Notes: For some reason, this story just has more appeal to me right now. Even if I still can't believe that I made these two idiots play guitar instead of another instrument to be honest. Thanks to everyone whose provided some feedback.

oOo

May 25

I take it all back. All that I said about being lucky to be taught by Yukinoshita , that is. I guess I must have been entranced by her raw, emotional cover of Aimer's Ref:rain, even if I don't remember it. Or maybe it was her pretty face. Either way, for some reason I thought that Yukinoshita would be a nice teacher.

I was dead wrong.

Yukinoshita was an absolute demon of a teacher. And by that I meant she was a perfectionist. She told me on my first day that I needed to start learning from the basics, but what she hadn't mentioned was that she wanted those basics perfected. My fingering of the frets, my strumming, even the way I held the guitar. Everything had to be perfect, before I could move onto the next step.

This was a huge problem for me. I couldn't retain any of that information between lessons, because I'd forget what she taught me the day before as soon as I fell asleep. What would be new information to me each day would just be the same old lessons that Yukinoshita had taught me the day before. And I could tell that she was getting frustrated at my seeming inability to retain what must have been basic guitar knowledge to her.

I did my best. I recorded everything she taught me, and did my best to take discreet videos of her teaching me those basic fundamentals. They helped in that I wasn't starting from scratch every day, but they weren't perfect. I'd still make mistakes; the guitar would still feel foreign because I wouldn't be able to consciously remember how it felt to hold it in my hands.

In short, I was making progress, but very slowly. And it was difficult, borderline impossible to achieve the level of perfection that Yukinoshita apparently demanded of me before she would let me move onto more advanced concepts.

See, the most interesting part of playing the guitar is obviously playing songs. It's been four days since I'd started playing the guitar, so I optimistically figured that there had to be a couple of easy songs that I could play, even this soon after starting out. But when I asked about it, Yukinoshita simply gave me this disapproving look and shook her head.

"Hikigaya-kun, as I've mentioned already in the past few days, I would appreciate it if you refrained from trying to accelerate the pace of your lessons. I ask that you believe in my methods; I will assign you a proper song to play once you have attained the necessary skill to play them correctly."

I'd asked what exactly were the skills that she was looking for. Which pretty much launched the lesson for the day. Chords and more chords.

God damn it.

"Your fingering is not quite precise enough," she'd say after I tried playing a specific set of chords for the tenth time at her request. "And you're still holding the guitar incorrectly. The thumb is meant to be placed over top of the neck, not along its side. I believe I have mentioned this previously already; please pay this more attention as it is quite important. Now, give the exercise another attempt."

I protested, saying that it was good enough. I even tried saying that it didn't matter if I wasn't perfect right now because I'd get better. And that I didn't need to play perfectly in order to play a song. As long as the emotions of the song got through, it didn't matter if I messed up a few chords, right?

Apparently not. Yukinoshita summarily shot down all of my protests without hesitation or mercy, tearing my arguments apart with effortless logic and reasoning. In the end, I'd begrudgingly returned to practice, trying over and over again until she was finally satisfied with the end product, all the while despairing because I'd pretty much have to start over again tomorrow.

My fingers hurt after playing for a while. I'd noticed the pain this morning as well, when I woke up. Especially since the other injuries from the accident were healing quite well. It meant that the most noticeable pain in the morning was now centralized on my hands.

At Yukinoshita's insistence, I'd been paying extra attention to the positioning of my fingers on the frets since she had consistently emphasized that correct fretting led to beautiful music. But the truth of the matter was that it didn't take very many practice repetitions before the fingers of my fret hand started to hurt. Who knew pressing down with force onto metal strings could hurt so much?

Anyways, after today's lesson my fingers were raw and red. I'd tried taping my fingers at the start of the session as a way to decrease the pain, but I didn't like it. The tape felt strange on my fingers, and since I couldn't feel the strings it became more difficult to fret properly. After Yukinoshita expressed her disapproval quite vocally at my performance, I just decided to forgo the tape and simply suck it up with the pain.

It wasn't until the last few attempts that Yukinoshita showed any satisfaction with my play. Or at the very least, it didn't seem as though she had anything to nitpick at the end. It was a win in my book, but I couldn't help but feel as though it were a hollow one.

After all, how much would I be able to realistically retain for tomorrow?

oOo

Hikigaya-kun came over to practice after school unfailingly every day. Once classes were dismissed, we would wordlessly pack our things and depart the school together. He had mentioned that it was his preference to ride a bike to school, but obviously that had not been possible until he had fully recovered from the accident. In the meantime, we simply took the train back to my apartment.

Along the way, sometimes, we would make conversation. It was always difficult; I don't believe Hikigaya-kun is a very sociable person. But once the conversation started flowing, it wasn't so terrible. Even if sometimes Hikigaya-kun would say something extremely creepy.

Guitar seemed to always feature as a topic of conversation most days, which made sense considering it was what connected us. He asked a lot of questions about my guitar playing experiences. How I became interested in the instrument. How often did I practice? What were the songs that I enjoyed playing? Did I write any songs? I answered most inquiries as truthfully as possible, so long as they weren't too intrusive.

In turn, I asked him why he was so interested in learning an instrument. He said that he wanted to try something new and since he'd never had much experience with music before, he decided to give it a shot. It was a rather strange determination for a high schooler to make, especially as there was no guarantee he would be able to get very far before the wave of entrance exams and college pressures swamped over us. Still, to each their own; there was no universe where I would ever be questioning another's musical ambitions, after all.

Sometimes, these conversations would veer off into our personal lives. Interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes. They came and went swiftly with the flow of the conversation. I learned that he was very much an otaku, but that apparently I shouldn't judge a book by its cover. I was skeptical, but I did manage to hold my tongue for the most part. I'm fairly proud of myself for that accomplishment.

Hikigaya-kun was also apparently quite interested in literature as well. I had never met another individual of my generation that I considered more well-read than myself. While that hadn't changed, I could certainly admit that Hikigaya-kun was definitely quite literate. It was really a shame that he devoted at least half of his spare time to light novels and the like. I suspected that if he'd spent that time reading more classics, and especially international classics, he could very well have been more widely read than myself.

Still, literary discussion was a fairly entertaining way to fill the silence that otherwise existed between us. And it was always quite amusing to insult him for his literary tastes. He made it all too easy for me, since he continuously insisted that his light novels were to be considered as proper literature. One would think that after his eighth failed attempt at winning that debate with me, he would finally give it a rest. But perhaps he was simply a masochist.

Once we arrived at my apartment, we would begin Hikigaya-kun's lessons. Thus far, they have frustrated me beyond belief.

Incidentally, it's not all Hikigaya-kun's fault, but he definitely has had a hand in my frustration.

The main issue with these lessons, so to speak, was that it seemed as though Hikigaya-kun had difficulties retaining the instructions I gave him. Specifically, where it pertained to his finger technique. It was strange, because after every lesson it seemed as though he had mostly gotten the hang of things. He would hold the guitar correctly after I fixed his finger positioning, and his chords would be more or less up to the standard that I held him to, which indicated to me that his fretting was correct.

I'd feel fairly confident that he would perhaps need a day or two more of practice before he could move on to playing real songs, which he had incessantly asked me about after the second or third lesson.

But somehow, when Hikigaya-kun picked up the guitar to play the next day, it was as if he had forgotten almost everything I had taught him the previous day. Of course, it wasn't as though Hikigaya-kun really forgot everything. There were things that he evidently had managed to remember; I could tell by the way he fretted that he was doing his best to incorporate what I had told him.

But there were too many other issues to fix. It simply felt as though every new day automatically started with a huge step backwards in terms of Hikigaya-kun's skill, rather than the continued, gradual improvement that most guitar players experienced in their first few weeks playing the instrument.

I couldn't be too upset with Hikigaya-kun. It was obvious that he was putting a great amount of effort into his improvement. It could be easily seen in our lessons. Over the three hours or so that he'd stay over to play, there would be vast improvement. Not to mention that I could tell how much his fingers must have pained him towards the end of each session, despite his best efforts to hide his discomfort.

But still, his lack of consistent progression was frustrating. There were a few nights where I wondered if his inability to grasp some of the fundamentals was due to a deficiency in my teaching. I had never doubted my own abilities in such a way before, which only increased my levels of anxiety and frustration.

And it wasn't helped on one rainy Wednesday night when Hikigaya-kun had stayed over a little longer than usual. It had been raining fairly hard that day and, as a show of hospitality, I had invited him to stay over for dinner, reasoning that he might feel a little bit better about travelling the twenty or so minutes through the rain home if he had a full stomach. We'd made some small snippets of conversation, as was the norm, when the focus shifted from guitar, although I managed to learn a little bit more about Hikigaya-kun's family. Apparently, they had expressed some skepticism in his sudden desire to learn music, but were still fully supportive of his efforts.

I suppose it was that throwaway comment during our meal that started the problem.

See, during the previous day's lesson, I had made a rather large mistake. But it had not been an error in instruction; my lesson with Hikigaya-kun passed without much incident. Unfortunately, I had been so focused on the lesson that I had missed something important.

To be more specific, I had missed a phone call from Mother. And I hadn't noticed it until Hikigaya-kun had departed from my apartment, which meant that it was quite late.

This… led to some problems.

The issue at hand was that Mother had never been a particularly big supporter of my musical aspirations. To this day, I am still unsure of how exactly my father was able to gift me the Martin guitar for my birthday, since Mother would likely have never approved of it as a birthday present. She considered it a waste of my time; time that she believed would be better spent on other matters that were "more important to the family."

Apparently, Mother had somehow caught wind that I was now tutoring Hikigaya-kun. I had my suspicions as to how she obtained that information. But now that she knew I was spending even more time on guitar than I had previously, it dredged up every single one of the old arguments we'd had over my hobby.

"You are not trying to become a part of a band, Yukino. You should stop investing so much of your time into that instrument and attend one of our galas for once. Or perhaps you could use that time to further your English education. It is still in the plans for you to attend a foreign university, yes?"

It didn't matter that I had never been very interested in studying abroad. I had simply done so in my youth because it had been Mother's desire. But I had never quite fit in. And I certainly did not particularly wish to go to a foreign university either. I would much rather complete my studies in Japan.

All of this was simply a long-winded explanation of the fact that Mother and I had very different views of how I should spend my time, and what the next few years of my life would look like. And after I explained to Mother that I had been busy and therefore was not checking my phone when she called, she launched into yet another lecture about how I was not fulfilling my duties to the family. About how she was disappointed and hoped that I would reconsider my rejection of her recommendation to "spend less time on that frivolous instrument."

I became quite upset, although of course I never gave any hint of my feelings towards my mother. I had long since learned that showing emotions around my mother would never lead to a desired outcome for me.

But in defiance, after the call had ended, I spent the hours before bed playing songs and singing to my heart's content in my bedroom. Usually, that would be enough to clear my head of the negativity that always engulfed me after those calls.

For some reason, this solution did not work this time around. That negativity must have stuck with me because the incident happened the very next day. Hikigaya-kun had just finished telling me about how his sister was very excited about his progress, and how she was eagerly anticipating the day he would return home to play her a song. I'm not entirely sure what came over me; it must have simply been a moment of madness. Perhaps I was frustrated that Hikigaya-kun's family were so supportive of his musical ambitions while Mother tried everything in her power to convince me to quit. Or perhaps I was simply annoyed at the speed of his progression, or lack thereof

"I wouldn't be so hasty to promise your sister a performance, Hikigaya-kun. After all, your current play is rather lackluster and you're not exactly making much progress. It would seem as though you are quite a ways away from performing."

"I ehh-?" Hikigaya-kun made a confused sound, as if he hadn't expected me to so bluntly enumerate his struggles.

And really, I should have stopped there and apologized. Or said something encouraging. That was what was indicative of a good teacher. To be able to mix criticism with encouragement, and motivate students to improve.

I opened my mouth, thinking about how I should apologize, but-

"I wouldn't want to sugarcoat my words, Hikigaya-kun. The fact of the matter is that it has been over a week and I am still unsure if you have fully grasped the habits that I have attempted to instill in you during our very first lesson. It is becoming quite bothersome to repeat myself, and I have been wondering as of late if perhaps a different hobby would make more sense for you. I have noticed your extensive documentation of our lessons on your phone, for example. Have you ever considered photography?"

Hikigaya-kun's mouth opened and closed like that of a fish, which was quite ironic considering the state of his eyes. Still, almost as soon as those words left my mouth, I felt guilty. Extremely guilty. The hurt expression on his face, the lack of a response, even the way he refused to make eye contact, instead choosing to stare down at the table. All of it twisted my insides with intense regret.

I was once more reminded of why I was even here in the first place, attempting to teach Hikigaya-kun all that I know about guitar. Because I was indebted to him.

I thought that these lessons would absolve me of some of that responsibility.

But in the end, I was only left with more guilt and regret.

oOo

May 31

I think that today marked the end of my lessons with Yukinoshita. It's a rather abrupt end, but please don't blame Yukinoshita, future me. It wasn't her fault.

I suppose my condition was always going to catch up to me someday. I mean, it was impossible for Yukinoshita not to notice. Things she'd taught me mysteriously being forgotten. Or maybe it was just how unfamiliar a guitar would feel in my hands at the start of every lesson. I'm sure that to a seasoned guitar player such as herself, she would notice the issue immediately.

Things finally came to a head today. I always thought that Yukinoshita was fairly calm and level-headed, but my lack of progress must have really been bothering her because she finally snapped and said what I'm sure she had been thinking for a few days now.

She told me essentially that I might not have the talent for guitar after all, and that perhaps I should attempt to find a different hobby. She even suggested photography; she must have thought that the way I tried to record everything about our lessons was some other hobby of mine, because why else would I be taking videos and pictures of anything and everything to do with the fundamental basics of learning guitar?

This really scared me at the time, but in the moment, after she'd finished telling me off, I seriously considered telling Yukinoshita about my condition. A girl that I had only really "known" for a week. But also, a girl that was a stranger to me, every day when I woke up.

I wanted to explain to her why my progress was so slow. I guess I just wanted to keep learning from her. Despite my complaints, she was a good teacher. I doubt that I would have made nearly as much progress, considering my condition, as I had under her. But she couldn't know that, so she must have considered her teaching a failure, since I was still working on the fundamentals.

I wished that I could tell her the truth. But it was too risky. Too many unknowns. I only knew that Yukinoshita's family were rather important people, especially within Chiba. There was just no sense in letting her know about my condition.

So I'd bailed, and rather quickly at that. I thanked her for the lessons that she gave me, and for her generosity in letting me practice with her old guitar. So yeah, I won't be going back. Still, it was fun. Learning guitar and all. Maybe I should buy my own. Some of the cheaper ones aren't that expensive, and I still have some cash left over from my parents for the cram school tuition fees.

I think I still want to learn. Komachi still believes I'm learning guitar, after all. I don't wanna disappoint her. I'll learn online, and play a song for her someday.

oOo

June 5

I got my guitar today. That was a relief, because according to my journal entries, the past few days I had simply gone to a local music room after school and just sat there reading novels instead of playing any music. I have apparently been keeping up the impression of lessons for Komachi. To be quite honest, I wasn't really sure why I hadn't told her about everything that had happened with Yukinoshita. Nowhere in my notes or journal for that particular day did I mention anything about Komachi, so I figured that maybe I simply wanted to forget about the topic altogether. And since I don't know what my thought process was back then, I just decided to keep the status quo.

Still, I finally got a guitar now, so I can start actually playing it in the music rooms. I'd noted down a couple of incidents where people came in looking to use the room and I'd have to awkwardly leave without explaining why I had been reading Kafka in a music room instead of playing an instrument. That must have been a really awkward conversation. I'm surprised past Me managed to navigate them.

It was a beginner's guitar; there wasn't anything particularly special about it. But it was good quality material and once I'd tuned it with help from the notes I'd taken from Yukinoshita's lessons, it sounded great. No complaints here. I started off by running through some scales, and then some chords. The now familiar sting of the friction from the metal string rubbing against my fingers ran through me once more. It was slowly starting to hurt less. Even though I couldn't remember playing guitar, the calluses that were beginning to form on my fingers told me the real story.

I looked online for videos on how to play guitar. Of course, I still had my extensive notes from Yukinoshita's lessons, which I usually used at the start of every lesson to regain my fundamentals. But I also wanted to see if there were other methods, or paths to getting better.

As it turned out, of course there were. I'd found within minutes an instructional video that taught me an easier way to play chords, by having an anchor finger which always played a particular string without changing strings, and therefore making it so that I only needed to worry about the other fingers for my fretting. Yukinoshita had never mentioned this; she'd taught me without providing me with this crutch for learning. The video had mentioned that having an anchor finger would make starting out and playing chords a lot easier, but it would also limit my growth, as more difficult songs would require me to learn how to change strings with all my fingers.

There were lots of other videos online, and even a few easy melodies that could be played with knowledge of only a couple chords. I attempted a couple and they weren't too bad. Of course, calling any of them a song was probably being too generous, so I won't be counting any of them as the milestone for my first ever real guitar song. But the little melodies were fun to play.

I wound up staying in the room for quite a long time, practicing. I don't really know why, but I felt motivated to improve. Perhaps it was because I could sense real improvement. I could remember myself getting better.

Either way, by the time I headed home, the sky was dark and my stomach was growling. But still, even as I ducked into our house with a quiet 'I'm home', I felt a quiet sense of contentment.

oOo

Summer was truly upon us. It was most noticeable in the mornings, when I'd just woken up. Since in my mind, the day before was March 31st, smack dab in the middle of spring, the jarring difference of waking up to the summer heat immediately set my mind on high alert that something was wrong. Of course, then Mom would enter my room and ask me tentatively if I remembered anything, before explaining my whole situation to me. I'd sit down at my desk, Komachi would bring me some breakfast, and I would sit down at my desk to read my ever-growing journal. I'd finished filling out two notebooks now and was steadily working on a third. In order to save time, I started making a summary notebook as well; a notebook that I could read to make sure that I remembered the "big events" of my life in the past three months. After all, at some point it would become infeasible to read every single journal entry since the accident.

After I finished reading, I'd be just in time for school. School was mostly boring. I hadn't learned anything since the accident after all, and I hadn't made any friends either because of my condition. So I spent most of my time reading. When I grew bored, I liked simply observing my classmates too. Most of them seemed pretty stressed; I guess it's supposed to be right around exam season. I'm in the International Education class too, which of course meant that everyone cared about their studies.

Still, there was one noticeable exception to that rule. Or at least, she didn't seem to particularly worry about her marks, since her attention was always focused elsewhere. See, whenever I was subtly observing the people around me, there were always a couple of moments where I would Yukinoshita Yukino watching me. Quite unsubtly, I might add.

I knew from my journals that Yukinoshita Yukino had featured very prominently in my life since I'd lost my ability to retain memories. Which was quite strange since I hadn't met Yukinoshita Yukino before the accident.

Still, while she'd been my guitar teacher for a little while, we'd ended those lessons over a month ago now. Moreover, she had been the one to suggest that we put an end to those lessons. Or to put it more accurately in her words, to find something new to do. Which made it quite strange that she'd still hold so much interest in me. I thought at first that I must be imagining things. But every couple of periods or so, she'd glance over at me when she thought I wasn't looking. It happened too often to be a coincidence.

Maybe it was because she'd seen that I'd been studying some guitar arrangements? I thought I'd been doing a good job of hiding the fact that I wasn't really paying attention in class though.

I pondered her interest in me as I rode home, grabbed my guitar, and pedaled my way over to the music rooms. Over the past month, I had really seen progress in my play. Apparently, the doctor really knew what he was talking about when he'd been telling me about procedural memory and picking up a hobby. Despite my condition, despite the fact that I couldn't remember ever picking up a guitar in my life when I woke up every morning, when I actually held the guitar in my hands and played a few chords, it felt as though I was picking up an old hobby. Fingerpicking chords felt natural to me; my fingers moved across the frets effortlessly and the notes came out cleanly. I could sightread chords; it no longer felt awkward or strange reading and playing them naturally. Apparently, over the course of a single session the day before, I had been able to run through quite a few easy arrangements of popular beginner songs.

The only obstacle I really faced was that I couldn't memorize the specific chords for songs, due to my condition. But my inherent ability to play when given an arrangement had definitely improved leaps and bounds. This meant that, sometime in near future, so long as I noted down the exact place in the arrangements that I was working on, it would hopefully be relatively easy for me to start working on some more difficult songs or arrangements that would require more than a day of practice.

Of course, I couldn't actually remember playing anything. But I also made sure to record every song that I attempted, as a sort of progress report. It was only through these recordings along with my notes that I'd learned that apparently my first easy song that I managed to play in full was Seven Nation Army.

Just like all the others, I had that first performance recorded on my phone. It's kind of funny, but also a little cringe looking at that particular day's me. The look of utter concentration on my face as I strummed out some not great chords and pieced them together into Seven Nation Army. Heh. That one's definitely not gonna be shared with anyone. Not even Komachi.

Speaking of Komachi, I'd promised to play her a song one day. And as I started running through the practice routine I'd set up for myself in my notes, I realized that it was actually starting to feel comfortable, playing guitar. Even though I'd had no recollections of it, despite the fact that I couldn't recall ever touching the instrument when I woke up, I could honestly say that I felt comfortable playing the guitar. I felt as though I was becoming somewhat decent at the instrument.

Of course, this was all my opinion, which could be extremely biased for all I knew. I mean Yukinoshita, for example, probably wouldn't have thought very much of my supposed improvement. If I was still studying under her tutelage, she'd probably tell me that I was still a long ways away from being semi-decent. But hey! Summer break was right around the corner, which meant that I wouldn't have to spend all my weekdays twiddling my thumbs in class, pretending to pay attention. I'd have a lot more free time. I could probably practice guitar to my heart's content and still have a few hours left over.

Maybe I could even get fully caught up with some of the manga and light novels that I'd be missing out on! The best part would be that I could read the same series over and over again and still enjoy them as if it were my first time reading them. That was actually a big perk!

Even as I noted down in my journal this plan for my summer break, my thoughts turned back to guitar. With my current skill, I could probably keep my promise and play a few easy songs for Komachi, no problem. I don't really know why it took me until today to come to this realization. Or maybe I realized it the day before and chickened out before I played anything for her.

Still, for some reason, I really wanted to play something for Komachi soon. So I decided to scour the internet for a good song to play for her; something easy to play, but still something catchy and bouncy that I'm sure she'd enjoy.

I couldn't find anything that particularly caught my eye, however. I guess my searches were using keywords that were far too generic, because I really didn't get too many good options. So instead, I checked the music section of my laptop notes. I figured that I'd probably have come across quite a few good songs since starting to play guitar right? Maybe I could find an easy arrangement for one of them that I could turn into a performance with a couple hours of hard work.

When I clicked on the music section and opened the notes, the first thing I noticed was that Aimer was highlighted in blue. Taking a closer look, it seemed as though I'd made a note. Ah, of course. Yukinoshita had played an Aimer song for me before my first lesson, all those weeks ago.

Of course, I had no recollection of Yukinoshita playing anything for me, but I knew from my journal entries that it'd had a huge impact on me. It was obvious when I read through that particular day's entry this morning.

Damn. Thinking about that lost performance yet again, I found myself really wishing that my memory would just fix itself. I closed my eyes then and wished really really hard, prayed to whatever god was out there, that tomorrow my amnesia would be cured. If my amnesia got cured, I could maybe even go back to Yukinoshita and ask her to teach me again. And I might be able to convince her to sing for me again. For a second, I closed my eyes and imagined how that might sound. I tried to marry the voice I'd heard just this morning responding to a particular math question in class to a song. I even pulled up the original music video for Aimer's Ref:rain on Youtube.

I could almost hear it. I could almost hear her singing again.

Then, the moment passed and reality came crashing back down.

I still couldn't remember anything, since the day of the accident. My memory was still telling me that yesterday was March 31st, and that all of this was just a terrible dream.

I clenched my fists and resisted the urge to slam them into the desk. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. I'd worked so hard for the dream high school life that I wanted. I'd spent so many hours studying to get into a good school, so that I could have that fresh start. But now, I couldn't even make any friends because of my condition. Yukinoshita was proof of that. It was simply too hard; there were too many logistical issues with my amnesia to keep pretending, day after day.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I picked up my guitar in the process, checking the strings to make sure that it was in tune.

Perhaps I should just try playing something. I checked online and found quite a few Ref:rain arrangements that didn't look too difficult. Maybe I should just practice some of them so that I could play for Komachi later. It'd be a good way to distract myself from the dangerous thought that I was having.

But even as I carefully started testing out the fingering for the chords that were required, that thought wouldn't leave me alone.

What if I told her? What if I told Yukinoshita about my condition?

oOo