Thy Name is Agony
Ch. 3 - Bargaining
Written by Celtic Pixie
"Every broken heart has screamed at one time or another: Why can't you see who I truly am?"
― Shannon L. Alder
~0~
Obi Wan likely lost consciousness without being aware of it. He suddenly woke up with a jolt, feeling a pulsating pain in his neck from resting it on the table. As he raised his hand to massage the discomfort, he noticed an alcoholic beverage bottle that was mostly consumed, about two thirds empty.
Corellian whiskey - powerful stuff; a woody, spicy flavor similar to the scent of Caamasi. He tried using the force to nullify its effects, but to no avail.
The loss of his master had left Obi Wan adrift, disconnected from the force that had once been his guiding light. He had always relied on it for strength, clarity, and purpose. But now, it felt distant and elusive, like trying to grasp at a fading dream.
Grief weighed heavily on his heart, intertwining with his connection to the force. It was as if a part of him had been torn away, leaving behind an emptiness that couldn't be filled. The loss of Qui Gon not only left Obi Wan without guidance but also stripped away the foundation on which he had built his entire life.
As he sat upright, a wave of dizziness hit him, causing him to steady himself against the edge of the table. He glanced out of the window, but all he saw was darkness. He'd been so consumed by his own rage that he hadn't realized the day had slipped away from him. Obi Wan wasn't normally this irresponsible.
Obi Wan tried to meditate, seeking solace and answers within the force. But instead of finding clarity, all he encountered was a void. It was disorienting and unsettling, like being adrift in an endless sea without any sight of land. Guilt gnawed at him as he replayed the events in his mind. He blamed himself for not being strong enough to save Qui Gon or prevent his own connection to the force from faltering. Doubt crept in, whispering dark thoughts that threatened to consume him entirely.
He questioned whether he was worthy enough to continue down the path of a Jedi Knight without his master by his side. Doubts crept into his mind - doubts about his abilities as a warrior and doubts about his understanding of the force itself. How could he move forward when everything that had defined him seemed out of reach?
The whiskey bottle was still there, calling to him. And Obi Wan listened. A part of his conscious was screaming at him. He chose to ignore it, focus on his own pain for just once. So, he reached for the bottle, forgoing the empty glass. As the liquid traveled down his throat, it seared with intensity; nevertheless, he relished its flavor and the sensations it evoked - particularly forgetfulness, which was precisely what he sought.
The whiskey burned its way through Obi Wan's body, numbing his senses and temporarily drowning out the noise in his mind. With each sip, he felt a sense of relief wash over him, as if the weight of the world was being momentarily lifted from his shoulders.
The bottle in Obi Wan's hand suddenly felt heavier, burdened by the weight of regret and sorrow that swelled within him. He knew deep down that drowning his sorrows in alcohol would never erase the pain or bring back what was lost. It was merely a temporary refuge, a fleeting moment of solace amidst the chaos of his existence.
As he took another swig from the bottle, memories began to blur and fade. Faces became hazy, emotions dulled. And for a brief moment, Obi Wan allowed himself to drift away on the currents of intoxication.
All the necessary pre-flight tasks had been completed - the astromech droid had been integrated into the ship's mainframe, the engine had been filled with fuel. The only thing remaining was Qui Gon.
And so, he waited... and waited... and waited. It was unlike his master to be late.
The astromech droid A6-G2 emitted a calm beep from inside the ship, notifying Obi Wan that the flight plan had been modified to accommodate the revised departure time. This was the fifth occasion in which the droid had provided this information.
Obi Wan's heart raced faster and faster. Each beat echoed in his ears. His chest tightened, squeezing his lungs tighter and tighter, making it increasingly more difficult to draw in a steady breath.
Obi Wan's mind raced with a mixture of confusion and disbelief. He couldn't fathom why Qui Gon would abandon their mission, especially without any warning or explanation. The weight of the situation settled heavily on his shoulders as he tried to make sense of it all. He wondered if he had missed something, if there were signs he should have recognized earlier that hinted at Qui Gon's departure. Doubt began to creep into his mind, questioning his own abilities and judgment.
As he stood there, grappling with these overwhelming emotions, Obi Wan felt a mix of anger and sadness wash over him. How could Qui Gon leave him like this? Without any guidance or support, he felt lost and abandoned.
Obi Wan told himself there had to be a reason why his master wasn't there. He walked over to the wall and connected to the Temple comms system then sent an open link to Qui Gon's room, thinking the man would surely answer if he was still inside. It was an agonizing long time the teenager left the link open for; even if the man was under the weather or drifting between consciousness, Qui Gon would have answered his padawan.
But the comms were silent. The pit in Obi Wan's stomach continue to plummet. Reality hit him like a ton of bricks - Qui Gon wasn't late at all; he just wasn't coming.
The young padawan checked in with Meba Fonox; "Do you know, um - has Master Dooku's ship left port yet?"
Only to be disappointed with the Ortolan's answer, that the Count's ship had left sometime late last night, which gave rise to Obi Wan's fears that his master had forsaken the Order and left with Dooku.
Obi Wan always questioned his own abilities but had he really been that terrible of a padawan to Master Jinn?
His longing stare at Qui Gon's door only compounded his racing thoughts. He desperately wanted some answers. And he felt entirely pathetic thinking that his master would so willingly leave him behind without a second thought.
But if Qui Gon truly was gone, what would that mean for Obi Wan? What Jedi Master would take on a padawan already trained by someone else?
He had been staring at the empty bottle for what felt like an eternity, contemplating whether he should take that final sip. The weight of his decisions and the burdens he carried were heavy on his shoulders, pushing him closer to the edge.
Obi Wan knew he couldn't continue down this path of self-destruction. With a sigh, he lowered the bottle from his lips, its contents untouched.
Taking slow, deliberate breaths, he attempted to regain control over his racing mind. With each inhale and exhale, he consciously let go of the defeating thoughts that plagued him. It was a battle against himself, a struggle for mental clarity and resilience.
He needed someone. Normally, he'd meditate or, when his mind was too messed up for that, Obi Wan would seek out his Master. Qui Gon had been that soundboard for Obi Wan when Obi Wan couldn't quiet his mind. But today, that wouldn't happen. He was gone, leaving Obi Wan to carry on without his guidance.
Obi Wan's breathing hitched, a sense of loss weighing heavily on his heart. He had lost more than just a Master; he had lost a friend and confidant. Qui Gon Jinn had always been there for him when he needed it most.
With a heavy sigh, Obi Wan reached for his comlink only for him to realize its shattered pieces lay in a crumbled mess on the floor. He felt even more defeated, and desperately craved that last ounce of Corellian whiskey. Instead, a glance around the room revealed a small communications table. Obi Wan staggered to his feet, using the back of the chair to steady himself, then wandered just a few feet away.
There, he found a working holocomm device resting on the table. It was old and worn, but it seemed to be in functioning condition. Obi Wan's heart skipped a beat as a glimmer of hope sparked within him.
With trembling hands, he activated the holocomm and began searching through its database for any available channels or frequencies. The room fell silent except for the faint buzz of static emanating from the device.
After what felt like an eternity, a flickering holographic display materialized above the holocomm. A familiar face appeared before Obi Wan - Satine Kryze. The Duchess looked concerned yet relieved to see him.
"Obi, my dear," her voice crackled through the speakers, "I was not expecting this communique from you, though it is a welcomed sight to see your face again."
Obi Wan couldn't help but smile weakly at the sight of his love. "Satine, I'm glad to hear your voice too..."
Satine's ears perked up, sensing Obi Wan's distress. "What is it?"
With a deep breath, Obi Wan recounted the events to Satine, beginning with the Battle of Naboo. He spoke with a mix of sorrow and determination, making sure to include every detail, no matter how painful.
His words painted a vivid image for Satine to follow.
"We managed to reach the heart of Theed Palace," Obi-Wan said, pausing momentarily as images flashed through his mind. "But our victory came at a great cost." His voice wavered slightly as he approached the part that still haunted him.
Satine listened attentively, her expression a mix of sympathy and concern. Her holo image reached out to touch Obi-Wan's hand comfortingly before urging him to continue.
He closed his eyes for a brief moment, trying to push away the memories that threatened to overwhelm him. "We fought valiantly, but in the midst of it all, Master Qui-Gon - he," Obi Wan paused as sobs choked his throat, "I watched as Maul put a lightsaber through his body."
Satine's eyes widened with shock and sadness. She had known him - once. She knew him to be a great man. To hear that he had fallen was devastating news.
Obi-Wan continued, his voice heavy with guilt. "I couldn't save him, Satine. I failed him when he needed me most." His hand trembled slightly.
Satine's holo image reached out again, this time resting her hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "Obi-Wan, you mustn't blame yourself," she said softly. "You did everything you could."
Tears welled up in Obi-Wan's eyes as he looked at Satine's comforting presence beside him. "But I was his Padawan, Satine," he whispered brokenly. "It was my duty to protect him."
"Is it not a Jedi Master's duty to guide their padawans? To train them, and yes, to protect them," Satine replied softly, placing a gentle hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "But even the strongest of Jedi cannot always prevent tragedy or loss."
Obi-Wan nodded, his voice choked with emotion. "I know... but it still feels like I failed him. I wish..."
Satine's gaze softened as she met Obi-Wan's tear-filled eyes.
"If only - if only I had been fast enough to catch up, I could have prevented this. I could have saved him. It should have been me; I wish it had been - "
The Duchess observed his weary expression. "Losing someone dear is never easy," she offered softly. "Especially when they are taken from us too soon."
Obi Wan sighed heavily, his gaze fixed on his clasped hands. "Yes... Qui-Gon was like a father to me," he admitted quietly. "His loss still weighs heavily on my heart."
Satine reached out and placed her hand gently on his, offering a comforting touch. "I can understand your pain, Obi Wan," she said, her voice filled with empathy. "The loss of someone we hold dear leaves an emptiness that cannot be easily filled."
Obi Wan paused briefly, maintaining a silence as he contemplated Satine's words. He deeply internalized her message, acknowledging her good intentions and understanding them.
The Duchess frowned, sensing something else was bothering her beloved. "What troubles you further, my dear?" she asked softly, her voice filled with concern.
Nothing gets past her, thought Obi Wan. "There is a small child - a boy, Master Qui Gon and I encountered him on Tatooine. He's strong in the force, Satine. Much stronger than Master Yoda..."
"Qui Gon was to train him then?"
"Well, yes, that was his intention, but the Code forbids taking two padawans on at once. My Master, he - he spoke in favor of my readiness to become a Knight and I, feeling put off, agreed. I think he wanted to replace me."
Satine, who had been listening intently to Obi Wan's words, furrowed her brow in concern. She knew how important Qui Gon was to him and the thought of being replaced must have weighed heavily on his heart.
"Obi Wan," Satine began softly, "I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. But remember, Qui Gon believed in you and saw your potential."
Obi Wan nodded, even if a part of him didn't feel the same. "He was the only one who did. The council didn't think I was ready. I mean, most padawans are made Knights in their mid-twenties; some as late as twenty-nine."
Satine smiled. "You had Qui Gon's faith in you, and you have mine."
Obi-Wan appreciated Satine's words, but deep down, he couldn't completely shake off the doubts that lingered within him. He had always admired Qui-Gon Jinn, his former master, and valued his belief in him.
~*/*~
The Queen had a meal planned, but Obi Wan wasn't feeling very hungry. He made an excuse and recused himself from the room; his quick exit didn't leave room for someone to argue.
Obi Wan entered his guest quarters, feeling a mix of exhaustion and sorrow. The weight of recent events was still heavy on his shoulders, and he longed for a moment of solitude to process it all. As he approached the small bar area in the room, he reached out for a bottle of Alderaanian whiskey.
Just as Obi Wan was about to pour himself a drink, he heard a soft voice behind him. "Obi Wan," it said, with a hint of familiarity.
Surprised, he turned around to find the Duchess of Mandalore standing there, her golden hair cascading down her shoulders.
"Satine," Obi Wan breathed, his surprise turning into a mixture of relief and concern. The two had shared a complicated history.
Satine Kryze, the Duchess of Mandalore, was known for her strong-willed nature and unwavering dedication to peace and diplomacy. She was someone Obi Wan respected deeply, not just as a political leader but also as a friend-the term carried a certain untruth to it; they were far more than mere friends, to themselves. To everyone else?
"What are you doing here?" Obi Wan asked, his voice filled with genuine curiosity. He couldn't help but notice the sorrow in Satine's eyes, mirroring his own emotions.
Satine approached him with a kind smile and elegantly wrapped her arms around him. Slowly, he surrendered to her hug, pressing his face against the back of her neck which emitted a comforting warmth. Her scent enveloped him, a mix of vanilla and flowers that always made his heart race. Satine's touch was soft and comforting, her arms providing a safe haven he couldn't resist. As she held him tightly, he felt all the tension and worries of the day melt away.
Satine's gentle caresses on his back sent shivers down his spine, igniting a fire within him. The warmth of her body pressed against his made him feel alive, connected to something greater than himself. Her presence grounded him, reminding him of the beauty and joy that existed in the simplest gestures of love.
As he buried his face in the nape of her neck, he could feel her heartbeat against his cheek – a steady rhythm that soothed his soul. Her hair tickled his skin as she whispered sweet nothings into his ear, filling him with an overwhelming sense of contentment.
The world around them faded into insignificance as they stood there, wrapped up in their own little bubble of bliss.
Satine smiled gently at him; her blue eyes filled with compassion. "I hope you don't mind my intrusion," she said softly. "I thought you might appreciate some company."
Obi Wan couldn't help but feel touched by her gesture. Despite their differing paths and conflicting duties during, there had always been an unspoken connection between them. They had shared moments that transcended politics and duty – moments when they were simply two souls seeking solace in each other's presence.
As Satine's hand caressed his skin, he smiled. "I have missed you."
The words were barely audible, his voice quivering with emotion. The weight of their separation had been unbearable, and now that they were finally reunited, he couldn't contain the flood of emotions that consumed him.
"I missed you too," she whispered softly, her voice filled with equal parts pain and longing. It was as if their souls were speaking directly to each other, understanding the depth of their shared connection.
Her fingers traced delicate patterns along his jawline, memorizing every contour and curve. The warmth of their bodies melded together, creating an electric current that surged through their veins. It was a moment of pure vulnerability, where nothing else mattered.
Satine pressed into Obi Wan, firmly planting a hand on his chest. As the warmth and comfort of his body enveloped her, she smiled as his heartbeat thrummed under her palm, offering a sense of respite from her own chaotic life. In that moment, all the chaos and uncertainty of their current situation seemed to fade away.
Obi Wan's steady breathing matched the rhythm of his heart, creating a soothing melody that lulled his own anxious mind. She closed her eyes, taking in the scent of him, a mix of earthy notes and something uniquely Obi Wan.
He grasped her hand and brought it to his lips, where he planted a sweet kiss across her knuckles.
She blushed, feeling a flutter of excitement in her chest. The simple gesture sent shivers down her spine, making her heart skip a beat. His lips were warm against her skin, and she couldn't help but smile at the tenderness behind his actions.
He looked past her for a moment, to the forgotten and abandoned robes laying precariously over the arm of a chair, and he frowned, "I am to meet with Master Yoda soon. The council is deliberating on Anakin's future. I -" Obi Wan shut his eyes.
"Will their decision change yours at all?"
Shaking his head, Obi Wan opened his eyes. "No. I made a commitment to Qui Gon. I will train the boy, regardless of their answer."
~*/*~
Obi Wan's heart weighed heavy as he stood in the solemn room of the Theed temple.
In the center of the room, a bier held Qui Gon Jinn's lifeless body, draped in white cloth. His features were peaceful, as if he had found serenity even in death. Obi Wan couldn't help but feel a mix of grief and gratitude for his fallen mentor. The plaza just outside buzzed with activity as people from all walks of life gathered to pay their respects.
Citizens of Naboo, fellow Jedi, and even diplomats from other planets came together to honor Qui Gon Jinn's memory.
He paced the room, dressed in fresh clothing. The garments were comfortable, loose-fitting, and a light brown color. Qui Gon's lightsaber, now his own, hanging from his belt.
His footsteps echoed softly on the polished wooden floor, matching the rhythm of his racing thoughts. He could still hear Qui Gon's voice in his mind, guiding him through countless missions and imparting wisdom upon him.
His hand instinctively reached for Qui Gon's lightsaber, feeling its smooth hilt against his palm. It held not only sentimental value but also embodied the power and responsibility. Obi Wan stopped his pacing for the moment, staring at nothing in particular, his thoughts reflective of Qui Gon.
The door opened, and Master Yoda appeared. His entrance was a slow shuffle across the floor whilst leaning heavily on his walking stick.
Obi Wan took a knee. "Master Yoda," he bowed his head respectfully.
"Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight, the council does," the Jedi Master said, then continued, and his words pierced Obi Wan's heart. "But agree with your taking this boy as your padawan learner, I do not."
The newly minted Jedi Knight bristled. "Qui Gon believed in him."
"A great warrior was Qui Gon Jinn," Yoda gargled softly, the tone in his voice hanging with a hint of sadness. "The Chosen One the boy may be. Nevertheless, great fear I sense in his training."
Obi Wan took a breath, calming the racing heart in his chest. "Master Yoda - I gave Qui Gon my word; I will train Anakin! Without the council's approval if I must." Moments of defiance excited him, the adrenaline pumping wild in his veins.
"Qui Gon's defiance I sense in you," Yoda scolded, "need that you do not."
He stood his ground, undeterred. "He saw in the boy what many of us hadn't. I, too, doubted him, and that was my own mistake."
"Clouded this boy's future remains, Obi Wan. So sure, you are with him."
There was a long silence between them. Sounds of funeral preparations had continued outside the room. Obi Wan buttoned his lips, unsure of what to say.
Yoda shifted towards a spot in the room where the dimming sunlight streamed in through a window, casting a gentle and golden glow. Evening was drawing near, marking the scheduled moment for Qui Gon's funeral.
At long last, the Jedi Master looked back at Obi Wan - a young man still very much inexperienced in many ways. "Agree with you the council does. Your apprentice, young Skywalker, will be."
Obi Wan bowed.
~*/*~
Flames grew steadily around Qui Gon's body, enveloping and consuming the once living and breathing Jedi Master.
All those in attendance had encircled the pyre, their faces solemn and filled with grief. Obi-Wan Kenobi stood at the forefront, his expression a mix of sadness and determination. As the pyre grew higher, Qui-Gon's features became indistinguishable amidst the engulfing flames.
Obi-Wan glanced at the others gathered around the pyre - Mace Windu, Yoda, Padmé Amidala, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, and countless other Jedi and allies. Standing next to him was Anakin Skywalker, his young face hardened and intense as he had back tears. And to his right was his beloved Satine, who managed to take his hand without others noticing. Obi Wan hid a smile, but the corners of his mouth upturned ever so slightly. Fingers laced together, and a thumb briefly caressed the woman's knuckles.
The sound of the drum echoed through the vast chamber, a somber and steady beat that seemed to reverberate with both sadness and reverence. Each strike of the drum punctuated the final moments of Qui Gon Jinn's physical existence, marking the transition from life to something beyond.
As the flames danced around his body, their intense heat licked at his robes, turning them to blackened char. The fire consumed him slowly, inch by inch, as if reluctant to let go of such a noble soul. Qui Gon's face remained serene even in death, eyes closed, and lips slightly upturned in a peaceful smile.
The drum roll intensified, its rhythm quickening ever so slightly as if mirroring the fading heartbeat of the fallen Jedi. It was as though the music itself held power, guiding Qui Gon's spirit on its journey toward transcendence.
And then, with one final resounding strike of the drum, a profound stillness settled over the chamber. The flames extinguished themselves abruptly, leaving only glowing embers behind. The ashes that once were Qui Gon Jinn gently swirled upward into wisps of smoke.
Obi Wan shut his eyes, remembering. For nearly the entirety of his life, he'd been Qui Gon's pupil. But now the Jedi Master was gone, and with that, a new chapter of Obi Wan's life had taken form. A padawan no longer - now, a Jedi Knight. Behind him was the proverbial door of a past life, now closed forever.
He looked over at Anakin, whose face had become sullen and withdrawn as he stared at the ashes of the funeral bier. "What will happen to me now?" The boy asked, finally shifting his gaze to Obi Wan, who could see the moist tears hazing over the boy's eyes.
"The council has granted me permission to train you." Satine's presence beside him gave Obi Wan the courage and fortitude he needed; even if no one else could see it. "You will be a Jedi, I promise."
Anakin straightened his posture, and Obi Wan nodded to himself.
Standing across the way was Mace Windu, who stood with Yoda, his dark face drawn in contemplation as he watched Obi Wan and Anakin interact.
"One life ends, a new one begins," he murmured, almost inaudibly.
Yoda leaned forward on his staff. "Unsure of this one as Qui Gon was. Very troubled, he is. Wrapped in shadows and difficult choices."
Mace Windu nodded, though he recognized Yoda's stance on the matter despite the council's decision. "Qui Gon was right about his apprentice. Obi Wan will do a good job with the boy. He is ready."
They were fully aware of what this former padawan had done to save himself. It required an immense amount of bravery and determination. Only a Jedi Knight with a strong connection to the force could have managed to escape from someone as dangerous as Maul. The young Knight had exceeded everyone's assumptions about his abilities.
"Ready this time, he was," Yoda acknowledged, grudgingly, even if there was still some doubt that lingered in his mind somewhere about Obi Wan. "Ready to train the boy though? He may not be."
Mace Windu understood Yoda's concerns about Obi-Wan's readiness to train the boy, but he had faith in his former apprentice. "Obi-Wan has proven himself time and time again," Mace replied firmly. "He has faced countless challenges and emerged victorious. I do not doubt that he is ready for this responsibility."
Yoda sighed, still uncertain. "Fear I sense in him," he admitted reluctantly. "Afraid of what the future holds for the boy, he may be."
"Defeating of a Sith Lord proved to be a strong test. He has proven to be ready for anything." His eyes stayed on Obi Wan and Anakin. "There is no doubt in my mind that the mysterious warrior who tested him was a Sith."
Yoda blinked away his sleep. "Always two there are- no more, no less. A master and an apprentice."
Mace Windu nodded his agreement, then said, "But which do you think was destroyed, do you think-the master or the apprentice?"