Chapter 1: A Surprise Function

Author's note: Well, here we are again. I'm starting my third abridged parody series. Doesn't even seem like that long ago that I started Twilight Abridged, but now I get to continue my Abridged Novel Universe Series…again, don't abbreviate that. And it's all thanks to the poll on my profile page (feel free to check it out and vote for something, so I know what to start working on next). Anyway, I think we all know how this works now: I write (hopefully) funny stuff, you read it and (hopefully) laugh. Let's go…

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a hole. And in that hole lived a hobbit. What's a hobbit? Well, it's not a cross between a hobo and a rabbit, which I was relieved to discover. No, they're just really short people…okay, they're midgets with hairy feet. Tolkien just didn't want to offend them, despite having no issue talking shit about homosexuals. Seriously, he keeps using words like gay, queer, and faggot. No, I'm not kidding. Hell, he even mentions that last one gets thrown on a fire…the 50s were a weird time. Anyway, this story centres around a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins, who on this particular day was sitting in his front yard smoking weed…not making that up either.

Bilbo: Ah, what a peaceful day. Just another lazy weekday where I don't have to work and nothing could possibly go wrong.

?: Hello there.

Bilbo: You're not Obi-Wan.

?: True, I'm far more powerful than he could ever be.

Bilbo: A little full of yourself, aren't you?

?: And why wouldn't I be, Mr. Baggins?

Bilbo: …how do you know who I am?

?: Seriously Mr. Baggins? How many old bearded men pass through these ways?

Bilbo: …Gandalf? How are you still alive?

Gandalf: Oh, I have my ways.

Bilbo: Yeah, but, last time I saw you, you looked exactly the same as you do now. How do you look exactly the same?

Gandalf: Like I said, I have my ways. But for now, I'm here in search of someone to go on an adventure.

Bilbo: Adventure? Why would anyone want to do that?

Gandalf: For the fun and thrill of seeing new places?

Bilbo: I get that right here when I smoke enough of this stuff *indicates his bag of weed*

Gandalf: Perhaps you do. But wouldn't it be more fun to see new places with your own eyes?

Bilbo: Again *indicates his bag of weed*

Gandalf: How would you like to…

Bilbo: Nope *walks back inside*

Gandalf: Oh, I'mma make you go on an adventure *starts scratching something on Bilbo's door*

Bilbo: *from inside* OI! I just had that repainted.

Gandalf: Too bad, so sad *leaves*

*the next night*

Bilbo: Ah, time to tuck into a nice dinner *picks up his cutlery, only to hear a knock on the door* FUCKING TELEMARKETERS! How do they always know? *goes to the door and opens it*

Dwalin: Hey.

Bilbo: Hi…do I…know y…

Dwalin: *shoving his way in* Can't say this is what I imagined as a meeting place for a quest, but at least it smells like there's food.

Bilbo: Yes, that would be dinner.

Dwalin: Dinner? Don't mind if I do *marches to the kitchen*

Bilbo: MY dinner.

Dwalin: *between mouthfuls of food* You snooze, you lose.

Bilbo: Son of a…I guess I'll just have to make more.

Balin: *walking through the door* Probably for the best. There's still plenty of us to come.

Bilbo: I'm sorry, what do you mean by…

Balin: Say, have you got any booze in here?

Dwalin: *from the kitchen* Hold on, I'll check.

Bilbo: Excuse me, what the hell is going…

Kili: *walking through the door* Hey Fili, looks like a couple of the others are already here.

Fili: *following his brother* I told you we wouldn't be first if we stopped by the mayor's place.

Kili: Don't lie, it'll be hilarious when he opens his letterbox.

Fili: …yeah, it will.

Bilbo: What did you do to the…

Dori: *entering the house* Knowing them, probably something bad but harmless.

Nori: *right behind Dori* Eh, it'll be fine. By the way, I'm keeping this.

Bilbo: HEY! That's an heirloom.

Nori: Is it valuable?

Bilbo: Sentimentally, yes.

Nori: Ugh, it's worthless then *throws it at Bilbo*

Ori: Come on guys, give the guy a brea…

Nori and Dori: Shut up Ori.

Ori: Aww, man…

Oin: You're gonna need something to treat a burn like that. How about this new product I invented called…

Gloin: No-one's going to willing pour your special cream over themselves.

Oin: That's not what…

Gloin: And seriously, how arrogant are you to call it 'ointment'? A product like that would never take off.

Oin: You say that now, but wait until…

Bilbo: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT… *someone bangs on the door with a stick* I swear to God, that Gandalf is going to pay for this *yanks the door open, only for four more dwarves to fall in, with Gandalf standing behind them*

Gandalf: Oh, I'm willing to pay. If you can make me.

Bilbo: Oh, I'll make you p… *steps on top of the Dwarves to reach eye height with Gandalf*

Bofur: OI! Get off me.

Bombur: Yeah, get off me.

Bofur: You're even more on top of me than he is.

Thorin: Why don't both of you do me a favour and GET OFF OF ME?! *Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur immediately stand up, flinging Bilbo to the floor*

Bofur and Bombur: Sorry sir.

Bilbo: *looking at Bifur* What's his problem?

Bofur: He doesn't speak, ever since he got an orc axe embedded in his skull.

Bilbo: Kieran didn't want to figure out thirteen separate personalities, and made one of you guys mute, didn't he?

Bombur: Nah, it's kinda canon.

Bilbo: Kinda?

Thorin: The Peter Jackson movies decided it.

Bilbo: Ah, so not canon then?

Gandalf: Gentlemen, I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought you here today.

Dwarves: No.

Bilbo: Yes.

Gandalf: Majority rules, so you must all know. Let's begin planning.

Bilbo: Why do I have an ominous feeling of dread regarding whatever's about to happen?

Thorin: Gandalf, are you sure this man is a burglar?

Bilbo: A WHAT?!

Gandalf: Of course he is. Look at him, he could sneak into anywhere.

Bilbo: I've never burgled anything.

Thorin: He certainly doesn't look like much. But, the crew needs a thief…

Bilbo: Why don't you get Nori to do it?

Nori: Why me specifically?

Bilbo: What's that in your pockets?

Nori: …doilies?

Bilbo: Whose doilies?

Nori: …look, promise you won't get mad…

Bilbo: WAY past that at this point.

Balin: Congratulations, Mr. Baggins. It looks like you'll be our group's thief. We're so glad you've agreed to rob the dragon for us.

Bilbo: DRAGON?!

Gandalf: Yes, I believe we're all in agreement then. Thorin, you'll be needing this key and this map if you're to enter Erebor at the right time.

Thorin: Where did you get these?

Gandalf: Oh, I got them from a certain dwarf.

Thorin: Damn it Nori.

Nori: Wasn't me this time.

Gandalf: No Thorin, it wasn't Nori. It was your father Thrain. He'd been captured by a necromancer and horribly tortured to the point of…

Bilbo: Can we back up a bit? This Erebor place we're going to? That's a thousand miles away.

Thorin: Indeed it is. Tomorrow, you'll be making your way downtown, walking fast from the faces you pass, then you'll be homebound.

Bilbo: That seems like an oversimplification.

Fili: Indeed. But for now, let's party.

Kili: Yes, let us play an ancient dwarfish tune.

Thorin: I know just the one *clears throat* BROTHERS OF THE MINE REJOICE!

Dwarves: Swing, swing, swing with me.

Thorin: Raise your pick and raise your voice!

Dwarves: Sing, sing, sing with me… *dwarves begin partying as they continue singing*

Bilbo: I hope you're planning on paying for all the damages they cause.

Gandalf: Oh, don't worry, I'll pay for it. Just come find me tomorrow.

Bilbo: Damn right you will.

*the next day*

Bilbo: Gandalf? *sees his house is trashed, but empty* SON OF A BITCH!