughter, who Abeloth took."

Vader feels momentarily frozen. Is this real? Is it – "What was her name?" he asks.

"Leia."

It feels like the world's stopped moving, because – because – That was the name he picked out for her. That doesn't mean with any certainty that it's her, but there's still a chance. Unless Abeloth was lying, and he doesn't think... But there's only knows one person who will know.

But if they have the chance to catch up with the Mother first, they need to follow, so Vader scrambles back for the ship, firing up the engines, and he and Mill start tracking again. They don't get much further, before they see Abeloth's ship taking off – the one Vader has a tracker on. He can see where it's moving on his scanners.

They're gaining ground, but it's not fast enough. The ship streaks away into hyperspace, and Vader feels her presence fade out, along with the two other bright Force presences he hadn't truly noticed, until now.

Children, she had said.

Is it really true? It seems impossible, because Padme died by his hand. Sidious said so. But... The only one who can answer this is Obi-Wan.

"We will have to wait until she arrives at her destination. I am tracking her ship," Vader says, grimly. He doesn't want to wait, especially not if his child – children? – are in danger. It's too mind-bogging to believe.

He lets the navicomputer on the ship work on trying to calculate all possible trajectories for Abeloth's hyperspace jump, but it's not pulling up anything.

There are no known hyperspace routes or planets in that direction. For now, all he can do is wait until she's out of hyperspace, to try tracking her to her destination.

**w**

Neither of the others speak as they fly back to the medbay. Vader's grateful for that; his emotions are too turbulent to carry on any conversation right now.

Everything he thought he knew feels like it's falling apart again, not that there's anything left to fall apart. But he needs answers. Now. How could his child – children? – be alive?

"Can I speak with him now?" Vader asks, turning to Mill. He doesn't know exactly how serious Obi-Wan's injuries were, after all.

"I'll check on him," she offers immediately, disappearing into the room. He paces back and forth, impatience growing with each passing moment. What could Abeloth even want with them?! If she wanted to kill them, she would've already, and yet...

Finally, Mill returns to say that Obi-Wan is ready to talk to him. and suddenly, a part of him just... freezes. He – he doesn't know if he's even ready to have whatever conversation they're about to. Not that it matters. His wants are immaterial when his children's lives are on the line. If they exist, and that's what he wants to know most of all.

Vader tries to ignore the fear clawing through him, as he steps into the room. Obi-Wan is standing, watching him, arms crossed, an unreadable look in his eyes. His Force presence is far stormier than it was two years ago, but he... looks pretty much the same, other than the red tint. It's hard seeing him again.

And strange to see him without that... desire to hurt him, that he's felt much of the time he thinks of him since Mustafar. After seeing him hurt like that, he doesn't want that. Doesn't know why he ever did, except he couldn't understand why Obi-Wan did what he did, even if Vader deserved it. But he understands even less now.

For a moment, he wonders how recovered Obi-Wan is from his injuries, but – It's not like it's something he could ask. He doesn't know what to make of the momentary flare of relief at not seeing Obi-Wan so still and... injured like he was before. Even if Vader doesn't want to – to see him ready to fight again, either. He already knows how easily a fight could go badly if it happened.

They're still... enemies. They always will be, won't they? It shouldn't hurt as much as it does, especially given that he doesn't think he could tolerate being close to him right now, so soon anyway.

Well, they'll be enemies unless he can convince Obi-Wan to join him. Unless – But that's irrelevant right now.

"Did my child live?" Vader demands, getting straight to the point. He can't handle speaking of anything else. Nothing else matters more, anyway.

Obi-Wan momentarily freezes. It's a moment too long to mean anything but confirmation.

"They are," he realizes. It's – it – he has no idea what to think, now that he has the confirmation.

"How do you know?" Obi-Wan demands, sharply.

"Abeloth mentioned that she had them," Ahsoka speaks up.

Obi-Wan glances at her, his fear suddenly flaring. "The other one, too?"

Suddenly, Vader wonders if this is what Obi-Wan was doing out here. He was admittedly confused as to how they all ended up in the same place at the same time. "Is that why you were here? To follow the other? What was their name?" Vader asks. He... needs to know.

Obi-Wan's eyes narrow as he looks at him. "Yes, it is. His name... is Luke."

Luke, the other name he chose, because Padme was always insistent that it would be a boy.

"Why are you here?" Obi-Wan presses.

"To stop Abeloth," Vader answers, shortly. That they're not even talking about what happened or... anything, is almost making this worse. Even if he really doesn't want to. He just... wants to be away. He thought he wanted revenge, and he got that, and it didn't... help. Now, he doesn't even know. (He wants to be with Obi-Wan again, so much, to have what they once did or at least the part that wasn't anything but a lie, but seeing him again, imagining being with him like before fills him with an unclenching terror. It's only been two years, and –)

"And now, to find my children. How – how did they live?" He still doesn't understand that.

Obi-Wan studies him for a long moment. What he's trying to read, Vader has no idea. "Padme didn't die there. It wasn't until later. No one could determine the cause of death."

Vader feels... frozen. He didn't kill Padme. He didn't –

"What are you talking about?" Ahsoka interjects, frowning.

Obi-Wan glances from him to the Togruta, and a sudden fear tightens inside of Vader. He – he doesn't want Ahsoka to know everything that happened the day. (He doesn't want her to walk away from him, like Obi-Wan did.) Even if he doesn't know if she would actually do that. "I knew Padme would... die," Vader answers, instead. Thinking about her this much hurts. It's only been two years, and it's – Everything is too fresh. "But I do not know if it happened the way I saw." He doesn't understand at all, honestly.

"What do you mean 'the way you saw'?" Obi-Wan asks, raising an eyebrow.

He doesn't owe him any answers, but Ahsoka's obviously hanging on every word of the conversation. She'll probably press if he ignores the question. "I had visions. Of her death. I did all I could to stop it, but it was not enough."

Her eyes widen. "Oh. Was that part of why you..."

He turns away. "Yes."

"You were having visions?" Obi-Wan asks, sounding totally mind-blown. "You never... said anything about that."

As if he could have. "I spoke to Master Yoda," he replies, shortly, "He told me to let her die."

"What?" Mill squeaks, eyes widening.

"I cannot believe he said it in those words," Obi-Wan objects.

"Rejoice as she became one with the Force," Vader snarls. He never forget the – the sheer hopelessness tearing him apart after that.

Mill is looking dangerously close to tears again, not so unlike Vader is feeling – which is probably the reason. They've talked about this more than enough for now.

Ahsoka steps forwards suddenly, lightly touching his right arm, though she's clearly uncertain if he'll appreciate the gesture or not. As if he could ever mind. He hasn't felt touch – not that he can now either – in so long. Sometimes, being able to feel nothing but the bacta and the cold metal of his suit is as much a torture as everything else. "I think we should focus on finding Abeloth now."

"Do you know where she is?" Obi-Wan asks.

"I am tracking her on my ship," Vader replies, "We will leave as soon as I determine her location."

"You're... going with us?"

"We flew with him before," Ahsoka offers. "Unless you two would prefer going in different ships..."

Obi-Wan turns to look at Vader again. He can't tell what that look is supposed to mean. Assessing a threat, perhaps.

"You're willing to work together on this?" he asks, dubiously.

The words rub him totally the wrong way, even if it's probably a fair question. They were just trying to kill each other. "Are you?" Vader throws back.

"If it is to find the twins, yes. For now."

An irrational surge of jealousy courses through him, thinking of... how Oni-Wan already knows them, and Vader was never given the chance. But now, at least there may be some hope of finding them. He'll have the chance to be with them.

He also doesn't much want to think of what Obi-Wan means by "for now".

**w**

On second thought, now that they're all on the ship, in hyperspace together, Vader almost wishes he said he wanted Obi-Wan to go alone. Being in closed quarters with him, when there's nowhere he can go that he doesn't sense him right on the other side of the wall is... hard. It's only making him more restless, and he can't hold still right now. He's pacing back and forth in the hold of the ship when the door opens, Mill stepping into the room.

She volunteered to come with them, because they need all the help they can get, and calling in non-Force-sensitives would only get them killed needlessly. The Inquisitors would not be of much use either, and Vader doesn't trust them to be here with... everyone else.

"Are you... alright?" Mill asks.

When was the last time someone asked him that?

Not that he even knows the answer. He... doesn't know if he ever has been. (Clearly not, or he wouldn't be the monster he is now.) "Yes."

She bites her lip, studying him – very obviously disbelieving, but knowing better than to push when it's not as if they really know each other, even if... they do care for each other.

"Do not concern yourself with It," Vader adds, after a pause.

"But you're always hurting," she objects, "You –"

"That is the way of the Sith." It's not as if he doesn't deserve it, either, even he still doesn't want to accept that he's going to spend the rest of his life like this. (Maybe Obi-Wan will kill him, and finally set him free.)

"Could I... help?" she asks, uncertainly, "At least for your physical condition? I – I can't imagine it has to hurt. I might be able to... do Force-healing."

He wants to agree. He really, really does but it's not realistic. He'd have to be gone too long, and Sidious would never allow it. Besides, if it were possible that could help, his master would've already had it done, right? That doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate her offer, even if he can't understand why she's offering it. He killed her people. He... "It is unnecessary," he replies, finally.

He would've thanked her for the offer anyway, if he even knew how anymore.

"Okay," she concedes finally, still eyeing him searchingly. "You can tell me if you change your mind. I... don't want you to keep feeling this way."

... What? Why would she care?

"I deserve no less."

"You do not!" she replies, fiercely, looking almost aghast, "No one deserves to feel like this."

"You do not know what I have done," Vader replies, evenly.

"It – it doesn't matter. That doesn't mean you should... have to be like this. Not if there's a way it can be helped."

Vader doesn't know what to say to that, other than another vehement disagreement, so he stays quiet. (If he didn't deserve it, Obi-Wan wouldn't have done it in the first place, right? He was never cruel. He wasn't. But why – That doesn't mean Vader can ever stop wondering why. But if his once master really thought he deserved this, then he must have. Even if he doesn't want to accept that he's going to be trapped like this forever.)

Mill falls silent, too, and they just stay there together.

Vader finds being in her presence strangely comforting, even if it doesn't really make sense. He's been alone for two years now, alone from everyone he ever knew. He never realized how much that aching emptiness was eating him alive until right now when he's not alone anymore. He's glad to be with them (maybe even Obi-Wan but he... doesn't know) and he... he's going to find his children.

That's... far better than anything he could ever have expected from this mission.

Abeloth's ship disappeared into Wild Space, before the tracker stopped working, and Vader is almost certain she must have gone to Mortis, the same place that, years ago, he ended up with Obi-Wan and Ahsoka. Going back will not be easy, not that any of this is. But he will have to be ready. For anything.

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