Authors notes and disclaimers: This is a swanqueen fanfiction based on the Good Queens final speech in season seven finale and as such, touches on themes mentioned in said speech and follows a specific structure. I have tried to be faithful to the characters as much as possible, but it is Swan Queen so some liberties were taken. It alway struck me how that finale speech was clearly cutting between Emma clutching Hope, and Regina delivering it and that felt like the writers were deliberately leaving us SQ shippers "with Hope." You may class this as an AU as it all happens post season seven and is my hot-take on what a season 8 might look like if SQ was canon. I've wanted to write this story for a while but didn't get around to it as I don't really write fanfic anymore, however, writers block/Swen heart/yadda yadda, so here it is! It is almost complete and only a short one (approx 40k) I'm currently editing each chapter and deciding where to wrap it. Will post as soon as I'm happy with each. Trigger warnings as mentioned in summary. Those who know my work know I don't tend to stay serious for very long so there will be plenty of lighter moments post chapter 1. Note: I did not include 2 Henry's in this as it just felt too confusing for me and the premise worked better with adult Henry and his family. I own none of the characters blah blah... I hope you enjoy it! Story begins on next line: x
Chapter One
More Loss
"I refuse to believe there won't be more adventures, more love, more family, and yes, there will be more loss. Because that's just a part of life. And in the end, we can get past it all. With Hope."
The words were as clear in Regina's mind as the day she uttered them at her coronation as 'The Good Queen,' and echoed through her brain as she took in the devastating news. Hook was dead. That was more of a loss than she ever expected and her heart was heavy. He shouldn't be dead. It was a standard trip back to the Enchanted Forest which he'd done regularly since they got the magic bean production re-established two years prior. All the safety precautions were taken and, despite her long standing dislike for him, she openly admired his sailing skills and hadn't hesitated to partner with him in the new venture. This didn't make sense. He was the most capable captain and wouldn't do anything risky or pirate like. Not when he had everything to live for.
Turning over the page and reading the rest of the report made her breath shudder and hands tremble. Tears pooled and she fought to keep them at bay. Yes, it was sad news, terrible news, but her tears were for his daughter and wife. Not him. Reading how Blackbeard's second in command took hold of the ship and how he fought back valiantly trying to save it before being run through with a blade only angered her, and she clenched the papers fiercely.
"Idiot!" What was going through his mind? His arrogance and the damned near incestuous relationship he had with the Jolly Roger got him killed. "It was just a pile of wood. Imbecile!"
Oh, she was about ready to fireball him herself for pulling this stunt. How dare he abandon Her. How dare he make Emma a widow and Hope fatherless. Not that she doubted for one second he would eventually do just that, but not like this. Not this way and not now.
More tears spilled and she battled with her residual evil inner dialog trying to ignore the callous words it revealed. She may be the good queen now, but it didn't mean she never had a bad thought cross her mind. Guilt and shame caused more liquid to pour down her cheeks as she berated herself for even thinking such dark thoughts. Yet she couldn't pretend not to be angry, nor deny the way her heart was racing with the possibilities she thought long buried in the darkest recesses of her subconscious.
The report discarded for now, pacing and lip worrying was all she could do as reality started to dawn on her that she would have to break the news to Emma. There was no way she could do it.
Hands raked through her shoulder-length loose waves trying to calm herself and get a plan together but she was too emotional. This was something she couldn't handle. She couldn't even offer her condolences because Emma would know they weren't entirely sincere. She'd take it the right way, or the wrong way, but both ways were inappropriate. The savior's superpower always knew when she was lying. Always had.
Dropping onto the couch in her office, she wept heavily as it all hit her again in waves. Regina hated herself so much in that moment but she hated Hook for dying and leaving her to be the one to break Emma's heart. She hated that she was actually sad he was dead and sincerely didn't wish him so. She hated that Emma and Hope were going to be caused pain, and she hated that she couldn't be the one to comfort them. With a few calming breaths, she did the only thing she could and called Snow and David to break the news. This was one duty she had no choice but to delegate. They'd be there for her and they'd do so without any hidden feelings spilling out in the process.
# # #
"Hey, mom and dad. I wasn't expecting to see you today. Come in!" A chirpy Emma with Hope bouncing up and down behind her stood back from the doorway barely registering their faces as she bent to pick up yet another toy her daughter had thrown across the hallway. "Excuse the mess. It's been one of those days," she chuckled and the Charming's shot watery looks at each other already regretting their visit.
"Emma, leave that. Come and sit down. I'll make some tea." Snow instantly headed toward the kitchen and began boiling a strong brew knowing her daughter would need the sugar to help with the shock. David bundled a giggly Hope up in his arms and headed out into the yard planning to distract her and give the women space to talk. He wanted to be there for his daughter, but his job was just as important. That's when Emma noticed their demeanors and inability to make eye-contact. Her heart fell. As soon as David was out the back door, she turned to her mother.
"What's happened?"
Snow sucked in a breath but continued making the tea, determined to have it ready before the conversation got heavy. "Let me just get this done first, please, then I'll tell you everything." The last few words were breathy and stuttered as she tried in vain not to start crying. Emma's heart thumped against her ribs knowing whatever was coming was going to be bad. Someone was dead, that much was obvious. She slunk into the armchair and pushed the toys she'd just collected back onto the floor then braced herself for the worst. She didn't let herself guess because whoever it was, it was going to hurt.
Bringing the tea over and placing it on the side table next to her daughter, Snow pulled a chair up and sat in front of her reaching for her hands. Searching for the best words, she realized there simply were none. A whimper escaped and the tears fell freely.
"Killian. He's... there was an attack. He didn't make it. I'm sorry." Seeing the utter shock and stunned expression on her daughter's face, she pulled her into a hug and held on tight. "I'm so sorry, Emma." Snow held on giving Emma as much time as she needed to process the words knowing the shock would prevent her from an instant reaction. They'd all been through enough losses to know how this went. The town had seen the death of many the last few years, but this one was going to break her daughter.
The first words that came weren't what Snow expected. "Where?"
"They were a few miles from port in the Enchanted Forest. Blackbeard's second in command jumped the ship and there was a struggle. Killian wasn't armed. He had no chance."
Emma swallowed the lump in her throat along with the details of his death. Once she was sure her voice was even, she continued. "When?"
"A week ago. One of the crew managed to jump ship before they confiscated the Jolly Roger. He got back to shore and went for help. Aurora and Philip sent a messenger as soon as they heard."
"Are they sure he's dead? Did anyone see the body? Maybe he made it out." A glimmer of hope shone in her eyes trying to logic through it. It wasn't as if this was the first time she had received news of his death. Hell, she'd been to the Underworld and dragged him back to the land of the living. Death didn't always stick in their worlds and there were always magical possibilities pertaining to speaking with or resurrecting the dead.
Snow's lips wobbled recognizing the next stage of grief already manifesting. Denial. Her hand reached to sooth over her cheek and she shook her head softly. "His body was recovered by a small fishing vessel. They had a ceremony for him and he was laid to rest in our kingdom alongside his brother. I'm so sorry, Emma."
There was no feeling in Emma's legs and she couldn't move despite wanting to get up and run out the room. She needed to speak to this messenger herself to be sure. She wouldn't believe it until she had proof yet in her heart, she already knew it was true. She'd sensed something a few days ago, like a severing or something lifting off her. At the time she'd chalked it up to Hope having gone to bed without a tantrum, but maybe it was something else. Maybe their love connection had broken.
Snow gently placed the tea in her daughter's hands and she drank it on autopilot, unable to focus on anything but the thoughts and emotions swirling inside her. What the hell was she going to do now? As she swallowed the sweet tea, it finally hit her and she broke down sobbing. They'd only been apart for a few weeks max here and there, whenever he had a trip booked. Sure, he wasn't around as much as she'd thought he was going to be, but he always came back. Always.
How was she supposed to raise Hope alone? How was she going to carry on being the sheriff of a town where literally most of the population were true love pairings except for the undateables? Her biggest fear was coming true. She was destined to be alone. Then her heart sank farther as she remembered their parting words. They rarely fought, but that last week had been tough with Hope in the terrible two's and running a fever. She was angry at him for sailing off when she needed him the most.
'Don't bother coming back. I can handle it by myself, as usual,' were the words she'd shouted in frustration as he left that morning. Her body shook as the guilt and heartache overtook her completely. How was she supposed to forgive herself for that?
#
A small memorial service was held two weeks later for the family to mourn beings as he was buried elsewhere. Time seemed to have moved in slow motion for Emma, but for the small blessing of having a toddler to keep her mind and body occupied. She was utterly exhausted from crying and the constant stream of condolences she'd received. Every time someone stopped by to offer their sympathy, it set her off again on a downward spiral.
Hope didn't really know what was going on. She was used to her dad being away on business so his absence thus far hadn't really affected her. She'd sometimes ask, "Where Daddy?" and that would be the absolute worst for Emma. She told her the truth, but the concept of death for a two year old wasn't very clear, so she still asked every few days or told visitors, "Daddy get present for Hope. Back soon."
The fact she had a mix of British and American twang in her accent didn't help either. Sometimes she sounded so much like him and it was painful for Emma to hear. After the service, they'd headed to Granny's as was the custom, and Emma burst into tears again. Hope put her tiny little arms around her mother and patted her back saying, "S'alright, luv," which made Emma cry and laugh at the same time along with her close relatives. It was getting easier, but she was happy the memorial was over and she could hopefully start trying to get on with life.
A thought struck her as the last of the group left. Regina hadn't once been in contact. She was the only one, in fact, that hadn't so much as sent a text. Not even a condolences card. She can't possibly not have known. She knew everything in this town and was usually the one to hear first given her queenly status. Her brow furrowed, uncomfortable with the realization. Maybe she wanted to give her space. Maybe she knew Emma didn't want everyone pandering to her and setting her off again. Regina was the one who knew her better than anyone, her best friend and she missed her now she realized how long it had been since they last spoke.
On the drive back home, her thoughts continued messing with her. Something didn't sit right. They were colleague's and had worked together for the last two years. Heck, Regina saw more of Killian than of Emma these days since they returned from Hyperion Heights.
She and Regina had drifted apart since the last curse. They saw each other around now and then for family dinners with Henry, but that was it. Why wasn't she at the service? She should have been there.
David noticed her confused expression from his rear view mirror as he drove her home. "You okay, Emma?"
"Yeah, I'm hanging in there. I think today was what I needed." She smiled lightly but the previous thoughts returned and she kept huffing to herself and shaking her head. Finally she voiced her burning question. "Did anyone invite Regina?"
David swallowed uncomfortably, not sure why the woman hadn't turned up either. Everyone knew she wasn't exactly fangirl numero uno when it came to the pirate, but they'd worked together and they were being more than civil over the last few years. He remembered how utterly devastated she was the day he and Snow were called to her office to hear the news, and she hadn't even bothered trying to hide the fact she'd been crying. Regina and Snow just stood there hugging and sobbing for about twenty minutes before they left to break it to Emma.
"We did. I'm sure she must have a good reason for not coming. She took it really hard, Emma. I'd never seen her like that."
"When did you see her?"
"Well, the day she told us what happened. Your mom has been over a few times since. Haven't you spoken to her at all?"
"No. Not since..."
David nodded. He had a feeling that Regina was giving Emma space to deal with it all, but she should have come to the service. "Want me to find out what happened?"
Thinking hard on it then shaking her head as she looked at her little girl sleeping peacefully in the car seat. "No. Like you said, she probably had a good reason. She'll tell me eventually." Her mind went back to wondering.
It wasn't like she and Hook hadn't made peace. They'd been getting along just fine for the last few years whenever they had a family dinner or when Killian came back from one of his scheduled trips. David's words sank in and a long sigh escaped her lips as her brow wrinkled in realization. Was the queen blaming herself for sending him to his doom? It was just like her to hide away and sob over something she saw as her fault. She'd done it with Henry all those years ago, and countless times since. She should go see her and make sure she's okay, she thought as they pulled up outside her home. But, not yet. She was barely holding it together herself and didn't have the strength to talk the queen out of her latest funk.
An anger washed over her. No. Why should she be even thinking about comforting Regina right now when it was her husband who was dead? Regina should have been the one to reach out and frankly, it hurt more than she cared to admit that she hadn't done so. With a huff, she got out the truck and slammed the door heavier than she meant to.
"Thanks for today, Dad. I'll see you back at the station on Monday."
"No, Em. Give yourself another week or two."
"Dad, I want to work. I want to get back to some sense of normalcy. Besides, Henry and Jacinda are taking Hope for the day, so that means I'm either gonna have to clean the house, or come and sleep at the station. I know what I prefer."
David chuckled and helped carry Hope inside. "Alright then. I'll see you on Monday. I'll change the sheets in the cell just in case you need a nap."
When he got home he shook his head at Snow looking annoyed. "I thought Regina was coming today."
Snow rolled her eyes. "Yeah, me too. I called her as soon as I got home. She was worried about upsetting Emma."
"What? Well, she's done exactly that by not showing up."
"Exactly what I said to her."
"Did they fight or something before this? Why would her being there upset her otherwise?"
"I don't know but Regina seems to have got it in her head that Emma needs to heal on her own, whatever that means. I don't get it. They used to be so close. I mean, God! She was the only person not at the service. How does that look to everyone?"
"Well, it doesn't matter about anyone else, but yeah, it mattered to Emma. I was worried. I thought something might have happened to her."
"Oh no, just her old prickly colors shining through. I don't get her half the time. She should have been there. There was no excuse."
"No. I agree."
# # #
It wasn't until three weeks later Emma spotted the Queen coming out of Granny's, smiling and laughing with her granddaughter, Lucy.
'How does she have a grandaughter? She looks the same as the day I met her. Ugh, magic is messed up.'
Emma was thinking to herself as she sat in the patrol car watching the scene. Her eyes narrowed on her supposed friend as she studied her. She looked so relaxed, carefree, and happy. It should have made her smile, but it didn't. The fact was, Emma was still annoyed about Regina jumping through a magical portal without so much as a goodbye, and disappearing for a year in their timeline. She was jealous that Regina got to know their son as an adult and watch him walk down the aisle when she didn't. It wasn't fair that she'd already missed the first eleven years of his life, and the last twelve in another fucked up curse and timeline.
Suddenly, Regina caught her gaze and her expression changed instantly to one of pain, perhaps even a hint of guilt. It was only a fraction of a second before she covered it with a soft smile she seemed to reserve for Henry and Lucy, and occasionally, Emma, but she caught it. She caught every tiny expression with Regina. Always had. That was it. Emma got out the car and paced toward her, finally ready to deal with whatever this bullshit was all about.
"Good to see you, Emma." Her words were genuinely from the heart and Emma breathed in slightly relieved and a bit emotional having felt quite hurt and lonely for the past few weeks wondering what possible reason the woman could have for not attending her husband's service.
"Hey, it's been a while."
Dropping her gaze to the floor in embarrassment, Regina softly hummed in agreement. "It has, I'm sorry for that. For everything." She sighed heavily and met Emma's eyes owning that she'd made a mistake by not going. She didn't need to say it explicitly. They read each other too well for that. She'd rather Emma focus on that and think she was heartless than her know the real reason.
"Why didn't you go? Why haven't you even messaged or anything?" She swore she wasn't going to start digging around in Regina's head, especially not in front of Lucy, but she couldn't help it when they were together and she needed to know.
"I didn't know what to say. I couldn't. I, ahem, I still can't bring myself to talk about it." She stuttered over the words and her eyes blinked rapidly trying not to let the flood of emotions pour from here. Emma deserved an apology, but she couldn't give her a reason. "Look, I've got to get Lucy back to school. We'll talk soon. I hope you're doing better."
Emma nodded and gave a less than sincere smile. "Sure. We'll talk soon, and we are doing better, thanks for the condolences, finally, Regina." As she walked toward the Benz, Emma watched feeling mixed emotions. She hadn't meant to snap but her emotions always ran high around the woman and she was incapable of being indifferent. It suddenly felt eerily familiar to when Robin had died. She understood, there isn't much to say to comfort someone when that is happening and your life is going pretty great. Despite having been annoyed for so long, she really did want to let go of it, but it still stung.
Inside the diner, she waited for her order and tried to smile at everyone. Her heart just wasn't the same, even having her daughter, her parents, Henry in town, and everyone else, she needed someone just for her. Was that too much to ask?
Regina would get it and wouldn't judge her if they were speaking properly. At least, the old version of her friend would have understood. Hell, Hook had only been gone seven weeks and she had loved him dearly, but she couldn't do this by herself. Hope was her main concern and she was grateful to have her, but she wasn't much of a talker just yet. Despite being surrounded by family, she hadn't actually spoken to anyone about her feelings since his death and she knew she probably needed to. Archie had offered sessions, but she didn't want to talk to him nor felt like she had any issues to deal with as such. He died, she lived, it sucked. That was the reality and she was done torturing herself over the past and had enough of the pitying looks from the townsfolk.
Her order came and she grabbed it heading back to the station feeling frustrated all over again about the level of distance between her and Regina. She hoped after today they might be in touch a bit more but doubted it given how she'd snapped as she walked away. She really missed having her friend— her partner in petty crime, curse-breaking and magical fuckery.
Regina dropped Lucy at school and headed back to the office. The encounter with Emma played over in her mind and knew the woman was far from better. She missed talking to her so much, but she saw the look of hurt in those green eyes just begging for an explanation, heard the venom-laced accusatory tone in her voice, and she hated herself even more for being the source of pain.
They needed to fix this because it was clear that neither of them were doing too good right now. They were always better together. She'd been a terrible friend since coming back to Storybrook and she knew it. Her conscience gnawed away at her but she'd had no choice in staying away. The moment she crossed over the town line it was as if she'd walked into the past and technically, she had. She thought she was over it a long time ago. She wasn't, so she distanced herself as much as possible and focused on work.
With a decided huff, she took out her cell phone and sent a message to Emma. Though she wasn't quite ready to talk face to face, perhaps getting back into their text banter was the way to go. It was cowardice on Regina's part but from behind the comfort of her screen and having time to filter and edit her words gave her confidence and allowed her to compose herself. With any luck, they might just go back to being friends without having to deal with any of the heavy stuff. Emma needed a friend right now so she would put her feeling aside and suck it up. But first, a proper explanation for her avoidance.
R: It really was great to see you today, Emma. I've missed talking to you but I wanted to give you time to process everything. It's never easy losing someone, especially a loved one, believe me, I know. You also have a beautiful, but terribly tantrumy daughter who needs you even more than ever. I've been conscious of how much you must have been going through and didn't want to give you anything else to feel obliged to respond to, or feel forced to put on a brave face. I'm always here for you, whatever you need. I hope you know that.
It was a weight off her chest to finally put into words what she was feeling. It wasn't the entire story, but she hoped it would be enough. Her phone pinged two minutes later and she jumped. She'd half expected to be ignored like she probably deserved to be through Emma's eyes.
E: Honestly it kinda hurt that you didn't even call. You are my best friend. I needed you more than anyone else in this town. But I get it. I think I kinda did the same when Robin died. I thought you would appreciate the space to be alone too.
Yes, she'd messed up. Those memories were painful to think about and she knew exactly why Emma was bringing that up. A little dig to remind her how horrible it felt to be alone when what you actually wanted was company, just, very specific company. Emma hadn't completely left her alone back then, despite Regina's protests and insistence that space was what she wanted. She wasn't kidding herself and Emma knew she needed her. That was when she started to realize how much more the savior meant to her and how easy it could be just to fall in love with her.
Then she turned up with the recently resurrected pirate and broke whatever little spell she'd started to weave on her heart. It was pointless thinking about it even then and she swore she wouldn't allow herself to feel anything like that again. Being Roni in Hyperion Heights gave her a new handle and lease on life. Emma Swan and all the heartache that went along with her was ancient history. She wasn't the same woman who left Storybrook about twelve years ago but she realized for Emma, it had only been a a year when she'd returned. It was too difficult for her to act as if nothing had changed.
Pulling some forms toward herself intent on getting some work done she debated whether to message back the truth of what she was feeling. A groan and she impulsively shot back without censoring herself.
R: I'm sorry I made a poor judgement call, but I didn't want to see you hurting like that because I couldn't do anything to fix it, nor save you from it. It was your pain to go through in any way you saw fit, but I want you to get past it, see you smiling properly, and just being the Emma that I know. I know that's selfish and self-preserving but come on, you know who you're talking to here? (Insert eyebrow quirk here if not implicit) I make no apologies for who I am. Not anymore. But I am sorry if I hurt you by not being there. It wasn't my intention. I'm here now if you need me.
She hit send before she changed her mind and wasn't surprised at all when her phone pinged three times in succession within minutes. This felt nostalgically familiar.
E: Seriously, why not just use an emoji? I've told you this before. Did you forget how to do them as it's been SO long since you last messaged me?!
E: Kidding... But seriously, thanks for being so honest. That actually makes a lot of sense. I get you, Regina. As long as we're good, then that's good.
E: But you owe me a drink at least as apology. I need to go get steaming drunk and talk about how it sucks not getting any TL action. Think you can handle it?
Regina chuckled heartily reading the last message and knew they'd fixed some of it. It would be a while before things could get back to normal, if ever, but this was a start.
R: I owe you more than a drink, but yes. I think I can handle that. Rabbit Hole?
E: No. Too many people. I'm not ready for that. Yours maybe?
That was a surprise. They hadn't drunk together at the mansion since well before Emma found out she was pregnant. Even in this timeline, it was more than three years ago.
R: Sure. I'll be home by six. See you later.
Her attention turned back to the paperwork and she went at it with determination now she had plans for the evening. It was a small comfort that Emma just wanted her around but it didn't settle the knot in her stomach. She loved when it was just the two of them but she also dreaded it because of how much it hurt to see her walk away. It had been nine years since they first met in this timeline. Almost twenty one years ago for Regina. Five since she realized how she felt, and two and half years since they came back into each other's lives. Each time they were together it just got harder for Regina not to allow herself to feel or think about the past. But she'd successfully hidden it so far and wanted to focus on being the friend Emma needed. She could do this. It was time to let go of all the loss and heal some broken hearts.
#
"Come in. I have every type of alcohol in stock. One good thing about having been cursed to be a bartender is that my knowledge of cocktails got a well-needed update." She chuckled lightly as Emma followed her to the kitchen and took in the copious amount of booze laid out on the countertop. "So, what'll it be?"
"Wow, I forgot you ran a bar. I wish I'd suggested getting drunk sooner. Uhm, whatever you're having. I'll have a Queen's special." That's earned her a wry smile and a slight eyebrow quirk from the brunette as she got to work pulling out bottles and measuring everything. Emma watched with a light smile tugging at her lips seeing the side of her friend she never got the chance to witness.
Curses changed people, as she well knew, but glimpsing Regina with a few added Roni quirks and wearing jeans was always both a treat and a little upsetting. The difference in her from three years ago was startling and still caught Emma off guard on occasion. It used to be that she only ever really let loose with Emma in private, but nowadays she was according to Ruby, much more fun and had quite a few friends as well as a constantly booked diary and social circle.
A pang of jealousy shot through Emma as she realized this. They were close, sure, but not like they used to be before the last curse. It had only been three years for her, but for Regina and the others who were taken to Hyperion Heights, they'd spent years living parallel lives. The whole adult Henry thing had really messed Emma up for a while and she was hurt that she didn't get to see him become a man and barely knew how to talk to him anymore. Everyone had changed so much she just threw herself into motherhood and tried not to think about it too deeply.
Regina slid the glass into her hands watching the million expressions play across Emma's face. It was clear she was still dealing with a lot and was struggling with where to start. Once they'd both had a few drinks, her tongue would loosen. "Cheers. I hope you enjoy it."
Taking a sip and humming in appreciation at the concoction, her smile widened a fraction. "That is strong! Is this a long island ice tea?"
"It is. Too much? You said you wanted to get drunk, and that is one that usually does the job effectively in my experience."
"No shit, Sherlock! Cheers." They clinked glasses and Emma downed half of the glass in one go already feeling the effects. It didn't take much nowadays as she rarely got a chance to drink with being a full-time mom and sheriff. Any time she did get the chance, it was usually a night cap followed by passing out in bed exhausted.
They drank in barely comfortable silence for a while, Regina just watching as her friend started to loosen her shoulders and let go of some of the tension. Eventually, Emma spoke. "Thanks for this."
"No thanks needed." She placed a fresh drink in front of her just as she finished off the first and Emma instantly started nursing it.
A few more moments passed then Emma finally let it out. "What the hell am I supposed to do now? How do I... how did you...?" It was hardly eloquent but Regina always got her without having to be explicit. Her eyes searched the brunettes begging for answers and trying not to cry.
Regina nodded relieved she could answer that honestly and looked deep into those watery green orbs with a somber stare. "You keep going. You get up, put one foot in front of the other and you keep pushing until it gets easier. It does get easier, Emma. I promise you that, but it still hurts like a bitch until you get there." She took a long swig of her drink needing it to numb her a little to those distant yet still painful memories.
Emma snorted. "Yeah. I know I'll get there, that's not even an option not to get there. I have to for Hope. But I want to also for me, you know? It's just..." She took another sip unsure if she was ready to admit what she'd been feeling for the last couple of weeks. "..what if I... what if it's just me, alone forever?" She laughed at herself for sounding so petty and insensitive. Yes, she was hurting about his death, but she had to acknowledge that she was hurting for herself too.
"Listen to me. You are never going to be alone. You don't see it now, but it will happen if that's what you want."
A few tears fell against her will and she shot back. "You don't know that! He was my true love and now he's gone. I'm pretty sure you only get one. I only just got my family and now he's dead."
Regina shook her head softly and sighed. "Emma, I have no doubt you'll find someone. I'm pretty sure there's a line of people just waiting to sweep you off your feet. I mean, look at you! you're, well, you! You're amazing! Don't take my life as a benchmark. Besides, true love is overrated. It's not a fix-all and doesn't mean you can't find happiness again with someone else. I did for a time. You definitely will." The words were sincere but there was a slight bitterness she couldn't help. It wasn't that she wanted Emma to be alone like her, but for so long, she'd wanted it to be her to sweep her off her stupid savior feet. Her eyes drifted back to the make-shift bar and she got on with chopping some more lemon slices for their next drink. She planned on getting just as drunk as Emma tonight because being alone and drinking with the woman was a lot harder to handle than she remembered.
"You think? I know it sounds stupid, and I shouldn't even be thinking about this when his body is barely cold, but I guess some of that dark-one shit stayed with me." She was embarrassed for sounding so self-centered but glad she had Regina to talk to. She always made her feel better about the darker stuff.
"There's nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself. You give everything to this town and the people in it. Don't beat yourself up for thinking about what comes next. It's natural. There's no time limit or rules that stipulate how long it's got to be before you move on. It just happens when it needs to. When you're ready."
At least she guessed. It sounded like the right thing to say, but from experience, it didn't actually work. That, she learned on the day she first saw Emma and Hope after the last curse lifted and all that time had passed. Despite having convinced herself for years she was over it, the moment she saw her, it all came flooding back.
Emma nodded with a grateful smile. Regina was saying all the things she needed to hear. A small blush crept up her cheeks. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready yet, but I do want someone else in the future. Right now, I guess I just want to be around people I can be myself with."
"I hope I'm included in that list."
"You are at the top of that very embarrassingly short list." Taking a pensive sip, she whispered into the glass, "I missed you."
Regina's eyes dropped to the ground as she felt her cheeks tingling with the revelation and a fresh wave of guilt hit her. "I missed you too, Emma."
The drinks continued pouring and they eventually moved to the lounge and slopped lazily on the two large couches laughing about old times, and new things Emma had missed out on while she was blissfully living her dream.
"You would have loved it there. My bar was so cool. I guess it's just like mixing potions but not as damaging."
Emma laughed and spilled some of her drink on the couch half expecting Regina to berate her. She didn't though and just waved a dismissive hand magically cleaning away the spillage. She didn't use magic as much as before as she sometimes forgot it was an option.
"You're much more chill now than you used to be. It's kinda annoying actually how cool you are and how everyone loves you now. I barely get a look in since you became miss popular, good queen, Roni, blah.. blah…" She was joking but not entirely. The mood turned sour as her insecurities over their friendship were harder to censor with the amount of hard liquor she currently had running through her system.
Regina narrowed her eyes at the woman but was determined to keep herself in check. Emma had no idea how much it stung. How she had to move on and make new friends and a new life. It wasn't fair on her to sit around pining for someone who had no feelings towards her at all and no idea how much it hurt to be an onlooker. The day she found out Emma and Hook were expecting coincided with the day Henry turned up out of the blue and she conveniently hopped through the portal without a second thought. There was no way she was going to stick around and watch everyone she loved get their happily ever after and leave her behind. Emma had no right to make her suffer that but she'd never tell her the truth and couldn't blame her for how it must seem. Choosing not to respond, her job tonight was to be a soundboard only, she simply shrugged with an eye roll before Emma continued babbling.
"I don't get it, R'gina. It's like I'm not even worthy of your sympathy anymore. Or your time. You got your happy ending now you don't need me anymore."
"I know you're drunk and hurting right now so I'm choosing to ignore this, but don't push it, Miss Swan."
Green orbs shot up at the use of her old nickname and the warning it implied. "Woah, it's been a while since you called me that!"
"Yes, well, it's been a while since I needed to, Emma." It was scolding but she was used to the woman's abandonment issues and read them for what they were. It wasn't personal. This is what she always did, she just didn't realize it was her who abandoned their friendship first.
Emma scowled as menacingly as she could manage given her current state. "You don't need to get snippy with me! I am allowed to be hurt. I'm allowed to be angry at you for not being there."
"Emm.."
"No! Listen to me. I might be drunk but you hurt me and I need you to know that. You weren't there and that's messed up! You were the only one..." she trailed off between sobs now unable to keep a handle on her inner dialog. "You were the only one not there. You abandoned me. Twice. You left me here, pregnant, afraid, knowing exactly what happened last time I was pregnant and scared, and then you don't even show up to his memorial to pay your respects."
Damn. Regina hadn't thought about it like that. She had no idea Emma was even upset about that. How could she have known? They were always civil and smiley whenever they met up. "I'm sorry. I didn't think about that. Henry showed up and needed me. You know as well as I, when it comes to our children, we don't think twice. Besides, it was exactly because you were pregnant that I didn't tell you. You would have jumped through that portal as fast as me and put your unborn child at risk. You would have been cursed and your life sped up too and you wouldn't have had those first years with your little girl. So I'm not sorry you missed that adventure."
Through tears she looked up and asked the question she'd long suspected but was too afraid to know the answer to. She wasn't sure she believed it but she'd heard rumors of things back when Regina was the Evil Queen, and others mentioning how close Roni and wish version of Killian Jones were in Hyperion Heights. It had always been in the back of her mind long before the rumors. Just an uneasy feeling and the blatant rivalry between her lover and friend. "Were you in love with my husband? Is that why you stayed away?"
Regina's jaw dropped open then a burst of laughter cackled from her. Tears of mirth filled her eyes and she gripped her belly. Oh, she felt awful for laughing but she couldn't stop. The idea alone was absurd!
"Oh, please! Is that what you thought? Wow! Wow! That's.."
She struggled to regain her composure seeing the relief wash over her friend's face but still looking vulnerable and slightly pinker in the cheeks. It was cruel to laugh, but God... The truth began spilling from her before she realized what she was saying.
"Honestly, I'm offended that you would think for a second that was a possibility. I stomached him at best, Emma, for you, for the greater good, for this town. But I didn't like him and certainly never had any love for him. When I came back and you had Hope, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was a great sailor and despite our tumultuous history, he needed a job to support you both. I wanted him to be good enough for you. I wanted to believe it, but he wasn't. The only good thing he ever did was help bring Hope into the world, but that's it as far as I'm concerned. I certainly never had any feelings other than scorn and even a little pity for the man you loved." Shit, she didn't mean to say that. She didn't completely believe it either. Not with her logical brain, but that was the truth of her feelings on the matter.
She sighed heavily remembering all the mixed up memories, different worlds, realms, timelines and tried her best to explain.
"That was all a very long time ago for me, Emma. Those are old hurts. I didn't mean to speak ill off him. He was being better."
Emma groaned. "I thought you two were getting along. You've spent more time with him these last couple of years than me. I didn't know you still hated him."
"I didn't hate him. We were, we... were getting along fine. But I couldn't go and pay my condolences, Emma, because deep down, I still struggle with all that history. Even more after he died. I was furious at him for dying needlessly. if he'd just handed over that ship then..." She trailed off realizing her fingers were sparking with tiny flames. She calmed herself and extinguished them in embarrassment and looked at Emma with watery pleading eyes hoping now she'd understand. "I didn't want you to have to deal with that. It was my problem, not yours." There. She'd said it. The big secret she'd tried so hard to protect her friend from. She didn't dare look up and see the judgement or betrayal in Emma's eyes. The only reason she'd been able to put their differences aside and work together was because of the fact it had been so long ago for her have and they had to all find a way to live with each other in her cursed town.
"I was angry at him too. He left us."
Regina looked up and saw Emma staring at her lap, head low and shoulders slumped. The revelation was unexpected and something cracked inside her realizing Emma really did need her as nobody else in town would understand that. A soft whisper was barely audible as she muttered into her lap. "I'm angry at myself too. Because... coz, I told him if he left, he... shouldn't come back. And he didn't." She looked up and caught hazel eyes that stared into her soul and it broke the last of her defences. The guilt and shame burst out of her along with hot tears and drunken sobs.
Regina breathed in heavily and deadpanned, "Go figure he chose this moment not to disappoint you. Asshole." A sly grin broke onto her face as Emma laughed through the tears. She probably needed that bit of darkness when everyone else was giving her sweetness and treading carefully. She might be the good queen but she'd never lose her twisted sense of humor. She kicked herself for not realizing it sooner, but still wouldn't have risked it in case it was unwelcome. Now slightly drunk and seeing Emma return her smile and breath a sigh of relief at someone 'getting' her, she opened her arms out inviting her over for a hug. "Come on then. Get over here."
It took half a second before Emma was bounding into her and squeezing tight. They were never huggers but Emma had watched Good Queen Regina hugging just about everyone else in town since her return and figured it must be some left over Roni vibe. She needed a hug right now so she went with it. They sat together just holding each other for a few minutes as Emma allowed herself to be comforted the way only Regina knew how. "I am the worst person on the planet."
"You're really not. Not even the second worst. There's plenty of us before you, ex-dark-one."
Emma smiled again. It was fucked up but they got each other. "I really want to torch his ship just to piss him off and make him roll in his grave."
"I was tempted to have a séance to bring him back just so I could choke him." They both chuckled darkly. "Well, sadly, Blackbeard's crew got the ship, but I think I still have a chainsaw in the garage with your name on it. Wanna go destroy something? Maybe one of his leather jackets?"
"Yes!" She shrilled and squeezed a bit tighter relishing in having her Regina back by her side. Not the new, goodie two-shoes Snow wannabe, who always said and did the right thing. She knew the evil part of her friend was long gone, just like the darkness was no longer inside her, but it didn't stop the dark thoughts or impulsive outbursts. They were still tainted by the tough lives they'd lived. That never went away. Emma laughed heartily now. "Seriously though, could you imagine if my name had ended up on the chainsaw and not the dagger? That would have been fun for you to carry around in Camelot. Super discreet."
Regina's laugh vibrated and shook Emma's entire body and they were both falling around gripping their bellies at the imagery conjured up. "Maybe it would have been more useful for getting Merlin out the tree."
"Oh please! You wouldn't have carried that around! You'd have left my life in the most convenient mud hut, susceptible to anyone!"
"I would not! Besides, I always thought women wielding weapons was kind of hot. Or power tools, in this case." Oh shit, she was drunk. That was a Freudian slip if ever she heard one. But she didn't mind too much. She'd lived a more open and honest lifestyle in Hyperion Heights as Roni. Even in the Enchanted Forest in the months prior to that curse, she'd spilled a few secrets to Henry after meeting her courageous and fully-grown niece, Robyn.
Emma stared at her mouth agape and nodded knowingly. "Uh huh! Really now? Oh, okay it's starting to make more sense now. You totally had a thing for my mom, didn't ya?"
"Wrong again, dear. You forget I saw your mother as a child. There's no getting over that." She wasn't going to draw attention to it nor deny it. She hadn't been in the closet for a very long time, not that she ever really thought it was a big secret. As the evil queen, she took what she wanted from whom she wanted and no questions were ever asked. It really was only when Henry pushed her on the matter that she confessed. She'd sworn to always be truthful to him about everything. Emma was playing with her and she was happy to play back within reason.
"Whatever." Cottoning on to the facts she scrunched up her eyes and laughed again. "Oh my God, you're so old! You are actually a grandmother! That's crazy!"
"Yes, well, so are you, dear. I find drinking helps soften the blow."
"Wait, what? I'm not old!"
Regina snorted finding it too funny that Emma couldn't take what she dished. "Neither am I! I was talking about us being grandmother's."
It took Emma a few beats until she realized Lucy was her granddaughter too.
"What? Huh... Shit!"
"Wait, don't tell me you are only just realizing she's yours too? Oh, Swan, you're dense but I didn't think you were that dense! How has that never crossed your mind?"
"Uh... I. Wow. I've hardly seen her or spoken to her. Oh my God! I am the worst mom ever. Shit. How did I not see that?"
Seeing how upset Emma was by the revelation, she tried to offer some comfort though she was honestly baffled how the woman could not know this. "Well, you had the other side of your family to deal with. Baby brain does that, dear."
Emma groaned loudly and fake sobbed into the crook of Regina's shoulder in embarrassment. Baby brain or not, she should have known this. "Oh God, Henry must think I've just been ignoring her all this time. Fuck, Regina! You could have told me!"
"Okay, since when was it my job to help you puzzle out your family tree? In what world would I assume that would be something I'd have to point out to you!" Her eyes watered from laughing so hard. Tomorrow her stomach would certainly feel very toned from the workout it was getting. "I can't believe you didn't know this! We have had countless family dinners. Wait until I tell Henry!"
"No, don't you dare tell him! Please, Regina, I'll die! Have some sympathy. I just lost Hook."
"Yeah, I'm still telling him, and Snow. And the rest of the town."
"Noooo! Please!"
.