Plastered Paradox

Chapter 25

Jaune froze as the Grimm's words finally sank in, his eyes widening in surprise. "Um… what?"

For the first time, he was able to get a clear look at it – or, rather, her, if the voice was any indication. She was tall, standing just a few inches under him. She resembled a Faunus, but taken to an extreme – she was covered in inky-black skin, with tufts of fur around her legs and arms, which ended in large claw-tipped paws. A set of wolf ears stuck up from atop her head, and a tail jutted out from her lower back. Her mouth was filled with razor-sharp teeth, and it was topped off by a familiar bone mask, though she wasn't exactly a Beowolf; if anything, she looked more like a girl who had decided to cosplay as a Beowolf-person.

A few seconds passed, and then she leaned in and began to sniff him again. She blinked, her red eyes widening in surprise. But then she did something unexpected.

She let out an excited squeal.

"Ooh, it is you!" she shouted, her tail wagging out of happiness behind her. "I didn't think I'd ever get to meet you!"

"Okay, hold up," Jaune insisted. "Why are you calling me your father?"

"Because you are! I can smell it on you! You smell just like me!"

Jaune found that hard to believe, considering she smelled more like a wet dog than anything. Maybe that was because of the snow that was melting into her skin and fur.

Someone cleared their throat, and Jaune angled his head enough to see who it was. Raven was standing there, an angry look on her face as she crossed her arms and irritably tapped her foot.

"Well?" she asked.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to explain?"

"What's there to explain?" Jaune asked. "I have no fucking idea what this Grimm-person is talking about, Raven, I swear. If you want to know more, you should ask her."

"Okay, I will. Hey, Fido – why are you calling Jaune your father? Did he knock up Salem or something while nobody was looking?"

"Oh, no, nothing like that," the Beowolf girl insisted, shaking her head. "Rather, when Salem sent her forces to Mistral, Watts went with them. He happened to stumble onto the hideout of the Spiders, and he found a jar of Jaune's-"

"Careful," Cinder warned. "This might be a bit too R-rated, even for us."

"-Essence sitting on their leader's desk," the girl finished. "He brought it back to Salem, and she decided to try and experiment with it. Not in that way!" she hastily added, seeing the disgusted looks on their faces. "She did use it for something, but it was more… mixing it with some dark magic and throwing it all into a pool of destruction, along with an Alpha Beowolf for good measure."

"And you happened to crawl out of the pool afterwards?" Raven asked.

"Yup!"

"Cool. Alright, get out from underneath the Grimm girl, Jaune. I'm ending this."

She took several steps forward, her hand resting on her sword, while Jaune just stared at her.

"Uh, what are you doing?" he asked. "You're not gonna hurt her, are you?"

"No, I won't hurt her," Raven specified. "I'm just going to separate her head from her shoulders, because that's how I roll."

"You can't do that!"

"Why not? She's a Grimm. Decapitating Grimm is kinda my thing."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Cinder implored, stopping Raven dead in her tracks. "Jaune, are you… attached to this thing?"

Jaune hesitated, then sighed. "...Look, if she's telling the truth, then she's technically my daughter-"

"Jaune, she's a Grimm-person made from a pool of destruction."

"Yeah, and she's also wagging her tail." Jaune turned his attention back to her. "Besides, I'm sure she's not all bad. Here, watch this."

He reached out and brought a hand up to rest on the Grimm girl's head, then began to scratch her between the ears. She froze for a moment, unsure of what to do, but then leaned into his touch, a content sigh escaping her as one of her legs thumped against the ground repeatedly and her tail began to wag even harder.

"See?" he asked.

"This is disturbing," Raven deadpanned. "Besides, don't you already have a daughter?"

"Cinder doesn't like it when we call her that."

"I mean, I used to not enjoy it, but now that my dominance is being threatened, I feel compelled to defend it," Cinder said. "I will secure my existence as best daughter, and I will do it by incinerating that thing where it stands."

"No incinerating your sister," Jaune chastised.

"My sister?" Cinder echoed. "That thing's not my sister, it's an abomination."

"For an abomination, she sure is cute," Jaune told her. He turned back to the Grimm girl, who had now rolled off of him and onto her back. Jaune let out a sigh, then rested his hand on her belly and began to gently rub it. Again, her tail began to wag. "Do you think she has a name?"

"We're not naming the Grimm!" Raven argued. "That's just going to make it even harder on you when I kill it."

"I didn't think you cared."

"Oh, fuck off, you know I do. Hence why I'm insisting on not naming it."

"Alright, I'm gonna make this perfectly clear to both of you," Jaune began. "Sure, she's a Grimm. But apparently, she's also my daughter, so we're keeping her and that's final."

"How do we even know that she wants to come along?" Cinder asked.

Jaune thought for a moment, then looked down at the Grimm girl. "Hey, you're enjoying the ear scritches and belly rubs, right?"

"Haa…" she breathed. "That feels nice… Salem never does stuff like this for me, she just insists on having me kill and eat other Grimm."

"Eat Grimm…?" Cinder asked, disgust creeping into her tone.

Jaune ignored Cinder's disgust. "Well, there's more where that came from if you agree to betray Salem and join us."

"Deal!" the Grimm girl said excitedly.

"Okay, wait, wait," Cinder said. "Seriously, pause for a second. Jaune… you're taking this rather well, first of all."

"I mean, how else am I supposed to take it?" Jaune asked. "I just found out I have a biological daughter. I mean, yes, sure she's at least partly a man-eating monster that's made up of complete darkness, but she's still my daughter. I can't just turn her away."

"Be that as it may, the fact that you're not freaking out about this is honestly more than a little concerning."

Jaune shrugged. "I mean, what am I supposed to do?"

"Kill her," Raven suggested. "Call it a late abortion, that way nobody can get too mad at you for it."

"You're really all-in on this whole killing my daughter thing, aren't you?"

"What can I say? I see a Grimm and I want to kill it. Your daughter is no exception."

"Father," the Grimm girl suddenly asked.

"Yes?" Jaune said.

"What's my name?"

Jaune paused. "...Salem didn't name you?"

The Grimm shook her head. "No, she said my purpose was to kill you three and then be disposed of. I wasn't supposed to have a name,"

"Wow, that's cold even for her," Jaune remarked. "Alright, names… names… I'm garbage with names, to be honest. Anyone have any suggestions?"

"Worm Food," Raven said.

"Anyone aside from Raven, that is?"

Cinder blinked. "...I've got nothing."

"Okay, Pietro, then."

Pietro seemed stunned at being called out to all of a sudden. "Me? You're actually addressing me for once? I thought you'd forgotten I was here."

"I kinda did, to be honest," Jaune confessed. "No offense, but you kinda blend in with the snow… um, in a non-racial way, obviously."

"Speaking of Pietro, I'm surprised he's not trying to dissect your monstrous daughter in the name of science or something," Raven remarked. "That's your cue to be helpful, by the way."

"Granted, curious as I may be about her genetics and bodily makeup, I know better than to get close to any kind of Grimm," Pietro said. "And no offense to you, Jaune, but the way your daughter was moving when she fought you reminds me of a blender with legs, and I want no part of that."

"Well, I can see that you're all not going to be of any help." Jaune turned back to his daughter and once again began to scratch her behind the ears. "Hm… well, fuck it, I've got nothing."

"I might have something," Cinder offered.

"Is it appropriate for children?"

"I was going to suggest Artemis-"

"Cool, that works." Jaune turned back to the Grimm. "How do you like the name Artemis?"

"I like it!" she said happily.

Raven rolled her eyes. "Great, you actually went with Artemis."

"What's wrong with Artemis?" he asked.

"Nothing, unless you don't want to make a Mary Sue character."

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

"It's a well-known fact that Artemis is a common name for a Mary Sue character."

"I don't even know what a Mary Sue character is, Raven," Jaune protested. "Do you plan to start making sense any time soon? Is this truly all because you just want to kill my daughter?"

Raven's eyes narrowed. "Girls and Pietro, talk among yourselves for a bit. Jaune and I need to have a chat."

She reached out and took Jaune by the hand, then began to pull him away. Artemis' ears and tail drooped when the sritches suddenly stopped, but she did perk up again once Cinder reluctantly approached, and she leaned in to sniff her. Cinder, for her part, couldn't help but flinch a bit from it.
Unfortunately, that was all Jaune got to see before Raven pulled him around a snow embankment.

"Okay," Raven began. "Seriously, explain, please."

"There's nothing to explain," Jaune insisted. "Artemis told the truth. That's the only way it could have happened."

"So you're telling me you didn't sleep with Salem and produce a half-Grimm mongrel baby with her?"

"First of all, she's not a mongrel, she's my daughter. She's probably just going through that awkward puberty phase we all went through."

"She's a Grimm, Jaune."

"I know, but she seems to have some kind of accelerated aging or something, or otherwise emerged from the pool of destruction already grown up fully. Mentally, she's closer to Cinder's age than anything." Jaune suddenly paused, his eyes widening. "Oh my Gods, we left the two of them alone. What were we thinking? Does this make us bad parents?"

"What do you mean 'us'?" Raven asked. "Those two are your daughters, not mine."

"Oh, come on," Jaune protested. "We're closer than that."

"Are we?"

"Obviously, we are. I mean, I've been tongue-deep in you enough times to know that we're more than friends at this point, and we're certainly not enemies."

"...Is this you trying to push me into being something more?"

"All I'm saying is that, once you've slobbered on someone's crotch like you owe them rent money, it's safe to say the relationship has gotten pretty serious," Jaune surmised. "Or do you disagree?"

Raven grimaced, then crossed her arms. "...I don't. So, what do we do next?"

"How about dinner and a movie?"

"Oh, fuck off. You know me well enough to know that I'd hate that girly shit."

"Okay, then how about we both get drunk, wrestle while naked, and the winner gets to top for the night?"

"Now you're speaking my language."

"Great. I just hope this makes you realize you're going to actually work at being a mommy."

Raven paused and gave him a disgusted look. "...Okay, if you're going to admit to being into that-"

"Not for me!" Jaune insisted. "For the two girls, moron."

"You should have just said that. It's so hard to tell when you're trying to say something absolutely depraved and when you're not. You should probably work on that – a lack of clarity like that can have consequences."

"Yeah, whatever," Jaune deadpanned. "Should we get back to our monster child before she kills our Grimm child?"

"Bold of you to assume that I'm just going to accept them both like that."

"You've already accepted Cinder, you're just being tsundere about it. What's it called when you're tsundere, only it's non-romantic and also towards your adopted daughter?"

"What the hell is tsundere? Is that some anime shit?"

"I just figured you'd know since you're dressed similar to Rachel."

Raven rolled her eyes. "Fuck you, asshole. Let's just go."

Jaune nodded, and the two of them left their position behind the snow embankment. Jaune was tense the entire time, just waiting to find out what fresh hell awaited the two of them when they actually saw Cinder and Artemis once more.

He was completely unprepared to find Artemis sitting in front of Cinder, kicking her leg as Cinder rubbed her behind the ears.

He blinked, unsure about what he was seeing. He brought a hand up to rub the back of his head.

"Uh… am I dreaming?"

"No, but I wish you were," Raven said. "Let's go see what's up, I guess."

They approached the three they'd left behind. Cinder didn't relent on her petting of Artemis as they approached; as they drew nearer, Jaune noticed her tail was going a mile a minute.

"I take it you two are getting along now?" he asked.

Cinder shrugged. "She made a quip about eating Pietro, and I figured the only way to calm things down was to take a cue out of your book."

"Oh, is that why Pietro is hiding behind the door to the fort?"

Pietro peeked out from behind his hiding spot, leveling a glare at Artemis. "Keep her away from me!" he hissed. "She's pure evil!"

"You know she's mostly Grimm, right?" Raven asked. "That means she can probably sense your fear. You being afraid of her is probably akin to inviting her to an all-you-can-eat buffet."

"So?"

"So you might want to just stop being afraid."

"If only it were that easy! Look at her, she's an abomination!"

"You're just saying that because she wanted to pick her teeth with your ribs," Jaune said. "Besides, she's pretty cute once you get used to her."

Cinder stopped petting her, and Artemis blinked for a moment before rising to her feet and stretching out, then shaking herself out.

"Well, that was fun," she announced. "Father, where are we going next?"

"We're going into the fort to let Pietro get into the central mainframe," he informed her. "So that means you can't eat him."

"I wasn't going to eat him anyway," Artemis protested. "Though admittedly, he does smell quite appetizing…"

"Told you," Raven said.

Pietro flipped her off, then retreated to his spot behind the door again.

"So," Cinder ventured. "Artemis… what kind of defenses are we going to be dealing with in there?"

"Oh, it's nothing serious," she said. "Just Watts."

"Wait, wait," Jaune said. "Watts is in there?"

"Yes. You didn't think Salem would send me here alone, did you?"

"Why didn't you say so earlier?! Come on everyone and Pietro, this is our chance to bag another one of Salem's inner circle members!"

"Define 'bag'," Raven requested.

"As in body bag, duh. What the fuck else are we going to do with Salem's inner circle members?"

"Well, if recent events are any indication, I give it even odds that you'll try to adopt him, too. Hey girls, what are your thoughts on having an evil uncle with snazzy facial hair?"

"Isn't that just Qrow?" Cinder asked.

"You know, maybe Jaune was right," Raven mused. "Maybe you are growing on me, Cinder."

"Alright, alright," Jaune announced. "Enough banter. Let's get moving."

The four of them advanced into Fort Arrowfell together, Artemis in the lead and Pietro in the rear for his own safety.
This was a smart move, because it took all of about ten steps into the base before it became abundantly clear that Watts had hacked into the security system.

And so, the four of them found themselves hunkered down behind a concrete wall as bullets whizzed by their heads, courtesy of the fort's robot security system.

"Have I ever mentioned that your plans are universally terrible?" Cinder asked.

"I wouldn't say they're universally terrible," Jaune protested. "I mean, I got you out of the hotel, didn't I?"

"That wasn't a plan, it was fortunate circumstances."

"We take those."

"Father, this is boring," Artemis complained.

"I agree with the Grimm monster girl," Raven said. She paused. "...Can't believe I just said that… but yes, I do agree with her. Jaune, I need to get some."

"Can it wait until after we're done fighting for our lives and aren't surrounded by children and an old guy?"

"I'm right here, by the way," Pietro said. "Definitely not about to pee my pants out of fear or anything, so by all means, take your time."

Cinder shuddered. "Too much information…"

"I didn't mean get some in that sense," Raven protested. "I meant that I need to stack some bodies, already."

"Well, why don't you and Artemis get out there and try some fun mother-daughter bonding activities?" Jaune suggested. "You know, some old-fashioned wholesale slaughter of innocent machines? With respect to Penny 1.0, of course."

"Respect acknowledged and appreciated," Pietro said with a nod.

Raven brought a hand up to her chin thought for a moment, then shrugged and looked over to Artemis. "You any good in a fight?"

"I can hold my own," Artemis answered.

"Cool. Stay behind me and try not to lose yourself to the bloodlust."

"Actually, these are machines, so I think it'd be oil-lust," Jaune suggested. "Or maybe hydraulic fluid lust."

"What about blinker fluid lust?" Cinder suggested.

"Fuck you, I'm not falling for that one again. Ever since you asked me to find the keys to the drop zone that one time, you've been riding high off of it, but I'm telling you now, you will never send me on another snipe hunt again, little girl."

A sudden screech of metal made him wince. "Fuck me, that's like nails on a chalkboard times a hundred… You both okay out there?!"

"Just fine!" Raven shouted back. "You can come out now!"

Pietro blinked. "Already?"

"Yeah, I know, that was pretty slow of them," Jaune said.

The three of them left their cover and entered the room. It was strewn with still-sparking mechanical guts and remains of the combat robots. Pietro's eyes lit up at the sight of it.

"Ooh, classified military technology!" he said.

"Down, boy," Jaune chastised. He looked around. "Where's Artemis?"

"Right here, father."

"Ah!" he jumped at the voice from behind him, then turned around and glared at her. "Okay, new rule – you can jumpscare these other bozos, but you can't jumpscare me. Understand?"

"Yes, father," Artemis said.

"Cool. Now let's find Watts and get back to Atlas, already. It's so cold that my balls are about to end up in my throat."

"Again, way too much information…" Cinder complained as they all headed deeper into the facility.

"Alright, Summer," Roman said, raising his arms in a futile attempt to try and keep her at bay. "This may look pretty bad-"

"Saying it looks bad is an understatement," she declared. "I left my girls off with you because Jaune told me you'd be capable of taking care of them. So imagine my surprise when I find you've suddenly got an entire flock to yourself. Who are these other kids, anyway?"

"Well, one of them is Neo-"

"If you're going to be smart about this, I could always just castrate you now instead of letting you try to explain your way out of it."

"-And the rest consists of a street urchin, a kid from a hilariously abusive household, two White Fang members of which one is the daughter of Menagerie's chieftain, two Mistralian orphans who have diametrically opposed personalities yet who are also somehow best friends, and the two younger Schnee kids," Roman hurriedly added. "Does that answer your question?"

"Vaguely," Summer said with a nod. "Now explain to me why I shouldn't kill you."

"Because then there'd be a bunch of sad little munchkins running around," Roman asserted. "Hey kids, especially Ruby and Yang, please tell the nice scary lady how much you enjoy Uncle Roman's Daycare Extravaganza, would you?"

The kids all exchanged a glance with each other before shrugging.

"He's alright," Ruby said.

Roman's jaw dropped. "Just alright?! But you've had so much fun here!"

"I'd have more fun if you'd done that thing you promised you would for me," Ruby insisted.

"What was that?" Summer demanded.

Roman flinched. "Little brat…" he muttered under his breath. Idly, he was aware of Ruby giving him a thin smirk; he made a mental note to take everyone out for ice cream except her later, assuming he lived that long. He turned back to Summer. "Oh, it's just this thing she wants."

"And you promised you'd give it to her, but didn't?"

"I didn't promise her anything, in fact I straight-up told her I wasn't going to give it to her, because she asked for was a military-grade sniper rifle. And even for me, that'd just be irresponsible."

"How so?"

Roman paused. "...Okay, I can't tell if that's a genuine question, or if you're just being deliberately confrontational-"

"That kid has a giant robot," Summer pointed out.

Roman looked over his shoulder. Adam was there in his Paladin, while Nora and Whitley scrambled all around it, laughing. He grimaced, then looked back to Summer.

"So he does," he admitted.

"Would you care to explain how he got it?"

"He, uh, made a deal with me for it."

"And where did you get it?"

"Would you believe me if I said it fell off a truck?" Summer's gaze narrowed, and he sighed. "Alright, fine, I acquired it through less-than-legal means. But it was either that or go insane from him and the Schnee girl fighting all the time. I don't regret it."

"So you'd willingly acquire a giant robot for some young kid, but you won't indulge my daughters with what they want to do?"

Again, Roman stared at her. "...What, does the whole weapon nut thing just run in the family or something? Are you where she gets it from?"

"Mommy is the biggest weapon nut in the world!" Ruby chimed in. "She can take apart a standard-issue Atlesian battle rifle while blindfolded and reassemble it in less than thirty seconds!"

"Why am I not surprised…?" He looked back to Summer, then sighed. "Look, if it'll keep you from killing me, fine, I'll get her a sniper rifle."

"Good." Summer suddenly smacked him. "How dare you provide deadly weapons to young children!"

"Should've seen this one coming…" Roman muttered. Thankfully, his Aura kept him feeling any pain. "So is this one of those things where I just can't win, and every answer is wrong no matter what it is?"

"I'm surprised it took you this long to catch on," Yang commented. "Mom only does this when she's really mad, like that time when Qrow got super drunk and let us sip from his flask."

"That story explains so much, actually." Summer smacked him again. "Okay, I deserved that one." He shook his head to clear it. "Anyway, look, you needed a babysitter, I was here, I'm doing my best. And by the way, shouldn't you be in witness protection, or whatever? Something about some crazy lady trying to kill you?"

"It got a little stir-crazy in there and I started to miss my girls," Summer said.

Roman raised an eyebrow. "You sure it wasn't because you could barely walk, thanks to Taiyang?"

"And what if it was? How long has it been for you, hm?"

"That's a loaded question and I refuse to answer."

"Whatever you say, virgin."

"That insult makes no sense. I didn't say that I've never done it, only that it's been awhile."

"So it has been awhile?"

Roman grit his teeth. Summer smirked at him. "Anyway, I think that's about all the fun I could have reasonably had with you for now, at least without involving mindless, gratuitous violence." She clapped her hands. "Girls! We're leaving."

She turned and began to walk away, only to pause when she realized her daughters weren't following after her. Summer blinked, then turned around."Girls?"

"Mommy, can't we please stay with Uncle Roman for a bit longer?" Ruby asked.

"Yeah, he's actually a decent babysitter," Yang chimed in.

"Decent?" Roman echoed. "I am an exceptional babysitter."

Behind him, Adam suddenly did a turn in his giant robot, which sent a car flying into a nearby storefront with loud crash. Roman was unperturbed.

Summer's eyes narrowed. "Girls, it's time to go home."

"But I thought going home was dangerous?" Ruby asked, tilting her head. "That wasn't a lie, was it?"

Summer winced. "Okay, so Mommy didn't lie, she was telling the truth-"

"Then why are we going home?" Yang questioned.

"Because it's preferable to letting you stay here, with him."

"But we like Uncle Roman," Yang insisted.

"Stop calling him Uncle Roman. He's your uncle the same way Zwei is your brother."

"That's mean!" Ruby stated.

"It's the truth, honey."

"But… I don't wanna go home yet…" Ruby said softly. "I'm finally here, with friends. Didn't you want us to make more friends aside from each other?"

Summer winced again. "...Okay, you might have a point…" She brought a hand up to her chin in thought. "Alright, I guess if you've managed to survive whatever garbage Roman has put you through up to this point, you'll probably be just fine."

"What?" Roman suddenly asked, his eyes widening. "No, they won't. Do them and yourself a huge favor and take them with you."

"Don't be so dramatic."

"I'm not being dramatic. These two contribute to my life being a living hell every waking moment."

"Swear!" Ruby shouted.

"Hell isn't a swear, it's a place… a place I'm living in right now."

"'Nother swear!"

Roman grit his teeth, then looked back to Summer. "See what I mean?"

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do," Summer said with a nod. "Alright, girls – I guess you can stay with Uncle Roman a little longer."

Roman's face fell as the girls cheered. He gave Summer a look like a kicked dog. "Why must you hurt me this way?"

Summer just gave him a smirk, then waved goodbye as she turned and began to walk away. "See you around, Uncle Roman."

Roman could only stare despondently as she walked off.

"Look on the bright side," Ozpin suddenly announced. "At least she didn't kill you."

Roman smacked himself in the side of the head hard enough to knock himself out.

What's this? Another story update, so soon after the one for Seeing Red came out? How unexpected of me!

But in all seriousness, I really wanted to get this one posted before I left for my trip. I also needed to get away from my desk for a bit, because today's been kinda ass, not gonna lie. For those of you who aren't a part of the working world yet, trust me, it sucks.

Anyway, I need to get back to my desk for another few hours, so I'll cut this AN short. Hope you all enjoyed, and I'll see you later!

Enjoy my work and want to help me out a bit? You can support me, as well as read more of my writing, over on Amazon. My second original story is available for purchase now, you can find it by going on Amazon and searching for 'Dead World' by John Haruspex. The story is available now for three bucks in ebook format (or free with Kindle Unlimited) or twelve bucks in paperback format, if you prefer physical media. (Remove the spaces)

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